HB House, episode 5
By Cullen Pittman
Gator Retainer.
Wally Gator was busy sleeping in his swamp decorated room. The bugs were busy buzzing around his snoring mouth and getting inhaled as well. Then Wally woke up and made a huge yawn causing his huge toothy snout to cover the entire screen. Then a few dragonflies and mosquitoes ended up flying into his mouth causing him to choke.
“BLAACH!” gagged Wally as he coughed out the bugs that landed on his blanket. “Oh, sorry about that fellas”, said Wally as he picked up a small dragonfly and started moving its wings up and down causing the small bug to come back to life, then did the same for the other bugs.
“You know my precious pets”, said Wally. “I’ve told you many times not to fly around my mouth while I’m snoring. A gator’s snout can be a dangerous trap, even when he’s asleep, dontchaknow?”
“BZZZZ!” said the bugs bowing their heads in sorrow.
“Just as long as you learned from this near death experience, everything will be okay, okay?” smiled Wally as he took a cup of garbage and a cup of blood from his dresser drawer.
“BZZZZZ!” said the bugs happily as some of the bugs stated eating up the garbage while the mosquitoes went for the blood.
“I was hoping you’d like it”, smiled Wally. “That’s vintage AB blood I got not cheap from the blood bank and the garbage came from a fancy new French restaurant that opened the other day. They let me have it for free.”
Then Wally got out of his bed and stretched his arms and legs and then twirled his tail like a propeller. “Now it’s time for me to have some breakfast”, smiled Wally, but then his gator smile turned into a frown when he looked at his alarm clock. “10:07?!” cried Wally. “Oh, phooey! My alarm didn’t go off! I missed breakfast! Wait, Wendy might still have some leftovers! I gotta go get them before they disappear like my dinosaur relatives!” And Wally threw off his nightgown, changed into his hat, collar, sleeve cuffs, and tie and was ready to leave his room. “It’s a good thing we animal citizens have an easy dress code”, said Wally. “Otherwise, we’d take forever to get dressed, dontchaknow?”
As Wally stepped out of his room, he saw Wendy and Huckleberry Hound standing in front of Sneezly Seal’s closed door. “Oh, Wendy”, smiled Wally. “I’m glad I found you. You wouldn’t happen to have anymore breakfast stuff leftover, would you?”
“Sorry, Wally”, said Wendy not turning her head to him. “It’s all gone. You know the rules. Everyone has to be at the breakfast table at exactly 8 AM, otherwise all the good stuff might be gone.”
“But my alarm clock that was supposed to go off around eight didn’t ring”, protested Wally. “I think one of my pet bugs must’ve crawled on the switch and turned it off.”
“If you like, you can just pour yourself a bowl of cereal from the kitchen”, said Wendy.
“But Wednesdays are your wonderful waffle days”, whined Wally. “It would break this gator’s heart if I didn’t have one of your wonderful waffles this week. Can’t you just put a tiny bit of batter in your waffle iron for me? It can even be an eye drop of batter!”
“I’d like to help you out”, said Wendy. “But I’m really busy right now. Huck and I have to get Sneezly out of his room.”
“Has he trapped himself inside?” asked Wally.
“No, he’s locked himself inside”, said Huck. “Today is Sneezly’s dental appointment. But for some reason, he doesn’t want to go.”
“And you can’t make me!” shouted Sneezly from behind the door. “My health is at stake!”
“But the dentist wants to make you healthy”, said Huck. “Your teeth part that is. I don’t know if he wants the rest of your body healthy though!”
“Come on, Sneezly”, said Wendy. “The dentist is your friend.”
“No, he’s the devil!” shouted Sneezly. “He’ll do evil things to me!”
“Your dentist is the devil?” asked Wally confused.
“That’s what all kids seem to say”, said Wendy. “I remember saying the same exact things about my dentist when I was a little kid. But as I grew up, I realized he only wanted my teeth clean and healthy and I felt guilty about thinking those bad thoughts about my childhood dentist. You don’t want to have those same feelings of guilt about your dentist when you grow up, do you Sneezly?”
“But you don’t understand”, cried Sneezly. “He is a devil! The kids at school showed me a photo of him yesterday. He has red skin and horns on his head!”
“Are you sure that wasn’t just a red sunburn and two cowlicks?” asked Huck.
“And the kids say he’s evil and sadistic!” cried Sneezly. “One time, Scrappy Doo had to go to him for a cleaning. The next day, Scrappy came to school with a clamped muzzle on his mouth and a few teeth missing.”
“Are you sure Scrappy didn’t just injure his mouth by doing wild skateboard stunts in the school parking lot?” asked Wendy. “He can sometimes be a brave, but reckless pup.”
“Scrappy really needs to take a lesson from his cautious Uncle Scooby”, said Huck.
“There’s no way I’m going to meet that devil dentist!” cried Sneezly. “Even if it means staying locked up in my room until I’m old and my teeth falls out. That’s when I’ll come out!”
“How long is a seal’s life span, I wonder?” asked Wally.
“Huck, don’t you have a spare key to every room in this house?” asked Wendy. “Including one to Sneezly’s room?”
“It wasn’t on my key rack”, said Huck. “Sneezly must’ve snuck into my office and taken it when we were all asleep. He sure wants to avoid that dentist bad.”
“Yeah, that dentist is BAD!” called out Sneezly.
“I think I know how to get that door open”, said Wendy, reaching into her hair and pulling out a hairpin.
“A hairpin?” asked Wally. “What’ll that do?”
“Just watch”, smiled Wendy as she was about to put the pin to the keyhole.
“A hairpin?!” called out Sneezly as he opened the door and looked at the shiny pin with huge eyes. “Ooooh! It’s pretty!” smiled Sneezly.
“I get it!” said Huck. “Using a pretty shiny hairpin to lure a seal out of his room is brilliant.”
“Pure, genius”, said Wally.
“That’s not exactly what I really planned”, said Wendy, puzzled. “But I guess it worked.”
“Grab him!” shouted Huck as he and Wally pounced onto the seal, but Sneezly was slippery as a seal and he managed to slip out of their grasps and slide down the hall.
“Sneezly, get back here!” shouted Huck. “There’s no way us responsible guardians are gonna deprive you of your dental care!”
Sneezly, backed into a corner, quickly pulled out a huge pepper shaker and titled it at his nose. “Take one more step and I’ll release my supersonic sneeze!” he shouted.
“Back away everyone!” said Huck. “I think he’s serious!”
“Sneezly, you would never release one of your supersonic sneezes on us!” said Wendy, “At least not on purpose!”
“If you’re gonna take me to that dentist, I have no choice!” said Sneezly, twitching the pepper shaker. “I’m sorry, everyone.”
“Let me handle this”, said Wally as he slowly approached Sneezly.
“Please don’t make me blow you away!” shouted Sneezly as he moved the shaker closer to his nose.
“Okay, I’ll stay put”, said Wally sitting down on the floor. “But you know Sneezly, dentists are supposed to be one of the most professional, loyal, and honest work people around. They don’t want to see kids’ teeth harmed in any way.”
“Really?” asked Sneezly. “Even the one I’m supposed to go to?”
“Trust me, we gators are experts on tooth care”, smiled Wally. “In fact, all dentists everywhere must be screened and approved by the toothfairy herself, before they can have their careers. And if a dentist does hurt a kid’s teeth on purpose, the toothfairy uses her magic to take that mean dentist away and sentences him to work in the fluoride mines for all eternity.”
“Do you mean that?” asked Sneezly.
“Yep”, said Wally nodding his snout.
“I always thought the toothfairy’s job was only to collect loose teeth for money”, said Wendy.
“She has to have a professional job to get all those quarters”, said Huck.
“I’ll tell you what, Sneezly”, said Wally, “How about if I go with you to be your bodyguard? And if that so called devil dentist does anything to hurt you illegally, I’ll snap at his butt and get him to back off. How does that sound?
“Well, okay”, said Sneezly putting the pepper shaker down. “I surrender.”
“That’s a good boy”, smiled Wally as he took Sneezly’s hand and was going to lead him downstairs.
“Thank’s a bunch, Wal”, said Huck. “That was good negotiating you did.”
“And when you get back, I’ll make up a special plate of waffles just for you Wally”, smiled Wendy.
“Thanks guys”, smiled Wally. “This gator won’t let you down, dontchaknow?”
“You’d better not let me down the most!” said Sneezly nervously.
* * * * * *
Later, we see Wally and Sneezly sitting in the waiting room of the dentist’s office. In front of them was Doggie Daddy with a pet carrying case sitting next to him. “Hi, Doggie Daddy”, called out Wally. “Long time no see, dontchaknow?”
“Hey there, Wal”, said Daddy. “And hi to you too, Sneezly. Are you here for a dental examination?”
“More like dental execution”, moaned Sneezly.
“Sneezly here is”, said Wally. “I’m just here to make sure he doesn’t get scared.”
“I’m in the same boat with my son, Augie, here”, said Daddy, patting the carrying case.
“Augie, is that you in there?” asked Sneezly. “You too have to see the evil dentist everyone at school’s taking about?”
“Hi, Sneezly”, moaned the little puppy from inside the case. “My dear old Benedict Arnold dad wants me to get hurt by the mean old devil dentist!”
“Him too?!” asked Wally.
“Augie, my sweet but paranoid son!” scolded Daddy. “How many times have I gotta tell you? Dentists are not devils! They’re your friends. The only devils that want to hurt your teeth are those cavity creeps! You probably have a mouth full of them thanks to all those devil food cakes you keep eating.”
“How about if I switch to holy goodness angel food if you take me home right away?” asked Augie.
“Clever thinking my son”, said Daddy. “But no cigar, which children shouldn’t be smoking anyway.”
“Aw, fiddle faddle!” groaned Augie.
“Sorry, Augie”, said Sneezly. “I’ve tried the same things with Wally, too.”
Just then, a voice on the intercom above spoke. “Sneezly Seal, please get your little tooth filled PIE HOLE in my office right away. ON THE DOUBLE!”
“That’s you”, said Wally, taking Sneezly’s arm and dragging him through the door.
“Keep your faith, Sneezly!” called out Augie while trying to gnaw the bars off his carrying case.
“Augie, stop that!” shouted Daddy. “Or else, the dentist might have to fix your damaged teeth as well as fixing my bank account down to zero!”
* * * * * *
Wally and Sneezly entered the office and saw that no dentist was around. “Is anyone here?” called out Wally.
“Oh gee”, said Sneezly, pretending to be sad. “I guess there’s no dentist to look at my teeth. Maybe we should go home.”
“I’ll be out in a minute!” sang a guy’s voice from behind a door. Then you can hear a toilet flush and out came the dentist. He was dressed in a white coat which seemed normal, but what didn’t seem normal was that he had red skin, two tiny horns on his head, and he wasn’t wearing pants and he seemed to have a small pointed tail sticking out his huge rear end.
“Hello, ladies!” said the dentist politely. “Dr. Redguy at your, SEVER, I mean, service!”
“Hello, Dr. Redguy”, said Wally. “I’m here to bring Sneezly for his dental….”
“OH MY!” gasped Dr. Redguy as he zoomed up to Wally and eyed his alligator snout. “Are you here to get your teeth fixed, Mr. Lizard?”
“First of all, I’m an alligator, not a lizard”, said Wally. “And second, Sneezly’s here for the check up, my teeth are fine.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure”, whispered Dr. Redguy.
“Look at him, Wally”, Sneezly whispered. “He’s got red skin and horns! Like a devil!”
“Let me handle this”, said Wally. “Um, no offense Doc”, said Wally turning to Dr. Redguy. “But isn’t it kind of unusual for a dentist to have red skin and horns? Come to think of it, it’s kind of unusual for any kind of person to have red skin and horns.”
“OH, MY TRAGIC AGONY OF FATE!” wailed Dr. Redguy. “All this is just a skin condition of mine that was inherited by my family tree! A REDWOOD! I’ve always wanted to be a dentist and make children’s teeth HEALTHY and STRONG! But the dear kids fear me because of my OUTWARD APPEARANCE! Can’t they just look inside and find my inner-beauty?!”
“Hey, I’m sorry I brought that up”, said Wally patting the crying Redguy’s back. “See Sneezly”, said Wally. “He isn’t such a devil after all! He can’t help the way he looks.”
“Well…” said Sneezly, still unsure.
“I have an idea”, said Redguy now smiling at Wally, “Mr. Iguana, why don’t you sit in the chair and let me work on your teeth?!”
“You want to work on my teeth?!” asked Wally, surprised.
“But of course”, said Redguy, delighted. “That way you can show your PANTY WASTE friend here that we dentists aren’t so bad. What do you say, Mr. Newt?”
“I told you, I’m an alligator”, said Wally, confused.
“Excellent, Mr. Gecko!” smiled Redguy as he pushed Wally into the chair, then some metals straps clamped onto Wally’s wrists and ankles. The he turned to Sneezly. “Now watch and study me you cute little SISSY skeptic!” said Redguy as he started rubbing Wally’s snout. “For here are all the fun things we dentists get to do to little children’s delicate teeth.”
“First we tie this cute little BIB around your neck!” said Redguy as he took a clean bib with an angel on the front. He looked at the angel and said, “WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?!” and threw it in the trash and took out another bib with lots of disgusting looking stains on it.
“Sorry about the dirty bib”, smiled Redguy. “My dog just had puppies.”
“WHAT?!” gasped Wally, while folding his arms over his chest.
“Just kidding!” laughed Redguy as he tied the bib around Wally’s neck almost choking him. “Actually, my cat just had KITTENS!”
“Congratulations!” gasped Wally, trying to breathe with the tight bib on.
“Just kidding again!” laughed Redguy. “I actually just blew my nose in it.”
Wally suddenly turned a queasy purple, and not from the choking of the tight bib.
“And now let me show you two ladies the safe and POINTY equipment I’ll be using on your fragile little mouths”, smiled Redguy as he took out a violin case and took out some dental equipment.
“First is this tiny little mirror, which will let me have a close look at any mean old cavities”, said Redguy, taking out a huge mirror.
“That looks like a rear view mirror from a car”, said Wally.
“Yeah, it came from a patient of mine who couldn’t pay his 3 MILLION dollar dental bill”, smiled Redguy. “Somehow, he got into an unexpected car accident the day after he told me he couldn’t pay. HOW TRAGIC!”
“Gulp”, went Sneezly.
“And this here is a tiny little scraper that allows me to scrape off plaque from your SIS…, I mean, sensitive teeth”, smiled Redguy, taking out a tiny scraper. “Sometimes I like to carve my initials on people’s gums to express myself.”
“Double gulp!” went Sneezly.
“And a dentist isn’t a dentist without his trusty floss”, said Redguy. “And it comes in 3 flavors. Mint, cherry, and BARBED WIRE! Sorry, but I ran out of the first two flavors.”
“Triple gulp!” went Sneezly.
“And we have here my trusty x-ray machine”, said Redguy, yanking down a machine with lots of circuits crackling around it. “It might send radioactivity into your brain cells and would probably DAMAGE them a lot. But don’t worry. It won’t harm your teeth at all!”
“I’ll do the gulping this time, Sneezly”, whispered Wally.
“And now for the fun part”, smiled Redguy, “Fun part for me that is! EXAMINATION TIME!” And he took a huge stick and jammed it in Wally’s mouth causing his jaw to remain open.
“GARAWA!” moaned Wally, whose jaw was too wide open to talk properly.
“The stick is for my safety”, smiled Redguy. “I’m not really DUMB enough to put my hand in a komodo dragon’s mouth!”
“But Wally’s a gator!” said Sneezly.
“Don’t interrupt me boy, ya’ bother me!” said Redguy as he put on a glove with a funny and sharp looking dental tool on each fingertip. Then he started feeling around inside Wally’s mouth looking and poking every tooth and gum line causing Wally to shed tears.
“That could be me, next!” gasped Sneezly while shaking his flippers.
“JUST AS I THOUGHT!” said Redguy. “You have a serious jaw problem, Mr. Gila Monster. Your top and bottoms jaws have been pushed out way TOO MUCH! You look like a freaky ALLIGATOR!”
“GAWARAWWA!” mumbled Wally with the stick still in his mouth, trying to tell him that he is an alligator.
“You’re gonna need braces, RIGHT AWAY!” shouted Redguy.
“WARAGAWUA!” cried Wally.
“I don’t think Wally wants to have braces”, said Sneezly.
“He’d better get them if he knows what’s GOOD FOR HIM!” shouted Redguy.
“RAWARA?!” asked Wally.
“Here, let me draw you a demonstration on what will happen if you don’t get the proper TOOTH care right away”, said Redguy as he pushed out a blackboard and started scribbling on it.
“You may THINK having long jaws might not be a big deal now”, explained Redguy while drawing a picture of Wally with a small dunce cap on his head. “But about 5 or 10 years from now, those jaws of yours will keep growing and growing, AND GROWING!” And the doctor started drawing Wally’s snout even longer. “They’ll grow until they’re 40 FEET LONG, causing you to lose your balance and fall FLAT on your back and be that way forever.”
“GAWWW!” cried Wally, seeing the drawing of himself with a long snout and on his back helpless.
“AND THAT’S NOT ALL!” shouted Redguy as he continued drawing. “Those jaws of yours will continue to grow and grow until they reach outer space and finally the SUN!” And he drew Wally’s snout hitting the sun and then catching on fire.
“GARAW!” cried Wally with huge fearful eyes while Sneezly covered his in fright.
“That’s right, Mr. Salamander!” said Redguy. “Those PAINFUL solar flames will cover your entire snout until they reach your reptilian body and then set the very Earth you inhabit on FIRE. And pretty soon, the entire planet will become a BURNING INFERNO! Hmmm, that does sound kind of nice.”
“GAW?” asked Wally, confused.
“Never mind”, said Redguy blushing. “So you see, Mr. Chameleon. It’s important you get braces too keep those evil jawbones of yours from growing. Not for your sake, but for THE ENTIRE WORLD’S sake.”
“GARAWA!” gasped Wally getting nervous while sweating.
“But fear not. Dr. Redguy’s in the house and he’s here to make sure those REBEL jaws don’t grow anymore!” And he pulled a huge box out of nowhere that read, spare parts, and took out a handful of rusted armor, wires, and sharp nails.
“All this might be too much for your FRAGILE little eyes,
kid”, said Redguy to Sneezly
as he pulled a curtain over himself and Wally.
Then Sneezly started to hear a bunch of
drilling, crackling, and jackhammer drills while Wally was making lots of
painful noises while Redguy was happily singing, “I’m
the dentist of
“How did the toothfairy ever approve of him?” wondered Sneezly nervously.
“ALL DONE!” called out Redguy as he pushed back the curtain. Sneezly became shocked at the sight of his friend, Wally. Wally’s head was completely covered with a black metal helmet making him look like a knight. Only his eyes were showing through a tiny window. “This has got to be my best work ever!” said Redguy with tears in his eyes. Then he took out a camera, took a picture of the helmeted Wally, and placed his picture on a board filled with other miserable looking patients with sharp looking dental headgear. “You’ve just made my Wall of Pain! CONGRATS! Your days of looking like an icky alligator are over!”
“But for the last time, I am an icky alligator!” said Wally, speaking through the little vents around the snout part of his helmet. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you when you jammed that stick in my mouth!”
“TOO LATE NOW, PAL!” shouted Redguy. “But don’t worry. That headgear is only temporary. It’ll come off very soon.”
“How soon?” asked Wally.
“ABOUT 1000 YEARS!” said Redguy.
“A THOUSAND YEARS?!” gasped Wally and Sneezly together. “I can’t wait that long!” shouted Wally. “I want this gear off my gator face, NOW!”
“Sorry”, smiled Redguy. “But that helmet won’t come off in any way, for there’s a TIME LOCK on it!”
“A time lock?!” cried Wally.
“Here’ let me show you”, smiled Redguy as he took some mirrors and pointed them at different angles. Wally looked at one of the mirrors and saw on back of his helmeted head a number board with the number 1000 on it.
“Once that number reaches zero”, explained Redguy. “The headgear will unlock and you’ll have your precious freedom back.”
“But I might not live for a 1000 years!” cried Wally.
“You might if you give up FATTY fried foods”, smiled Redguy.
“I won’t be able to eat anything at all with this headgear on!” cried Wally.
“Oh, will you look at the time?!” smiled Redguy, pointing to his drawn-on his wrist watch. “I got more patients to take care off. So it’s time for you two LADIES to leave!”
“But weren’t you supposed to look at Sneezly’s teeth?” asked Wally confused. “That’s the reason we both came here.”
“OH, VERY WELL!” grumbled Redguy as he bent down to look at the nervous Sneezly. “Say, AAAAAAAAH!” shouted Redguy, screaming into the poor seal’s face.
Sneezly nervously opened his mouth while Redguy eyed his teeth. “Eh, you’re fine”, said Redguy, who didn’t seem to be interested in Sneezly’s teeth at all. “SEE YA’ AROUND. I’LL MAIL YOU THE BILL!” and he pushed both Wally and Sneezly out the door and back into the waiting room where Augie and Doggie Daddy were still waiting.
“Sneezly”, called out Augie from his carrying case. “Was it as bad as the kids in school said? Did he hurt you at all?”
“No, not really”, said Sneezly confused. “He didn’t even touch my teeth.”
“Wally”, gasped Doggy Daddy. “What’s with the metal head? Are you trying out for that Revenge of the Sith musical at the theater?”
“No”, grumbled Wally, “That crazy dentist thinks I should wear this headgear for 1000 years!”
“But why?” asked Daddy. “You weren’t the one who needed the appointment today.”
“I’d rather not talk about it”, grumbled Wally. “I just wanna get home now! Come on, Sneezly.” And he grabbed Sneezly’s hand and rushed out the door.
“I wonder what when on behind that door?” wondered Daddy. Just then, Redguy popped his head out of the tiny little keyhole. “Augie Doggie” called out Redguy. “YOU’RE NEXT!”
“Gulp!” went Augie.
“And why don’t you invite your dear old dad who has that APALLING shaped mouth to come in too?” smiled Redguy snickering.
“Say, Augie my son”, said Daddy nervously. “What do you say we skip your appointment and I’ll just by you those teeth cleaning dog biscuits 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?”
“Thank you, oh protective and smart father of mine!” cried Augie as he and his dad left the room.
“WHY DO THAT?!” shouted Redguy. “I WAS THAT FIFTH DENTIST!”
* * * * * *
Back at the HB House kitchen, we see Wendy preparing a batch of waffles while Huck was at the table reading the newspaper. “I hope Sneezly’s dental appointment is going well”, said Wendy. “He was really terrified when he left the house.”
“Don’t worry”, said Huck, “Wally said he’d be by Sneezly’s side throughout his torture, I mean, treatment!
“You don’t think that Sneezly’s dentist really is a devil, do you?” asked Wendy.
“Nyahhh”, laughed Huck. “Devils don’t like dressing in white.” Then they see Sneezly walking into the kitchen.
“Hi Sneezly”, smiled Wendy. “You seem to look fine. Did the dentist check out and clean your teeth?”
“Yeah, he did look at my teeth”, said Sneezly. “But I think that’s all he did. He didn’t even put any of those sharp and funny looking tools in my mouth at all.”
“Are you serious?” asked Wendy.
“Nope”, said Sneezly. “He just took one quick look at my teeth and said I was fine and he sent me away. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.”
“Gee”, said Huck. “That sounded like you went through the world’s quickest dental check up. They should put that in the book of world records.”
“And it’s pretty odd that he didn’t do any work on your teeth”, said Wendy. “By the way, where’s Wally? I have his waffles ready for him.”
“Over here!” called out Wally’s voice from the doorway. “And I don’t want to come in right now.”
“Why not?” asked Huck.
“I don’t want any of you to look at me!” wailed Wally. “It’s too embarrassing!”
“But I got your waffles ready for you”, said Wendy.
“Oh, that tantalizing square wheat smell!” groaned Wally. “Okay, I surrender. I’ll come in. Just brace yourselves like I just have.” Wendy and Huck looked shocked as they saw their gator friend enter the kitchen with a rusty black helmet over his head.
“Jeepers!” gasped Wendy.
“You didn’t move over to the dark side, did you?” asked Huck.
“No, Sneezly’s dentist did this to me”, moaned Wally. “He said I needed braces!”
“You’re kidding?!” asked Huck.
“They sure don’t look like braces to me”, said Wendy. “I should know. I had to wear them when I was 12. Mine were only on my teeth and they didn’t cover up my whole head.”
“Really?” gasped Wally. “I think I may have gotten the wrong end of the dental plan.”
“And besides”, said Wendy. “I think only an orthodontist is supposed to put braces on you, not a dentist.”
“Dr. Redguy was worried that Wally’s snout would grow longer and longer, that it might touch the sun and endanger the whole world”, said Sneezly.
“I don’t know if I agree with that, but I certainly don’t want to get blamed if that does happen to the world”, said Wally. “So I guess I’ll have to keep this on for the next 1000 years.”
“A THOUSAND YEARS?!” gasped Huck and Wendy.
“Maybe I’ll real a good book to pass the 1000 years away”, said Wally, “Perhaps War and Peace.”
“Maybe Sneezly is right”, said Huck. “Maybe that dentist is the devil.”
“I’m starting to agree”, said Wendy. “I definitely don’t think an alligator’s snout can grow long enough to touch the sun. Let’s ask the Professor. He might know how long an alligator’s snout is supposed to reach.”
“Okay, but first I want some of those delicious waffles of yours”, said Wally pulling the stack off waffles up to him.
“But can you even eat with that thing on?” asked Sneezly.
“I have my ways”, said Wally taking out a tiny knife and fork and started cutting up a waffle into a tiny microsized piece, then spread a drop of butter, a tiny atom of syrup and pushed it through one of the vents on the mouth of his helmet. “I just have to eat it a particle at a time”, said Wally.
“At least you’re not bolting your food down”, said Huck.
* * * * * *
Soon, they all got tired of waiting for Wally to finish his waffle particle eating breakfast. They had to drag him away form the table and bring him down to Professor Pat Pending’s lab. “But I didn’t even get to lick the syrup from the bottom of the plate!” whined Wally.
“Hmmm”, said the Prof. as he studied the black helmet that covered the alligator’s head. “This is quite a questionable piece of orthodontic work. I definitely don’t think a tooth care specialist would allow such a major prescription.”
“So are you saying that the dentist who did this to Wally is a quack?” asked Huck.
“If the webbed shoe fits”, said the Prof.
“Professor”, asked Wendy. “Is it really possible for an alligator’s snout to grow so long that it might reach outer space and touch the sun?”
“Of course not”, laughed the Prof. “The sun is 93 million miles from the Earth and an alligator’s snouts can’t possibly grow that long. In fact, no snouts on Earth can reach that far.”
“Does that mean I don’t have to wear this painful headgear?” asked Wally.
“Of course not”, smiled the Prof. “As a sophisticated professor of science, I hear by release you from the orthodontic prescription you were forced upon.”
“Say what?” asked Wally scratching his helmet.
“He means you’re allowed to get rid of that helmet”, said Wendy.
“Oh, rapture!” said Wally happily. “But that might be a problem, dontchaknow? There’s a time lock on this headgear and it won’t come off until it reaches 1000 years.”
“Perhaps I have something in my invention box that might help”, said the Prof. as he started searching through a huge box in the corner. “Ah, here it is”, said the Prof., taking out a simple looking object.
“It looks like a pizza cutter”, said Sneezly.
“Not just a pizza cutter, my boy”, smiled the Prof. “This is the world’s sharpest pizza cutter. I designed it to cut the pan along with the pan pizza inside it.”
“Why on this good green Earth would you want to cut pizza pans?” asked Huck.
“So people can enjoy pizza slices fresh out of a slice shaped pan”, smiled the Prof.
“But won’t that ruin a good expensive pan?” asked Sneezly.
“Now that you mention it, you’re right”, said the Prof, scratching his chin. “I’ll have to research this more.”
“Just don’t do any researching on my good cooking pans”, said Wendy. “Or else you’ll need to invent something to protect you from my wrath!”
“All right, fine”, said the Prof. gulping. “Instead of using this cutter to cut pans, I’ll use it to cut Wally free from his headgear.” And he slowly put the cutter to Wally’s helmet.
“Wait a minute, Professor”, said Wally. “Won’t the world’s sharpest pizza cutter cut through my skull and my brain too?”
“Don’t worry, Wally”, said the Prof. “I’m going to cut gently. Just one gentle cut will have that awful metal off your gator face in no time flat. Trust me!” The Prof. started to roll the cutter around the helmet. “That’s odd”, said the Prof. “There’s not a scratch on this helmet. Maybe I’d better cut deeper.”
“CUT DEEPER?!” gasped Wally. The Prof. started to cut even faster and deeper, but with no luck still.
“Why isn’t this working?!” grumbled the Prof. as he started rolling the cutter around like mad causing Wally to sweat inside the helmet causing sweatdrops to drop out of the vents. Huck, Wendy, and Sneezly watched in terror as the inventor was turning into a mad inventor.
“Professor, I think you’d better stop”, said Wendy. “It looks like you’re not getting any progress so far!”
“You’re probably right”, sighed the Prof. as he looked at his cutter. The round blade had been worn down really tiny. The Prof. took a tomato from his labcoat and tried to cut it, but it just caused what was left of the blade to crack. “So much for the world’s sharpest pizza cutter”, sighed the Prof.
“At least all my pans are safe”, said Wendy.
“Now how am I gonna get this thing off of me?” asked Wally.
“Perhaps Dynomutt can help”, said the Prof. “He’s equipped with the most powerful weapons and machinery that I’m even envious of.”
* * * * * *
“In his room, Dynomutt was busy studying all the villain mug shots on his bulletin board. “Fish Face, The Worm, Beast Woman, and of course, Iron Face”, sighed Dyno. “Oh, how I wish for the days I can face you all in battle again.” Just then, he heard a knock on his door. “Entre!” said Dyno as he was studying the poster of the iron faced villain, Iron Face.
“Pardon me, Dyno”, said Wally. “But….” Before Wally could finish his question, Dyno turned around and saw Wally with the metal helmet on.
“IRON FACE!” shouted Dyno. “Who gave you an early parole?! Or did you break out?!” Dyno shot out his extendable arms and wrapped Wally up tight.
“Yes, squeeze me hard!” shouted Wally. “Maybe that’ll pop off this iron mask!”
“Don’t think you can fool me with that fake Wally Gator voice!” shouted Dyno. “And wearing that Wally Gator coat won’t work either!”
“But this is Wally!” said Wendy, trying to pull the misguided bionic dog away from Wally. “And he needs your help!”
“Yeah, help from my rash of justice!” said Dyno.
“Rash of justice?” asked Huck. “Don’t you mean your wrath of justice?”
“Oh yeah!” said Dyno. “Come to think of it, we bionic dogs never ever had a rash before. We can never understand why flesh citizens have a fear of poison ivy.”
* * * * * *
While Dyno was rambling on about the curiosities of rashes, the gang managed to free Wally from Dyno’s grasp. And after explaining for many hours that the guy in the iron mask was Wally, not his arch nemesis Iron Face, Dyno agreed to help.
“This is a very complicated criminal looking thingy”, said Dyno as he injected a magnifying glass from his head and was studying Wally’s headgear. “And it has a time lock too!”
“Which won’t come off until a thousand years!” moaned Wally.
“I think I know what I can use for this dilemma!” smiled Dyno as he opened up his chest door and pulled out a cord and stuck it into one of the vent holes in the mask’s mouth. “Try not to touch the tip of the cord with your tongue”, said Dyno. “The shock might infect your brain cells.”
“GULP!” went Wally.
“What are you doing?!” asked Wendy as Dyno started typing some stuff on the keyboard also located on his chest.
“I remember me and my buddy, Blue Falcon, were in a similar sticky situation like this once”, said Dyno. “And sticky it was! One of our enemies, Chewing-Gum-In-Class Man, had locked us in a bank vault filled with explosive wads of nuclear bubble gum. And the vault had a time lock on it. So I used this trick to tap into the time lock’s computer and speed up the time so the vault would open now.”
“And did you escape?” asked Sneezly.
“Not really”, said Dyno. “The gum exploded the minute we set one foot out of the vault. We were a total mess. But the experience did make me think twice about chewing gum in superhero school.”
“So you think by speeding up the time on Wally’s mask. That will free him?” asked Huck.
“It’s a longshot”, said Dyno. “And I do mean long! Trying to speed up a thousand year time lock might take hours or even days or even months, or years, or centuries, or.. Oh, look. We’re done!”
Everyone gathered around and saw that the time lock had dropped down to zero. “Oh fiddle-dee-dee!” said Wally happily as he placed his hands on the helmet. “Now I can be a free gat.. A free gat… Wait a minute!” Wally tried to pull off the helmet, but couldn’t. “Oh no!” wailed Wally. “It still won’t come off!”
“Dyno, what happened?!” asked Wendy.
“Yeah, I thought your time lock speed up strategy would work”, said Huck.
“I don’t understand it”, said Dyno puzzled. “That steel head should’ve split in two any minute.” Just then, Dyno’s steel head had split in two and both halves clunked onto the floor leaving the bionic dog headless.
“Jeepers!” cried Wendy.
“Dyno, are you okay?” asked Huck as he picked up one head half while Sneezly took the other half.
“Oh, poo!” said the first head half as Dyno took them from Sneezly and Huck. “I must’ve miscalculated.”
“Look on the bright side”, said the second half. “Now we’re half brothers!”
“You’re right?” smiled the first half. “I always wanted a brother!” And the gang watched puzzled as the Dynomutt body was holding the two head halves that were having a conversation with each other.
“Talk about a split personality”, giggled Huck. “Sorry, I couldn’t resist saying it. No matter how decayed it was!”
“Now what’ll I do?!” wailed Wally.
“I think I might have an idea”, said Huck.
* * * * * *
Next, we find the gang outside with Wally chained to a lamppost. There was a hook attached to the helmet and the hook was attached to a chain which was attached to Speed Buggy’s rear end. “Have you got the plan, SB?”
“SPUT, SPUT, SPUT! Sure do, Huck. SPUT, SPUT”, sputtered Speed. “Better repeat it in case someone here doesn’t know. SPUT, SPUT.”
“Okay, here’s my plan”, explained Huck. “You drive away here as fast as you can. Hopefully a powerful car like yourself will have the power to yank off that helmet that’s attached to poor Wally’s head.”
“Are you sure this’ll work?” called out Wally.
“Of course”, said Huck. “It worked when I needed a painful toothache pulled. But the only difference was that it was a swinging door my tooth was tied to. Ready to go Speed….”
“Wait a minute!” shouted Wendy. “A speeding car might be too powerful and it might end up tearing off Wally’s head from his neck.”
“You’re right!” cried Wally. “And they might mount my severed little head on the wall. Get me off this thing!”
Huck, Wendy, and Sneezly managed
to untie Wally from the post and were about to remove the hook from his
helmet. Until a hot red Ferrari came
zooming down the road. “SPUT,
“Oh no! Poor Wally!” cried Wendy.
“It’s a good thing alligator’s have armored skin”, said Huck.
“Let’s hope Speed doesn’t bring him back as a shredded alligator belt”, said Sneezly.
* * * * * *
It was nighttime and Wally was in his bed covered with bandages and the helmet was still on his head. “Will I ever feel the feathery softness of a friendly pillow again?” asked Wally.
“Have faith, Wally”, said Wendy. “We all won’t stop trying until we find a way to free you from that awful headgear. But in the meantime, we’re going to make you as comfortable as you can get.”
“Thanks, Wendy”, said Wally in a queasy voice. “Can I have tonight’s supper please?”
“I have it right here”, said Wendy holding a smoothie in a glass with a straw. “I blended some of tonight’s dinner into a smoothie like you asked me to. But are you sure you want to try this? A chili dog, nacho, carrot, and fudge smoothie is kind of unusual, not to mention gross.”
“Hey, I don’t plan on waiting a thousand years to enjoy my favorite foods!” said Wally. “Straw me please!”
“Okay”, said Wendy as she stuck the straw into one of the helmet’s vents and Wally started slurping. “This is pretty, um, pretty,…” said Wally, but then stopped for his green body was starting to turn a queasy purple. “That was probably a mistake!” groaned Wally while holding his stomach.
“Uh oh!” gasped Wendy as she took out a long tube. She stuck one end of the tube in one of the helmet’s vents and rushed the other end of it to the bathroom.
Sneezly stepped out of his room and saw a tube on the floor that led from Wally’s room to the bathroom and he saw some strange gross stuff flowing through the tube. “Wendy, can I have that tube when you’re finished?” called out Sneezly who started to hold his stomach in sickness.
* * * * * *
Later that night, Wally had managed to get to sleep despite the uncomfortable helmet separating him from his pillow. His pet bugs were buzzing around Wally but looked disappointed. “This is no good”, said a mosquito rubbing his sore stinger. “We can’t bite him with that thing surrounding him.”
“This is sure one way of keeping us on a diet”, said another tick.
Just then, the bugs started to scamper and fly away for something was sprouting out of the helmet’s snout. It started to unfold into a huge satellite dish. Wally was still asleep to notice it. The dish started to extend itself out the window and started sending some weird signals into the night sky. The signals started to go into outer space.
* * * * * *
Millions of light years away, we find a planet made completely of glass. We see a bunch of glass monsters wandering around, working, playing, and beating the shards out of each other. In a glass shaped castle, we see the king of the glass monsters known as Glasstor sitting on his throne while some windshield wipers were wiping his stomach clean. Glasstor looked down at his stomach and saw his reflection. “Ah, your mighty king is looking handsome as usual”, smiled Glasstor with a toothy shardy grin.
“Your royal glassness”, said a skinny glass lacky who had rushed into the throne room.
“What is it, lacky?” groaned Glasstor. “Can’t you see I’m reflecting on myself?
“Forgive me, sire”, said the lacky. “But we’re suddenly receiving these strange signals that are appearing on every screen on this planet. They’re pre-emptying every TV show.”
“Hmm, must be the leader giving the citizens another boring speech”, said Glasstor. “I hate when he does that.”
“But, sire”, said the lacky. “You’re our leader.”
“Always with the details”, sighed Glasstor. “Bring in my television screen slave.”
Soon a short glass monster with a huge square shaped torso entered the throne room. He also had a fuzzy hat with some rabbit ears on his head. Glasstor took out a remote, clicked it, and some TV static appeared on the monster’s torso. “Come on, why won’t a picture show on you?!” grumbled Glasstor as he went over and tried to adjust the rabbit ears.
“Must I wear these bunny ears?” moaned the monster. “They’re so humiliating!”
“Would you rather have cable connected to you?” asked Glasstor taking out a long cable.
“No, not that?” pleaded the monster covering his bottom. “Allow me!” and he twisted his rabbit ears around until a picture finally appeared. It turned out to be Dr. Redguy.
“Hello you dumb lower life forms of this UGLY planet”, said Dr. Redguy with a sinister smile. “If you’re getting this message, I just wanted to take the time off from my busy schedule to tell you that you’re all PATHETIC STINKHEADS!”
“WHAT?!” grumbled Glasstor balling up his glass fists.
“YOU HEARD ME!” shouted Dr. Redguy. “YOU’RE ALL WEAKED KNEED SISSYPANTS and we dare you to attack our planet. That is if you got the guts. Unless you got CHICKEN GUTS! For we’d love to fry them and stuff them down your big mouthed PIE HOLES! HA HA HA HA HA!”
Glasstor started gnashing his teeth with rage causing little shards of glass to fall on the floor. “Where is this offensive broadcast coming from?!” he bellowed. “I’ll wipe out every miserable creature on that planet starting with the person sending that TV signal!”
“PS”, continued Dr. Redguy. “In case your tiny pea brains are wondering, this message is being broadcast from Earth. And if you’re too NIMBLE BRAINED to know the directions! It’s the third circle from that large glowing hot thing you find on Raisin Bran boxes. Oh, and have a nice yellow bellied life! HA HA HA HA!” Then the TV broadcast ended.
“Lacky!” shouted Glasstor, “Prepare our mothership along with the other ships! We’re going to invade this Earth!”
* * * * * *
Back at HB House, Professor Pat Pending was in Dynomutt’s room, welding his split head back together with a blowtorch. “Ah, that’s better”, said Dyno, ejecting a hand mirror from his chest. “I’m back to normal again!”
“If only we can find a way to help poor Wally”, said the Prof. “I’ve never seen such an indestructible piece of headgear before. Nothing we did helped him get it off.”
“Maybe he can learn to live with a metal head”, said Dyno. “I’ve had to since the day I was born.”
“You weren’t really born, you were switched on”, said the Prof. Just then, an alarm went off.
“What’s that?!” gasped Dyno, jumping to his feet.
“It’s my new hostile alien detector!” said the Prof. looking at his wrist watch. “I invented it just in case this house gets invaded by visitors from outer space.” Dyno looked at the Professor funny.
“Hey, I had a lot of spare time that day!” said the Prof. “And I was feeling depressed too!”
“Hey, if hostile aliens are invading”, said Dyno. “That means there’s finally crime for me to fight! Dynomutt, Dog Wonder to the Resuce!” Dyno rushed out of his room and into the hallway while the Prof. followed after him. The alarm from the Professor’s wrist watch caused Huck, Wendy, and Sneezly to come out of their rooms as well.
“What’s going on?” yawned Wendy dressed in a pink robe.
“Is there a fire?” asked Huck dressed in a white nightgown and nightcap.
“No, not a fire!” cried Sneezly in his red long underwear. “We arctic folk aren’t used to things like that!”
“Relax everyone”, said the Prof. “It’s just some hostile aliens who’re probably going to blow up our home.”
“So go back to bed everyone and relax while the Dog Wonder handles everything”, said Dyno as he and the Professor headed for the stairs that led to the roof.
“Oh, okay. Good night”, yawned Huck as he, Wendy, and Sneezly went back to their rooms. “HOSTILE ALIENS WHO’RE PROBABLY GOING TO BLOW UP OUR HOME?!” shouted all three as they reopened their doors and looked at each other going from sleepy to shocked.
* * * * * *
Huck, Wendy, and Sneezly had rushed up to the roof and saw the Dyno and the Professor standing there waiting. “Just what is all this about hostile aliens?” demanded Wendy.
“According to my hostile alien detector”, said the Prof. “They should be arriving here any minute.”
“Let’s hope that minute is somewhere around the way WAY future”, said Sneezly.
“Nope, it looks like this minute”, said the Prof. as he pointed to the sky. They all looked up and saw a bunch of spaceships that looked like a bunch of flying cups and saucers made of glass and one huge saucer in the middle.
“That big ship must be the mothership”, said the Prof.
“And those little ships must be the fathership, uncleship, auntship, and even the first-cousin-twice-removed ship!” said Huck. “Hee hee! Sorry, I couldn’t resist.”
“Hide behind the chimney everyone!” shouted Wendy.
“But I want to stop them from invading!” whined Dyno.
“Let’s just hide for now and see what their intentions are first!” said Wendy.
“Oh, all right”, said Dyno as he hid behind the chimney with the others. “That’s just like something good old BF would tell me.”
* * * * * *
Inside the huge saucer was Glasstor sitting on his throne while his glass soldiers were operating the ship. “Lacky!” said Glasstor, “Are you sure this is where those offensive signals were coming from?”
“Yes, your sharpness!” said the lacky. “And according to our tracking system, the signal is coming through that open window in this Earth dwelling.”
“Activate the teleportation beam!” said Glasstor. “We will bring whoever sent that message and ask him a few questions and I expect answers or this Earthling will answer to my shards!”
* * * * * *
Suddenly, a huge yellow beam shot from the bottom of the huge spaceship and it hit the open window. Suddenly, Wally was dragged out of the window and was slowly floating to the spaceship.
“Oh no!” cried Sneezly. “They’re taking Wally!”
“He must be terrified!” cried Wendy. But Wally was just floating there calmly while still snoring through his helmet.
“Let’s hope that helmet is part space helmet”, said Huck.
“I had enough of waiting!” shouted Dyno. “Wally needs a hero right now!” Dyno ejected his extendable arm, snagged Wally’s tail, and got lifted up along with the gator.
“Now we’re about to lose two friends!” shouted Wendy.
“Not if I bring them down with my patented magnet pistol”, said the Prof. as he pulled out a small pistol with a giant magnet attached to it. Some magnetic waves shaped like hands reached out and snagged Dyno’s steel body, but the result was that the poor Professor got pulled up as well. “I guess I should’ve made this magnet stronger”, said the Prof. studying his magnet pistol while still getting raised up.
“Let’s pull them down!” shouted Huck as he and the others grabbed the Professor’s legs, but they all got dragged up as well.
“Why didn’t we see this coming?!” wailed Sneezly who was holding onto Huck’s tail.
“And I’m supposed to be the sensible one in this house!” shouted Wendy as she watched her house move far away as the six Earthlings got pulled into an open hatch on the bottom of the huge spaceship and closed up.
* * * * * *
Wally suddenly woke up and saw everything in darkness. “OH NO! I’M BLIND!” cried Wally getting up in a panic. “Oh wait! I forgot! I still have this dumb helmet on my head!” And he opened up the door that covered his eyes. He saw Huck, Wendy, Sneezly, Dyno, and the Professor sitting in front of him looking frightened.
“Morning everyone!” said Wally as he looked around. He suddenly discovered that he wasn’t in his room, but they were all in a huge dome completely made of glass. “Wow, Huck”, said Wally. “When you said you were planning on installing new windows in the house the other day, I think you went a little overboard.”
“We’re not in our house”, said Huck.
“We’re in an alien spaceship”, said Sneezly nervously.
“Well if that’s all”, said Wally. “WHAT, A SPACESHIP?!”
“A beam from the spaceship suddenly pulled you out of your room and into this ship”, said Wendy. “And we suddenly came along for the ride.”
“And this is quite an amazing vessel”, said the Prof., taking out a microscope and studying the floor. “It seems to be made of completely out of glass.”
“I don’t care if it’s made out of grass!” shouted Dyno. “As a hero of the planet Earth, I demand that our captors show themselves so I can give them swift justice!”
Suddenly, some trumpets blew, a huge door slid open, and two giant men made of glass stepped out.
“Even the crew seems to be made of glass”, said the Prof. “How fascinating!”
“People made of glass?” asked Huck. “Wait, does that mean they might cut themselves if they touch skin?”
“I hope so”, said Sneezly nervously. “I don’t want them touching or even hurting me!”
“Attention lowly Earth scum”, said one of the glass guards. “All of you bow down to the mighty Glasstor, king of the glass people!” Suddenly, two more glass monsters came in carrying a throne that had Glasstor sitting on it with his lacky following behind him.
“I am Glasstor, scourge of the Space Ghost Galaxy”, said the mighty Glasstor as he rose from his throne. He studied the six Earthlings. “These are what Earthlings look like?” demanded Glasstor. “These puny vermin don’t even look like they’re worthy of invading!”
“Hey, there!” shouted Dyno. “We are not vermin and we’re very much worthy of getting invaded!”
“Dyno, don’t encourage them!” said Wendy.
“And I’ll teach you not to badmouth us noble Earth citizens!” shouted Dyno as he ejected a bunch of bazookas, crossbows, and other weapons from his body. Just then, a huge glass box rose from the floor and sealed Dyno in it. “Hey, what’s going on here?!” demanded Dyno. “I’m not a mime to be put in a see through box!” He tried to blast away his glass prison, but couldn’t.
“Lacky”, asked Glasstor. “Did those offensive broadcasts come from this robotic beast? The lacky slowly approached the trapped Dyno and aimed some kind of remote at him.
“No, your crystalness”, said the lacky. “He wasn’t the one sending those signals. Wait a minute, my detector is pointing somewhere else. Those TV signals came from this creature with the green scaly skin and black helmet.”
“Eyeww!” groaned Wally. “I wouldn’t want to meet that kind of gross monster! Where is this monster with green scaly skin and a black helmet? I don’t see him around.”
“I think he means you, Wal”, said Huck.
“Uh oh!” gasped Wally, trying to pull his helmet off but with still no luck.
“So it was you who sent those insulting broadcasts challenging us to invade your planet!” shouted Glasstor, picking up Wally by the tail.
“Insulting broadcasts?” asked Wally. “But I’ve never done such a thing in my life! I don’t even know how to operate a digital cable remote control! All those zillion buttons are confusing, dontchaknow!”
“You pathetic creature!” shouted Glasstor. “Our digital cable remotes have exactly a zillion and one buttons and we’ve been mastering them ever since we were little baby shards!”
“Really, that’s so interesting!” said Wally. “Say, do you get the Boomerang netw…”
“SILENCE!” shouted Glasstor. “Don’t think you can hide your war-like intentions underneath that innocent simpleton talk! That mask you’re wearing symbolizes the darkness in your soul!”
“But the mask wasn’t his idea!” called out Wendy. “Our Wally would never say anything offensive to anyone! He might perform offensive things at the dinner table or in the bathroom, but….”
“ENOUGH!” shouted Glasstor as he pushed a button on his throne and another glass box rose up and sealed up the rest of our heroes.
“What are you doing to my friends?!” shouted Wally.
“Don’t worry, my friend”, said Glasstor. “I’m just keeping them safe for now while we do our battle.”
“B-B-BATTLE?!” gasped Wally shaking his knees.
“Yes”, said Glasstor snickering wickedly. “If you think you’re so brave and arrogant to challenge the mighty Glasstor, I accept your challenge. A fight to the death!”
“But I don’t want to fight you to the death!” cried Wally. “Dying might hurt!”
“Perhaps you might be fortunate enough to win”, said Glasstor.
“You think so?” asked Wally with hope.
“Not a chance, fool!” laughed Glasstor. “Once this battle is over, you’ll be cut into little pieces!”
“GULP!” went Wally. “Does that mean I’ll get cremated and put in a little vase on your mantle?”
“And that’s not all!” continued Glasstor. “Once you have lost, me and my army will destroy your precious Earth and take your friends back with us to work in the glass mines for all eternity!”
“I hope they have good dental plans”, said Huck nervously.
“As long as Dr. Redguy doesn’t work for them”, said Sneezly.
“Let the battle begin!” said the lacky as he handed Glasstor a huge mace with sharp points.
“Can’t we just play tiddlywinks instead?” asked Wally while sweating in his helmet.
“GRAAAH!” shouted Glasstor as he slammed his mace on the ground causing Wally to jump back.
“Okay, how about something more manly like chess?” asked Wally. Glasstor continued to chase Wally around the glass arena slamming his mace causing pretty crack formations to appear on the ground.
“Poor Wally!” cried Wendy pounding on the glass. “We’ve got to get out of here and save him!”
“I’m doing the best I can!” said Dyno still trying to blast away at his personal glass box until he ran out of ammo.
“Don’t waste your battery, Dynomutt”, said the Prof., studying the glass prison with a microscope. “This containment unit is made from some kind of strong alien substance. I fear nothing in the universe is strong enough to penetrate it.”
“I know once force that’s strong enough”, said Wendy.
“You mean Super-oops! I almost forgot”, said Huck not wanting to bring up Wendy’s Superfriends past.
“And we have that force right here”, smiled Wendy taking out a little pack of pepper.
“Oh no! Not that!” cried Sneezly, trying to cover up his nose. “Those supersonic sneezes of mine are so painful.”
“I know they are, Sneezly”, said Wendy. “But it might be the only thing that can break this glass prison.”
“But what if it doesn’t?” asked Sneezly. “We’d all be trapped in here along with a ton of germy snot.”
“But we have to try”, said Wendy, “For our sakes and most of all, for poor Wally’s!”
“Yeah, Sneezly”, said Huck. “Wally went with you to the dentist so you’d feel secure. And the results were that you came out okay, but poor Wally has to wear that not so cozy headgear which is probably slowing him down in that huge fight to the death.”
“Wally!” cried Sneezly as he saw the poor frightened gator running around trying to avoid the hits of the huge glass monster chasing after him. Sneezly rubbed his nose, made a determined face, and turned to Wendy. “Pepper me!” he said in a manly voice. Wendy complied and ripped open the pack and sprinkled the pepper onto Sneezly’s nose. “AH, AHHHH!” said Sneezly as he was facing the gang.
“Quick, face him the other way!” shouted the Prof. as they turned Sneezly to the glass wall in the direction of Dyno’s glass box.
“CHOOOOO!” shouted Sneezly. And sure enough, the glass prison broke freeing our heroes along with sending some sharp shards at Dyno’s box freeing him as well.
“Yes, we’re free!” said Dyno. “My superpowers have saved us again!”
“Dynomutt”, said Wendy. “It was Sneezly who helped free us. Not you.”
“You really don’t like us superheroes anymore, do you?” said Dyno.
“I need some superheroing please!” shouted Wally sliding over to our freed friends. They watched as Glasstor was charging over to them with his huge mace.
Sneezly saw a glass shard shaped like a smooth ball and handed it to Wally. “Here, Wal”, said Sneezly, “Remember what happened in the story of David and Goliath?”
“Which story?” asked Wally, “The one where that kid brags about his talking dog and his little friends think he’s crazy?”
“I think Sneezly means the Bible story”, said Wendy. “Where David hurls a small stone at the evil giant destroying him.”
“If you think that’ll work”, said Wally trying to rev up his pitching arm. “The wind up and the pitch…!” Wally threw the glass ball as hard as he could as Glasstor suddenly stopped in curiosity. The ball did hit the mighty Glasstor in the forehead.
“Nice shot, slugger!” said Huck.
But unfortunately, the ball ended up bouncing off Glasstor’s head and it hit Wally on his metal forehead causing him to faint.
“OH NO!” cried our heroes!
“Fool!” laughed Glasstor. “Do you think a mere glass ball can defeat me, the mighty Glasstor?! He had what was coming to him!”
Just then, Wally’s helmet started to crack open. The helmet halves split apart and Wally’s gator face was finally exposed.
“Hey, I’m free!” said Wally feeling his gator snout and scales. “Oh, fiddle dee dee and hurrah hurrah! That awful helmet is off of me at last!”
“I’m real happy for you, Wal”, said Huck. “But I’d think you rather wish that helmet was on you right now. For that not so nice glass man now gets to hurt your head.”
“Oh yeah, that’s right!” gasped Wally who was about to reach for the helmet pieces.
“Wait Wally, look!” said Wendy pointing to Glasstor. The big glass giant looked at Wally in shock and silence as well as the other glass monsters.
“It’s you!” gasped Glasstor, putting his mace down.
“It’s me?” asked Wally nervously.
“You’re one of them!” gasped Glasstor.
“One of us?” asked Wally.
“You’re a Reptilac!” gasped Glasstor.
“A Reptilac?!” asked our heroes.
“Yes, a Reptilac from the planet, Reptilacki”, said Glasstor, getting on his knees. “One of the most noblest creatures in the galaxy. You’re race has saved our humble race many eons ago! TV SLAVE!”
The same TV glass monster came in and Glasstor aimed his remote at the monster’s torso. There it showed a colony of glass monsters minding their own business until a swarm of giant bugs invaded their planet. They started swooping down, splattering themselves all over the glass monsters’ shiny bodies leaving horrible stains that could never get washed off. They had to live like that on for an eon or two, until some spaceships landed on their planet. And out came the Reptilacs. Green skinned aliens that had huge snouts. They offered the glass monsters some window spray and windshield wiper harnesses to help them get cleaned up for an expensive price. Soon, all the glass monsters were shiny clean again and thanked the Reptilacs who flew off in their spaceships with the glass monsters’ most valuable possessions.
“Those wonderful Reptilacs removed our insectoidian stains and made us clean and shiny again”, said Glasstor as he shed a tear that plopped to the floor like a hard crystal. “And since that day, we glass citizens swore we’d honor and respect any Reptilac we meet. Including you, oh noble and green big snouted Reptilac.”
“Thanks”, said Wally. “But to tell you the truth, I’m not really a Reptilac.”
“Come again?” asked Glasstor picking his ear. “I didn’t hear that last part.”
“I’m actually an Earth alliga…”, said Wally, but Wendy quickly closed his mouth.
“He means, he’s honored to be in your gracious glass presence”, said Wendy. “Don’t you, you noble and want to get out of this alive, Reptilac?”
“Oh, yes I do, dontchaknow”, said Wally now understanding.
“But there’s still one thing I don’t understand”, said Glasstor. “Why did you send those offensive broadcasts daring us to attack this Earth?”
“I told you, I don’t know anything about any broadcasts”, said Wally.
“Wait a minute”, said the Prof., studying the split helmet. “There’s some kind of hidden device tucked in this headgear.” The Prof. clicked onto something and out popped a huge satellite that aimed itself at the TV slave. There, they all saw Dr. Redguy making those same threats.
“That’s that crazy dentist who fitted me with that crazy headgear!” shouted Wally.
“Jeepers!” gasped Wendy. “He really does look like a devil!”
“See, I told you so!”, said Sneezly.
“I guess you were right”, said Huck. “They’re giving jobs to all sorts of unusual people these days.”
“You mean the ultimate form in injustice has caused all this chaos?” demanded Dyno. “Where is he? I’ll see that he gets life!”
“Yes, I would like to inflict punishment on this ruby colored loudmouth myself”, said Glasstor. “Tell me, noble Reptilac. Where can I locate this unsavory dentist who imprisoned you in that beastly helmet?”
“It’s a good thing I remembered the address”, said Wally now smiling a big gator smile of revenge.
* * * * * *
Back at his office, Dr. Redguy was working on another poor guy strapped to the chair with all sorts of hooks and clamps in his mouth. “I’m sorry sir”, said Dr. Redguy. “But that’s a really bad cavity in your precious tooth. I’m afraid that will have to come out.”
“My tooth!” asked the guy in a muffled voice.
“Don’t be silly”, laughed Dr. Redguy. “I meant YOUR ENTIRE SKULL! HA HA HA HA!” And he took out a chainsaw, causing the guy to close his eyes in fear. As he slightly opened one eye, he saw Redguy sawing off a long toenail from his foot. “There we go”, said Dr. Redguy. “I can’t perform mouth surgery with an ingrown toenail”, said Redguy. “It would make my pain performing painful!”
Then he threw away his chainsaw and took out a plunger. “Now to remove that mean old cavity causing skull from your FAT head!” said Redguy while cackling like a wild devil. Just then, a yellow beam zapped Redguy causing him to get pulled out the window. “HEY, WHAT GIVES?!” shouted the dentist as he was getting rolled around in the teleportation beam. “Dental school never covered anything like this! I guess it was because I never went to dental school!” The guy in the chair just sighed of relief and then said, “OW”, from his painful toothache that never got fixed.
* * * * * *
Dr. Redguy suddenly found himself inside a huge glass arena. “Have I died and gone to Heaven?” he asked. “I would never expect that to happen to someone like me!” Then he turned around and saw Wally. “You have your headgear off!” gasped Redguy. “Has a thousand years already passed?! It went by so quickly! CURSE THAT METRIC SYSTEM! They finally approved of it!”
“So that’s the dentist that’s been giving Sneelzy these anxieties”, said Huck.
“And he’s not wearing pants!” gasped Wendy turning away from his bare red butt. “That beam must’ve dragged him out of his bedroom while he was getting dressed!”
“Actually, he wasn’t wearing pants when he fixed my teeth”, said Wally.
“You’re kidding?!” asked Wendy, horrified.
“You know the law of Yabbadabbaville states that some citizens are allowed go around pantsless”, said Dyno.
“For the animal citizens, yes”, said Wendy. “But this is a pantsless person! At least I think he’s a person.”
Then, Redguy found himself getting picked up by the horns and looking into the shiny face of Glasstor. “Hello there!” said Redguy in a sweet, but nervous voice. “Nice shine. What brand of paste do you use, WINDEX?!”
“Answer me this you disgusting red boil!” shouted Glasstor as he shoved Redguy’s face to the TV slave’s screen. “Were you the one responsible for this broadcast?!” And Redguy saw himself on the screen insulting his mouth off.
“My broadcast!” gasped Redguy smiling with delight. “So it did reach out to a hostile alien race! I couldn’t be happier!”
“But that broadcast of yours almost got the entire planet Earth destroyed!” said Wendy.
“I didn’t want the Earth destroyed”, said Redguy, sadly, “Just all the jerks on the planet with IMPERFECT TEETH!”
“WHAT?!!” shouted everyone.
“Try to see my side of all this!” said Redguy crying. “You see, in all my dental career, I’ve seen teeth that weren’t perfect! Either crooked or gone unflossed or covered with the plague!”
“Don’t you mean covered with plaque?” asked Huck.
“No, the plague”, said Redguy smiling. “I’ve been a dentist for many MANY years! As I was saying, I couldn’t stand looking at any more imperfect teeth! So I devised a plan. What if I get some hostile alien race to wipe out every living thing on Earth? That way I wouldn’t have to look at any more ugly teeth!”
“You’re crazy!” shouted Wendy. “That’s the most ridiculous reason I’ve ever heard to wipe out an entire planet, because of imperfect teeth!”
“Actually, I have heard reasons even more ridiculous than that”, said Dyno. “One time, one of my arch enemies was sick of a world with rubber chickens so…”
“AS I WAS SAYING!!” shouted Redguy. “So I built me a special headgear that would broadcast a threatening message to a hostile alien race. But I couldn’t find a patient whose head would fit that large gear. Until one day, I found this TREE FROG’S long snout.”
“Tree frog?!” asked the HB gang looking at Wally.
“It’s a long story”, grumbled Wally.
“I equipped his ABOMINATION of a mouth with my special gear. And when the time was right, it would send a signal to a kind hearted DESTRUCTIVE alien race that would be so generous to destroy this world of people with imperfect teeth! Can’t you all see the service I’m doing for the Earth?!”
“You mean you only used me as a tool to destroy the world?!” gasped Wally.
“You’re insane!” shouted Wendy.
“I’ll second that”, said Huck.
“And I’ll third it!” said Dyno and Sneezly together.
“And I’ll infinity it!” said the Prof.
“Such wonderful praises!” said Redguy happily as he tried to dance around, but then remembered he was still being held by the horns by Glasstor.
“Let me get this straight”, bellowed Glasstor. “You insulted and mocked the great Glass Empire causing us to waste our time and ships’ fuel and I almost ended up destroying a noble creature like that Reptilac over there just so you can have something foolish like a world with no bad teeth?!”
“You make it all sound like my idea was evil”, said Redguy.
“I ought to send you back to the Glass planet to have you toil in the glass mines for all eternity!” shouted Glasstor.
“Ooooh, a new career!” smiled Redguy. “Does your eternity job have a good retirement?”
“Not so fast!” shouted a woman’s voice. Suddenly, some magic dust appeared and in poofed a lady with red curly hair and fairy wings. She was wearing a white dental coat with a silver crown and was holding a wand with a tooth on it.
“THE TOOTHFAIRY!” gasped Redguy smiling.
“There really is a toothfairy?!” gasped the Prof. as he took out a spyglass and tried to study her from a distance.
“Thank heck, I mean, heavens you’ve come!” sighed Redguy of relief, “You can save me from this glass buffoon!”
“Zip it, you defective dentist!” shouted the Toothfairy. “I’m not here to save your sorry bare behind! I’m here to report all the misdeeds you’ve done in your dental career!”
“MISDEEDS?!!!” gasped Redguy. “I’m appalled! What exactly have I done wrong to sensitive people’s teeth?”
“I got a little list”, said the Toothfairy taking out a list that rolled down to the floor and almost covered it. “Yanking out teeth that are perfectly healthy, drilling in the wrong parts like bellybuttons, putting braces on people’s unmentiona…”
“I thought you said that was a little list!” shouted Redguy.
“This is my little list!” shouted the Toothfairy. “My big list was too heavy to carry with me! And worst of all, never wearing pants when on duty or even underpants!”
“Hey, I was told that kids found it cool when dentists don’t wear pants!” said Redguy.
“But trying to get every tooth on Earth destroyed was the last straw!” shouted the Toothfairy. “For being a naughty dentist, I hear by sentence you to work in the fluoride mines until you learn how delicate and important teeth are!”
“Wow, you were right Wally”, said Sneezly. “The toothfairy really does do that to mean dentists.”
“I thought I was just making it up!” said Wally, scratching his head.
“But you can’t do that to me!” pleaded Redguy. “This Glassman wants me to work in his glass mines for all eternity! You don’t want to let him down, do you?”
“On second thought”, said Glasstor. “Go ahead and take him noble Earth enchantress! If we brought this beast back to our planet, his ugly reflection might cause my simpler subjects to crack.” And he dropped Redguy onto the floor.
“Thank you, Glasstor”, smiled the Toothfairy. “You’ll find a quarter under your pillow for your cooperation. And as for you former Doctor Redguy, as an added punishment, I also sentence you to wear some metal gear!”
“NOT ON MY MOUTH?!” cried Redguy.
“No, you’re not getting off that easy”, said the fairy as she waved her wand and zapped Redguy’s butt. Suddenly some huge black metal pants clamped onto Redguy’s bottom half. “This isn’t headgear. It’s butt-gear! And it won’t come off until that timer reaches zero, which’ll be for a thousand years!”
“
“You can’t do this to me!” cried Redguy, trying to pull off the metal pants, but couldn’t. “All I did was try to destroy all of the creatures of the Earth! And I only TRIED, not succeeded!”
“Let’s go!” shouted the Toothfairy, “The fluoride mines are calling you!” And she waved her wand and caused Redguy to float in the air. Then she turned to our heroes. “Remember my dear children”, she smiled. “Brush your teeth after every meal, floss once a day, and you won’t feel MY WRATH!” and her sweet smile turned into a monstrous face causing our heroes to quiver. Then she turned back into her sweet self. “Good day!” then she and Redguy poofed out of sight.
“I think we’d better do what she says, dontchaknow?”, said Wally trying to polish his teeth. Just then, Glasstor slowly approached the nervous Wally and his friends.
“Noble Wally the Reptilac”, said Glasstor while kneeling down. “I hope you can find it in your cold blooded heart to forgive me for trying to destroy you with my destructive glass hands.”
“Uh, no problem, Glassy”, said Wally. “If I can call you that name that is.”
“I wouldn’t”, said Wendy nervously.
“Normally, I would cut your scaly belly open and use your skin as my personal bathmat for calling me that”, said Glasstor, fiercely. “But no. You can go ahead and call me the humiliating name, Glassy, as my punishment. If there is anything I can do to make it up to you. Please ask and it shall be done.”
“Hmmm”, said Wally. “How about surrendering your crown to me, becoming my slave, and having all your people thrown into a black hole?”
“WHAAAAT?!” shouted Glasstor with rage.
“WHAAAAT?!” shouted the HB gang hearing those words from their dear friend, Wally.
“HA HA! Just kidding, dontchaknow?” said Wally laughing. “I only want you to send me and my friends back home to Earth right away.”
“Very well”, said Glasstor in a sigh of relief while wiping the sweat off his glass brow with a squeegee. “I can’t believe we have to respect these wise guy Reptilacs!” he grumbled to himself.
* * * * * *
Soon, a beam was aimed at the roof of HB House and our heroes had appeared on top of it. “Hey, we’re home”, said Wendy.
“I guess those glass fellows aren’t such a bad race after all”, said Huck as they watched the spaceships fly off into the morning sky, “Just misunderstood.”
“Still, I don’t like how they put me in a glass box”, grumbled Dyno. “I hate being in that invisible prison. In fact, I think I might rocket up and there and give them a piece of my mind!”
“But you can’t, Dyno”, said Wendy. “Because they locked you in another invisible glass box when they sent us back down. You’re in one right now.”
“OH NO!” cried Dyno as he started to stand in one place and pound the air. “I can’t even feel this one! Somebody get me out of here!”
“That should keep Dynomutt from going up there and ticking off those aliens once again”, said Wendy winking.
“How do you feel, Wal?” asked Huck. “Aren’t you glad that you’re finally free from that painful headgear?”
“Yeah”, said Wally. “But right now, I have other things on my mind. Like maybe I’m not really an Earth alligator. But maybe I’m actually a long lost Reptilac who got sent to Earth as an egg.”
“It might be a possibility”, said the Prof. “I’ll have to do some more research on that.”
“I’m just glad I don’t have to see you wear that awful helmet anymore”, said Sneezly. “Now I can live guilt free and OWWW!”
“What’s wrong, Sneezly?” asked Wally.
“It’s my tooth!” wailed Sneezly. “It’s hurting! OW!”
“Let’s take a look”, said the Prof. as he took out a dental mirror. “It looks like a microscopic piece of glass few into your tooth when your sneeze shattered our glass prison.”
“It looks like you need to go to the dentist, Sneezly”, said Huck.
“OH NO!” wailed Sneezly, “NOT AGAIN?!”
“But we definitely can’t send him to any dentist after what happened yesterday”, said Wendy. “We need to find a trustworthy, professional dentist.”
“I can just live with the toothache”, said Sneezly, “Just like we have to live with talk shows and reality shows, OWWW!”
“Let me fix his tooth”, said the Prof.
“Are you a professional dentist, Professor?” asked Huck.
“I don’t really like to brag”, said the Prof. “But I happen to have a degree in professional dentistry. Don’t worry, Sneezly. I know the right scientific methods and skills of fixing a toothache.”
“I do kind of feel a little relieved”, said Sneezly.
* * * * * *
Later, we see Sneezly chained to the same lamp post Wally was chained to and Sneezly’s tooth was tied to a string with the other end tied to Speed Buggy. “Okay, Speed Buggy”, said the Prof. “You know what to do?”
“SPUT, SPUT!” sure do!” and Speed started revving up his wheels while Sneezly watched nervously.
“Can’t we just try tracking down that Dr. Redguy instead?” asked Sneezly as the traditional closing circle closed up the screen while Speed Buggy’s vrooms were heard.
THE END
Get your own Free Home Page