You Might Be A Redneck
If...
You Might Be a Yankee If...
Children's Books You'll Never See
Things We'd Like To See On Company Motivational
Posters...
Real Airline Announcements
If Microsoft Made Cars...
Seminars for Males (Presented by Females)
Seminars for Females (Presented by Males)
Really, Really Good Sayings to Memorize
You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You think Liberation was that funny dressed guy who played the piano.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
You list your parole officer as a reference.
You have to curl the sides of your cowboy hat so your wife can ride in the truck too.
You paint your car with house paint.
You've ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.
You think espresso means eight items or less.
Your trim your beard and find a french fry.
Your satellite dish has more square footage than your house.
Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
Your wife would rather fish off a bridge than shop for clothes.
There are tobacco stains down the side of your school bus.
You've ever used pantyhose as a coffee filter.
You think Roe vs Wade deals with boat ownership.
Your car breaks down on the side of the road and you never go back to get it.
You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.
Your riding lawn mower has cup holders.
You think the Super Bowl is a top of the line bathroom fixture.
You've ever left Santa a RC and a Slim Jim.
The last photos of your mama were taken from the front and the side.
You have to mow your driveway.
You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
Your wife's hairdo has ever ruined a ceiling fan.
You think "The dishwasher is broke" means your wife has no money.
There are more than 10 lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
You've ever been caught in a crossfire at a family reunion.
You strip naked to the waist to eat barbecue.
You have ever given your mama jumper cables for Mother's Day.
You drove to elementary school.
1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY.
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
5. You don't know what a moon pie is.
6. You've never had grain alcohol.
7. You've never, ever, eaten Okra.
8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
10. You have no idea what a polecat is.
11. Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
12. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
13. You don't have bangs.
14. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
15. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out
of the same prep school
in Connecticut.
16. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to
get his own TV fishing
show.
17. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call
them "you guys," even if
both of them are women.
18. You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
19. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
20. You think more money should go to important scientific research
at your university than
to pay the salary of the head football coach.
21. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
22. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from
getting on an on-ramp
on the highway.
23. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
24. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
25. You call binoculars opera glasses.
26. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the
side of the road and
stopping.
27. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
28. You don't know what applique is.
29. Most of your formative high school kissing experiences took place
within the context of
a football game.
30. You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
31. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
32. You've never been to a craft show.
33. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
34. You can't do your laundry without quarters.
35. None of your fur coats are homemade.
36. You only think of wearing boots when it snows.
"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
1. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
2. It's only unethical if you get caught.
3. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
4. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing
the job WRONG fourteen
times gives you job security.
5. Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
6. If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals! (We suck less!)
7. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
8. We put the "k" in "kwality"
9. If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.
10. Artificial Intelligence in no match for Natural Stupidity
11. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
12. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you
probably haven't completely
understood the situation.
13. ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.....
14. We make great money! We have great benefits! We do
no work! We are union
members!
15. 2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
16. Your job is still better than asking "You want fries with that?"
17. We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile.
18. Plagiarism saves time.
19. If at first you don't succeed - try management.
20. At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.
21. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
22. Never quit until you have another job.
23. TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Here are some actual statements by airline flights crews.
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of
this airplane..."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."
Pilot : "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately
none of them are on this flight...!"
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself): "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size bottom.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would also require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
1. Combating Stupidity
2. You, Too, Can Do Housework
3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money
6. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")
8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception
9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook
10. How Not to Act Like a Jackass When You're Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You: The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons to Give Flowers
15. How to Stay Awake in Public
16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom
17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb
18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try
19. The Morning Dilemma if IT's awake: Take a Shower
20. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
21. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet")
22. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms
23. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bull
24. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost
25. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
26. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex
27. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
28. Mothers-in-Law: They are People Too
29. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home
30. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
31. Seeing the True You (formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like
Mel Gibson When
Naked")
32. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
1. Elementary Map Reading
2. Crying and Law Enforcement
3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours
5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast
6. The Seven-Outfit Week
7. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine ("It's Happened Monthly Since
Puberty:Deal With
it")
8. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions
9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights
10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed
11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water
12. Football: Not a Game, A Sacrament
13. Telephone Translations (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I Love You")
14. How to Earn Your Own Money
15. Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good")
16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station
19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too
22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
23. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock")
24. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"
25. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
I just remembered two things: You're boring and my legs work!!