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~*~ Giggles ~*~
Okay.. here's your warning.... I have a twisted sense of humor. Some of these jokes are
a little on the warped, disgusting, or dirty side!! *grin* Beware!!
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him.
While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts
on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend
says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I
lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor,
"be a little more specific." The woman touched her
right knee with her index finger and yelled,
"Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left
cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."
Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts",
she cried. The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment
and, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Why, yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."
My wife and I have structured conversations: firstly, she gives me her opinion, then she gives me my opinion.
A woman went to the police station with her next-door neighbor
to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for
a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark
eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is
soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door
neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald,
has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied,
"Yes, but who wants that one back?"
NEWS FLASH!
the energizer bunny died two days ago, an emergency autopsy was performed. It showed
signs of cardiac arrest due to over sexual over-stimulation. evidently somebody put his
batteries in backwards and he just kept coming, and coming and coming.
There was a married couple who were in a terrible
accident. The woman's face was burned severely.
The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any
skin from her body because she was so thin.
The husband then donated some of his skin, however,
the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks.
The husband requested that no one be told of this, because
after all this was a very delicate matter! After the surgery
was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new
beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before!
Alone with her husband one day, she said,
"Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me!
There is no way I could ever repay you!" He replied,
"Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time
your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!"
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but
especially by two shiny, silvery walls that could move
apart and back together again. The boy asked his father,
"What is this, Father?" The father responded,
"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life,
and I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed,
an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving
walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the
lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small
circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the
reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a
beautiful 24 year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
A proctologist is sick of hassles of medical practice,
and decides to retire. He has enough money that he doesn't
have to work, but he wants to stay busy. He is an avid
motorcyclsit so he decides to become a motorcycle mechanic.
He enrolls in motorcycle repair course. At the end of
the course he gets a letter from the teacher saying
that he is the first student ever to get a grade of
150% on the final exam. He calls the teacher for an
explanation of why his grade was the best ever.
The teacher says "You disassembled the motor
quickly and efficiently--that was 50%. You reassembled it
quickly and it started immediately--that was another 50%.
The final extra 50% was because you were the first
student to do these things while putting your hands
through the tailpipe.
A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister,
and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.
"Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of
fertilization. That is when God instills the spark
of life into the fetus." "We believe," said the minister,
"that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby
becomes an individual and is capable of making its own
decisions and must learn about sin." "You've both got
it wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children
have graduated from college and moved out of the house..."
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him.
While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts
on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend
says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I
lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor,
"be a little more specific." The woman touched her
right knee with her index finger and yelled,
"Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left
cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."
Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts",
she cried. The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment
and, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Why, yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."
My wife and I have structured conversations: firstly, she gives me her opinion, then she gives me my opinion.
A woman went to the police station with her next-door neighbor
to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for
a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark
eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is
soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door
neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald,
has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied,
"Yes, but who wants that one back?"
NEWS FLASH!
There was a married couple who were in a terrible
accident. The woman's face was burned severely.
The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any
skin from her body because she was so thin.
The husband then donated some of his skin, however,
the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks.
The husband requested that no one be told of this, because
after all this was a very delicate matter! After the surgery
was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new
beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before!
Alone with her husband one day, she said,
"Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me!
There is no way I could ever repay you!" He replied,
"Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time
your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!"
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but
especially by two shiny, silvery walls that could move
apart and back together again. The boy asked his father,
"What is this, Father?" The father responded,
"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life,
and I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed,
an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving
walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the
lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small
circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the
reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a
beautiful 24 year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
A proctologist is sick of hassles of medical practice,
and decides to retire. He has enough money that he doesn't
have to work, but he wants to stay busy. He is an avid
motorcyclsit so he decides to become a motorcycle mechanic.
He enrolls in motorcycle repair course. At the end of
the course he gets a letter from the teacher saying
that he is the first student ever to get a grade of
150% on the final exam. He calls the teacher for an
explanation of why his grade was the best ever.
The teacher says "You disassembled the motor
quickly and efficiently--that was 50%. You reassembled it
quickly and it started immediately--that was another 50%.
The final extra 50% was because you were the first
student to do these things while putting your hands
through the tailpipe.
A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister,
and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.
"Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of
fertilization. That is when God instills the spark
of life into the fetus." "We believe," said the minister,
"that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby
becomes an individual and is capable of making its own
decisions and must learn about sin." "You've both got
it wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children
have graduated from college and moved out of the house..."
the energizer bunny died two days ago, an emergency autopsy was performed. It showed
signs of cardiac arrest due to over sexual over-stimulation. evidently somebody put his
batteries in backwards and he just kept coming, and coming and coming.