DULLHOLLAND FALLS

INSIDE THIS ISSUE:

The world of RTE was rocked to its foundations last week with the shock resignation of top executive Joe Dullholland. The move came after months of mounting criticism levelled at the Montrose mandarins.It is believed some oranges and pears were also severely berated. A defiant Dullholland refused to be castigated in an emotionally charged press conference yesterday. "I don't think we should be talking about blame," said the hirsute mogul. "But it was everyone else's fault. If I had my way we'd be back to the old test card days.Now that was real telly.

The miracle of broadcasting is not that we do so little, but the fact that we manage to do anything. Jaysus, most of the time we just hang out in my office, smoking pot and playing the Playstation."

Dullholland began his career in Nobber Community Access TV, Co. Meath, where he served as a teaboy for twenty years. With such an impressive track record, he was poached by RTE where he was installed as Director of Important Stuff. He produced the ground-breaking Today Goodnight, arguably the station's most boring programme ever. It won the prestigious Golden Bore Award for three successive years at the Bunclody International Broadcasting Festival. However, the glory days were not to last and a series of programming blunders were to cost Dullholland his job. First, he banned vegetarian meals in the canteen. "Veggies are poofs," he said at the time. Then there was the controversial decision to axe popular programmes such as the news. The straw that broke the camel's donkey was Dullholland's infamous three-point plan which outraged both RTE staff and the viewing public. The plan was loosely based on these principles:

1. I'm always right
2. You're fired
3. See point no. 1

Mr. Dullholland now hopes to go back to his original dream of fronting a rock band and hopes to persuade his old group, The Dullards, to reform. Pictured above are the other original members of the band: (l-r) Joe Dullholland, Myles Speedy and Waxy Peterson. . Meanwhile, his successor at RTE is Mr. Cathal Gonads who joins the station from TG4, where people described him as "an absolute lunatic". A relaxed Gonads told reporters yesterday that he was delighted at his new appointment. "Ta me go maith. An bhfuil cead agam dul go dti an leithreas?"

ÉAMONN ANDREWS STATUE SCARES LIFE OUT OF RECEPTIONIST



Ronnie Corbett moments before Eamonn Andrews' statue pinched his bottom in 1997.
TV Reception, New Year's Day: The statue of late broadcaster Éamonn Andrews is reported to have scared the life out of receptionist Amber Brickshithouse. "It was about 8pm and I was just sitting here reading 'VIP Magazine' over a cup of tea when I could feel someone staring at me. I looked up and nearly keeled over when the statue winked at me!" said a visibly disturbed Brickshithouse yesterday. "I thought I was going mad and kept it to myself but it has happened twice since then when I've been on late shifts and the statue has made lewd gestures such as licking its lips and mouthing obscenities". Miss Brickshithouse has requested to be moved to radio reception where she hopes Ciarán Mac Mathúna's head is better behaved.
Sex on Page 3!

Mary drowns in flood in new building
Pest Control in Sports Department!
FREE RTE BICYCLES TO BE LEFT AROUND COMPLEX FOR EVERYONE'S USE
Exclamation Marks!!

Madonna confirms that her next child will be called 'Ballinaspittle'

 

D.G.ADMITS MISTAKE. THOUGHT HE WAS HEAD OF ESB, NOT RTÉ. NOT ACTUALLY £15 MILLION IN DEBT. CAUSES ALARM AMONG ESB STAFF.
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