My Angel Babies

When did I know that I wanted to grow up and be a MOMMY? For as long as I can remember. I was the neighborhood girl that was always called to babysit. I can remember when I lived in Alvin, Texas and babysat for the family that lived next door. Their youngest was named Frankie Lynn and everyone in the neighborhood remembered Frankie Lynn coming through the yard crying Mommy Mommy and she was wanting me not her real mommy. I can remember helping raise everyone's children, only to have them go off and leave me because after all I was just the babysitter. I graduated from High School, went a year to college and then my dad had the chance to work in Scotland. I was given the chance to go there for a year. Wow, overseas compared to staying here in the states. Well of course, Scotland won. Stayed there a year and then came back to the states. Worked for Harris County Sheriff's Dept for almost two years and then joined the United States Air Force. While in the Air Force, I found out some terrible news pertaining to me becoming a mother. I had a hormone imbalance and the only way to fix it was to have a pump implanted that would give me hormones 24 hours a day and there would still be no guarentee to having a baby. So at that time I made up my mind that I would never be a "mommy". In 1987 I finished my contract with the U.S. Air Force and got my discharge and headed home to East Texas. In November 1988, I met a boy that I thought I loved and when he asked me to marry him - I said yes. Well we got married in February 1989 and it went downhill from there. He had a problem of not being committed. He wanted to be married but also have fun. Well after two months I walked out and moved back home to my parents' home. The only thing is I took something with me that I was unaware of. I was pregnant. I did not know I was pregnant. I was late but that didn't alarm me because of the hormone imbalance that wasn't unusual. But one weekend I was cramping and hurting so bad that my father told me to go to the ER. I refused saying that why should I go and have them tell me that I was just starting my period. About two hours after my parents' left to go back to Dallas I miscarried my little angel on July 9, 1989 at approximately 8 weeks. I named her Bailey Nicole. It hurt emotionally but I was also happy. I proved the doctor wrong. I could get pregnant. Well my husband and I tried off and on to make the marriage work and around Christmas 1989 we were together and it resulted in another pregnancy. I miscarried Chase Allen on February 26, 1990 at 10 weeks. Our marriage became officially over on June 14, 1991. I swore I would never get married again. I dated off and on but still had no intentions of getting married. I met Doug in 1993 and within two months he knew he wanted to get married. I ran!!!!!!!! I broke up with him for about a year at which time I realized what I was missing. We got back together and when he proposed in February 1994, I said yes. I explained to him that we would probably never have children and he was okay with that. We were both 37 years old and seemed to handle it well. We got married on April 8, 1994 and within 4 months we were pregnant. I did a home test on Labor Day 1994 and it was positive. All through the pregnancy I expected to lose Kayla. In November the doctor wanted me to have an amniocentesis due to age and history. I had it done and the results were: Kayla was a normal baby girl. I already knew she was a girl. It was a gut feeling. The rest of my pregnancy was uneventful and come the first of May 1995, my OB doctor said we could continue to let nature take it's course or he could induce me. I wanted Kayla in my arms. So we decided on the induction. May 9, 1995 at 3:05pm Kayla was born. At this time, since Kayla's pregnancy was wonderful, I knew I wanted one more child. So when Kayla was seven months old we tried again, and within four months I was pregnant again. On February 14, 1996, Kayla was competing in a local baby pageant and I started spotting. I was sure that the end was coming. By Friday night I was cramping, bleeding heavily and passing what appeared to be tissue. Doug took me to the ER and the OB on duty concurred with us that I was passing tissue. An emergency D & C was performed. He sent me home that same night. I cried and cried for the loss of that pregnancy. I had a follow up appointment the next week with my regular OB and he said that the tissue report showed no product of conception and he was afraid that I might have an ectopic pregnancy so he had a serum HCG (blood pregnancy test) drawn and he would call with the results. This was on a Thursday and by Friday afternoon I had not heard from him so I figured he was wrong and everything was okay. That weekend Doug and I went on long walks and just spent time together. I was handling the loss very good. Well on Monday morning, my doctor called and said my blood result showed I was still pregnant and I needed to get to his office as soon as possible. I had a nine month old baby to take care of and find somewhere for her to stay so he told me as long as I was there shortly after lunch but not to eat anything. We got over there at lunch time and he had us admitted to the hospital. He informed us that he would to a laproscopy and if it was a tubal pregnancy he would have to remove it. I was devastated. I had already come to terms of losing my baby to miscarriage and now he was talking of "taking" my baby. I couldn't handle him "taking" my living baby. But by the time he went in to my belly, the tube had ruptured and my little Eric Michael was in heaven on February 26, 1996. I was approximately 7 weeks along. BABY TEARS We cried tears when we learned that a child would be, that God had allowed you to quicken in me. We cried tears with our loved ones as the shared in our joy, and we thought about names for a girl or a boy. I cried tears as I thought of the things that we'd do, all the things that your Daddy would pass on to you. And I cried tears as I thought of each inch you had grown, as I pondered the day that you'd make yourself known. Then to think of the world you must enter brought fears. Once again, little loved one, your mother cried tears. Something's wrong, I can tell - once again there are tears, and I'll not get a chance of your love through the years. Oh the ache and the sorrow and all of the pain, and again, yes again, my tears fell like rain. Then his peace comes to me as I think of your there, gently rocking with the Father, in His favorite chair. Your sweet little fingers clenched tight in His palm and His Son softly singing to help keep you calm. Our Father knew, your days before they came to be, and he knew, little one, you would not stay with me. So, I cry but I know that when this life is done, I will greet and embrace you my sweet little one. There is a time to be born, and a time to die, and the joy and the sorrow both make us cry! Conni Johnson At the follow up visit, my OB doctor said there was nothing wrong with getting pregnant again but it might take longer to get pregnant due to him having to remove my right tube. Well we tried and yes it took twice as long to get pregnant again. Four months of trying I was pregnant again. Unfortunately I lost Madison Lynne at 7 weeks on August 23, 1996. I decided I wouldn't try again but around November, I told Doug I wanted a baby for Christmas-and just like that I was pregnant. I was followed closely by a different OB. And in January 1997, I went in to hear the heartbeat during a regular OB visit and there was no heartbeat. The doctor asked if I was sure about dates-I WAS!!!!!!!!! Well he sent me to the hospital for a more defined ultrasound and we found the baby but no heart beat. I was 13 weeks and devastated. I didn't even ask for the ultrasound picture, now I wish I had. He scheduled me for a D & C on January 13, 1997, which would be the day after my 40th birthday but it wasn't the way it turned out. I started miscarrying on the 11th so the day before my birthday the performed the D&C and that was the end to Taylor Lee. I definitely knew I didn't want to be pregnant again-I couldn't handle the loss again, but I refused to have my tube tied. I couldn't stand not being able to get pregnant again and decided that if it was in God's plan I would get pregnant and carry to term. But that wasn't the way it turned out. I ended up pregnant for the seventh time and it also ended in a miscarriage when I was 8 weeks along. Kyle David decided to leave us on August 23, 1997,while I was at the 4-H Banquet. I think with the loss of Kyle, I knew that Kayla was going to be my only child. It has now been 4 1/2 years and no other pregnancy has resulted. I did not have my other tube tied and do not practice any form of birth control. I figured God knows what is best for me. It is always in my heart and mind that I would love to have another baby but doubt it happening. So I give Kayla and extra hug and kiss and think of my angels regularly. I'm An Angel Now One night I cried to Jesus as I sat beneath the tree, I looked into the open sky and hoped he'd answer me. I'm lost, dear Lord, I've traveled far but still I seem to roam, Please light the way and lead me, Lord; I need to get back home. I told Him of my burdens and of the sadness in my heart, That from his gracious love I'd never felt so apart. Why did you take my child, Lord? I cannot understand! No longer can I touch his face or hold his tiny hand. I'm angry Lord. I'm missing him. I'm drowning in my sorrow. Please help me to heal my yesterday and face each new tomorrow. It was then I heard his gentle voice and felt his presence near. How I wanted to hold him as I cried another tear. He said, "Mommy, I'm an angel now. my spirit will be free. I'm an angel now in heaven, so please don't cry of me. I was chosen by the Lord above and now I'm in His care. When you need me, look inside your heart. I promise to be there. No one can ever take away our bond with one another. For I'll always be your special child as you will always be my mother. So if you cannot find your way or the road to home seems far, Just look up the Heavens and I'll be your guiding star." He said, "Mommy, I'm an angel now, my spirit will be free, I'm an angel now in Heaven--no need to cry for me." Janice Grogan MOMMY AND DADDY Please don't be so sad, I miss you so much, too. It's beautiful here where I am, but I worry a lot about you. I sleep with angels watching me, there's only love up here. I'm never lonely of afraid 'cause God's so very near. I walk with angels every day, they're very kind and sweet. Don't woorry, Mom and Dad, they hold my hand when we cross a golden street. I never cry or hurt myself, I see rainbows every day. I play and laugh and sing a lot, and I hear you both when you pray. Please Mommy and Daddy, don't be mad at God, you see, he loves me, too. And even though you're not with me, I'm really still with you. Author Unknown People Don't Understand People don't understand... why I miss you so much... they've never had a baby... they could not touch. I never got to hear you cry... dry the tears from your face... or watch mommy dress you up... in clothes made from lace. To hold you once... on my chest while you sleep... I long for that moment... it's hard not to weep. To hear your giggle... count your fingers and toes... do up your hair... with ribbons and bows. Oh the longing at times... is selfish I know... people wonder about me... when there is nothing to show. But we know you're there... awaiting the day... when God brings us home... forever we'll stay. We miss you...you see... the reason for this... just thought you should know... we send up a kiss. Until then God promised to keep you... safe and warm in his lap... then it's forever... on my chest you will nap. Author Unknown