101 Reasons It's Great to Be Female
 How to Lose Friends and Influence No One
Ten Ways to Tell a Redneck Has Been On Your Computer
 Answering Machine Messages
 How to Write Better

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101 Reasons It's Great to Be Female

1. Free drinks

2. Free dinners

3. Free lunches

4. Free movies (you get the point)

5. You can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay

6. You can cry without pretending there's something in your contact

7. You know the truth about whether size matters

8. Speeding ticket?  What's that?

9. You can hug your friend without wondering if YOU'RE gay

10. You actually get extra points for sitting on your butt watching sports

11. You don't have to try to laugh louder, deeper and harder than your buddies

12. If you never have a son, it's okay

13. if you do have a son, and he's a lousy athlete, it's still okay

14. If YOU'RE a lousy athlete, you don't have to question your worth as a human being

15. A new lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life

16. In high school, you never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned

17. If you have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, it doesn't mean you're
the devil

18. You don't have to count how many people you've slept with

19. Condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex

20. If you have to be home in time for 90210, you can say so, out loud

21. If you're not making enough money, you can blame the glass ceiling

22. You can sleep your way to the top

23. You can sue for sexual harassment

24. You can sue the President for sexual harassment

25. If you're not very attractive, you can fool 'em with makeup

26. If you use self-tanner, it doesn't necessarily mean you're a big loser

27. Same with tanning beds

28. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep

29. You could possibly live your whole life without ever taking a group shower

30. No fashion faux pas you make could rival the Speedo

31. If you're pregnant, YOU get to decide what to do about it >

32. Brad Pitt

33. You don't have to fart to amuse yourself

34. If you cheat on your spouse, people assume it's because you're being emotionally neglected

35. YOU never have to wonder if your orgasm was real

36. You'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper

37. When you take off your shoes, nobody passes out

38. If the person you're dating is much better at something than you are, you don't have to break up with them

39. If you think the person your dating really likes you, you don't have to break up with them

40. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest drug/beauty-supply store

41. If you don't shave, no one will know

42. You can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her ass

43. If you have a zit, you can conceal it

44. You don't have to reach down every so often to make sure you privates are still there

45. If you want to have sex, you always can

46. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute

47. You don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in

48. If you love someone, it's easy for you to tell them

49. You can dress yourself

50. Your hair is yours to keep

51. If you ARE bald, people will think you did it on purpose, and you're really chic

52. Once a month, you have an excuse to be a total bitch

53. You don't need a special occasion to hug your dad

54. You never have to wonder if you'll offend somone by opening the Door for them

55. When necessary, you can live without sex

56. You can always get a ride hitch-hiking

57. You don't have to pretend to like cigars

58. You don't have to pretend you liked cigars before they were cool

59. You'll never have to blow 2 months salary on anything

60. you can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked

61. If you marry someone 20 years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot

62. You don't think that wearing a warm coat in the dead of winter makes you look like a
wuss

63. You'll never lose your voice from screaming at the TV

64. If you wear cologne, you don't have to pretend it's aftershave

65. You'll probably never see someone you know while peeing in an alley

66. You never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist

67. You don't have a scar right under your chin

68. You and your friends don't have to get totally wasted in order to share your feelings

69. If you talk to your mom every day, it's normal

70. If you pick up the check once in a while, that's plenty

71. Sitting and watching people is all the entertainment you need

72. You can quickly end any fight simply by crying

73. You can decide not to work once you've had kids

74. Your friend won't think you're weird when you ask if there's spinach in your teeth

75. When you get a million catalogues in the mail, it's a good thing

76. Sometimes, chocolate truly can solve all your problems

77. If you're under 6', you don't have to lie about it

78. You have never had a goatee

79. Gay waiters don't make you uncomfortable

80. You'll never regret piercing your ears

81. You can fully assess someone just by looking at their shoes

82. You'll never discover you've been fooled by a Wonderbra

83. When you wear sweatpants, it isn't obscene

84. You know better than to ever use Grecian Formula

85. It doesn't take you an hour to go to the bathroom

86. You don't have hair on your back

87. Your GP never has to put on a rubber glove

88. When you get dumped, you can admit you're depressed

89. If anything on your body isn't as big as it should be, you can get implants

90. You can tell which glass was yours by the lipstick mark

91. If you have big ears, no one has to know

92. If someone takes your seat in a bar, you don't have to hit them

93. It's okay if you can't drive stick

94. Ally McBeal

95. When you fall in love, you don't need a Jerry McGuire Moment to help you realize it

96. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can

97. You can borrow your spouse's clothes and it doesn't mean you belong on Springer

98. You've known the joy of making a collage for your BF

99. You can be attracted to someone just because they're really funny

100. You bond easily

101. When you become President, you'll be the first woman ever
 

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

8. Practice making fax and modem noises.

9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.

10. Make beeping noises when someone is backing up.

11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

18. Honk and wave to strangers.

19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.

21. type only in lowercase.

22. dont use any punctuation either

23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:  "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

27. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

28. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

29. Sing along at the opera.

30. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

31. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook.  Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

32.  Ask people what gender they are.

33. Tell your friends 5 days prior, that you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

34. Reach into open car windows in parking lots and turn the radio allt he way up.

35. Turn everyone else's statements into an analogy based on Star Trek. "You know, Sulu went through the same thing back in episode number..."
 
 

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Bubba".

4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
 

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.

19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.

22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.

23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.
 

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

"A" is for academics, "B" is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money.  If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.  If you are my friends, you owe me money.  If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings!  The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds!  Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort
is in vain.

The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.  Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we're  not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll assimilate you later.

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done...(Cachunk!)

(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344.  If you want to leave a message, please  wait for the tone.  If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound,  press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number.  If you want to leave your name and just a message, press
star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and (BEEP)

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is  "supercilious."

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line.  Prepare for Test 1.  Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP

(Rod Sterling imitation:)  You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead-this is no ordinary telephone answering device...You have reached,  "The Twilight Phone".

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

(Recorded directly from AT&T:)  The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed.  The new number is 226-0477.  Please make a note of it.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System.  Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use.  Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.  There is no charge for this initial consultation.  However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.  Thank you.

(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.

You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

Hello, this is Sid. I've got a puppy in one hand and a Smith & Wesson. 38 in the other. Leave a message or the puppy gets it.
 
 

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

4. Employ the vernacular.

5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

7. Remember to never split an infinitive.

8. Contractions aren't necessary.

9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

10. One should never generalize.

11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what
you know."

12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. Be more or less specific.

15. Understatement is always best.

16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

18. The passive voice is to be avoided.

19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

21. Who needs rhetorical questions?

22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

23. Don't never use a double negation.

24. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point

25. Do not put statements in the negative form.

26. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

27. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

28. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be
avoided by rereading and editing.

29. A writer must not shift your point of view.

30. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

31. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!

32. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
words, to their antecedents.

33. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

34. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

35. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

36. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

37. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

38. Always pick on the correct idiom.

39. The adverb always follows the verb.

40. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.