Jokes

My Favorite Jokes

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

" Technology for Country Folk"

LOG ON:    Makin a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF:    Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR:    Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD:   Gettin the farwood off the truk.
MEGA HERTZ:    When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
FLOPPY DISC:    Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
RAM:    That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
HARD DRIVE:   Gettin home in the winter time.
PROMPT:    Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS:   Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
11. SCREEN:   Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
12. BYTE:    Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP:   Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP:   Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM:    Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX:   Old Dan Matrix's wife.
17. LAP TOP:    Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD:    Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE:    Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
20. MOUSE:    Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME:   Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT:   Fancy Flatlander wine.
23. ENTER:    Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all".
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY:   Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD:   That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

"Texas Country Churches"

You might be in a Texas country church if.......

1. The doors are never locked.
2. The Call to Worship is "Y'all come on in!"
3. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark.
4. The Preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.
5. The restrooms are outside.
6. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.
7. A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "I ain't ever been in a hole it couldn't get me out of".
8. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "two calves".
9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of its pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.
10. When it rains, everybody's smiling.
11. Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship service.
12. A singing group is known as the "OK Chorale".
13. The church directory doesn't have last names.
14. The pastor wears boots.
15. Four generations of one family sit together in worship every Sunday.
16. The only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during the summer and then only so their neighbors can't leave them a bag of squash.
17. There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.
18. Baptism is referred to as "branding".
19. There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank.
20. Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable.
21. You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 O'clock that afternoon you have had a dozen calls inquiring about your health.
22. High notes on the organ sets dogs in the parking lot to howling.
23. People wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
24. People think "Rapture" is what happens when you lift something too heavy.
25. The cemetery is in such barren ground that people are buried with a sack of fertilizer to help them rise in the Rapture or on Judgment Day.
26. It's not heaven, but you can see heaven from there.
27. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come on back now, ya hear".
[They were Catfish, everybody knows that!]

WHAT'S Y'ALL'S SIGN?

(HOROSCOPES FOR SOUTHERNERS)

It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should get rid of them. When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose I'll even see a ram. Up the street from me there's some twins, but I don't see them much. The rest of these things are just too obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions or scorpions, not many archers and no damn water bearers. Virgins? The neighborhood's not crawling with them either. SO, what we need here is some relevance. We need things we can recognize up there in the night sky.

Okra
Dec 22 - Jan 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

Chitlin
Jan 21 - Feb 19
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

Boll Weevil
Feb 20 - Mar 20
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

Moon Pie
Mar 21 - Apr 20
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

PossumBR> Apr 21 - May 21
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't - bother - me - about -it" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over

. Crawfish
May 22 - Jun 21
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very,very good heads.

Collards
Jun 22- Jul 23
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

Catfish
Jul 24 - Aug 23
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

Grits
Aug 24 - Sep 23
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

Boiled Peanuts
Sep 24 - Oct 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

Butter Bean
Oct 24 - Nov 22
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

Armadillo
Nov 23 - Dec 21
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another, somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

Redneck Ode to Valentine's Day

Kudzu is green.....my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk.....A-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's.....And without all them fleas.
You move like the bass.....Which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales.....But I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry....Jist a-dancin' in the pan.
You're as fragrant as SunDrop.....Right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth..... For which I am proud;
I hold my head high..... When we're in a crowd.
On special occasions.....When you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven..... I'm plumb outta my wits.
And speakin' of wits.....You've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me Back in '74.
Still them fellers at work.....They all want to know,
What I did to deserve.....Such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape.....Yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles.....And stick 'em in the can.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler.....Racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger.....Named Naomi Judd.
You're as cute as a junebug.....A-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant.....Upon which I oft' tread.
Cut from the best pattern.....Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life.....Like a Rattletrap shad.
When you hold me real tight.....Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete.....Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection.....Like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years.....Yore age, it keeps hidin'.
And when you get old.....Like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks.....And let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie.....With a RC cold drank,
We go together.....Like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate.....For Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart.....It's romantic that way.
Some men git roses.....On that special day
>From the cooler at Kroger....."That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds.....From a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,".....They explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey.....These will not do.
For you are too special.....You sweet thang you.
I got you a gift.....Without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds.....it's a new trollin' motor.

ADVICE TO NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH

1.) Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly...
2.) If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
3.) Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4.) If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them -- Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5.) Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6.) Whatever you do, make sure that you don't buy food at the movie store!
7.) You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
8.) Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
9.) In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have Mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
10.) Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?" (sometimes you will also hear the sound of a pig squealing from some smartass)
11.) In an effort to match their speech pattern, Southerners also walk s l o w e r.......
12.) Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
13.) The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol' ", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Most Northerners begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression.
14.) The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15.) As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember all southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
16.) If attending a funeral in the South, remember we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on, the tent is torn down and the empties are picked up.
17.) If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words either that he will ever say or, worse still, that you will ever hear!
18.) Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19.) If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
20.) The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December.
21.) If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
22.) Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your house. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.
23.) Florida is not considered a southern state since there are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
24.) Be advised that in the South: "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
25.) In the South, tornadoes and divorces have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.....

P.S. If any Yankees don't like it here in the South, just remember ----

"Delta is ready when you are!"

IF YOU WERE BUYING CANDY AND YOU HAD YOUR CHOICE OF THE FOLLOWING WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE?

BABY RUTH
SNICKERS
HERSHEY'S
ALMOND JOY with ALMONDS
CLARK BAR
GOOD'n'PLENTY
ENERGY BAR
CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS.

OK - NOW THAT WE HAVE YOUR CHOICE, THIS IS WHAT RESEARCH SAYS ABOUT YOU!!!
And NO....you can't change your mind once you scroll down....!!!! So think carefully, what your choice will be!!!

BABY RUTH --

Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm fuzzy items. A little nutty. Sometimes you need a little eat like an ice cream cone at the end of the day.
3 MUSKETEERS --
You are adventurous, love new ideas, are achampion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your saber.
BUTTER FINGERS - -
Smooth articulate, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time.
SNICKERS - -
Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Everyone enjoys being around you. But you are a practical joker -- others should be cautious in shaking hands!< P> HERSHEY'S - -
Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt and get gushy if held too close.
ALMOND JOY with ALMONDS--
Sexy, always ready to give and receive, very energetic, and really like to get into life. The opposite sex is always attracted to you.
CLARK BAR--
You like sports, whether baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control.
GOOD'N'PLENTY--
You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to go to the movies with you. Children find you amusing. You are a very warm hearted person.
ENERGY BAR--
You are very active. You are so active, life is passing you by. Get a life!!!! Go eat a plum.
CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS-You go to the bathroom often.

You might be a redneck if??

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying. "Hey y'all, watch this!"
You've got more than on bother named "Darryl."
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
Your Junior/Senior Prom has a daycare.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You take a six-pack cooler to church.
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
You need one more hold punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjoes."
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

DIET FOR STRESS

This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day. Especailly during the holidays!

Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream 1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:
2 loves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza 3 Knickers bars

Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer) 1 quart of egg nog

Rules for this diet:

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy ba, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with somone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count sucn as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainent package and not part of one's personal fuel.
Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of baking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.
Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the aloric mass.
12. Anything consumed from someone else-s plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

REMEMBER; STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS!

THE RULES OF CHOCOLATE

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all cout as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 punds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocoate to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Perservatives make you look younger.
Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your cocolate, wha's wrong with you?

"New Hickphonics Dictionary"

1 - HEIDI = noun.greeting.
2 - HIRE YEW = Usage: "Heidi, hire yew?"
3 - BARD = verb. past tense of "to borrow" usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
4 - JAWJUH = noun, a state just north of Florida, capital is lanna Usage: "My brother from jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
5 - BAMMER = noun. state just west of jawjuh. Usage: "A tornader went thru bammer'n left $20million in improvements".
6 - MUNTS = noun. a calemdar division. "My brother from jawjuh bard my pickup truck and I ain`t herd from him in munts."
7 - THANK = verb. ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah"ll have a bare."
8 - BARE = noun. a alcoholic beverage. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
9 - RANCH = noun. a tool used for tight'nin bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of my pickup truck that my brother from jawjuh bard a few munt ago."
10 - All = noun. a petroleun-base product. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
11 - FAR = Usage: "If my brother from jawjuh don`t change all in the pickup truck he bard, tha thang gonna cach far."

Country Divorce

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

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