The Adoption of Molly

--extracts from Barbara’s journal

(A word of explanation: we had moved to Ireland on November 1, and stayed in a temporary place until November 14. Eoin was almost 3 and Aidan was almost 4.)

November 6, 2002

We know who Molly is! She will be one year old on November 11. We got an email with her picture and info about her, but we don’t have email access yet. Dad accessed our email and said she was so cute! We will try an internet cafe tomorrow, because we need to read the info about her before we give an official “yes” to the agency about accepting her. I am so excited! We’re supposed to arrive in South Africa on November 22! I had been thinking she would be younger, but I’m glad there won’t be a three year gap between her and Eoin. Oh, I just want to call someone and chat, but I can’t--there’s no phone. All we have here is Tim’s mobile, and that’s so expensive to call with.

November 7, 2002

Dad faxed us the email about our new daughter. Lots of good info, but the pictures didn’t come out at all. So I still don’t know what she looks like. I’m so tired because I couldn’t sleep last night, thinking about Molly.

[We did finally make it to an internet cafe the next day, and got to see her picture. Dad was right: she was adorable!]

November 22, 2002

Our trip to Africa had an exciting start--Tim couldn’t find the car keys. There we were, packed, dressed, and the minutes swiftly moving toward departure time, and us frantically searching for the keys. Tim went so far as to call Ian and ask for help. And he, noble friend, was preparing to drop everything and drive us to Dublin, when Tim suddenly found the keys. They had been thrown into the tool box as he was tidying our bedroom. God must have prompted him to look in there.

The trek was long. We left our home at nine in the morning yesterday. We flew from Dublin to London, then from London to Johannesburg. The boys didn’t sleep during their nap time, and managed to stay awake until after midnight. Usually with that little sleep there would be major crying and tantrums (especially with Aidan who gets sooooo emotional when he’s tired), but God was good and we only had one brief spell of that. The boys managed to sleep about 3 hours, but Tim and I didn’t sleep at all. When we looked out the plane windows and saw the sun rising on Africa, Aidan said, “The Africa looks tiny.”

We were met at the airport by a kind lady with a large van who drove us to our guest house in Pretoria. We ate a little something there, and the boys played a bit, but then we all laid down for a nap! Tim and I each took a child and squeezed onto a single bed--in a few hours Tim and I will have our own room and the boys will share this one. We were woken by someone announcing lunch. Tim and I went to lunch, leaving the boys sleeping. I couldn’t eat---the food was spicy and I just wasn’t hungry anyway. So I came back down to our room to write this.

The staff of the house is both white and black. There are several other families staying here. The family that is leaving today has got the cutest 6 month old baby! They are from Sweden. The other families are also from Northern Europe.

November 23, 2002

Well, Aidan has a cold and Eoin is starting to sneeze, too. I have visions of them passing the bug around through the entire guest house. There are five families staying here right now. Two of them have already gotten their babies and the rest of us will get ours on Monday. One of the other families has a two year old they adopted in Sweden.

It’s been quite hot--around 35 C--but right now there’s a thunderstorm. I hope it stops before we go to the cultural village in an hour. The room we’re staying in is a sort of half-basement, which is nice because it is cooler than the rest of the house. Of course, this is summertime in Africa, and it’s very warm.

We’ve already learned quite a bit about South Africa. Crime is rife right now because (aside from the depravity of man) there is high unemployment and no welfare system. We were told about how in most of Africa, adoption is taboo. Another problem is that in some cultures, before marrying, a woman has to prove to her fiancé that she can produce a live child. So the couple gets pregnant intentionally. But if, during the pregnancy, the man decides he doesn’t want to marry the young woman after all, the woman is in a difficult place. To have and keep the baby makes it difficult for her to marry someone else. To have the baby adopted means social ostracism. So the choice is either to go away, have the baby and abandon it, or have an abortion. The agency here does Christian counseling for these women, and tries to find homes for the babies. It’s a really neat program.

Tomorrow we hope to go to the church pastored by Joel James--a seminary classmate of Tim’s.

Later.....

We went to the cultural village. It’s a nice idea.They have re-created the traditional villages of five of the tribes in South Africa. Molly’s tribe, the Zulu, is among them. You walk around to the different villages and see the people in their respective native costumes, and a guide explains the different customs, etc. They also put on a show featuring the different dances and songs of the tribes. Tim didn’t watch some of that--the womens’ costumes are anything but modest! And then they fed us a nice meal featuring different African foods. I tried alligator, antelope, and ostrich! All were pretty good. I left with a burden for the lostness of so many of these people. They are so religious, but they do not know the one true God. So much of their spirituality is demon worship (they think of it as spirit and ancestor worship). So sad.

An amusing side note. The cultural village is called “Lesedi” which means “light.” It’s supposed to be a symbol of how the different cultures in South Africa can live together in harmony. In theory, this should work fine--hand-picked people from the different tribal groups coming together for a noble purpose. In practice it’s not so idyllic. The lady who drove us there was telling me that she was at Lesedi another time and heard some of the workers having a fierce argument. She asked one of them about it later, and he said angrily, “Oh, those Zulus!” Whoever thinks that racism is a color issue doesn’t understand the heart of man.

November 25, 2002

Saturday night Aidan’s cough got worse, and he was quite feverish, so we decided that just Tim would go to church this week. He did and he said it was wonderful. We’re planning to go to their home Bible Study this Wednesday night.

This morning started badly. Aidan woke up quite angry over nothing I could figure out, and I had a sore throat. But after breakfast we all felt pretty good. We were so excited to finally get Molly! At nearly 10 a.m., we were loaded into a car and taken to the Abba offices. We signed some papers, and then were asked to stand to receive our baby. In walked a lady holding a rather chubby, cute little girl wearing a light green dress. I stepped forward and took her, kissed her, and held her tight. It was just like the song says: “And like the rain that falls into the sea/ In a moment what has been is lost/In what will be...” (Steven Curtis Chapman’s “When Love Takes You In”). She is ours from this day forward. I even cried a few tears--something that didn’t happen when we adopted Aidan and Eoin.

I then let Tim hold her. He called her “princess” and told me later that his first thought was how beautiful she was. Then we showed her to the boys. Aidan was very pleased with her. He immediately said, “Hello, Baby Molly!” and gave her a hug and a kiss, then gave her a toy he had brought to give to her. He patted her face and held her bottle for her when she drank it. And she smiled at him. Eoin was less than thrilled. He looked at her, but didn’t want to kiss or hug her. We all sat for a while, talking to her foster mother and nanny. Also present were the adoption coordinator, a social worker, and a two year old girl that was in the same foster home as Molly. It was quite a group for a small office!

After about an hour, we left. Molly cried a tiny bit when the foster mother left. But it was Eoin who really had the problems. He cried almost continually, wanting to be held by me--sometimes crying even when I did hold him.

When we got back to the guest house, we did what we have done with each child right after they were given to us: we told Molly the gospel and prayed for her. Yes, we know the babies don’t understand, but we want the message of the cross to permeate their lives, starting from the earliest moment.

A couple funny things: I keep saying, “Good boy!” to her, out of habit. Also, I keep saying things like, “Molly, say goodbye!” and expecting her to wave to people. This is irrational because her foster homes were Africaans-speaking.

November 29, 2002

Molly was very quiet for the first couple of days. Now she smiles and even laughs for us. She sleeps all night and has one or two naps during the day. She will let other people hold her, but is happiest sitting on my lap.

Eoin has thawed a little bit. He’s not as clingy, and he has held her hand a couple times. He calls her “Baby Bolly.” However, he did try to bite her this morning.

Today we went to the U.S. consulate office to try and get her visa sorted. Somehow our fingerprints didn’t arrive from the London embassy, so we’ll have to re-do them next week. All morning Aidan got more and more fussy, complaining that his neck on the right side was hurting. At first I thought he had bumped it. But he cried more and more and wanted me to hold him ALL the time. When we left the U.S. consolate and went to a nearby mall to get Molly’s visa pictures taken, he was really howling. I stood outside the photograph place with him and EVERYONE passing by stared--probably the double phenomenon of a hysterical child (and he looks older than three) and our different ethnicities (quite rare for a mother and child to look different here). A few people even asked what was wrong with him. I got the feeling they were wondering if I had kidnapped him. After a while, a worker from the cafe we were standing next to came out and said, “I’m sorry to add to your troubles, but my customers are complaining about the noise of the boy’s crying.” So I moved outside the mall. I felt awful.

On the car ride home I suddenly wondered if he might have an ear infection--he had one once about a year ago. So when we got back, I took him to the doctor down the street from the guest house. Sure enough, he had an ear infection. They gave him antibiotics and a decongestant, a pain reliever, and a cough mixture.

November 30, 2002

Ok, I officially want to go home. All three children are sick and the oldest ones are acting so very badly. I just want to get back and get the house in order and have my sweet children back. I’m tired of the hot weather, of feeling like we’re trapped here (we have no car and there’s not much withing walking distance), and of feeling like we’re being watched (especially since we’re putting out an awful testimony right now with the kids being so cranky).

A minor irritation is that I look truly awful. I have so few clothes for hot weather, and I couldn’t find some of them due to moving. Plus I forgot to bring any hair clips. Which would be fine if I at least had a hair dryer. As it is, I have to wear my hair either in a ponytail, or all hanging down, wich doesn’t look good on my air-dried hair. It’s really the least of my problems, but it’s bugging me to be so aggressively unfashionable. I don’t think ANY of my clothes could really be called trendy, but the ones I have with me are really frumpy. And so many of the other women here are the sort of chic, sophisticated women that (as someone else said) make me develop coughing spells and drop my purse a lot. Well, it’s only six more days, though it seems forever right now.

December 1, 2002

I feel a bit better about everything tonight. For one thing, we spent a lot of time with the children on their behavior, and it improved a lot. We decided that, as much as possible, we will eat lunch and dinner elsewhere--not in the guest house dining room. There’s not enough space at the tables for the children, and their bad behavior (to us it’s bad, anyway) is really on display there. So we had lunch (a drive-thru MacDonald’s meal we got on the way back from church) and dinner (sandwich stuff from the small grocery just down the road) in our room today. It worked out quite well.

The other nice thing today was that we went to Joel James’ church. It’s such a neat church! Tim sat through the first service while I stayed with the children in the creche (nursery). Then I went to the adult Sunday School class and Tim went with the children to the kids Sunday School class. The adult class is going through a video series by Tedd and Paul Tripp on parenting, and the video I saw was excellent (no surprise there). Aidan was particularly naughty--it was before we had spent time working on his behavior--and I felt like everyone there must be thinking “Now THERE’S a family that needs to watch these videos!” I’m probably just paranoid, though.

Molly still mostly sits on my lap, or near me. She’s taken a couple steps on her own, but she’s really more interested in snuggling than exploring. She’s quite chubby--something that may be explained by the fact that she eagerly reaches out for Coke cans, potato chips, and french fries--I have a feeling her foster home let her eat a lot of that stuff. The boys didn’t even know what those things were at that age! But she’s really a very happy baby and smiles a lot. She’s a favorite with the guest house staff.

Well, I probably should spend a little time describing the “birds and beasts had the habits of natives,” as Gaskell said. The only bird that has forced itself on my notice is one that I’ve been told the name of three times and still can’t remember. It has a cry/call that sounds exactly like children playing or crying. All of us parents at the guesthouse jump and look for our children when that bird makes its noise. I haven’t seen many beasts, but we’re going to a lion park tomorrow. The habits of “natives” are interesting. I’ll list a couple curious things.

1. It’s almost Christmas, and it’s odd to think of Christmas in conjunction with such hot weather. What makes it more interesting is that they decorate for the holiday with holly and berries, evergreens, thick and fuzzy Santa Claus suits, and all the other trimmings of a northern European Christmas. The music they play in the shops is all about sleigh rides through the snow, etc.

2. I hadn’t realized how big a gulf there is between the white Africaans speakers and those of British background. Here in Pretoria, most whites are of Africaans background, though they all speak English, too. Africaans is very close to Dutch, so the people from Holland do very well at understanding it.

December 2, 2002

Today we went to a lion park. We were driven around quite a large area and saw lions (of course), zebras, antelope, giraffe and the like. It was very hot--about 36 C (97 F). Then we took Molly for her immigration doctor’s visit. He looked at Eoin, too, at our request, and confirmed that he also has an ear infection. And he gave us more medicine for Molly, since she still has a cold.

December 3, 2002

Before I forget, I wanted to record that the dirt here is quite red and it seems to be in the air all the time. If you walk around the guest house in stockinged feet, you get dirty socks VERY quickly, even though the floors are swept and mopped daily.

We went back to the U.S. consolate this morning. They found our fingerprints after all. The only paperwork were are actually missing has to be faxed from the States. Tim will get to go by himself on Thursday and pick up Molly’s visa, instead of us all traipsing into Johannesburg.

Tomorrow we go to the zoo with the James’. Then on Thursday we’re going to a shopping center and an African market. And Friday evening we leave! I hope Molly’s congestion will be mostly cleared by then, otherwise we will have a screaming baby on the plane for hours and hours.

December 4, 2002

Well, Molly and I have joined the ranks of those on antibiotics. Last night I started to feel pressure on one side of my face, and it got worse and worse. By this morning I was fairly sure it was a sinus infection. The whole right side of my face is extremely tender--I can’t even chew with the teeth on that side. And my whole head hurts. Then Molly was fussy during the night, and this morning she refused to be comforted. I rather expected another ear infection. So we cancelled the zoo trip (much to Aidan’s disappointment) and Molly and I went to the doctor. Molly didn’t have an ear infection, but the doctor suspected a sinus infection or even a chest infection (she’s very congested). The doctor also seemed to agree with me that I had a sinus infection, and put both Molly and I on antibiotics. We’re also supposed to take pain relievers, decongestant, and for Molly, nose drops and cough syrup. I’m going to count all the bottles of medicine we have tonight--we could seriously open our own pharmacy. Aidan and Eoin seem to be feeling much better, except that Eoin’s nose is still running.

December 8, 2002

We’re home! I’ll summarize the last couple days of the trip. On Thursday the plan was to go to a big shopping mall and then to the African market. We only made it to the mall, though. South African prices are really low compared to Europe, and it would have been the perfect time to stock up on things. We were prevented from buying much, though, by three things: 1) We couldn’t carry that much home on the plane 2) though the prices were cheap, they did cost something, and 3) all the clothes there were for summer weather, which we don’t need much of in Ireland. But we were able to get some things. It was difficult, however, to maneuver with three small children who were stressed and over-tired.

On Friday we didn’t have enough time to go to the big African market, so we went to a small one outside the zoo, and got a few things.

I did count the bottles of medicine we had accumulated: 18!

We finally left the guest house at 4 p.m. and were driven to the airport. The trip home was pretty uneventful, except that Heathrow is the WORST airport to make a transfer in. We walked for what seemed like miles with three children, two of whom had to be carried most of the time, and four pieces of hand luggage--all without the aid of a stroller or luggage trolly. My arms are sore yet. And all of this at about 6 a.m. after very little sleep!

We had left our car at Dublin airport, and it refused to start when we got everyone loaded into it. It had to be jumped--twice--before we made it out of the parking lot. But finally we were on the road and all the children fell asleep on the drive home. When we finally got to our house in Ennybegs, it was absolutely FREEZING. There was no way we could stay there right then; the drop in temperature, especially for Molly, would be too much. So we turned on the heater and went to the supermarket and then for a drive. After about two hours, we went back home. The house was not appreciably warmer, but we had to go in anyway. The children and I stayed in the living room, huddled by a radiator. Gradually, over the next two days, the house warmed up (stone houses take a while!).

I’m so tired, and now the work really begins--unpacking from moving and travelling, finishing the house, and getting the children in a routine. But in spite of it all, I’m thrilled to be home. I love being a mother of three, I love having a little girl, and I love it that Christmas is coming. I love living in Ireland, and I love our new house. All the things that I was waiting for have come to pass; God is so good!