______ _ _ ______ _____ _ _
(_____ \| | | (_____ \ (____ \( ) |
_____) ) |__ | |_____) ) ____ _ \ \/ \ \
| ____/| __)| (_____ ( / _ ) | | | \ \
| | | | | | | ( (/ /| |__/ /____) )
|_| |_| |_| |_|\____)_____(______/
______ _ _ _ _ ______ ______ _____ _
(_____ \| | | | | | | ___ \| ___ \(_____) | |
_____) ) |__ | | | | | | | | | | | _ ____ \ \
| ____/| __)| | | | | | | | | | | | | / _ ) \ \
| | | | | | |___| | | | | | | |_| |( (/ / _____) )
|_| |_| |_|\______|_| |_|_| |_(_____)____|______/
(_______________________________________________________________________)
#19 Misc
Contents:
- Soccer Fan
- Helicopter Pilot
- Butt-Naked Brigade
- Freshman's Dinner
- The Accident
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YEAH, LIKE THAT: Matthew Simmons, 21, was found guilty in a London court
of using threatening words and behavior at a soccer match. As the
prosecutor was asking the court to ban Simmons from future games,
Simmons attacked him, shouting "I am innocent! I promise! I swear on
the Bible!" It took six policemen and two jailers to overpower
Simmons and drag him away from the shaken prosecutor. The court,
convinced, added a ban on Simmons from attending any soccer match in
England or Wales for a year to his $750 fine -- and a week in jail
for the in-court assault. (AP) ...The right to remain silent: it's
not just the law, it's a damn good idea.
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HELLO? Brig. Gen. Ismael Trujillo Polanco, head of Colombia's Judicial
and Investigative Police force, has discovered that drug traffickers
cracked into his mobile phone account and ran up a $200,000 phone
bill. Investigators have determined the calls were made to coordinate
drug shipments to 25 countries. (Reuter) ...Worse, no one had the
courage to trace the calls made on the general's line.
****************************************************************************
HOOKED: A commercial pilot who drives his helicopter from job to job on
the back of a truck knew he was in trouble as soon as he tried to
take off: the truck started to rise too. "I just forgot" to remove
one of the chains holding the aircraft down, pilot George Hook said.
"I got distracted." The chopper was destroyed in the resulting crash
and the truck's cab torn apart by the rotor blades, but Hook was
unhurt. It was the pilot's second helicopter mishap -- he hit a power
line in 1977. "I landed upside down and helicopters aren't supposed
to land upside down," he said with a laugh. (AP) ...Hindsight is
always 20:20.
****************************************************************************
WAR IS HELL: The civil war in Liberia is nothing if not interesting.
First, there's the Krahn unit called the "Butt-Naked Brigade" -- the
unit's soldiers fight naked. That way, "there's nothing between me
and God. Only God can protect me," said the Brigade's leader, who
calls himself General Butt-Naked. Soldiers of the National Patriotic
Front of Liberia, in contrast, wear all the items of clothing they
can capture -- which isn't much when they fight the Butt-Nakeds. The
NPFL advances aggressively until they run out of ammunition and call
for more. The Krahn have learned when the NPFL yell "Ammo!" that it's
safe to fight back. When a brief truce was called, one soldier
explained the calm this way: "He's my brother. You can't kill all the
fish in the ocean because then all you have is a great big ocean and
no fish." (Reuter) ..."You can no more win a war than you can win an
earthquake." --Jeannette Rankin (1880-1973).
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This young freshman finally gets a date with a beautiful woman in
one of his university classes. But she tells him that before they can
go on a date he has to come over and have dinner with her family.
Well the young man isn't too fond of the idea but the woman is too
gorgeous to refuse.
The rest of the day the young man worries and frets. He gets so
worried that he starts to build up alot of gas. But he makes it to
her house and is invited inside.
The dinner was excellent and afterwards the young womans' father
starts to read the paper. The young mans gas has built to a level
that his bowels cannot contain anymore so he decides to let a little
fart go...
Phtt..... The father rolls down his paper at the sound and says,
"Spot...". The young man looks around confused by this comment and
spies an old sheepdog behind his chair. Great, the young man thinks,
the old man must think the dog is doing it!! So he decides to let a
bigger fart go...
PhhhTTTT.... The father takes off his glasses and rolls down his
paper, "SPOT!...," he says in an annoyed tone. The young man feels
much better and decides to let one more fart go to relieve all the
gas...
PPPPHHHHTTTTPOW!!!!! The father rips his glasses off and throws the
paper to the floor,
"SPOT YOU DEAF BAG OF FUR...GET AWAY FROM THAT MAN BEFORE HE SHITS
ON YOU!"
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S.C. Anderson
PO Box 1302
Minnetonka, MN 55345
Superior Health Insurance
ATTN: Claims Review
1423 W. 90th St.
New York, NY 05016
Dear Sir:
This letter is in response to your recent letter
requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent
internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an
expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form
(reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put
``Stupidity''. I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague
and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances
leading up to my hospitalization.
I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a
quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the
bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment
in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that
prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone
and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately,
and with unnecessary force, returned the lid back to its normal
position.
Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain
parts of my body, which were still exposed, were trapped between
the device's lid and its main body. Feeling such intense and
immediate pain caused me to jump back. It quickly came to my
attention that, when one's privates are firmly attached to an
unmovable object, it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite
direction.
Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen
the lid. However, my slamming of it had been sufficient to allow
the locking mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a hold
on my pants and subsequently removed my keys from them. I
intended to try to force the lock of the device open with one of
my keys; thus extracting myself.
Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in
the lock. Embarrassment of someone seeing me in this unique
position became a minor concern, and I began to call for help in
as much of a calm and rational manner as I could. An employee
from the restaurant quickly arrived and decided that this was a
problem requiring the attention of the store manager.
Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock
the device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the
device, she could not get her key in. Seeing no other solution,
she called the EMS (as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1)).
After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along
with two police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4
``On-the-Spot'' news team.The guys from the fire department
quickly took charge as this was obviously a rescue operation.
The senior member of the team discovered that the device was
attached with bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached
once the device was unlocked. (His discovery was by means of
tearing apart the device located in the stall next to the one
that I was in. (Since the value of the property destroyed in
his examination was less than $50 (my deductible) I did not
include it in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an
intelligent fellow at the time, came up with the idea of cutting
the device from the wall with the propane torch that was in the
rescue truck.
The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and
commenced to attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been
in a state to think of such things, I might have realized that in
cutting the device from the wall several things would also
inevitably happen. First, the air inside of the device would
quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to suffer the
same effects that are normally achieved by placing things in an
oven. Second, the metal in the device is a good conductor of heat
causing items that are in contact with the device to react as if
thrown into a hot skillet. And, third, molten metal would shower
the inside of the device as the torch cut through.
The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did
manage to cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a
hole big enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the
device. The EMS team then loaded = me, along with the device,
into the waiting ambulance as stated on your form.
Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable
to give a full explanation of these events, and thus used the word
which I thought best described my actions that led to my
hospitalization.
Sincerely,
S. Anderson
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