The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?" "Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."
Three guys, a Nebraskan, a Coloradan, and a Texan were out walking together one day. They came across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I'll give each one of you a wish; that's three wishes total," said the Genie. The Nebraskan said, "I'm a farmer, my Dad was a farmer, and my sons and grandsons will be farmers. I want the land in Nebraska to be rich and fertile forever."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'Foom', the land in Nebraska was forever made fertile for farming. The Texan was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Texas, so that no Yankees can come into our precious state."
Again with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'Poof', there was a huge wall around Texas. The Coloradan said, "I'm very curious; please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie replied, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, and completely surrounds the state. Nothing can get in or out." The Coloradan says, "Fill it up with water."
Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day.
The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?" "Head up," said the doctor. "Blindfold or no blindfold?" "No blindfold." So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.
Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine. "Head up or head down?" said the executioner. "Head up," said the chemist. "Blindfold or no blindfold?" "No blindfold." So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped an inch above the chemist's neck. Well, the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the chemist was set free.
Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine. "Head up or head down?" asked the executioner. "Head up." "Blindfold or no blindfold?" "No blindfold." So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out, "WAIT! I see what the problem is!"
1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
3. Remember: "Ya'll" is singular, "All ya'll" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.
4. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
5. Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying; they can't understand you either.
6. "Mom'n'em" is not one person. When someone asks, "How's your Mom'n'em?" they are referring to the whole family.
7. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
8. If you hear a Texan exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely the last words he'll ever say.
9. When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere and the rest learned to drive while road hunting in the back roads. In both cases, this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
10. Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own guns and are proficient marksmen...or that their mammas taught them how to aim.
11. Shakespeare is a rod or a reel, not a writer.
12. Duct tape is not only part of every survival kit, it is the whole kit.
13. Rasslin' is not fake. Don't dare whisper otherwise unless you want a kind-hearted Texan to fix your busted head with duct tape.
14. A Danish roll is not a substitute for biscuits and gravy.
15. Richard Petty, Dale Earnhardt, and Elvis are good ole boys. Jeff Gordon isn't.
16. Don't be surprised if an obituary mentions that the deceased requested to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
17. "Ya'll come back now, ya here," is a temporary statement. We really wish you'd get the hell outta our way.
18. If you decide to stay in Texas and bear children, don't think we will accept them as true Texans. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying,"I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde".
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
A team of archeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance: * A Woman * A Donkey * A Shovel * A Fish * A Star of David. They decided that this was a unique find, and that the drawings were over 3000 years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum, where archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meanings of the markings. The President of the Society stood up and pointed to the first drawing and said, "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented, and held women in high esteem. You can also tell that they were intelligent, as the next symbol represents a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals to help them till the soil.
The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby food wouldn't grow, then they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be a Star of David, which means they were evidently Hebrews. The audience applauded enthusiastically. Suddenly, an old man stood up in the back of the room and said "You idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass On That Woman!"
#10 Does this come in children's sizes?
#9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing…
#8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
#7 Mom will love this.
#6 Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
#5 No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
#4 Will you model this for me???
#3 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
#2 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
#1 _ Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that.
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a classic Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5000, and the interest, which is $15.41.
The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5000?" The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for $15.41?".
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "So how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language... things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home...PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed - they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook....
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from? "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to? "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?," he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color."
The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue." Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"
This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!"
Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?"
The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."
Do you have a giggle to share with the class? Drop me an email and we'll try to add it.
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