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Little
Footprints
How very softly
you tiptoed into my world.
Almost silently,
Only a moment you stayed.
But what an imprint
your footprints have left
upon my heart.
~Dorothy
Ferguson

This is
the story about our first daughter, Amanda, who we lost January 21, 1995,
to a fatal neural tube defect called anencephaly. The part of the neural
tube that forms the brain, failed. She did not survive labor and
was born still at 1:26am. We were only able to spend an hour with
her.
In late
August 1994, my husband Rick and I decided that we would start trying to
have a baby. We got pregnant on the first try and conceived our baby
September 22, 1994. I knew right away. I was so very happy!
It was a perfect pregnancy, no morning sickness at all. I was more
tired than usual, but that was about it. I loved everything about
being pregnant. I told everyone that would listen about the baby.
I daydreamed all the time about all the things that I was going to do with
the baby. It was all I could ever think about.
I went
to my first prenatal visit by myself. I was 9 weeks along. I was
very disappointed with the doctor. She did an internal exam, agreed
that I was 9 weeks and left before I could ask any questions. I didn't
think too much of it, other than she was having a bad day. I scheduled
the next appointment when Rick could come with me. I knew we would
be able to hear the heartbeat and didn't want him to miss it. It was the
most beautiful sound that I had ever heard. It brought tears to my
eyes. I never heard anything more perfect. The doctor
was the same though. She didn't say much, and when Rick asked her
some questions, she turned to me to answer them. I knew right away
he was not happy with this. When the visit was over, the next appointment
was made with a different doctor. The next four weeks were just as
uneventful. We started looking for furniture and bedding for
her nursery. We talked about the baby all the time. We were
so excited! The day came when it was time to meet the new doctor.
She was pretty out there, but she was very warm and caring. She asked
me all kinds of questions and noticed some scarring that I had from a laparoscopy.
The other doctor never asked anything. I knew right away that I had just
found the perfect doctor to bring my baby into this world. I was
very comfortable with her. At the end of the visit, she offered me an AFP
test. I paid no attention to what it was for and went ahead and took
it. I was very naive and didn't even think for a second that anything
was wrong. I was 21 and had no clue that bad things could happen
and since I made it through the first trimester, it was smooth sailing.
A few days after the test, January 17, my doctor called and said that there
was a problem with the test I took. She was very calm about it and
said not to worry, the test is known for false positives. She said
that my due date could be wrong or that there could be twins. She
didn't go into what could be wrong. She told me to call the hospital
after I got off the phone and make an appointment for an ultrasound.
She also said that she wanted me to come in the next morning for another
AFP test. I called the hospital and they said that they were expecting
my call and to be there in an hour. I thought that was strange.
I went to Rick's work to pick him up and we went from there. I started
getting excited at the thought of twins. Deep down, I knew there
wasn't twins, I wasn't big enough. It was nice to dream though.
I knew my due date was right, no question about that. I had no clue
that anything was wrong. Once I was on the table, the technician
was pretty quiet. He didn't point out much to us, what he did point
out, we asked. It was wonderful being able to see what I could of
the baby. It was hard to see because of the angle I was at.
I asked him a few times to be moved, he didn't listen to me though.
We were in there for a long time without him saying anything. He
got up and said that he was going to get the radiologist. They came
in together after 5 minutes, took more pictures and he left without saying
a word to us. I started getting scared at this time. I still
didn't know what could be so wrong that they couldn't tell me. On
the way out, I asked if there were twins and he said no. I asked
him if everything was okay and he said that he couldn't say anything to
me. We went home and tried to be normal, still wondering what was
going on. The next morning we were getting ready to go have the new
AFP done when the phone rang. It was a nurse asking us to come in
sooner because a doctor was on her way in to talk to us. I agreed
and about fell into Rick's arms crying. I kept asking what was wrong
with our baby? He told me to stay positive and that everything would
be okay. I know now that he was as scared as I was.
When
we arrived at the doctor's office, everyone there was starring at us.
This must be pretty bad, I thought. It was very weird, I couldn't
stop thinking what could be so bad. We waited about 10 minutes and
then were led back to one of the exam rooms. There was a doctor there
I had never seen before. We sat down while she was still taking off
her coat. She started right away telling us that they found something
wrong with the baby. She said that our baby had a condition that was incompatible
with life. The baby has something called anencephaly, the neural
tube failed to close all the way, making it impossible for the brain to
form. The room started spinning with her words.....'Your baby has
a condition that is incompatible with life......it has anencephaly.'
She was still talking while we were sitting there crying. What was
wrong with her? She would not stop talking! I managed to stop
crying and try to listen to what she was saying. I was waiting for
her to tell us how they could fix our baby. That never happened.
My world was crumbling around me. How could this be happening?
How could my baby not have a brain? I just felt her kick for the
first time the night before the ultrasound. This was just a very
bad dream and I wanted to wake up. She said that it was nothing that
we did or didn't do, but that a lack of folic
acid could have played a role.
She started
to go over our options. She said that if I were to carry the baby
to term, chances are that it wouldn't make it. She also told me that
it could affect any chance of having a future pregnancy. That really
scared me! It wasn't an option as far as she was concerned.
Not being pregnant before, I believed everything that she was saying.
Our choice was to be induced that day, or wait 2 more days until my doctor
would be on call. She wanted a decision right away. We told
her that we would wait for our doctor to be with us. I was in a total
state of shock, and never asked any questions. When we were leaving the
office, there were even more people starring at us. What was wrong
with them? It was very hard to leave that room.
The next
two days were very hazy to me. Rick was wonderful and made all the
phone calls to tell everyone about the baby. I don't think that I
stopped crying. The night before we had to be at the hospital, we
figured we better pick a name for the baby. The names that we had
been talking about just didn't seem right for this baby. We came
across Amanda right away and the name means, 'to be loved.' After
we read that, we knew that would be her name. We arrived at the hospital
at 7am on January 20, 1995. They put us in a small room across from
the nursery. They also put a sign on the door that would let anyone
coming in my room know what was going on. At 9am they started the
induction and told me that I would start feeling cramps. I didn't
realize that they really meant contractions. I finally asked for
something for the pain and they gave me Demerol. I spent the next
5 hours sleeping and throwing up every half hour. A nurse came in
and suggested getting an epidural. It finally hit me that I was in
labor. The anesthesiologist came in and talked to us for a very long
time. He tried as best as he could to take our minds off of what
was happening. Once the epidural took affect, I felt no more contractions.
At 1am I was trying to change my position and felt a strange feeling.
We called the nurse right away, who checked and then went to call my doctor
right away. I knew my baby was almost here. I was very scared.
My doctor arrived about 10 minutes later and checked me too. She
told me to get ready to push. I gave two tiny pushes and then Amanda
was born still. She was 8 inches long and weighed 5.2 oz. The
doctor and nurse held her and looked her over for a few minutes and then
gave her to me. She was soooo beautiful. From the top of her
forehead down she was perfect. It was very hard to believe that something was wrong. The top of her head was just flat. We covered her
up and spent the next hour or so holding her. .
Please
do not copy these footprints,
they
are Amanda's and only belong to her.
Thank
you.
Our lives
have changed quite a bit since Amanda left us. Losing her was and
is the hardest thing that we have ever done. I don't think that anything
will ever compare to the pain of that. Hardly a minute goes by that
I don't think of her. She has taught me many things in her short
time here. For that I am grateful, but I would much rather have her
here with us and her little brothers and sister. She has a very special
place in our hearts. She will never be forgotten and will always
be my first child.
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You are listening to:
The
Dance
by
Garth Brooks
Looking back on the memory of
the dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say good-bye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if only I'd known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know
I might of changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
It's my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
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