SIMON FUNKAPOTAMUS

Howdy doody one and all. This page is constantly under construction, but if you keep checking regularly, you'll see the best (and only) Red Hot Chili Pepper/Beatles page on the Web unfold before your very eyes. However, this is not my main page: merely another chapter of the great Funkapotamus legacy. If you want to see the real thing, Funk page numero uno, click HERE!! Also, you'll find there is a wee bit of the Spice Girls creeping on my pages. They are gorgeous, therefore qualify as funky and are worthy of appearing here.

A BIG HELLO TO BRIGHT EYES. SHE'S MY CATGIRL. PURRRRRR....

Above are two pictures of my favourite band of the moment. The Charlatans are without doubt the best British band in years. Like the Chili Peppers, the Charlatans have had to overcome a death in the band, when their brilliant keyboard player Rob Collins died in 1996. They decided to keep on working, and their new album is legendary. 'Tellin' Stories' is THE album of 1997, but if you want to hear Rob's trademark riffs, check out their last LP 'The Charlatans' which is so unbelievably brilliant it will change your life forever. It did mine.

On April 28th, The Charlatans played a gig in the Caird Hall, Dundee, which is near where I live. I had been trying to get tickets for months, but since the gig sold out in hours, I missed out on seeing them live. However, myself and two friends hung around the back door of the hall like a bunch of teenyboppers waiting to see the band. We heard the whole concert perfectly and so saved money on tickets. We waited all night, then around Midnight, the band came out the doors. They had this amazing aura about them, they were just so cool. I apprached Mark Collins, the guitarist, and handed him a demo tape of my band, Casino, and got his autograph. We chatted for a minute and I told him we were playing the T in the Park festival which they are too. He was really cool, and I spoke to the drummer and bassist too. The singer, Tim Burgess (the big lipped guy at the front of the photo above) came out the door, faced with loads of girls screaming and kissing him. Immediately, I handed him our demo tape too and got his autograph too. I can't remember ever being so excited, it was like a dream come true. Take my advice people-Buy a Charlatans CD, listen to it, and live it like you love it.

IT WAS 38 YEARS AGO TODAY...

An Exhaustive Chronicle Of Intra-Beatle Affairs

1957-John encounters Paul at Woolton Fete. Mulls over vexed question of whether to reduce leading role in QuarryMen while making band stronger, and takes epoch-defining Maccular option. Lennon-McCartney union enshrined in handshake agreement. John:"We made a deal that put both our names on the songs, no matter what."

1958-George sees QuarryMen in Garston; enrolled in group, though Lennon occasionally views him as juvenile irritant: "He was like a kid, just hanging around."

1959-Group lurches on, updating name to Johnny And The Moondogs.

1960-All change! After further mutations, band settles on Beatles handle, in wake of recruiting "mean, moody and magnificent" Pete Best and equally M.M.M. Stuart Sutcliffe. August sees inaugural Hamburg visit.

1961-Sutcliffe, still in Germany, having effectively left group; Macca switches to bass. Fabs' near telepathic empathy sealed by further Hamburg forays.

1962-After securing EMI contract, band-encouraged by notably vocal Harrison-eject Pete Best and recruit reassuringly un-MMM Ringo Starr.

1963-Beatlemania erupts, cementing Fab bonds yet further on account of life-in-a-bubble syndrome.

1964-Internal strength consolidated yet further-partly by discovery of "wacky backy"-although Lennon's maverick spirit amply demonstrated by publication of nonsense verse compendium 'In His Own Write'.

1965-Fabs keep moving up steep learning curve. John and George discover acid; Paul just says no. George turns in first accomplished songs on Rubber Soul.

1966-Group quits touring, prompting deluge of break-up rumours and large amounts of "What do we do now?" introspection. Lennon-ingesting large amounts of acid-is particlularly affected, but eventually cheered up by first meeting with squat Japanese artist.

1967-Paul finally swallows blotting paper. Beatles sign partnership agreement binding them until 1975, and Sgt.Pepper demonstrates peak of harmony-but Fabworl thrown into confusion by death of Brian Epstein. McCartney decisively seizes leadership reins: Magical Mystery Tour ensues. "Paul took over and supposedly led us," Lennon later comments. "But what is leading us when we went round in circles?"

1968-Split begins. Following return from ill-starred visit to India, Lennon shacks up with Yoko. McCartney at pains to preserve unity, but even with Ringo brassed off by bad vibes, made worse by Harrison's increasing frustration. Midway through White Album sessions, Starr temporarily quits.

1969-Band reconvenes for filming of Let It Be. Divorce imminent: as with White Album sessions, Yoko is ever present, and undercurrent of discord all but constant. Exasperated by all manner of problems, but chiefly outraged at plans to return to live stage, Harrison walks out, returns, and joins colleagues for long-playing swansong that is Abbey Road. Apple becoming ocean of bad feeling, not least on account of Allen Klein, hated by Macca and trusted by others. By August, band has effectively split.

THE SPICE GIRLS I wanna zig-a-zig-ah with all of 'em!!

RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS INTERVIEW

CHAD SMITH: "Scorpio, man. Means I'm oversexed; 'Rock You Like A Hurricane'!"

FLEA: "Libra."

ANTHONY KIEDIS: "Scorpio. Flea, Chad and myself were born in a 15 day period in 1962. Flea was October 16, Chad was October 24 and I'm November 1. Chad and I were born in Michigan a week apart, and Flea was born in Melbourne, Australia. There's a lot of beautiful fate floating around!"

DAVE NAVARRO: "Gemini"

CS: "Many things are Funky. Life is Funky. People, situations, language, culture, movies, arts, my motorcycle, scuba diving. Funk is everywhere. Funk to me is like party music. I hear a Tower Of Power record and it makes me wanna jump around and go, 'Whoo-ooh!"

F: "A lot of things are Funky. Anything that is raw and honest."

AK: "I was just travelling with my girlfriend up the coast of Northern California and I forgot to bring any music, so I went into a truckstop and the best tape they had was a James Brown tape. It was just immaculate Funk. And I also just bought a new pair of glowing red patent leather Gucci loafers, which just can't help but be Funky."

DN: "Kool & The Gang. James Brown. But the truth is that I'm not much of a Funk fan. I'm more into dark music, whether it's Rock or Classical."

CS: "About 99.5% of the music that's out there. It's all very predictable, generic, lame shit. Our music is honest and raw and from the heart, and I think that's a rarity these days. Japanese people aren't extremely Funky either. But I don't wanna diss the Japanese. It's inherent of their culture."

F: "Things that are contrived and stiff. A lot of contemporary music revolts me, but whenever I talk about it I always feel the repercussions later. I still get Christmas cards from Ugly Kid Joe after I said something about 'em."

AK: "Candlebox are not Funky. Pete Wilson is not Funky. He's the governor of California and the guy does not feel the Funk."

DN: "That can't be interesting to your readers-who I think isn't Funky!"

CS: "There is a jacuzzi in my pants!!"

F: "Black and white photography from the early 1900s. American and French. But as for music, there's nothing new that's driving me crazy. The last time music got me really excited was the first coupla Public Enemy records. I also like Nine Inch Nails and Fugazi."

AK: "PJ Harvey is sizzling. I love PJ Harvey. And I get a very hot sensation when I listen to her records. I met her and I felt like an eight year old kid."

DN: "I'm very excited and interested in films. I review movies for a small magazine. My column doesn't so much review films as take the piss out of them. I rarely select a film that I enjoyed for my column. I have a cynical sense of humour. But honestly, the thing that I've been into the most lately is a new relationship. I've always found that when I get into a new relationship, I'm kind of a romantic and it rules my world. And the distance makes it so much more romantic. She's in LA right now."

CS: "Bands like Take That. Like Duke Ellington said, there's only two kinds of music, good and bad. And there's not a lot of 'hot' out there."

F: "Lots of Rock bands are completely, disgustingly appalling."

AK: "What is not hot is blatant copycat-ism. To just copy somebody else's song is so pointless. When Punk Rock happened it happened for a reason. The second wave of Punk is so empty to me."

DN: "The American Government cover-up of other life forms, the Roswell UFO thing. I saw the alien autopsy tape and I dunno, man, it looked kinda calculated. I wanted more than anything to believe that. I felt like a child at Christmas, but it kinda seemed staged."

CS: "I think it's very important to play music with people who you love. One of the most important aspects of our band is friendship. That's why it was important that we get to know Dave, cos it definitely comes through in the music. Uh, sorry, I don't think that answers your question!"

F: "Sexiness for me comes from a female thing. But it can come from a male thing too. Like, a Marvin Gaye record is a really sexy thing. I find my girlfriend incredibly sexy."

AK: "Dave Navarro is a very sexy boy. He's definitely a positive perpetrator of delightful sexual energy. And I have to say the same thing about my girlfriend, Jamie."

DN: "Dark rooms are sexy to me. Certain fragrances are incredibly sexy. Hair. Or the lack of it, depending on who you're talking to! Music can be incredibly sexy too. And I think someone's household pet can be a sexy thing; the way they cradle it in their arms or care for it. I find things sexy which don't necessarily stimulate a sexual respnse within me but an emotional respnse."

CS: "Really stupid, insensitive, non-caring, abusive people. Bad music, bad art, bad movies."

F: "Strictly physical lust. As much as I can appreciate the form of a woman or the beauty of a woman, it's usually something else that grabs me. A vibe or whatever. A smile, a phrase, as opposed to just tits 'n' ass. Don't get me wrong, I definitely appreciate tits 'n' ass. I'm a lustful, heterosexual man!"

AK: "The French Government is not in any way sexy. And they're not hot. And they're not Funky. I'm really fucking brutally pissed off at the French Government right now. What the French did in Tahiti, it disgusts me."

DN: "Personally I don't trust human beings. The guys in this band I trust more than most people on the planet. But what I hate most in people is their lack of trustworthiness."

CS: "How about seven? Have a good time, all the time. That's my philosophy!"

F: "Oh God...Miserable. Ecstatic. Miserable. Ecstatic. Miserable. Is that five?"

AK: "Therapeutic sunshine post-tragic sadness."

DN: "Dark. Uplifting. Psychedelic. Wonderful. Terrible."

CS: "Right now I'm enjoying 'Deep Kick'. It has a lot of the elements of our new sound. It's a melding of Dave's influence and ours. And it's a cool story about Flea and Anthony."

F: "I like 'Transcending' a lot. The music is really new and exciting and innovative. I've never heard anything else like it. And the song is really close to my heart. It's about my friend River (Phoenix), who died. It just means a lot to me and it gives me a special feeling when I hear it."

AK: "It changes all the time, but for the last two or three days, 'Tearjerker' is the song that's been running through my head. It had a powerful impact on the family of my girlfriend. It's a specific love song, but it can be interpreted by everybody to apply to their own circumstances. My girlfriend's father died just two months ago, and coincidentally, he fits the description of that song. At a time of great loss, the family all kept listening to that song. They played it at his funeral. So it ended up having a profound meaning for me."

DN: "Right now it's 'One Big Mob'. There's a long psychedelic breakdown on that track. In the middle of it I recorded a tape of my baby brother crying. And my brother at this moment is in intensive care in Los Angeles. He had a seizure. I listened to that song today because I'm so far away, I feel so helpless. I just needed to hear it, even if he was crying. It really affected me."

Links to other sites on the Web

WALKABOUT (RHCP)
JOHN LENNON
MY AUSSIE MATE'S RHCP PAGE
JANE'S XINE (JANE'S ADDICTION)
SPICE GIRLS-THE SPICE SHACK

LIVE IT LIKE YOU LOVE IT!!

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY, REALLY WANT...I want Geri from the Spice Girls!!

© 1997 106026.3357@compuserve.com

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