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#18 Misc
Contents
- Old Fart
- Storks
- Russian Soldiers
- Labels
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Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was suffering from
Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't
handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or
sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.
At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had
the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to
his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him
up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse
ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he starting leaning forward.
This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.
About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him
and asked, "How do you like the place?"
"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart."
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Once upon a time there was a stork family - papa stock, mama
stork and baby stork. One evening papa stork didn't show up for
dinner. Mama stork and baby stork left the food out for him but
he didn't come home at all that night. When papa stork finally
did come home the next day, baby stork asked "Papa stork, where
were you last night?"
"Out making a young couple very happy," replied papa stork.
Several weeks later, mama stork was late making dinner. Baby
stork and papa stork waited a while, and then gave up and ordered
pizza. Mama stork didn't come home until late the next morning.
When mama stork did come in, baby stork asked "Mama stork, where
were you last night?"
"Out making a young couple very happy," replied mama stork.
Later in the fall, baby stork was late for dinner. Papa stork
and mama stork were worried. Their anxiety increased when baby
stork still wasn't home by sunset. They both waited up late for
baby stork but he didn't come in until early in the morning. His
feathers were rumpled and unkempt. Papa stork barked, "Where the
hell were you baby stork?" as his tired son dragged himself over
the threshold.
"Oh, just scaring the shit out of college students," replied baby
stork.
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A line of Russian soldiers stands in front of a huge
rectangular hole in the ground.
Sergant commands:- "Private Ivanov!"
- "Yes, sir."
- "Stand like this:"
O
_|______
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-"Jump!!"
The soldier jumps into the hole.
The sergant commands again:
- "Private Pyetrov!!"
- "Yes, sir!"
- "Stand like this:"
|
| O
\ -|-|
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\-\
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-" Yes, sir!"
-" Jump!"
The soldier jumps and falls into the hole.
The sergant commands again:
-" Private Sidorov!!"
-" Yes, sir!"
_" Stand like this:"
O
|-|-|
| | |
| | |
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-" Yes, sir!"
At this point a car with a colonel arrives to that
place. Colonel, very angry, comes up to the sergant
and tells him: "Comrad sergant, how many times do
I have to tell you: STOP PLAYING TETRIS WITH THE
SOLDIERS!!!!!!!!!"
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The Washington Post
May 14, 1995, Sunday, Final Edition
Report from Week 110, in which we asked you to come up with absurd
warning labels for common products.
We loved one particular entry for its wonderful idiocy: On a cardboard
windshield sun shade -- Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in
Place." We were going to make it a winner, until we discovered that it
wasn't made up.
Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with
bath water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)
Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat
lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companionship. (Tom Witte,
Gaithersburg)
Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home
pregnancy test. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a
flotation device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata:
On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin
area. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Honorable Mentions
On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening. (Cissie J. Owen,
Leesburg)
On a pack of cigarettes: WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has
determined that smoking just one cigarette greatly increases your risk
of heart attack by making you so incredibly sexy that gorgeous members
of the opposite sex surround you night and day, begging for
intercourse and wearing you into exhaustion, unless, of course, you
have another couple of cigarettes to steady your nerves. (Jacob
Weinstein, McLean)
On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.
(Jim Gaffney, Manassas)
On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. (Art Grinath,
Takoma Park)
On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (Judith
Daniel, Washington)
On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed. (Peter Fay, Herndon)
On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation. (Jerry
Robin, Gaithersburg)
On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide,
which has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats. (Meg
Sullivan, Potomac)
On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer
will replace it for a $ 2 shipping and a $ 3 handling charge, for a
total of $ 4.97. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political
figure and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what
are you looking at? Quit staring at me. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene. (Ken
Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. (Patrick G. White,
Taneytown)
On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No
meteorological warranties express or implied. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
On Odor Eaters: Do not eat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
On Sen. Bob Dole: WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode.
(Doug Keim, Schaumburg, Ill. )
On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)
On a fax machine: WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an
image of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax
the photocopy. (John Kammer, Herndon)
On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting. (Paul Styrene, Olney)
On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they
appear. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words,
phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (David Handelsman,
Charlottesville)
On a wet suit: Capacity, 1. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
And Last:
On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail note.
(Joseph Romm, Washington).
_________________________________________________________________
This is a REAL warning label sent to me by Rik Zak
(zakr@cadvision.com):
Seen on a spray can: WARNING: Death may occur without warning!
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