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Professional Jackasses Main | Reports | Pictures | Archives | Links Tournament Reports Updated!1/07/08 - After nearly a decade of inactivity Sam hits a tournament and tries his best not to scrub out. Crew Multiplayer RulesUpdated 1/07/08 - The format that we use is Legacy Deux (Maximum two copies of any non-basic land card) with a deck size minimum of 100 cards. You need at least 3 players per game. Seating is determined randomly and a d6 is used (after each player chooses his deck) to determine attack order. 1-2 Attack Left, 3-4 Attack Right, 5-6 free-for-all. The Legacy banned list can be found at: wizards.com Multiplayer! ...like it's 19955/27/01 - More info coming soon. Sam Heckman Turns 34 8/31/00 - The staff of the Crew Page and their families would like to wish Crew Member Sam Heckman a happy 34th birthday. Have a great day Sam! Crew Breaks Silence - Announce Changes8/25/00 - Crew Members Sam Heckman and Ron Serio have recently concluded their bi-annual 4 month long "State of the Crew" meeting. A press conference was held this afternoon, at the Woodfield Hooters, at which they relieved a number of big developments. The Crew have officially endorsed Andrij Witiuk as their candidate of choice in the United States presidential election. Crew Spokesman Sam Heckman had the following to say about Mr Witiuk, "Andrij has clearly demonstrated that he is a strong leader, a profound philospher and one hell of a drinker. The Crew fully support his candidacy and can hardly wait to see all who oppose him crushed." And in more important matters then the 2000 elections, The Crew have officially ousted Francis Keys from their ranks. Sam Heckman explains, "We felt that Francis was no longer functioning as a model representative of Crew beliefs and policies." "That bitch still owes me 100USD." interjects Ron Serio. "Please, if I may continue." says Mr. Heckman while motioning for his enraged teammate to take his seat. "As I was saying, The Crew no longer believes that it's unity with Mr. Keys is doing either party any good. We would like to part ways on amicable terms so that there are no hard feelings. Now, the matter of filling the slot vacated by Mr. Keys. A contest will be held to determine our new teammate. The list of eligable participants is as follows: Dale "Monster Rod" Taylor Cory "Competitor" Ferguson Eddie Woods Spike Mike Reinking Eric Fink Brian Kowal Jason Woodburn Eric O'Dell Jason Opalka Nate Clarke Lan D. Ho All members of the Stelzer family. And an honorary invite goes out to the Year 2000 Alpha Champion of Earth. "The newest Crew Member will be the first one of the aformentioned players to kill Francis Keys and deliver his heart to either myself or Ron Serio. The hunt is on gentleman. Good luck and godspeed." I just lol'd 6/19/00 - Please visit the above banner link. This is a desperate cry for help from a young boy and The Crew would like to show their personal humanitarian support in this unparrelled effort. Thank you. Stuck in the Race Heroic Fighter, Dirty Sanchez', disposes of a few tuskers while Greyleaf Marksun (not shown) works on his buff cycle Small Cat Sends Message From the Grave Announcing Grand Opening of Official Crew Daycare Center 3/14/00 - In a press conference held at the Daley Center early this afternoon, Crew members Sam Heckman and Ron Serio unveiled plans for their new daycare center. The center, to be located in the laundry room of Mr Heckman's apartment building, will supervise children ages 3 months up through their 26th year. Pricing will be determined on a case by case basis. For example, while a typical todler ages 2-3 would be looked after for a cost of about $30 or 1 mote per hour, a 16-19 year old girl would only run about a $1.25 for the same period of time. Guests of the Crew Daycare Center will be privy to a slew of games, entertainment and gratifying work. Activities will include naps, doing Mr Heckman's laundry, cooking dinner, complex electrical engineering and all the servi-vision one could ask for. While we have not yet received any reaction statements from the pre-existing daycare competitors, I imagine they will be forthcoming. 2-2 Drop, or no?Bob Maher Victorious, Reinstated as Crew Member! 12/6/99 - A shocking decision was made today in a meeting between Sam Heckman and Ron Serio to give Bob Maher the option of re-joining The Crew. This of course would mean a retroactive split of cash earnings from past Pro Tour accomplishments. "After doing some very rough estimates Bob only owes The Crew $17,423.54 in retroactive prize winnings" said Ron Serio. OTS Legal is currently working on the exact negotiations of the deal. Smell in Bryant's Room Explained!After many days of searching and coming up with possible theories for the odor they eventually gave in and called the apartment complex. A crack team of 4 Mexicans were dispatched to the scene and began a more advanced search. At 9:00am they began. After tracing the smell to an outside wall they started to drill small holes in the wall itself. Using the "sniff test" they drilled untill the smells from the small holes got stronger. After destroying the wall they pulled out the source of the smell, a decaying squirrel. The Mexicans gleefully grabbed it by the tail and left with thier prize. Maybe someday they will come back and fix the fucking hole in the wall.    |