The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood." "This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept,break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave. The phone rings at Tom's house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

 Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,
  "May I    borrow a highlighter?" 

Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that." 

Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot!! My glass eye!!" 

Say "Darn, this water is cold." 

Say, "Now how did that get there?" 


Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.
 Now what am I gonna do?" 

 You're Over The Hill When

 You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. 
 You can live without sex but not without glasses. 
 Your back goes out more than you do. 
 You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 
 You buy a compass for the dash of your car. 
 You are proud of your lawn mower. 
 Your best friend is dating someone half their age-and isn't breaking the law. 
 You call Olan Mills before they call you. 
 Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. 
 You sing along with the elevator music. 
 You would rather go to work than stay home sick. 
 You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. 
 You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. 
 You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 
 Neighbors borrow your tools. 
 People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?" 
 You have a dream about prunes. 
 You answer a question with, "because I said so!" 
 You send money to PBS. 
 The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants. 
 You take a metal detector to the beach. 

 You know what the word "equity" means. 
 Your ears are hairier than your head. 
 You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn. 
 You get into a heated argument about pension plans. 
 You got cable for the weather channel. 
 You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 

Bragging Sons?

 Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The 
 first  boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of  paper, he 
 calls it a poem and they give him $50."   The second boy says, "That's
  nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a  piece of paper, he calls it
  a song and they give him  $100."   The third boy says, "I got you both
  beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a  piece of paper, he calls it a 
 sermon. And, it takes eight  people to collect all the money!" 

A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS

  Insanity is my only means of relaxation. 

Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an Aerobics class 
 pulls a hamstring. 

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman
   gain 5 lb. 

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely. The best way to 
  forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. 

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what 
  you're doing, someone else does. 

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, 
  your body and your fat are really good friends. 

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. 

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. 

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes! 

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, 
  "You know sometimes I just forget to eat." 

Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my 
keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of 
 stupid to forget to eat. 

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control 
pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care. 

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't 
all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I 
said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in 
vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell, my body said, "Listen witch 
... do it and die." 

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody 
older than 30 can fit into their stuff. 

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? 

How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around 
your neck? 

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.