_____ _ _ _____ _____ _ _____ | __ \| | | | __ \ | __ \( )/ ____| | |__) | |__| | |__) |___| | | |/| (___ | ___/| __ | _ // _ \ | | | \___ \ | | | | | | | \ \ __/ |__| | ____) | |_| |_| |_|_| \_\___|_____/ |_____/ _____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _____ _____ | __ \| | | | | | | \ | | \ | |_ _| / ____| | |__) | |__| | | | | \| | \| | | | ___| (___ | ___/| __ | | | | . ` | . ` | | | / _ \\___ \ | | | | | | |__| | |\ | |\ |_| || __/____) | |_| |_| |_|\____/|_| \_|_| \_|_____\___|_____/ |:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:| #15 Misc.Contents: - Hallmark Rejects - Outfit Guide - Gorilla Hunting - Tight Skirt - The Goalie ************************************************************************* GREETING CARDS UNSUCCESSFULLY MARKETED BY HALLMARK 1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I got one... I got real snippy. 2. I heard you had herpes...and I feel terrible...I'd say "Get well soon"...but I know it's incurable. 3. My tire was thumping....I thought it was flat....when I looked at the tire....I found your cat... Sorry! 4. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends. 5. You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one... of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. 6. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... look at the bright side, she's a really good lay. 7. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be...Don't fret about your wife though... She's moving in with me. 8. Your computer is dead... and it was so alive... you shouldn't have installed... Win'95. 9. You totalled your car... and can't remember why... maybe it was... that case of Bud Dry 10. So you lost your job... It's one of those hardships in life... Next time, work harder... and stay away from the boss's wife. ************************************************************************* The Male Guide to Selecting an Outfit ---------- ----------- ------------------- ------- | Are there| No | Are there | "What's a | Are there clothes | No | Buy | |clothes in|---->|clothes in | hamper?" | strewn in random |---->| more | | dresser? | |the hamper?|----------->|piles on the floor?| |clothes| ---------- ----------- ------------------- ------- | Yes | Yes | Yes +--------------------------------------------- | V --------------- | Take whatever | | is on top | --------------- ------------------------ | | | V V | -------- No --------- ----------- | Is |---------->| Perform | "Ohmigosh" | Spray | | it | Not sure | smell |------------>| with | | clean? |---------->| test | | deodorant | -------- --------- ----------- | Yes | "Not bad" +-------------------- | V -------------- --------- ------------- |For underwear:| "Which ones are |Will they| "I may get |Place item on| |Are there many| for my legs?" | be | arrested." | dirty pile; | | holes? |----------------->| visible?|------------->| start over | -------------- --------- ------------- | No | No +--------------------------------- | V --------- ------------ ----------------------------------- | Is it | Yes | Do you | Yes |But would you rather have a tick on| |wrinkled?|----->|really care?|----->| your eyeball than iron a shirt? | --------- ------------ ----------------------------------- | No | No | Yes +----------- ------------------------------------ | V -------- Kinda ------- --------- | Does |----------------->| Is it | No | Seek the| | it | "Does it what?" | dark |---->|advice of| | match? |----------------->| out? | | a female| -------- ------- --------- | Yes | Yes +-------------------------- | V ---------- | Put on | | clothes! | ---------- ************************************************************************* A woman was looking out of her window while washing dishes when she saw a gorilla up in a tree. Not knowing what to do she looked up gorilla removal service in the yellow pages. A man came to her house with a ladder, a rope, a shotgun, and a mean vicious dog. He tells her, "I will use the ladder to climb the tree. I will then shake the limb with the gorilla. When he falls our the mean vicious dog will grab him by the balls. I will then take the rope and tie him up. The lady then asked what the shotgun was for. The man replied, "Sometimes when I shake the limb, the gorilla shakes back, and I fall out of the tree. When that happens get the shotgun and shoot the dog. ************************************************************************* A young woman in a REALLY skimpy skirt is at the bus stop. When the bus arrives and the doors open she tries to climb the steps. However, her skirt is too tight and her legs can't move. So she reaches behind her and undoes her zipper. She tries to step up again, and still can't, so she reaches behind again and plays with the zipper. She tries to climb the steps again...still no luck. So as she's reaching behind again, a pair of strong hands pick her up and place her on the top step. "What do you think you're doing?", she asks the guy behind her. "Well, I figured the second time you undid my fly we were at least good friends!" ************************************************************************* HumourNet SUBJ: Muscle Memory A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he hears a woman screaming and detects a faint smell of burning in the air. He runs down the street and around a corner and sees a huge group of people standing watching a blazing building. On the tenth floor of the building a woman, clutching a bundle to her chest, is leaning out of a window screaming for someone to save her baby. The man steps forward and calls up to the woman, "Throw down your baby and I'll catch it!" "No! No!" the woman shouts back. "You might miss or drop my baby and she'll be killed!" "No I won't!" shouts the man. "I am Alec Maguire. I'm the goalkeeper for Ireland's national football [soccer] team. I've never missed a match in ten years and in all that time I have never let the ball into my net." "What? Not once?" calls the woman. "No!" shouts back the man. "Not once. Every football player in the world agrees that I am the best goalkeeper there has ever been". And with that he adopts the classic goalkeepers stance - legs apart and slightly bent at the knees, body slightly bent forward at the waist and with his arms stretched downwards at a slight angle away from his body, with palms facing forward. "OK!" screams the woman. "I'll trust you. I've no choice! Here she comes!" So, with the flames roaring all around her, the woman throws the baby from the window. However, the edge of the baby's shawl catches on the woman's watch with the result that the child goes spinning off to one side, tumbling head over heels and with her little arms and legs flailing. The woman screams and the crowd gasps, all sure that the baby will perish because she will fall out of reach of the man. The man remains motionless as the child descends, spinning and tumbling further and further away from him as she comes. Then when the baby is only feet from hitting the ground the man dives a full 30 feet across the pavement [sidewalk], catches the baby in his outstretched right hand, pulls her in towards his chest and shields her body with his left hand and arm. He hits the ground heavily on his right side and lies motionless on the pavement for a few seconds. Then, slowly, he raises himself to his feet and turns to face the crowd and everyone sees that the child is alive. The crowd is awe-struck. Then the crowd erupts with cheers and the woman, still in danger herself, nearly faints with relief. The man, still clutching the child to his chest in his right arm, waves to the crowd of onlookers to acknowledge their appreciation. Then, slowly and gracefully, he turns away from them, bounces the baby twice on the ground, and kicks her 60 yards down the road. ***********************************************************************