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#5 Crazy Stuff
Contents:
- Insurance claims
- Swearing Parrot
- The Wedding
- Psychic Dog? Nope, Stupid Person
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THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS FOUND ON INSURANCE FORMS WHERE CAR DRIVERS
ATTEMPTED TO SUMMARIZE THE DETAILS OF AN ACCIDENT IN THE FEWEST POSSIBLE
WORDS. THE INSTANCES OF FAULTY WRITING SERVE TO CONFIRM THAT EVEN INCOMPETENT
WRITING CAN BE HIGHLY ENTERTAINING.
o Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I
don't have.
o The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
o I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head
through it.
o I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
o A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
o The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I
hit him.
o I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment.
o In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
o I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached
an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see
the other car.
o I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had
an accident.
o I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint
gave way causing me to have an accident.
o As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where
no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to
avoid the accident.
o To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
o My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
o An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
o I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that
I had a fractured skull.
o I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road
when I struck him.
o The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
o I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof
of my car.
o The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with
a big mouth.
o I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch
by some stray cows.
o The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the
way when I struck the front end.
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LAUGH OF THE DAY - A service of LaughWEB (http://www.misty.com/laughweb/).
******************************************************************************
There was this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears
like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five
minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy
who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul
mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so
the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and
yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears
more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you."
and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates
the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally
lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities
that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird
into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible
din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly
gets *VERY* quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he
starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of
minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer
door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and
says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my
best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the
transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot
says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
******************************************************************
From The Funny Bone
******************************************************************
Okay kids, here's the story that tops them all.
If any of you guys out there have ever thought
you have balls, forget about it. This is a true
story that just happened at a wedding at
Clemson. A buddy of mine from my baseball team
knows a guy who was at the wedding.
This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding at the reception, the groom
got up on stage at the microphone to talk to
the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank
everyone for coming, many from long distances,
to support them at their wedding. He especially
wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families
for coming. To thank everyone for coming and
bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted
to give everyone a gift from him. So taped to
the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila
envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone,
and told them to open it. Inside the manilla
envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man
having sex with the bride. (He must have gotten
suspicious of the two of them and hired a private
dectective to trail them.) After he stood there
and watched people's reactions for a couple of
minutes, he turned to the best man and said
fuck you, he turned to the bride and said fuck you,
and then said I'm out of here. He got the marriage
annulled the next day.
While most of us would have broken it off
immediately after we found out about the affair,
this guy goes through with it anyway. His revenge:
making the bride's parents pay for a 300 guest
wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly
what did happen, and trashing the bride's and best
man's reputations in front of friends, family,
grandparents, etc. This is his world, we just live
in it.
The moral of the story? Don't get mad, get even.
*********************************************************************
It's common practice in England to ring a telephone by signaling extra
voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in
England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two
wire circuit for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the
same line to be signaled without disturbing each other.
Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when
it did ring her dog always barked first. The telephone repairman proceeded
to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring. He tried again. The dog
barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
a. A dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain
and collar.
b. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current.
c. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinating on
the ground.
d. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring.
Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them.
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