Cleaning Tips for the Motivationally Challenged

by Maggie Lamond, published in the Central New York Section of the Sunday Herald American, 6/22/97

Dusting - EASY - just dust around everything. You don't have to pick up every little thing and dust under it, and you know why? Because there's no dust under there! What does it do, lift itself up so the dust can crawl underneath? Don't be silly. Of course not.

Vacuuming - A little more complicated: people can stand in one spot and see most, if not all of your floor. The trick? Use a dust mop to circulate the dirt into the air, which gives it a very good chance of landing on the furniture, which you already know how to dust! Then just vacuum up what's left.

When you get proficient at this, you can actually vacuum the stuff up mid-flight, thereby obviating the need to move.



Kitchen - Piece of cake. Buy a dishwasher. People used to tell my mom this, and she'd laugh it off by saying "Oh, I already have a dishwasher - her name is Maggie!" Ha, ha, ha, that was really funny, Mom. I'm wearing gloves at my wedding.

The dishwasher serves a dual purpose. First, it's like a closet, hiding everything from dishes to the lingerie your dog just dragged down from upstairs. And then it cleans them with the flick of a switch (the dishes, obviously, although I'm running a little experiment with the lingerie and will let you know.) It's absolutely amazing. Stuff can sit in there for days, weeks even, and nobody knows! God, I love technology!



Laundry - Sorry, but there's no easy way around this one. Once you wash your clothes, you must dry them. Once you dry them, you must fold them. Oherwise you'll also have to iron them, which everyone can agree ranks right up there with root canals in the "just plain fun" department. I know it's not fair, but that's the way it is.



The Bathroom - So easy! First, use one of those really big Certs for the commode. Just pop one in, and you can throw away your toilet brush (or use it as a back scratcher - it's the perfect length.) Then, using that glass cleaner that smells good, clean the mirror and the sink fixtures, and you're done.

The whole bathroom looks clean, and you've barely lifted a finger! Most people won't bother whipping back the shower curtain; with that fresh clean smell, they'll naturally assume the tub's clean too. All they really care about is the mirror anyway. People are so vain.



The Bedroom - Here's a tip for those awkward times when company drops in to see your comforter. Throw the clothes in the hamper - clean, dirty, ripped, doesn't matter. Stuff it all in and slam it shut. Throw the bedspread over the rumpled sheets, because, really, who's going to look? You can do all this in the time it takes them to get from their car to your door. I've timed it - it works. I'm serious.



There's no reason to spend hours tidying up when everything is just going to get dirty again. Life is too darn short. I'd rather play. And if you'd rather play with me, then come on over. Just beep when you pull in, OK?

I'll need a minute to clean.