THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN HERE -->

Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.
Alcohol is our worst enemy! Only cowards run away from the enemy.
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for two weeks.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Sticker on a car: No radio. Already stolen.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.
Don't drink and drive, you might spill some.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
Cooperation can only be reached if we work together.
The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount spent on the wedding.
I can resist everything except temptation.
Out of my mind... be back in five minutes.
Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Cinderella married for money.
It is silly for a woman to go to a male gynecologist. It is like going to an auto mechanic who has never owned his own car.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist!
Breathing may be hazardous for your health.
A man is not truly drunk until he can't lie on the floor without holding on.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Never argue with a women when she's tired. Or rested.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
A man is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished.
Death is a once in a lifetime experience.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away, and you have their shoes too.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead.
Be kind to your children; They choose your nursing home.
Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
Rule for precision: Measure with a micrometer, mark with chalk, cut with an axe.
In order for something to come clean, something else must get dirty.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
An expert is anyone from out of town.
You can always find what you're not looking for.
Whenever you cut your fingernails, you will need them an hour later.
In an organization there is always one person who knows what is going on. This person must get fired.
Confidence is the feeling you sometimes have before you fully understand the situation.
Love your neighbor, but be sure her husband is away.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided.
All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
If God had meant for us to travel tourist class, He would have made us narrower.
Beat your child once a day. If you don't know why, he does.
If your cow doesn't give milk, sell him.
Even paranoids have enemies.
Neighbors never sleep.
If you tell the truth once, they will never believe you again, no matter how much you lie.
Never step in anything soft.
To find a policeman in a hurry, double-park.
No wonder the country is in a mess; half the people are below median intelligence.
If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
After an instrument has been fully assembled and working, extra components will be found on the bench.
Attila The Hun's Maxim: If you're going to rape, pillage and burn, be sure to do things in that order.
Smith & Wesson... the original Point-N-Click interface.
Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"
The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.
Children in the front seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause children.
It doesn't matter if you win or lose, until you lose.
Be nice to people until you have made your first million bucks. After that people will be nice to you.
The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the letter.
When somebody drops something, everyone will kick it around instead of picking it up.
The worst or stupidest ideas are always the most popular.
Anything dropped while working on a car will roll underneath to the exact center.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
If your attack is going really well, it's probably an ambush.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100% fatal.
The common cold, if left untreated, lasts about two weeks. If treated with medication and rest, it lasts about fourteen days.
Many trees could be saved if the government stopped printing tax forms.
A neighbor will stand at your door talking for 20 minutes because she doesn't have time to come in.
Shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
It doesn't make any difference how much money you make, your wife can spend it all.
To be old and wise, you first must be young and stupid.
If it's stupid, but it works, it's not stupid.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
To some of us, reading the manual is conceding defeat.
If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your parents.
Who's General Failure and why's he reading my disk?
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
Sometimes just a few hours of trial and error debugging can save minutes of reading manuals.
Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak.
All animals except man know that the ultimate of life is to enjoy it.
Burn not your house to fright away the mice.
The only way to win money out of a casino is to own one.
Opportunities are never lost; someone will take the one you miss.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Time you enjoy wasting was not wasted.
Go to Heaven for the climate, to Hell for the company.
An armed society is a polite society.
Never let a machine know you're in a hurry.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Illiterate? Write for free help!
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a closed room with a mosquito.
Make only big mistakes.
Men and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.
Never do anything for the first time.
Hot tube looks exactly like the cold tube.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
If a million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
Diet rule #1: Never eat more than you can lift.
Fiction has to be believable, but in reality, anything can happen.
The ultimate in computer security is when the user cannot use the computer anymore.
Eat healthy, exercise, and die anyway.
One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
Never get into fights with ugly people. They have nothing to lose.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
It's a widely accepted fact that if your parents didn't have any children, you won't either.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
If you say something stupid, and no one disagrees, then you know you're the boss.
When your opponent is down, kick him.
One seventh of our lives is spent on Mondays.
Save your money - someday it may be worth something.
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Good, fast, cheap: choose any two.
Eventually, primitive life develops, and then shopping malls.
Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.
You can't make a baby in a month by getting nine women pregnant.
"We should make things as simple as possible, but not simpler." (Albert Einstein)
Discoveries are often made by not following instructions.
A good executive is a person who will share the credit with the person who did all the work.
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
There is always free cheese in a mousetrap.
A hen is only an egg's way of making more eggs.
One of the oldest human needs is having someone wonder where you are when you don't come home at night.
The supreme irony of life is hardly anyone ever gets out of it alive.
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can't learn in no other way.
There are two rules for success: 1) Never tell everything you know.
Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.
Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing.
While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too muchfraternizing with the enemy.
We are not retreating, we are advancing in another direction.
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Always keep a record of data. It indicates you've been working.
Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way.
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
If you have to travel on a Titanic, why not go first class?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
He who always finds fault with his friends has faulty friends.
Money is the root of all evil and man needs roots.
I cut it off again and it's still too short.
It take one woman nine months to have a baby, no matter how many men you put on the job.
When everything else fails, read the instructions.
Never, ever, fly on the airline of the country from which you are departing.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
Frequent naps will keep you from getting old, especially when taken while driving.
Virginity can be cured.
Don't ever ask a barber whether you need a haircut.
You must rest during the day so you can sleep at night.
The person who snores the loudest will fall asleep first.
One should always play fair when he has the winning cards.
You can't depend on anyone to be wrong all the time.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Einstein's theory is relatively simple.
The intensity of movie publicity is in inverse ratio to the quality of the movie.
Those who are against the freedom of speech must be silenced!
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
The beauty of most women is inversely proportional to the distance of the observer.
If you are wearing one brown shoe and one black shoe, you probably have a pair like it somewhere in the closet.
Don't be superstitious; it brings bad luck.
Good decisions come from experience; experience comes from bad decisions.
An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
Luck is the chief factor behind the other fellow's success.
You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, and that's sufficient.
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
Support the right to arm bears.
The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.
Join the Army: Visit exotic places, meet interesting people and then kill them.
Never judge a book by its movie.
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
If there is a tourist season, why can't we shoot them.
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
Indians discovered Columbus.
Man who sneezes without tissues takes matters into his own hands.
I'm the man of this house and I have my wife's permission to say so.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
We Are Micro$oft. Resistance Is Futile.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.



"The Assignment"
You know that book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well, here's a prime example of that. This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students:

First, the Assignment:
English 44A
California State University, Hayward
Creative Writing
Prof. Miller

In-class Assignment for Wednesday:
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.

Lisa starts:
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl . His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.
---
Dave:
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
---
Lisa:
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth-when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
---
Dave:
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"
---
Lisa:
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
---
Dave:
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
---
Lisa:
Asshole.
---
Dave:
Bitch.