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Original Redneck Jokes that I have found surfing the web
The Best You
might be a redneck if...
1.You've ever put a dead snake
in the road to watch cars stop and run over it several times.
2.Every time you see a roadsign
that says "DIP" you reach in your back pocket.
3.You've ever had Thanksgiving
dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
4.You have to throw down a rope
ladder to get out of your truck.
5.You have to hit the dashboard in
your truck to get the lights and radio to work.
6.The tires on your pick-up are
taller than your children.
7.The duct tape on your car seat
sticks to your butt when you get out.
8.Shopping for dinner involves an
orange vest.
9.Your school dress code contains
the line "Shoes Optional".
10.You've ever worn hunter's orange to
church.
11.You have barnyard animals living in
your house.
12.Every pair of jeans you own has a
tobacco can ring worn in one of the rear pockets.
13.Your truck has a bumper sticker that
reads, "Gun control is a steady hand."
14.Your wife has ever torn her hose on
the boogers stuck under the front of the pickup seat.
15.You have ever had a special loaded
gun by the back door only for use on possums.
16.You have ever shot a possum on your
porch.
17.You don't use a garbage service
because it must be placed up near the mail box and you can't see
far enough thru the
trees to shoot the
neighbors' dogs when they get into it.
18.You only go to the dump when you have
enough to fill up the pickup.
19.You have more than 500 rounds of
ammunition in your house....not including 22 caliber.
20.You have guns in your house that you
cannot find.
21.You think a night of fine dining is
going to the Snack Bar at Wal-Mart while the automotive
department is raising your
truck another 8
inches.
22.You think Wal-Mart is expensive.
23.You've got more guns "On
Display" than Wal-Mart Sporting Goods.
24.You have ever written a check for
less than a dollar.
25.Your horse wears shoes, but you
don't.
26.It doesn't bother you when you walk
through a barn barefooted.
27.You name your twin boys Jack and
Daniel.
28.You ask your 10-year old son how to
spell a word.
29.Your dog is your alarm clock.
30.Your wife gets a hunting license so
you can tag your second buck.
31.You have all the "Dukes of
Hazzard" episodes on tape.
32.You can give a summary of all the
"Dukes of Hazzard" episodes.
33.You think that Roe v. Wade is a
decision you make when crossing the creek.
34.It takes you and 31 others in the
same room to show off a full set of teeth.
35.You've ever stood outside a K-mart
for more than an hour arguing with the manager about the shirt
and shoes law.
36.You've ever gone Christmas shopping
at the dollar store.
37.You think the tobacco companies have
done nothing wrong.
38.You've ever shoplifted Spam.
39.You don't understand why Bo and Luke
never tried to get it on with Daisy.
40.Your son has ever stolen disected
frogs from Biology class so that your family won't go hungry.
41.You prefer the Sears catolog to
Charmin.
42.Your blood alcohol content has ever
exceeded your I.Q.
43.You think deer hunting should be an
olympic sport.
44.You have a set of 16 matching salad
bowls, and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
45.You have to call the police more than
once a week to remove your drunk mother-in-law from your front
lawn.
46.Your name is Billy Joe Jim Bob III.
47.You ever spent the night in the bed
of your truck rather than paying for a motel room.
48.None of your zippers have all their
teeth either.
49.You are driving the car you were
conceived in.
50.You've ever used scissors on food.
51.You've ever re-used a paper plate.
52.Smith and Wesson attended your
wedding without an invitation and there was nothing you could do
about it.
53.When you hear someone talking about
the king you don't know whether they're talking about Elvis or
Richard Petty.
54.You complain about the ban on assault
weapons because it make half your guns illegal.
55.You use a pig for a garbage disposal.
56.You can't go to church this year
because your Sunday socks are being used as the truck's gas cap.
57.You think the vowels are
E..I..E..I..O.
58.You clean your car or truck out with
a leaf blower.
59.Your tackle box contains dynamite and
blasting caps.
60.You have the policeman hold your beer
while you get your license.
61.You gave your young son a
super-soaker water gun and an NRA application for his birthday.
62.You smoke during your deer hunt after
scent-proofing yourself all month.
63.A tornado goes through your trailer's
yard and makes it look neater.
64.You've got to shuck your toilet paper
before you use it.
65.You have an autographed picture of
Bob Barker in your wallet.
66.You think "Meals on Wheels"
is another name for roadkill.
67.You spell fertilizer with only 4
letters.
68.You shot your own 12 point coat rack.
69.You've ever slam-shifted a tractor.
70.You've been to the emergency room
more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb tack.
71.The number of times you've seen
either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q.
72.Any of your neighbors has ever spent
Halloween night at the bottom of a hole because you moved their
outhouse back
about four feet.
73.You've ever lost a dog to a bush hog.
74.You've ever been arrested for a DUI
on a riding lawn mower.
75.You keep your teeth and your goldfish
in the same glass.
76.On average, one out of every thirty
words you use can be found in a dictionary.
77.Your favorite NASCAR souvenir came
from a wreck in turn 3.
78.You have shot more than 1 TV set.
79.You did not feel bad when Bambi's
mother was killed. You have ever stopped traffic in order to get
a baseball cap off
the road. Your
preacher has to spit after every two sentences.
80.You have ever successfully talked
your way out of a speeding ticket by arguing that your vehicle is
not capable of
exceeding the speed
limit.
81.Your parents don't eat together
because they share one pair of dentures.
82.You think rasslin' is real and the
Moon Landing was filmed in a desert.
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