A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.  What denomination?” Asked the clerk. “Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman. “Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones.”

     On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, “Well, I guess we won’t have a service today.” The farmer replied: “Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding  time, I feed it.”

      During a children’s sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what “Amen” means. A little boy raised his hand and said: “It means  Tha-tha-tha-that’s all  folks!’ “

     A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer?
"3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7”.

     I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me,  grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. “Mommy, what happened to him?” the little boy asked. "He died and went to  Heaven,” I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, “And God threw him  back down?”

      Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?” I said, “God tells me.” Jeffy
said, “Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?”
 
     My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?” I wouldn’t know what to say,” she replied. “Just say what you hear Mommy say,” my wife said.  Our daughter bowed her head and said: “Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

They Really Said It...

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar AssociationLawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. “Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
2. "Were you present when your picture was taken?”
3.  'Were you alone or by yourself?”
4. “Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?”
5. “Did he kill you?”
6. “You were there until the time you left, is that true?”
7.    Q: “So the date of conception (of the baby) was   August 8th?”
        A: “Yes.”
        Q: “And what were you doing at that time?”
8.     Q: “She had three children, right?”
         A: “Yes.”
         Q: “How many were boys?”
          A: “None.”
         Q: “Were there any girls?”
9.      Q: “Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate
 honeymoon, didn’t you?”
       A: “I went to Europe, Sir.”
       Q: “And you took your new wife?”
10.  Q: “How was your first marriage terminated?”
       A: “By death.”
       Q: “And by who’s death was it terminated?”
11.  Q: “Can you describe the individual?”
       A: “He was about medium height and had a beard.”
       Q: “Was this a male, or a female?”
12.  Q: “Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your  attorney?”
       A: “No, this is how I dress when I go to work.”
13.  Q: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
       A: “All my autopsies are performed on dead people.”
14.  Q: “You were not shot in the fracas?”
       A: “No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.”
15.  Q: “Are you qualified to give a urine sample?”
       A: “I have been since early childhood.”
16.  Q: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
       A: “No.”
       Q: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
       A: “No.”
       Q: “Did you check for breathing?”
       A: “No.”
       Q: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
       A: “No.”
       Q: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
       A: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
       Q: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
       A: “It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”
 
God, Bless This Food...
    Seems a pastor from Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting in he mountains.  As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle flying in one direction and breaking both his legs. As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out
in desperation, “Lord, I’m sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! Lord, please make that bear a Christian.” Suddenly the bear skidded to a halt at the pastor’s feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, “God, bless this food which I am about to eat.”  (Contributed by Patty Bell)
 

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