A Parent's Dictionary
1) Amnesia - condition that
enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again
2) Bottle feeding - an opportunity
for Dad to get up at 2:00 am
3) Drooling - how teething
babies wash their chins
4) Dumbwaiter - one who
asks if the children would care to order dessert
5) Feedback - the inevitable
result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots
6) Full name - what you
call your child when you're mad at him/her
7) Grandparents - the people
who think your children are wonderful even though they're not sure you're
raising them right
8) Hearsay - what toddlers
do when anyone mutters a dirty word
9) Independent - how we
want our children to be as long as they do everything we say
10) Look out! - what it's
too late for your child to do by the time you scream it
11) OUCH! - the first word
spoken by children with older brothers/sisters
12) Prepared childbirth
- a contradiction in terms
13) Pre-natal - when your
life was still somewhat your own
14) Puddle - a small body
of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it
15) Show off - a child who
is more talented than yours
16) Sterilize - what you
do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's
pacifier by blowing on it
17) Temper Tantrums - what
you should keep to a minimum so as not to upset the children
18) Thunderstorms - a chance
to see how many family members can fit into one bed
19) Top bunk - where you
should never put a child wearing Superman PJ's
20) Two-minute warning -
when the baby's face turns red and they begin to make those familiar grunting
sounds
21) Verbal - able to whine
in words
22) Weaker sex - the kind
you have afterthe children have worn you out
23) Whodunit - none of the
children who live in your house
24) Whoops! - an exclamation
that translates roughly into "get a sponge"
I'VE LEARNED...
I've learned that my daddy can say
a lot of words I can't. --- age 8
I've learned that if you spread
the peas out on your plate it looks like you ate more. --- age 6
I've learned that just when I get
my room the way I like it mom makes me clean it up. ---- age 13
I've learned that you can be in
love with four girls at the same time. --age 9
I've learned that you can't hide
a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. ---age 7
I've learned that if you laugh
and drink soda pop at the same time, it will come out your nose. --- age
7
I've learned that when mommy and
daddy shout at each other it scares me. ---age 5
I've learned that when daddy kisses
me in the mornings he smells like a piece of Jolly Rancher candy. ---age
10
I've learned that when I eat fish
sticks, They help me swim faster because they're fish. ---age 7
I've learned that when I wave at
people in the country they stop what they're doing and wave back. ---age
9
I've learned that when I grow up,
I'm going to be an artist. It's in my blood. --- age 8
I've learned that you can't judge
boys by the way they look. --age 12
I've learned that if you want to
cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. ---age 13
I've learned that you should never
jump out of a second story window using a sheet for a parachute. ---age
10
I've learned that parents are very
hard to live with. ---age 12
I've learned that sometimes the
tooth fairy doesn't always come. Sometimes he's broke. --- age 8
I've learned that if you talk too
long on the phone with a girl, your parents suspect something is going
on. --- age 11
I've learned that girls sweat just
as much as boys. --- age 11
I've learned that when wearing
suspenders with one strap down, you need to be careful going to the bathroom.
--- age 10
I've learned if you put a June
bug down a girls dress, she goes crazy. ---age 6
I've learned that it always makes
me feel good to see my parents holding hands. --- age 13
I've learned that you shouldn't
confuse a black crayon with a Tootsie Roll. --- age 10
I've learned that I would like
to be a horse and live on a ranch, if only cowboys didn't wear spurs. ---age
8
I've learned that I like my teacher
because she cries when we sing "Silent Night". --- age 7
I've learned that sometimes I don't
like to play ball with daddy because he gets mad when I drop the ball.
--- age 10
I've learned that milk helps keep
your bones from bending over. ---age 7
I've learned that the teacher always
calls on me the time I don't know the answer. --- age 9
I've learned how to hold animals
without killing them. --- age 5
I've learned that when you have
three of your wild friends in the car the driver freaks. --- age 9
I've learned that gold fish don't
like jello. ---age 5
I've learned that you should say
your prayers every night. ---age 9
I've learned that the older I get
the less attention I get. ---age 6
I've learned that sometimes my
mother laughs so hard that she snorts. ---age 7
Thoughts On Motherhood
A mother may hope that her daughter will
get a better husband than she did, but she knows that her son will never
get as good a wife as his father did.
Another reason for unhappy marriages
is that men can't fool their wives like they could their mothers.
All mothers
are physically handicapped. They have only two hands.
The joys of motherhood are never fully
experienced until all the children are in bed.
Mothers can have a few minutes to themselves
at the end of the day - by doing the dishes.
Why does a mother do all she can to
help her daughter catch a man - and then cry at her wedding? There's only
one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
You Know You're a Mother When....
1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake
to make sure they're equal.
2. You have time to shave only one leg at
a time.
3. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
4. Your kid throws up and you catch it.
5. Someone else's kid throws up at a party.
You keep eating.
6. You consider finger paints to be a controlled
substance.
7. You've mastered the art of placing large
quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.
8. Your child insists that you read "Once
Upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of Grand Central Station and you do
it.
9. You cling to the high moral ground on
toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.
10. You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since
it's the only one your child eats.
11. You can't bear the thought of your son's
first girlfriend.
12. You hate the thought of his wife even
more.
13. You find yourself cutting your husband's
sandwiches into cute shapes.
14. You can't bear to give away baby clothes-it's
so final.
15. You hear your mother's voice coming out
of your mouth when you say, "NOT in your good clothes!"
16. You stop criticizing the way your mother
raised you.
17. You donate to charities in the hope that
your child won't get that disease.
18. You hire a sitter because you haven't
been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking
on the kids.
19. You use your own saliva to clean your
child's face.
20. You say at least once a day, "I'm not
cut out for this job", but you know you would't trade it for anything.
By: Liane Kupferberg Carter
PARENTAL OBSERVATIONS
-A baby usually wakes up in
the wee-wee hours of the morning.
- A child will not spill
on a dirty floor.
- A young child is a noise
with dirt on it.
- A youth becomes a man when
the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
- An unbreakable toy is useful
for breaking other toys.
- Avenge yourself; live long
enough to be a problem to your children.
- Be nice to your kids, for
it is they who will choose your nursing home.
- Celibacy is not hereditary.
- Familiarity breeds children.
- For adult education, nothing
beats children.
- God invented guilt so mothers
could be everywhere at once.
- Having children is like
having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
- Having children will turn
you into your parents.
- If a child looks like his
father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
- If you have trouble getting
your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
- Ill-bred children always
display their pest manners.
- Insanity is inherited;
you get it from your kids.
- It now costs more to amuse
a child than it once did to educate his father.
- It rarely occurs to teenagers
that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.
- Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
- Never lend your car to
anyone to whom you have given birth.
- You can learn many
things from children... like how much patience you have.
- Summer vacation is a time
when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
- The first sign of maturity
is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
- There are three ways to
get things done: 1) do it yourself 2) hire someone to do it 3) forbid your
kids to do it
- There would be fewer problems
with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
- Those who say they "sleep
like a baby" haven't got one.
- The best thing to spend
on your children is time.
MOM'S BROWNIES RECIPE
Remove teddy bear from oven
and preheat oven to 375. Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Junior "no, no." Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards. Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail. Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation. Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill. Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator. Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.
FROSTING
Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar 1 oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4 cup margarine.
Take the teddy bear out of the broiler and throw it away -- far away. Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Junior had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Junior in playpen. Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet. Tie Billy to clothesline. Remove burned brownies from oven.
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER NOTE:
This will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, lineage history, and current
medical report from a doctor of my choosing.
NAME: _________________________ DATE OF
BIRTH: ________________________ HEIGHT: ____ WEIGHT: ____ IQ: ____ GPA:
_____ BOY SCOUT RANK: __________
Do you have one MALE and FEMALE parent?
____ If "NO"explain on back of page. Number of years married? ____ Any
brothers or sisters? ____ Are they normal? ____ Do you have access to a
van? ____ A truck with oversized tires? ____ A waterbed? ____ Do you have
an earring, nose ring, or belly ring? ____ A tattoo? ____
Note: If yes to any of these questions,
discontinue application and leave premises immediatly.
In 50 words or less, what does the word "LATE"
mean to you? __________ ______________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does "Don't touch
my daughter" mean to you? ______________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does the word
"NO" mean to you? ______________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, give your definition
of "REAL PAIN". ______________________________________________________________________
Church you attend: _______________ How often do you attend? S,M,T,W,T,F,S
When would be the best time to interview
your Father, Mother and Minister? _________________________________________________________
PLEASE FILL IN THE BLANKS A) If I were shot,
the last place on my body I would want wounded would be my: _________________________________________________________________
B) If I were beaten, the last bone I would
want broken would be my: ______________________________________________________________________
C) A woman's place is in the: _________________________________________
D) The only thing I hope this application
doesn't ask: ______________________________________________________________________
E) When I meet a girl, The one thing I always
notice first in her is her: ________________________________________________________________________
Note:If the answer in "E" involves a body part, leave the premises now,
keep your head down low and run in a serpentine fashion as fast as you
can.
F) What do you want to be if you grow up?
____________________________
I swear that all of the above information
is corrrect to the best of my knowledge under the penalty of death, bodily
harm, disemberment, texture or natural abuse.
Signature of applicant: ___________________________________
Signature of Father: ___________________________________
Signature of Mother: ___________________________________
Signature of Minister: ___________________________________
Signature of State Rep: ___________________________________
Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4-6 weeks for processing. You will be contacted in writing if approved. If denied, please never apply again. Don't call me! I'll call you!
Things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding)
There is no such thing as child-proofing your
house.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and
run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A four-years-old's voice is louder than 200
adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan
the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing underwear
and a Superman cape.
It is, however, strong enough to spread paint
on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs up when the
ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have
to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't
stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words
Uh-oh, it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke,
and lots of it.
A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint
rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even
on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while
wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to
fill a 2000 sq foot house four inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract
of a four-year-old.
Duplos will not.
"Play Dough" and "Microwave" should never
be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we don't
want to know.
Ditto Tarzan.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming
pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even
though TV commercials show that they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when
driving.
You do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it
on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in San Diego has at least
a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does
not make earth worms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when
dizzy.
Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
A good sense of humor will get you through
most problems in life (although mostly in retrospect).
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