In Loving Memory Of

             Our Beloved Sanjay

Born:    28 Oct  1961
Left us: 30 Oct 1981

My beloved brother Sanjay was cruelly snatched away from us in a motor bike crash.  I have never got over his death.  Just five months after I was married, without ever having seen any of my kids.  Although he was the first (besides my husband)to know I was expecting.  He had been so excited and would have made such a wonderful Uncle!  People who don't know any better say time heals, but here is:

                                    THE STARK TRUTH

How dare they say 
Time Heals?
They who have never been through
the anguish caused by the sudden death
of a loved one.  Who never had their hearts tied up in knots
wrought by the yearning to see
one as precious as
Life itself.
Oh, how my eyes ache to see
those impish eyes, and that
Famous Lopsided Grin
and how my ears ache to hear
that well-loved voice.. if only to
tease me in that
Inimitable Exasperating Way-
I'd walk to the ends of the earth
to give my kids
one hour of his company.
One precious delightful, unforgettable hour
packed to last them a lifetime.

I toil, I sleep, I dance, I sing
but beneath the deceptive exterior
lies a wound so raw-
swathed in so flimsy a shield
that once snapped open would reveal
The Stark Truth.



It took me 6 years and three babies to stop getting up in the middle of the night, with such an overpowering feeling of despair and hopelessness, in spite of my faith.  After all, even Jesus wept.  When Lazarus died.  When grief came He was able to weep and express His feelings. I found relief in our scriptures that see grief as normal.  I found listening to or singing hymns and talking about Sanjay made me feel better. But I couldn't cry. The tears just would not come out of my heart.  For a long time. Till I started attending others' funerals, even that of near strangers, and crying like my heart would break. I wasn't crying for the person whose funeral it was, I was crying for my brother. As a child, whenever he teased me, I used to get so mad, I'd say,"I wish you die!"  I will never be able to forgive myself for that.  We had grown so close over the years and shared so much. I never imagined he would go before me. And when he did, what really touched me was that he had told his friends so many things about me - things I had done and achieved - that I didn't even know he knew!

He had such a sense of humour, he'd make everyone laugh till they cried.

Sanjay used to say,"One day, I'll be so famous, you'll be known as my sister!  Mummy & Daddy will be known as my parents!"  That proved to be true, although not in quite the same way as he meant it.


Writing  down my feelings helped.

Here is
        
                                            MY SADDEST THOUGHT

Oh, how I dread those inadvertant
Sunday afternoon naps over a book
Because of what they wake me up to
that terrifying, shrieking emptiness
that hollow, inexplicable feeling
which threatens to choke me
and refuses to find release in tears
-tears that stick in my throat
and are denied the relief of sobs
but force themselves out in wheezy gasps
which is just as well, maybe-
as the household is deep in peaceful Sunday slumber.

I wonder: do you also miss us
like we miss you - your three sisters-
(lucky Mary and Martha!)
or are you so filled with ecstasy
that you have no time to think of us-
those glee-filled childhood days
of Sibling Rivalry: pinches and punches galore!
Dark Room, Pillow Fights and Ludo games;
dividing one coke into three scrupulously-
scrambling for the window seat in the car
and fighting over the radio - which station should it be?
and that hateful nickname you had for me
whenever plots were hatched- Saint Mary! 
those endless word-duels
where you always had the last word
and I was a mere staircase wit-
all those things we shared-
both your kind of music and mine
how we'd laugh over Wodehouse,
Moron Riddles - and remember, Knock-Knock?!!
Mad and Towards More Picturesque Speech-
"Just a Minute" and a hundred other things-
an endless list-
Does time really heal?
all it does, I think
is put a ready-to snap stitch
over the wound.



If there is anyone who would like to share their experiences with grief, or anyone who knew my brother Sanjay, I'd be thrilled if they left a message on the message board below.

The song that is playing was one of his favourites: John Denver's "Country Roads Take Me Home..."

We Are Four....

September the eleventh 1977, with a family friend Chinna

On my wedding day...

"Why should you be so nervous when I am there to hold your hand?"