HB House episode 4

 

By Cullen Pittman

 

Dastardly’s Dwelling

 

Some of the HB House members were all sitting in the living room in front of the TV waiting for a show to start. “Hey Dyno!” called out Yogi. “When’s the pop-typed corn gonna be ready?”

 

“In just a second”, called out Dynomutt who opened up his hinged skull and poured some unpopped kernels into his skull and then some cooking oil and then closed his head lid. “Let’s see”, said Dyno, “3 to 4 minutes should do it.”  And he twisted his nose and you can hear some popping going on in his head.

 

“Doesn’t all that popping in your head rattle your brain?” asked Wendy.

 

“To tell you the truth”, said Dyno. “Sometimes it kind of feels like my brain’s not in there.” Wendy used her x-ray goggles to see into Dyno’s head.  And she saw hundreds of little kernels dancing and popping around.

 

“Why is that one popcorn pink?” asked Wendy. “Oh wait.  That’s just your brain.” She realized for Dyno’s brain was so small that it looked like just another piece of corn dancing around.

 

Then Dyno’s nose made a red glowing beeping sound. “It’s done”, smiled Dyno as he took out a huge paper bucket and coughed out all the popped popcorn.

 

“Gross!” gasped Wendy.

 

“It’d be even grosser if my brain was in here”, said Dyno using his scanning eyes to see if it was all popcorn in the bucket. “Nope, my brain’s safe inside my Dyno-head.”

 

“Ah, the corn is ready”, said Yogi taking the bucket from Dyno. “Thank’s Dyno.”

 

“Hurry Yogi, the show’s starting!” called out Jabberjaw.

 

“Have no fear, the popcorn bear is here”, said Yogi pouncing his huge bear butt on the couch.  The impact caused Sneezly to fly off the couch and hit the ceiling. “Oops, sorry about that, Sneezly”, said Yogi blushing.

 

“It’s all right, Yogi”, said Sneezly as he landed back on the couch.

 

“But why don’t you have a cartoony lump growing out of your head?” asked Yogi.

 

“Special ceiling padding”, said Sneezly, pointing up to the ceiling that was covered with soft fluffy padding.

 

“That’s Prof. Pat Padding’s special ceiling Pending”, said Professor Pat Pending. “No wait, I mean Pad Patting’s ceiling special Pending.  No wait, Pat’s special Professor Padding. No wait…”

 

“The Professor means he put padding on top of our ceilings just in case we somehow get tossed off the couch and hit our heads”, said Sneezly, saving the Prof. from his own tongue twister.

 

“Thank you Sneezly”, said the Prof. panting.

 

“The Prof. had all that padding installed because you keep plopping your huge toosh on the couch, causing the rest of us to fly up and hit our heads”, said Wendy. “Now, what does that tell you?”

 

“Um, we need a stronger couch?” asked Yogi smiling innocently.

 

“Think again”, said Wendy taking the popcorn bucket from Yogi and handing him a celery stick.

 

“This wouldn’t happen if you worked out and became stronger, couch”, grumbled Yogi to the lifeless couch. “Do some armrest lifts at least.”

 

“Pipe down guys, it’s starting!” said Howler as he started clawing his chair and gnawing on it eagerly.

 

“What’s on today?” asked Wendy.

 

“It’s our all time favorite reality show”, said Jabber.

 

“PERIL TV!” said the gang while Wendy looked puzzled.  Then the show started.

 

On the TV screen, it showed a dark hideout and an evil looking man dressed in black and wearing a black eye mask, cape and hat. “Welcome kiddies to Peril TV”, said the man in a Paul Lynde sounding voice. “I am your host, The Hooded Claw.”

 

“BOOOOO!” shouted the HB House gang.

 

“Oh, boo yourselves!” sneered The Claw and then smiled. “And you all know my assistant slash victim, the lovely Penelope Pitstop?” And it showed a pretty lady tied up while sitting on a chair hanging from a huge hook. “Say hello to the nice simple viewers Miss. Pitstop”, said The Claw, “For the last time!”

 

“Hi ya’ll”, said Penelope smiling.

 

“HOORAY!” said the HB gang.

 

“And just what evil shameless rating grabbing peril have you got planned for me this week you fiend?!” Penelope continued with a vicious frown.

 

“Since you asked so politely, I’ll tell you”, cackled The Claw. “This week’s peril is based on the works of one of my all time favorite authors.  Edgar Allan Poe.  If you look below you, there’s a pit.  And above you, there’s a huge wall clock with a moving pendulum that has a knife tied to it.  Every time the pendulum moves, the knife will cut that rope that’s attached to your hook.  Once the rope snaps, you’ll fall into that deep dark pit.”

 

“What are those things in that scary little pit?” asked Penelope staring at all glowing red eyes and beaks popping out from the darkness shouting, “NEVER MORE!”

 

“Why, those are ravenous ravens”, laughed The Claw, “And once my pets get their beaks on you, let’s just say you’ll be never more!  HA HA HA HA!”

 

“You monster!” cried Penelope. “I hope the judge throws the book at you for this!”

 

“Just as long it’s a book written by Mr. Poe, I’ll be happy!” cackled the Claw. “HA HA HA HA HA!  We’ll be right back for the delightful carnage after these messages!  HA HA HA HA!”

 

*      *      *      *      *      *

 

“The Hooded Claw sure has cooked something really despicable for poor Penelope”, said Yogi.

 

“A peril based on the works of a famous author”, said the Prof. “It’s evil, but it might get people into literature.”

 

“I sure hope someone saves poor Penelope in time”, said Jabber.

 

“If there was only a superhero around we can call on”, said Howler searching through his wallet, finding his old superhero card, and throwing it in the trash along with some expired credit cards.

 

“Yeah, but where are you gonna find a superhero around here?” asked Dyno polishing his superhero’s costume, “Especially in a boarding house like this?”

 

Wendy just looked puzzled and disgusted at the werewolf and bionic dog at what they were saying and doing. “But there are some superheroes in this house”, she said.

 

“You can’t mean yourself, Wendy”, laughed Dyno.

 

“Yeah”, said Howler. “No offense, but didn’t you get kicked out of the Superfriends for not having superpowers?”

 

Wendy just made an angry frown and pushed the buttons on the chairs they were both sitting on.  And the two folding chairs closed up on the dog and the wolf.

 

“What’d we say?!” asked Dyno sticking out his extendable head.

 

“I think it was what you said”, said Howler tearing a hole through his chair so he could pop out his head.

 

“Don’t worry guys”, said Yogi. “Penelope always seems to find some way out of these perils.”

 

“Yes”, said The Prof. “I’ve known Penelope since the Wacky Races and she can really be a clever young lady.”

 

“Maybe she’ll use her nail file to cut herself free”, said Sneezly. “Like in all those hundreds of times we’ve seen her tied up.”

 

“Quiet you guys, the commercials are over and the show’s starting again”, said Jabber.  Just as it looked like Penelope was about to fall into the pit, the screen went blank.

 

“So that’s how she escaped”, said Dyno. “She got them to cancel the show.”

 

“No Dynomutt”, said The Prof. “The television had been turned off.”

 

“NOOOO!” shouted Jabber. “I want to see if Penelope escapes!  WOO WOO WOO!”

 

“Is someone sitting on the remote?” asked Sneezly as he looked around.

 

“How about you, Yogi?” asked Howler. “Things always seem to get stuck on your bear butt every time you plop down on that couch.”

 

“Let’s see”, said Yogi as he got up and peeled the stuff that was on his bottom. “There’s a nickel, two dimes, a lintball, a poptop, and OOOH! A hamburger!” smiled Yogi as he bit into the burger that looked really moldy and smelly.

 

“Yogi!” gasped Wendy with disgust. “Do you know how old that hamburger is?”

 

“Not really”, said Yogi. “But they say it’s not nice to ask an old burger’s age.”

 

“We need that remote!” growled Howler tearing up his seat to find it. “Most of us are too lazy to go over to the set and just turn it on!”

 

“I have it right here”, said a voice.  Everyone saw Huckleberry Hound holding the remote in one hand and some papers in the other.

 

“God Bless you Huck!” said Jabber! “Now you can turn back on Peril TV!”

 

“Sorry, but I was the one who turned off the TV in the first place”, said Huck. “There’s something I need to talk to you all about.”

 

“Can’t you do it when it’s not TV time?” begged Howler.

 

“But it seems like EVERY minute in this house is TV time”, said Huck. “You have that set on 24/7.  It’s running up the cable bill!”

 

“Who are you calling, Bill?” asked Jabber. “YUK, YUK, YUK!  A little joke!”

 

“I normally fancy jokes.  Even cornball ones”, said Huck politely. “But I want to be serious here.  I’ve been going through all these bills and they’ve gotten pretty darn high.”

 

“You mean they’re on the high shelf?” asked Dyno. “I’ll just use my extendable arms to…”

 

“I don’t mean that, Dyno”, said Huck showing the papers he had in his hand. “I mean things have gotten really expensive these past few months lately.”

 

“How expensive?” asked the Prof.

 

“Well, I don’t want to mention any names”, said Huck. “So I’ll just give the sad puppy dog eyes to the ones who keep running up these bills.  First of all, there’s the electric bill”, said Huck looking at Dyno. “And there’s the air conditioning bill”, continued Huck looking at Sneezly. “And there’s the water bill”, said Huck looking at Jabber. “That tank of yours takes up a lot of water.”

 

“Hey, that tank’s my water bed!” protested Jabber. “I need it to survive.  Or else, I’d dry up like a stinky fish!”

 

“And I need my room really cold because I come from the North Pole”, said Sneezly.

 

“And I need to recharge my battery every night”, said Dyno. “So I need my electrical juice!”

 

“I realize these things are a necessity for you three”, said Huck. “But I’d also want to mention the ones who have the power to reduce these other bills if they’d only try.  Like our grocery bill!” he said looking at Yogi.

 

“Why are you looking at me?” asked Yogi sweating.

 

“I can answer that, Huck”, said Wendy, “Because of your constant kitchen raids and ordering grocery delivery service behind our backs, Yogi Bear!”

 

“Now why would you accuse this sweet little teddy bear of doing such a thing?” protested Yogi. “I’m hurt!” Just then, a huge crate that said, GROCERIES, crashed through the ceiling and landed on Yogi. “I really am hurt!” he moaned from under the box.

 

“And there’s the once or twice a week fumigation bills after a certain professor does his chemical experiments”, said Huck.

 

“Heh, heh, heh”, said the Prof. blushing as they saw a beaker filled with red stuff in his hand with red smoke coming out of it.  He quickly drank it. “Would you believe it’s just cherry cola?” asked the Prof. as a cherry tree suddenly sprouted out of the top of his bald head. “And isn’t this proof enough?” sighed the Prof. in relief.

 

“And there’s also bills for paying and repairing all the chewed up furniture”, said Huck as he saw Howler chewing on the completely demolished chair. “Hey, this chair was like that when I first moved in”, protested Howler.

 

“But I just brought that chair yesterday”, said Huck.

 

“Why would anyone buy a chewed up chair like this?” asked Howler. “Are you some kind of cheapskate, Huck?”

 

“Stay calm, Huckleberry, don’t lose your Southern night coolness!” said Huck who was turning red with rage, but then calmed himself and turned his normal blue color again. “Anyway, because these bills have gotten so high, I’m afraid I’m going to have to raise everyone’s rent.”

 

“WHAAAT?!!!” gasped everyone.

 

“But I hardly make enough money working at my mild mannered job”, protested Dyno.

 

“And I can’t afford to ask my boss for a raise!” cried Yogi.

 

“You don’t have a boss”, said Wendy, “Or a job.  You’ve just been mooching off of Huck’s good nature.”

 

“No wonder why I never get any office memos in my mailbox”, said Yogi.

 

 “I’m sorry that this all an inconvenience to you all”, said Huck. “But I’m in a bind.  Because of these expenses, I won’t be able to pay for this house!”

 

“But I thought you owned HB House”, said Jabber. “Isn’t that why it’s called Huckleberry’s House?”

 

“Technically, the first national bank holds the deed to my house”, said Huck. “And I’m sort of overdue in paying the lease this month.”

 

“You mean you could lose this house?” asked Sneezly.

 

“Don’t worry, Sneezly”, smiled Huck. “The bank president has given me an extra two weeks to come up with the money.  This is why we need to do something about these bills right away.”

 

“Then in that case, I gotta stop my furniture chewing”, said Howler as he covered his mouth with a dog’s muzzle. “And this is the best way to do it.  No, I can’t”, he said removing the muzzle. “What’s gonna happen if I wear this and Wendy wants to kiss me?”

 

“I insist you wear it”, groaned Wendy as she pushed the muzzle back on Howler, “For all our own goods.  Especially mine!”

 

“Maybe you can keep our rent the way it is if we stop paying for electricity and make our own”, suggested the Prof. as he pulled two hamsters from his lab coat.

 

“Hey, who are they?” asked Wendy.

 

“Meet AC and DC”, said the Prof. proudly. “If my calculations are right, these little pals can run on power wheels and power up our house without the use of the electric company.”

 

“Do you think it can work?” asked Huck.

 

“Possibly”, said the Prof. “I already have a third hamster giving Dynomutt power this very minute.”

 

“Yep, and he’s doing a good job too”, smiled Dyno as he patted the inside of his chest.  But then he started to sniff something.  Dyno stretched out his extendable nose, opened up his chest door, and sniffed inside. “I think your hamster just did a number two inside me.” He said.

 

“Oh yes, I forgot about that little detail”, said the Prof. blushing while the cherries on his now cherry tree head started to bloom with redness.

 

“You know”, said Wendy. “Maybe we can save if we just cancel our cable and just watch good wholesome basic TV.”

 

“And have us live like savages?!” gasped Howler. “Are you mad, woman?!”

 

“We’d be the only house in this town without cable!” cried Jabber. “We’d become laughing stocks!  WOO WOO WOO WOO!”

 

“Sor-ry!” said Wendy sarcastically.

 

“You know guys”, said Huck. “We should be thankful that the bank president is a nice and generous guy.  Who knows what would happen to this house and us too if the deed were in the hands of someone not very nice or even dastardly?”

 

“Did somebody call my name?” called out a sinister sounding voice.  The gang turned their heads in shock and saw that the front door was open and a tall dark shadow and a smaller dog shaped shadow were standing behind a storm while lightning flashed in the background.

 

“Howdy sir”, said Huck. “I don’t mean to be rude.  But it’s kind of rude yourself to just march into somebody’s house without knocking.”

 

“Rude is my middle name!” said the voice as he stepped out of the shadows and showed himself as a skinny mustached man in a blue business suit and wearing what looked like a pilot’s cap.

 

“Dick Dastardly!” gasped Yogi and Huck together while holding each other in fear!

 

“You two fuzzballs remember me”, said Dick. “I’m touched.  And I’m sure you remember this mangy fleabag known as Muttley.”

 

“RARRR!” growled the dog that suddenly bit his master on the butt for that mangy remark.

 

“YEOW!  Sorry Muttley!” cried Dick as he took out a rubber bone causing Muttley to let go of Dick and start chewing on it. “Certain dogs can’t take little insults”, sighed Dick as Muttley snickered while chewing on his bone.

 

“You know this guy?” asked Wendy.

 

“Too well”, sighed Huck. “When Yogi and I were treasure hunters, this villain and his dog were always following us around trying to steal what we found.”

 

“And when we were Fender Bender 500 races!  He always did some cheating-type tricks to all us fair playing racers!” said Yogi.

 

“Yes, I had a lot of fun outwitting you dunces!” said Dick with a happy smile.

 

“And I remember you from my Wacky Races days!” said the Prof. “You did the same cheating tricks to me and my racing comrades!”

 

“Ah, Prof. Pat Pending!” smiled Dick. “I almost had forgotten about you!  By the way, nice hairpiece!  Is fertilizer your hair tonic?!  HEE HEE HEE HAA!”

 

“Oh fiddlesticks!” gasped the Prof. as he remembered the cherry tree was still on his head.  He pushed a button on his watch and out popped a small metal ladder.  Then a little robot George Washington holding an ax started climbing the ladder and chopped down the tree, giving the Prof. his baldness back. “Thank you George!” said the Prof. as he happily watched the GW robot tip his hat and climb back down into the watch and the ladder slide back down while everyone in the room looked puzzled.

 

“Now that that little freak show is over”, said Dick. “All you welcome me, the new owner of this boarding house!”

 

“NEW OWNER?!!” cried the gang at once.

 

“My, this house has a nice echo stereo system”, laughed Dick. “Don’t you agree, Muttley?”

 

“Ruff”, moaned Muttley not interested in Dick’s lame joke.

 

“Excuse me, Mr. Dastardly”, said Wendy. “But this is Huckleberry Hound’s house.  The neon HB on top of the roof says so.”

 

“But this deed in my hand says otherwise”, laughed Dick as he showed them all the deed to HB House.

 

“It’s my deed!” gasped Huck. “But how’d you get it?!  The bank said….”

 

“Very simple”, said Dick. “I’m also the new owner of the first national bank of Yabbadabbaville!”

 

“Someone like Dick Dastardly handling the town’s money?!” gasped Yogi. “What an unpleasant thought!”

 

“Our trusted bank president would never give up his beloved bank and turn over our precious accounts to a complete stranger”, said Huck.

 

“Oh, I had to do some serious big time convincing with him”, snickered Dick.

 

START OF FLASHBACK.

 

We see Dick trying to buy the bank from the president. “Sorry Mr. Dastardly”, said the president. “But there is no way I can turn over my trusted bank to the likes of you.  Not even for all the money in the world.”

 

“How about for this single bill?” smiled Dick holding up a bill with a face the president has hardly seen in years.

 

“Thomas Jefferson?!” gasped the president. “That’s… That’s a 2 dollar bill!  I thought I’d never see another one of these rare beauties again!  Oh, I can’t pass this up.  Congratulations Mr. Dastardly.  This bank is yours!”

 

And Dick and Muttley started smiling wickedly with green teeth covered with dollar signs.

 

END OF FLASHBACK.

 

“And as I studied my new president’s office”, continued Dick. “I came across the deed to this backwater dwelling!  And I discovered you Mr. Hound have missed a down payment on this place.”

 

“But the last president agreed to give me two weeks to come up with the money”, said Huck.

 

“Too bad”, said Dick. “I’m the president of the bank now and I don’t believe in charity!”

 

“Do you believe in the toothfairy?” asked Howler trying to make a joke during this dark time.

 

“But of course”, said Dick. “She keeps her secret quarter stash in my bank!  I even suggested she only give pennies to kids instead of quarters.  HEE HEE HEE HEE!”

 

“You’re a despicable man!” whispered Wendy.

 

“Thank you”, said Dick smiling sweetly. “Now back to business.  Since you deadbeats haven’t paid the lease on this house.  I get to do whatever I want with it!”

 

“You’re not gonna throw us all out in the cold, are you?” asked Jabber.

 

“What’s wrong with the cold?” asked Sneezly the arctic born seal.

 

“I suppose I could let you all stay in my humble new home”, said Dick, “If you don’t mind sharing this house with some future boarders I’m renting rooms to.”

 

“What future boarders?” asked Huck.

 

Then a knock was heard on the door. “Ah, that must be one of them”, smiled Dick. “Muttley, answer the door.”

 

“RARRF!” said Muttley as he went over and tried to reach the doorknob, but was too high up to reach. “Razzin Frazzin Righ Roorknob!” grumbled Muttley trying to hop up to get the knob with no success.

 

“Here, I’ll do it you vertically challenged chump!” grumbled Dick as he kicked Muttley out of the way and opened the door.  And in stepped a familiar looking man dressed in black with a black mask.

 

“THE HOODED CLAW!” gasped the HB gang recognizing the villain from the Peril TV show.

 

“In the dark infested flesh, kiddies”, said The Claw holding some suitcases.

 

“Wow, I’ve always wanted to meet you in person, Mr. Claw”, said Jabber excitedly as he flopped his tail. “Can I please have your autograph?” Jabber asked as he handed a pad and pen to The Claw.

 

“Sure thing, sonny”, smiled The Claw as he started scribbling on the paper.

 

“By the way”, said Jabber. “I never got to see the end of your show today.  Does Penelope make it out okay?”

 

“Unfortunately, yes”, groaned The Claw who was still writing. “Seven little busy bodies in zoot suits busted into my studio and rescued the girl in time.  I really need to hire better goon security.  Well, here you go, Sharky”, said The Claw as he handed the pad back to Jabber.

 

Jabber read it out loud. “If you want me to autograph this dotted line below, sign over your life insurance policy first.” gasped Jabber.

 

“Hey, a celebrity’s autograph like mine isn’t cheap you know”, said The Claw.

 

“Can you at least say your famous, BLAST, line?” asked Jabber.

 

“That can be arranged”, said The Claw. “BLAAAA!  And you’ll get the last two letters if you fork over 50 bucks!”

 

“No respect!” groaned Jabber. “Not even for your biggest fan!  WOO WOO WOO!”

 

“Okay fin face!” said Dick pushing away the shark. “You’ve bothered Mr. Claw too long.  Muttley, show our new boarder to his room.”

 

“RARF!” said Muttley as he took The Claw’s bags and motioned The Claw to follow him upstairs.

 

“And make sure you tip Muttley good”, said Dick. “If you don’t want fang marks on your belongings!”

 

“BLAST!” grumbled The Claw.

 

“He said it!” said Jabber happily! “YUK, YUK, YUK!”

 

“And now you can owe me that 50 bucks”, snickered The Claw as he went up the stairs and disappeared out of sight.

 

“I don’t like the thought of that evil man living in our house”, said Wendy.

 

“That’s nothing!” laughed Dick looking out the window. “Wait till you see the rest of your new housemates!  And here come more of them now!” And he opened the door and in stepped a woman in a cheetah’s costume, a blue faced man wearing a blue Eskimo suit, a man in a scary wetsuit and helmet, and a bald man in tights with circuitry on his bald head.

 

“Jeepers!” gasped Wendy.

 

“I take it you know these four”, said Huck.

 

“My old team knows them too well”, scowled Wendy. “That’s The Cheetah, Captain Cold, Black Manta, and Brainiac, four members of the Legion of Doom!”

 

“That’s right, darling”, said Cheetah.

 

“And we’re renting this place as kind of a summer house”, said Black Manta.

 

“Summer?!” growled Captain Cold. “I hate summer!  I’ll put it on ice!” And he took out a ray gun and started blasting ice beams around causing everyone to duck down while half the furniture became imprisoned in huge ice cubes.

 

“How many times have I gotta tell you?” demanded Brainiac. “Never use the S word in front of Cold!”

 

“This isn’t so bad”, said Sneezly looking around the now winterized house. “It looks like home.”

 

“It’s good to see someone who appreciates the nice ice life”, smiled Cold as he patted Sneezly on the head.

 

“Eyeew!” shivered Sneezly. “His icy touch is even too much for this seal!”

 

“Welcome to my boarding house”, smiled Dick speaking to the four Doom members. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you all from wrecking the house, unless you want to pay extra rent.”

 

“Yes, you’d better be afraid!” growled Manta, “For we’re the Legion of Doom!”

 

“Play your cards right and maybe we might have some bed and breakfast together!” smiled Cheetah as she went over and made circle marks on Dick’s coat with her claw. “ME-OW!”

 

“Oh, you naughty kitty!” smiled Dick as his face turned a hot red.

 

Then another knock was heard and Muttley ran over and opened the door.  In stepped a villain who looked like he was part fish.

 

“FISH FACE!” shouted Dynomutt.

 

“I take it he’s one of your arch enemies?” asked Huck.

 

“You bet your straw hat he is!” shouted Dyno as he pushed the buttons on his chest and out popped a bunch of fishing equipment from different parts of his body.  A fishing line from his tail, twin nets from his sides, and a huge sharp harpoon from his snout.

 

“YARRR!” muttered Jabber in fear. “Remind me not to get on your bad side, Dyno!”

 

“Greetings Dog Blunder”, said Fish Face. “It’s been a while since we’ve last encountered.  Sniff any good bottoms lately?”

 

“Just try me!” growled Dyno. “I’ll harpoon you all the way to the city jail!”

 

“Mr. Dastardly”, said Fish Face. “I thought you promised me that no villain here will get harmed by any superzeroes!”

 

“And that promise will be made”, said Dick as he marched over to Dyno with a sheet of paper. “Read this spear snout!”

 

Dyno ejected his reading glasses from his forehead and started mumbling while reading. “Oh no!” he cried.

 

“Is it that bad?” asked Wendy.

 

“It’s worse!” cried Dyno. “It says here super villains have been declared an endangered species!”

 

“Are you serious?!” gasped Huck.

 

“By order of PETA!” wailed Dyno.

 

“By order of a pocket bread filled with lunch stuff?” asked Yogi. “Take me to it and I’ll eat it.”

 

“No, Yogi”, sighed Wendy. “PETA stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.”

 

“You mean that crazy group who thinks eating meat is evil?!” asked Howler.

 

“Or turning them into clothing is bad?” asked Jabber.

 

“Or keeping animals as pets or making them work for a living is wrong?” asked Sneezly.

 

“Exactly”, laughed Dick. “Since every goody good says that villains are total animals, those mindless PETAs took them serious and declared no one can harm any super villains.  And this house will be a safe haven where innocent super villains can live without getting hassled by any mean old cops and superheroes!”

 

“That’s an outrage!” shouted Dyno as his steel skin turned red hot like an iron.

 

“Cool your circuits, Dyno-dolt!” laughed Fish Face as he took out a fish shaped gun and squirted water at the angry bionic dog cooling him down. “I think I’m gonna like having you for a housemate.  Just as long as you stay off my furniture.  HA HA HA HA!” And Muttley led Fish Face upstairs to his room.

 

“This is the 108^th most humiliating thing in my life!” cried Dyno. “One of my arch enemies is here and I have to be nice to him!”

 

“Calm down, Dyno”, said Wendy. “Maybe he won’t do anything bad while he’s here.”

 

“Yeah, take a chill pill”, said Howler. “You won’t see me getting all steamed if any of my arch enemies suddenly came in here.”

 

And then two more villains came in.  The first was a short man with a face like a toad and a fly man that was hovering in the air. “TOAD AND FLY?!” growled Howler. “What are you two vermin doing here?!”

 

“Hey, look Toad”, said Fly. “It’s our old flea bitten pal, Scowler.”

 

“I thought someone turned him into a rug”, laughed Toad.

 

“That’s Howler!” sneered the angry werewolf as he extended his claws at the two mutants. “And if you try anything funny here, I’ll….”

 

“Bad wolf!  Bad wolf!” said Toad whacking Howler with a fly swatter. “You can’t do anything to us villains while we live in this house!”

 

“Yes”, said Fly, “By the order of PETA.  I’m glad some people out there have soft spots for the common housefly.” And they both followed Muttley upstairs while Howler was busy rubbing his swatted head feeling pretty steamed.

 

“We werewolves prefer the word, rabid!” snarled Howler.

 

Then Dick looked out the window and saw a strange bug like spaceship land outside. “Ah, those must be the newlyweds.”

 

“Newlyweds?!” shouted the good guys.  A door opened and in stepped a huge mantis like alien and he was carrying someone in his arms.  A pale skinned woman with a scary face, dressed in a spider-like dress.

 

“Ah, you must be Zorak and Black Widow”, said Dick. “Scourges of the Space Ghost Galaxy, recently married.”

 

“You bet your backhair, human scum”, scowled Zorak. “Me and my new main squeeze are gonna rock this house like you wouldn’t believe.  Right honey bunch?”

 

“Oh yeah!” said Black Widow as she took out some salt and started sprinkling it on Zorak’s head. “I can’t wait for our big night my man of a mantis!”

 

“You know dear”, said Zorak. “You seem to be sprinkling lots of condiments on my head ever since we got hitched.”

 

“Is that a problem, love?” asked Black Widow.

 

“Not really”, said Zorak licking his snout clean. “At least you’re keeping my taste buds busy!”

 

“And I hope you’ll do the same thing for my taste buds as well”, said Black Widow in a sinister voice.  Then Muttley led the couple upstairs.

 

“Uh oh”, said the Prof. “If that woman is called Black Widow and if he’s a male praying mantis, serious consequences could happen between them!”

 

“You mean like in the birds and the bees?” asked Sneezly.

 

“Kind of”, said the Prof. “Since birds do hunger for insects.”

 

“Eyeew!” gasped Sneezly getting the idea.

 

“And that’s all the villains we have living here for now”, said Dick to our heroes. “Don’t you just love the colorful collection of evil I’ve invited here?”

 

“But what about us non-evil folks?” asked Yogi.

 

“Yes, goody goods in a house for villains can be complex”, said Dick. “Which is why non-villains like yourselves will have to pay extra rent.”

 

“How much rent?” asked Huck.

 

“Oh, let’s see”, said Dick. “How can I put it in words or numbers that wouldn’t be shocking?”

 

“RARF!” said Muttley handing Dick a pad and paper.

 

“Oh, good thinking Muttley”, smiled Dick. “I’ll write it down for you”, and he started scribbling down a number on the pad and handed it to Huck.  Huck looked at it calmly for a minute, and then his straw hat started to twitch in shock.

 

“You expect us to pay this much?” he asked calmly while trying not to lose his cool.

 

“But Huck”, said the Prof. “You were going to raise our rent anyway.”

 

“Just a few bucks higher”, said Huck. “But the rent Dastardly’s gonna be charging us!  Not even Bill Gates can afford this high price!”

 

“Can’t you show us good guys a little respect, Mr. D?” pleaded Jabber.

 

“Oh, I suppose I could let you all stay here”, smiled Dick, “If you all convert to villainy!”

 

“Convert to villainy?!” cried our heroes.

 

“No way!” shouted Howler. “I want to stay a hero to make up for all the crimes my werewolf ancestors caused!”

 

“And I was built and programmed to serve truth, honor, and justice!” said Dyno.

 

“And I may not be a Superfriend anymore”, said Wendy. “But that doesn’t mean I want to join the dark side!”

 

“Hmm, I see”, said Dick. “I suppose I should respect all your beliefs.  But I know another way you all can stay here.”

 

“How?” asked Huck.

 

“You’ll just have to work in this house as my servants”, laughed Dick. “HA HA HA HA!”

 

Muttley snickered along side his master as our heroes felt a dark shadow monster surrounding them.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *

 

That evening, the wholesome little boarding house known as HB House was now a rowdy, noise producing house.  As we look inside, we see all the villains dancing to loud heavy metal music while making a mess of the living room.  Dick Dastardly was now sitting in Huck’s favorite arm chair drinking a soda. “Ah, this is the life”, he said while stretching himself out, and accidentally pouring soda on the nice living room rug.

 

“Oh, silly me”, said Dick. “This’ll have to be taken care of.  Oh, Huckette!” said Dick as he rang a little bell.

 

“Coming Mr. D”, grumbled Huck as he came into the room wearing a maid’s uniform with a matching feather duster and high heels.  And all the male villains started whistling at him. “Do I really have to dress like this?” whined Huck.

 

“Would you rather be tossed out in the street dressed like that?” asked Dick.

 

“Oh, all right”, sighed Huck. “What can I do for you Mr. D?”

 

“I accidentally spilled, no wait, we villains don’t do things by accident!” said Dick. “I purposely spilled soda on this nice carpet.  Be a dear and clean it up, will you?”

 

“That was new carpet I had installed last week!” gasped Huck staring at the grape soda stain.

 

“Which is why you should get it cleaned right now!” snickered Dick.

 

“I’ll go get a bucket of hot soapy water and scrub brush”, sighed Huck as he turned around and stepped on something. “Hey, watch it, will ya’?” called out Yogi’s voice.

 

“Yogi and Boo Boo?” asked Huck as he saw the two bears lying stomach down flat on the floor. “Why are you two lying on the floor like that?  Didn’t Dick give you two jobs?”

 

“The worst kind”, wailed Boo Boo. “He’s made us live bear skin rugs!”

 

“I don’t mind lying around and being lazy”, said Yogi. “But what lands on me is driving me crazy!”

 

“Oops!” called out Dick. “There goes another drink of mine!  MY COFFEE!” And some boiling hot coffee got spilled on Yogi’s bear bottom.

 

“YIPE!” cried Yogi biting his lip in pain. “Save us, Huck!”

 

“Don’t worry Yogi”, said Huck. “I’ll get some extra hot soapy water!”

 

“HOT?!!” cried Yogi looking at his burning butt.

 

“I mean cold!” shouted Huck in a panic. “I’ll be right back!” and he rushed off to the kitchen.

 

“Is there anything I can do, Yogi?” asked Boo Boo concerned.

 

“Pray for snow!” cried Yogi, “On this very spot!”

 

*      *      *      *      *      *

 

Huck, Yogi, and Boo Boo weren’t the only ones suffering in the house.  Goober was about to enjoy a meal in his doggie dish, until Muttley swooped down from the chandelier like a coyote and chomped up the dog chow like a steam shovel.

 

“Hey!” said Goober in dog language. “That was my dinner!  Don’t you have any respect for a fellow K9?”

 

“Heh heh heh heh!” snickered Muttley as he turned around and spanked himself and walked off.

 

“I guess that means no”, sighed Goober. “Oh well.  At least I keep an extra soup bone in my doghouse in case of meal lacks.” And he was about to enter his indoor doghouse until Muttley growled him out.

 

“Hey, that’s my house”, shouted Goober. “It has my name painted over the door, even!” Muttley saw the sign and sprayed a can of paint remover on Goober’s name.  Then took out a black marker and wrote, MUTTLEY’S PAD.  ALL LADY DOGS WELCOME!  AND LADY CATS TOO.  I’M NOT PICKY!”

 

“How disgusting!” cried Goober as he crawled over in the corner all hungry and cold while Muttley was enjoying a soup bone in the house he just evicted poor Goober from.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *

 

“Wh.. What are you going to do with me?” asked Sneezly as the Hooded Claw was stuffing him in a blender.

 

“I just wanted to know if you’d like to be my assistant, little boy” smiled The Claw.

 

“Assistant?” asked Sneezly.

 

“Yeah, kiddo”, said The Claw. “You see, whenever I come up with a new peril for my sweet Penelope, I first like to try it out on a guinea pig.  Or in your case, a guinea seal.  Heh heh heh!”

 

“You’re not gonna turn me into a seal milkshake, are you?” cried Sneezly trying to scoot himself free from the blender.

 

“Oh no, perish the thought!” said The Claw. “The network would give my show a TV MA rating if they saw all that blood and gore getting splattered around.  And I’d lose half my viewing public.  I just plan to see how long you can survive in that cramped kitchen device with no air to breathe at all.” And he slammed the lid on the blender trapping the poor little seal in. “What do you know”, laughed The Claw. “A sealed up seal!  HA HA HA HA!”

 

“At least it beats getting blenderized”, said Sneezly trying to preserve what little oxygen he now had.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *

 

All of the villains were gathered at the dining room table shouting out for food, while Country was playing his guitar and Jabber was playing his drums, both singing an evil sounding sound. “Villains are cool.  Villains rule!  If you’re a goody-good, then die you fool!”

 

“WOO WOO WOO!” cried Jabber as he stopped his singing and drumming. “I can’t sing this mean song.  It’s disrespectful!”

 

“I agree!” moaned Country. “I’m a singer of peace and love.  Not hate and destruction!” and he smashed his guitar on the floor and broke it. “Oops”, said Country blushing. “I guess that scene didn’t fit too well with my words.”

 

“Hey, what happened to the dinner music?” shouted Fish Face. “We were getting into that!”

 

“Oh, don’t worry my gruesome guests”, said Dick. “We have a backup musician”, and he made a whistle.

 

“I can’t believe I’m doing this”, grumbled Dyno as he entered the room converted into a neon jukebox with four gloved feet at the bottom.

 

“May I introduce you to Dynomutt, The Disco Dog Wonder!” laughed Dick. “Forced to play music from the past, non stop.  That is if you keep feeding him quarters.”

 

“Cool!” said Fish Face as he eagerly took out a quarter and approached the jukebox. “Say, where’s the coin slot?”

 

“Hey, Dog Blunder!” shouted Dick banging on the box. “Mr. Fish Face asked you a question!”

 

“Oh, all right!” grumbled Dyno as a door opened up in the box’s center and out popped Dyno’s head and opened his mouth.  Fish Face tossed the quarter onto Dyno’s tongue and he swallowed it uncomfortably.

 

“So, tell me former Dog Wonder”, laughed Fish Face. “How does it feel being from a superhero to my jukebox slave?”

 

“Working 9 to 5!  What a way to make a living!” Dyno replied as Dolly Parton’s voice came out of his mouth.

 

“Good evening everyone”, said Wally Gator coming into the room dressed in a white tux. “My name is Wally.  And I was ordered to be the house’s waiter.”

 

“Look guys”, laughed Zorak. “We got ourselves a waiter gator!” and everyone laughed.

 

“Please”, said Wally frowning. “I prefer to be called Wally.”

 

“But the customer is always right”, said Dick. “So we get to call you Waiter Gator!  Come on everyone.”

 

“WAITER GATOR!  WAITER GATOR!” shouted all the villains in mean spirited voices while Wally tried to hold in his tears.

 

“Okay, that’s enough fun everybody”, said Zorak, then he turned to Wally. “I want some Cajun fried cockroaches with plasma dipping sauce.”

 

Wally tried his best to hold in a “YECHH!” then turned to the Black Widow. “And what would you like, madam?” he asked.

 

“Nothing for me, thank you”, said Black Widow.

 

“Gee, honey bunch”, said Zorak. “You’ve said that to every meal we’ve had together.  Don’t you eat at all?”

 

“Oh, I’m just saving my appetite for the greatest meal I’m about to have with you soon”, smiled Black Widow.

 

“Ooooh!  Baby!” said Zorak. “When’s that gonna happen?”

 

“Soon my little gourmet, I mean, groom!” said Black Widow while drooling.

 

“Is that venom coming out of your mouth?” asked Zorak as he saw the yellow stuff dripping onto her empty plate, completely dissolving it.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *

 

Toad and Fly wearing swimsuits approached Dick. “Excuse us Mr. Dastardly”, said Fly. “But you said this house had a swimming pool and we couldn’t find one.”

 

“Yeah”, said Toad. “I’m an amphibian.  And I need my water!”

 

“Oh, that”, smiled Dick. “But don’t worry.  Right now, one of my servants is digging up a pool.” And he opened the door that led to the backyard.

 

“Is that pool ready yet?!” shouted Dick who was yelling at Howler, who was digging a huge hole in the backyard. “You’d better be earning you keep you mangy cur!”

 

“Hey, you think this is easy for me?!” shouted Howler who rose from the hole all covered with dirt. “Besides, I’m a wolf, not a dog!”

 

“Let me handle this”, said Toad. “I know just the motivation to get mangy curs to obey.”

 

“You’re gonna use a choke chain?” smiled Dick.

 

“Nope”, said Toad taking out a flyswatter, “Something less extreme, but effective.” And he approached the tired werewolf and started whacking him on the head. “Bad wolf!  Bad wolf!  Shirking on the job”, shouted Toad. “Keep digging!”

”All right, all right!” shouted Howler as he continued digging. “Just quit hitting me with that.  You don’t know how many bug guts are on that thing!”

 

“I resent that remark!” said Fly in a huff.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *

 

Meanwhile, Wendy was in the kitchen cooking up a storm looking all ragged and greasy. “Wendy, you look terrible”, said Huck coming into the kitchen.

 

“And you look so dainty”, said Wendy sarcastically as she pointed to the maid’s uniform Huck was wearing causing him to blush and pull his skirt down. “I’m sorry I said that, Huck”, said Wendy calming down, “I’m just under a lot of stress.”

 

“I can tell”, said Huck looking at all the disgusting food cooking on the stove. “This isn’t the regular stuff you cook for us.”

 

“It’s purebred villain food!” wailed Wendy, “All unhealthy and disgusting!  Deep fried double grease burgers, cholesterol pot pies, lard on sticks, glasses of melted butter mixed with syrup, and for dessert.  A whole bathtub of sugar!  Can you believe all this?!!”

 

“A bathtub of sugar?!” gasped Huck spotting the most unusual thing in the kitchen.

 

“It’s for that Fly villain”, sighed Wendy.

 

“I get it”, sighed Huck.  And then he saw some frozen TV dinners sitting on the kitchen table. “It looks like you haven’t had time to cook these things”, said Huck. “You want me to help you?”

 

“Oh, I forgot about those”, said Wendy. “Wally, Mr. Cold’s dinner is ready for pick up!”

 

“Coming!” said Wally as he rushed into the kitchen, picked up the 3 frozen dinners and went back into the dining room.

 

“But those are still frozen”, said Huck puzzled.

 

“That’s how his cold heartedness, Captain Cold likes them”, sighed Wendy. “At least he’s easy to cook for.”

 

*      *      *      *      *      *

 

The villains were now seated at the table gobbling up all the unhealthy food like a bunch of savages. “Now this is how my own Legion of Doom should be like”, said Dick proudly as he watched his new villain family while sitting in Huck’s dinner chair.

 

“And the non-cooking’s not bad either”, said Captain Cold crunching into the frozen dinner, foil and all.

 

“A toast to our landlord and an all around handsome jerk!” said Cheetah raising her skull shaped mug.

 

“A toast!” shouted all the other villains.

 

“TOAST?!” growled Captain Cold. “I hate when things are toast!” And he started shooting his ice gun all over the place causing the walls to freeze.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *

 

“Just look what they’re doing to my nice clean wholesome house”, wailed Huck as he and the other good guys watched from the kitchen.

 

“If they keep all this up, this wholesome house’ll be nothing but a big hole”, groaned Jabber.

 

“It will be if they keep me digging that hole in the backyard”, groaned Howler all dirty and panting.

 

“Just look at all that greasy food they’re eating”, wailed Yogi.

 

“I know”, said Wendy. “And I was forced to cook all that toxic!  Isn’t it disgusting?”

 

“You said it”, cried Yogi. “They wouldn’t let me have any of it!  Villains are worse than park-type rangers!”

 

“This is definitely a crime fighter’s worst nightmare!” cried Dyno. “All these villains in one house and I’m powerless to apprehend them!”

 

“They’re all having fun while we good guys are sitting in this empty kitchen starving to death!” moaned Wally.

 

“Say, where’s Sneezly?” asked Country.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *

 

Black Manta turned his head and saw some green liquid in the nearby blender. “Hey, what’s that stuff in that blender over there?” he asked. “Lime sherbet?”

 

“Uh oh”, said The Hooded Claw. “I believe it was that green seal I trapped in there for a peril experiment.  Someone must’ve foolishly turned on the blender.” And he walked over to the goo filled bender. “Sorry kid”, said The Claw as he took off the blender top. “I never meant for you to get diced, just to get suffocated to death.” Just then, Sneezly’s head popped out from the goo. “What, you’re alive?!” The Claw gasped.

 

“Just barely”, said Sneezly in a nasally voice. “I hardly had any room to sneeze non-stop in there”, he said as snot dripped from his nose and plopped into the green goo.

 

“Eyeew!” said The Claw. “Death by mucous!  Hmmm!  I’ll bet dear dainty Penelope will freak at that peril!  Hey kid, can you produce more of that mucous for me?”

 

*      *      *      *      *      *

 

The Professor had entered his laboratory basement only to find Braniac working on some equipment. “Um, excuse me Mr. Braniac”, said the Prof. politely. “But you’re in my private lab.”

 

“Wrong, Mr. Professor lesser”, said Braniac sternly. “This is my lab now.  Dastardly issued it to me!”

 

“This can’t be!” gasped the Prof. “Taking over the rights to a boarding house is one thing, but a professor of science’s lab is totally sacrilegious!”

 

“Hey, these artificial circuits implanted on my embarrassing bald head, gives me the right and the seniority to work on any evil device I want in this lab that’s now owned by me”, smiled Braniac. “So there!”

 

“Wait a minute”, said the Prof. studying what Brainiac was building. “I recognize some of those parts and those electrons, that almost looks like a…”

 

“Oh yes”, interrupted Brainiac. “Just to show you I’m not such a bad guy, I did manage to save one of your inventions.  And I even reprogrammed it.  Oh, Bouncey!”

 

“Bouncey?” gasped Prof. “You mean my robot baby kangaroo?”

 

“Yeah, but I grew him up a little and made him my official bouncer”, laughed Brainiac.  And he pushed a button on a remote and out popped a 7 foot tall robot kangaroo. “Be a good little Joey and bounce the nice but annoying man for me!”  The robot replied and threw the Prof. into its metal pouch, sealed it up, aimed its tail at the open basement door, and shot out the Prof. like a torpedo. “Nice work Bouncey”, said Brainiac.

 

“But I raised you from a tiny Australian circuit”, wailed the Prof. who was lying beat up on the carpet.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *

 

It was now bedtime and our heroes were going to retire to their safe haven rooms after their hard villain full day. “I sure hope a good night sleep will relax us after this awful day”, wailed Boo Boo.

 

“And what would make me sleep, is counting fluffy lambs”, yawned Yogi, “Oh great!  I’m so pooped, I can’t even rhyme right!” as the two entered their room they were shocked to find someone in their room.

 

“The Hooded Claw?!” gasped Yogi and Boo Boo.

 

“You were expecting Paul Lynde?” said The Claw sarcastically as he was lying in Yogi’s bed reading a CRIME magazine.

 

“What are you doing in our room?!” demanded Yogi.

 

“Hey, our beloved landlord said I can have this room”, said The Claw.

 

“But where’ll we sleep?” asked Boo Boo.

 

“By all means, you can have the floor”, said The Claw. “I’ve been wanting to test out my new bear traps for my next show!  I hope you roll into them while you’re sleeping!”

 

Yogi and Boo Boo looked in fear at all the bear traps lying around the floor. “We’ll pass”, said Yogi and Boo Boo as they slowly closed the door that was once theirs.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *

 

Yogi and Boo Boo weren’t the only ones who got kicked out of their own room.  The Prof. tried to type in the combination on his door lock, but the door wouldn’t open. “Hey, why won’t my combination door lock open?” he asked.

 

“Because I programmed it!” called out Brainiac’s voice.

 

“First you take my lab, and now you take my room?!” cried the Prof. “Why in the name of science and reason is this happening?!” Then he started to hear some squeaking from his ex-room. “AC and DC?” asked the Prof. “What are you doing to my two little hamsters?!” he shouted out.

 

“Oh, don’t worry about your little darlings!” called out Brainiac. “I’m going to give them a wonderful career opportunity very soon!”

 

The Prof. quickly took out a pad and pencil and started scribbling all the things he saw Brainiac with today. “Something will definitely look bad once he put all these things together”, he said seriously.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *

 

Wendy went inside her room and found Cheetah clawing the silk curtains on the window. “Stop that!” cried Wendy. “Those curtains have been in my family for centuries!  They once belonged to Marie Antoinette!”

 

“Oh, really”, said Cheetah looking concerned at the now ruined curtains. “Oh my dear girl”, said Cheetah. “All I can say is….”

 

“Yes?” asked a teary Wendy.

 

“Let you eat cake!  HA HA HA HA!” laughed Cheetah as she continued shredding the curtains.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *

 

Wally entered his room and found Zorak and Black Widow sleeping in a huge bed! “YIKES!” cried Wally converting his eyes.

 

“Do you mind?” called out Black Widow. “I’m enjoying a delicious honeymoon night with my Zorak!” And it showed her sprinkling salt on Zorak’s head.

 

“I guess I should be thankful I’m not a slug”, said Zorak licking his salty face.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *

 

Sneezly found Captain Cold now living in his icy room. “Hey kid”, said Cold. “Can you turn up this AC?  It’s not cold enough in here!”

 

“But that’s as cold as it gets in my ex-room”, said Sneezly. “Just like my home in the North Pole!”

 

“The South Pole is much colder!” demanded Cold. “I want it as cold as that!  Or better yet, Pluto!”

 

“Please don’t say that P name”, said Sneezly. “This is a Hanna-Barbera story!”

 

*      *      *      *      *      *

 

Howler opened his door and found Toad living in his room. “Don’t you mutts usually scratch if you want to come in?” grumbled Toad as he was sitting on a bean bag chair bending some DVDs.

 

“Hey, are those my hard to find monster movies on DVD?” gasped Howler seeing all the dented DVDs on the floor.

 

“Don’t really know and don’t really care”, said Toad as he read a DVD label. “Scooby Doo meets the IRS.  I heard this movie was so scary, that it was never released to the public.  This must be an ultra-rare bootleg!”

 

“NO, PLEASE!” cried Howler begging on his knees. “That’s my most favorite movie of all!  I’d be devastated if I never get to watch it again!”

 

“I suppose I can spare its life if you’ll obey my commands”, snickered Toad.

 

“Anything”, gasped Howler.

 

“SIT, BEG, LIE DOWN, ROLL OVER!” laughed Toad as he watched poor Howler roll around on the floor like a dog.

 

“I just hope my old pack doesn’t find out about this”, wailed Howler.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *

 

Country was shocked to find about a million flies inside his room.  He rushed into the attic and came back to the room with a giant flyswatter and a spray can. “You flies have trespassed on a mad cat’s property!” said Country.

 

But the flies made an opening so the Fly villain could approach Country. “This room is now my property, fuzz face!” said Fly. “And these guys are my relatives who are giving me a little housewarming party.  And if you harm one inch of me and my fly-guys, PETA will swat you with a swatter!  Or even worse!”

 

“And I thought autograph hounds were pests”, sighed Country.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *

 

Jabber was about to step into his fishtank bed, until he saw that the water was colored pitch black. “NYAAAH!” gawked Jabber. “Who put black dye in my tank?!”

 

“Oh, that’s my fault”, said Black Manta rising from the blackened water. “It’s a skin condition of mine.  Water always seems to become black and evil every time I step into it.”

 

“This is the ultimate form of no respect!” cried Jabber. “WOO WOO WOO!”

 

“Aw, don’t be like that”, said Manta scooping some water into a glass. “Have a sip of my dark water.  It’ll clear up your sinuses and unclog your arteries.”

 

“Really?” asked Jabber.

 

“And melt every vital organ in your body”, said Manta. “It’s quite good with a squirt of lemon!”

 

“No thanks!” gasped Jabber as he slowly tiptoed out of his ex-room.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *

 

All the good original boarders of HB House were in the hallway complaining to Huck about having their rooms taken away from them.

 

“It’s bad enough Fish Face now owns my room”, protested Dyno. “But you know what I saw him doing with my battery recharger?  Frying fish bait and worms on the top of it.  Now I don’t wanna connect myself to it anymore!”

 

“Sorry fellas”, said Huck. “What can I do?  Mr. Dastardly just threw me out of my room as well.”

 

“Can’t you reason with him, please?” asked Wendy.

 

“Yeah”, said Howler. “If DD expects us to work for our rent, he should at least give us places to sleep for our hard work.”

 

“Okay, I’ll talk to him”, sighed Huck as he went to the door of his ex-room and knocked on it.  Out came Dick dressed in a striped nightgown and nightcap.

 

“What do you want?!” demanded Dick. “I got a busy day of evil schemes tomorrow!”

 

“Excuse me, Mr. Dastardly”, pleaded Huck. “But the good people who served you and your villainous guests today want to know where we’re supposed to sleep tonight?”

 

“Oh, how thoughtless of me”, said Dick pretending to bang his head. “But don’t worry.  I don’t expect goody-good servants to stand all night with no place to sleep.  I know just the place for all of you.”

 

“That’s awfully generous of you”, said Huck smiling.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *

 

“Awfully generous of you is right!” scowled Huck. “This is plain AWFUL!” All of the good guys were now sleeping in sleeping bags inside the cold garage.

 

“I hope you find this garage comfy”, said Dick standing in front of the door. “Now good night, sleep tight, and be sure to leave some skin exposed for the bed bugs to bite!  HA HA HA HA!” and he closed the door while wooden latches slid by keeping the door locked.

 

“He expects us to sleep in this freezing cold garage?” shivered Jabber while chattering his fangs.

 

“Cold?” asked Sneezly. “This feels like Arabia!  I miss my air conditioned room!”

 

“Boo Boo and I have slept in much colder places”, said Yogi.

 

“Like our old cave back in Jellystone Park?” asked Boo Boo.

 

“No”, said Yogi. “Like when we tried to raid Mr. Ranger’s private ice cream vault and got locked in overnight!  It was both Heaven and Heck freezing over at the same time!”

 

“I can’t believe those bad guys expect us to live in this dirty garage like a bunch of wild savages!” groaned Howler as he was scratching his ear with his foot.

 

“Hey, SPUT, SPUT!” called out Speed Buggy. “You’re badmouthing my happy little room.  SPUT, SPUT!”

 

“Oh, sorry Speed Buggy”, said Howler.  They all turned around and found Speed in bad shape.  He had scratches on his paint job and all four of his tires were popped.

 

“Speed, what happened to you?” asked Wendy.

 

“Yeah”, said Country. “You look like you came back from a demolition derby.”

 

“That Cheetah lady was looking for a scratching post, SPUT, SPUT”, stuttered Speed. “When she couldn’t find one, she decided to use me!  SPUT SPUT!”

 

“How horrible!” cried Wendy as she patted the poor buggy’s damaged hood. “My curtains were bad enough, but scratching a good hearted car is unforgivable!”

 

“That tears it!” shouted Dyno as his skin turned red and a whistle popped out of his head blowing off steam. “I can’t sit here any longer and see a fellow machine ruined!  When I’m through with those bad guys, they’ll keep the name bad, because that’s how much I’m gonna hurt them!” And he injected all sort of weapons from his body and he was about to bust down the locked door until Huck got in his way.

 

“You can’t do that, Dyno”, said Huck. “Don’t you remember?  Those super villains are protected by PETA.  If you harm one hair of their heads, you could go to jail!”

 

“Or worse, the dog pound!” said Howler. “I’m sure they’ll find a way to put a bionic dog to sleep!”

 

“Like cutting my wires!” gasped Dyno turning from red to green.  Then he sucked back in his weapons. “Okay, I’ll be good”, said Dyno as he started thumping his tail.

 

“Maybe the Professor might know how to solve all of this”, said Wendy. “Say Professor…” They all turned to the Prof. who was sitting up in his sleeping bag sketching something on a notepad.

 

“Whatcha’ working on, Prof.?” asked Wally, “Some kind of device that’ll chase out those bad guys?”

 

“Oh no, oh dear, oh great Einstein’s hair!” gasped the Prof. as he finished his sketching. “It’s just as I thought!”

 

“What is it Prof?” asked Wendy.

 

“Earlier today, I saw that fiend Brainiac working on a whole bunch of equipment and chemicals in my ex-laboratory”, said the Prof. “I’ve done some sketching and putting pieces together and I’ve found out what he’s building.  A powerful Destructo Ray!”

 

“A Destructo-type-Ray?” gasped Yogi.

 

“No, Yogi”, said the Prof. “A Destructo Ray.” And he showed everyone the drawing that consisted of a huge machine with a gigantic ray gun about the size of a giant satellite dish.

 

“Those things can sting, right?” asked Howler.

 

“More than that, I’m afraid”, said the Prof. sadly.

 

“We gotta go to the police and tell them about this!” cried Sneezly.

 

“Yeah, and put all their sorry butts in jail!” said Jabber.

 

“That won’t work”, said a depressed Dyno. “Just like us superheroes, the police are helpless to arrest any PETA protected criminals, or else!”

 

“Or else, they’ll lose their badges?” asked Boo Boo.

 

“Or else, PETA will stop buying tickets to the policemen’s ball”, said Dyno.

 

“That means those villains can fire that Destructo Ray anytime and anywhere they want and no police or superhero will be able to stop them!” cried Wendy.

 

“Not only that”, wailed the Prof. “Brainiac is using my precious hamsters to power up his ray.  Poor AC and DC weren’t meant to be instruments for evil!  They could go to hamster juvenile hall!”

 

“That does it!” said Huck in a sweet, but angry voice. “We have to go to PETA and get them to remove this super villain protection decree!”

 

“But where can we find this PETA group?” asked Wally.

 

“We’re in luck”, said Dyno opening up his laptop computer installed in his chest. “My computer shows that a main PETA group has camped out just two miles from here!”

 

“Then what are we sitting around here for?” asked Yogi. “Let’s go to PETA so the bad guys will retreat-a!  HEY, HEY, HEY!” The other’s looked funny at Yogi.

 

“Hey, it’s rare I get to rhyme something like PETA”, said Yogi.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *

 

The next day, our heroes had arrived at a campsite where a group wearing PETA T-shirts were busy roasting something on sticks. “Hey, are those marshy-mallows?” asked Yogi drooling.

 

“Nope”, said a guy member, “We’re roasting tofu.  We don’t believe in cooking animals.”

 

“But marshmallows aren’t animals”, said Boo Boo.

 

“We saw some marshmallows dancing around in a cereal commercial on TV”, said the same guy. “After seeing that, we’ve declared marshmallows endangered species!”

 

“But that was just a cartoon leprechaun making the lifeless fluff balls dance with telepathy!” said Howler.

 

The PETA group looked at the werewolf and started to get angry. “Hey, that guy’s wearing the skin of a dead wolf!” shouted a girl.

 

“So you think its cute skinning poor innocent wolves just to keep warm?” demanded the same guy.

 

“This isn’t a coat”, protested Howler. “This is the real me.  I’m a werewolf!”

 

“He admits he’s wearing a wolf!” shouted the girl.

 

“I said werewolf!  Not wearing a wolf!” cried Howler running behind his friends

 

“I say let’s show this wolf wearer what it’s like to be beaten and skinned for fashion!” said the guy as he and all the other PETA members took out clubs and hammers and slowly approached the nervous werewolf.

 

“These people are nuts!” gasped Wendy.

 

“Force field activation!” shouted Dyno as an invisible force field shot from his eyes, protecting them from the raging people.

 

“Enough of this!” shouted a woman’s voice.  The PETA group stopped and out of the biggest tent stepped a woman with short brown hair and was wearing PETA shirt and blue jeans. “Just what are you all doing?”

 

“It’s these outsiders!” said the girl. “They’re trying to protect this fiend who wears the skin of a wolf!”

 

“I keep telling you guys”, shouted Howler. “I’m a w… I mean a half man, half wolf!”

 

“Um, excuse me, ma’am”, said Huck stepping in front of the crowd. “Are you the person in charge of PETA?”

 

“Yes I am, small blue hound”, said the woman. “I’m Quinn.  The head of the PETA group in Yabbadabbaville.  And who are you?”

“I’m Huckleberry Hound”, said Huck, “The owner of the boarding house known as HB House.

 

“Former owner actually”, whispered Wendy.

 

“Oh yeah, that’s right”, said Huck sadly. “And you can see why I’m so blue.  We’ve come to ask you a gracious favor.”

 

“What is it?” asked Quinn.

 

“We’d like you to remove the Super villain protection decree”, said Huck.

 

“Forget it!” said Quinn.

 

“DITTO!” shouted all the PETA people.

 

“But you have to!” shouted Dyno. “Super villains hurt innocent people!”

 

“Who cares about people!” scoffed Quinn. “We’ve seen on the news many times how poor defenseless super villains get beaten and taken away by super strong superheroes.  Those poor villains never get a break!”

 

“How about letting those poor super villains win once and a while?” said the first guy. “That way, things will be fair and even!”

 

“I’ll take back what I said earlier”, said Wendy. “You people aren’t nuts.  You’re coo-coo!”

 

“Hey, don’t insult the noble coo-coo bird like that!” shouted Quinn.

 

“Listen my animal-type loving friends”, said Yogi. “A bunch of villain-types have taken over our happy home sweet home!  You have to give us permission to throw them out on their baddy bottoms!”

 

“And why should we help you villain haters?!” asked Quinn.

 

“Because we’re all animals here!” said Huck. “Except for Wendy and the Professor who are humans, and Speed Buggy who’s a car, and Howler who’s actually a human turned into a werewolf!”

 

“He even admits that skinner is wearing a wolf!” shouted the guy.

 

“Not again”, cried Howler curling up into a furry ball.

 

“Isn’t that why PETA is formed?” asked Boo Boo. “To protect and make animals like us happy?”

 

“But you animals are wearing the clothes of humans”, said Quinn pulling on Boo Boo’s bow tie and pointing to Huck, Yogi, Wally, Dyno, Goober, and Country.

 

“Most of us only wear hats and ties, dontchaknow?” said Wally.

 

“And I’m not wearing anything”, said Jabber, “Except for a nice toothy smile.  YUK YUK YUK!”

 

“And you all speak the human language!” scoffed Quinn. “You poor animals sold out to those evil animal eating and hurting humans!”

 

“Don’t forget, you’re human too!” said Wendy. “I think!”

 

“And I’m ashamed to be one!” said Quinn. “But in 15 years, hopefully they’ll invent formulas that’ll mutate us PETAs from humans to animals.”

 

“Not if I don’t invent it!” said the Prof. as he approached Quinn. “You have to let us stop those super villains”, he pleaded as he took out his sketchpad. “Right now, one of those protected villains is working on a Destructo Ray.  If he succeeds, he could blow up every life form on Earth.  Including animals!  And who would you have to protect if that happens?”

 

“Hmmm”, said Quinn as she took the sketchpad from the Prof. and studied it. “It looks more like a hair dryer to me.  It’s perfectly harmless.”

 

“How can you say that death machine is harmless?!” shouted Wendy.

 

“A hair dryer can only hurt if you keep it aimed at one spot on your head”, said Quinn. “Now if you’ll just kindly leave, I’ll….”

 

“Wait a minute”, said the first PETA guy as he looked over Quinn’s shoulder. “Those look like hamsters in that wheel that’s attached to the machine.”

 

“Yes it does”, said Quinn looking annoyed. “Are you saying those villains are using poor defenseless hamsters to power up their hair dryer?! That’s unlawful animal labor and we PETAs won’t stand for that!  Whether they’re protected super villains or not.  Come on my fellow PETAs!”

 

“YEAH!” shouted all the PETAs as they grabbed some clubs and started marching to the direction of HB House.

 

“What just happened?” asked Howler who uncurled himself and saw the PETAs marching away. “Have I been thrashed to death?”

 

“No Howler”, smiled Wendy. “But it looks like we might be getting our home back.”

 

“But hamster power wasn’t really their idea!” called out the Prof. “All that came from my scientific mind!”

 

Huck quickly covered the Professor’s mouth. “Let the villains take the credit!” whispered Huck. “This is not really the time for you to be brainy!”

 

“Oh, I see”, said the Prof. realizing that he might get clubbed instead if the PETAs knew the truth.”

 

*      *      *      *      *      *

 

Back at the house, all the villains were in the living room having another wild obnoxious party.  They were playing loud music, dancing while throwing dishes on the floor, and having spitting contests with some priceless urns.  Dick was once again relaxing in Huck’s cozy living room chair. “Stick the pigeon!  Stick the pigeon!” Dick was singing while sticking some pins in a stuffed pigeon doll.

 

“Isn’t this the life, Muttley?” laughed Dick as he turned to Muttley who was resting in Goober’s doghouse. “Finally, villainy is paying off!”

 

“RAARF!” agreed Muttley as he was chewing on a pair of bedroom slippers autographed by the Blue Falcoln.

 

“Attention everyone!” called out Brainiac’s voice as the basement door  opened and Brainiac appeared pushing a huge machine with a laser cannon attached on top. “Tonight is a great night for us evil doers!  For I have finally completed my Destructo Ray!  Normally, it would’ve taken me months or even years to complete this complicated device.  But thanks to a house where the law can’t touch us and thanks to a screwy professor with all the right equipment in his lab, I’ve been able to complete it in one day!  Isn’t that wonderful?!”

 

“ALL RIGHT!” shouted the villains raising their skull shaped mugs! “DESTRUCTION TIME!”

 

“Thank you”, said Brainiac blushing, “You’re all too kind!  Oops, excuse my language!  Now, which place shall we destroy first?”

 

“Let’s destroy France!” said Toad. “I’ve always been mad at the French for eating frog legs!”

 

“No, let’s destroy Orlando, Florida!” said Captain Cold. “I’ve always hated that they put the best theme parks in such a hot, sunny place I can’t survive in!”

 

“Better yet, let’s destroy every ounce of land on Earth!” said Black Manta. “And make it an all water planet!”

 

“I like that!” said Fish Face flapping his fins with glee.

 

“All water?!” growled Cheetah as she pounced on Manta. “Don’t you know we cats don’t like water?!” She growled as she was about to cut one of Manta’s scuba cords with her claw.

 

“Now wait just a minute!” shouted Dick prying Cheetah and Manta apart with a broom and then marching up to Brainiac! “I like a little destruction myself.  But there’s no way I’m going to let you fire this dangerous, life taking, machine of death!”

 

“But I thought you said we can all get away with any type of evil in this house?” asked Brainiac.

 

“YEAH!” shouted all the other villains with disappointment and rage.

 

“But not if it ends up destroying my house!” said Dick. “If you want to destroy some countries, take the machine out in the backyard or put it on top of the roof!  That way, we won’t lose our home.  HEH HEH HEH!”

 

Hearing Dick’s orders, the villains stopped frowning and continued their evil laughing.  “You heard our smart and sinister landlord”, said Brainiac. “Help me push this baby on top of the roof!”

 

Just as they were about to approach the ray, the front door slammed open and in marched the PETAs along with the HB gang. “We want to speak to Mr. Dick Dastardly!” shouted Quinn.

 

“Why if it isn’t my dear PETA friends”, smiled Dick in his fakest smile ever. “I want to thank you all for making super villains an endangered species.  You don’t know how happy you’ve made me and the evil boarders of this hou…”

 

“Save it, Dastardly!” shouted Quinn. “Robert, Marla, check the machine for hamsters!”

 

“Right!” said the PETA guy and girl as they stormed past the surprised villains and headed over to the machine.  They opened up a compartment and saw two hamsters trapped in two spinning wheels.

 

“Yes Quinn, they got hamsters working as slaves, all right!” said Robert as he and Marla took out the hamsters and started petting them.

 

“You monsters!” shouted Marla pointing at a villain.

 

“Of course I’m a monster”, said Fly. “With a gross face like this, would you call me Luke Perry?”

 

“I thought you villains would at least be kind to your own fellow animals?” said Quinn.

 

“But we are”, said Dick sweating. “I’ve always treated my precious dog, Muttley, with love and respect.”

 

“ROPE, RO RAY!” said Muttley shaking his head no.

 

“Who asked you, you benedict fleabag?!” growled Dick pounding Muttley on the head.

 

“RAZZIN FRAZZIN RANIMAL RATER!” grumbled Muttley.

 

“Did you just pound that poor dog?!” shouted Quinn.

 

“But I really love animals!” pleaded Dick. “Cross my heart!” As he was about to cross his chest with his finger, something had fallen out of his coat.  It was a stuffed pigeon with needles in its head.  The PETAs became horrified.

 

“It’s just a doll!” protested Dick. “You PETAs are supposed to be concerned about real animals, not dolls!”

 

“It’s looking good for our side”, Huck whispered to our heroes.

 

“I’ve seen and heard enough!” shouted Quinn as she took out a sheet of paper and tore it up. “The decree that states super villains are an endangered species is now cancelled!”

 

“BUT, BUT…” gasped Dick while all the other villains stood there shocked while our heroes smiled.

 

“Thank you, PETA lady”, smiled Dyno as he ejected some handcuffs, nets, and lassos from every part of his body. “Now I can put all you villains in jail for disturbing the peace with your loud partying and for building a weapon of destruction!”

 

“BLAST!” growled the Hooded Claw.

 

“Blast is a good idea!” shouted Brainiac as he snatched the hamsters from Robert and Marla and placed them back in the machine.  Then he pushed a button and two peanuts appeared causing the hamsters to run on their wheels which caused the machine to rev itself up. “Come any closer to me and I’ll destroy this house and all of us with it!”

 

“WHAT?!!” shouted everyone.

 

“They should call you Brainless instead of Brainiac!” shouted Dick. “Don’t you know you could blow up your fellow villains if you fire that thing in here?!”

 

“Not to mention yourself!” shouted Wendy.

 

“I’m an android!” laughed Brainiac. “If I get destroyed, I’ll just have my robot brain fly off somewhere and hire some scientist lackies to build me a new body!”

 

“Now that’s a clever villain!” said Dyno stopping his attack.

 

“In fact, I’ll do it now just to spite all you PETAs, HB goody goods, and villains who think they’re better than me!” and he pushed the button and a huge green beam shot from the ray.

 

“OH NO!” cried everyone as they ducked down waiting for the explosion.  Just then, the ray got hit by a compact mirror someone was holding.  The ray reflected itself and sent it back to Brainiac.

 

“Game over!” whispered Brainiac nervously, then he exploded.  Everyone got back up and saw the evil android known as Brainiac blown to pieces on the floor.  But then, Brainac’s head started to sprout rockets from its ears and was about to blast off.

 

“So long suckers!” shouted Brainiac, but then he was caught by a net made of steel.

 

“Our house is still standing!” gasped Huck relieved.

 

“And so are we!” said Yogi happily.

 

“My hamsters!” cried the Professor who ran over to the ray and freed the imprison hamsters. “Oh AC and DC!” cried the Prof. “Can you forgive me for letting you fall into the wrong hands?!”

 

“But who saved us?” asked Wendy.

 

“I believe it was that person!” said Boo Boo, pointing to a figure dressed in a SWAT team uniform with the head covered in a helmet.  In one hand was the compact mirror and in the other was a net with Brainiac’s head trapped in it.  Then the officer took out a megaphone and spoke in a southern woman’s voice. “Y’all can come in an arrest these evil doers!” and in stormed some more SWAT team officers.  They pounced on all the villains who were still shocked after everything that happened and handcuffed them.

 

“DRAT, DRAT, AND QUADROOPLE! DRAT!” shouted Dick who was on the floor handcuffed. “My plans and dreams to run a quaint little house for evil are ruined!”

 

“Don’t worry, Dastardly!” said the SWAT team leader. “You and your little ol’ bad friends will have a nice new home in the state prison!”

 

“Little ol’?” grumbled Dick. “There’s something familiar about that line!”

 

“Yeah!” shouted the handcuffed Hooded Claw. “And that voice is familiar.  It’s a voice I’ve been trying to get rid of for years!”

 

“SURPRISE!” said the leader as she took off her helmet and revealed who she was.

 

“PENELOPE PITSTOP!” gasped everyone in the house.

 

“PITSTOP?!” gasped The Claw. “You mean you’ve become a cop?!”

 

“That’s Sgt. Pitstop to you, Claw!” said Penelope smiling. “Your constant need to kidnap me and do me in had forced me to get tough and join the police force!  And I got promoted to sergeant when they saw how much you tried to kill me on national TV and how I kept escaping.”

 

“BLAST!” grumbled the Claw.

 

“Take ‘em away, boys!” ordered Penelope.  The officers got every villain on their feet and pushed them out the front door to a paddy wagon.

 

 “Hey, Fish Face!” called out Dyno. “Make sure you hold onto to your soap with both fins while in the shower!  HUH HUH HUH!”

 

“GRRRR!” grumbled Fish Face in a gurgly grunt.

 

“And make sure you put lots of fly paper and toad motels in your cells!” laughed Howler.

 

“Very funny!” grumbled Toad.

 

“You’re a riot!” buzzed an angry Fly.

 

“Hold it a minute, please”, said Quinn as she went over to Dick and pulled a paper from his coat.

 

“Hey, give that back!” shouted Dick. “That’s my deed!”

 

“And we’re gonna lock you up before you can do anymore bad deeds!” said Penelope as she ordered the last villain in the house to be taken away.

 

“Excuse me, Miss., I mean, Sgt. Pitstop”, asked Jabber blushing.

 

“Why what is it you cute big guy?” smiled Penelope with a sweet smile.

 

“YUK, YUK, YUK, Well”, said the shark blushing while holding a pen and paper. “I’ve seen you a lot on Peril TV.  And I was wondering if I could have your autograph, please?”

 

“Why sure”, smiled Penelope as she wrote her name down on the paper. “Here you go darlin’”, smiled Penelope as he handed the autograph to the grateful Jabber.

 

“Thanks”, smiled Jabber hugging the paper.

 

“But I warn you!” said Penelope in a now stern voice. “If I ever see that same paper auctioned on eBay, I’ll hunt you down!” She said while waving her nightstick at Jabber.

 

“YAAARG!” went Jabber nervously. “Believe me, Sgt. Piststop.  I’ll respect your request.  And this shark really believes in the word RESPECT!”

 

“Well, I must be leaving now”, smiled Penelope as she exited the front door. “Y’all be good now, ya’ hear?”

 

“We will!” said all the HB boys with hearts in their eyes.

 

“Why can’t you all be good when I ask you?” sighed Wendy, turning a little green with envy.

 

After Penelope and her squad left with the villains, Quinn approached Huck and handed him the paper she took from Dick. “Here you go Mr. Hound”, said Quinn with a smile. “We, the good people of PETA, are giving you back the deed to HB House.”

 

“You mean I’m the owner of this house once again?” asked Huck with a smile and a tear in his eye.

 

“Yes”, smiled Quinn. “We want to make HB House a safe and welcome haven for animal citizens as well as humans who love animals.”

 

“THANK YOU!” said Huck as well as all the other original boarders.

 

“We should have a party to celebrate this important date!” said Yogi.

 

“YEAH!” shouted the HB Gang while Dyno ejected a record player from his chest and was about to make some funky record scratching sounds, until Wendy stopped him.

 

“Hold it everyone”, said Wendy. “I am grateful to have our house back.  I don’t think this is the time to be partying.  Look at this mess those villains made!  If we have a party, we’ll make the mess even bigger.”

 

“And what’s wrong with a mess?” asked Howler.

 

“I’ve seen your messes, Howler”, said Wendy. “It’s enough to make a new Mt. Trashmore in Yabbadabbaville!”

 

“She’s right”, said Huck. “It looks like we’ll all have to pitch in and clean up our house.”

 

“AWWW!” grumbled the HB Gang.

 

“Just be grateful we’ll be working without being the slaves of those villains”, said Wendy.

 

“I suppose I should go out and fill up that huge hole in the backyard those baddies forced me to dig”, sighed Howler.

 

“Actually, let’s keep digging it”, smiled Huck. “I like the thought of this house having a swimming pool.  And we can charge the citizens of Yabbadabbaville to come and swim in it.  That way, we’ll have enough money to pay for the expenses I mentioned in the beginning of this story.”

 

“Score one for us water critters!” shouted Wally, Sneezly, and Jabber Hi-fiving each other.

 

“And score zero for the poor wolf who’ll be expected to dig it!” sighed Howler.

 

“What should we do with that?” asked Boo Boo pointing to the Destructo Ray.

 

“Yes”, said the Prof. “We certainly can’t leave the Destructo Ray in the wrong hands.”

 

“We’ll take it off your hands”, said Quinn. “You can be sure that this weapon of destruction will be in the good hands of PETA.” And she started using her imagination on how PETA can use the ray for good.  It showed scenes of PETA threatening to blow up fried chicken stands, steak houses, and fur coat stores with their new Destructo Ray.  And the ray was being powered by a short man in a big wheel so no hamsters would be forced into labor.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *

 

Next, we see Penelope driving her paddy wagon down the road.  Inside were all the captured villains kicking Brainiac’s head around like a soccer ball. “You ruined my dreams for a house of villains!” shouted Dick kicking Brainiac over to Fish Face.

 

“And you were gonna blast us all into sushi a minute ago!” shouted Fish Face kicking him with his flippered foot.

 

“What do you expect?!” shouted the rolling head of Brainiac, “Who ever heard of honor among villains?!”

 

“I wonder if we’ll be getting the hot seat for this?” worried Toad.

 

“HOT SEAT?!!” shouted Captain Cold hearing yet another hot word causing him to take out his ice gun and started blasting like crazy.

 

“Keep it down back there!” shouted Penelope in the front.

 

“Hey Piststop!” shouted the Hooded Claw. “Aren’t you officers supposed to confiscate weapons from dumb villains like him?”

 

“And miss having you fiends get hurt by each other?” laughed Penelope, “No way!”

 

Soon, the villains were now freezing in the ice coated back of the paddy wagon.  And they were all looking red eyed at Captain Cold. “Keep those hot fiery eyes away from me!” shouted Cold.

 

“At least I have a fur coat!” sighed Cheetah and then looked at Zorak. “You’re the only one here not complaining!” said Cheetah. “Why is that?” But then she took a good look at the mantis and discovered his head was gone.

 

“What happened to your head?” gasped Cheetah and then looked over at Black Widow. “I don’t think I’ll question her” she said disgusted while coughing up a hairball.

 

“Maybe someone will kick me up there and I can have a new body!” thought Brainiac looking at the headless mantis body.

 

Black Widow looked at the body of her now ex-husband, Zorak, and then looked over at Fly. “Won’t you come into my parlor said the Black Widow to the cute little Fly?” said Widow smiling while pouring a pack of chocolate sauce on his head.

 

“I hope you don’t mean your ice cream parlor”, said Fly nervously.

 

*      *      *      *      *      *

 

Back at HB House, everyone gratefully retired to their rooms for the night.  “Ah, it’s great to be sleeping in my own room once again”, smiled Wally. “I just hope that couple who slept in here last night didn’t ruin it too much.” And he crawled into his bed and plopped his head on his pillow.

 

“OW!  Watch it you jerk!” called out a buggy voice.

 

“What the…?” asked Wally surprised as he lifted his pillow.  To his surprise, he saw the head of Zorak in his bed. “What happened to you?!” gasped Wally.

 

Zorak started to develop tears. “It was my now ex-love!” he sobbed. “First she ripped off my head and I was excitingly waiting to be devoured by her.  But when she started nibbling on my ear, she decided she hated the taste of me and so she dumped me!  WAAAAH!”

 

“Gee, I’m sorry to hear that”, said Wally patting Zorak’s head. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

 

“Will you marry me?!” asked Zorak smiling.

 

“Are you crazy?!” gawked Wally. “You’re a guy, not a girl!”

 

“As you can see by my current position”, said Zorak’s head. “I’m now neither!  What da’ ya’ say?”

 

And it showed a window being opened and Zorak’s head getting thrown out and landing in the garbage can.  Zorak opened his eyes and found little bugs nibbling on his face. “Cupid’s being extra good to me!” he said while smiling.

 

THE END.

 

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