I found out I was pregnant with Caitlin in November of 1991, I was 17. I was in Key West, Fl at the time, visiting friends. My first reaction was complete excitement. I was absolutely thrilled! I just knew that I would make a great mother.

I called Caitlin's dad to tell him the news, but chickened out at the last minute. I decided I would wait until I got back home and tell him in person.

When I got back home I decided that I would tell my grandmother first, since I figured she would take the news a lot better than my mom.

My mom had just given birth to my little brother Eron and I was to go back to Ms with my grandmother so she could rest and enjoy her new baby. So I didn't tell anyone until I had been home for a few days.

I finally got up the nerve to tell my grandmother; I just kind of said "Mamaw, I have something I need to tell you", she knew at that moment. She said " you're pregnant, aren't you?" I tried hard not to smile, but I couldn't help it. She insisted on my taking another test, so we went out to the Health Dept where she worked to pick up a test, then came back home.

I took the test as soon as we got back home. It took about 2 seconds to turn positive. Well, my grandmother wasn't as accepting as I thought she would be. She pressured me to give my baby up for adoption or to have an abortion. I told her that I would think about it, but I knew in my mind that neither would ever happen. She took my back to my mom's the next day so I could tell her, and so I could stay there.

Since we were going back down to New Orleans where Caitlin's dad lived, I decided to call him before we left to make plans to get together so I could tell him. He said that he was dating someone else now, and that he didn't think that she would like it very much if he saw me. So I decided to tell him over the phone. He gave me the reaction that most guys give upon hearing that; "It's not mine". Needless to say, I was devastated. He said that he had heard that I was with this one and that one (not true!) and that I couldn't possibly know for sure that it was his.

He said that we would talk again later, so I said ok and hung up. I was numb. Not only had the father of my child given me no support, he had basically called me a slut.

We left for New Orleans a few hour later to go to my moms house. My mom took it very well. Even though she had told me in the past that if I ever got pregnant, not to come running to her (I had thought that I was pregnant once before), she was very supportive. I guess because she had been though it when she was pregnant with me; she got pregnant with me when she was 15.

I told my mom that I really wanted to keep my baby, and she said that she understood that, but she didn't know what to do. She and my step-dad didn't have the money to support all of us.

My great grandmother insisted on an abortion, and even sent the money to have one done. I was in a corner, I didn't know what to do, so I agreed to have the abortion.

My mom took me to have it done, but she ended up having to stay outside because she had my little brother with her. I went in, had the blood work done and they did an ultrasound to see how far along I was.

I asked to see the ultrasound, the nurse was hesitant (she said that they weren't allowed to let patients see them), but I insisted. when saw that little life inside of me, I knew that I wasn't going to go through with it. I went to the counseling session afterward and told the counselor that I didn't want to have an abortion and she gave me some pamphlets and I left. My mom said on the way home that she was glad that I hadn't done it. That was good to hear.

When I told my grandmother about it she said that she was glad that I hadn't gone through with it too, but that now the only choice was to give my baby up for adoption. I reluctantly agreed; I didn't know what else to do.

Since I had dropped out of high school in 1989 I decided that I was finally going to get my GED. In my mind I wasn't giving my baby up, so I wanted to get started on bettering myself for him/her. So I looked into all of the GED programs in my area and decided that Job Corps was my best bet. It was an on-campus program in Ms so I could be away from all of the pressures of home for a while.

It was wonderful there! I could openly be happy about being pregnant, and I made some wonderful friends. I worked really hard and had my GED in no time. I still remember getting my check up there, I had told the Dr before that I was pregnant, but he didn't hear me I guess because when he did my exam, he said "do you know that you're pregnant?" LOL. I got to hear my baby's heart beat for the first time that day. It was wonderful to hear, it was just more proof that I really did have this little life growing inside of me.

After I got my GED I went back to live with my mom again. I was to turn 18 in March of 1992, so that meant that I was no longer on my mom's insurance. I went and applied for Medicaid and got it with no problem. There was a problem though. I hadn't had an appointment with an OB yet, so no one really wanted to see me. After calling just about every OB in the book, I finally found one who would take me.

My first few appointments went pretty well. I should have know what kind of Dr he was though when I came in and his office was decorated with football paraphernalia. Not much in the way of information for pregnant women, just all kinds of football awards that he had won, and paw prints and purple and gold everywhere you looked.

I got my first real clue as to how the Dr/ patient relationship was going to be when I asked him my first real question. I asked him how painful childbirth really was because I was really worried; his answer was this: "You should have thought about that before you spread your legs now shouldn't you?"!!!! I fought back the tears as I left his office, and I still start to shake to this day when I think about it.

On my next appointment I told him that I was going to change Dr's, he told me that this far along in my pregnancy no one was going to take me as a patient. I was too ignorant to question his authority, so I just accepted that I was stuck with him.

My mom went with me when I had my first ultrasound when I was about 7 1/2 months pregnant. It was wonderful! the dates were about 2 weeks off, but they said that I had a very healthy baby otherwise. They asked me if I wanted to know the sex, I said no. My mom really wanted to know, so I told her that she could find out if she wanted. On the way home I just couldn't stand it any longer and I asked her what it was. She told me I was going to have a baby girl. I was more excited than ever because I had really been hoping for a girl.

After a while I realized that Caitlin's dad wasn't going to call, and after talking to my mom about it I decided to tell his parents about it while he was out one day. His step-mom was the only one there that day so I told her. She was very sympathetic about my situations and she said that she would talk to *John* about it when he got home that night.

The next day I got a call from him asking if we could get together and talk. I couldn't believe it. I didn't know what she said to him, but I was glad I had decided to tell her. So he came over that night and we talked. We tried to come up with a name that we agreed on, and tried to figure out what her eye color and hair color was going to be and fun stuff like that. It was like he was actually happy about it.

We got together a few more times to talk, and he gave me his pager number so I could get in touch with him if I ever needed anything.

About a week after he gave me the pager number I had a very disturbing appointment with a sonographer. She told me that Caitlin wasn't growing at the rate that she should, and may have IUGR (intra uterine growth retardation). When I got home I paged *John* to tell him what was going on. I didn't hear from him until that night. He called me practically screaming in my ear, saying that I wasn't supposed to page him unless I was in labor, and that he had been at the hospital for 2 hours waiting for me to show up. He had never said anything about not paging him unless I was in labor. I didn't hear from him again after that.

After that ultrasound appointment my Dr decided that I should go to an ultrasound specialist to see what was really going on with her growth. He made the appointment for that next week, June 29th which was my original due date (at the last ultrasound they had changed my EDD to July 15th).