If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
-Groucho Marx

Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature.
-Tom Robbins

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.
-Tolstoy

Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
-H. L. Mencken

History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.
-Winston Churchill

The chief obstacle to the progress of the human race is the human race.
-Don Marquis (1878-1937)

History is a set of lies agreed upon.
-Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.
-Dan Rather

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham
Lincoln would
be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
-David Letterman

If our founding fathers were alive today, they'd roll over in their graves.
-Dwight D. Eisenhower

A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.

Things have never been more like they are today in history.
-Dwight D. Eisenhower

Nothing.
-Louis XVI (entry in his diary for July 14, 1789, the day the mob stormed the Bastille)

History is the short trudge from Adam to atom.
-Leonard Louis Levinson

Only those who attempt the absurd ... will achieve the impossible.

It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
-Walt Disney

We are here on earth to do good for others. What the others are here for, I don't know.
-W. H. Auden.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
-Woody Allen

Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
-Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)
 

The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26,  "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be  sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50  times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means
that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972

Reality is whatever refuses to go away when I stop believing in it.
-Philip K. Dick

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.
-Mark Twain

The right to do something does not mean that doing it is right.
-William Safire

You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
-Booker T. Washington

I disapprove with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.
-Evelyn Beatrice Hall, paraphrasing Voltaire

They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
-Benjamin Franklin

The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern.
-Lord Acton

If it's against state law, it's generally considered a breach of Etiquette.
-Judith Martin (Miss Manners)

An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.

The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
-National Review

I am not young enough to know everything.
-Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Imagination is more important than knowledge.
-Albert Einstein

Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.
-Aldous Huxley

Truth is not determined by majority vote.
-Doug Gwyn

What luck for rulers, that men do not think.
-Adolph Hitler

No, no, you're not thinking; you're just being logical.
-Niels Bohr

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.
-Sam Levenson

I know a lot of people without brains who do an awful lot of talking.
-The Scarecrow, Wizard of Oz

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
-Mark Twain

The trouble with America is that there are far too many wide-open spaces surrounded by teeth.
-Charles Luckman

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
-G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

If you can't answer a man's argument, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
-Elbert Hubbard

Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule-- and both commonly succeed, and are right.
-H.L. Mencken, Minority Report, 1956

The people of Nebraska are for free silver. Therefore, I am for free silver. I'll look up the reasons later.
-U.S. Representative William Jennings Bryan

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
-John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987

It's important to remember that just because there are crooks, zealots and morons supporting a position, it does not automatically follow that the position is wrong.
-Jan D. Wolter

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
-Dan Quayle

It might be more worthwhile if we stopped wringing our hands and started ringing our congressmen.

I'm not good in groups. It's difficult to work in a group when you're omnipotent.
-Q, Star Trek

No matter what happens, the U.S. Navy is not going to be caught napping.
-Secretary of the Navy Frank Knox, December 5, 1941

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
-Henry Kissenger

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.
-Lily Tomlin

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
-Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?
-Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

But our culture is in truly bad shape if we have come to define respecting something as the failure to set it on fire.
-Barbara Ehrenreich (regarding flag burning)

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character give him power.

For every problem, there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong.
-H.L. Mencken

The supreme irony of life is hardly anyone ever gets out of it alive.
-Robert Heinlein

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
-Redd Foxx

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
-Calvin

Perfection is our goal. Excellence will be tolerated.
-TQM Motto from the International Association of Business Communication

If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.
-Dan Quayle

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
-Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

To make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe.
-Carl Sagan

A new scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually die, and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
-Planck, 1949

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
-Carl Zwanzig

The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough.
-Bill Maher

There are three kinds of researchers: Those who can do math and those who cannot.
-Tom Rusk Vickery

If builders built buildings the way that programmers write programs, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
-Reede Stockton

When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, you think it's only a minute. But when you sit on a hot stove for a minute, you think it's two hours. That's relativity.
-Albert Einstein

If a million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
-Anatole France

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people.
-P.T. Barnum

I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
-Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
-August Strindberg

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
-Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better press than people who are just funny and smart.
-Howard Simons, The Washington Post

Some folks never exaggerate- they just remember big.
-Audrey Snead

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
-Douglas Adams

If we're going to be damned, let's be damned for who we really are.
-Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Star Trek

If there is no wind, row.
-Latin Proverb

You should emulate your heroes, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they're dead.

A Freudian slip is when you  say one thing but mean your mother.

If you want to take long walks, take long walks. If you want to hit things with a stick, hit things with a stick. But there's no excuse for combining the two and putting the results on TV. Golf is not so much a sport as an insult to lawns.
-National Lampoon

Golf is a good walk spoiled.
-Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may
not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants
(unless struck by a boomerang).
-Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc.

One death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
-Joseph Stalin

What a beautiful fix we are in now; peace has been declared.
-Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821) after the Treaty of Amiens, 1802

Any soldier worth his salt should be antiwar. And still there are things worth fighting for.
General H. Norman Schwarzkopf

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
-Woody Allen

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
-Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

When you have shot and killed a man, you have in some measure clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer to a definite problem. For better or for worse, you have acted  decisively. In a way the next move is up to him!
-Robert Heinlein

I don't think I'm alone when I say  I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
-Jack Handy

EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN CORPORATE AMERICA
1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
20. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
24. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
26. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize
it's a do-it-yourself thing.
27. Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery.
28. No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.
29. Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing.
30. Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.
31. Never pass a snow plow on the right.
-Gregory Singleton

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
Jack Handey

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this,  but that's another weakness.
Jack Handey

Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. You pull it up and pull it up, but that cable just keeps right on going, clear across a field, until you come to a bunch of guys who are burying the cable.  Then just walk up to them and go, "Hey, have you seen Fred?" And they'll say, "Fred who?"  And you say, "Fred of snakes?"  Then cover your ears, because big laughs are coming.
Jack Handey

Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies?  One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars.  Oh, I see now.
Jack Handey

I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their  sins.
Jack Handey

A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
Canada Bill Jones

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.  So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
Steven Wright
 

                            **ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS**
 
1.   "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
2.   "I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
3.   "Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes."
4.   "Cover me.  I'm changing lanes."
5.   "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools".
6.   "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
7.   "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep"
8.   "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...  ...Not screaming and
       yelling like the passengers in his car..."
9.   "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
10.  "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
11.  "Don't blame me - I'm from Uranus."
12.  "Your kid may be an honor student but YOU'RE still an IDIOT"
13.  "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
14.  "Smile - it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."
15.  "Wink, I'll do the rest!"
16.  "I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
17.  "When there's a will, I want to be in it!"
18.  "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
19.  "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
20.  "Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students!"
21.  "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
22.  "Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"
23.  "Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear."
24.  "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
25.  "We are born naked, wet and hungry.  Then things get worse."
26.  "Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot."
27.  "He who laughs last thinks slowest"
28.  "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
29.  "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
30.  "Friends help you move.  Real friends help you move bodies."
31.  "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
32.  "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy."
33.  "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
34.  "I souport publik edekasion"
35.  "We are Microsoft.  Resistance Is Futile.  You Will Be Assimilated."
36.  "Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home."
37.  "3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
38.  "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
39.  "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
40.  "2 + 2 = 5 for sufficiently large values of 2."
41.  "I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic  particles."
42.  "I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die."
43.  "I still miss my Ex .... but my aim is getting better.
44.  "strip mining prevents forest fires."