stan's journal   Nov 25/97 I feel so incredibly sick.  I ate lunch today at school.  Well,  not AT school,  a friend and i went shopping during our spare that went into the lunch hour.  We stopped at Pizza Delight and i ate lunch.  Bad idea.  I felt so increadibly sick.  I just hate having food in my stomach.  I was freaking out during my class after lunch,  so i went to the washroom and threw up.  This was one of the only times I've thrown up at school.  Ugh, i feel like such trash. What bothers me the most about today,  is that i was feeling pretty good about myself.  I wore a shirt that people always compliment,  I had some makeup on (!!!) ,  a silver arm band,  i felt ok about myself.  I even had short sleeves on,  something i rarey do as I have a lot of scars on my arms.  I just cant eat. I feel so bad. Nov 28/97 arg!  I am having such an arguement with myself.  One part of my brain is saying 'hungry!  Stan is hungry!  Feed Stan!'  and then another part of my brain says  ' Hell no!  Food is bad!  you will get fatter.  Stan hates food.  Food makes Stan barf'   I just wanna smack both parts of my brain and the go and listen to the rational part that says   ' Stan,  you really need to eat,  just a little bit at a time, your body will be so happy to get actual iron and protien . pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese stan,  people who dont eat will die ' I wish the rational part of my brain were just a wee bit bigger and more influential on my stupider brain parts.    December 5 1997 My dad is doing some sort of family togethernes campaign with in my home. It sucks.  We are NOT a 'togetherness'  family.  I came home from school today and he had made me this kraft dinner crap,  and was like  "here!" *big grin*  Now,  I hate it when they cook for me,  especially when no one asked me first,  hate it.  So was there being all pround of himself,  and i said,  uhh,  thanks,  feeling sick at the mere idea of eating.  At this point he got MAD AT ME!  Blah blah blah,  i slave over the stove type thing,  and i said,  Look,  I didnt WANT anything ok?  dont yell at me because YOU are upset.  growl.  So frustrating. But i ended up eating,  and when i went to the bathroom to throw up....i found that i coulnt.  I am feeling really sick today,  that might be why. But it was like I just didnt have the energy to do it.  So I'm feeling increadibly fat as of now.  And i probably wont eat tomorrow.