OK little Phelps! What are you doing? Are you just playing around,

having a dress rehearsal, or really getting onto the starting blocks

here? My back and belly hurt all night. I couldn’t sleep and finally

got up around 2:30AM to do some work and check email. I hung out in the

office until 4:00 before coming back to bed. So your poor dad got at

least a little bit of sleep uninterrupted by my tossing and turning....I

can’t really time the contractions yet, they seem too short and

sporadic. But the general pain and discomfort hasn’t let up all

day....This is the first time the contractions have really been

accompanied by back pain which makes me think we’re getting much closer

to your birth-day. But I’ve had no show or anything like that yet so

that kind of makes me think we have awhile. This is all pretty

manageable but I don’t want to have to manage it for another week and a

half. It’s not THAT manageable. I don’t want to even manage it for the

weekend, especially since I know the pain is going to get a lot worse

before it gets better. Can’t you give me a little hint about what

you’re planning?

5/9/98

Week +2

Well, you did want to come out after all! It’s been two weeks and this

is the first chance I’ve had to get back to the journal so it will be

one big lump sum entry rather than trying to reconstruct day by day. It

turns out that I WAS in labor when I wrote that last entry. I tried to

work and I even went to the mall at lunch to do some last minute

shopping and get some walking around in to speed things along in case it

really was labor. I called Marilee, our doula, that evening to let her

know that I thought I might be in early labor but wasn’t sure. She

suggested I try to time the contractions and to get a lot of rest

because it might be my last opportunity but to call her back if they got

stronger, closer together, or I displayed other labor signs...Wouldn’t

you know, right after I hung up the phone, they did start to get

stronger! Bill and I had made pizza for dinner and by 9:00 or so, when

we were trying to eat, I really had to start focusing on the

contractions and managing the pain. We brought our dinner up to the

bathroom so I could eat in the bathtub. The decision to eat in the

bathtub really was the moment of truth. Bill and I finally figured out

that you were on your way. I felt a mixture of excitement and panic.

Excitement because your long awaited arrival was coming soon, but panic

because becoming a mother was truly inevitable at that point. And I was

worried how I was going to get through this, that something would go

wrong, that I would somehow make a fool of myself in this process. What

a silly concern in retrospect, that last one. I now know that your body

totally takes over, no need for performance anxiety because you do what

you need to do at each moment. Birth is definitely not choreographed.

It felt pretty good to hang out in the tub and I was glad I ate a little

something because I didn’t want or get any food until much much later.

It was hard to get comfy on the hard tub surface...We went to bed after

that to try to get some rest but I found I couldn’t stay in bed. I

spent a long time under a hot shower, which actually felt better than

the tub, and then tried to sleep again. It was just hard because I’d

doze off and then another contraction would come. And I kept having to

go to the bathroom. That was no picnic because sitting on the toilet

really hurt. Sitting seemed to be the most uncomfortable position for

me, although I remember one of the women in my email group said that was

the most comfortable way for her to labor. But not for me! I lost my

mucous plug around 11:00 and it was disgusting! I was standing up from

the toilet and it just plopped out and landed on the edge of the seat.

If I hadn’t known what it was, I would have been really scared! Bill

called Marilee back and she had gone to another birth. They arranged

for her to meet us at our house around 3:30 AM. That was fine with me

because we were doing OK on our own. The contractions hurt mainly in my

back. I’d expected some pain around front but really the pain in my

back was most of it. I kept trying to get Bill to time them but he

would not cooperate! Looking at the watch kept putting him to sleep.

He’d been up so late all week trying to tie up things at work that he

was exhausted. I guess it was nice for one of us to get some sleep but

it made me cry and I felt very lonely then. I also had visions of

going into transition at home and not making it to the hospital. As

much as I wanted a drug-free birth, I wasn’t THAT sure I could do it.

So the idea of having the baby at home was really scary not to mention

that an unattended birth was never in the plans.

Around 1:00 AM, I had some bleeding, the "bloody show." Again, another

wave of panic because it was proof that labor was progressing, but at

the same time I was happy to know that labor was progressing. The

contractions were very serious now and I hated the thought that I might

be going through that only to have my labor stall. I finally got Bill

up to start timing them. Around 2:30 or so they were about 3-5 minutes

apart and lasting nearly a minute. Dr. J-C had said to call her when

they were 5 minutes apart, lasting a full minute, and when I couldn’t

talk through them. I figured this was as close to that description as I

was going to get. I was also still sort of panicking that Bill would go

to sleep and I’d have to have the baby in bed by myself. I insisted he

call Dr. J-C and she said to meet her at the hospital. Bill checked the

bag I’d packed for the hospital and then tried to find me some clothes

to wear. Next time, I’ll make sure to have something planned. I didn’t

have any clothes on because I’d spent so much time in the shower and the

idea of getting dressed just seemed impossible. Bill found me some

maternity shorts, a big t-shirt, and my birk sandals, all pretty easy to

get on. Then, we made our way out to the car. I’ll tell you, THAT was

a long walk and Bill even pulled the car up in front of the house. And

even though the hospital is only 4 miles away, that was the longest 4

mile ride I’ve ever had....Of course we had to go to the emergency room

entrance because it was so late. The emergency room entrance is about

10 miles from labor and delivery. The security card got us a wheelchair

and let us in. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to walk or ride in the

wheelchair. I chose the wheelchair but that ride was just as bad as the

car ride, with all the door thresholds and wavy linoleum we had to

cross. I ditched the wheelchair when we got to the elevator to go up to

labor and delivery. When we got upstairs, I had to sign several forms

even though I’d preregistered. I hate signing things without reading

them carefully. Marilee had actually suggested I call the hospital to

get them to fax the forms just so I could read them in advance. I never

got around to it and I stood there trying to read them as best I could.

Then I signed away. Apparently my handwriting looked pretty funny but

at least I signed my name and not an X. They showed me to my room.

Bill started unpacking the CD player and I got into a hospital gown and

answered administrative questions. I can’t remember what all they asked

me but some of the stuff was pretty stupid and I didn’t have a lot of

patience for it. Marilee arrived shortly after that and we got down to

business.

Most hospitals, at least around here, want you to spend 20 minutes on

the electronic fetal monitor for a baseline strip of the baby’s heart

rate in conjunction with your contractions. Then, they want to monitor

you for 20 minutes each hour after that. This was one of the practices

we really didn’t want.... I didn’t have much of a choice on the baseline

strip. So I got in the rocking chair and sat there for 50 long

minutes! It was horrible because sitting was still a very uncomfortable

position. The nurse was looking for your heart rate to increase a

certain amount after a contraction and even though your heart rate was

increasing, it didn’t meet the hospital policy. Marilee said you were

just fine and Bill asked for me to be taken off. The nurse went to

confer with all the other nurses and they took me off. Let me say a

word about the nurses…We had talked with a friend of our childbirth

instructor who’s a nurse at the hospital to get the low down on all the

policies and procedures. She was actually there when we got to the

hospital but was working with someone else. She did, however, make sure

we had L/D nurses who had used natural childbirth to deliver their

babies and she looked in on me periodically. I am sure that this is why

they were able to bend the policy. In addition, I never had to get back

on the EFM. The nurses used a doptone to monitor your heartbeat

periodically. This allowed them to monitor you more frequently and for

me to be any place and in any position that was comfortable. Marilee

was shocked! She said she’d never seen any hospital so cooperative on

that. And I think it was because of the nurses we had. I am so glad we

did our homework there!

The nurse checked me and said I was 4 centimeters dialated. Marilee

said 0 to 4 centimeters took the longest and that I was doing great.

Marilee was an excellent source of support for both Bill and me. She

helped Bill better apply what we learnt in our childbirth classes and

she was so positive, always telling me how well I was doing. Sounds

trite but it really made a difference to me at the time. Actually, all

of the nurses were saying that I was making their job so easy because I

was so calm. I told them that "I bet they say that to all the girls!"

I wonder what they must see in there. Anyway, I went back and forth

between laboring in the shower on my hands and knees and in the room

leaning over a cabinet. Someone suggested walking but I found that I

just couldn’t. Once I got in a position, I didn’t want to change. The

act of changing positions was painful and seemed to require too much

exertion. Bill and Marilee spent a lot of time trying to coax me into

new positions to move things along. When Dr. J-C got there, she checked

me again and I was at 7 centimeters. I can’t remember what time it was

at that point but I was surprised because nothing seemed to hurt anymore

than it did at 4 centimeters. And I wasn’t really all that tired from a

physical standpoint. Back to the showers for me!

My water still hadn’t broken though. Someone, I think it was Marilee,

suggested that the Dr. could break it to move things along. I really

wasn’t keen on that since I’d heard it made the contractions hurt more

and didn’t necessarily move things along. That turned out to be a moot

point anyway because it broke on its own soon after that. Marilee

suggested I sit on the toilet backwards, something I remember was

supposed to be a good laboring position. Well I did, (even though I

really didn’t want to since sitting on the toilet still hurt whether it

was backwards or forwards). And my water broke right then with a loud

POP! They heard it out in the LD room. It scared me! Marilee reminded

me not to flush the toilet because the nurses need to see if the fluid

was clear or not. It was clear. I went back out to the room and

resumed leaning over the cabinet. Marilee showed Bill how to apply

counterpressure to my hips to open up my pelvis. That felt good! It

didn’t take away the pain but it reduced it a lot. I made Bill press

hard hard hard! The hind water came out then all over the floor.

Miraculously, I missed Bill’s new shoes. Dr. J-C came to check me again

and found I was a 8 centimeters but had an anterior cervical lip. That

means that the front part of my cervix wasn’t effaced and that I

shouldn’t push because it would cause the cervix to swell and then it

would be much harder to get the baby out vaginally. Of course, by then,

my body wanted to push and there was no way to stop it. I went back to

the shower on my hands and knees and tried not to push but it just kept

happening, in little short pushes. I don’t know how long I spent like

this but when Dr. J-C came back, the situation had not improved. This

was the first time I’d had any feedback that I wasn’t making progress

and it kind of cracked me psychologically. I just wanted it to be over,

or at least to press the pause button for a little while because there

didn’t seem to be any rest between the contractions. Some of the things

I thought would work for me in labor didn’t. I thought visualizing what

was happening inside my body would help it work faster but instead it

seemed to hurt more. I felt like I’d retreated to a dark cave.

Although I could hear everyone around me, I didn’t want to come out.

Marilee kept trying to get me to try a supported squat, but I was so

scared to squat because every time I’d passed through that position on

the way to another, it was way intense. And, I was scared of pushing.

The labor part had always seemed manageable to me but actually pushing

the baby out frightened me. I had this internal argument…you have to

try something different so you can get the baby out….but I’m scared and

it hurts….but what you’re doing now hurts, you can’t just stay like

this….not even for awhile longer?….you know that’s not what you want,

listen to you calling out to God, every other known deity, and some

you’ve made up….OK let’s go. Bill got in the shower with me and sat on

the fold down seat. I turned around, put my arms over his legs and let

myself dangle in a squatting position. All of a sudden, things felt

totally different. I knew you were RIGHT THERE and I said so! Marilee

said, "What’s here?" I said "It’s here!" She looked down, saw my

perineum bulging, and ran screaming out of the room "Stop! Stop! Get the

doctor!"

Dr. J-C came rushing in, ready to deliver you right there on the shower

floor! I think if things had been any further along, she would have

done it. Instead, she grabbed my arm and said, "Come on sweetpea! What

if the cord’s around its neck?" I got in the bed, they turned on the

big delivery lights, and Marilee remembered to ask me if I wanted a

mirror to watch. I said yes. Marilee cleaned my glasses off while they

were setting up the mirror. Somehow, I’d always envisioned that I’d be

wearing my contacts. Don’t know what I was thinking. This whole scene

put a slowdown on my contractions. I didn’t want to push anymore, the

urge just wasn’t as strong. I was very scared, since this was the

moment of truth. No longer could I talk myself into relaxing. Good

thing Dr. J-C has a authoritative voice. She’s the one I remember

commanding me to relax my shoulders. It was time to push you out so

that’s what I did! It seemed like it took forever. I think I was

yelling with each push until someone told me it was better not to do

that. I also kept shutting my eyes until someone reminded me that I’d

miss the birth if I kept doing that! Dr. J-C counted to 10 so I would

know how long to keep going. That helped a lot although I kept feeling

like I couldn’t get enough breath to do the next one. When your head

crowned, she let me stop so I could reach down and touch you! I kept

saying, Please God, let this be the last one! (I was yelling pretty

loud...I'm sure I scared the other patients and their families!) I

heard Dr. J-C say that I was tearing and I think she numbed my perineum

at that point with something. Then, I gave one last push and your head

was out! But you weren’t crying yet and I couldn’t remember if that was

normal or not. Dr. J-C suctioned your mouth and nose so you could

breath. Then I pushed again and your shoulders slid through. That hurt

more than I thought it would but it was quick. You turned over, slid

out, and I saw you were a boy! It’s a boy! They wrapped you in a

blanket and gave you to me right away! I will never forget this as long

as I live.