The Pregnancy
The day Nicky's daddy (CJe) and I found out that I was pregnant with Nicky was on New Year's Eve 1998. Talk about the way to bring in the New Year. CJe and I were so elated. We had nine months of planning to do to make sure everything would be perfect.

One week later I had my first OB/GYN appointment. That was the first time your daddy and I heard your heartbeat. We both had tears of happiness in our eyes. To hear your heartbeat meant you were real. At that time, we were given a due date of July 26.

My next appointment, on February 23, we had your first ultrasound. Boy, were you an active little person. I say person because at that time you were too small for them to know your sex. But you were a mover even then. I knew at that time you would be a strong kicker. At this time was when your daddy believed you were real. The heartbeat was one thing, but seeing you had him totally convinced. Your daddy was so happy. You should have saw him Nicky. But I think you did, and so does your daddy, because you waved to him.

The next month on March 31, we had another ultrasound done. Your daddy and I found out you were a boy! We were both crying. To finally have a son meant everything to us. We already had your name picked out, "Charles Nickolas Hall." We were going to videotape this ultrasound, but I forgot the tape because I was so excited about finding out your sex that I was in a hurry to get to the hospital. At least we got your pictures. Your daddy blew two of them up and hung them up at his work. Your daddy was so proud. We also found out the doctors miscalculated your due date. So your due date was upped to August 30.

I quit work the end of May because of a low energy level. It gave me more time to spend time with you. I was also getting everything ready for your arrival. I did a lot of shopping. Every time I went to the store, I ended up picking up at least one thing for my Nicky.

The rest of the pregnancy was pretty much uneventful. I went to my appointments just to hear your heartbeat. Every time the doctors found your heartbeat, I couldn't help but smile. And yes, you were a kicker. Ask your daddy. You seemed to be on his time frame. You always woke up a half hour after daddy did to say "Hi" to him. And at bed time, you always woke up to give daddy a kick "Good Night" when I cuddled next to him. But you never went to bed when daddy did. You kept mommy up for another couple hours. But do I ever treasure that time. It also seemed like whenever you heard your Daddy's voice, you would awake and move around so that your daddy knew you were here with us.

The Last Month
July 20 was a hard day for both you and me. Your daddy was convicted of a crime he had committed before you were conceived and sentenced to serve three years. We looked at it on the positive side, like we do with everything, meaning your daddy would only have to serve 6-8 months before he would be released on work release. At least we would be able to visit your daddy until he would be released.

July 27 - I started dilating. The doctor told me 2-3 weeks before you would be here. I called my family to tell them the news. I live in Indiana now, but am originally from Wisconsin.

My mom came down the beginning of August and stayed for two weeks that way I would have someone in the delivery room with me. Both of us expected you a lot sooner than when you finally arrived. My dad came down the middle of August because my mom had to return to work. She stayed a couple of days while my dad was here, hoping you would arrive. No such luck, you were such a stubborn baby.

Three weeks came and went. Still no Nicky. Every time I went into the doctor, they told me that I should go into labor very soon. Well, your due date also came and went. You still decided you didn't want to join this world. You were going to stay in your Mommy's tummy as long as you possibly could.

I talked with your daddy everyday, letting him know how stubborn you were being. First sign that you were going to be like your daddy. Every time I talked with your daddy on the phone, you would start kicking. I think you knew when it was your daddy. There was times I even put the phone to Mommy's tummy that way you could hear Daddy's voice even clearer.

The Big Day Arrives
September 4 - My water broke at 1:10 p.m. I called the hospital to let them know I would be arriving shortly. I arrived at the hospital, only to sit in the waiting room for an hour. When the doctor finally saw me to make sure my water broke and how my contractions were coming along, I was admitted at 4:30. I was having little contractions, but nothing I couldn't handle.

I was brought into the labor & delivery room. The nurse hooked me up to an IV and the monitor to check your heartbeat. All was going well, but my contractions weren't that strong. As long as my water broke and my contractions weren't strong enough, I was given Pitacin at 6:00 to make my contractions stronger so that there would be less chance for infection. The dosage was only upped once before I felt the urge to push. At that time, my dad went into the hallway and a volunteer labor doula stayed with me.

At 7:16 p.m., my beautiful son was born. Charles Nickolas Hall weighed in at 9lb, 6oz and was 20.5 inches long. He had so much hair (sandy blonde), you couldn't tell from the front but you sure could tell from the back. CJe and I decided to call our little boy Nicky. He was so beautiful. Nicky had the pudgiest little nose and chubbiest little cheeks. I think Nicky had a good mixture of both his mommy and daddy. Nicky had his Daddy's eyes and complexion; Nicky had his Mommy's nose. He also had a set of lungs on him. He didn't like being fussed with by the nurses and doctors, but he sure liked being held by his mommy.

When Nicky was all cleaned up and the doctors were finished with me, my dad came back in the room. The proud Grandpa. I only stayed in the labor & delivery room for about three hours before I was moved to a semi-private room. I got so many comments on how big Nicky was and how he would someday be a linebacker because of his big shoulders.

Feeding Nicky was a task. He didn't like eating more than 1-1.5oz each time he ate. Before the hospital would release him, they wanted him up to at least 2oz. Changing Nicky was also a chore. Nicky didn't like being moved around and he let me know it. But he was fine when I cuddled him. I had his little port-a-crib next to my bed, but most of the time I held Nicky. It felt so good to be able to hold Nicky after carrying him in my tummy for nine months.

I called the prison where Nicky's daddy was so that they could give him the message that his son was born. I hadn't heard from CJe in a little over a week because they were evaluating him to see where he should be placed and he wasn't allowed phone calls during this process. But he was allowed to have a message.

September 5 - Today was an eventful day. Nicky was circumcised in the morning. He had his birth pictures taken. We were released from the hospital about 9:30 p.m. One nurse was surprised by this because Nicky hadn't voided after his circumcision. Usually babies aren't released from the hospital until they void if they had a circumcision to make sure everything went fine with the surgery. But the doctor said it was okay to go home, so I didn't think anything about it.

Got home about 10:00 p.m. My two daughters were so happy to see their mommy and their new little brother. Of course, they had to hold him. Grandpa also held his new grandson for the first time. Everyone was so happy that Nicky was finally here. Went to bed with Nicky by my side in his bassinet. What a good little baby, he slept through most of the night.

First Day at Home
September 6 - Labor Day. The morning was pretty calm. I decided to do some more shopping to get the last items that were needed around the house for Nicky. My daughters went with their father for a couple of hours that way I could have time alone with my son and my dad.

We left around 1:00 p.m. My dad took me out to eat. Of course, I had to show off my new bundle of joy. People couldn't believe Nicky was only two days old. He looked so much bigger than that. We then went shopping at Babies'R'Us. Besides the things that were needed, I got Nicky a little Tigger rattle. This was my time to check out all of Nicky's features as well. He had the most beautiful deep blue eyes. My favorite feature though was his ears. The top of his right ear was bent downwards at an angle and his left ear was pressed to his head. I've never seen a person's ears be different from one another. That was what made his ears stick out to me. But it was so cute.

We returned about 4:00 p.m. and I fed Nicky. Most of it he spit back up and it was this strange yellow color. I just figured his stomach was a little upset. I checked his temperature and it was 97.1. So I didn't think much else about it. I tried feeding Nicky again about 7:30 and it took him a half hour to eat 1.5 oz. I took Nicky's temperature and it was down to 95.1. I wrapped Nicky up to try and keep him warm. I took Nicky's temperature again at 10:30 and it was down to 94.7. That was when I decided to call the hospital.

Tragedy Strikes
Before I got a hold of a nurse at the hospital, there were tears running down my cheeks. I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't put my finger on it. When the nurse returned my call, I told her that Nicky's temperature had been going down all evening. She said that a lot of babies lose their body temperature and that more than likely all that would have to be done is to place Nicky in a warming blanket to bring his temperature back up.

I was told to bring Nicky into the ER. I got Nicky to the ER at 11:50 p.m. My dad dropped me off at the ER doors. When I took Nicky out of his carseat, he gave me a little sigh. Little did I know but that would be the last time I would see and hear Nicky alive. Just from the ER doors to the ER desk, Nicky lost his pulse. Nicky was rushed back to a shock treatment room.

A nurse came out to get information on all that had happened that day so that the doctors could have some idea what was wrong with Nicky. A doctor then came out and told me that Nicky had lost his pulse, but that they were able to bring him back. She said that Nicky was hooked up to a machine, but that he was breathing on his own. They were trying to get an IV hooked up to Nicky to give him some antibotics. But the doctors still had no idea what was wrong with Nicky. I was also told that Nicky would be lucky to survive the night and that if they got him stabilized, they would transport him to Riley's Children's Hospital. I didn't want to hear this, I still had high hopes that Nicky would be okay.

About an hour later, the Chaplain was called. I was updated on Nicky's condition. Nicky had lost his pulse again. The doctors were able to bring Nicky back, but this time the machines were breathing for him. At this time, I was escorted to a private room to await more news on Nicky. I called my family to let them know what was happening with Nicky.

Another hour passed, the doctor came in to tell me that Nicky's situation didn't look good. The blood had not been circulating to Nicky's brain or extremities for so long that I was told if he did survive he probably wouldn't be "normal." I was also told that if Nicky lost his pulse one more time, that this time they would't bring Nicky back. So I was given the decision on leaving Nicky on support or not. Only I wasn't able to make that decision because another doctor came in and told me that they had lost Nicky at 2:17 a.m. I was in such shock. I mean how could Nicky really be gone when the doctors didn't even know what was wrong with him.

I was asked if I wanted to see Nicky. Of course I did. He was my baby. I didn't want to let Nicky go without saying good-bye. Walking down the corridor to see Nicky was the longest walk I have ever taken. I got to the room that Nicky was in and stopped short at the door when I saw Nicky laying on the table motionless.

I was expecting Nicky to look horrible because the doctors said his hands and feet were blue from loss of oxygen. But when I finally got the courage to see Nicky, he still looked so beautiful. His face was purple, but I didn't notice any color change in his hands or feet. He still had the respirator tube connected to him.

I was told I could hold Nicky. So I sat down and Nicky was handed to me. I stroked Nicky's cheek the whole time I held him and talked to him. I kept telling Nicky over and over again how sorry I was. I told him how beautiful and precious he looked. I told him how much Mommy loved him. I told him that his Daddy loved him. And last of all, I told him that it was okay for him to go. That was the hardest thing for me to tell Nicky.

I was asked if I wanted Nicky's hand and footprints. I was asked if I wanted a lock of Nicky's hair. I was asked if I wanted the outfit that Nicky came to the hospital in. I was asked if I wanted Nicky's blanket. Of course I said yes to all these questions. I was given a blue box to put Nicky's belongings in.

After I told Nicky that it was okay for him to go, I laid him back on the table. My arms ached after I put him down. I didn't want to let my baby go. I stayed a little longer and then gave him a kiss goodbye. I spent a half an hour with Nicky, oh how I wish I had more time to spend with my son.

Afterwards, the coroner wanted to ask me some questions. He wanted to get as much information as possible before the autoposy would be performed to give him an idea what to look for. He thought that maybe it was either Nicky's digestive system (because of the yellow spit-up) or his brain (because the brain controls the body temperature).

My dad and I left the hospital without Nicky. I was suppose to be going home with Nicky in my arms, not a little box. The ride home was quiet. I kept looking up at the stars. CJe and I have a star and on this night it was out. It was like CJe was looking down on me letting me know he was there for me.

Two hours after I got home, I got a call from CJe. The coroner called the prison and they let CJe call me. I said the same thing to CJe that I told Nicky, "That I was sorry." CJe kept telling me that it wasn't my fault, but of course I didn't believe this. It was good to hear from CJe, but for him to get the good news that his son was born and then two days later that Nicky was gone was to much for me to bear.

The First Week Without Nicky
I was in such shock. I couldn't believe Nicky was gone. I couldn't sleep. There was so much to do. Planning a funeral was not suppose to be on the agenda, raising Nicky was. I put off the funeral for as long as possible because CJe's lawyer told me that if I could put the funeral off for a week, that would be the best chance for him to get to the funeral.

I selected a funeral home. I was told to bring in an outfit when I went in for my meeting. So I brought in Nicky's little outfit that was suppose to be his Baptism outfit. I clung to that outfit. I felt that if I didn't give the outfit to the director, then maybe Nicky really wasn't gone for good. But I knew that just wasn't the case, so I ended up giving up the little white suit. We set the funeral for September 15. The director took all of Nicky's information and had me sign a permission slip to get Nicky from the coroner's office.

Two days after Nicky passed away, I received the autoposy finding. It wasn't what the coroner thought it would be. Instead Nicky died from a congential heart disease called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. I thought it would be easier for me to handle if I knew what happened to Nicky, but boy was I wrong. Instead of feeling relief, I felt guilty because I thought I gave the heart condition to Nicky. I have a heart defect, but I was told unless my defect was what Nicky had that he didn't get it from me. My heart defect is different from Nicky's, but it still isn't any easier to deal with.

I had my final meeting with the funeral director the Sunday before Nicky was buried. I was told to bring in another outfit for him because the other one was to big. I brought in another outfit for Nicky which I thought was more fitting for a funeral. I picked out Nicky's memorial folders on this day. I was also shown the casket that would be Nicky's. It was so small. How could it be possible that I was burying my child? I also told the director what cemetary I choose. I wanted to make sure the cemetary was close to my house that way I could visit Nicky whenever I felt like it.

I found out the day before the funeral that Nicky's Daddy would not be able to attend the funeral. So I decided to videotape it for him in case somewhere down the road CJe would want to see his son on video instead of just through pictures.

My family (Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister-in-Law, and Nephews) came down for the funeral. Having my family together was nice, I just never imagined that it would be under these circumstances. My family has helped me a lot in wanting to know everything about Nicky. At least they accepted Nicky, even though they never got to meet him while he was on this earth. It helped me to be able to talk about Nicky, I wanted them to know about my son's life even if it was short.

The Last Goodbye
I decided to have Nicky baptised the morning of the funeral. My family was present for this. During the baptism, I held Nicky one last time. It hurt and also felt good to be able to hold my son again.

After the baptism, I spent a half hour alone with Nicky. At this time, I read Nicky the poem that his Daddy wrote for him. I also read Nicky a letter I had written to him. I then rocked Nicky and was just content to be alone with him. Nicky looked so peaceful. A lot better than he did the night he passed away. Nicky looked happy in his restful sleep. I knew then, even though I told him earlier in the ER, that it was okay for him to go to Heaven.

The visitation was from 10-12. I put the poem and letter in the casket with Nicky. I also put his little Tigger rattle, a bunny rattle and a zebra in the casket. I put a white silk rose with a ribbon that said "Son" on it in his casket as well. CJe and I have always loved white roses, so it only seemed appropriate. Lastly I put a picture of me holding Nicky, Brea and Desi holding Nicky, and a picture of CJe and I in Nicky's casket that way he could always have us with him. When the visitation was over, I kissed Nicky goodbye for the very last time.

After the visitation, there was a gravesite service at 1 p.m. The blanket that my mom bought for Nicky I had put over his casket. My brother carried Nicky's tiny casket from the hearse to the gravesite. I got Nicky a casket spray of white roses with an angel sitting on top and a ribbon with Nicky's name. After the service, the funeral director gave me the angel, one white rose, and cut off the ribbon that had Nicky's name. After that my daughters, nephews, mother, father, brother, sister-in-law and I all put a red rose on top of Nicky's casket. And then it was time to leave.

Aftermath
It has been almost seven weeks since Nicky passed away. I've been in a state of depression ever since. The first week was the hardest. The one month anniversay for both Nicky's birth and death was very hard, it was like I was back to how I was feeling the very first week. I've been told that the first year is the hardest. The saying "One step forward, two steps back" is so true. I've had good and bad days. I'm learning that I'll never get over this pain, but I am learning how to cope with it. All I am able to do is live one day at a time and many times only one moment at a time. So far I've been angry that the hospital didn't catch Nicky's condition before we were released from the hospital. It doesn't mean that Nicky would have survived the surgery, but at least he would have had a better chance of survival. It's so hard to accept the fact that I'll never know. I've been in denial ever since Nicky passed away. I still think that when I'm at work, Nicky will be home when I return. But of course he is never here. I've also felt guilty that I'm able to go on with my life without my son. These are the feelings I have had so far, but I am only on the start of this long journey of grief.

I am so grateful for what I do have. My daughters are what have kept me going through this ordeal. Even though I want to be with my son, I know my daughters need me here with them. CJe has been my rock. I don't know what I would ever do without him. I know he also hurts and is grieving for the loss of our son, and for him to be here for me has helped more than words could ever say. You never know what you have until its gone. To find that out through the loss of Nicky has been the hardest thing I'll ever have to go through. So now I hold tight to all that I do have. And I let CJe, Brea and Desi know that I love them everyday just in case tomorrow never comes.

I love Nicky and he'll forever be engraved in my heart. Even though his time on this earth was short, I wouldn't give it up for anything. Nicky will be my Guardian Angel until I can be with him again. Until then, Nicky is safe in Jesus' arms. This is of some comfort to me, even though I will forever wish that he was never taken from me.