Well first of all thankyou for taking the time to view my page! I wanted to create somewhere that I could showcase my poetry and also get across some points that I have about depression and self harm. I have experienced self harm as I used to do it and I did it for 10 years of my life. I was also depressed for a long time. But I have also watched a friend go through self harm and stood by feeling helpless and lost and not known what to do. Now I am at a stage where I know how to help and I want to let other people know. Depression is a disease - that it kills people every year and that it almost killed me is a reality. This is a disease that is recognised by doctors everywhere and its not something that is as taboo as self harm. Self Harm IS a disease - whether it is recognised or not. I self harmed because of low feelings of self worth - because of issues that I had - it wasn't always a choice though - I didn't feel like I had any other choices. What I want to get across to cutters right now is that you DO have a choice - your life is VALUED and even if you feel like nobody cares I CARE!! If you want someone to help you through what you are coping with then I will be there for you. I will do everything that I can to get you through this.
I have nearly eliminated cutting from my life - I wish I could say that I had done the same with depression but I don't think that depression can ever be cured. I am currently not on any medication and I am happy for once in my life but it still plagues me now and then. I still find myself getting distressed over small things but those times are getting rarer and rarer and my quality of life is so much better. I am doing ok for a change! I feel more sure of who I am and I have a sense of what I want in life. I have questioned so many areas of my life, revised my opinions, and seen things in a new light and not in the shadow of depression. I feel more equipped to cope with depression - to give 'it' a kick rather than turning the anger inwards towards myself. In my own way I am content and happy with my life and dare I say it - with myself. It was probably a gradual process... In a way I had resigned myself to living with crippling depression for the rest of my life. I was no longer fighting it. My moods went up and down... I could be so happy one minute and in despair the next. The times of happiness increased in length then came a bad bought of depression. Then at some point the depression lifted and it's intensity reduced. I don't know why and I don't care much why... it is a missing part of my life but it was the emptiness and now the empty space has filled with something alien but wonderful. Something that gives me the ability to be rational, to relax, to be peaceful, to cry, to laugh, to smile - the list is endless. Even if the depression was to return at it's worst then at least I know how it feels to be without it.
Something that goes hand in hand with feeling better is a future and when you are able to envisage a tomorrow, or a next month, or a next year you begin to hope for more. The contentment and happiness that I feel a lot of the time is more than I ever hoped for - but I don't want to stay in this safe place anymore. I want to keep moving forward, to follow my dreams, to take risks - am I strong enough?? - I have my doubts and only time will tell if my past will interfere with my dreams - but for the first time in my life - I am daring to hope for more!
Kirstie xxx
