Wonder what you've got on your hard drive, RIGHT NOW?
Click here to see what you've cluttered up your system with....
Off the Wall
Red Necks and Police
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat". "What fer?", asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch".
David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I., after
allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest
four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES,
weighed several pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his
getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.
Drug possession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in
Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The
prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in
Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher,
who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He
handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet
of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute
recess to compose himself.
Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso
from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all
of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana.
They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas
company on the side of the truck.
Oklahoma City... Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a
convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his
lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was
doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified
that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of
lying and then said, "I should of blown your [expletive] head off." The
defendant paused, then quickly added, "-if I'd been the one that was
there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30
year sentence.
R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing
their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit
neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer's asked
him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin give them his driver's
license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they
arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed Gaitlin was
wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
A true story out of San Francisco: It seems a man, wanting to rob a
downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a
stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line,
waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone
had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached
the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the
street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed
his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his
spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told
him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written
on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill
out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking
somewhat defeated, the man said "Ok" and left. The Wells Fargo teller
then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he
was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Also from San Francisco: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an
automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and
photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and
a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a
photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the
police that contained another picture...of handcuffs.
Call in the city, man phone off hook, niece tried to call him, thought something was wrong. She called 911, the fire dept got there incase they had to break down the door to access. The man thought someone was breaking into the apt, he is yelling for help, the fire dept thought he was in big trouble somehow, and broke down the door, well the man was scared to death, here is all the firemen and ems in his apt with axes in hand, the story was, he just woke up from a nap and did not put the phone on the hook properly.
From A Miami Courtroom When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write, 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."
True Story in NYC Area!
You get this call... CALLER - "Do you have the phone # for __________ ?" YOU - "Yup, it's..." CALLER - "Oh wait, let me get a pen." CALLER - "I wanna file a report!" YOU - "I'll have someone stop out shortly." CALLER - "But I'm gonna be leaving?" You automatically say "10-4" to a car, and then realize that you have no idea what you just said or who you said it to? Ever answer the phone at home "Dispatch"? Mom's waited this long to report her daughter as a runaway; and only after the officer's been to the house, spent an hour on the paperwork, and you've JUST entered it, does Mom call to say "she came home about 45 min ago". What do you think of a person who calls dispatch and says, is this an a Em phone? I really did not mean to call it, but what is the number to the Court House, or Humane Society, or how far it is to where you are, and they are in three states away. Put them on hold for about 5 mins come back and tell them, have no idea, your not even in my state. Just some thoughts Have any more good one's E-mail me!
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes and the girl was among the group. The police had all the prostitutes line up. The girls grandma came by, and saw her granddaughter. Not willing to let her know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that some people were passing out free oranges and she was lining up for some. Grandma wanted some oranges too, so she went to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and asked, "You are so old, how do you do it?" "Oh, its easy. I just take my dentures out and suck them dry."
New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
A Emergency Call! True Story! A rather naive dispatcher on the North channel was dispatching a call in a rural area, of a male subject in front of a residence harrassing the complainant. Another dispatcher was relaying further information from the calltaker (before the CAD days), and in his own way was trying to let the dispatcher know the subject had started masturbating, his exact words were, Lorraine, the guy's choking his chicken." Poor girl immediately got visions of animal cruelty, and repeated those words on the air for all to hear. One of the responding units asked, "He's doing what???" As she repeated it, we all informed her what she had said. At the close of the call, one of the responding units told her the chicken was ok.
You Might Be A Dispatcher If.........
You have the bladder capacity of five people
You get impatient listening to others relate a story--you want "just the facts"
You believe 90% of people can't look up a telephone number
Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery with injuries resulting in a high-speed chase
You get easily bored with happy,content people
You have perfected the phrase "I pay taxes,too"
You can talk on the phone, listen to the radio and type a request into the computer at the same time without missing anything
You think it's funny when a regular "client" accidently kills himself trying to break into a business
You can give directions to any location in town off the top of your head
You refuse to relate to people who Call 911 and say, I did not know I called an emergeny line, What is your non-emergency number
You can relate a 10 minute story over a two hour time period,after many interruptions,without losing your place
You see stress as a normal state of life
You refuse to allow anyone to say "Have a quiet shift"
Your friends and neighbors call you for legal advice
You can give anyone the exact address of every bar in your juridiction
You question the motives of anyone who makes an effort to get to know you after they learn your profession
You know the phone number of every restaurant or business that delivers food, especially late at night
You view caffeine as one of the major nutritional minerals
You have a boss that "Knows so Much,"Tells you what to do,Yet when he sits at the Console he does not know how to operate it
You answer your home phone "911 what's your ememgency?"
You know your work and what you are doing, and some stupid S.O.B changes the S.O.P's again
You think pizza,cookies and a Coke are a balanced meal
You tell cops and fireman where to go and get away with it
You spell everything phonetically
You can only tell time with a 24-hour clock
You acknowledge your family's remarks with the time
Say, or whisper, or even think the word "quiet" and you are gonna be busy.
The size and duration of an emergency will be proportionate to the amount of liquid just consumed.
The moment you need DOT/CIB/NCIC files, they will be down for an unknown reason and and unknown amount of time.
The printer will jam just as multiple plates, DL's and warrant checks are called.
When you really need a pen or a pencil, the last one will have vanished under mysterious circumstances having something to do with statement forms.
The chair and work station are always adjusted to fit someone twice your height and impossibly long legs and arms.
Put on a clean uniform and you will spill on it before shift's end.
Get up to heat a cup of coffee, or take a bite of food and the phone will ring.
People will be good and rude to you until they see someone behind you with a gun.
Priority calls generally come in as you are on another line dealing with Mrs. Greeley's cat up a tree.....AGAIN!!!
Don't take the time to pack lunch or a snack and you will be so busy you can only dream of walking to the veding machines.
Your eyeballs will be yellow you need to go so bad but when you get to the bathroom your body asks your mind, "What was it we wanted in here?"
AND THE BIG ONE!That thing about the full and new moon, and crazy people? IT IS NOT A MYTH!
A Real Call
A woman called and said she was 95 years old, chest pains and trouble breathing,
The Dispatcher said "respond for a medical emergency to....address... for a 95 year old female, chest pains and difficulty breeding"!
Not once but twice it was said!
Got to wonder what was going thru that Dispatchers Mind when she said that!
Things You NEVER Say To A Police Officer!
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job!
5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
7. Bad Cop! No donut!
8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
11. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
12. I pay your salary!
13. So, Uh, you on the take, or what?
14. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last Officer only gave me a warning, too!
15. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
16. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around---that's how far ahead of me they are.
17. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
18. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, and forcing me to speed out of control.
19. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire
department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire
proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so
someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though
there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They
drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames.
The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying
water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire,
breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.
The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and
so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer
fire department with a check for $1000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department
planned to do with the funds.
"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is
get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."
1) When visiting Louisiana, remember that it is illegal to gargle in public...you can do just about anything else in public, but NO gargling!
2) And be careful that you do not get caught shaving while driving in Massachusetts or you'll be in real trouble.
3) If you're going to be driving through Utah, be alert because the birds have the right of way on the state highways.
4) And walking down the streets of Maine with your shoes strings untied is also illegal.
5) Oh, and in Atlanta, not only is it illegal to tie your giraffe to a telephone pole but if you get caught dressing a mannequin without shutting the window shades, you could be in big trouble.
6) When in Nebraska, keep in mind not to spit against wind because not only is it messy, its also illegal.
7) Eating out in Connecticut became so much more pleasant once the law requiring restaurateurs to provide separate nose-blowing and non-nose-blowing sections, went into effect.
8) And if you decide to order cherry pie while eating in Kansas, don't waste your time asking it to be served with a scoop of ice-cream on top... it's against the law.
9) In California, its against the law to peel an orange in your hotel room.... I guess it's ok to peel it in the hallway & then go into your room.
10) If you're planning to do any fishing while visiting Chicago, be sure you don't do it in your pajamas or you might spend the rest of your vacation in jail.
11) And if you're going to set a fire under your mule, don't do it in Ohio. Yep, its against the law. Can you believe it?
12) Whistling under water will result in more than getting water in your nose, it will also get you put in jail if you do it in Vermont.
13) And while you and your beloved spouse are enjoying the Florida sun, don't throw dishes if you happen to have a little disagreement with each other. If you break more than 3 a day, you could spend the rest of your vacation eating off of metal trays in the county jail.
We're not the only ones with the wacky laws. If you're planning a trip out of the country be aware that....
14) It is illegal to land a flying saucer in the vineyards of France.
And last but not least, 15) if you take ill while in Iceland, never seek medical help from anyone who's shingle reads: "Scottulaejnir". You see, ANYONE, can practice medicine in Iceland as long as they display this sign. Loosely translated it means, "Quack Doctor".
A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding a toy fire truck down the street. The truck was being pulled by a Labrador Retriever. The rope was tied around the dog's privates, and as a consequence, the truck was going very slowly. A man walking down the street noticed how slowly the boy was being pulled and gently said to him, "You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog's neck." The boy nodded in agreement and said, "But then there wouldn't be a siren."
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. "Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test." Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me???!!!"
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
, __ Baltimore K-9 The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it's superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a woman had been shocked to find her house ran- sacked and burglarized. She telephoned the po- lice at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 officer patrolling nearby was first on the scene. As he approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!"
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going to fast,to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass".
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket - went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"
NEW JOKES~SOME ABOUT FIREMEN :) 1) 3 Firefighter goes ice fishing, getting out on the ice they set up a shack and proceed to chop a hole in the ice with an ax... out of nowhere they hear in a booming voice " THERE ARE NO FISH THERE ". Looking at each other they take down the shack move and after setting up the shack again they proceed chopping a hole in the ice.... again, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE". Again they pack up and move... then setup and proceed to chop a hole in the ice when in a booming voice they hear... "ARE YOU GUYS FIREMAN?" Awestruck, they looked at each other and yell back "YES ARE YOU GOD?" "NO, I’M THE SKATING RINK MANAGER".
2) After coming back form a 4 alarm fire.....nothing new to report captain.... "THE LOT WAS SAVED"
3) The firefighter answered the phone "Hello, Pennfield Fire Department " Yes, L have just had my front yard landscaped, I have a nice new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain, a new rose garden and a new Avery. Excuse me but what does that have to do with the fire service? Well, the house next door is on fire and I don’t want you to trample my front yard.
4) Three firefighter went out on a hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain, and a chief. The weather was miserable and they hadn’t seen any deer all day. They came across an old shack where they went inside to play a game of poker. after loosing a couple of hands, the rookie threw down his cards and said "that does it!
I am going out to get me a deer." Fifteen minutes later, the rookie came back with a nice four point buck. The captain and the chief asked, " how did you get that?" The rookie replied, I walked out fifty feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck. The captain then said, I’ve had enough of this I am going to get my deer. He came back a half hour later with a 6- point buck. the chief asked, "how did you get that?" The captain then replied, I walked out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck. The chief not wanting to be out done said " Iam out of here Iam going to bag the biggest buck of the day." He came back an hour later, all mangled up and bloody. The rookie and the captain asked, "What happened to you?" The chief replied, I walked out there five hundred feet, followed some tracks, and got hit by a Train.
5) A farmer rushed to his phone one day to report that his nearest neighbor’s house was on fire. He promptly called 911 to report the fire. In the calmest voice he could muster, he reported the fire was at his neighbor’s house two miles down the road. The dispatcher asked " how do we get there?" The farmer hesitated a few seconds then asked, " Don’t you guys have those big red trucks anymore?".
6) A fireman and a policeman died and both went to heaven where they were issued their wings with the warning that if they had even one bad thought their wings would fall off. Well, everything went well for some time then one day they passed a very attractive and well put together young lady. As the fireman turned to watch her pass his wings fell off. When he bent over to pick them up the policeman’s wings fell off.
You know you've been a paramedic a while when....1. You can actually remember how to work the "orange box" (field ems radio)
2. You had to get permission before ever starting an IV line.
3. You had to explain to others what a paramedic was.
4. You work with other medics young enough that you could have delivered them. 5. You remember the opposition to EMS by doctors and nurses as they thought you were encroaching on their territory. 6. The first rig you worked in was a Miller-Meteor Cadillac ambulance. 7. When the first training classes were about 300 hours. 8. When the worst you could fear from a needle stick was hepatitis.