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Johnny Dangerously
 
    adverb.wav(79K)
    Johnny Dangerously (Michael Keaton): Lil Sheridan huh. My names Dangerously, Johnny Dangerously.
    Lil Sheridan (Marilu Henner): Did you know your last name is an adverb.

    scumbag.wav(150K)
    Johnny: I always woundered what happened to you.
    Danny Vermon (Joe Piscopo): Well I fulfilled a lot of peoples predictions about me. I've become a real scumbag.
    Johnny: Ah good for you Danny. You know a lot of people go there whole lives without ever realizing what they want to be.

    ess.wav(288K)
    Film Projector: Your testicles and you. Take a good look. These are the unlucky ones. These unfortunate soles are suffering from ESS Enlarged Scrotum Syndrom.

    testies.wav(221K)
    Film Projector: Hi. I'm Dr. Zillman and I'd Like to talk to you about your testies. The human testicle is not unlike a balloon. Sometimes it is empty and sometimes it is full. And sometimes it can EXPLODE!

    criminal.wav(72K)
    Ma Kelley (Maureen Stapleton): Ahh. I tell you with a father like Killer Kelley, it's a miricle that neither one of you became a peice of shit criminal.

    doc.wav(116K)
    Doc: About your mom John.
    Johnny: What is it? How much?
    Doc: Blocked salavory gland $7,500.
    Johnny: Really. Yeh go ahead and do it. Hey It'll be good to see her spit again. Huh?.

    diverse.wav(185K)
    Johnny: And do you know how we got so successfull?
    Gang Member: Why Johnny? Tell us.
    Johnny: Because were Diversified. Diversification. Yes sir. Were constantly exploring new and exciting areas of crime. And I tell ya somethin'. We better, because there a couple Japanese gangs out there that are going to do it faster and cheaper.

    favorite.wav(114K)
    Danny: I like what I'm doing right now. I enjoy collecting protection money, Putting whores to work, lone-sharking. I enjoy planting bombs in peoples cars. These are a few of my favorite things.

    laid.wav(119K)
    Ma: What can't you say in front of Mom.
    Tommy Kelly (Griffin Dunne): Nothing Mom.
    Ma: I know what you can't say. You want to get laid.
    Tommy: Mom!
    Ma:     You want to hump your brains out. Baboom! Baboom! Baboom! Baboom!

    laid2.wav(245K)
    Johnny: I don't understand. Your tops in your class. You made the law review. Why do you have to get married now?
    Tommy: Because if I don't get laid I'm gonna die.
    Johnny: Laid! Is that what this whole thing is about? Gettin' laid. Hey Tommy I thought it was about somethin' serious.
    Tommy: It is serious. I've tried going to bad girls, but for a clean cut kid like me it's just no dice.

    laid3.wav(97K)
    (fireworks)
    Crime Boss(Peter Boyle): Sounds like Johnny is gettin' laid.

    mouth.wav(263K)
    Roman Moronie (Richard Dimitri): You fargon sneaky bastage. I'm gonna take your dwork. I'm gonna nail it to the wall. I'm gonna crush your boils in a meat grinder. I gonna cut off your arms. I'm gonna shove um up your icehole. Dirty som-on-a-batches. My own club.
    Gang member (Dick Butkus): What a mouth on that guy.

    farg_war.wav(46K)
    Moronie: Now I'm really angry. This is fargon war.

    statemnt.wav(407K)
    Lawyer: Before we begin my client would like to read from a prepared statement.
    Tommy: Go ahead.
    Moronie: I would like to direct this to the destinguished members of the panel. You lousy corksuckers. You have violated my fargon rights. This som-on-a-batching country was founded so that the liberties of common patriotic citizens like me could not be taken away by a bunch of fargon iceholes like yourselves. Thank you very much.
    trick.wav(229K)
    Tommy: If a train left New York at 300Mph and accelerated speed at 15Mph and traveled a distance of 683 miles, tell me sir what time would that train reach Chicago.
    Moronie: That's a fargon trick question. Your trying to ????? me up you fargon iceholes.

    waited.wav(98K)
    Tommy: I'm glad we waited.
    Sally Kelly (Glynnis O'connor): yes.
    Tommy: But I can't wait any more.
    Sally: Ok. Where?
    Tommy: Someplace real close.

    bothways.wav(112K)
    Ma: You've gotten to be like a daughter to me and I want to share something with you.
    Lil: Oh whats that Ma Kelley.
    Ma: I go both ways.
    Lil: Oh.

    walk.wav(109K)
    Old nasty cleaning Lady: Shouting obscinities and other offensive things

    one_both.wav(184K)
    Danny: Hiya doll. Whats your name?
    Old nasty cleaning Lady: Mary Margret Catherine Denine.
    Danny: How would you like to make some money?
    Mary: One at a time or both of you together.
    Danny: How much would cost for you to go clean room 708 and forget you ever saw us?
    Mary: $17,000.
    Danny: Alright 17 grand it is.

    can_see1.wav(179K)
    sound of paper hitting man on head
    News Stand Attendent (Ray Walston): My god. My god I can see. I can see.

    canthear.wav(202K)
    sound of paper hitting man on head
    Man on street: Is that the city edition.
    Newsguy: what?
    Man on street: I said. Is that the city edition.
    Newsguy: Oh no. Son-of-a-bitch, Now I'm deaf.

    can_see2.wav(214K)
    sound of paper hitting man on head
    Newsguy: I can hear again and I can see. I can hear again and I can see; but who am I?

    smokin.wav(295K)
    Johnny: And you know for you kids out there who are thinkin' about smokin', don't start. And if you started, stop. Smokin' don't make you look tough kids. It makes you look stupid. I f you gotta put something in your mouth, make it a stick of chewing gum. Sure, thats what Johnny does. Smoking is the worst thing you can do to your body.
    (sound of man keeling over)
    Johnny: See.

    deathrow.wav(48K)
    Wardon: Johnny it's an honor to have you on Deathrow.
    Johnny: Ah don't be silly. The pleasure is all mine.

    grapevin.wav(503K)
    Lil: Get this to Johnny on the grapevine. Vermon is going to kill Johnny's brother at the savoy theater tomorrow night. Got it.
    Polly: Got it.
    Polly: Vermon is going to kill Johnny's brother at the savoy theater passit on.
    Prisoner: Vermon is going to kill Johnny's brother at the savoy theater tonight pass it on.
    Prisoner: Vermon is going to kill Johnny's mother at the savoy theater tonight pass it on.
    Prisoner: Vermon's mother is going to kill Johnny tonight at the savoy theater pass it on.
    Prisoner: Jibberish.
    Prisoner: There's a message an the grapevine Johnny. .
    Johnny: Yeh. What is it?
    Prisoner: Johnny and the mothers are playin' stompit at the savoy in Vermont tonight.
    Johnny: Vermon's going to kill my brother at the savoy theater tonight.
    Prisoner: I didn't say that.
    Johnny: No, but I know this grapevine.

    deathwlk.wav(777K)
    Wardon: Your turn Johnny. The priest you've requested has arrived.
    Priest: Are you ready my son.
    Johnny: I'm ready if you are father.
    Priest: Dominus hubiscum habisco. Esperitu sanctum. Dey gas da bus.
    Prisoner: So long Johnny.
    Priest: Me gas da bus. You gas da bus. We missed the bus. They missed the bus.
    Prisoner: Be brave huh Johnny.
    Priest: When's the next bus?
    Johnny: Always Neal.
    Priest: Suma cum laude. Magna cum laude. The radio's too loudy. Odesti fidellas
    Prisoner: Good luck Johnny.
    Priest: centra fidellas. Hi fidellas.
    Johnny: Why didn't I take shop?
    Priest: Post meridian. Anti-meridian. Uncle Meridian. All of the little meridians.
    Prisoner: Bye bye Johnny.
    Johnny: Bye Rock.
    Priest: Magna Carta. Master charga.
    Prisoner: Spit in his eye Johnny.
    Johnny: OK rabai.
    Priest: Dume procellas. Lotsa vitalles
    Wardon: Any last words Johnny.
    )
    (sound of gun cocking)
    Wardon: Well said.

    sedan1.wav(124K)
    Sargent (Alan Hale): Calling all cars. Calling all cars. Be on the look out for Johnny Dangerously and two accomplices in a black sedan. I repeat in a black sedan.
    Johnny: Black sedan huh. We'll just see about that.

    sedan2.wav(122K)
    Sargent: Calling all cars. Calling all cars. Johnny Dangerously now driving a white sedan disguised as a trout fisherman.
    Lil: Johnny we've been spotted. Peal the next layer.

    sedan3.wav(191K)
    Sargent: Calling all cars. Calling all cars. Be on the look out for... Now liston to this. Dangerously and accomplices now dressed as nuns in a sedan covered with... Oh you'll love this... Duckies and bunnies. Calling all cars. Calling all cars. Come to Dooly's bar and grill. I'm buyin'.

    crimepay.wav(316K)
    Johnny: Hey kid don't forget, Crime doesn't pay.
    Kid: Right
    (sound of car driving up)
    Lil: Johnny
    Johnny: Well it paid a little.

 
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