well,
today i feel not-so-bad about myself. i am trying to drink lots of
water, because you're supposed to drink lots of water, right? and
i'm exercising....even though i don't feel up to it...but you're supposed
to, right?
and
today so far, i've been eating ok...too little, in fact..but no binging,
at least. i'm too embarrassed to go out with lee and his friends,
because of the way i look. i KNOW i'm not that bad....but i am so
aware of how hideous i feel. there is this girl who comes in the
store where i work...she is so beautiful...she must weigh about 350 lbs....and
she is so incredibly beautiful. you can just TELL that she's not
self conscious about her weight. i wanna be that girl. i wanna
feel like that. i want to be confident, all the time.
i'm off to do situps now. can't wait til i feel good enough about
myself to join the gym again.
december 1/97
setting:
my spare bedroom (aka andy the iguana's bedroom)
time:
this morning
weather:
overcast, with a 15 % chance of precipitation
what
was occurring: lisa, on her exercise bike (the old rusty one she
picked
up at a yard sale....the one with the seat that oh-so-uncomfortably
slants
to the left....), reading a magazine article on Wynnona Judd (why?
we dunno)...listening
to 'Cotton Eye Joe'....
and....she
ate breakfast today!!!
rice
krispies (actually...the cheaper generic store brand 'Krisp Rice')
with
soy milk (damn you, lactose!) and 2 glasses of water....
i'm going to make up for yesterday's binge....
i was
great up until we went out for supper....(to the White Spot! woohoo!)
i CANNOT
eat in a restaurant w/o running to the bathroom the second i put
down
my fork to get rid of it...
even
if it was a salad w/o dressing...i still HAVE to get rid of it....
does
anyone else do this? have you figured out a solution to it?
so i
got rid of my supper.
then,
i came home, and started binging AGAIN.
everything.
i even
ate an entire jar of salsa. yup, just salsa.
getting
rid of it every 10 minutes or so, then filling up again.
even
my iguana was guarding his dish ("no, andy, i really don't want to
snack
on your alfalfa and squash")...
dec 5/97
well, i DO indeed keep a journal
every single day. i only put here what is remotely interesting.
there. well...it's interesting to me...
i weighed in two nights ago....i
GAINED a pound. i'd been frantic all day, at the thought of weighing
in. eating, then purging, then weighing myself. i hate myself
so much sometimes. my psychiatrist is doing her best to get me into
the eating disorders clinic sooner. i've been on the waiting list
for a LONG time now.
yesterday was a bad day for
eating too....but i left home without eating enough....was at my parents'
store...so i started shoving food into my face at one point. then
i thought, 'the hell with it'...and stuffed my face some more. i
actually avoided weighing myself yesterday. i DID get a lot of exercise,
though. yesterday was definitely a 'failure day'...though i shouldn't
think in those terms... today will be better. today so far
i've had non fat yogurt, and coffee. "please, lisa, don't screw
it up today. please."
december 13/97
i have GOT to start doing more
journal entries. today has been very good overall...eatingwise...bingingwise....MOODwise...
i had a sudden burst of energy
and got Lee to help me with weight training exercises...that gave me even
more energy, so i went on the exercise bike for 1/2 hour. after that
was supper. i made mini pizzas...was only going to have one...made
with low fat cheese, by the way. but....i ate two. and, my
stomach can't handle that. i have to get rid of it. i will
try to get rid of only a little...but is the first (and only, i hope!)
purge of the day. so....today i have eaten a tiny bowl of cream of
wheat and oat bran, an apple muffin, some pretzels, a small non fat banana
yogurt, and the two mini pizzas. oh, and a mocha. i may have
some light egg nog before i go to bed.
the last few days i have felt
so positive...feeling a bit better about myself, i think. this week
is sure better than last week. i found a 'diet plan' in a magazine....has
a menu for each day of the month...i am going to adapt it for myself and
print it out....it'll give me something to stick to. that seems to
really help me. i want to add.... I FEEL GOOD!!!
:)
december
22/97
sorry it's been a while. for those of you who are following this. i got sick, dehydrated...too much laxative abuse, landed in the hospital. got straightened out a bit. am now more resolved to fight this stupid eating disorder. i see my pdoc again tomorrow. i haven't eaten all day, and now i desperately want to binge. am i hungry? is that why? how do you know if you are hungry? i need to get back on track. need to exercise more. will go on exercise bike tonight. however, i also want to walk down to the store to buy binge food...but that'd sort of defeat the purpose, right? and i only have $2 anyway.... if i'm desperate to binge, i'll rip open the box of Turtles i just wrapped for one of lee's xmas presents.... :P