CAFFEINE ADDICT'S QUIZ
by Chris Gahan
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Do you want to know if you suffer from "Alertness Deficit Disorder"
(ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us
to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction;
the only known cure for which is caffeine. ADD takes the lives of
millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of
Ugandans every year. If that doesn't scare you, let's just say that
you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer
from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL.
The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine
your Addiction Factor(TM).
Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart
yourself at the end. Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was
it laughter? Either way, read on.
1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?
2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier?
3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee?
4. Do you find that it's easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep?
5. a) Have you ever drunk cold coffee?
b) Right out of the pot?
6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee
products?
7. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?
8. Has anyone ever told you that you "have a problem"?
9. Do you need coffee:
a) ...to get up in the morning?
b) ...to get out of bed?
c) ...to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?
10. Do you own a "Coffee Helmet"? (For the culturally ignorant, a
coffee helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a
straw
coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for hands-free
drinking.)
11. Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you "Ona
mac towanda" (Smells-like- coffee)?
12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as
well as by its frequency?
13. Have you ever sold personal or other people's possessions just to
get your fix for the day?
14. Does the phrase "swiss water decaffienated" strike terror into
your heart?
15. a) Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your house?
b) ...in more than five?
c) ...in your bathroom?
16. a) Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee
cards anymore?
b) ...because you're wearing out their hole-punch?
c) ...and it's bad for the environment?
17. Do you grind your own coffee?
18. Do you grow your own coffee?
19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you're "drinking their
profits"?
20. a) Do you know Juan Valdez?
b) ...and his donkey?
c) ...intimately?
21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?
22. a) Is sleep a hobby of yours?
b) ...that you don't like?
c) ...because it's too frustrating?
23. Can you drink coffee without a spoon?
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