__________ ___ _____________ ________ /\ _________
\______ \/ | \______ \ ____ \______ \)// _____/
| ___/ ~ \ _// __ \ | | \ \_____ \
| | \ Y / | \ ___/ | ` \/ \
|____| \___|_ /|____|_ /\___ >_______ /_______ /
\/ \/ \/ \/ \/
__________ ___ ___ ____ __________ _______ .___ _________
\______ \/ | \| | \ \ \ \ | | ____ / _____/
| ___/ ~ \ | / | \ / | \| |/ __ \ \_____ \
| | \ Y / | / | \/ | \ \ ___/ / \
|____| \___|_ /|______/\____|__ /\____|__ /___|\___ >_______ /
\/ \/ \/ \/ \/
^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^
#3 Stupid People
Contents:
- 2 stupid robbers
- Shot to impress
- When you gotta go..
_ He'd give his left eye for Super Bowl tickets
- Peek-A-Boo
- How would _you_ get rid of a whale?
_ Sometimes you gotta let go. < From Mista' Petry >
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OCCUPATIONAL HAZARD: Two teen-aged robbers in Miami got a little carried
away when they attempted to hold up a grocery store. The 18-year-old
accidentally fired his gun, hitting his 16-year-old accomplice in the
leg. The surprise and pain caused him to tightly grip his gun and it
too went off -- hitting the first robber in the leg. "I've had
robbers shoot themselves before, but I never had two robbers shoot
each other," a police detective said after the two were arrested. "I
knew there was a mistake," said Aijaz Rizva, a clerk in the store.
"They were the only ones bleeding." (Reuter) ...Surely that was
preferable to him.
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* In November in Quantico, Va., Christopher P. Emond, 18,
pleaded guilty to making a false police report. He had hired two
men to shoot him simply to impress his friends that he was
privvy to military secrets. Emond was wounded but not
seriously. [Washington Times, 11-4-95]
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* Thomas Springer, 46, was arrested in October and charged
with bank robbery in Vienna, Va. He might have escaped had he
not decided to stop during his getaway to urinate along the side of
the road. A disgusted neighbor called 911 and wrote down
Springer's tag number. [USA Today, 10-20-95]
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* One of the finalists in a Los Angeles radio station's crazy-stunt
Super Bowl promotion in January was Mike Garcia, 25, who
planned to swallow his glass eye, regurgitate it, and reinsert it.
Despite a large pre-stunt breakfast of steak, eggs, and a six-pack
of beer, which made him vomit for 15 minutes, the glass eye did
not come back up by the end of the contest. Reported the
Torrance Daily Breeze, "So Garcia left with an empty left eye
socket, a strong buzz, soiled clothing--and the prospect of
shelling out $1,500 for a new eye." [Daily Breeze, 1-27-96]
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* MacArthur Wheeler, 46, was sentenced to 24 years in prison in
Pittsburgh, Pa., in January, a conviction made possible by clear
photography from the bank's surveillance camera. Wheeler and
his partner did not wear masks, and in fact were not concerned
about the camera at all, because they had rubbed lemon juice
over their faces beforehand in the belief that the substance would
blur their on-camera images. [USA Today, 1-8-96]
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The Farside comes to life in Oregon.
I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I
have it all on videotape. The tape is from a local TV
news show in Oregon, which sent a reporter out to cover
the removal of a 45-foot, eight- ton dead whale that
washed up on the beach. The responsibility for getting
rid of the carcass was placed on the Oregon State Highway
Division, apparently on the theory that highways and
whales are very similar in the sense of being large objects.
So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan--remember,
I am not making this up--of blowing up the whale with
dynamite. The thinking is that the whale would be blown
into small pieces, which would be eaten by seagulls, and
that would be that. A textbook whale removal.
So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a
half-ton of dynamite next to the whale and set it off.
I am probably not guilty of understatement when I say
that what follows, on the videotape, is the most wonderful
event in the history of the universe. First you see the
whale carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame.
Then you hear the happy spectators shouting "Yayy!" and
"Whee!" Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone changes. You hear
a new sound like "splud." You hear a woman's voice shouting
"Here come pieces of...MY GOD!" Something smears the camera
lens.
Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire
situation suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge
chunks of whale blubber fell everywhere." One piece caved
in the roof of a car parked more than a quarter of a mile
away. Remaining on the beach were several rotting whale
sectors the size of condominium units. There was no sign of
the seagulls who had no doubt permanently relocated to Brazil.
This is a very sobering videotape. Here at the institute we
watch it often, especially at parties. But this is no time for
gaiety. This is a time to get hold of the folks at the Oregon
State Highway Division and ask them, when they get done cleaning
up the beaches, to give us an estimate on the US Capitol.
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The Accident
I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was
working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had
completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several
trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare
hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down
by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using
a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top
of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of
the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I
went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to
insure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block
number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh only 155 pounds.
Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost
my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say,
I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower.
In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down.
This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only
slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers
of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was
able to hold onto the rope in-spite-of my pain. At approximately the
same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom
fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel
now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in
block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the
side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the
barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the
lacerations of my legs and lower body.
The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries
when I fell onto the pile of tools and fortunately, only three
vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay
there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty
barrel 80 feet above me... I again lost my presence of mind.
.....I let go of the rope.
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