____ __ ______ ____ _ _____
/ __ \/ / / / __ \___ / __ ( ) ___/
/ /_/ / /_/ / /_/ / _ \/ / / //\__ \
/ ____/ __ / _, _/ __/ /_/ / ___/ /
/_/ /_/ /_/_/ |_|\___/_____/ /____/
____ __ ____ ___ ___ ______ _____
/ __ \/ / / / / / / | / / | / / _/__ / ___/
/ /_/ / /_/ / / / / |/ / |/ // // _ \\__ \
/ ____/ __ / /_/ / /| / /| // // __/__/ /
/_/ /_/ /_/\____/_/ |_/_/ |_/___/\___/____/
:):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)
#8 More Windoze Humor
Contents:
- The Plane
- Undocumented Windoze errors
- Panhandling
- Unabomber
- Last one
****************************************************************************
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple
of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport
through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went
out. So he began circling around looking for landmark.
After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers
are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he
sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot
banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey!
Where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane."
The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to
execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away.
Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the
pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he
gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must
be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just 5 miles
East"
*****************************************************************************
WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed.
WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside
WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside
WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?
WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one.
Old Windows license is not valid anymore.
WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault.
WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your
software. We are terribly sorry.
WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next
time you will get a penalty for that.
WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes by our developers.
WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a DOS-box. The
virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically
be closed and the virus will be activated again.
WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please
click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional
errors may not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another
game?
WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the
system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50.312.583 Bytes available
*****************************************************************************
========================< H U M O U R N E T >=======================
SUBJ: Microsoft/Windows95 Product Announcement
Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe
magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new
product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.
"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for
money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a
golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any
initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my
competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times."
Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete
Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century.
"We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor
and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader
Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."
Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows
95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if
he could spare some change so that Microsoft has enough money to get
a hot meal. ("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam
Miller, "since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what
panhandler doesn't embellish a little?") The user can click Yes, in
which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is
transferred from the user's bank account to Microsoft's. The user
can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the
user to have a nice day. The "No" button has not yet been
implemented.
[Editor's Note: Rumors that the "No" button will generate a general
protection fault are still unconfirmed. ]
"We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button,"
Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running
within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows
2014 comes out. Maybe."
Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.
"Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either
takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squeegee Guy,
which will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft
Squeegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh
your windows.)
But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and
Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their
own. "Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you
get my drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt
Larry Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop
computers asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of
machines asking you for money." Gates responded with, "I know you
are, but what am I?" Then general pandemonium ensued.
***************************************************************************
========================< H U M O U R N E T >=======================
SUBJ: UnaBomber Changes Tactics
Apparently, the UnaBomber has changed his tactics; It appears that
explosives are no longer very frightening to the his recipients, so
he has found a new way to frighten people in a way that fits with
his anti-technology viewpoint.
He's taken to mailing people free copies of Windows 95.
***************************************************************************
*File Description: The Last Holdout*
There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft. "Not you
again," I said.
"Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm here."
Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the Windows
95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince
every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some
would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had
bought it. Specifically, I hadn't. I was the Last Human Being Without
Windows 95. And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and
he wouldn't take no for an answer.
"No," I said.
"You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 95
from a briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask."
"Not interested," I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go
bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who
doesn't have a copy."
"Well, no," the Microsoft man said. "You're the only one."
"You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I
said. "And certainly, not everyone has a PC! Some people own
Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who
have PCs run OS/2, though I hear that's just a rumor. In short, there
are some people who just have no USE for Windows 95."
The Microsoft man look perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said.
"Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you can't USE it?"
"Well, I don't know anything about this "use" thing you're going on
about," the Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to our
records, everyone else on the planet has a copy."
"People without computers?"
"Got 'em."
"Amazonian Indians?"
"We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes."
"The Amish."
"Check."
"Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear BUTTONS. How did you get
them to buy a computer operating system?"
"We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box," the
Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are all going
to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft." He was somber for a
minute, but then perked right up. "But that's not the point!" he said.
"The point is, EVERYONE has a copy. Except you."
"So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you
expect me to do it, too?"
"If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely."
"No."
"Oh, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell you
what. I'll GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on
your computer." He waved the box in front of me.
"No," I said again. "No offense, pal, but I don't NEED it. And
frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean,
it's a computer operating system. Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But
you guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something."
"It did."
"Pardon?"
"World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button
access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple."
"So what happened?"
"Well, you know," he said. "It took up a lot of space on the hard
drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway,
we couldn't figure out how to make a profit off of world peace."
"Go away," I said.
"I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail."
"You have got to be kidding," I said.
"Look," the Microsoft man said, "We sold this to the Amish. The Amish!
Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been had.
We'll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsyvania again.
But we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, it's embarassing.
It's embarassing to the company. It's embarassing to the product. It's
embarassing to Bill."
"Bill Gates does not care about me," I said.
"He's watching right now," the Microsoft man said. "Borrowed one of
those military spy satellites just for the purpose. It's also got one
of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I'm a
pile of grey ash."
"He wouldn't do that," I said. "He might hit that copy of Windows 95 by
accident."
"Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser," the Microsoft man said
nervously. "Okay. I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave me no
choice. If you take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward you
handsomely. In fact, we'll give you your own Caribbean island! How
does Montserrat sound?"
"Terrible. There's an active volcano there."
"It's only a small one," the Microsoft man said.
"Look," I said, "even if you DID convince me to take that copy of
Windows 95, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated the
market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do
then?"
The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me.
"'Windows 95....For Pets'?!?!?"
"There's a LOT of domestic animals out there," he said.
I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a
laser, and then nothing.
LAUGH OF THE DAY - A service of LaughWEB (http://www.misty.com/laughweb/).
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