Now there is one more...

At the time, Jessica and Patricia were 4 and 5 years old and I had been out of the work force for more than 10 years; I was unable to find a job that would pay much more than the cost of daycare for my girls. I felt trapped in a system that was too busy and too shorthanded to help me with my problem.

In spite of the fact that he wasn't paying child support, we managed to maintain a civil relationship. I called him with updates regularly and he spoke with the girls fairly regularly. However, he slowly stopped spending time with them, opting to work instead because he needed the money for the child support. I understood and maintained an "open door policy" in which he could have parenting time with the girls at his convenience.

He paid support "regularly" enough to keep him out of jail but it was nothing that I could count on in any way, shape or form. We lived from day to day, never knowing if there would be a check in the mail or not. There were days when we ate nothing more than "Oodles of Noodles®" or rice.

In desperation, we went to our local "Food Bank." We were thrilled when we returned with BAGS full of food! We began unpacking the bags...mmmmmm, there was Tuna Fish (no Mayo), there was spaghetti and sauce, lots of cereal (but no milk) and more than enough junk food (cookies, pudding etc). There was even CAKE MIX!... hmmmm, but no eggs, bread or milk. With the exception of the spaghetti, rice and, oh yeah, and MORE "Oodles of Noodles®" there really wasn't any FOOD. I didn't know what to do. We managed to stretch the spaghetti, tuna (without bread or mayo), and Noodles for a little more than a week, all the time hoping that the elusive child support check would show up... Finally, we got down to just the rice and a couple of bags of noodles... I didn't know what to do.

I'm not sure if my ex was being his "normal" controlling self, or if he really didn't have any money... regardless of his situation, our situation was becoming desperate. Friends helped out as much and as often as they were able to and I will never forget their kindness, but with three active and growing children, it just wasn't enough... I finally called him, knowing that even if he didn't have the money, his mother would surely help out as much as he needed. I told him about our situation (by this time, we were completely out of food except for rice) and asked him to pick up the girls and take them until I could either get welfare or straighten out child support...

He came over and got the children. Together we explained that they would stay with him for a little while, while I tried to get something done to insure that this would not happen again. As they were leaving, Jessi held on to me and cried desperate tears, Trish was too young to really understand, but was upset because she knew here sisters were, and Christen, being "the strong one," controlled the tears and sadness in her eyes; she would not let them go. They drove away and I cried for days.

It took a little over a month to get on welfare and get my first check. In the meantime, I saw the girls almost every day. If I couldn't see them, I talked with them on the phone. I survived on rice, lots and lots of rice, along with the generosity of my best friend, Darlene, and her family. Once the first check came, the girls were returned to me. This whole episode did a lot to my mind... It planted a seed of determination that I had never known before. I made a promise to myself that I would do whatever was necessary to insure that we NEVER were without food, or in danger of loosing our shelter, again!

I began my self induced rehabilitation by going to a job training program that was offered free of charge. I did quite well and enjoyed being in the company of other adults once a week. I graduated from the program armed with some useful knowledge regarding where my strengths lie and finding employment that would best suit me.

A short time later, I received legal papers from my ex, stating that he was filing for "either a reduction in child support or child custody." I panicked. His mother had just bought him a house and he was going to use where I lived (a tiny two bedroom apartment in the ghetto area) and how I lived (on welfare) against me... Logic must have escaped me completely. I could only see *that* and not the fact that the judge would probably be on him "like white on rice" for not only putting us in that position but, then, using it against us as well.

I called him on the phone and offered him a deal. I told him that I would give him Temporary Custody while I went back to school to get my High School diploma and found a more suitable apartment and a more reliable car. He readily agreed and I drew up the papers between us. We both signed the papers and appeared in court together. In our agreement, I specifically stated that I was only giving him Temporary PHYSICAL Custody of the girls and I was to remain their LEGAL Custodial Parent. I felt that this would be sufficient in case, in the future, he gave me a hard time about returning the girls to me.

Fast Forward to the Present

I graduated #2 in a class of 68, from Adult High School. From there I went to our local community college, thanks to a State Grant, where I maintained a GPA of 4.0. I was rebuilding my self esteem as well as my life. I went back to grooming dogs (a vocation I had learned years before as a teenager) and began to earn some "real" money. Soon, it became apparent that I was too severely allergic to cats to be in a business that now catered to a lot of feline customers.

I took a deep breath and jumped into a job market that I had no experience with. My first job was as a shipping/receiving clerk, where I lasted about 3 months. From there, I went to a computer/marine electronics sales and service facility; I found my niche in computers.

Once I was at this job for a little over 6 months (a condition I had made for myself), and I was comfortable that I would be an employee for a good while longer, I called my ex and said, "It's time... I'd really like to have the girls back... as a matter of fact, I think it'd only be fair if we did joint custody, with them spending 2 weeks at each house." He agreed without hesitation and told me to "Make it legal." The girls were standing next to me while I was talking to him. They could tell by my end of the conversation what his answer was; and all 3 cheered! *I* was in heaven! I took Monday off from work to go to the court house and file the necessary papers, and then, like a woman expecting her first born child, I began "nesting." I wanted everything to be perfect, I wanted them to be happy. I wallpapered, re-arranged and cleaned endlessly while waiting for the court date to come.

On my 39th birthday, 8 days before we were scheduled to "make it legal," I received papers from his attorney... In them, he accused me of being uninvolved and uninterested in the girls. He also held my much larger, much nicer (compared to the last place we lived), 2 bedroom apartment against me, stating that he has a "roomy 4 bedroom house w/heated pool for the girls - among other things...The reality is, yes, he does have a "heated pool" but as far as the "roomy" 4 bedroom house is concerned, the only one with "room" is my ex. He has a large bedroom with a walk in closet that is almost the same size as my oldest daughters bedroom. Her bedroom is so small that she can't comfortably put a bureau in it. Jessi and Trish share a slightly larger bedroom and all 3 girls' bedrooms are in a state of semi repair, with all 3 lacking closet doors. So he does have a roomy house but as far as the girls' rooms are concerned, the one room that they share here has more floor space than both bedrooms at their dad's put together! I was horrified, I felt betrayed by his lies and I was hurt beyond words. It had taken us a very long time to overcome the wounds of divorce and get to a point where we actually *liked* each other again and, with the blink of an eye, it had been ruined.

The court date came and I faced his lawyer and the judge prepared to prove, not only my involvement with my girls, but my love for them as well. I made my case before the judge, telling her of my love, showing her all of their papers that I've kept over the years...

Unfortunately judges are human and they have their own prejudices and opinions. When a judge has to deal with deadbeat dads day after day, when she repeatedly sees fathers who just walk away from their children and don't look back, I guess it's easy to be overly impressed by what seems to be an involved father who wants his children with him. All too soon it became obvious that she was impressed with my ex's willingness to take on the responsibility of raising 3 girls.

I went into brain freeze... As soon as I realized where this was heading, all I could think of was: "What am I going to do? How am I going to tell the girls???" It seemed as though the fact that I am the Legal Custodial parent made no difference whatsoever. Naturally, I lost.

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Early last summer, my (now ex) boyfriend moved out (making more room for my daughters) and I decided to bite the proverbial bullet and try again to win back the custody of my children.

I spoke to a lawyer at Legal Aid who was impressed by the papers I had drawn up when I gave my ex temporary custody. He told me that we had a binding contract which had been blessed by the court; there didn't seem to be any reason for the court to overturn that contract.

He advised me to re-file based solely on that contract. He also told me that Legal Aid does not usually get involved in such matters, however, if my ex retained a lawyer again, he'd do everything in his power to try to get me representation for this matter. He felt very confident in my case.

I did as I was advised and my ex hired a lawyer as expected. I returned to legal aid and spoke with their "Family Matters" lawyer who, at that time, told me that my ex's lawyer is on the Board of Directors for Legal Aid and it would be a conflict of interest for them to represent me... It seemed to me that my ex's lawyer (a notorious "pro male" family lawyer) being on the Board of Directors was where the conflict of interest was, not my being represented by them... Oh well, it was a moot point, all I knew at that time was that I had a court date and no lawyer. I knew I had lost. I came to find out that, not only had I lost, but I was ordered to pay my ex's legal fees...

Several months later, I, once again, went to court and although I technically won (the judge ordered my ex to do many of the things I asked for, such as taking the girls to the dentist)I was, none the less, ordered to pay his legal fees AGAIN!

My ex has had custody of our children for just about 5 years and in those 5 years he has had them to the dentist just once,and he takes them to the Doctor only when absolutely necessary.

I guess I had always assumed that he had been taking them to the dentist. We don't communicate at all and I don't expect the girls to tell me every little thing they do, especially the routine things, like going to the dentist... It was quite by accident that I found out that they hadn't been in years. I offered to take them when I received my Income Tax Return, but he declined, stating that he was making them an appt. himself.... like a fool, I believed him. Every time I asked I was told the same thing... "soon"...

I've been down this road before and I refuse to travel it again. I want to believe that he'll do the right thing for our children, but time and time again it all comes down to his own selfishness and comfort.

I have come to realize that if there is nothing in it for him then the chances of him doing it are slim. This is the same man who wanted "a reduction in child support OR Custody of our children." That, in itself, says it all.

It's all a matter of Priorities