A Hawk That Once Lived As a Mouse
A Smile That Sneaked Into My World.
My First Real Attempt at Suicide
Sleep Like There is a Bright
Tomorrow
I have no clue why
I want to scream
I want to cry
feels like a dream
I have no sense of time
there is no wrong or right
I am going to explode
in a passionate song
I will look so bad
to all my friends
they do not understand
I don’t know where to hide
my head.
I did not scream
it was all a bad dream
the tears I shed
will dry from my head
no one knew felt pain
"I still look great", she said
I did not scream
it was all a bad dream
Well I find it hard to label
a bird that fell out of the tree.
I mean chick is probably destine
to be a cats entrée'
the only thing that happened
in most cases you will find
is that there was a eager young foul
that really wanted to fly.
Thanx to its high-strung spirit
the little bird must lie in the grass
not knowing just when which
peep will be its last.
So he sits there still and quiet,
even when Mom has a relay neat worm
he worries of danger all around him
even when there is no harm
He wakes up from sleep wanting to scream
when he realizes the flashback was just a dream
soon he weighs less than he should
so flight is not easy -- that's no good
finally comes the day he can fly.
It is the day he must fly.
nature, time and instincts take their course,
and soon up in the skies
lives a hawk that once lived like a mouse.
Lord, please be gracious
with the peace there is in you
many among us desire it
some have great faith too
please do not consider
the amount that I deserve
lest Lord, please just please
please just calm my nerves
If for just one morning
I'd smile at the day's new birth
and have the energy to jump and run
oh what that would be worth
An then the whole day through
I could laugh and sing and play
I would song your praises
tell your glory, every day
and if at night I would not cry
until medicated to close my eyes
wondering if today was my last
wondering if tomorrow I would die
Peace of mind is yours to give lord,
I have begged and now I pray
please Lord if you deem it good
please grand me another good day.
I promise not to take allot of your precious time
especially when it is just me talking
I want to thank you for all of your precious "hi"’s
I know it may seem a bit shocking
every time you say hello
I say to myself, "Vic"
"What can possibly keep you low?"
"what can make you sick?"
because here is this girl in all her pain
taking time to say
"Hi", to me and making sure
to brighten up my day
She may not see the gift
that every time says "hello"
I can close my eyes and see
her smile and a prayer.
Somewhere in the night
there lies a dream
that I once dreamt.
It is full of light
and it would seem
I knew what it meant
a long long time ago
I lost the meaning
the dream, the light the innocence
I just let go
I quit
trying to even make any sense
of a child's dream
made of a child's world
in a child's frame of mind
then the nightmares came.
big and bad and ugly
soon I learned to forget.
I learned to dream tamer
so as not to scream
I've not had a heart attack yet.
Now I watch the stars till dawn
looking really hard
for the light, the dream I lost years ago.
it seems the light
was the sunrise
even when I was 9 years old.
I remember now it is clear as day
I was just another kid.
playing king of the mountain
I did all things kids did.
They used to call me crazy,
I would call them wacko back
I remember Barbara had a crush on me
till I painted her pig-tails black
I can smile just remembering
everything that was
it is good -- well it is a smile
that sneaked into my world.
Lord help her I ask you please
as I sit in my chair typing keys
true I do not know her name, still she is my friend
her heart has been revealed to me time and again
she has comforted many people
she has shed tears on my behalf
she has shown me many many times
that life is definitely the better path
Lord I ask of you
to have her understand
in her hour of need
I will reach out my hand
I am sure she has not lost faith
I doubt that she is even close
please grant her your inner peace
is what I ask the most
you will heal her spirit
time will heal her flesh
her inspiration will demand
life is not over yet.
vic
Acceptance is not perfection
they are two different words
I mean flaws are what make us real
at least that is what I've heard
People are people
so what do you say
that's the way the song goes
there is work and there is play
We try to please our loved ones
and we try not to fail
depending on our nature
we sometimes fail ourselves
I accept those that I love
no need for pomp or circumstance
that is the way that I am
that is the way I dance
I have found
beyond my dream of dreams
my acceptance
to them works the same way it seems
I am not in your situation
I am sure I don't understand it all
I will leave showing my complete hand
You know I am not going to say it
I am not going to say a thing
I will fail you will accept and understand
I have never been too good with the quotes in the bible
there are some really great ones I hear them all the
time, but quotes isn't exactly what praying is all about
anyways.
I offer a prayer that comes from my heart,
I know it will be well received
And what I pray for saves me when times are hard.
it is Jesus' own inner peace.
I know you will weather the storms.
but at what price I wonder inside.
Some times it seems we are alone.
and all that is good in us has died.
There is an inner peace. One that I cannot describe.
that helps. believe me its true.
why would I lie.
may His peace be with you.
I wish I could say every day would be all right,
and every time it was proper you would sleep at night
every dream that you remember would make a smile
every time you wanted to you'd go that "extra mile"
but that is not to be.
Medicines are nice they help our cause,
and lifestyles the must change too.
But to be painfully honest
time is the only cure.
I wish I were more patient
as a patient is supposed to be
because the steps that may seem backward
are the ones that help us heal
and I wish it didn't hurt so much
every time we fall.
and I wish there would be one last time
to say, "finally I have it all".
I call his name When ...
. . . feel pain I know it will be gone
. . . it rains I call in the drops I hear a song
. . . I am lonely I call and I know he is right beside me
. . . no one will hold me and no longer do I need
. . . I am alone in a crowd them not a stranger do I see.
. . . I have to scream out loud I end up screaming unto the Lord
. . . and somehow I am proud when I feel like I have sung the perfect chord.
Nothing is impossible
nothing is unstoppable
God knows the pain in our lives.
have faith that He loves you
and yes I believe it is true
take pleasure in the gifts that he give.
Sure we had laughter
sure we had tears
and sure we had minutes
but what about years.
I know there are times
when it seems no one cares
when in the darkness
you are alone and really scared.
don't count the footprints
they sometimes lie
just count your pulse
it is mime.
Cry if you must
for days gone by
but believe me it does not help
memories can embellish
soft sun light
and how wonderful it felt
time are tough now
I do not argue with that,
and that is the way it is
I am sorry that life
has hurt you
the cure goes beyond a kiss
The cure that is funny
I mean I am messed up
messed up as all the rest
I have had doctors guessing
about what might help me
they have only clues and an educated guess
I have swallowed a dozen pills each day
for a decade actually eight years
and sure I can talk to strangers now
but my friends bring me to tears
oh yeha days gone by
I forgot all about them
I was saying how it doesn't help
a bit to remember when
I do believe it doesn't help
but hey what can it hurt
even eleven years of good times
when times are bad can divert.
The cure is quite simple
it is not found in any pill
for it there is no prescription
there is not even a hefty bill
it is hope and prayer
kindness and love
it is genuine respect
from all involved
that its not just me
that is being cured
by God's loving hand
of this I am sure
for scientist are getting smarter
love is being redefined
a simple smile
I can broaden a skeptic's mind
I am a person let that be known
no better no worse than the next
sure I long for the day I am better
but today I am glad I am blessed
lack of feeling
lack of emotion and goodness too
walking in darkness
I disappear from view
darkness envelops my body
darkness captures my soul
I am not talking about lack of light
I am referring to losing control
I don’t care -- I think I should though
I really want to, I think
but I cant remember why
the further into the pit I sink
Oh I hear the words "Choose life"
and "Things are not all that bad"
I know I am not gonna die
even though I am sad
I am meant to be in darkness
I can put a on grease paint smile
I will fain joy now and again
Lonely and sad is not so bad for a while
If I thought for just one moment,
that I could do some good.
I would reach inside my soul
and give everything I could
I would give and give, and give,
and give, and give some more
till all that was left of me
was a bare depleted core
people would come from miles around
just to see the sight
of the spot where
one man made things right
they would come and look into my eyes
that is if I still did live
and see a man that is just too weak
a man that cannot give.
I have looked into those eyes somewhere
I cannot quite place the sight.
It was morning yeha I am remembering
I had waken from the night
I brushed my teeth, and washed my face
I was just about to shave
In the mirror I saw a worthless soul
that knew not how to behave.
He had the strength to help for sure
and only one thing was clear
that nothing can paralyze a spirit
like ignorance and fear
I can help I know I can
I know it won't make me weak
In fact I will probably grow stronger
one step closer to the peak.
I hope that I feel this way tomorrow,
I somehow doubt I will
maybe I can find solace
after taking all my pills
I need a plan Yeha that is what I need
to make me a better man
I know I hate the lime light
so in the shadows I must stand
maybe I could ask for help,
an ad in the local rag
and find cause that could use
a reason to up and brag
not just any cause of course I know
I want one that is right for me
I want to help the people
that are in real need
I want to help the poor,
the homeless and the oppressed
the female that has not a voice
and man that was to wear a dress.
and I want to help the hungry
the stupid that can't get work
and anyone that classified
as a class A grade I jerk
I want to help the writers
of those country songs
and everyone that has had to struggle
with a used car for too long
and don't forget the rich folk
their life is way hard too.
every year come around taxes
they pay a percent or two
The animals need help most of all
because they can't even talk
I want to pay for surgeries
so that every hamster can walk
I think the cold is curable
There must be more studies done.
The war on drugs is loosing.
we must make sure drugs are not fun.
Traffic is getting better
no one has been shot lately
but I think I will see to it
that target practice is mandatory
loose moral there is a spot
that I can surely fix.
by the punishment for men without morals
will be cutting off their income.
That is the first day of my great crusade
I better go to sleep now.
maybe I will fix delusions of grandeur
if I have time some how.
here is a poem few will understand
yet many will think they do.
It is about how I want to end it all
get it all over, done, and through.
Yes I want to wake up one day
and cut out what is ailing me
look in the mirror and just say "you putz"
"are you so blind you can't see"
"that day after day there is a problem"
"and it is only getting worse"
"life is not going the way you want"
"not the way that you rehearsed."
"End all the madness and silly stuff"
"and walk the path of life"
"like you are healthy"
"and stop living this lie."
"I mean saying today that tomorrow"
"you will feel good enough to have fun"
"Buck up realize that it will just be sorrow"
"then maybe you can get things done"
"End all the delusions that there will come a day"
"that you can hold a job"
"for more that a season of the year"
"without quitting and starting to sob"
"Get over the feeling some call pride"
"It was years ago that it went away"
"Get over the intense wanting to cry"
"Get over caring it’s the safest way"
No
I cannot live just for the moment
just waiting to die
I may not succeed every time ,
but I will always try
and when I look into tomorrow
It may be dark. I may be scared
but one sunset at a time
I will find my way there
I will end it all
if "IT" consists of my self pity
and to get "IT" over with for good
I will not stay sitting
I will FIGHT
I will WIN
I will LOSE gracefully
And FIGHT again
I will RACE until
Until I FINISH
I will
well I will
I will end all the bad things I can control
and I will get over the ones I cannot.
One day a man wen on a journey
for the path that would lead to the forest.
He left his home and traveled by night
because he thought it was the best
At night he could guard against daemons
and all that nocturnally prey
and sleeping as the sun shone
he felt that he was safe.
Also the afternoon sun was hot
in the land that he was from
so traveling by night was genies
And everyone called him dumb.
Well then one day beyond a the final tree
he saw that path and rejoiced
"The path to the forest!" he exclaimed
in a towering manly voice.
Soon he would find all the plants that he needed
for medicine, and dies, and food.
he started to run faster and faster,
alas he was the fool
for he walked on for miles and saw not a tree
just deserts, and animals, and sand
NYC
oh say can you see
a terrible page in history
It is a world of sinners
it is a world of crime
now it seems we are all beginners
living in a new less innocent time
Live we must
live we will
to just survive
with no thrill
would be to admit defeat
so remember September 9th
if you really can
think of the headlines
remember your daily plan
if like me that is too hard,
think of ten minutes from now
what can be done to live and maybe smile
like looking at a cloud
maybe it is raining,
that makes for a good day to clean
maybe there is a good movie
that you haven’t seen
I know what I like to do
the things that make life full and fun
somehow I think you do to
the tough part is to get things done.
Hi,
I sit here hoping
that everything is fine
that you are feeling peachy
that you have peace of mind
I am so many miles away,
I can't even offer a hug
but maybe if I try real hard
I can share a little love.
I can share the part of my soul
that really wants to play
you know the part I talk of
the part that runs all day
It is the inherent energy
of a three year old child
Some say that we out grow it
to me that seems wild.
I mean I still have it sure I do,
I looks silly when I show it.
but let me tell you
the energy helps not to quit.
I fear I may not make you smile
some times we are meant to cry.
If that helps you go on so be it
let the tears by.
When you have added an inch to the lake,
and you can cry no more
Jump on the bed, or squirt Hubby some
find your "energy" once more
I suppose it is "easy to say"
I mean life is not so cut and dry
I do not pretend to know
how you feel as I sit and write.
If you are felling great, and I brought you down
oops is all I can really say
But if Get well soon is proper right about now
then I'll be here whenever you want to play.
Give me the strength Lord
to give it my all
when times are tough
and I want to fall
please grant me the luxury
of seeing your peace
even when life torments me
and my troubles don't cease
I beg that when I am down
with my heart on my sleeve
that I look twice and that I see
there is cause to believe
for I am in your image Lord
you are aware that I suffer
There is greatness in me
I can't see through the tears
and the wiser I get
the less are my fears.
once in a while Lord
All that I ask
Is an occasional smile
I remember from my the past.
The strength that I asked for,
well I suppose I know
it grows inside me
as I grow.
Once a long long long long time ago
the very first instant appeared
before that there was no time
deadlines were not feared
since that day time moved on
at a steady even pace
setting the stage for the main event
called the human race. (I like to think so)
Time marched till the moment
I saw you again
I swear for just an instant
it stopped
I was visiting a friend.
I want to write the words
that everyone wants to hear
just as I have lived my life
so that no one sheds a tear
I am tired of saying I feel good
if I feel like poop
I am tired of hiding a smile
when I really want to
I am tired of taking medicines
that make me fat and stupid
I am tired of getting blood level checks
by a tired underpaid phlabotomist
I am tired of feeling good
ant then feeling sad
I am tired of waking up one morning
wondering what day we are at
I am tired of getting fired
and grinning and saying thankyou
I am tired of not ever
ever ever ever ever telling the truth
I am tired of knowing I have gone thru hell
to get to where I am with no one to tell
I am tired of being so proud of me
only my mirror and med records see
I am tired I really am
I want to be normal already
I am tired of knowing there will never be a cure
just pills that get slightly better and cost more
I am tired of know I am a the freak
at the but of late nights jokes
I am tired of only crying at night
so no one need to know
I am tired of hiding all that I have to offer
creativity and words that rhyme
I am tired of knowing that some day maybe soon
I may run out of time
You would think as tired as I am
I would sleep even with bad dreams and all
but I will sleep when I can
I will sleep when I get too tired.
"yeah, I know how you feel."
How could it be
how in the world
could you know
how I feel
You have a clue
maybe some pain
but you don't know
what goes on in my brain
don't tell me a lie
because I know that you care
I know you mean well
but at least play fair.
don't try to fix me
as you wipe my tears
and realize you have yours
and that I have my fears
You don't know
believe me
I know what I say
when I say
that I hurt
that I am in pain
if I could describe it
I would have by now
but descriptions alone
are useless some how
no this is more
than stubbing your toe
there are no band aids
for this that I know
I am sorry for times
that I treated you bad
and more for the times
that I was sad
and you could just stand there
feeling bad
because you love me
being helplessness just makes you mad
but trust me I know
there will be a day
that we will look back and laugh
some how some way
No, not tomorrow
no not next year.
that day is way off
I really do fear.
but so is the day
I first fell in this pit
it doesn’t seem that long ago
now does it?
yes I am tiered too,
now I must rest
I feel I am lucky
I feel I am blessed
to have a friend
like you by my side.
what do you mean you know how I feel?
well,
I will let that one slide.
I smile if I want to smile
it is only fair
don’t think for even an instant
it means that I don’t care
I care
I care
I feel
I grieve
I cry
I laugh
I smile
I wonder why
I remember
I regret
I ponder
I try to forget
I pray
I forgive
I feel loss
I live
I really had a hard time accepting any good feelings. I felt as though if I laughed when I thought something was funny, I was acting improper. Allot of the people I talk to now feel the same way.
I am not telling knock knock jokes around town, but I am not forcing depression on myself to impress my neighbors either.
I am back where I started
I have been here before
time and time again
no longer can I see this
as the beginning
I feel this is the end
Make no mistake
I tried my best
my success just never came
I am not angry
I am not sad
I am just insane
If I take
another step
what good would it do
walking in circles
running in place
hoops that I've jumped thru
I have my sights set on higher ground
there is a mountain
I must climb
I don’t know that I can
but I realize
I must try
I saw the doc earlier today
he said that I was fine.
I turned my head and coughed
he was off to the next patient in line.
and later I saw the psychiatrist
she too said things were well
I take my pills responsibly
that much she could tell
well after I got home today
I wondered if I was wrong
but isn't it true a healthy man
doesn't heal for so so long.
I mean I got "sick" so long ago
all I remember is the date.
was my twist of fate.
and since then I have been getting "better"
what the hell does that mean
when will I be able to say
there was a day I was not healthy
when will look back and laugh
and not just want to cry?
when will I never ever ever ever
think I want to die?
I mean I can pray I know of faith
it was fed to me as a kid
and patience I have a mess of that
at least I thought I did
but there comes a time for action
acting is all I do
if 2 doctors with years of experience
said I am okay, its true
and all this on a day
I need only the slightest chance
to scream and jump and cry and rant, and rave and ...
at even a persons wrong glance
well I lived through today
I will live through tomorrow
I will make it through the next day too
That is what they say
though I feel sorrow
I will make it through
I know that there is a reason
I know there is a rhyme
I know that some how I am living
and surviving at the present time
and if there should come a weakness
that leads to my last gasp of air
I know I will have given everything
at this moment I care.
That my friends is important to know
that I care right here and now
it is not very important
what I care about
But I really feel I am doing fine
as I turn out the light
I will sleep and dream
till the mornings light.
I saw the doctors today
they said I was okay
who am I to argue
what good would come anyways.
good night
vic
I want to say "good morning
as we pas every day
at least say hello
as our eyes meet every day
I want to introduce myself
as we meet on the bus
I know that we would smile
instead of being so serious
I want to say "thank you"
for the encouragement at work
I don’t my lips stay silent
I feel like a jerk
I want to say "can I sit here"
or maybe "do you mind"
instead I take a healthy lunch walk
to a park bench I call mine
I want to tell the funny jokes
beside the water cooler too
but I can never seem to get them right
was it a monkey a priest, and a Jew?
there we are on the same buss home
I still don't say a word
out eyes meet as they have before
it really seems absurd
I want to open up the door
to my castle my home once more
I want to say "I am HOOOOME"
and hear love say "close the door"
I want to eat a meal
at a table set for more than one
so when I say grace I can see the face
of a person that loves me just for fun
I want to say "God, Thank You"
for another day
I didn’t say as single word
that might get in the way
I am tired of saying I am sorry
or I did not mean to say that
I am tired of making friend
only to leave them flat
I am tired because I want to cry
when I do things that are wrong
I am tired of just accepting my wrongness
as I turn up the volume on a song
am tired so I sleep
it is easier than facing the day
I am tired so I sleep
it is just my way
I am tired so I sleep
if I wake I just close my eyes
I am tired so I sleep
and pray I never wake
I will wake and the funny thing is
I will be tired.
If you are reading this
I have never lost a friend.
I have never lost a love.
I have never lost a dollar.
that I didn't think of.
I can't stop you from sleeping Rose
I know better than to try.
If you never read this
I will try not to cry
I will try.
If you read this you will know that
I am writing from the heart.
the journey is almost over
even though you chose not to start.
It will be rougher every day
this I will assure to you
that yesterday wasn't the last day
that you couldn't pull through.
I will try
No, tomorrow has its demons
and they are stronger than you think
You have walked throughout hell Rose
and in your strength you forgot to blink
Pictures are engraved
in your soul no one should endure
Dante could have used them You must.
Use them.
Find beauty. Find the pure.
I will try.
Rose I know that it seems we've no power
at times to even take another step.
and sometimes even to breathe
takes way too much pep.
but alas rose I am telling you there will be a moment
that you look back at a century gone by
and laugh loudly at satin and hell and earth from heaven.
after I draw my last breath
I will try.
I have proven a man can live alone
I am not really proud of that
I am an average face in the crowd
maybe a little fat
I don't have a friend to bury me
should I get hit by a truck
nobody will even know that I am gone
till my rent lady gets stuck
I need to love again somehow
I am certain that I can
after all I am average
I am a common man
I wish I could just remember
the words I need to find
to begin with I must ask for help
if you do not mind.
Thankyou for taking the time to read
all what I have to say
it shows that you care
that is rare in a very special way
I am in pain but I will survive,
but this probably already occurred to you
the human mind and body
is stronger than most of us ever knew
I will tell you about what is bothering me
if you promise not to laugh
because it is really quite insignificant
but not from my behalf
You see I am alone
When I was small I would go play
in the sandbox after lunch
and my friends would join me sooner or later
unless it was raining too much
as I grew up there the sandbox grew,
but the concept was the same
I mean sooner or later I could count
on someone to come and play
well here I am on the edge
it is where I want to be
I moved twelve hundred miles
to live on the Atlantic beach
sure AT&T reminds me
there is more than casual hellos
but I am lonely
and life is going wrong
My meds don’t work and I don’t have a job
and I hate the thoughts I think
I mean no body would even notice
if I swam east a while and then sink
Alas I have already picked
old age as my suicide of choice
I know my career is waiting for me
I can hear its little voice (just kidding)
and as for the fact that my sand box is too big
I don't know what to do
but maybe you know is there a pill?
maybe pink or maybe blue.
Once a gain thankyou for reading my words
I suppose I just needed to type
believe I usually don’t type this much
thankyou for letting me vent.
I'm feeling low
here by my self
I'm feeling low
like I'm on a shelf
I do suppose
its my fault I know
but that don't change the fact
I'm feeling low
there is Jesus
he is on my side
oh thank you Lord Jesus
for filling me with pride
you will be here tomorrow
this much I know
as you have been here today
when I am feeling low
there can be no good days
if there are to be no bad
all the days would be alike
and I don't think I'd want that
at the moment
I would like a bit of company
a tangible smile or even a tear
I am feeling alone you see
but I will cry till sun set
I will cry till late
my tears will dry I will sleep
as I medicate
mid morning at my place
I lie still and quiet
till I can no longer sleep
I look about and realize
I am feeling low
here all by my self
another damned day
on this tiled floored shelf
thank you Lord for hearing my prayers
but I'm gonna pray again
Lord, creator of heavens and earth
help me find a friend.
Rosie, fret not. I am not really feeling low, I just had this bitchin blues riff in my head( I think it belongs to Stevie Ray Vaughn), and then BB King himself started sinning, and then the next thing I know this poem was born, after only a few moments of labor.
The poem doesn't read very well, but I haven't written for a long time to anyone. if you have anything special for me to write about (no smut, I know that goes without saying) please suggest away.
I do hope this note does not find you ore leave you singing the blues, after all you are the friend I was asking for in the song.
Vic.
I’m gonna die and it sucks
there is nothing I can do
and to everyone sayin "Yes, there is"
I was once like you
standing on the outside
laughing at the grease paint smiles
hell bent on the notion
that breathing is worth while
what happened? I cant tell you
where my path just stopped
I suppose I looked around
I suppose my expectations droped
no longer am I waiting
for a friend by my side
no longer do I see the need
I can just go away
after all my life is mine
death happens all the time why not to me
for once I will walk in the sun
no grease paint on my face
I will frown tears may fall
for once I will sleep to escape
how I feel when I am awake
sleep oh precious sleep eternal
Istillpray
The Lord has answered
Every prayer I have ever inspired
true at times the answers
were not the ones that I desired
so sill I pray
I pray for a best friend
that knows when to be much more
I pray for a simple gal
that isn't drawn by gold’s allure
I pray for a hand to hold
so I won't feel alone
I pray for those conversations
the ones that really hit home
I pray for patience and understanding
in this ever so important quest
I am so demanding because
there is no such thing as second best.
it should hav been me
every day someone dies
people mourn their loss
and in almost every case
society has paid a cost
as I sit here typing
at tear falls
because of how I feel
nature calls
It should have been me
that is dead
and the valuable person
should get ahead
it should have been me
everyone knows
it is just a matter of time
before I go
It should have been me
I want to die
no one will even miss me
I will wear a disguise
it should have been
I deserve peace
burning in hell
would be a relief
it should have been me
I could have replaced a child
that would someday find a cure
for greed
I have no right to wish for death
it is selfish this I know
maybe I am worthless
but that is the way it goes
My tears are drying I am confused
but grateful for your time
especially thankful for a friendly place
to sit and post my rhyme
It should have been me this very night
that did something stupid and rash
but I didn’t that is what happened
maybe it is part of His plan.
just one more day
There was a day actually a night
that I decided to die
I knew that I would be happier
at least it was worth a try.
I took a 2 liter bottle
dissolved a bunch of stuff
anything I could find
that would kill me just enough
I succeeded I was dead
the monitors line was flat
my solution worked
how about that
for years I believed
I really was dead
when life is hell
it plays with your head.
Thank God you are alive
everyone would say
I hate that still
I hate it this day.
alas time passed, I healed
and I learned to smile
I even learned to dream
recently I have discovered
that dreams come true
if you have faith and you believe.
The solution ... the answer
the best angle to take
Lies not our perception
but rather the life we make
in our least significant prayers.
Your decisions are your own
to say death is not a choice
well that would be a lie,
One I cannot voice
but the way I see it
there will come a day
the door to life will close
why not fight just one more day
Life is good, that is not bad
at least it should not be
why is it that when I am smiling
I turn on the TV
Sure these are troubled times
with all that has transpired
but I will be damned if
I sit down and stay tired
I run in the sun
I play in the night
I laugh at the good jokes
I live my life
sure I look twice under my bed
and when I fall asleep
a few bad thoughts
creep into my head
But when I wake in the morning
and greet another day
all I can say
is
Life is good.
I remember sunlight
smiling as it set on my face
I remember puddle hopping
in the hard tropical rain
I remember smiling
I can't remember why
smiling was such a little thing
I didn't have to try
Now I live rather I survive
for the little things I search
I look every day really hard
I know how much they are worth
I don't have to tell you
how hard it is to try
to look for stupid little things
with a tear in my eye.
I stand tall when I explain to a person
that I am a few cards short of a deck
knowing full well they will never look upon me
the same but what the heck
I know of the stigma and the looks and the talk
that goes on behind my back
I refused to be labeled crazy
just because of a panic attack
my voice is only one
I know it is really not loud
I will be damned if I am put to shame
Just because I am proud!
I am sick. that is all
and till now there is no cure
Doctors guess at what will help
but no one knows for sure
I intend to talk
before it is too late
because if there is no language
how can we educate.
I mean really.
if the average Joe only knows the bad things about mental illness what is he to think? and lets face it most printed current events are bad.
my intent? oh yeha my intent, help shed a bit of light on darkness. I know I don't light too much, but hey maybe I might just light a fire.
Sorry to be so bold
and try to make a point
but Love is not finite
it cannot be controlled
passion lust and even greed
those all fade away
admiration, fascination and need
can be lost any given day
Love
in its purest form
Love
does not conform
Love
it just is
Love
fond in a kiss
Love
not found in words
Love
rather in how they are heard
Live is simple, much like a light
of the sunny day
hate, and illness can tend to blind
and seem to take love away
though it may seem that there is none left
fear not for it is just night
sooner than you think morning will come
and love will shine bright.
rays of sunlight through the leaves
of short fat little trees
butterflies seeming to float
almost taunting me
the warmth of the sunlight
on my skin as I take a casual stroll
chocolate, oh yes chocolate
in a cake that has ice cream in it roll
the sound of birds at sun set
heading for their home
the sun sets on Lake Erie
way beyond the foam
the night is coming slowly
darkness takes its place
and romance well, at least hormones
have a chance to race
I have always belonged to the night
every aspect is amplified
Seemingly short are the minutes
till another red sunrise
Sure these are memories of yesterday
happy one I keep of friends
but today I was happy
making memories once again
Though my song may be a sad one
when my days are through
there are verses that are fun
there are words that will ring true
and maybe everyone cannot see the sunset
as a work of art
but it is when the night begins
the darkness in my heart
and should someone ask, "Vic how can it be"
"that you never see the light"
"why can't you work a job"
"or even smile and be polite"
I never answer because you see
there is no answer that can satisfy
the curious minds of the just and right
that is why I never try.
maybe some day I will draw a picture
it will only take a thousand words
I can paint the night and stars no moon
some will say it is absurd
just like the moon has the right to hide the light
from the Mother Earth
I can show what I want to show
I decide what it is worth
I believe what I want to believe
until the pills bring me "down"
I believe what I want to believe
for as long as I am around
or till a pill takes me down
some day some one might look back and say
"I can't believe they did that" to vic
just like I find it hard to believe
leaches and how blood was let from the sick
maybe some day will be looked upon
as an asset and not a debt
for I can give to society
more than most will bet.
sure I can push a button
make a computer work
but 15 pills a day keep my secret
at times I feel like a jerk
maybe I need more pills
Some will argue without fault
that to try is better
than not at all
but at times it is the hardest thing to do
to take a chance
to dare romance
to swing at a possible curve
to climb a mountain
or walk in the fountain
to gather all our nerve.
all of lives journeys
start with a single step
I need not mention
risk will develop
every time I wake up in the morning,
I will not forget
to read the label on the tube
for Brylcreem taste like shit
and when I make my way to the kitchen
I go down the stairs with care
because marbles are fun to play with
as long as you know they are there
and then I make my breakfast
just cereal and toast
but when I take the bread out
well a fork makes my toast coast
then I go to work
we are building a chimney today
I make sure I know the rules
slow and steady wins the race
Now I need a shower
maybe not but I will take one in case
and just because the biggest bug in the world came out
I will not slip in haste.
and now I have to go to sleep.
DAMN I forgot my noon pill.
well I will take the rest of them
and sleep I know I will.
I made it through another day,
I wish I could have done better
but mistakes made on days gone by
helped this one stay together.
no I did not climb a mountain
but taken in hind sight
the steps I took living this SIMPLE day
I have climbed my mountain in my own right
some times we have to take a look at those things we do and take for granted. make coffee, or do laundry, or drive a car, or anything; because as we get healthier that list gets longer and longer. And sometimes we get down because we demand more of ourselves. It is frustrating. Sure it drives us to do better, but I find I get caught fixating on my self improvement, and not giving myself credit for achievements that I have earned.
Some may not know that I sit down to type as a form of therapy. I have no clue as to where the poem may take me. I let my instincts try to tell me what is happening with me. It seems a bit selfish to do so in this group. well this may not have been the most well written poem of my life, but it makes sense to me. I hope maybe someone else will read it an maybe it will make sense to them too
Morning comes I sleep
till way past after noon
I don’t care if evening finds me
it is all the same
I try to care
I really do
It is really all the same
I feel hunger but it is only pain
the sun sets I never notice
I eat it gives me something to do
I do the things I ought to do
like clean and bathe and watch TV
My meds oh yeha I would not want to forget those
the tiny chemicals that the pharmasudical gods created
they must be swallowed
I am not sleepy
but I will sleep
mourning comes once more
Today is the day many people
say "Dad I think you are great"
or maybe something like that
they will usually say
today is Father's Day
across the land
but I don't need a special day
to say that you are grand
In fact I ma living proof
that you are wise and good
the way I live the way I act
is thanks to you, it is understood
as a child you taught me well
as a teen you taught me right
as a man you showed me what it means
to fight the good fight
So on this special day set aside
I am really not sure what to do
all I can really think to say is - Thank You.
there are times I feel so bad
I feel as if I have no friends
and even though life is going well
I just want it all to end.
I mean sure I have enough money
and my family is always there
It just would be really nice
if love was not DNA compared
I mean My sisters and aunts and parents too
all know how special I am
when I get a chance to show my stripes
well my moods rewrite the program
Please don't get me wrong, I have people that care
most on the internet now.
These are the folks that keep the gun from my head
and keep air in my lungs somehow
Thankyou for reading the words in my head
thankyou for caring and supporting me to no end
thankyou I mean it I could very well be dead
if it were not for you -- my friends.
sometimes a miracle is just too much
for me to ever expect
I mean I pray, and worship and believe and all
but the sky remains dark gray
I ask for peace
I find war
I ask for love
I find a whore
I ask for food
I find rocks
I ask for shoes
I get socks.
I ask and ask and ask some more
and much to my avail
never do my words reach heaven
the sound just seems to trail
I have failed.
I want to die,
but that would be wrong
I have been told this time and again
by people that are happy and have many many friends
The doctors drive fancy cars,
and when I look around
all the time I hear "Don't jump"
from a "friend" that doesn't frown.
I know God is not a take out store
and understand when I say
The God that made my life this way doesn't care.
He is not there.
I pray
Pleas make today a day of patience
so that what is said is to me is clear.
Please make to day one filled with strength
so I can overcome my fear.
Please make today a day of justice
a day that is civilized.
Please make today focused
so on my judgement I can really
make today my day
make today bright
make today clear
make today light
If it is in your plan to bring pain to my day
I will accept it
if it is has to be there is rain in my day
I will accept it
if words I don’t like must be spoken that I have to hear
I will accept it
if when the sun falls nothing is clear
I will accept it
All I ask Lord is
Please make today.
please excuse the sarcasm, it is just that I am mad
a friend of mine said something and it made me sad
this friend well she believed that if given enough time
that her entire life would be put behind
her ways would be forgotten
her laugh would ring no more
She said everything she is right now
could be bought at a store
She could be found at a temp service
She could be bought right off the street
her services from those that love her
were mearly common charity
I stayed silent once to often
and her tears roll down my cheeks
every time I remember her
as she reaches out to me
I said nothing she is dead
those are the facts at hand
She will NEVER be replaced
I hope now she understands.
One day I woke up, and in the mirror
there was a person crying
Who he was was not clear
but I knew that he was dying
I screamed for someone else's help
and someone came quickly
but for some reason someone else
saw no one in the mirror but me.
I went to sleep
I woke up
I was in another room
and strangers seemed to know my name
I thought it strange
I am of legal age
and I don't remember a thing
about this wedding ring
I went to sleep
How do you plea?
the judge asked
waking me up from a pleasant dream
You are guilty he proclaimed
that he said to me
you are to serve life imprisonment
without so much as a key
I cried ,
I screamed ,
I begged ,
I screamed,
I had no clue
I screamed
of what to do
I screamed
I shut up
I realized that they mad a mistake
I was thrown out the back door
I ran like hell past then lake
to see the jail never more
I ran to my house
right to my bed
laid on the pillow
my tired head
I could not sleep
I only thought of my terrible sentence
and could never slept again
sure my eyes close from her to hence
but good dreams I only pretend
here I am time has passed, I am doing the best I can
I want my dreams back and I'll be damned
if I never sleep again
"I'll be damned", that is funny I am damned right now
I know there is hope it is true some how
there is my friend
for if I can never dream again
then the fire in my heart
will cease and no longer try to mend
if I can still find it in my heart
to make another comfy
then there will be a day that somebody
will bring comfort to me
I will sleep
Me desistí del gran secreto
Que nos permita talvez añadir
Cién letras más al alfabeto
Y tengo fe al predecir
Que alguna vez habrá palabras
Que expresarán lo que quiero decir
Y habrá una balada
Que cantará la ilusión
Que hay en mi
Que alguna vez tendremos alas
Para volar, volar y volar
Y al terminar cada jornada
En una estrella
Poder descansar
We are aware of the grand secret
That we might have even have to augment
No letters to really upon let alone an alphabet
Still I have faith when I say
Some day there will be the words
So that my intentions will somehow be heard
Someday there will be a ballad
that sings the illusion
that is me
Someday we will have wings
To fly, fly and fly
and at the end of journeying
upon a star
we will find rest.
What to do when someone cares
and really wants to help
but in the end they aggravate
by the advice they tell
I don’t want to be rude
I don’t want to explode
I don’t want to say "dude"
"shut up leave me alone"
I mean after all he is so proud
to be "helping" a fellow human being
what am I to say when
he hurts my feelings
He starts of with the usual
"I know how you feel"
HE HAS NO CLUE
about the way my world is
but that is as common as
"how are you today"
no one wants an answer
it is just something to say
by the end of all of five minutes
he has told me what my Problem is
and that life is so much more simple
from his perspective
Now I am inferior.
my thoughts are all skewed
he proceeds for some time
to explain his point of view
"He is a nice person"
I keep telling myself
"let him talk just don’t listen"
I keep telling myself
"sticks and stones can blah blah blah"
I keep telling myself
"he is gone now"
I keep telling myself
sticks and stones can brake my bones
but my bones heal
words and ignorance can hurt cause damage
I will always feel
there is no "dude" this is just how I feel about a few of my neighbors that have "caught" depression, but got over it and now want me to do the same.
I know I am not the man
That you expect me to be
my shining armor is made smoke and mirrors
my actions they mislead
When I look so passionately
into a glance from your eyes
I can see your frustration
I feel you screaming "why ?"
I cant defend my nature
I just know I act on faith
if I were to move too soon
that would be a mistake
I want to reveal you
uncover your real self
not the actress I know right know
but the you that lives in stealth
Maybe that is too much to ask
but there is where your passion lies
It is possible I am wrong
but I am not it is in your eyes
You see I have been investing time
in hopes you would come out and play
and walk on the beach and in my arms
you might know you are safe.
I have time and patience
I think both are well spent
and if I never get to know you
hey at least I have found a friend.
Tell me that I am beautiful
I really need to hear
words of praise about me
entering in my ear
I jump I dance I rhyme for you
and silence is all I hear
sure my eyes are ugly now
they are full of tears
I hate to even bother you
you are obviously better than me
but could you look in my direction
is there one good thing you see
I am sure there is something
that catches your knowledgeable eye
I could change I know I can
at least I could try
tell me I am beautiful
even if you must lie
words can cure my self esteem
I have no reason why
---
I am Gods creation damn it
I know I have worth
I did not walk of a photo shoot
but I have had His image from birth
Look closely here is your last chance
to verbalize what I already know
tell me I am beautiful --
too late here I go
I am beautiful
this is obvious to me
I may not be aesthetic
but there is more to see
I have a heart holding more than blood
twenty-four seven and three hundred-sixty-five
passion truth and love are commodities
no plastic surgeon can derive
Oh yeah I am beautiful
even in this light
a perfect "10" strutting my stuff
down the catwalk of life.
the hand that you were dealt
is the hand that you must play my friend
understand there is much more to the game
throw the cards in once in a while
it doesn't mean you are weak
by no means is it a sign of shame
The rules to the game?
I thought you understood
they are specific and they are not concise
no one really knows them
you know that cant be good
I learned to play by breaking them once or twice
You are a good person
that has a smart head
next round you will have all the chips
remember all us small time players
as you are saying "I remember when"
and smiling at the hand.
I was once told that people are allot like mirrors. Every mirror has imperfections, so as to reflect a bit differently. I have a feeling one of your mirrors is broken, or maybe warped, or maybe even turned to the sun so as to blind you, or maybe even turned around all together, so as to give the impression of total darkness. I do not know.
Just remember you are a mirror too, and just as fragile as the rest of us. Take care of you .
I have watched more TV
than I really think I should
the news is so incredible
and the coverage is pretty good
but I would like to make a distinction
that I have not herd yet made
death is the tragedy
not the mess that was made
Sure this goes without saying
I am not sure it is right
but I have spoken that were mad as hell
because they had to miss their flight
others regret the fact
they will never stand
atop a trade center tower
and see people look like ants
I even heard it on TV
that the buildings were attacked
I feel the people are the ones
we will never quite bring back.
Come one come all
the ride is about to leave
calling it a roller coaster would be a lie
the climb is pure anticipation
the can last for days
once at the top you can see for miles
The top the top that razor's edge
dance and jump
and pray it never ends
It ends.
there is no fall
there is no scream
there is no chance to raise your hands
the bottom of darkness
time stands still
there is cement in the hourglass sand
tomorrow, next week, next month, next year,
next minute will not come
sleep if you can
eat if you must
smile always smile for the cameras
watch for signs of light
and cry when no one can sense your fear
try not to laugh to hard
when asked "where does it hurt"
does it hurt?
is fear pain?
can loneliness inside be cured with an aspirin
is the fact that so many love me, and nobody really cares an oowwwwweeee?
sleep
rest
tomorrow is another day
tomorrow is another day
tomorrow is a day
tomorrow is day
tomorrow I
a ray of sunshine
climb for it
let instincts pull and push
energy
in your heart
start to fill your veins so much
faster and harder
eat sleep and pray
you see the first sunrise
The air feels fresh
the food tastes great
life is heaven for your eyes
at the razors edge.
The winds of change are coming
I have felt their touch before
and like a fool I hurried up
and closed each and every door
I closed every window
sat down and closed my eyes
I remained the same
change I would not try
now I am older
and in many ways I am the same
as for the world around me
I don't recognize at all that is a shame
the winds of change can be but warm breezes
on a bitter cold winter day
little by little they can melt the snow
and make it go away.
the winds of change can have the gale force
of a tornado or a hurricane
in an instant they can bring people together
by taking things away
do not fear the wind
do not fear the change
do not fear the challenge
do not fear the pain
wind is a natural force of movement
that can move the sands of time
and change is what elevates mere survival
to living a rich and full life
challenges make us stronger
only if they are accepted
and fear of pain can cause fear
of taking paths with hard times ahead
true the winds of change are coming
true they are already here
true they were here yesterday
true they were here last year
true that the winds of change
feed on the spirits they transform
I have reached a time in my life
I simply must weather the storm
What is the word or sentence or phrase
that can fully and properly explain
that death is an option not one I want to take
but none the less it is in my brain
"No!", I hear that is not true
"not when there is so much in your life."
"Suicide now it doesn't make sense,"
"how can you bare to say good-bye?"
there is no thinking I try to explain
but to no avail for I can't get through
I ask them to remember back to the day
that instincts were their golden rule
I ask if there is an impulse in their head
that wasn't processed but true
well I sometimes have the impulse to be dead
It is not what I want to do
I suppose it is a sickness,
maybe it is a gene
maybe it is just the devil
or God being mean
but by any account here I stand
breathing in and out
and death is an option
I sometimes think about
I really don't want to find the words
that can make anyone understand
why this particular course of action
has become mine to command
Because I might just be too good at it
and what good would it do
to have one more person on the Earth
that thinks of suicide too
The words I am looking for are simple
I know not exactly what they are
but they are all based on principle
deep in the instinct of who we are
There was a time I remember
that my life was going fine
some steps I took were wrong
but at least I knew they were mine.
Now I find myself at the gates of heaven
and my legs won't seem to move.
I am going through hell alone now
I don't know what to do.
I have lived and learned to be on my own
and I have cared for all around me
I have never been really alone
that is how it should be
Now I find that I need help
after my life is done
I have won every battle there is to fight
but the war has just begun
I have to learn to live again
I have to learn to cry.
There will be times I can't be a friend.
I know I have to try.
Oh, I can walk backwards with the greatest of ease
I can feel the flames at the door.
Or I can face this "friendship" disease
and learn to live once more
I must trust
I must believe
not only when I want to
I must love
that includes me
not only when I want to
most of all
I will pray
not only when I want to.
I sit here sweating pouring satisfaction
knowing I did what I could do.
earlier I tried to run a mile
once I would do it just for fun
I tried to run but there was pain
I could not pinpoint exactly where
looking back I am not positive
it was even ever there.
I got sad, because you see
my meds are causing my weight gain
and when I try to counter it.
all I get is pain.
I tried to reason that tomorrow
I will heal, and run I will
but that is like what I said yesterday
even longer back still
I started thinking, getting down
feeling the pounds add up knowing not what to do
then a little rage built up inside me
an my eyes turned red from blue
I am NOT going quietly into the good night
misquoted part of me from inside
unless something falls off I am going to fight
I will live life with pride.
so at 11:30 in the evening I started my run
I did not even look at my watch
and sure enough there was pain, not fun
but this pain I could describe to everyone
This was the pain of fear, and the unknown
the feeling that you are alone in your task
I was determine unless something fell off
I would wear my athlete’s mask
as I turned the first block and could see my goal
the one half mark in sight.
all of a sudden my instincts kicked in
I remembered how to do it right.
I never did like running I smiled to myself
the mask I was wearing went back on the shelf
because the pain has turned into a memory
replaced by resolve and aggression that will not melt
The next I remember I am tuning back
remembering techniques lost in my past
breathe in breathe in 1,2,3, breathe out 1,2,3
I can finally relax.
How fast did I run it, was it a record pace.
would I have been embarrassed if I were in a race
It was slow I know it, but the fact sill remains true
I kick my but to run now the mile is through
Not to make this longer, but I feel I should explain
this was not about running, it was about the pain
I am Catholic too and the I listen to the sermons
sometimes I get right out and leave
before I red your post I was wondering if I had lost Him
and suddenly I felt something in me
my helping hands acted automatically
I felt the need to speak
but the place that I am in right now
my words may be a bit weak
so use your imagination or your logic
if you must
All you really need to have
is trust
Trust that in the sunrise of tomorrow
God has placed a small portion of his glory
in the western horizon when the sun sets
God has placed a small portion of his glory
in the night moon and all the stars
God has placed a small portion of his glory
Oh there is glory left Lots and lots and lots
and it is not hard to see
it is in the souls
of you and me
sure there will be rain clouds
but the sun will still rise and set
there are clouds in our minds as well
but please never forget
weather we see it or not,
we are glorious.
Name: vic
Email: N/A
Subject: welcome weary stranger
Date: Aug 19, 1998 at
To those of you that read the words,
but feel you don't belong.
please feel free to speak your mind
and help us in our song
we sing the blues, we sing the Reds
we sing a little off key
the most important thing of all
is this is about you and me
the people here are friendly
all are very sincere
and some of us have a sense of humor
most some of us have tears
I know first hand that never before
have I ever known a "place"
that I could say "I don't care"
right to someone's face.
Here is a place that I can speak my mind
and at least someone will understand
Here we find the normal people
that can lend a helping hand.
and a smile:)
What if I do tell you all the things
you really don’t want to hear
would any of the facts change
would would life become less clear
What if I take advantage
of every weakness and strength I posses
would the facts change
would I live with more or less?
What if I do give you all the answers
to the tests that life has in store
would the fact change
would you end up with much more
what if I make a promise
I do not intend to keep
will the facts change
will I burn for eternity
What if I do nothing
more than sit right here and breathe
would the fact change
yes they would indeed
when I talk
when I take
when I give
when I make
I live
When I do noting
I exist.
I really wish I could take control
of my life that I am living
I am old enough to be self sufficient
and to society I should be giving
aw what the heck does complaining do
I will live until I die
I think I will just go back to sleep
and keep drawing SSDI.
When does it get better
I need the exact date
at least assurance that
I am not way too late
maybe it got better
when I was sound asleep
maybe I missed the call
this may be all for me
God may never smile
the way I want him to
wishes made on twilight stars
may never even come true
I am way beyond frustrated
but have not yet given up
ho much does life want to treat me
like the local dump
maybe giving up will help
maybe I should give that a try
just sit here in my bed
and cry
I saw the pictures on TV I still cannot believe
that terror can be quite so real
CNN showed time and again the sequence of events
I feel bad about the way I feel
Thousands of people died today all I can say is wow
I feel like I just saw a flick
As sure as am here today I feel those actors will walk away
it was just a smoke and mirrors trick
There couldn't have been anyone inside the missing piece
of the pentagon that protects the world
upon a New York on a sound stage the cameras produced
explosions that cause blood to curl
There were people there was no warning
I am scared
the tragic number of fatalities
is beyond compare
there are more that are
physically hurt
the world has changed today
we are more alert
I feel bad I want to cry
but all I can do as ask, why?
What I am looking for in a friend
a pulse would be nice
to have in a friend
an a smile yeha a smile
and a laugh that isn't pretend.
Female I think
I happen to like them more
call me old fashioned
call me a bore
but when dancing cheek to cheek
I just feel I am in trouble
when I feel the grit
of razor stubble
I like honesty
It is reality swell
but knowing when to lie
can save a bit of hell.
No I am not saying
I approve of bold face lies
but sometimes to keep the peace
fibs at times arise.
But I always tell the truth
never do I sway
(I like a person gullible too
really I'd rather a brain).
Oh I could go on and on
till both feet were in my mouth
it is a curse it is how I write
it is how my thoughts get out.
but I will be kind, at least I will find
if you care for me to say hello again
or maybe Dr. Seus is not your style
when it comes to friends.
It was told to me long ago
back when I was still in school.
that to write it is to reveal your soul
and take the comments -- bad and cruel
leave out one strand of your moral fiber
from what it is you say
hold back an ounce your convictions
and you're just sharpening the blade
for your words will cut right through
who you believe you are
and sleep will only get easier
once you accept from a far
that your pen is not longer a tool you use
to state the way you feel
but rather it is what you use
whenever you want a meal
for it is easy to white in the public eye
when you say what has been heard
and never contradict the golden rule
... uh, I mean the golden word.
"This is as he said,
"It is as it was
"He has a smart head.
"It is a great cause
"He was so right
"She was not wrong
"There is only darkness at night
"Everyone belongs.
As you minstrel to the public's ear
and get a feel of what to say
what the masses want to hear
the dollars you'll find some day
but to publish all that is in your heart, without regard to what may subside
may leave you dead and poor with only a writer's pride
How many heartbeats till I can laugh again
there must be a certain count
How many I want to know till I can cry
only when I know that I am crying about
There must be a certain number
I am sure it is extremely big
that can indicate how much more
how many heartbeats until I can finally live
I am keeping count inside my head
because I know some day some how
I will find out the magical number
I will continue to count
When that last beat comes flowing through my veins
I will jump and dance and sing
for I will have all I want
every last imaginable dream
But what if that heartbeat never comes
I mean there is "another" numbered too
maybe I should try to find
an "alternate route"
A path that is set for only me
that takes me where I must go
It may mean breaking from the ordinary
aside from the straight and narrow
Maybe I might do more than just wait
for that med to cure my will
for it will only take longer
and longer if I only stand still.
I said all that to a person, years ago
as he looked at me from a mirror.
Maybe tomorrow will finally be the day
the answer will become clear.
how many heartbeats will it take?
I write my poems once in a while
sometimes I get one right
if I am lucky I will get a smile
for a not so badly written line
I can always pull a tear
from a concerned and gullible eye
just by writing a line of fear
I don't even have to try
I suppose I can juggle base emotions
that is what poems do
by giving or implying simple notions
the words make the feelings true
Death and dying is so so sad
this is known to everyone
but when I write of the glory it has
a different experience it does become
and sixteen candles oh what joy
at least it usually is
unless there is the monologue
of missing that first kiss.
yes emotions are what the poems are about
not just words and rhyming
I mean "Sam I am" is just a phrase
but green eggs, "yuck" they sound slimey
Flor,
I did tell you I am a poet, but left out the reason why.
I write to understand who I am and what I feel.
what is faith?
I have been faced with this question.
far too many times
and I pray for clear direction
as I type this rhyme
When I was young I understood
that faith took no more that belief
the years have proven faith to be more
that just what I conceive
I mean I can say I have faith in you,
but that is somewhat tame
Kinda like saying I love Chocolate
when love you are trying to explain
The faith I speak of and wish to understand
if only in my limited way
is the faith in my Lord's merciful hand
The faith I have today.
I like to sleep, as some who know me are aware
And in sleep I find an example of true faith
for while twelve were fearing death by storm
Jesus slept his peace with God was made
He was startled to see the look of fear
in the faces he had known
I am sure they believed strongly
I am sure that day their faith did grow
You see faith needs all of a person
the mind the soul, the spirit.
and when there is faith inside me
I can almost hear it
It is as if I can walk the path
and know that I am walking right
even if the darkness that surrounds me
is of a cloudy moonless night
Faith makes me confident
not that I can or I will
I just know the I am
and that is such a thrill
I pray to Jesus constantly
I make my life a prayer
for once when I was smaller
I prayed for one more breath of air
And soon I prayed
for one more breath every time I breath
well it became very simple
to listen when the Lord talks to me
I must make clear I am the product
of many people's constant prayers,
most of which were for my health
when I needed care
What about the topic
at hand here and now
Faith is what I am here to describe
Faith is what this is about
Prayer is essential
to the faith in me
from the casual conversation
to when I fall to my knees.
The more faith is in me
the clearer it becomes
danger is not necessarily evil
and evil will be overcome
I do not hold a claim wisdom,
and knowledge is not my goal
so maybe I am wrong in what I see
maybe I am a fool
but when I sleep, I sleep well knowing
God is in control.
Believe it or not I was bugged that I could not even take a shot in the dark when asked what faith is. it has been a long time since anyone challenged me to think it feels good thanks. I have never had a pen pal, but would really like to correspond by mail. I am curious to read what you have to say about faith. If not, I am patient, we'll "talk" when you get back on-line; if you so desire. God willing I will see you at the picnic later this month, along with all the other smiling faces
Does everyone always smile that much in Canada? or is it just me?
Bye for now,
Vic
Once in a while, there comes along
someone you can count on to be there
at times it seems that he alone
is the answer to your prayers
Still again there is the one
that can never do you wrong
and then there is that person
that loves all your favorite songs
But I tell you girl take them in stride
their names will come and go
to make it in the halls of friendship
you have to have only one thing to know
there is only one side to him
That is not the one that the mirror shows
that is not the one that everyone knows
that is not the one that is jolly and fun
that is not the one that can handle a gun
that is not the one that can make the pope cry
that is not the one that will always try
that is not the one that will hold your chair
that is not the one that notices you are there
friendship is built like a very fine mirror
every time you meet you grow nearer and nearer
and soon the friend will appear to you
as someone you know through and through
My friends are like an antique mirror
that has imperfections century old.
and every day I have to take on faith
that our friendship will continue to unfold.
Hello :)
I was to leave this blank
that was to be the effect.
but then I may never ever get this chance
to vie for a touch of respect.
I am not a bad person as people go,
still I have to admit
I would be the lucky one should you and I
go walking down the street
Oh I can be handsome,
I am sure you are a babe
and with can ooze out of our pores
But I fell there would be a presence
an aoura if you will
and you will the one to be adored.
How do I how this
how can I know
to be honest I don't
but I had to say more than
hello.
vic
If
I have never lost a friend.
I have never lost a love.
I have never lost a dollar.
that I didn't think of.
I can't stop you from sleeping Rose
I know better than to try.
If you never read this
I will try not to cry
I will try.
But If you read this you will know that
I am writing from the heart.
and the journey is almost over
even you chose not to start.
It will be rougher every day
and this I will assure to you
that yesterday wasn't the last
day that you couldn't pull through.
I will try
No, tomorrow has its demons
and they are stronger than you think
You have walked throughout hell Rose
and in your strength you forgot to blink
Pictures are engraved in your soul no man should endure
Dante could have used them
You must. Use them. Find beauty. Find the pure.
I will try.
Rose I know that it seems we've no power
at times to even take another step.
and sometimes even to breathe
takes too much pep.
but alas rose I am telling you there will be a moment
that you look back at a century gone by
and laugh loudly at satin and hell and earth from heaven.
after I draw my last breath I will try.
Impress her I must,
I know that I can
I must show her
that I am more than a man.
Rise to every occasion
Fall at her whim
praise her beauty
from head to limb.
But did I not say
Just a few short years ago
as I saw big brother
as he was putting on a show.
It was clear to see with every move
that the maiden was looking for him
and obviously he had not a clue
a he turned the lights down dim
And when I grow up,
I will never surrender
to the forces of evil
my body puts me under
I am me! Only me.
that is who I am.
not at a fish in a stream
showing off my dance.
I am kind , I am generous
I am funny so I am told
but most of all
My heart is not he least cold.
Any smart female will see this at once
and jump at the chance if the catch.
that is what I said back when I was young.
oh the bliss of those days.
I have said it time and again but this time is different I suppose.
my mood swings are happening now is my chance to live life and just let go.
To bad I am " disabled"
to bad I am "over weight"
To bad I am "Bipolar"
to bad I am not straight.
To bad I don't have all my senses
and it is a shame I can't think
To bad I am not "normal"
If I rise I will just sink.
Well I find it hard to label
a bird that fell out of the tree.
I mean chick is probably destine
to be a cats entrée'
the only thing that happened
in most cases you will find
is that there was a eager young foul
that really wanted to fly.
Thanx to its high-strung spirit
the little bird must lie in the grass
not knowing just when which
peep will be its last.
So he sits there still and quiet,
even when Mom has a relay neat worm
he worries of danger all around him
even when there is no harm
He wakes up from sleep wanting to scream
when he realizes the flashback was just a dream
soon he weighs less than he should
so flight is not easy -- that's no good
And finally comes the day he can fly.
It is the day he must fly.
Then nature, time and instincts take
their course, and soon the skies are graced with a
hawk that once lived like a mouse.
There are times that I remember well
that my world was a living breathing hell
never did I have a prayer
the worst part was that I did not care.
well day by day those that believed
that I could be more than constant grief
prayed prayers sincere, from the heart
and little by little the healing did start.
when I say little I mean little
the healing is going slow,
but for some time now
I know the way to go.
I can look in the mirror
and in my eyes
the ere is a Loooooong tunnel
and at the end I see light
the light is the part I once used to use
to fight when I was down and confused.
and it is getting closer, and bigger, and bright
now I remember how to fight.
when the winds are blowing and the rain really hurts
and there is no place to hide,
that is when I push and do my best to stand straight
Knowing I will not die.
I have pride,
and many times the softest winds have knocked me down
and times I did not want to get up
but the fire inside me soon overcomes
all that bad icky stuff.
today I ran past the three mile mark
and that was a personal victory
I say this not to brag, well yes I do
I am sorry, but you see.
Never in my wildest dreams
did I ever conceive
that maybe just maybe
I could ever compete.
again
I am not running to be skinny or strong
I run because I believed all along
that God had taken my talents away
I see he was just storing them for another day
I know I can't be the only one to feel the sting
of a passionate heart that dying to sing
again
I hate to run is the bottom line.
but if I can do it then VICTORY is mine.
because I could do it before
when I was sane and in line
why tell you this I am sure you may ask
am I rubbing it in because I can?
no my friends I am not quite that cold
there is actually a sense of challenge in this poem
I know it is hard to push fear aside.
and try to come back after being pushed aside,
maybe at time it may seem so unfair.
but we are strong all of us the proof is
-- we are here
What is the challenge, what do I dare,
well that is up to you what ever is fair.
that is right you read it I said fair
maybe
see the outside once a day
make a cake or delicious soufflé'
once every day go for a walk
once every month give junior a talk
ride that bike hanging in the garage
start painting again, using the brush.
try to remember one thing from your past
that used to make the good times last.
and if you have not recent recollection
of things that once were fun.
the you my friend have a double challenge
if you choose to just find one,
I can't tell you how to go about
finding the dream of your own
but I do know this life is hard without
a vision to call your own
I know I have typed more than usual
and maybe it makes no sense
it is just my opinion, and I stand by my words
this is just my 2 cents.
Me desistí del gran secreto
Que nos permita talvez añadir
Cién letras más al alfabeto
Y tengo fe al predecir
Que alguna vez habrá palabras
Que expresarán lo que quiero decir
Y habrá una balada
Que cantará la ilusión
Que hay en mi
Que alguna vez tendremos alas
Para volar, volar y volar
Y al terminar cada jornada
En una estrella
Poder descansar
You have told of the grand seacret
You might have permited us to aument
Without leters let alone an alpheebt
Still I have faith in what I say
Some day there will be te words
That express what I have to say
Someday there will be a ballad
that sings the illusion
that is me
Sometime we will have wings
To fly, and fly and fly
and at the end of every days journy
upon a star
we will find rest
We are aware of the grand secret
That we might have even have to augment
No leters to realy upon let alone an alphebet
Still I have faith when I say
Some day there will be the words
So that my intentions will be heard
Someday there will be a ballad
that sings the illusion
that is me
Sometime we will have wings
To fly, fly and fly
and at the end of journying
upon a star
we will find rest.
it is cold, the sky is gray
soon spring will be on its way
the plants will grow
the words will sing
telling of the sun
summer will bring
cook outs, fireworks, and longer days
bricklayers making better pay
for now just sit and bide some time
enjoy the sunshine in your mind
Spring is when the mountains cry
for part of it is melting away
Tear by tear, inch by inch
a river begins to live again
life is removed from the mountain
as erosion takes its toll
but the tears are tears of joy
as the river looses control.
Every year the mountain has been patient,
the mountain is patient still
for each year nature shows
there is beauty in that there hill.
The flow it is raging
with caps of white and all.
Mother nature is carefully staging
the beauty of a water fall.
The edge of the mountain is cut just so
and this I know for certain
that no fabric known to man
will make a more elegant curtain.
The illusion is awesome from a distance
but as my boat gets near
The shear magnitude of the motion involved
causes excitement and raw fear.
Still I have to know
what it fells like on the other side
as I steer the craft with nerves of steel
it is a matter of pride.
WOW what a sight I have to remember
next time I come see this
to bring her along
it is perfect for a kiss.
I am sure they were here all along
and I was just too nervous to note.
Rainbows bright as any I have seen
all around my boat.
I feel as though I am Noah
and this would be my arc
and God himself is speaking to me
in the colors as bright as they are.
As I float away I am somewhat sad
I am leaving such majestic glory behind
the farther I go I know I will survive
thanks to the waterfall in my mind.
Name: vic
Email: N/A
Subject: The solution
Date: Feb 08, 1999
at
There was a day actually a night
that I decided to die
I knew that I would be happier
at least it was worth a try.
I took a 2 liter bottle
dissolved a bunch of stuff
anything I could find
that would kill me just enough
I succeeded I was dead
the monitors line was flat
my solution worked
how about that
for years I believed
I really was dead
when life is hell
it plays with your head.
Thank God you are alive
everyone would say
I hate that still
I hate it this day.
alas time passed, I healed
and I learned to smile
I even learned to dream
recently I have discovered
that dreams come true
if you have faith and you believe.
The solution ... the answer
the best angle to take
Lies not our perception
but rather the life we make
in our least significant prayers.
Your decisions are your own
to say death is not a choice
well that would be a lie,
One I cannot voice
but the way I see it
there will come a day
the door to life will close
why not fight just one more day
Over here to your left
you will plainly see
God's mistake
that would be me
framed in indecision
unique and not quite right
lacking the will
to fight
notice the texture
the brush stokes are all wrong
his point of view is skewed
his stubbornness is very strong
Standing next to David
by Michael Angelo
his flaws almost laughable
any one would know
I shine like a star at night
David only glows
my eyes are proof of life
my windows to my soul
I can think of laughter
and I can think of pain
I can comfort a friend
I can be comforted again
I have God inside me
David well he does not
I love and I am loved
That really means allot
Angelo carved the perfect man
front stone he chiseled away
I sand before you a masterpiece
my imperfections make me that way.
Somewhere in the dark of night
there shines the brightest star
really really really bright
and really really far
Once this star was very faint
not much to see at all
less than a tiny drop of pain
the star was oh so small
Every night the star would wish
someday that it would be so
to shine brighter than the night before
the star wanted to grow
So, the little star ate every thing
that was on its plate
soon other stars were noticing
how the little star radiates
The star grew bigger and brighter
each and every passing night
and stronger and faster
the star soon took to flight
While other stars were falling
because they were so tired
the little star grew brighter
flying higher and higher
The star loved to play allot
dance and jump and sing
and when the star got way too hot
the star enjoyed resting
now . . .
Helping is what the brightest star
really likes to do
twinkling way up in the sky
all the long night through
Twinkle twinkle way up high
guiding ships across the sea
on the dark and starry nights
is where the brightest star will be
So when the sun has gone to sleep
after a long and busy day
take a look you might see
the brightest star so far away.
The End.
Creation is so simple
all you have to do
is simply apply talents
that have been afforded you
a sculptor sees a statue
in a hunk of rock
a chef conjures up tasty treats
with whatever he has got
a gardener turns an empty land
into a garden so serene
an artist approaches canvas
with visions yet unseen
a poet can write a poem
simply just because
a priest can write a sermon
worthy of applause
even an accountant
can create a tax return
teachers can create
so kids can learn
the list is endless
there is no doubt
that is what the
whole world is all about
creation is so simple
there is one link for what it is worth
every one that can create
can thank their mom for birth.
Theresa,
(Another Ships Passing Poem)
not so long ago, not as long as one would think
men would sail the waters alone
ships would traverse the seas for long periods of time
men would have only memories of home
once in a great while, I would imagine
a ship would be spotted from crows nest
even the least faithful on board either vessel
would pray no harm would be met
for a flag is only colors on a cloth
many times it did so deceive
pirates were a fact of life
an unfortunate reality
once it was clear to the captains
friends not foe were floating near
the celebration must have been clamorous
joyous and sincere
I am certain there were conversations
and ale to be had
alas too soon the ships would continue
on their previous path
sure the ships would sail
on their predetermined course
but thanks to their encounter
their spirit would be restored
So it was I imagine
a long long time ago
I suppose I could be wrong
but I really do not think so
a long few weeks have passed
our sails, and courses are set
to be honest in the years to come
much you have told me I probably will forget
but as I look at the stars at night
largely thanks to you
I will rest assured fighting the good fight
is what I want to do.
I wasn’t satisfied with what I said
as to why I write this way
let me just take a sec and understand
to try to set the record straight
when I rhyme the words just flow
as if blood from my soul
I don’t have any choices
I have no control
the words are not what I want to say
the words are not organized in a special way
the words are not refined
the words are not in my mind
the words just flow
(I would have deleted the top part)
Poetic Refraction
I was told a long time ago
everyone has a rainbow inside
they are sometimes hard to see
because of vanity and pride
I must admit I am quite proud
and my rainbow is buried kinda deep
but when I write my poetry
it is my rainbow that you see
Vic.
I remember why I started town the road I am on
I wasn’t angry
I wasn’t depressed
I wasn’t feeling down
I just wanted to move on
I wanted to see what would happen
I knew that there was more to life
than the life that I was living
I thought that I was being fair
that the fates would be forgiving
I looked at my options
one at a time
long and hard
I did
every one took too much work
I just wanted to seize to live
then in a moment of enlightenment
I realized all I had to do
nothing
I would eat when I was hungry
I would sleep when I was tired
I was tired
I would bathe if I was dirty
my plan was so inspired
no more pills I reasoned
soon my condition would be such
that suicide will be so welcome
once I get our of touch
that was a thought that passed my mind
for a moment but not too long
because for a day or two
there was nothing wrong
I felt finer than I ever had
in a looooon long time
I knew that I was manic
but I did not seem to mind
I knew the crash was coming
I fear it is still to come
I know that I will soon find
that feeling is just too much
still I had a little hope
that dangerous water of the soul
I prayed so hard every conscious minute
that I was in control
I know my prayers were answered
because here I sit right now
at the cross roads of hell and earth
I decide where to go and how
I can drive my car to the doors
that will lead me back to where I was
or I can drive till I run out of gas
in more ways than one I suppose
live one minute at a time
is all that I can try
I am confident that I will revert
to my first real attempt of suicide
You see I set a plan in motion
long before today
I made a promise to myself
that I really don’t want to break
I reasoned that eternity
is a really really long time
and no one can say with certainty
what I am going to find
I will not go easy into that good night
I will fight and rage
I will die soon enough
hopefully of old age
okay technically that is not suicide
it is just the opposite I suppose
but I made a promise I will try to keep
and that’s the way it goes.
11/12/03 10:46:46 AM
I stopped taking my meds 8 days ago.
I don’t know why
I do not feel like apologizing. I do honestly feel it was due to several factors:
* the Ambilify had an effect of making me feel suicidal at night. I went to see the doc about this but it is only in hind sight that I can realize that the reason she didn’t see anything wrong is because the med was actually working. When I went to see her I was feeling normal. he funny thing about my suicidal thoughts was that it was more of a feeling than a conscious thought. so when the feeling was gone I had no reason to despair
or eve think about feeling bad. It is kinda like a every time I take my car to the mechanic complaining about that little wakka wakka noise it was making when I made the appointment to see him. well when I got in the garage there was no wakka wakka noise. He is a very competent mechanic
as my doctor is very competent too (as a doctor); but try as he did he could not recreate the noise or find out what was wrong. It turns out I need a new timing belt on my car because 20
000 miles later every time it rains I hear “wakka wakka” . One of theses days I am going to look into that.
* I need to have someone to talk to. someone that isn’t living with me that I can use as a soundboard. possibly a consoler
or something. I need the help of a trained professionals to guide me thru some of my life choices. I was seeing a consoler
but he kept asking me “what do you expect me to do?” I kept telling him all kinds of crap like -- help me find work
or find out how I am lacking as a person
or help me enlarge my social circle
but the truth was I don’t need someone that has an agenda in fixing me
but rather someone that is willing to listen to what is happening in my life and professionally talk to me about what it is they think.
* I need a social group. My family loves me I know that but there is a certain aspect of support they cannot provide. from a mental health aspect I need to be able to just relax and be around friends. I could probably write a book on this point from other angles.
I am really too tired and messed up to think. I do want to leave myself a note to look into possible solutions to these points I have mentioned because I know I will not be so motivated once I start my meds again.
I did start an exercise regime and I think it is good. I trying to work out every day
at least 10-20 minutes. I think I should stay on that.
Mistakes
I want to cry I want to scream
I can't believe I let myself dream
not once did I even think to prepare
for the feeling of despair
that is failure
there was pride and vanity in my face
this blow really put me in my place
I had a bad day
that is all I can say
that is all it was
I stumbled on my way to the top
I fell and I stayed down
instead of getting up
I have worked so hard to become
the person I am now
I have fallen in the past
I have gotten up somehow
the choice is mime to get up tomorrow
and meet the challenge of the day
or in my self pity
let time and opportunity slip away
it isnt as easy as it my seem
I am bruised and I want to heal
but that is not my style
I am Victor an that is how I feel
I can cry later if I so desire
when there is something to cry about
what good is this bit of wounded pride
that I can do without
I have faith that God has a plan
for every breath I take
I pray that I have the faith to be strong
and learn from my mistakes
I was to be a millionaire
and mary a beautiful wife
kids
I would have at least two
that was to be my life
I was to write the greatest poem
this world has ever read
at least be published
just one book before I was dead
I was to have a good job
one that pays he bills
and lets me fly to see the ocean
just for the thrill
I was to write a song or two
in my spare time for fun
and take pleasure in the spotlight
as they soar to number one
I was to have a great big house
with a seven car garage
the dinner parties I would host
would never be very large
I was to have a bank account
that I wouldn’t even understand
and an accountant I could trust
to make sure there was cash on hand
I was to live a life so great
and never even cry
I see now “I was”
was just a lie.
I am Vic
I am new here
I think better when I rhyme
it is not that I am casual
it is my expressive side
I was diagnosed Bipolar
October 26
1991
that was the day I first went manic
and life as I now know it begun
I was lucky to respond
to lithium right of the bat
it didnt take me months or years
to find out what I had
Bipolar I a textbook case
they said I would never work again
I have yet to prove the doctors wrong
but I will in the end
I was a rapid cycler
and it took me years to understand
that alcohol and medicine
dont go hand in hand
I spent 2 months in a psych ward
in 1994
I got allot of education
I received so much more
finally I saw a doctor
that didnt see me as a text book case
I was a person to her
she saw the pain in my face
She talked to me and listened
and got me on some meds
that to this day I take
each night when I go to bed
I have been a snow bird
for oh about seven years
never holding a job too long
because of my manic tears
This past year I have settled down
in Cleveland for a while
I want to make a friend or two
I want to live n style
I have my own problems
loneliness and depression at times
but I also have a family that loves me
they keep me doing fine
well
I have typed your ear off
I am sure we will talk again soon
I just wanted to say "HI-HO"
and that I wold love to hear from you.
Vic.
many times I walk alone
even in among friends
wearing a finely crafted mask
I dare to pretend
I tell myself that no one can see
the horror in my eyes
I tell myself again
I know I lie
I can hear the whispers
I when my back is turned
I can feel the wind of change
fuel the torches that burns
the dance just seemed to happen
I did not write the song
life knocked me down a notch
but not for long.
slowly the sun is fading
the mask that I have made
time and time again
I have found no shade
In the Son’s light I can see
that I am not so bad
God made me in his image
that helps me when I am sad
now whenever I hear a whisper
I turn around and see
others are just talking
not even about me
the winds of change blow strongly
but they always have
the best thing I can do
is laugh
for what did I suffer
for what was so wrong
for what made me so weak
when I was so strong
for shame.
another weekend will soon be here
officially at five
time to relax
time to unwind
time to be alive
maybe I will do nothing at all
that sounds kinda nice
if I like doing nothing one day
I may just do it twice
maybe I will catch a matinee
there are some movies I want to see
maybe I will just buy a pizza
and rent a DVD
maybe I will do some laundry
I suppose I really should
my closet is quite empty
yes
laundry would be good
maybe I will see the game
at a local sports bar
win or lose I will have fun
that is how Browns fans are
Friday night
Saturday
and Sunday
What am I to do?
I can’t wait to find out
how about you?
to be invisible
in plain light
to be darkness
in the night
to live
to only exist
to love
without a kiss
to work each day
eight to five
a paycheck proves
I am alive
taxes are paid
each week I am told
week by week
I get old
someday I will look back
someday I will see
the lack of vision I have
the missed opportunities
today I sleep till it is night
then I sleep some more
when I wake I go to work
just like the day before
not for money
not for fame
just for something to do
what a shame
What to do
What to do
when I was young I was told
by a man of wealth and means
that to be successful and happy
I had to stop wearing jeans
I had to grow up
I had to fly right
I had to make money
every day
every night
My Father told me it wasn’t so.
models and movie stars
told me the secret to success
was to work on your looks
and spend money on your dress
I had to stop eating
I had to work out each day
I had to turn the man in the mirror
into a Greek god of clay
My Father told me it wasn’t so.
eat laugh and be merry
for tomorrow there may be none
that was bliss for me
existing to have fun
I had to feel good
I had to eat
I had to consume
to be complete
My Father told me it wasn’t so.
there she was
standing in my head
happiness was life with her
without her I was dead
I had to have her
I had to dream her
I had to think her
she was perfect
My Father told me it wasn’t so.
One day I was infuriated
because I was right
determine to win
I was going to fight
I had to fight
I had to kill
I had to enforce
my stubborn will
My Father told me it wasn’t so.
to die and pay taxes
was all I had to do
after all nothing ever changes
into what I want it to
I had to do nothing
I had everything I need
I has only to exist
like a naturally planted seed.
My Father told me it wasn’t so.
Gates had so much money
Britny looks so fine
Banderas has all the ladies
their lot in life is so much better than mine
I had to be better than him
I had to have his dream
I had to have the latest and greatest
that is the way it seemed
My Father told me it wasn’t so.
My Father is in heaven
His name is holy indeed
He delivers me from evil
He gives me all I need
He is patient and forgiving
He as taught me to be the same
He is in control of what
I should do today.
this particular moment
is not the best time in my life
I am unemployed
living with my folks
at 36 that cuts like a knife
I don’t exactly fit the image
of a model on TV
I guess I should just get over it
I am fat and I will always be
I cant seem to get motivated
to find a job
to lose some weight
I try
I think of my failed attempts
and I don’t feel so great
My friend this is the moment
the instant I will point to
some day in the future
that I started saying “I DO”
I will say “I CAN”
I will say “I WILL”
I will say “I AM WORTH IT”
I am tired of feeling tired
I am tired of feeling pain
and I know that some days
all I will want to do is complain
I am bipolar it is true
that means I can get away
with doing hardly nothing
each and every day
but I am also ME
I know that a positive thought
can get me out of bed
as good as any med that I bought
at this particular moment
I feel the fire of hope burn
and tomorrow I start living
because it is MY TURN.
when you look out your window
at another beautiful spring day
wishing you could just get up
and go outside to play
try to remember the trials
try to remember the pains
try to remember the troubles
when you were only eight
Life was oh so unfair
nobody listened to you
no one seemed to care
about your point of view
sitting in a desk
the spring day is so inviting
what was so important
about reading and writing
Now you sit behind a desk
when the day is so nice
I suppose that growing up
does come with a price
oh but what a bargain:
two great children
their love and respect
friends that say kind words of you
and a schedule that’s a mess
(I would love a messy schedule)
A job albeit a hard one
that brings home food and more
a fighting spirit
and your sense of humor
you have your looks and fashion sense
your wit and sarcastic mind
I could type forever
but I do have a point to find
Oh yeha I remember
the window and the great day outside
and helping you feel better
that to that desk you are tied
I cant change the fact
that you yearn to run and play
I only hope some sunlight
shines on your blessings today
another sunrise
starts another day
more energy pulses
thru my tired veins
I get out of bed
as I did the day before
knowing the sleep I need
is not what is in store
I have to laugh
I have to pretend all is right
knowing that I survived
yet another sleepless night
I hear people talk
it makes no sense
when I walk
I am on a fence
when I breath it hurts
my muscles remain ever tense
I look okay
under false pretense
the sun sets
evening starts
energy surges
thru my tired heart
I envy the day
that has just gone by
I envy the fact
that the day did die
I want to sleep
I need to sleep
I want to stop breathing
it hurts
my muscles ever tense
I want to feel nothing
1:30 in the morning
I type a stupid poem
energy fills my head
I think my hair needs to be combed
I have taken all my meds
and drank my herbal tea
meditated to soft music
after doing Tai Chi
earlier today I did exercise
so that I would get tired
and my muscles feel the pain
I am wired for the moment
it is hard to explain
I want to sleep
I will sleep
I sleep
eventually
I am tired.
I have to wear so many clothes
just to go outside
winter seems such a bummer
looking thru my eyes
soon the snow starts falling
and then my cousin comes to play
we make the bestest snowman
on a sunny winters day
I can hear her laughter
on the crystals of her breath
as she hits me with a snowball
my clothes are all soaking wet
suddenly I am seeing winter
from a different point of view
the cold can be invigorating
depending what I do
the hot coco tastes so good
with little marshmallows and all
I forgot all about
summer
spring
and fall
it took a little child
to teach me this lesson but good
it is not the day on the calendar
that dictates my mood.
Vic
I want to write about the times
that are not really so bad
the moments that life is good
and I am not feeling sad
but for some unspoken reason
those ideas never seem to sell
ordinary life is ordinary
there is nothing much to tell
to wake up in the morning
tired from a long peaceful sleep
wanting 9 more minutes
then into the bathroom I creep
I wash my face I brush my teeth
I get dressed and eat breakfast too
late for work I rush into my car
only to get caught up in the morning slew
I make it to work in time
and before I know it is time for lunch
I eat a fast food burger
I know I shouldn’t do that too much
I stare at the clock I swear it is stuck
on ten minutes until five
tired from the days activities
I enjoy my afternoon drive
I cook myself some dinner
healthy as I can
catch the evening news
it is going to be sunshiny/rainy/ cloudy again
I get my stuff together
and make it to the gym
sweat for a half hour
I’m trying to get thin
My favorite television show is on
at 9 o’clock on the television set
I race home to catch it
in my Lazyboy I sit
I go outside to admire the stars
it is time for bed
today was a good day
I just thought this had to be said.
it seems like a long long time ago
I was having a realy really hard time
I didn’t think I had anything that mattered
I thought I could have been sold for a dime
now I am not sure what has changed
I feel better I feel good
I feel like I am worth soooo much
I think that is just understood
my days are full
at night I sleep
rarely do I stop
and think I want to weep
I would be lying if I said
that my life was perfect as could be
I still am a bit of a loner
I guess that is just me
I would rather have
no friends at all
than just a bunch of names in a phone book
that I never call
I am not lonely though
not most of the time
I suppose that is the way
I was made by the one divine
all in all I am okay
I like the way life is going
I liked the things I did today
all in all my life is flowing
well I just erased a long pity party that I a sure would have been appropriate to post
but in retrospect
I am doing okay. I am not particularly depressed at the moment
and I have shelter in my parents house at the moment. I have the desire to lose the weight that I blame all my social problems on. I know there are millions that are looking for work right now
like me. I have things under control
and everything is really okay enough
but there is a HUGE part of me that is screaming in tears because I want more.
Thanks for listening
Vic
I am lucky to be alive
able to survive
but life is so much more
than hat I have
I want to do more than cry
I want to laugh
I want to do more than complain
I want to sing
I want to do more than feel pain
I want to dance
I want to do more than sleep all day
I want to play
I want to see more people
I want to talk
I want to see more people
I want to listen
I want to do more by the end of the day
I want to have a say
to laugh
to sing
to dance
to play
to talk
to listen
to have something to say
that is all I want.
Back Again
I have been here before
for my good mood wont last
I prepare for tomorrow carefully
tomorrow will go by so fast
I will try to clean the mess
I have made of my life
I one step at a time
I will take care of past strife
I will call an old friend
we will talk for some time
I will dance in the evening
till the morning chimes
tomorrow is a blessing
I know that is true
I have so many things
that I want to do
because I cannot be certain
when the dark moods will come
. . . the dark moods will come
I cannot waste energy
thinking about
the things I now have
I will soon have to do without
I must remain focused
I must remain clear
for the moment I am happy
I must not introduce fear
if after tomorrow
I am still feeling glad
oh the thing I can accomplish
that wont be so bad
thank you for listening
I do hope that you are glad
that a moment of sunshine
is now being had
if I could I would break
a piece off for you
I can't so I hope
a smile will do
:)
I have read some posts
to painful to recall how many
and fear that my futile words
wont even be wroth a penny
I have been at the edge
more than a time or two
and know that reality is
a bit misconstrued
life it seems is an option
it seems so simple at the time
but this is not a simple task
hence the tears
the pain
and things are not fine
clichés don’t work I wont try
rhetoric about permanent solutions
and you know about the loved ones
and the emotional pollution
please take a minute
and just sit and breathe
I know it is hard
but do this much for me
breathe in breathe out
for a stranger wit a tear in his eye
breathing hurts I know
but please just try
don’t think about tomorrow
don’t think about yesterday
don’t think about the sorrow
don’t think about the pain
just think about the air
that is entering you right now
and think about the air
that is going out
that is right think of the mechanics
that is a human life
the miracle that is joy
the miracle that is strife
know that like the air
that you cant taste or see
there is a reason
for you to be
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.
Copyright © 2004 Victor Venero
do not count the minutes
for darkness know no time
as quickly as it entered
it can leave your mind
do not count your tears
for the pain will surely stay
if obsession fills your heart
and all hope goes astray
do not count on others
for they may not understand
words can sometimes wound
in the guise of a helping hand
do not count on medicine
pills can only do so much good
sometimes they don’t work
quite the way they should
do not count on unanswered prayers
for the answer may be no
God’s wisdom with all his power
doesn’t always show
do not count on anything
to pull you from despair
except for the assurance
that the darkness will not always be there
I have been feeling down for a long time. I cant remember quite how long
but I know it has been a looooooong time since I really laughed
or enjoyed doing stuff. There have been times I have felt less down than others
but I know that brighter days are ahead
I just hope they are not too far off.
Vic.
come on come all pay the price
to see the freak on display
it is worth the cost of admission
on this special day
I waited with my bated breath
to see the abomination
I was ready to be so scared
I was really loosing my patience
I saw the curtain rise
only to find a crowd
screaming and covering their eyes
and saying "My God" really loud
I got up to complain
I wanted a refund
the curtain came back down
before I was done
I could not leave
I was in a cage
bars made of diagnosis’s
stigmas
and rage
Every day would come and go
I would be on display
soon I started putting on a show
it was like a play
I began to believe the carnival barker
when he called me names
and I would take every comment personal
I felt I was to blame
till one fateful afternoon
there were loving eyes in the crowd
people that cared for me
I did not know why or how
I knew that to these people
I was actually quite strong
I opened the door to my cage
it was unlocked all along
Stef
I feel like a freak because I dont work too. but talking to my family I realize I am really quite strong
just because of the fight I have fought for the years. I do hold the hope that some day someone will realize that I am a very capable person that has a few unique problems.
I do not profess to know your situation
but if you are indeed living in a glass box then I hope you see the sunshine now and again :-)
Vic
it is hard to take off the grease paint
that shows the world a smile
but that is exactly what you have to do
every once in a while
let your hair down
it is okay to frown
that does not make you bad
it only means you are sad
in your moments of weakness
try not to forget
that every action has a reaction
try not to regret
I wish I could give you a huge hug
and show you that I care
all I can do is write my silly poem
and let you know I am here
vic
If this is the last time
that you will hear my voice
then I have to say goodbye
using words of my choice
I will try to choose the nicest words
that come into my mind
even though nice thoughts
are kinda hard to find
I am thinking that you may
not ever say hello again
and here I was just starting
to look forward to calling you friend
I know that you didnt know me
very well but that was about to change
then you dropped from my radar
I didnt hear from you again
now it seems you feel that
you are not worth that much
I have to disagree
I have to keep you in touch
you may not have hugs for a stranger
you may not even have caring thoughts for friends
but you have the heart you were bourn with
and now it is hurting you to no end
maybe it is time
for you to lie in the couch
and tell us what is going on
what life is all about
let me feel good for once
because I have helped someone
let us try to comfort you
let us help you find the sun
if you decide that this is
just goodbye for good
then may God bring you happiness
you deserve it
that is understood.
Vic
I woke up this morning to a brand new day
I opened my mouth I had something to say
“good morning” was all I heard
“I’m just fine” I couldn’t believe my words
I knew there was a storm brewing inside me
clouds of despair so dark that I could barely see
I knew that it was just a matter of time
till my outlook on life would be worth less than a dime
I wanted to tell my very best friend
but I don’t have a friend to tell
I wanted to tell my family
that I was starting to feel like hell
I wanted to scream and dance and show
that I was not doing too good
I wanted to I know I did
I really think I should
silence filled my voice today
silence filled my day
maybe tomorrow the clouds will pass
and all this will be a mute point anyway
I can fell the way I feel
and wear a greasepaint smile
and if I find myself in the pit
it will only be for a while
soon the sun will shine again
I will be silent because I have nothing to say
soon I will be happy
soon I will play
I pray
Lord please give me strength to endure
the times I am going thru
Lord please let the time pass quickly
so I can do what I have to do
Lord please let me not be a burden
to those that love me so much
Lord let me not lose my sanity
Lord help me stay in touch
Please give me peace to sleep
once in every while
please Lord grant me the strength
to somehow try to smile
Lord if it is not too much trouble
please make my path straight
and guide me through my darkest hours
in Your name I pray.
vic
Hi my name is Victor
I used to come here allot
I used to give advice sometimes
usually advice was what I got
I do look forward to reading
about all of the people here
sharing laughter when I am manic
when I am depressed I will share a tear
right now I am not doing so bad
well I have been much worse
it feels good to be back at WOM
and typing in my silly verse.
hopeless
hopeless
the history books will never
even mention my name
up until thins moment
I was sure I was destined for fame
I thought I was going to write
a book or maybe invent a doo dad
I was going to make millions of dollars
I was not going to become too bad
I know
that I have no skills
I have no real plans
so probably I never will
I will probably live my life
dependant on SSDI
and on those that love me
at least until they die
I am and will forever be
a burden to society
maybe it would be best
if I were laid to rest
vic
I cant seem to explain
I dont feel right now
I want to tell someone
but I dont know how
I dont feel happy
I dont feel sad
I dont feel good
I dont feel bad
I dont feel normal
I dont feel sick
I dont feel
I dont feel anything
I want to write
such beauty and prose
but I cant feel the words
thats the way it goes
this too will pass
like the winter cold
then I will feel
maybe I will just feel old
maybe I will feel
like I dont want to be
maybe I will feel
pain and suffering
at least I will be
able to say
how I feel
on that day.
Hunger to die
Hunger to die
I woke up in the morning
I was starved to be dead
I wanted so much to die
at least I did in my head
I am not suicidal
I have never really been
just form time to time
I want to do myself in
the urge it is quite real
even though I know I wont act
is it fair that I have
this monkey on my back?
I feel like I am starving
and I really really want food
but there is no food around
I go without it is just understood
every waking moment
I know the urge is there
but I try not to let it bother me
I try not to care
I dare not think of eating
of the dish that I desire
for if I do I will forever burn
for eternity in hells fire
I hope that I can sleep
I know that I soon will
thanks to the magic
of my Benadryl
I will dream of suicide
my tears will wake me once more
at the moment just before I wake
I wonder if I was dead before
my first waking breath I feel
the hunger in my soul
dreading yet another day
I must not lose control
I am a good kid
at the age of thirty-six
I will hunger in silence
I can get past this
I can leap thru fire
and never feel the burn
till I have had time to think
then I stop and learn
I can deal with pressure
the more the better I deal
but it isnt till all is calm
that I start to feel
I know that I should crumble
when bad things happen to me
I dont I
I really want to
but I dont you see
I want to scream
I want to cry
I want to feel
like I want to die
I want to feel compassion
right there and then
I dont and that bugs me
to no end
and the feeling of living
as if I was on another world
I thought that just happened to me
the felling is terrible
the knowing that I will break down
is little consolation
I think the knowledge is bad
it just ads to my frustration
I can type all the words I want
and none will really do any good
because I know what you are asking for
Ian I would give it to you if I could
I would tell you the secret
that would make everything just fine
but when I am in limbo times
I just lose my mind
I make sure I do my house work
I make sure to keep my job
I try to look presentable
at least not look like a slob
I pass the time as you are doing
and you are doing great
I hope by the time you read this
my words will come too late
Vic.
I don’t want to sleep
I know that if I do
all my energy
will fall thru
I am so exhausted
my body aches in pain
I don’t want to sleep
I must be insane
I am not really tired
I have energy to spare
I can stay awake for days
but I don’t want to go there
I guess I will take
a couple Benadryl
let my body aches
be cured again by a pill
I don’t want to sleep
but night is wasting fast
I don’t want to sleep
but I am running outta gas
soon I will just be confused
I have been this way before
thinking I am razor sharp
but not making sense no more
I will forget to finish sentences
I will forget to start them at all
I will hear voices from beyond the fences
I start my fall
I have been so good for so long
I don’t want to mess that up
but I don’t want to sleep
I just don’t want to stop
I am on the verge
of feeling oh so great
mania is so seductive
like lines on a mirrored plate
I want to taste the euphoria
I want to just once more
but alas I will just go to bed
and be “healthy” just once more
I don’t want to sleep
that is in my head
but I don’t want to wake up
in a hospital bed
I read the posts
from so many in pain
I want to care
but I refrain
for what if I say something wrong
something that is not nice
I cannot take it back
upon thinking twice
I have the best intentions
I want to help I really do
but there are so many here that know how to say
words that sing so true
there are people here that know what to say
and when to say nothing at all
so I just remember in my prayers
all that I can recall
it has been a long long while
since I last posted here
I stopped coming for a spell
the reasons are not all to clear
I think I was acting the part
of a disabled person way too much
I had to take some time
just to get in touch
I had to see that my problems
are not all about depression
some in fact many are due
to the recent recession
I also had to realize
that I am capable of living life
I can handle the glory
I can handle the strife
I am back now and I want to help
in any way I can
I am bipolar but I am much more
I am a living man
I do have my problems still
I will probably share them too
and then I will be looking for comfort
and answers or maybe a clue
for now I am just going to say
it feels good to be back here
I look forward to celebrating Thanks Giving
and Christmas
and the New Year
Vic
Ayame.
sometimes when I look in the mirror
imperfections are all I see
all my vision is drawn to
my huge abnormalities
is it a trick of light
or is it a sad reality
that I cant look into the mirror
and see the real me
I cant see my smile
I cant even see my tears
I focus on my scars
I focus on my fears
I am afraid that is just who I am
like it or not
mirrors will never be my friends
I must rely on thoughts
the times that I have helped someone
when they were feeling down
and the memories of when I myself
made a smile from a frown
the times I forgot who I was
on the dance floor at night
when I laughed with my friends
and such memories of delight
I am beautiful
so are you
I can say tat without any doubt
not because of as stupid mirror
We are beautiful! I can shout
because beauty is not determined
by the beast that lies within
but rather by the heartbeat
that lets our sun shine in
I have heard it said
more than once and it is true
that Love
true love
is found in the imperfections in you
vic
I am not certain that makes any sense
but I am trying to say that cameras and mirrors sometimes only show us 2 dimensional imperfections. In the real world I now people as imperfect as they come and I love them so why cant I seem to give them credit for being able to love me even though I dont look like a picture from a magazine?
Judy
the times that we must be
stronger than we ever thought we could
are the times that our resolve
is not always all that very good
when failure is not an option
at least not one that we like to talk about
is when want to cry
when we want to break down and shout
the pressure of doing right
sometimes makes us want to stop the fight
but rage sweet rage is instinct in your heart
it is not pretty it is not wise and it is not very smart
knowing deep inside that you are YOU
is all you really need to make it through
maybe you wont look the best in some people's eyes
maybe you will have to sit right down and do nothing
maybe you it will look to some like you did not even try
but in your heart of hearts you know you will win
-- just keep breathing.
Vic.
Judy
I do hope by the time you read this you are feeling better
but if not all I was trying to type was that even if you do nothing but breathing you have attained victory over the beast that was tormenting you when you first posted.
look at life not like a journey
but rather like a play
that lives a different scene
every single day
some scenes are happy
some are sad
some are written well
some are written bad
most are inconsequential
the really are just fillers at best
but then are those days that we remember
that make our life a test
the sunny day that for no reason
kinda sticks in my mind
the rainy day I was not happy
and I wasn’t very kind
the day I graduated
and the day I fell in love
are just a few scenes that
I am talking of
the play has more than one stage
and there are certainly more than one line
to the story and the plot
than I can sit and define
there are definitely more than three acts
life has its twists and turns
and defiantly it take several days
to get some lessons learned
so maybe this is not a play
because there are no curtain calls
maybe life is just life
after all
I am an old grown man
living with my folks
tell me the punch line if you can
of my life that is a joke
I am not laughing
it is not funny
I don’t think it is
to live a life
without any honey
to merely exist
life’s honey is so sweet
at least so I am told
the taste makes life complete
the taste makes life bold
sweetness oh sweet sweetness
where are you today
I can’t even remember
how sweet sweetness tastes
I am worthless at least worth less
than I thought life had in store
I will sleep I will eat
then I will sleep some more
the sooner I get thru my skin
that mine is not the lot
to be very happy deep within
and what I have is what I got
the sooner I will realize
that I am what I am
mentally disabled
genetically damned
that day is some day far away
because I refuse to believe
everything that people say
that is bad about me
I am capable of feeling pain
I know I can cry
and if I can feel then I know
I can feel quite high
I know I can taste life
I know that I can
I can deal with strife
I am a capable man
right now I am feeling blue
but this some day will pass
someday I will be a man
with honey in his glass
Vic
there is a darkness
it is the night
insecurity and fear
live in delight
there is no time
no way to tell
when the sun will shine
but believe me it will
the sun will rise
and when it does
the day will be brighter
just because
because there is light
because there is love
because there is warmth
because there is love
because there is life
because there is love
because there is comfort
because there is love
love may sometimes
seem so far away
but when it seems it is the farthest
love shines on a brand new day
Making the cut
Making the cut
winning sometimes feels like everything
sometimes losing does too
that is when life seems dark
and we are feeling blue
it is not whether you win or lose
that matters much in the end
it is the role that you play
the impact you make on your loved ones and friends
if you feel like you have been in the crowd
not even chosen for a team
or if you feel like you can’t wake up
from a really really bad dream
time will take care of that
I know what I am talking about
because not too long ago I was the one
that swallowed silent tears and shouts
I thought I was too weak to play
this game that most call life
I was going to end it all
with pills instead of a knife
I couldn’t see that I was just scared
I could not see too straight at all
because I was alone
I was alone or so I thought
A minute passed
maybe it was a day
maybe it was a week
I can’t really quite say
the point is that time passed
and somehow I feel different
maybe not to much better
but I feel passion
I am still a bit down
I would be lying if I said I was not
but somehow life -- the game
is within me trying to get out
Chameleon
all it takes to make the team is the courage to keep on breathing. and believe me it isnt always fun
and every "game isn't a happy victory
and I live in Cleveland so I know every season isnt meant to be our team's year to make it to the championship but there ARE victories. and as your lows can make you forget all the good moments there are good times that make you forget all the bad times.
Vic.
It has been a long while
since I wrote a poem
that said anything special
that brought any point home
but I am not going to quit
trying to write you see
not as long as I can type
not as long as I can breath
I will keep typing
I will keep rhyming
even if my messages
need help in their timing
maybe the poems wont be
the best ever written
but when I look back
I know they will fit in
I know that each rhyme
that I could not make work
will tell me just how I felt
even if I felt like a jerk
the point is to not quit
to try and move on
till my passion for writing
once again sees the sun
vic
I have a bit of energy
I have a bit of drive
I have a bit of courage
I am going to give it one more try
Once more I will try …
…to lose some weight
…to find a girlfriend
…to find a better job
…to wake up early
…to exercise
…not to look like a slob
I know I will fail
I have failed so many times before
but I will try because it makes me feel
like I am doing something more
I feel like I am more
one more time :)
strange that as we are/
we would probably never meet/
unless I can find the words/
to make your heart skip a beat/
I have to first convince you/
that my words are true/
and that is simply not/
an easy thing to do/
I am sure you have the lines/
like “Have we met before?”/
and maybe you are convinced/
that most men are rotten to the core/
I am not most men/
you have never met me yet/
giving me the benefit of the doubt/
I doubt you will regret/
alas your heart I did not forget/
I was on a mission to alter its pace/
I regret that I cannot/
for a heart is personal space/
till I get a note from you/
my poetic hands are truly tied/
till I get a note from you/
I cannot even make you sigh/
prayers answered
I have almost forgotten
the times I prayed …
…for energy just to get out of bed
…for the thoughts to get out of my head
…that I could smile again
…that I could be a friend
all my prayers were answered
My meds are doing well
now it is up to me
to simply walk out of hell
one step at a time
time and time again
will lead me to a better place
and I will have forgotten
I pray…
… for something to do
… for a job I can keep
… to manage my time
… to get just eight hours sleep
Every once in a while
I feel like I can win
an on the odd occasion
I finish what I begin
I am starting to feel that way right now
and I must admit
it feels really great
I feel like I am not going to quit
I think I am going to loose some weight
I think I am going to start walking strait
I feel like I can start dressing with style
I feel like I am going to start to smile
I know I have to take a chance
I know I hear the music and I have to dance
In all likelihood
this is just a passing phase
in all likelihood
morning will come my mood will change
but for a minute
for right now
I fell great
I think I am allowed
to sleep like there is a bright tomorrow
Vic
I love you more than a thousand roses
love the light of a summers day
when I see you my heart just mealts
in such a special way
when you speak I swear I hear angles
accompanying your gentle voice
when you are near I am so glad
I just want to rejoice
your smile is one that can brighten up
any gloomy room
when you are gone I swear I can still smell
the fragrance of your perfume
when you are gone oh what a joke
for you are always in my mind
I could see your pretty face
even if I were to go blind
but please don’t leave for too long
for I miss you when we part
you see you own most of me
including my heart
someday soon I know I will be able to say
these words to a real live gal in a special way
I will look into her loving eyes and maybe see a tear
because she loves me too that will be so clear
someday soon I have no doubt that I will be in love
I have so much to offer so many things I cant even think of
if there is a God and I know there is I will find a friend
I will have some special poems to write I will then
vic
I know you may be strong enough
to wear a greasepaint smile
for everyone that loves you
that is your strength -- your style
but
if someone that you loved
had a thorn in their toe
wouldn't you pull it out
you would this I know
you my friend have a thorn
stuck inside your brain
it causes you an indescribable
not so obvious pain
talking offers some relief
but you have to find the souls
that can listen to you
and not lose control
I know that it is scary
to reveal weaknesses we have
the fear of disapproval
the fear that someone might laugh
but it is scarier
hiding this pain alone
so give credit to a loved one
the next time you are on the phone
Good luck
Vic
I just want to say thank you
for not taking the darker road
for being here beside me
for carrying the load
I know I could not stop you
from ever doing yourself harm
any more that I could understand
why in death you found charm
I cannot place into so many words
the relief that I feel
knowing that you live today
knowing your life is real
so if I do not say the words
that make you know I care
forgive me for I almost lost you
and now I am really scared
I do care unconditionally
it should be said more often
that might ease your painful moments
at least make life less rotten
most nights I sit doing my best impression
of a flower on the wall
I hope that when it comes to talking
my name will not be called
I am so comfortable in my chair
it is so cozy and soft
I am comfortable in my silence
listening to others talk
it is cool how the evening unfolds
before my very ears
how with support and encouragement
Living Miracles can stomp on fears
I stand here doing my best impression
of a flower that wants to grow
but before I blossom
my roots must take you know
The Friendship Journey Begins
getting to know a stranger
gets stranger day by day
I used to just go out to my sand box
and ask if you wanted to play
then there were the notes
the teacher never seen
how naive romance was
when I was just a teen
“can I buy you a drink”
I think I remember saying
never thinking about
the games that I was playing
now I have email
a cell phone and café’s
modern conveniences
to keep up with a modern pace
I wouldn’t change a thing
even if I could turn back time
my memories and experiences
are unique
they are mine
I sit here typing wondering
what exactly might be
as I take the first step
in a friendship journey
the little voice
listen to the little voice
the one that brought you here
the one that has a little smile
the lost voice of your cheer
dont tell me that you dont have one
becaue I know that you do
it is just WAY way way deep inside
the real you
the person that you really are
not the beast that has you down
look hard for that voice
really look around
look under the cushions
in the living room
look near and far
look beneath the broom
lool like it is the car keys
that you have recently lost
because this voice is more important
it has a higher cost
the point is not to find the voice
the pont is just to look around
becaue keeping busy is the key
to lifting yourself off the ground
we both know that in time
the voice will ring loud and clear
till that moment comes
do not give in to fear
I hope by the time you read this
you will be felling better
and this rhyme will just be an exercise
an encouraging letter
vic.
at times it seems like there will be no tomorrow
at times I wish there weren’t
it is times like these I feel so bad
yet know not exactly where I hurt
I want to scream but I did that once
it wasn’t the best two weeks
I spent them in a psych ward
feeling like a freak
I want to cry but my tears won’t fall
I hate that I really do
I mean maybe if I could just weep for a while
maybe my sadness would be thru
I want to sleep all day and all night
but I get hungry when I lie in bed to long
I want to sleep forever
but suicide is wrong
“I know that if I just keep breathing”
“this to will pass away”
“and I will be feeling better”
that is what I say
I say it every morning
I say it throughout the day
I say it before I go to sleep
I say it in different ways
I say it in the shower
I say it at my meals
I say it and say it and say it some more
in hopes that it will be real
but I have stopped believing
I don’t think that I should
but a decade and a half is long enough
for my words to become good
Vic
It is true that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over
while expecting different results. I am not sure what I am going to do different
but I do know I have to stop expecting to get better and start making it happen.
think of sleep
think of a springtime valley
a serene place that you know
where you can just relax and sit
and let your worries go
think of a powerful waterfall
that nature took centuries to build
picture the rush and spray of water
overcoming your will
think of the perfect sunny day
and all the things you can do
like ride your bike and play ball
and swim if you want too
think of a secret garden
your own private thinking spot
notice how beautiful
all the plants have got
think about the numbers
how one comes before two
and think about this relationship
if that is what helps you
think of a story that you knew
when you were just a child
if you can remember the words
that would be just wild
think about a movie
that you saw not to long ago
and how the maiden was saved
by the dashing hero
close your eyes if you can
if you can’t just let them be
know that prayers are said on your behalf
in hopes that you finally sleep
There comes a time I have to say
God just put me together this way
my weakness
my strengths
my character
my faults
this is the hand I was dealt
no more can any pill solve
I am not to wait till I get better
I am not so bad off right now
I can engage in life’s battles
at least I do know how
sure I will be afraid
there is a good chance I will lose
especially with the frame of mind
that I currently choose
if I lose so be it
I will fight again
each defeat I will not regret
I will learn my friend
I will change my frame of mind
the best that I know how
to one that will make me the victor
that I am destine to be right now
I can feel the passion
pulsing thru my veins
I know I can learn
to fight again
Okay it is a bit messed up and at times it doesn’t even make sense
but all that is really necessary for a call to arms is that it motivates one to fight
and that is what I m desperately trying to do.
today something snapped
I am not sure what it was
I was told by my trainer
that inner beauty and personality is important
I have the energy to do
whatever has to be done
I have the drive to finish
my work in progress
a work in progress
that is what I have become
all the while waiting for that day
that I am finally done
well I am done right now I tell you
I am here to say
I will work harder than ever before
I am done with play
I am not going to listen
when my head tells me that I cant
I am going to work hard at
becoming the best me I can be
physically
mentally
emotionally
totally
I know my mood will fall once more
it usually does
but I have today enough energy
to endure my cause
I may fail
I may succeed
but when I am done I will NOT
be able to say I didn’t try
with every fiber of my being
up one minute down the next
I know just how that feels
like life is a movie decades long
and someone has mixed up the reels
I look to my pills in a bottle
as if a genie could come out
it matters not how many I swallow
it matters not how loud I shout
I take solace in knowing
if I dont like where I am at
in minutes I will be somewhere else
that is a matter of fact
when I am better
when I can smile
I just have fun
like it is going outta style
someday the science may be there
to help everyone just like me
till then I will dare
to live life completely
I will endure the cold moods
I will embrace the hot
I will simply take moods as they come
I will live allot
Vic.
I know the phrase "Get well soon" is kinda trite here
but I do hope you are feeling better soon
and that it lasts for more than 3 days.
What do you do
What do you do? I was asked
by a stranger I never met before
the question kinda caught me off guard
I didn’t have an answer in store
I breathe I think therefore I am
I was going to say
I am defined not by my work
but rather by my play
so I told him
“I smile”
“I care”
“I laugh”
“I cry”
“I love”
“I hate”
“I live”
I sighed
“I give”
“I take”
“I clean”
“I make”
at the moment I am unemployed
and I have been for quite a while
that does not make me less of a person
that does not diminish my style
I am a valid person
not just some piece of trash
my life will not be valued
on if I make some cash
A Hawk That Once Lived As a Mouse
A Smile That Sneaked Into My World.
My First Real Attempt at Suicide
Sleep Like There is a Bright
Tomorrow
I have no clue why
I want to scream
I want to cry
feels like a dream
I have no sense of time
there is no wrong or right
I am going to explode
in a passionate song
I will look so bad
to all my friends
they do not understand
I don’t know where to hide
my head.
I did not scream
it was all a bad dream
the tears I shed
will dry from my head
no one knew felt pain
"I still look great", she said
I did not scream
it was all a bad dream
Well I find it hard to label
a bird that fell out of the tree.
I mean chick is probably destine
to be a cats entrée'
the only thing that happened
in most cases you will find
is that there was a eager young foul
that really wanted to fly.
Thanx to its high-strung spirit
the little bird must lie in the grass
not knowing just when which
peep will be its last.
So he sits there still and quiet,
even when Mom has a relay neat worm
he worries of danger all around him
even when there is no harm
He wakes up from sleep wanting to scream
when he realizes the flashback was just a dream
soon he weighs less than he should
so flight is not easy -- that's no good
finally comes the day he can fly.
It is the day he must fly.
nature, time and instincts take their course,
and soon up in the skies
lives a hawk that once lived like a mouse.
Lord, please be gracious
with the peace there is in you
many among us desire it
some have great faith too
please do not consider
the amount that I deserve
lest Lord, please just please
please just calm my nerves
If for just one morning
I'd smile at the day's new birth
and have the energy to jump and run
oh what that would be worth
An then the whole day through
I could laugh and sing and play
I would song your praises
tell your glory, every day
and if at night I would not cry
until medicated to close my eyes
wondering if today was my last
wondering if tomorrow I would die
Peace of mind is yours to give lord,
I have begged and now I pray
please Lord if you deem it good
please grand me another good day.
I promise not to take allot of your precious time
especially when it is just me talking
I want to thank you for all of your precious "hi"’s
I know it may seem a bit shocking
every time you say hello
I say to myself, "Vic"
"What can possibly keep you low?"
"what can make you sick?"
because here is this girl in all her pain
taking time to say
"Hi", to me and making sure
to brighten up my day
She may not see the gift
that every time says "hello"
I can close my eyes and see
her smile and a prayer.
Somewhere in the night
there lies a dream
that I once dreamt.
It is full of light
and it would seem
I knew what it meant
a long long time ago
I lost the meaning
the dream, the light the innocence
I just let go
I quit
trying to even make any sense
of a child's dream
made of a child's world
in a child's frame of mind
then the nightmares came.
big and bad and ugly
soon I learned to forget.
I learned to dream tamer
so as not to scream
I've not had a heart attack yet.
Now I watch the stars till dawn
looking really hard
for the light, the dream I lost years ago.
it seems the light
was the sunrise
even when I was 9 years old.
I remember now it is clear as day
I was just another kid.
playing king of the mountain
I did all things kids did.
They used to call me crazy,
I would call them wacko back
I remember Barbara had a crush on me
till I painted her pig-tails black
I can smile just remembering
everything that was
it is good -- well it is a smile
that sneaked into my world.
Lord help her I ask you please
as I sit in my chair typing keys
true I do not know her name, still she is my friend
her heart has been revealed to me time and again
she has comforted many people
she has shed tears on my behalf
she has shown me many many times
that life is definitely the better path
Lord I ask of you
to have her understand
in her hour of need
I will reach out my hand
I am sure she has not lost faith
I doubt that she is even close
please grant her your inner peace
is what I ask the most
you will heal her spirit
time will heal her flesh
her inspiration will demand
life is not over yet.
vic
Acceptance is not perfection
they are two different words
I mean flaws are what make us real
at least that is what I've heard
People are people
so what do you say
that's the way the song goes
there is work and there is play
We try to please our loved ones
and we try not to fail
depending on our nature
we sometimes fail ourselves
I accept those that I love
no need for pomp or circumstance
that is the way that I am
that is the way I dance
I have found
beyond my dream of dreams
my acceptance
to them works the same way it seems
I am not in your situation
I am sure I don't understand it all
I will leave showing my complete hand
You know I am not going to say it
I am not going to say a thing
I will fail you will accept and understand
I have never been too good with the quotes in the bible
there are some really great ones I hear them all the
time, but quotes isn't exactly what praying is all about
anyways.
I offer a prayer that comes from my heart,
I know it will be well received
And what I pray for saves me when times are hard.
it is Jesus' own inner peace.
I know you will weather the storms.
but at what price I wonder inside.
Some times it seems we are alone.
and all that is good in us has died.
There is an inner peace. One that I cannot describe.
that helps. believe me its true.
why would I lie.
may His peace be with you.
I wish I could say every day would be all right,
and every time it was proper you would sleep at night
every dream that you remember would make a smile
every time you wanted to you'd go that "extra mile"
but that is not to be.
Medicines are nice they help our cause,
and lifestyles the must change too.
But to be painfully honest
time is the only cure.
I wish I were more patient
as a patient is supposed to be
because the steps that may seem backward
are the ones that help us heal
and I wish it didn't hurt so much
every time we fall.
and I wish there would be one last time
to say, "finally I have it all".
I call his name When ...
. . . feel pain I know it will be gone
. . . it rains I call in the drops I hear a song
. . . I am lonely I call and I know he is right beside me
. . . no one will hold me and no longer do I need
. . . I am alone in a crowd them not a stranger do I see.
. . . I have to scream out loud I end up screaming unto the Lord
. . . and somehow I am proud when I feel like I have sung the perfect chord.
Nothing is impossible
nothing is unstoppable
God knows the pain in our lives.
have faith that He loves you
and yes I believe it is true
take pleasure in the gifts that he give.
Sure we had laughter
sure we had tears
and sure we had minutes
but what about years.
I know there are times
when it seems no one cares
when in the darkness
you are alone and really scared.
don't count the footprints
they sometimes lie
just count your pulse
it is mime.
Cry if you must
for days gone by
but believe me it does not help
memories can embellish
soft sun light
and how wonderful it felt
time are tough now
I do not argue with that,
and that is the way it is
I am sorry that life
has hurt you
the cure goes beyond a kiss
The cure that is funny
I mean I am messed up
messed up as all the rest
I have had doctors guessing
about what might help me
they have only clues and an educated guess
I have swallowed a dozen pills each day
for a decade actually eight years
and sure I can talk to strangers now
but my friends bring me to tears
oh yeha days gone by
I forgot all about them
I was saying how it doesn't help
a bit to remember when
I do believe it doesn't help
but hey what can it hurt
even eleven years of good times
when times are bad can divert.
The cure is quite simple
it is not found in any pill
for it there is no prescription
there is not even a hefty bill
it is hope and prayer
kindness and love
it is genuine respect
from all involved
that its not just me
that is being cured
by God's loving hand
of this I am sure
for scientist are getting smarter
love is being redefined
a simple smile
I can broaden a skeptic's mind
I am a person let that be known
no better no worse than the next
sure I long for the day I am better
but today I am glad I am blessed
lack of feeling
lack of emotion and goodness too
walking in darkness
I disappear from view
darkness envelops my body
darkness captures my soul
I am not talking about lack of light
I am referring to losing control
I don’t care -- I think I should though
I really want to, I think
but I cant remember why
the further into the pit I sink
Oh I hear the words "Choose life"
and "Things are not all that bad"
I know I am not gonna die
even though I am sad
I am meant to be in darkness
I can put a on grease paint smile
I will fain joy now and again
Lonely and sad is not so bad for a while
If I thought for just one moment,
that I could do some good.
I would reach inside my soul
and give everything I could
I would give and give, and give,
and give, and give some more
till all that was left of me
was a bare depleted core
people would come from miles around
just to see the sight
of the spot where
one man made things right
they would come and look into my eyes
that is if I still did live
and see a man that is just too weak
a man that cannot give.
I have looked into those eyes somewhere
I cannot quite place the sight.
It was morning yeha I am remembering
I had waken from the night
I brushed my teeth, and washed my face
I was just about to shave
In the mirror I saw a worthless soul
that knew not how to behave.
He had the strength to help for sure
and only one thing was clear
that nothing can paralyze a spirit
like ignorance and fear
I can help I know I can
I know it won't make me weak
In fact I will probably grow stronger
one step closer to the peak.
I hope that I feel this way tomorrow,
I somehow doubt I will
maybe I can find solace
after taking all my pills
I need a plan Yeha that is what I need
to make me a better man
I know I hate the lime light
so in the shadows I must stand
maybe I could ask for help,
an ad in the local rag
and find cause that could use
a reason to up and brag
not just any cause of course I know
I want one that is right for me
I want to help the people
that are in real need
I want to help the poor,
the homeless and the oppressed
the female that has not a voice
and man that was to wear a dress.
and I want to help the hungry
the stupid that can't get work
and anyone that classified
as a class A grade I jerk
I want to help the writers
of those country songs
and everyone that has had to struggle
with a used car for too long
and don't forget the rich folk
their life is way hard too.
every year come around taxes
they pay a percent or two
The animals need help most of all
because they can't even talk
I want to pay for surgeries
so that every hamster can walk
I think the cold is curable
There must be more studies done.
The war on drugs is loosing.
we must make sure drugs are not fun.
Traffic is getting better
no one has been shot lately
but I think I will see to it
that target practice is mandatory
loose moral there is a spot
that I can surely fix.
by the punishment for men without morals
will be cutting off their income.
That is the first day of my great crusade
I better go to sleep now.
maybe I will fix delusions of grandeur
if I have time some how.
here is a poem few will understand
yet many will think they do.
It is about how I want to end it all
get it all over, done, and through.
Yes I want to wake up one day
and cut out what is ailing me
look in the mirror and just say "you putz"
"are you so blind you can't see"
"that day after day there is a problem"
"and it is only getting worse"
"life is not going the way you want"
"not the way that you rehearsed."
"End all the madness and silly stuff"
"and walk the path of life"
"like you are healthy"
"and stop living this lie."
"I mean saying today that tomorrow"
"you will feel good enough to have fun"
"Buck up realize that it will just be sorrow"
"then maybe you can get things done"
"End all the delusions that there will come a day"
"that you can hold a job"
"for more that a season of the year"
"without quitting and starting to sob"
"Get over the feeling some call pride"
"It was years ago that it went away"
"Get over the intense wanting to cry"
"Get over caring it’s the safest way"
No
I cannot live just for the moment
just waiting to die
I may not succeed every time ,
but I will always try
and when I look into tomorrow
It may be dark. I may be scared
but one sunset at a time
I will find my way there
I will end it all
if "IT" consists of my self pity
and to get "IT" over with for good
I will not stay sitting
I will FIGHT
I will WIN
I will LOSE gracefully
And FIGHT again
I will RACE until
Until I FINISH
I will
well I will
I will end all the bad things I can control
and I will get over the ones I cannot.
One day a man wen on a journey
for the path that would lead to the forest.
He left his home and traveled by night
because he thought it was the best
At night he could guard against daemons
and all that nocturnally prey
and sleeping as the sun shone
he felt that he was safe.
Also the afternoon sun was hot
in the land that he was from
so traveling by night was genies
And everyone called him dumb.
Well then one day beyond a the final tree
he saw that path and rejoiced
"The path to the forest!" he exclaimed
in a towering manly voice.
Soon he would find all the plants that he needed
for medicine, and dies, and food.
he started to run faster and faster,
alas he was the fool
for he walked on for miles and saw not a tree
just deserts, and animals, and sand
NYC
oh say can you see
a terrible page in history
It is a world of sinners
it is a world of crime
now it seems we are all beginners
living in a new less innocent time
Live we must
live we will
to just survive
with no thrill
would be to admit defeat
so remember September 9th
if you really can
think of the headlines
remember your daily plan
if like me that is too hard,
think of ten minutes from now
what can be done to live and maybe smile
like looking at a cloud
maybe it is raining,
that makes for a good day to clean
maybe there is a good movie
that you haven’t seen
I know what I like to do
the things that make life full and fun
somehow I think you do to
the tough part is to get things done.
Hi,
I sit here hoping
that everything is fine
that you are feeling peachy
that you have peace of mind
I am so many miles away,
I can't even offer a hug
but maybe if I try real hard
I can share a little love.
I can share the part of my soul
that really wants to play
you know the part I talk of
the part that runs all day
It is the inherent energy
of a three year old child
Some say that we out grow it
to me that seems wild.
I mean I still have it sure I do,
I looks silly when I show it.
but let me tell you
the energy helps not to quit.
I fear I may not make you smile
some times we are meant to cry.
If that helps you go on so be it
let the tears by.
When you have added an inch to the lake,
and you can cry no more
Jump on the bed, or squirt Hubby some
find your "energy" once more
I suppose it is "easy to say"
I mean life is not so cut and dry
I do not pretend to know
how you feel as I sit and write.
If you are felling great, and I brought you down
oops is all I can really say
But if Get well soon is proper right about now
then I'll be here whenever you want to play.
Give me the strength Lord
to give it my all
when times are tough
and I want to fall
please grant me the luxury
of seeing your peace
even when life torments me
and my troubles don't cease
I beg that when I am down
with my heart on my sleeve
that I look twice and that I see
there is cause to believe
for I am in your image Lord
you are aware that I suffer
There is greatness in me
I can't see through the tears
and the wiser I get
the less are my fears.
once in a while Lord
All that I ask
Is an occasional smile
I remember from my the past.
The strength that I asked for,
well I suppose I know
it grows inside me
as I grow.
Once a long long long long time ago
the very first instant appeared
before that there was no time
deadlines were not feared
since that day time moved on
at a steady even pace
setting the stage for the main event
called the human race. (I like to think so)
Time marched till the moment
I saw you again
I swear for just an instant
it stopped
I was visiting a friend.
I want to write the words
that everyone wants to hear
just as I have lived my life
so that no one sheds a tear
I am tired of saying I feel good
if I feel like poop
I am tired of hiding a smile
when I really want to
I am tired of taking medicines
that make me fat and stupid
I am tired of getting blood level checks
by a tired underpaid phlabotomist
I am tired of feeling good
ant then feeling sad
I am tired of waking up one morning
wondering what day we are at
I am tired of getting fired
and grinning and saying thankyou
I am tired of not ever
ever ever ever ever telling the truth
I am tired of knowing I have gone thru hell
to get to where I am with no one to tell
I am tired of being so proud of me
only my mirror and med records see
I am tired I really am
I want to be normal already
I am tired of knowing there will never be a cure
just pills that get slightly better and cost more
I am tired of know I am a the freak
at the but of late nights jokes
I am tired of only crying at night
so no one need to know
I am tired of hiding all that I have to offer
creativity and words that rhyme
I am tired of knowing that some day maybe soon
I may run out of time
You would think as tired as I am
I would sleep even with bad dreams and all
but I will sleep when I can
I will sleep when I get too tired.
"yeah, I know how you feel."
How could it be
how in the world
could you know
how I feel
You have a clue
maybe some pain
but you don't know
what goes on in my brain
don't tell me a lie
because I know that you care
I know you mean well
but at least play fair.
don't try to fix me
as you wipe my tears
and realize you have yours
and that I have my fears
You don't know
believe me
I know what I say
when I say
that I hurt
that I am in pain
if I could describe it
I would have by now
but descriptions alone
are useless some how
no this is more
than stubbing your toe
there are no band aids
for this that I know
I am sorry for times
that I treated you bad
and more for the times
that I was sad
and you could just stand there
feeling bad
because you love me
being helplessness just makes you mad
but trust me I know
there will be a day
that we will look back and laugh
some how some way
No, not tomorrow
no not next year.
that day is way off
I really do fear.
but so is the day
I first fell in this pit
it doesn’t seem that long ago
now does it?
yes I am tiered too,
now I must rest
I feel I am lucky
I feel I am blessed
to have a friend
like you by my side.
what do you mean you know how I feel?
well,
I will let that one slide.
I smile if I want to smile
it is only fair
don’t think for even an instant
it means that I don’t care
I care
I care
I feel
I grieve
I cry
I laugh
I smile
I wonder why
I remember
I regret
I ponder
I try to forget
I pray
I forgive
I feel loss
I live
I really had a hard time accepting any good feelings. I felt as though if I laughed when I thought something was funny, I was acting improper. Allot of the people I talk to now feel the same way.
I am not telling knock knock jokes around town, but I am not forcing depression on myself to impress my neighbors either.
I am back where I started
I have been here before
time and time again
no longer can I see this
as the beginning
I feel this is the end
Make no mistake
I tried my best
my success just never came
I am not angry
I am not sad
I am just insane
If I take
another step
what good would it do
walking in circles
running in place
hoops that I've jumped thru
I have my sights set on higher ground
there is a mountain
I must climb
I don’t know that I can
but I realize
I must try
I saw the doc earlier today
he said that I was fine.
I turned my head and coughed
he was off to the next patient in line.
and later I saw the psychiatrist
she too said things were well
I take my pills responsibly
that much she could tell
well after I got home today
I wondered if I was wrong
but isn't it true a healthy man
doesn't heal for so so long.
I mean I got "sick" so long ago
all I remember is the date.
was my twist of fate.
and since then I have been getting "better"
what the hell does that mean
when will I be able to say
there was a day I was not healthy
when will look back and laugh
and not just want to cry?
when will I never ever ever ever
think I want to die?
I mean I can pray I know of faith
it was fed to me as a kid
and patience I have a mess of that
at least I thought I did
but there comes a time for action
acting is all I do
if 2 doctors with years of experience
said I am okay, its true
and all this on a day
I need only the slightest chance
to scream and jump and cry and rant, and rave and ...
at even a persons wrong glance
well I lived through today
I will live through tomorrow
I will make it through the next day too
That is what they say
though I feel sorrow
I will make it through
I know that there is a reason
I know there is a rhyme
I know that some how I am living
and surviving at the present time
and if there should come a weakness
that leads to my last gasp of air
I know I will have given everything
at this moment I care.
That my friends is important to know
that I care right here and now
it is not very important
what I care about
But I really feel I am doing fine
as I turn out the light
I will sleep and dream
till the mornings light.
I saw the doctors today
they said I was okay
who am I to argue
what good would come anyways.
good night
vic
I want to say "good morning
as we pas every day
at least say hello
as our eyes meet every day
I want to introduce myself
as we meet on the bus
I know that we would smile
instead of being so serious
I want to say "thank you"
for the encouragement at work
I don’t my lips stay silent
I feel like a jerk
I want to say "can I sit here"
or maybe "do you mind"
instead I take a healthy lunch walk
to a park bench I call mine
I want to tell the funny jokes
beside the water cooler too
but I can never seem to get them right
was it a monkey a priest, and a Jew?
there we are on the same buss home
I still don't say a word
out eyes meet as they have before
it really seems absurd
I want to open up the door
to my castle my home once more
I want to say "I am HOOOOME"
and hear love say "close the door"
I want to eat a meal
at a table set for more than one
so when I say grace I can see the face
of a person that loves me just for fun
I want to say "God, Thank You"
for another day
I didn’t say as single word
that might get in the way
I am tired of saying I am sorry
or I did not mean to say that
I am tired of making friend
only to leave them flat
I am tired because I want to cry
when I do things that are wrong
I am tired of just accepting my wrongness
as I turn up the volume on a song
am tired so I sleep
it is easier than facing the day
I am tired so I sleep
it is just my way
I am tired so I sleep
if I wake I just close my eyes
I am tired so I sleep
and pray I never wake
I will wake and the funny thing is
I will be tired.
If you are reading this
I have never lost a friend.
I have never lost a love.
I have never lost a dollar.
that I didn't think of.
I can't stop you from sleeping Rose
I know better than to try.
If you never read this
I will try not to cry
I will try.
If you read this you will know that
I am writing from the heart.
the journey is almost over
even though you chose not to start.
It will be rougher every day
this I will assure to you
that yesterday wasn't the last day
that you couldn't pull through.
I will try
No, tomorrow has its demons
and they are stronger than you think
You have walked throughout hell Rose
and in your strength you forgot to blink
Pictures are engraved
in your soul no one should endure
Dante could have used them You must.
Use them.
Find beauty. Find the pure.
I will try.
Rose I know that it seems we've no power
at times to even take another step.
and sometimes even to breathe
takes way too much pep.
but alas rose I am telling you there will be a moment
that you look back at a century gone by
and laugh loudly at satin and hell and earth from heaven.
after I draw my last breath
I will try.
I have proven a man can live alone
I am not really proud of that
I am an average face in the crowd
maybe a little fat
I don't have a friend to bury me
should I get hit by a truck
nobody will even know that I am gone
till my rent lady gets stuck
I need to love again somehow
I am certain that I can
after all I am average
I am a common man
I wish I could just remember
the words I need to find
to begin with I must ask for help
if you do not mind.
Thankyou for taking the time to read
all what I have to say
it shows that you care
that is rare in a very special way
I am in pain but I will survive,
but this probably already occurred to you
the human mind and body
is stronger than most of us ever knew
I will tell you about what is bothering me
if you promise not to laugh
because it is really quite insignificant
but not from my behalf
You see I am alone
When I was small I would go play
in the sandbox after lunch
and my friends would join me sooner or later
unless it was raining too much
as I grew up there the sandbox grew,
but the concept was the same
I mean sooner or later I could count
on someone to come and play
well here I am on the edge
it is where I want to be
I moved twelve hundred miles
to live on the Atlantic beach
sure AT&T reminds me
there is more than casual hellos
but I am lonely
and life is going wrong
My meds don’t work and I don’t have a job
and I hate the thoughts I think
I mean no body would even notice
if I swam east a while and then sink
Alas I have already picked
old age as my suicide of choice
I know my career is waiting for me
I can hear its little voice (just kidding)
and as for the fact that my sand box is too big
I don't know what to do
but maybe you know is there a pill?
maybe pink or maybe blue.
Once a gain thankyou for reading my words
I suppose I just needed to type
believe I usually don’t type this much
thankyou for letting me vent.
I'm feeling low
here by my self
I'm feeling low
like I'm on a shelf
I do suppose
its my fault I know
but that don't change the fact
I'm feeling low
there is Jesus
he is on my side
oh thank you Lord Jesus
for filling me with pride
you will be here tomorrow
this much I know
as you have been here today
when I am feeling low
there can be no good days
if there are to be no bad
all the days would be alike
and I don't think I'd want that
at the moment
I would like a bit of company
a tangible smile or even a tear
I am feeling alone you see
but I will cry till sun set
I will cry till late
my tears will dry I will sleep
as I medicate
mid morning at my place
I lie still and quiet
till I can no longer sleep
I look about and realize
I am feeling low
here all by my self
another damned day
on this tiled floored shelf
thank you Lord for hearing my prayers
but I'm gonna pray again
Lord, creator of heavens and earth
help me find a friend.
Rosie, fret not. I am not really feeling low, I just had this bitchin blues riff in my head( I think it belongs to Stevie Ray Vaughn), and then BB King himself started sinning, and then the next thing I know this poem was born, after only a few moments of labor.
The poem doesn't read very well, but I haven't written for a long time to anyone. if you have anything special for me to write about (no smut, I know that goes without saying) please suggest away.
I do hope this note does not find you ore leave you singing the blues, after all you are the friend I was asking for in the song.
Vic.
I’m gonna die and it sucks
there is nothing I can do
and to everyone sayin "Yes, there is"
I was once like you
standing on the outside
laughing at the grease paint smiles
hell bent on the notion
that breathing is worth while
what happened? I cant tell you
where my path just stopped
I suppose I looked around
I suppose my expectations droped
no longer am I waiting
for a friend by my side
no longer do I see the need
I can just go away
after all my life is mine
death happens all the time why not to me
for once I will walk in the sun
no grease paint on my face
I will frown tears may fall
for once I will sleep to escape
how I feel when I am awake
sleep oh precious sleep eternal
Istillpray
The Lord has answered
Every prayer I have ever inspired
true at times the answers
were not the ones that I desired
so sill I pray
I pray for a best friend
that knows when to be much more
I pray for a simple gal
that isn't drawn by gold’s allure
I pray for a hand to hold
so I won't feel alone
I pray for those conversations
the ones that really hit home
I pray for patience and understanding
in this ever so important quest
I am so demanding because
there is no such thing as second best.
it should hav been me
every day someone dies
people mourn their loss
and in almost every case
society has paid a cost
as I sit here typing
at tear falls
because of how I feel
nature calls
It should have been me
that is dead
and the valuable person
should get ahead
it should have been me
everyone knows
it is just a matter of time
before I go
It should have been me
I want to die
no one will even miss me
I will wear a disguise
it should have been
I deserve peace
burning in hell
would be a relief
it should have been me
I could have replaced a child
that would someday find a cure
for greed
I have no right to wish for death
it is selfish this I know
maybe I am worthless
but that is the way it goes
My tears are drying I am confused
but grateful for your time
especially thankful for a friendly place
to sit and post my rhyme
It should have been me this very night
that did something stupid and rash
but I didn’t that is what happened
maybe it is part of His plan.
just one more day
There was a day actually a night
that I decided to die
I knew that I would be happier
at least it was worth a try.
I took a 2 liter bottle
dissolved a bunch of stuff
anything I could find
that would kill me just enough
I succeeded I was dead
the monitors line was flat
my solution worked
how about that
for years I believed
I really was dead
when life is hell
it plays with your head.
Thank God you are alive
everyone would say
I hate that still
I hate it this day.
alas time passed, I healed
and I learned to smile
I even learned to dream
recently I have discovered
that dreams come true
if you have faith and you believe.
The solution ... the answer
the best angle to take
Lies not our perception
but rather the life we make
in our least significant prayers.
Your decisions are your own
to say death is not a choice
well that would be a lie,
One I cannot voice
but the way I see it
there will come a day
the door to life will close
why not fight just one more day
Life is good, that is not bad
at least it should not be
why is it that when I am smiling
I turn on the TV
Sure these are troubled times
with all that has transpired
but I will be damned if
I sit down and stay tired
I run in the sun
I play in the night
I laugh at the good jokes
I live my life
sure I look twice under my bed
and when I fall asleep
a few bad thoughts
creep into my head
But when I wake in the morning
and greet another day
all I can say
is
Life is good.
I remember sunlight
smiling as it set on my face
I remember puddle hopping
in the hard tropical rain
I remember smiling
I can't remember why
smiling was such a little thing
I didn't have to try
Now I live rather I survive
for the little things I search
I look every day really hard
I know how much they are worth
I don't have to tell you
how hard it is to try
to look for stupid little things
with a tear in my eye.
I stand tall when I explain to a person
that I am a few cards short of a deck
knowing full well they will never look upon me
the same but what the heck
I know of the stigma and the looks and the talk
that goes on behind my back
I refused to be labeled crazy
just because of a panic attack
my voice is only one
I know it is really not loud
I will be damned if I am put to shame
Just because I am proud!
I am sick. that is all
and till now there is no cure
Doctors guess at what will help
but no one knows for sure
I intend to talk
before it is too late
because if there is no language
how can we educate.
I mean really.
if the average Joe only knows the bad things about mental illness what is he to think? and lets face it most printed current events are bad.
my intent? oh yeha my intent, help shed a bit of light on darkness. I know I don't light too much, but hey maybe I might just light a fire.
Sorry to be so bold
and try to make a point
but Love is not finite
it cannot be controlled
passion lust and even greed
those all fade away
admiration, fascination and need
can be lost any given day
Love
in its purest form
Love
does not conform
Love
it just is
Love
fond in a kiss
Love
not found in words
Love
rather in how they are heard
Live is simple, much like a light
of the sunny day
hate, and illness can tend to blind
and seem to take love away
though it may seem that there is none left
fear not for it is just night
sooner than you think morning will come
and love will shine bright.
rays of sunlight through the leaves
of short fat little trees
butterflies seeming to float
almost taunting me
the warmth of the sunlight
on my skin as I take a casual stroll
chocolate, oh yes chocolate
in a cake that has ice cream in it roll
the sound of birds at sun set
heading for their home
the sun sets on Lake Erie
way beyond the foam
the night is coming slowly
darkness takes its place
and romance well, at least hormones
have a chance to race
I have always belonged to the night
every aspect is amplified
Seemingly short are the minutes
till another red sunrise
Sure these are memories of yesterday
happy one I keep of friends
but today I was happy
making memories once again
Though my song may be a sad one
when my days are through
there are verses that are fun
there are words that will ring true
and maybe everyone cannot see the sunset
as a work of art
but it is when the night begins
the darkness in my heart
and should someone ask, "Vic how can it be"
"that you never see the light"
"why can't you work a job"
"or even smile and be polite"
I never answer because you see
there is no answer that can satisfy
the curious minds of the just and right
that is why I never try.
maybe some day I will draw a picture
it will only take a thousand words
I can paint the night and stars no moon
some will say it is absurd
just like the moon has the right to hide the light
from the Mother Earth
I can show what I want to show
I decide what it is worth
I believe what I want to believe
until the pills bring me "down"
I believe what I want to believe
for as long as I am around
or till a pill takes me down
some day some one might look back and say
"I can't believe they did that" to vic
just like I find it hard to believe
leaches and how blood was let from the sick
maybe some day will be looked upon
as an asset and not a debt
for I can give to society
more than most will bet.
sure I can push a button
make a computer work
but 15 pills a day keep my secret
at times I feel like a jerk
maybe I need more pills
Some will argue without fault
that to try is better
than not at all
but at times it is the hardest thing to do
to take a chance
to dare romance
to swing at a possible curve
to climb a mountain
or walk in the fountain
to gather all our nerve.
all of lives journeys
start with a single step
I need not mention
risk will develop
every time I wake up in the morning,
I will not forget
to read the label on the tube
for Brylcreem taste like shit
and when I make my way to the kitchen
I go down the stairs with care
because marbles are fun to play with
as long as you know they are there
and then I make my breakfast
just cereal and toast
but when I take the bread out
well a fork makes my toast coast
then I go to work
we are building a chimney today
I make sure I know the rules
slow and steady wins the race
Now I need a shower
maybe not but I will take one in case
and just because the biggest bug in the world came out
I will not slip in haste.
and now I have to go to sleep.
DAMN I forgot my noon pill.
well I will take the rest of them
and sleep I know I will.
I made it through another day,
I wish I could have done better
but mistakes made on days gone by
helped this one stay together.
no I did not climb a mountain
but taken in hind sight
the steps I took living this SIMPLE day
I have climbed my mountain in my own right
some times we have to take a look at those things we do and take for granted. make coffee, or do laundry, or drive a car, or anything; because as we get healthier that list gets longer and longer. And sometimes we get down because we demand more of ourselves. It is frustrating. Sure it drives us to do better, but I find I get caught fixating on my self improvement, and not giving myself credit for achievements that I have earned.
Some may not know that I sit down to type as a form of therapy. I have no clue as to where the poem may take me. I let my instincts try to tell me what is happening with me. It seems a bit selfish to do so in this group. well this may not have been the most well written poem of my life, but it makes sense to me. I hope maybe someone else will read it an maybe it will make sense to them too
Morning comes I sleep
till way past after noon
I don’t care if evening finds me
it is all the same
I try to care
I really do
It is really all the same
I feel hunger but it is only pain
the sun sets I never notice
I eat it gives me something to do
I do the things I ought to do
like clean and bathe and watch TV
My meds oh yeha I would not want to forget those
the tiny chemicals that the pharmasudical gods created
they must be swallowed
I am not sleepy
but I will sleep
mourning comes once more
Today is the day many people
say "Dad I think you are great"
or maybe something like that
they will usually say
today is Father's Day
across the land
but I don't need a special day
to say that you are grand
In fact I ma living proof
that you are wise and good
the way I live the way I act
is thanks to you, it is understood
as a child you taught me well
as a teen you taught me right
as a man you showed me what it means
to fight the good fight
So on this special day set aside
I am really not sure what to do
all I can really think to say is - Thank You.
there are times I feel so bad
I feel as if I have no friends
and even though life is going well
I just want it all to end.
I mean sure I have enough money
and my family is always there
It just would be really nice
if love was not DNA compared
I mean My sisters and aunts and parents too
all know how special I am
when I get a chance to show my stripes
well my moods rewrite the program
Please don't get me wrong, I have people that care
most on the internet now.
These are the folks that keep the gun from my head
and keep air in my lungs somehow
Thankyou for reading the words in my head
thankyou for caring and supporting me to no end
thankyou I mean it I could very well be dead
if it were not for you -- my friends.
sometimes a miracle is just too much
for me to ever expect
I mean I pray, and worship and believe and all
but the sky remains dark gray
I ask for peace
I find war
I ask for love
I find a whore
I ask for food
I find rocks
I ask for shoes
I get socks.
I ask and ask and ask some more
and much to my avail
never do my words reach heaven
the sound just seems to trail
I have failed.
I want to die,
but that would be wrong
I have been told this time and again
by people that are happy and have many many friends
The doctors drive fancy cars,
and when I look around
all the time I hear "Don't jump"
from a "friend" that doesn't frown.
I know God is not a take out store
and understand when I say
The God that made my life this way doesn't care.
He is not there.
I pray
Pleas make today a day of patience
so that what is said is to me is clear.
Please make to day one filled with strength
so I can overcome my fear.
Please make today a day of justice
a day that is civilized.
Please make today focused
so on my judgement I can really
make today my day
make today bright
make today clear
make today light
If it is in your plan to bring pain to my day
I will accept it
if it is has to be there is rain in my day
I will accept it
if words I don’t like must be spoken that I have to hear
I will accept it
if when the sun falls nothing is clear
I will accept it
All I ask Lord is
Please make today.
please excuse the sarcasm, it is just that I am mad
a friend of mine said something and it made me sad
this friend well she believed that if given enough time
that her entire life would be put behind
her ways would be forgotten
her laugh would ring no more
She said everything she is right now
could be bought at a store
She could be found at a temp service
She could be bought right off the street
her services from those that love her
were mearly common charity
I stayed silent once to often
and her tears roll down my cheeks
every time I remember her
as she reaches out to me
I said nothing she is dead
those are the facts at hand
She will NEVER be replaced
I hope now she understands.
One day I woke up, and in the mirror
there was a person crying
Who he was was not clear
but I knew that he was dying
I screamed for someone else's help
and someone came quickly
but for some reason someone else
saw no one in the mirror but me.
I went to sleep
I woke up
I was in another room
and strangers seemed to know my name
I thought it strange
I am of legal age
and I don't remember a thing
about this wedding ring
I went to sleep
How do you plea?
the judge asked
waking me up from a pleasant dream
You are guilty he proclaimed
that he said to me
you are to serve life imprisonment
without so much as a key
I cried ,
I screamed ,
I begged ,
I screamed,
I had no clue
I screamed
of what to do
I screamed
I shut up
I realized that they mad a mistake
I was thrown out the back door
I ran like hell past then lake
to see the jail never more
I ran to my house
right to my bed
laid on the pillow
my tired head
I could not sleep
I only thought of my terrible sentence
and could never slept again
sure my eyes close from her to hence
but good dreams I only pretend
here I am time has passed, I am doing the best I can
I want my dreams back and I'll be damned
if I never sleep again
"I'll be damned", that is funny I am damned right now
I know there is hope it is true some how
there is my friend
for if I can never dream again
then the fire in my heart
will cease and no longer try to mend
if I can still find it in my heart
to make another comfy
then there will be a day that somebody
will bring comfort to me
I will sleep
Me desistí del gran secreto
Que nos permita talvez añadir
Cién letras más al alfabeto
Y tengo fe al predecir
Que alguna vez habrá palabras
Que expresarán lo que quiero decir
Y habrá una balada
Que cantará la ilusión
Que hay en mi
Que alguna vez tendremos alas
Para volar, volar y volar
Y al terminar cada jornada
En una estrella
Poder descansar
We are aware of the grand secret
That we might have even have to augment
No letters to really upon let alone an alphabet
Still I have faith when I say
Some day there will be the words
So that my intentions will somehow be heard
Someday there will be a ballad
that sings the illusion
that is me
Someday we will have wings
To fly, fly and fly
and at the end of journeying
upon a star
we will find rest.
What to do when someone cares
and really wants to help
but in the end they aggravate
by the advice they tell
I don’t want to be rude
I don’t want to explode
I don’t want to say "dude"
"shut up leave me alone"
I mean after all he is so proud
to be "helping" a fellow human being
what am I to say when
he hurts my feelings
He starts of with the usual
"I know how you feel"
HE HAS NO CLUE
about the way my world is
but that is as common as
"how are you today"
no one wants an answer
it is just something to say
by the end of all of five minutes
he has told me what my Problem is
and that life is so much more simple
from his perspective
Now I am inferior.
my thoughts are all skewed
he proceeds for some time
to explain his point of view
"He is a nice person"
I keep telling myself
"let him talk just don’t listen"
I keep telling myself
"sticks and stones can blah blah blah"
I keep telling myself
"he is gone now"
I keep telling myself
sticks and stones can brake my bones
but my bones heal
words and ignorance can hurt cause damage
I will always feel
there is no "dude" this is just how I feel about a few of my neighbors that have "caught" depression, but got over it and now want me to do the same.
I know I am not the man
That you expect me to be
my shining armor is made smoke and mirrors
my actions they mislead
When I look so passionately
into a glance from your eyes
I can see your frustration
I feel you screaming "why ?"
I cant defend my nature
I just know I act on faith
if I were to move too soon
that would be a mistake
I want to reveal you
uncover your real self
not the actress I know right know
but the you that lives in stealth
Maybe that is too much to ask
but there is where your passion lies
It is possible I am wrong
but I am not it is in your eyes
You see I have been investing time
in hopes you would come out and play
and walk on the beach and in my arms
you might know you are safe.
I have time and patience
I think both are well spent
and if I never get to know you
hey at least I have found a friend.
Tell me that I am beautiful
I really need to hear
words of praise about me
entering in my ear
I jump I dance I rhyme for you
and silence is all I hear
sure my eyes are ugly now
they are full of tears
I hate to even bother you
you are obviously better than me
but could you look in my direction
is there one good thing you see
I am sure there is something
that catches your knowledgeable eye
I could change I know I can
at least I could try
tell me I am beautiful
even if you must lie
words can cure my self esteem
I have no reason why
---
I am Gods creation damn it
I know I have worth
I did not walk of a photo shoot
but I have had His image from birth
Look closely here is your last chance
to verbalize what I already know
tell me I am beautiful --
too late here I go
I am beautiful
this is obvious to me
I may not be aesthetic
but there is more to see
I have a heart holding more than blood
twenty-four seven and three hundred-sixty-five
passion truth and love are commodities
no plastic surgeon can derive
Oh yeah I am beautiful
even in this light
a perfect "10" strutting my stuff
down the catwalk of life.
the hand that you were dealt
is the hand that you must play my friend
understand there is much more to the game
throw the cards in once in a while
it doesn't mean you are weak
by no means is it a sign of shame
The rules to the game?
I thought you understood
they are specific and they are not concise
no one really knows them
you know that cant be good
I learned to play by breaking them once or twice
You are a good person
that has a smart head
next round you will have all the chips
remember all us small time players
as you are saying "I remember when"
and smiling at the hand.
I was once told that people are allot like mirrors. Every mirror has imperfections, so as to reflect a bit differently. I have a feeling one of your mirrors is broken, or maybe warped, or maybe even turned to the sun so as to blind you, or maybe even turned around all together, so as to give the impression of total darkness. I do not know.
Just remember you are a mirror too, and just as fragile as the rest of us. Take care of you .
I have watched more TV
than I really think I should
the news is so incredible
and the coverage is pretty good
but I would like to make a distinction
that I have not herd yet made
death is the tragedy
not the mess that was made
Sure this goes without saying
I am not sure it is right
but I have spoken that were mad as hell
because they had to miss their flight
others regret the fact
they will never stand
atop a trade center tower
and see people look like ants
I even heard it on TV
that the buildings were attacked
I feel the people are the ones
we will never quite bring back.
Come one come all
the ride is about to leave
calling it a roller coaster would be a lie
the climb is pure anticipation
the can last for days
once at the top you can see for miles
The top the top that razor's edge
dance and jump
and pray it never ends
It ends.
there is no fall
there is no scream
there is no chance to raise your hands
the bottom of darkness
time stands still
there is cement in the hourglass sand
tomorrow, next week, next month, next year,
next minute will not come
sleep if you can
eat if you must
smile always smile for the cameras
watch for signs of light
and cry when no one can sense your fear
try not to laugh to hard
when asked "where does it hurt"
does it hurt?
is fear pain?
can loneliness inside be cured with an aspirin
is the fact that so many love me, and nobody really cares an oowwwwweeee?
sleep
rest
tomorrow is another day
tomorrow is another day
tomorrow is a day
tomorrow is day
tomorrow I
a ray of sunshine
climb for it
let instincts pull and push
energy
in your heart
start to fill your veins so much
faster and harder
eat sleep and pray
you see the first sunrise
The air feels fresh
the food tastes great
life is heaven for your eyes
at the razors edge.
The winds of change are coming
I have felt their touch before
and like a fool I hurried up
and closed each and every door
I closed every window
sat down and closed my eyes
I remained the same
change I would not try
now I am older
and in many ways I am the same
as for the world around me
I don't recognize at all that is a shame
the winds of change can be but warm breezes
on a bitter cold winter day
little by little they can melt the snow
and make it go away.
the winds of change can have the gale force
of a tornado or a hurricane
in an instant they can bring people together
by taking things away
do not fear the wind
do not fear the change
do not fear the challenge
do not fear the pain
wind is a natural force of movement
that can move the sands of time
and change is what elevates mere survival
to living a rich and full life
challenges make us stronger
only if they are accepted
and fear of pain can cause fear
of taking paths with hard times ahead
true the winds of change are coming
true they are already here
true they were here yesterday
true they were here last year
true that the winds of change
feed on the spirits they transform
I have reached a time in my life
I simply must weather the storm
What is the word or sentence or phrase
that can fully and properly explain
that death is an option not one I want to take
but none the less it is in my brain
"No!", I hear that is not true
"not when there is so much in your life."
"Suicide now it doesn't make sense,"
"how can you bare to say good-bye?"
there is no thinking I try to explain
but to no avail for I can't get through
I ask them to remember back to the day
that instincts were their golden rule
I ask if there is an impulse in their head
that wasn't processed but true
well I sometimes have the impulse to be dead
It is not what I want to do
I suppose it is a sickness,
maybe it is a gene
maybe it is just the devil
or God being mean
but by any account here I stand
breathing in and out
and death is an option
I sometimes think about
I really don't want to find the words
that can make anyone understand
why this particular course of action
has become mine to command
Because I might just be too good at it
and what good would it do
to have one more person on the Earth
that thinks of suicide too
The words I am looking for are simple
I know not exactly what they are
but they are all based on principle
deep in the instinct of who we are
There was a time I remember
that my life was going fine
some steps I took were wrong
but at least I knew they were mine.
Now I find myself at the gates of heaven
and my legs won't seem to move.
I am going through hell alone now
I don't know what to do.
I have lived and learned to be on my own
and I have cared for all around me
I have never been really alone
that is how it should be
Now I find that I need help
after my life is done
I have won every battle there is to fight
but the war has just begun
I have to learn to live again
I have to learn to cry.
There will be times I can't be a friend.
I know I have to try.
Oh, I can walk backwards with the greatest of ease
I can feel the flames at the door.
Or I can face this "friendship" disease
and learn to live once more
I must trust
I must believe
not only when I want to
I must love
that includes me
not only when I want to
most of all
I will pray
not only when I want to.
I sit here sweating pouring satisfaction
knowing I did what I could do.
earlier I tried to run a mile
once I would do it just for fun
I tried to run but there was pain
I could not pinpoint exactly where
looking back I am not positive
it was even ever there.
I got sad, because you see
my meds are causing my weight gain
and when I try to counter it.
all I get is pain.
I tried to reason that tomorrow
I will heal, and run I will
but that is like what I said yesterday
even longer back still
I started thinking, getting down
feeling the pounds add up knowing not what to do
then a little rage built up inside me
an my eyes turned red from blue
I am NOT going quietly into the good night
misquoted part of me from inside
unless something falls off I am going to fight
I will live life with pride.
so at 11:30 in the evening I started my run
I did not even look at my watch
and sure enough there was pain, not fun
but this pain I could describe to everyone
This was the pain of fear, and the unknown
the feeling that you are alone in your task
I was determine unless something fell off
I would wear my athlete’s mask
as I turned the first block and could see my goal
the one half mark in sight.
all of a sudden my instincts kicked in
I remembered how to do it right.
I never did like running I smiled to myself
the mask I was wearing went back on the shelf
because the pain has turned into a memory
replaced by resolve and aggression that will not melt
The next I remember I am tuning back
remembering techniques lost in my past
breathe in breathe in 1,2,3, breathe out 1,2,3
I can finally relax.
How fast did I run it, was it a record pace.
would I have been embarrassed if I were in a race
It was slow I know it, but the fact sill remains true
I kick my but to run now the mile is through
Not to make this longer, but I feel I should explain
this was not about running, it was about the pain
I am Catholic too and the I listen to the sermons
sometimes I get right out and leave
before I red your post I was wondering if I had lost Him
and suddenly I felt something in me
my helping hands acted automatically
I felt the need to speak
but the place that I am in right now
my words may be a bit weak
so use your imagination or your logic
if you must
All you really need to have
is trust
Trust that in the sunrise of tomorrow
God has placed a small portion of his glory
in the western horizon when the sun sets
God has placed a small portion of his glory
in the night moon and all the stars
God has placed a small portion of his glory
Oh there is glory left Lots and lots and lots
and it is not hard to see
it is in the souls
of you and me
sure there will be rain clouds
but the sun will still rise and set
there are clouds in our minds as well
but please never forget
weather we see it or not,
we are glorious.
Name: vic
Email: N/A
Subject: welcome weary stranger
Date: Aug 19, 1998 at
To those of you that read the words,
but feel you don't belong.
please feel free to speak your mind
and help us in our song
we sing the blues, we sing the Reds
we sing a little off key
the most important thing of all
is this is about you and me
the people here are friendly
all are very sincere
and some of us have a sense of humor
most some of us have tears
I know first hand that never before
have I ever known a "place"
that I could say "I don't care"
right to someone's face.
Here is a place that I can speak my mind
and at least someone will understand
Here we find the normal people
that can lend a helping hand.
and a smile:)
What if I do tell you all the things
you really don’t want to hear
would any of the facts change
would would life become less clear
What if I take advantage
of every weakness and strength I posses
would the facts change
would I live with more or less?
What if I do give you all the answers
to the tests that life has in store
would the fact change
would you end up with much more
what if I make a promise
I do not intend to keep
will the facts change
will I burn for eternity
What if I do nothing
more than sit right here and breathe
would the fact change
yes they would indeed
when I talk
when I take
when I give
when I make
I live
When I do noting
I exist.
I really wish I could take control
of my life that I am living
I am old enough to be self sufficient
and to society I should be giving
aw what the heck does complaining do
I will live until I die
I think I will just go back to sleep
and keep drawing SSDI.
When does it get better
I need the exact date
at least assurance that
I am not way too late
maybe it got better
when I was sound asleep
maybe I missed the call
this may be all for me
God may never smile
the way I want him to
wishes made on twilight stars
may never even come true
I am way beyond frustrated
but have not yet given up
ho much does life want to treat me
like the local dump
maybe giving up will help
maybe I should give that a try
just sit here in my bed
and cry
I saw the pictures on TV I still cannot believe
that terror can be quite so real
CNN showed time and again the sequence of events
I feel bad about the way I feel
Thousands of people died today all I can say is wow
I feel like I just saw a flick
As sure as am here today I feel those actors will walk away
it was just a smoke and mirrors trick
There couldn't have been anyone inside the missing piece
of the pentagon that protects the world
upon a New York on a sound stage the cameras produced
explosions that cause blood to curl
There were people there was no warning
I am scared
the tragic number of fatalities
is beyond compare
there are more that are
physically hurt
the world has changed today
we are more alert
I feel bad I want to cry
but all I can do as ask, why?
What I am looking for in a friend
a pulse would be nice
to have in a friend
an a smile yeha a smile
and a laugh that isn't pretend.
Female I think
I happen to like them more
call me old fashioned
call me a bore
but when dancing cheek to cheek
I just feel I am in trouble
when I feel the grit
of razor stubble
I like honesty
It is reality swell
but knowing when to lie
can save a bit of hell.
No I am not saying
I approve of bold face lies
but sometimes to keep the peace
fibs at times arise.
But I always tell the truth
never do I sway
(I like a person gullible too
really I'd rather a brain).
Oh I could go on and on
till both feet were in my mouth
it is a curse it is how I write
it is how my thoughts get out.
but I will be kind, at least I will find
if you care for me to say hello again
or maybe Dr. Seus is not your style
when it comes to friends.
It was told to me long ago
back when I was still in school.
that to write it is to reveal your soul
and take the comments -- bad and cruel
leave out one strand of your moral fiber
from what it is you say
hold back an ounce your convictions
and you're just sharpening the blade
for your words will cut right through
who you believe you are
and sleep will only get easier
once you accept from a far
that your pen is not longer a tool you use
to state the way you feel
but rather it is what you use
whenever you want a meal
for it is easy to white in the public eye
when you say what has been heard
and never contradict the golden rule
... uh, I mean the golden word.
"This is as he said,
"It is as it was
"He has a smart head.
"It is a great cause
"He was so right
"She was not wrong
"There is only darkness at night
"Everyone belongs.
As you minstrel to the public's ear
and get a feel of what to say
what the masses want to hear
the dollars you'll find some day
but to publish all that is in your heart, without regard to what may subside
may leave you dead and poor with only a writer's pride
How many heartbeats till I can laugh again
there must be a certain count
How many I want to know till I can cry
only when I know that I am crying about
There must be a certain number
I am sure it is extremely big
that can indicate how much more
how many heartbeats until I can finally live
I am keeping count inside my head
because I know some day some how
I will find out the magical number
I will continue to count
When that last beat comes flowing through my veins
I will jump and dance and sing
for I will have all I want
every last imaginable dream
But what if that heartbeat never comes
I mean there is "another" numbered too
maybe I should try to find
an "alternate route"
A path that is set for only me
that takes me where I must go
It may mean breaking from the ordinary
aside from the straight and narrow
Maybe I might do more than just wait
for that med to cure my will
for it will only take longer
and longer if I only stand still.
I said all that to a person, years ago
as he looked at me from a mirror.
Maybe tomorrow will finally be the day
the answer will become clear.
how many heartbeats will it take?
I write my poems once in a while
sometimes I get one right
if I am lucky I will get a smile
for a not so badly written line
I can always pull a tear
from a concerned and gullible eye
just by writing a line of fear
I don't even have to try
I suppose I can juggle base emotions
that is what poems do
by giving or implying simple notions
the words make the feelings true
Death and dying is so so sad
this is known to everyone
but when I write of the glory it has
a different experience it does become
and sixteen candles oh what joy
at least it usually is
unless there is the monologue
of missing that first kiss.
yes emotions are what the poems are about
not just words and rhyming
I mean "Sam I am" is just a phrase
but green eggs, "yuck" they sound slimey
Flor,
I did tell you I am a poet, but left out the reason why.
I write to understand who I am and what I feel.
what is faith?
I have been faced with this question.
far too many times
and I pray for clear direction
as I type this rhyme
When I was young I understood
that faith took no more that belief
the years have proven faith to be more
that just what I conceive
I mean I can say I have faith in you,
but that is somewhat tame
Kinda like saying I love Chocolate
when love you are trying to explain
The faith I speak of and wish to understand
if only in my limited way
is the faith in my Lord's merciful hand
The faith I have today.
I like to sleep, as some who know me are aware
And in sleep I find an example of true faith
for while twelve were fearing death by storm
Jesus slept his peace with God was made
He was startled to see the look of fear
in the faces he had known
I am sure they believed strongly
I am sure that day their faith did grow
You see faith needs all of a person
the mind the soul, the spirit.
and when there is faith inside me
I can almost hear it
It is as if I can walk the path
and know that I am walking right
even if the darkness that surrounds me
is of a cloudy moonless night
Faith makes me confident
not that I can or I will
I just know the I am
and that is such a thrill
I pray to Jesus constantly
I make my life a prayer
for once when I was smaller
I prayed for one more breath of air
And soon I prayed
for one more breath every time I breath
well it became very simple
to listen when the Lord talks to me
I must make clear I am the product
of many people's constant prayers,
most of which were for my health
when I needed care
What about the topic
at hand here and now
Faith is what I am here to describe
Faith is what this is about
Prayer is essential
to the faith in me
from the casual conversation
to when I fall to my knees.
The more faith is in me
the clearer it becomes
danger is not necessarily evil
and evil will be overcome
I do not hold a claim wisdom,
and knowledge is not my goal
so maybe I am wrong in what I see
maybe I am a fool
but when I sleep, I sleep well knowing
God is in control.
Believe it or not I was bugged that I could not even take a shot in the dark when asked what faith is. it has been a long time since anyone challenged me to think it feels good thanks. I have never had a pen pal, but would really like to correspond by mail. I am curious to read what you have to say about faith. If not, I am patient, we'll "talk" when you get back on-line; if you so desire. God willing I will see you at the picnic later this month, along with all the other smiling faces
Does everyone always smile that much in Canada? or is it just me?
Bye for now,
Vic
Once in a while, there comes along
someone you can count on to be there
at times it seems that he alone
is the answer to your prayers
Still again there is the one
that can never do you wrong
and then there is that person
that loves all your favorite songs
But I tell you girl take them in stride
their names will come and go
to make it in the halls of friendship
you have to have only one thing to know
there is only one side to him
That is not the one that the mirror shows
that is not the one that everyone knows
that is not the one that is jolly and fun
that is not the one that can handle a gun
that is not the one that can make the pope cry
that is not the one that will always try
that is not the one that will hold your chair
that is not the one that notices you are there
friendship is built like a very fine mirror
every time you meet you grow nearer and nearer
and soon the friend will appear to you
as someone you know through and through
My friends are like an antique mirror
that has imperfections century old.
and every day I have to take on faith
that our friendship will continue to unfold.
Hello :)
I was to leave this blank
that was to be the effect.
but then I may never ever get this chance
to vie for a touch of respect.
I am not a bad person as people go,
still I have to admit
I would be the lucky one should you and I
go walking down the street
Oh I can be handsome,
I am sure you are a babe
and with can ooze out of our pores
But I fell there would be a presence
an aoura if you will
and you will the one to be adored.
How do I how this
how can I know
to be honest I don't
but I had to say more than
hello.
vic
If
I have never lost a friend.
I have never lost a love.
I have never lost a dollar.
that I didn't think of.
I can't stop you from sleeping Rose
I know better than to try.
If you never read this
I will try not to cry
I will try.
But If you read this you will know that
I am writing from the heart.
and the journey is almost over
even you chose not to start.
It will be rougher every day
and this I will assure to you
that yesterday wasn't the last
day that you couldn't pull through.
I will try
No, tomorrow has its demons
and they are stronger than you think
You have walked throughout hell Rose
and in your strength you forgot to blink
Pictures are engraved in your soul no man should endure
Dante could have used them
You must. Use them. Find beauty. Find the pure.
I will try.
Rose I know that it seems we've no power
at times to even take another step.
and sometimes even to breathe
takes too much pep.
but alas rose I am telling you there will be a moment
that you look back at a century gone by
and laugh loudly at satin and hell and earth from heaven.
after I draw my last breath I will try.
Impress her I must,
I know that I can
I must show her
that I am more than a man.
Rise to every occasion
Fall at her whim
praise her beauty
from head to limb.
But did I not say
Just a few short years ago
as I saw big brother
as he was putting on a show.
It was clear to see with every move
that the maiden was looking for him
and obviously he had not a clue
a he turned the lights down dim
And when I grow up,
I will never surrender
to the forces of evil
my body puts me under
I am me! Only me.
that is who I am.
not at a fish in a stream
showing off my dance.
I am kind , I am generous
I am funny so I am told
but most of all
My heart is not he least cold.
Any smart female will see this at once
and jump at the chance if the catch.
that is what I said back when I was young.
oh the bliss of those days.
I have said it time and again but this time is different I suppose.
my mood swings are happening now is my chance to live life and just let go.
To bad I am " disabled"
to bad I am "over weight"
To bad I am "Bipolar"
to bad I am not straight.
To bad I don't have all my senses
and it is a shame I can't think
To bad I am not "normal"
If I rise I will just sink.
Well I find it hard to label
a bird that fell out of the tree.
I mean chick is probably destine
to be a cats entrée'
the only thing that happened
in most cases you will find
is that there was a eager young foul
that really wanted to fly.
Thanx to its high-strung spirit
the little bird must lie in the grass
not knowing just when which
peep will be its last.
So he sits there still and quiet,
even when Mom has a relay neat worm
he worries of danger all around him
even when there is no harm
He wakes up from sleep wanting to scream
when he realizes the flashback was just a dream
soon he weighs less than he should
so flight is not easy -- that's no good
And finally comes the day he can fly.
It is the day he must fly.
Then nature, time and instincts take
their course, and soon the skies are graced with a
hawk that once lived like a mouse.
There are times that I remember well
that my world was a living breathing hell
never did I have a prayer
the worst part was that I did not care.
well day by day those that believed
that I could be more than constant grief
prayed prayers sincere, from the heart
and little by little the healing did start.
when I say little I mean little
the healing is going slow,
but for some time now
I know the way to go.
I can look in the mirror
and in my eyes
the ere is a Loooooong tunnel
and at the end I see light
the light is the part I once used to use
to fight when I was down and confused.
and it is getting closer, and bigger, and bright
now I remember how to fight.
when the winds are blowing and the rain really hurts
and there is no place to hide,
that is when I push and do my best to stand straight
Knowing I will not die.
I have pride,
and many times the softest winds have knocked me down
and times I did not want to get up
but the fire inside me soon overcomes
all that bad icky stuff.
today I ran past the three mile mark
and that was a personal victory
I say this not to brag, well yes I do
I am sorry, but you see.
Never in my wildest dreams
did I ever conceive
that maybe just maybe
I could ever compete.
again
I am not running to be skinny or strong
I run because I believed all along
that God had taken my talents away
I see he was just storing them for another day
I know I can't be the only one to feel the sting
of a passionate heart that dying to sing
again
I hate to run is the bottom line.
but if I can do it then VICTORY is mine.
because I could do it before
when I was sane and in line
why tell you this I am sure you may ask
am I rubbing it in because I can?
no my friends I am not quite that cold
there is actually a sense of challenge in this poem
I know it is hard to push fear aside.
and try to come back after being pushed aside,
maybe at time it may seem so unfair.
but we are strong all of us the proof is
-- we are here
What is the challenge, what do I dare,
well that is up to you what ever is fair.
that is right you read it I said fair
maybe
see the outside once a day
make a cake or delicious soufflé'
once every day go for a walk
once every month give junior a talk
ride that bike hanging in the garage
start painting again, using the brush.
try to remember one thing from your past
that used to make the good times last.
and if you have not recent recollection
of things that once were fun.
the you my friend have a double challenge
if you choose to just find one,
I can't tell you how to go about
finding the dream of your own
but I do know this life is hard without
a vision to call your own
I know I have typed more than usual
and maybe it makes no sense
it is just my opinion, and I stand by my words
this is just my 2 cents.
Me desistí del gran secreto
Que nos permita talvez añadir
Cién letras más al alfabeto
Y tengo fe al predecir
Que alguna vez habrá palabras
Que expresarán lo que quiero decir
Y habrá una balada
Que cantará la ilusión
Que hay en mi
Que alguna vez tendremos alas
Para volar, volar y volar
Y al terminar cada jornada
En una estrella
Poder descansar
You have told of the grand seacret
You might have permited us to aument
Without leters let alone an alpheebt
Still I have faith in what I say
Some day there will be te words
That express what I have to say
Someday there will be a ballad
that sings the illusion
that is me
Sometime we will have wings
To fly, and fly and fly
and at the end of every days journy
upon a star
we will find rest
We are aware of the grand secret
That we might have even have to augment
No leters to realy upon let alone an alphebet
Still I have faith when I say
Some day there will be the words
So that my intentions will be heard
Someday there will be a ballad
that sings the illusion
that is me
Sometime we will have wings
To fly, fly and fly
and at the end of journying
upon a star
we will find rest.
it is cold, the sky is gray
soon spring will be on its way
the plants will grow
the words will sing
telling of the sun
summer will bring
cook outs, fireworks, and longer days
bricklayers making better pay
for now just sit and bide some time
enjoy the sunshine in your mind
Spring is when the mountains cry
for part of it is melting away
Tear by tear, inch by inch
a river begins to live again
life is removed from the mountain
as erosion takes its toll
but the tears are tears of joy
as the river looses control.
Every year the mountain has been patient,
the mountain is patient still
for each year nature shows
there is beauty in that there hill.
The flow it is raging
with caps of white and all.
Mother nature is carefully staging
the beauty of a water fall.
The edge of the mountain is cut just so
and this I know for certain
that no fabric known to man
will make a more elegant curtain.
The illusion is awesome from a distance
but as my boat gets near
The shear magnitude of the motion involved
causes excitement and raw fear.
Still I have to know
what it fells like on the other side
as I steer the craft with nerves of steel
it is a matter of pride.
WOW what a sight I have to remember
next time I come see this
to bring her along
it is perfect for a kiss.
I am sure they were here all along
and I was just too nervous to note.
Rainbows bright as any I have seen
all around my boat.
I feel as though I am Noah
and this would be my arc
and God himself is speaking to me
in the colors as bright as they are.
As I float away I am somewhat sad
I am leaving such majestic glory behind
the farther I go I know I will survive
thanks to the waterfall in my mind.
Name: vic
Email: N/A
Subject: The solution
Date: Feb 08, 1999
at
There was a day actually a night
that I decided to die
I knew that I would be happier
at least it was worth a try.
I took a 2 liter bottle
dissolved a bunch of stuff
anything I could find
that would kill me just enough
I succeeded I was dead
the monitors line was flat
my solution worked
how about that
for years I believed
I really was dead
when life is hell
it plays with your head.
Thank God you are alive
everyone would say
I hate that still
I hate it this day.
alas time passed, I healed
and I learned to smile
I even learned to dream
recently I have discovered
that dreams come true
if you have faith and you believe.
The solution ... the answer
the best angle to take
Lies not our perception
but rather the life we make
in our least significant prayers.
Your decisions are your own
to say death is not a choice
well that would be a lie,
One I cannot voice
but the way I see it
there will come a day
the door to life will close
why not fight just one more day
Over here to your left
you will plainly see
God's mistake
that would be me
framed in indecision
unique and not quite right
lacking the will
to fight
notice the texture
the brush stokes are all wrong
his point of view is skewed
his stubbornness is very strong
Standing next to David
by Michael Angelo
his flaws almost laughable
any one would know
I shine like a star at night
David only glows
my eyes are proof of life
my windows to my soul
I can think of laughter
and I can think of pain
I can comfort a friend
I can be comforted again
I have God inside me
David well he does not
I love and I am loved
That really means allot
Angelo carved the perfect man
front stone he chiseled away
I sand before you a masterpiece
my imperfections make me that way.
Somewhere in the dark of night
there shines the brightest star
really really really bright
and really really far
Once this star was very faint
not much to see at all
less than a tiny drop of pain
the star was oh so small
Every night the star would wish
someday that it would be so
to shine brighter than the night before
the star wanted to grow
So, the little star ate every thing
that was on its plate
soon other stars were noticing
how the little star radiates
The star grew bigger and brighter
each and every passing night
and stronger and faster
the star soon took to flight
While other stars were falling
because they were so tired
the little star grew brighter
flying higher and higher
The star loved to play allot
dance and jump and sing
and when the star got way too hot
the star enjoyed resting
now . . .
Helping is what the brightest star
really likes to do
twinkling way up in the sky
all the long night through
Twinkle twinkle way up high
guiding ships across the sea
on the dark and starry nights
is where the brightest star will be
So when the sun has gone to sleep
after a long and busy day
take a look you might see
the brightest star so far away.
The End.
Creation is so simple
all you have to do
is simply apply talents
that have been afforded you
a sculptor sees a statue
in a hunk of rock
a chef conjures up tasty treats
with whatever he has got
a gardener turns an empty land
into a garden so serene
an artist approaches canvas
with visions yet unseen
a poet can write a poem
simply just because
a priest can write a sermon
worthy of applause
even an accountant
can create a tax return
teachers can create
so kids can learn
the list is endless
there is no doubt
that is what the
whole world is all about
creation is so simple
there is one link for what it is worth
every one that can create
can thank their mom for birth.
Theresa,
(Another Ships Passing Poem)
not so long ago, not as long as one would think
men would sail the waters alone
ships would traverse the seas for long periods of time
men would have only memories of home
once in a great while, I would imagine
a ship would be spotted from crows nest
even the least faithful on board either vessel
would pray no harm would be met
for a flag is only colors on a cloth
many times it did so deceive
pirates were a fact of life
an unfortunate reality
once it was clear to the captains
friends not foe were floating near
the celebration must have been clamorous
joyous and sincere
I am certain there were conversations
and ale to be had
alas too soon the ships would continue
on their previous path
sure the ships would sail
on their predetermined course
but thanks to their encounter
their spirit would be restored
So it was I imagine
a long long time ago
I suppose I could be wrong
but I really do not think so
a long few weeks have passed
our sails, and courses are set
to be honest in the years to come
much you have told me I probably will forget
but as I look at the stars at night
largely thanks to you
I will rest assured fighting the good fight
is what I want to do.
I wasn’t satisfied with what I said
as to why I write this way
let me just take a sec and understand
to try to set the record straight
when I rhyme the words just flow
as if blood from my soul
I don’t have any choices
I have no control
the words are not what I want to say
the words are not organized in a special way
the words are not refined
the words are not in my mind
the words just flow
(I would have deleted the top part)
Poetic Refraction
I was told a long time ago
everyone has a rainbow inside
they are sometimes hard to see
because of vanity and pride
I must admit I am quite proud
and my rainbow is buried kinda deep
but when I write my poetry
it is my rainbow that you see
Vic.
I remember why I started town the road I am on
I wasn’t angry
I wasn’t depressed
I wasn’t feeling down
I just wanted to move on
I wanted to see what would happen
I knew that there was more to life
than the life that I was living
I thought that I was being fair
that the fates would be forgiving
I looked at my options
one at a time
long and hard
I did
every one took too much work
I just wanted to seize to live
then in a moment of enlightenment
I realized all I had to do
nothing
I would eat when I was hungry
I would sleep when I was tired
I was tired
I would bathe if I was dirty
my plan was so inspired
no more pills I reasoned
soon my condition would be such
that suicide will be so welcome
once I get our of touch
that was a thought that passed my mind
for a moment but not too long
because for a day or two
there was nothing wrong
I felt finer than I ever had
in a looooon long time
I knew that I was manic
but I did not seem to mind
I knew the crash was coming
I fear it is still to come
I know that I will soon find
that feeling is just too much
still I had a little hope
that dangerous water of the soul
I prayed so hard every conscious minute
that I was in control
I know my prayers were answered
because here I sit right now
at the cross roads of hell and earth
I decide where to go and how
I can drive my car to the doors
that will lead me back to where I was
or I can drive till I run out of gas
in more ways than one I suppose
live one minute at a time
is all that I can try
I am confident that I will revert
to my first real attempt of suicide
You see I set a plan in motion
long before today
I made a promise to myself
that I really don’t want to break
I reasoned that eternity
is a really really long time
and no one can say with certainty
what I am going to find
I will not go easy into that good night
I will fight and rage
I will die soon enough
hopefully of old age
okay technically that is not suicide
it is just the opposite I suppose
but I made a promise I will try to keep
and that’s the way it goes.
11/12/03 10:46:46 AM
I stopped taking my meds 8 days ago.
I don’t know why
I do not feel like apologizing. I do honestly feel it was due to several factors:
* the Ambilify had an effect of making me feel suicidal at night. I went to see the doc about this but it is only in hind sight that I can realize that the reason she didn’t see anything wrong is because the med was actually working. When I went to see her I was feeling normal. he funny thing about my suicidal thoughts was that it was more of a feeling than a conscious thought. so when the feeling was gone I had no reason to despair
or eve think about feeling bad. It is kinda like a every time I take my car to the mechanic complaining about that little wakka wakka noise it was making when I made the appointment to see him. well when I got in the garage there was no wakka wakka noise. He is a very competent mechanic
as my doctor is very competent too (as a doctor); but try as he did he could not recreate the noise or find out what was wrong. It turns out I need a new timing belt on my car because 20
000 miles later every time it rains I hear “wakka wakka” . One of theses days I am going to look into that.
* I need to have someone to talk to. someone that isn’t living with me that I can use as a soundboard. possibly a consoler
or something. I need the help of a trained professionals to guide me thru some of my life choices. I was seeing a consoler
but he kept asking me “what do you expect me to do?” I kept telling him all kinds of crap like -- help me find work
or find out how I am lacking as a person
or help me enlarge my social circle
but the truth was I don’t need someone that has an agenda in fixing me
but rather someone that is willing to listen to what is happening in my life and professionally talk to me about what it is they think.
* I need a social group. My family loves me I know that but there is a certain aspect of support they cannot provide. from a mental health aspect I need to be able to just relax and be around friends. I could probably write a book on this point from other angles.
I am really too tired and messed up to think. I do want to leave myself a note to look into possible solutions to these points I have mentioned because I know I will not be so motivated once I start my meds again.
I did start an exercise regime and I think it is good. I trying to work out every day
at least 10-20 minutes. I think I should stay on that.
Mistakes
I want to cry I want to scream
I can't believe I let myself dream
not once did I even think to prepare
for the feeling of despair
that is failure
there was pride and vanity in my face
this blow really put me in my place
I had a bad day
that is all I can say
that is all it was
I stumbled on my way to the top
I fell and I stayed down
instead of getting up
I have worked so hard to become
the person I am now
I have fallen in the past
I have gotten up somehow
the choice is mime to get up tomorrow
and meet the challenge of the day
or in my self pity
let time and opportunity slip away
it isnt as easy as it my seem
I am bruised and I want to heal
but that is not my style
I am Victor an that is how I feel
I can cry later if I so desire
when there is something to cry about
what good is this bit of wounded pride
that I can do without
I have faith that God has a plan
for every breath I take
I pray that I have the faith to be strong
and learn from my mistakes
I was to be a millionaire
and mary a beautiful wife
kids
I would have at least two
that was to be my life
I was to write the greatest poem
this world has ever read
at least be published
just one book before I was dead
I was to have a good job
one that pays he bills
and lets me fly to see the ocean
just for the thrill
I was to write a song or two
in my spare time for fun
and take pleasure in the spotlight
as they soar to number one
I was to have a great big house
with a seven car garage
the dinner parties I would host
would never be very large
I was to have a bank account
that I wouldn’t even understand
and an accountant I could trust
to make sure there was cash on hand
I was to live a life so great
and never even cry
I see now “I was”
was just a lie.
I am Vic
I am new here
I think better when I rhyme
it is not that I am casual
it is my expressive side
I was diagnosed Bipolar
October 26
1991
that was the day I first went manic
and life as I now know it begun
I was lucky to respond
to lithium right of the bat
it didnt take me months or years
to find out what I had
Bipolar I a textbook case
they said I would never work again
I have yet to prove the doctors wrong
but I will in the end
I was a rapid cycler
and it took me years to understand
that alcohol and medicine
dont go hand in hand
I spent 2 months in a psych ward
in 1994
I got allot of education
I received so much more
finally I saw a doctor
that didnt see me as a text book case
I was a person to her
she saw the pain in my face
She talked to me and listened
and got me on some meds
that to this day I take
each night when I go to bed
I have been a snow bird
for oh about seven years
never holding a job too long
because of my manic tears
This past year I have settled down
in Cleveland for a while
I want to make a friend or two
I want to live n style
I have my own problems
loneliness and depression at times
but I also have a family that loves me
they keep me doing fine
well
I have typed your ear off
I am sure we will talk again soon
I just wanted to say "HI-HO"
and that I wold love to hear from you.
Vic.
many times I walk alone
even in among friends
wearing a finely crafted mask
I dare to pretend
I tell myself that no one can see
the horror in my eyes
I tell myself again
I know I lie
I can hear the whispers
I when my back is turned
I can feel the wind of change
fuel the torches that burns
the dance just seemed to happen
I did not write the song
life knocked me down a notch
but not for long.
slowly the sun is fading
the mask that I have made
time and time again
I have found no shade
In the Son’s light I can see
that I am not so bad
God made me in his image
that helps me when I am sad
now whenever I hear a whisper
I turn around and see
others are just talking
not even about me
the winds of change blow strongly
but they always have
the best thing I can do
is laugh
for what did I suffer
for what was so wrong
for what made me so weak
when I was so strong
for shame.
another weekend will soon be here
officially at five
time to relax
time to unwind
time to be alive
maybe I will do nothing at all
that sounds kinda nice
if I like doing nothing one day
I may just do it twice
maybe I will catch a matinee
there are some movies I want to see
maybe I will just buy a pizza
and rent a DVD
maybe I will do some laundry
I suppose I really should
my closet is quite empty
yes
laundry would be good
maybe I will see the game
at a local sports bar
win or lose I will have fun
that is how Browns fans are
Friday night
Saturday
and Sunday
What am I to do?
I can’t wait to find out
how about you?
to be invisible
in plain light
to be darkness
in the night
to live
to only exist
to love
without a kiss
to work each day
eight to five
a paycheck proves
I am alive
taxes are paid
each week I am told
week by week
I get old
someday I will look back
someday I will see
the lack of vision I have
the missed opportunities
today I sleep till it is night
then I sleep some more
when I wake I go to work
just like the day before
not for money
not for fame
just for something to do
what a shame
What to do
What to do
when I was young I was told
by a man of wealth and means
that to be successful and happy
I had to stop wearing jeans
I had to grow up
I had to fly right
I had to make money
every day
every night
My Father told me it wasn’t so.
models and movie stars
told me the secret to success
was to work on your looks
and spend money on your dress
I had to stop eating
I had to work out each day
I had to turn the man in the mirror
into a Greek god of clay
My Father told me it wasn’t so.
eat laugh and be merry
for tomorrow there may be none
that was bliss for me
existing to have fun
I had to feel good
I had to eat
I had to consume
to be complete
My Father told me it wasn’t so.
there she was
standing in my head
happiness was life with her
without her I was dead
I had to have her
I had to dream her
I had to think her
she was perfect
My Father told me it wasn’t so.
One day I was infuriated
because I was right
determine to win
I was going to fight
I had to fight
I had to kill
I had to enforce
my stubborn will
My Father told me it wasn’t so.
to die and pay taxes
was all I had to do
after all nothing ever changes
into what I want it to
I had to do nothing
I had everything I need
I has only to exist
like a naturally planted seed.
My Father told me it wasn’t so.
Gates had so much money
Britny looks so fine
Banderas has all the ladies
their lot in life is so much better than mine
I had to be better than him
I had to have his dream
I had to have the latest and greatest
that is the way it seemed
My Father told me it wasn’t so.
My Father is in heaven
His name is holy indeed
He delivers me from evil
He gives me all I need
He is patient and forgiving
He as taught me to be the same
He is in control of what
I should do today.
this particular moment
is not the best time in my life
I am unemployed
living with my folks
at 36 that cuts like a knife
I don’t exactly fit the image
of a model on TV
I guess I should just get over it
I am fat and I will always be
I cant seem to get motivated
to find a job
to lose some weight
I try
I think of my failed attempts
and I don’t feel so great
My friend this is the moment
the instant I will point to
some day in the future
that I started saying “I DO”
I will say “I CAN”
I will say “I WILL”
I will say “I AM WORTH IT”
I am tired of feeling tired
I am tired of feeling pain
and I know that some days
all I will want to do is complain
I am bipolar it is true
that means I can get away
with doing hardly nothing
each and every day
but I am also ME
I know that a positive thought
can get me out of bed
as good as any med that I bought
at this particular moment
I feel the fire of hope burn
and tomorrow I start living
because it is MY TURN.
when you look out your window
at another beautiful spring day
wishing you could just get up
and go outside to play
try to remember the trials
try to remember the pains
try to remember the troubles
when you were only eight
Life was oh so unfair
nobody listened to you
no one seemed to care
about your point of view
sitting in a desk
the spring day is so inviting
what was so important
about reading and writing
Now you sit behind a desk
when the day is so nice
I suppose that growing up
does come with a price
oh but what a bargain:
two great children
their love and respect
friends that say kind words of you
and a schedule that’s a mess
(I would love a messy schedule)
A job albeit a hard one
that brings home food and more
a fighting spirit
and your sense of humor
you have your looks and fashion sense
your wit and sarcastic mind
I could type forever
but I do have a point to find
Oh yeha I remember
the window and the great day outside
and helping you feel better
that to that desk you are tied
I cant change the fact
that you yearn to run and play
I only hope some sunlight
shines on your blessings today
another sunrise
starts another day
more energy pulses
thru my tired veins
I get out of bed
as I did the day before
knowing the sleep I need
is not what is in store
I have to laugh
I have to pretend all is right
knowing that I survived
yet another sleepless night
I hear people talk
it makes no sense
when I walk
I am on a fence
when I breath it hurts
my muscles remain ever tense
I look okay
under false pretense
the sun sets
evening starts
energy surges
thru my tired heart
I envy the day
that has just gone by
I envy the fact
that the day did die
I want to sleep
I need to sleep
I want to stop breathing
it hurts
my muscles ever tense
I want to feel nothing
1:30 in the morning
I type a stupid poem
energy fills my head
I think my hair needs to be combed
I have taken all my meds
and drank my herbal tea
meditated to soft music
after doing Tai Chi
earlier today I did exercise
so that I would get tired
and my muscles feel the pain
I am wired for the moment
it is hard to explain
I want to sleep
I will sleep
I sleep
eventually
I am tired.
I have to wear so many clothes
just to go outside
winter seems such a bummer
looking thru my eyes
soon the snow starts falling
and then my cousin comes to play
we make the bestest snowman
on a sunny winters day
I can hear her laughter
on the crystals of her breath
as she hits me with a snowball
my clothes are all soaking wet
suddenly I am seeing winter
from a different point of view
the cold can be invigorating
depending what I do
the hot coco tastes so good
with little marshmallows and all
I forgot all about
summer
spring
and fall
it took a little child
to teach me this lesson but good
it is not the day on the calendar
that dictates my mood.
Vic
I want to write about the times
that are not really so bad
the moments that life is good
and I am not feeling sad
but for some unspoken reason
those ideas never seem to sell
ordinary life is ordinary
there is nothing much to tell
to wake up in the morning
tired from a long peaceful sleep
wanting 9 more minutes
then into the bathroom I creep
I wash my face I brush my teeth
I get dressed and eat breakfast too
late for work I rush into my car
only to get caught up in the morning slew
I make it to work in time
and before I know it is time for lunch
I eat a fast food burger
I know I shouldn’t do that too much
I stare at the clock I swear it is stuck
on ten minutes until five
tired from the days activities
I enjoy my afternoon drive
I cook myself some dinner
healthy as I can
catch the evening news
it is going to be sunshiny/rainy/ cloudy again
I get my stuff together
and make it to the gym
sweat for a half hour
I’m trying to get thin
My favorite television show is on
at 9 o’clock on the television set
I race home to catch it
in my Lazyboy I sit
I go outside to admire the stars
it is time for bed
today was a good day
I just thought this had to be said.
it seems like a long long time ago
I was having a realy really hard time
I didn’t think I had anything that mattered
I thought I could have been sold for a dime
now I am not sure what has changed
I feel better I feel good
I feel like I am worth soooo much
I think that is just understood
my days are full
at night I sleep
rarely do I stop
and think I want to weep
I would be lying if I said
that my life was perfect as could be
I still am a bit of a loner
I guess that is just me
I would rather have
no friends at all
than just a bunch of names in a phone book
that I never call
I am not lonely though
not most of the time
I suppose that is the way
I was made by the one divine
all in all I am okay
I like the way life is going
I liked the things I did today
all in all my life is flowing
well I just erased a long pity party that I a sure would have been appropriate to post
but in retrospect
I am doing okay. I am not particularly depressed at the moment
and I have shelter in my parents house at the moment. I have the desire to lose the weight that I blame all my social problems on. I know there are millions that are looking for work right now
like me. I have things under control
and everything is really okay enough
but there is a HUGE part of me that is screaming in tears because I want more.
Thanks for listening
Vic
I am lucky to be alive
able to survive
but life is so much more
than hat I have
I want to do more than cry
I want to laugh
I want to do more than complain
I want to sing
I want to do more than feel pain
I want to dance
I want to do more than sleep all day
I want to play
I want to see more people
I want to talk
I want to see more people
I want to listen
I want to do more by the end of the day
I want to have a say
to laugh
to sing
to dance
to play
to talk
to listen
to have something to say
that is all I want.
Back Again
I have been here before
for my good mood wont last
I prepare for tomorrow carefully
tomorrow will go by so fast
I will try to clean the mess
I have made of my life
I one step at a time
I will take care of past strife
I will call an old friend
we will talk for some time
I will dance in the evening
till the morning chimes
tomorrow is a blessing
I know that is true
I have so many things
that I want to do
because I cannot be certain
when the dark moods will come
. . . the dark moods will come
I cannot waste energy
thinking about
the things I now have
I will soon have to do without
I must remain focused
I must remain clear
for the moment I am happy
I must not introduce fear
if after tomorrow
I am still feeling glad
oh the thing I can accomplish
that wont be so bad
thank you for listening
I do hope that you are glad
that a moment of sunshine
is now being had
if I could I would break
a piece off for you
I can't so I hope
a smile will do
:)
I have read some posts
to painful to recall how many
and fear that my futile words
wont even be wroth a penny
I have been at the edge
more than a time or two
and know that reality is
a bit misconstrued
life it seems is an option
it seems so simple at the time
but this is not a simple task
hence the tears
the pain
and things are not fine
clichés don’t work I wont try
rhetoric about permanent solutions
and you know about the loved ones
and the emotional pollution
please take a minute
and just sit and breathe
I know it is hard
but do this much for me
breathe in breathe out
for a stranger wit a tear in his eye
breathing hurts I know
but please just try
don’t think about tomorrow
don’t think about yesterday
don’t think about the sorrow
don’t think about the pain
just think about the air
that is entering you right now
and think about the air
that is going out
that is right think of the mechanics
that is a human life
the miracle that is joy
the miracle that is strife
know that like the air
that you cant taste or see
there is a reason
for you to be
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.
Copyright © 2004 Victor Venero
do not count the minutes
for darkness know no time
as quickly as it entered
it can leave your mind
do not count your tears
for the pain will surely stay
if obsession fills your heart
and all hope goes astray
do not count on others
for they may not understand
words can sometimes wound
in the guise of a helping hand
do not count on medicine
pills can only do so much good
sometimes they don’t work
quite the way they should
do not count on unanswered prayers
for the answer may be no
God’s wisdom with all his power
doesn’t always show
do not count on anything
to pull you from despair
except for the assurance
that the darkness will not always be there
I have been feeling down for a long time. I cant remember quite how long
but I know it has been a looooooong time since I really laughed
or enjoyed doing stuff. There have been times I have felt less down than others
but I know that brighter days are ahead
I just hope they are not too far off.
Vic.
come on come all pay the price
to see the freak on display
it is worth the cost of admission
on this special day
I waited with my bated breath
to see the abomination
I was ready to be so scared
I was really loosing my patience
I saw the curtain rise
only to find a crowd
screaming and covering their eyes
and saying "My God" really loud
I got up to complain
I wanted a refund
the curtain came back down
before I was done
I could not leave
I was in a cage
bars made of diagnosis’s
stigmas
and rage
Every day would come and go
I would be on display
soon I started putting on a show
it was like a play
I began to believe the carnival barker
when he called me names
and I would take every comment personal
I felt I was to blame
till one fateful afternoon
there were loving eyes in the crowd
people that cared for me
I did not know why or how
I knew that to these people
I was actually quite strong
I opened the door to my cage
it was unlocked all along
Stef
I feel like a freak because I dont work too. but talking to my family I realize I am really quite strong
just because of the fight I have fought for the years. I do hold the hope that some day someone will realize that I am a very capable person that has a few unique problems.
I do not profess to know your situation
but if you are indeed living in a glass box then I hope you see the sunshine now and again :-)
Vic
it is hard to take off the grease paint
that shows the world a smile
but that is exactly what you have to do
every once in a while
let your hair down
it is okay to frown
that does not make you bad
it only means you are sad
in your moments of weakness
try not to forget
that every action has a reaction
try not to regret
I wish I could give you a huge hug
and show you that I care
all I can do is write my silly poem
and let you know I am here
vic
If this is the last time
that you will hear my voice
then I have to say goodbye
using words of my choice
I will try to choose the nicest words
that come into my mind
even though nice thoughts
are kinda hard to find
I am thinking that you may
not ever say hello again
and here I was just starting
to look forward to calling you friend
I know that you didnt know me
very well but that was about to change
then you dropped from my radar
I didnt hear from you again
now it seems you feel that
you are not worth that much
I have to disagree
I have to keep you in touch
you may not have hugs for a stranger
you may not even have caring thoughts for friends
but you have the heart you were bourn with
and now it is hurting you to no end
maybe it is time
for you to lie in the couch
and tell us what is going on
what life is all about
let me feel good for once
because I have helped someone
let us try to comfort you
let us help you find the sun
if you decide that this is
just goodbye for good
then may God bring you happiness
you deserve it
that is understood.
Vic
I woke up this morning to a brand new day
I opened my mouth I had something to say
“good morning” was all I heard
“I’m just fine” I couldn’t believe my words
I knew there was a storm brewing inside me
clouds of despair so dark that I could barely see
I knew that it was just a matter of time
till my outlook on life would be worth less than a dime
I wanted to tell my very best friend
but I don’t have a friend to tell
I wanted to tell my family
that I was starting to feel like hell
I wanted to scream and dance and show
that I was not doing too good
I wanted to I know I did
I really think I should
silence filled my voice today
silence filled my day
maybe tomorrow the clouds will pass
and all this will be a mute point anyway
I can fell the way I feel
and wear a greasepaint smile
and if I find myself in the pit
it will only be for a while
soon the sun will shine again
I will be silent because I have nothing to say
soon I will be happy
soon I will play
I pray
Lord please give me strength to endure
the times I am going thru
Lord please let the time pass quickly
so I can do what I have to do
Lord please let me not be a burden
to those that love me so much
Lord let me not lose my sanity
Lord help me stay in touch
Please give me peace to sleep
once in every while
please Lord grant me the strength
to somehow try to smile
Lord if it is not too much trouble
please make my path straight
and guide me through my darkest hours
in Your name I pray.
vic
Hi my name is Victor
I used to come here allot
I used to give advice sometimes
usually advice was what I got
I do look forward to reading
about all of the people here
sharing laughter when I am manic
when I am depressed I will share a tear
right now I am not doing so bad
well I have been much worse
it feels good to be back at WOM
and typing in my silly verse.
hopeless
hopeless
the history books will never
even mention my name
up until thins moment
I was sure I was destined for fame
I thought I was going to write
a book or maybe invent a doo dad
I was going to make millions of dollars
I was not going to become too bad
I know
that I have no skills
I have no real plans
so probably I never will
I will probably live my life
dependant on SSDI
and on those that love me
at least until they die
I am and will forever be
a burden to society
maybe it would be best
if I were laid to rest
vic
I cant seem to explain
I dont feel right now
I want to tell someone
but I dont know how
I dont feel happy
I dont feel sad
I dont feel good
I dont feel bad
I dont feel normal
I dont feel sick
I dont feel
I dont feel anything
I want to write
such beauty and prose
but I cant feel the words
thats the way it goes
this too will pass
like the winter cold
then I will feel
maybe I will just feel old
maybe I will feel
like I dont want to be
maybe I will feel
pain and suffering
at least I will be
able to say
how I feel
on that day.
Hunger to die
Hunger to die
I woke up in the morning
I was starved to be dead
I wanted so much to die
at least I did in my head
I am not suicidal
I have never really been
just form time to time
I want to do myself in
the urge it is quite real
even though I know I wont act
is it fair that I have
this monkey on my back?
I feel like I am starving
and I really really want food
but there is no food around
I go without it is just understood
every waking moment
I know the urge is there
but I try not to let it bother me
I try not to care
I dare not think of eating
of the dish that I desire
for if I do I will forever burn
for eternity in hells fire
I hope that I can sleep
I know that I soon will
thanks to the magic
of my Benadryl
I will dream of suicide
my tears will wake me once more
at the moment just before I wake
I wonder if I was dead before
my first waking breath I feel
the hunger in my soul
dreading yet another day
I must not lose control
I am a good kid
at the age of thirty-six
I will hunger in silence
I can get past this
I can leap thru fire
and never feel the burn
till I have had time to think
then I stop and learn
I can deal with pressure
the more the better I deal
but it isnt till all is calm
that I start to feel
I know that I should crumble
when bad things happen to me
I dont I
I really want to
but I dont you see
I want to scream
I want to cry
I want to feel
like I want to die
I want to feel compassion
right there and then
I dont and that bugs me
to no end
and the feeling of living
as if I was on another world
I thought that just happened to me
the felling is terrible
the knowing that I will break down
is little consolation
I think the knowledge is bad
it just ads to my frustration
I can type all the words I want
and none will really do any good
because I know what you are asking for
Ian I would give it to you if I could
I would tell you the secret
that would make everything just fine
but when I am in limbo times
I just lose my mind
I make sure I do my house work
I make sure to keep my job
I try to look presentable
at least not look like a slob
I pass the time as you are doing
and you are doing great
I hope by the time you read this
my words will come too late
Vic.
I don’t want to sleep
I know that if I do
all my energy
will fall thru
I am so exhausted
my body aches in pain
I don’t want to sleep
I must be insane
I am not really tired
I have energy to spare
I can stay awake for days
but I don’t want to go there
I guess I will take
a couple Benadryl
let my body aches
be cured again by a pill
I don’t want to sleep
but night is wasting fast
I don’t want to sleep
but I am running outta gas
soon I will just be confused
I have been this way before
thinking I am razor sharp
but not making sense no more
I will forget to finish sentences
I will forget to start them at all
I will hear voices from beyond the fences
I start my fall
I have been so good for so long
I don’t want to mess that up
but I don’t want to sleep
I just don’t want to stop
I am on the verge
of feeling oh so great
mania is so seductive
like lines on a mirrored plate
I want to taste the euphoria
I want to just once more
but alas I will just go to bed
and be “healthy” just once more
I don’t want to sleep
that is in my head
but I don’t want to wake up
in a hospital bed
I read the posts
from so many in pain
I want to care
but I refrain
for what if I say something wrong
something that is not nice
I cannot take it back
upon thinking twice
I have the best intentions
I want to help I really do
but there are so many here that know how to say
words that sing so true
there are people here that know what to say
and when to say nothing at all
so I just remember in my prayers
all that I can recall
it has been a long long while
since I last posted here
I stopped coming for a spell
the reasons are not all to clear
I think I was acting the part
of a disabled person way too much
I had to take some time
just to get in touch
I had to see that my problems
are not all about depression
some in fact many are due
to the recent recession
I also had to realize
that I am capable of living life
I can handle the glory
I can handle the strife
I am back now and I want to help
in any way I can
I am bipolar but I am much more
I am a living man
I do have my problems still
I will probably share them too
and then I will be looking for comfort
and answers or maybe a clue
for now I am just going to say
it feels good to be back here
I look forward to celebrating Thanks Giving
and Christmas
and the New Year
Vic
Ayame.
sometimes when I look in the mirror
imperfections are all I see
all my vision is drawn to
my huge abnormalities
is it a trick of light
or is it a sad reality
that I cant look into the mirror
and see the real me
I cant see my smile
I cant even see my tears
I focus on my scars
I focus on my fears
I am afraid that is just who I am
like it or not
mirrors will never be my friends
I must rely on thoughts
the times that I have helped someone
when they were feeling down
and the memories of when I myself
made a smile from a frown
the times I forgot who I was
on the dance floor at night
when I laughed with my friends
and such memories of delight
I am beautiful
so are you
I can say tat without any doubt
not because of as stupid mirror
We are beautiful! I can shout
because beauty is not determined
by the beast that lies within
but rather by the heartbeat
that lets our sun shine in
I have heard it said
more than once and it is true
that Love
true love
is found in the imperfections in you
vic
I am not certain that makes any sense
but I am trying to say that cameras and mirrors sometimes only show us 2 dimensional imperfections. In the real world I now people as imperfect as they come and I love them so why cant I seem to give them credit for being able to love me even though I dont look like a picture from a magazine?
Judy
the times that we must be
stronger than we ever thought we could
are the times that our resolve
is not always all that very good
when failure is not an option
at least not one that we like to talk about
is when want to cry
when we want to break down and shout
the pressure of doing right
sometimes makes us want to stop the fight
but rage sweet rage is instinct in your heart
it is not pretty it is not wise and it is not very smart
knowing deep inside that you are YOU
is all you really need to make it through
maybe you wont look the best in some people's eyes
maybe you will have to sit right down and do nothing
maybe you it will look to some like you did not even try
but in your heart of hearts you know you will win
-- just keep breathing.
Vic.
Judy
I do hope by the time you read this you are feeling better
but if not all I was trying to type was that even if you do nothing but breathing you have attained victory over the beast that was tormenting you when you first posted.
look at life not like a journey
but rather like a play
that lives a different scene
every single day
some scenes are happy
some are sad
some are written well
some are written bad
most are inconsequential
the really are just fillers at best
but then are those days that we remember
that make our life a test
the sunny day that for no reason
kinda sticks in my mind
the rainy day I was not happy
and I wasn’t very kind
the day I graduated
and the day I fell in love
are just a few scenes that
I am talking of
the play has more than one stage
and there are certainly more than one line
to the story and the plot
than I can sit and define
there are definitely more than three acts
life has its twists and turns
and defiantly it take several days
to get some lessons learned
so maybe this is not a play
because there are no curtain calls
maybe life is just life
after all
I am an old grown man
living with my folks
tell me the punch line if you can
of my life that is a joke
I am not laughing
it is not funny
I don’t think it is
to live a life
without any honey
to merely exist
life’s honey is so sweet
at least so I am told
the taste makes life complete
the taste makes life bold
sweetness oh sweet sweetness
where are you today
I can’t even remember
how sweet sweetness tastes
I am worthless at least worth less
than I thought life had in store
I will sleep I will eat
then I will sleep some more
the sooner I get thru my skin
that mine is not the lot
to be very happy deep within
and what I have is what I got
the sooner I will realize
that I am what I am
mentally disabled
genetically damned
that day is some day far away
because I refuse to believe
everything that people say
that is bad about me
I am capable of feeling pain
I know I can cry
and if I can feel then I know
I can feel quite high
I know I can taste life
I know that I can
I can deal with strife
I am a capable man
right now I am feeling blue
but this some day will pass
someday I will be a man
with honey in his glass
Vic
there is a darkness
it is the night
insecurity and fear
live in delight
there is no time
no way to tell
when the sun will shine
but believe me it will
the sun will rise
and when it does
the day will be brighter
just because
because there is light
because there is love
because there is warmth
because there is love
because there is life
because there is love
because there is comfort
because there is love
love may sometimes
seem so far away
but when it seems it is the farthest
love shines on a brand new day
Making the cut
Making the cut
winning sometimes feels like everything
sometimes losing does too
that is when life seems dark
and we are feeling blue
it is not whether you win or lose
that matters much in the end
it is the role that you play
the impact you make on your loved ones and friends
if you feel like you have been in the crowd
not even chosen for a team
or if you feel like you can’t wake up
from a really really bad dream
time will take care of that
I know what I am talking about
because not too long ago I was the one
that swallowed silent tears and shouts
I thought I was too weak to play
this game that most call life
I was going to end it all
with pills instead of a knife
I couldn’t see that I was just scared
I could not see too straight at all
because I was alone
I was alone or so I thought
A minute passed
maybe it was a day
maybe it was a week
I can’t really quite say
the point is that time passed
and somehow I feel different
maybe not to much better
but I feel passion
I am still a bit down
I would be lying if I said I was not
but somehow life -- the game
is within me trying to get out
Chameleon
all it takes to make the team is the courage to keep on breathing. and believe me it isnt always fun
and every "game isn't a happy victory
and I live in Cleveland so I know every season isnt meant to be our team's year to make it to the championship but there ARE victories. and as your lows can make you forget all the good moments there are good times that make you forget all the bad times.
Vic.
It has been a long while
since I wrote a poem
that said anything special
that brought any point home
but I am not going to quit
trying to write you see
not as long as I can type
not as long as I can breath
I will keep typing
I will keep rhyming
even if my messages
need help in their timing
maybe the poems wont be
the best ever written
but when I look back
I know they will fit in
I know that each rhyme
that I could not make work
will tell me just how I felt
even if I felt like a jerk
the point is to not quit
to try and move on
till my passion for writing
once again sees the sun
vic
I have a bit of energy
I have a bit of drive
I have a bit of courage
I am going to give it one more try
Once more I will try …
…to lose some weight
…to find a girlfriend
…to find a better job
…to wake up early
…to exercise
…not to look like a slob
I know I will fail
I have failed so many times before
but I will try because it makes me feel
like I am doing something more
I feel like I am more
one more time :)
strange that as we are/
we would probably never meet/
unless I can find the words/
to make your heart skip a beat/
I have to first convince you/
that my words are true/
and that is simply not/
an easy thing to do/
I am sure you have the lines/
like “Have we met before?”/
and maybe you are convinced/
that most men are rotten to the core/
I am not most men/
you have never met me yet/
giving me the benefit of the doubt/
I doubt you will regret/
alas your heart I did not forget/
I was on a mission to alter its pace/
I regret that I cannot/
for a heart is personal space/
till I get a note from you/
my poetic hands are truly tied/
till I get a note from you/
I cannot even make you sigh/
prayers answered
I have almost forgotten
the times I prayed …
…for energy just to get out of bed
…for the thoughts to get out of my head
…that I could smile again
…that I could be a friend
all my prayers were answered
My meds are doing well
now it is up to me
to simply walk out of hell
one step at a time
time and time again
will lead me to a better place
and I will have forgotten
I pray…
… for something to do
… for a job I can keep
… to manage my time
… to get just eight hours sleep
Every once in a while
I feel like I can win
an on the odd occasion
I finish what I begin
I am starting to feel that way right now
and I must admit
it feels really great
I feel like I am not going to quit
I think I am going to loose some weight
I think I am going to start walking strait
I feel like I can start dressing with style
I feel like I am going to start to smile
I know I have to take a chance
I know I hear the music and I have to dance
In all likelihood
this is just a passing phase
in all likelihood
morning will come my mood will change
but for a minute
for right now
I fell great
I think I am allowed
to sleep like there is a bright tomorrow
Vic
I love you more than a thousand roses
love the light of a summers day
when I see you my heart just mealts
in such a special way
when you speak I swear I hear angles
accompanying your gentle voice
when you are near I am so glad
I just want to rejoice
your smile is one that can brighten up
any gloomy room
when you are gone I swear I can still smell
the fragrance of your perfume
when you are gone oh what a joke
for you are always in my mind
I could see your pretty face
even if I were to go blind
but please don’t leave for too long
for I miss you when we part
you see you own most of me
including my heart
someday soon I know I will be able to say
these words to a real live gal in a special way
I will look into her loving eyes and maybe see a tear
because she loves me too that will be so clear
someday soon I have no doubt that I will be in love
I have so much to offer so many things I cant even think of
if there is a God and I know there is I will find a friend
I will have some special poems to write I will then
vic
I know you may be strong enough
to wear a greasepaint smile
for everyone that loves you
that is your strength -- your style
but
if someone that you loved
had a thorn in their toe
wouldn't you pull it out
you would this I know
you my friend have a thorn
stuck inside your brain
it causes you an indescribable
not so obvious pain
talking offers some relief
but you have to find the souls
that can listen to you
and not lose control
I know that it is scary
to reveal weaknesses we have
the fear of disapproval
the fear that someone might laugh
but it is scarier
hiding this pain alone
so give credit to a loved one
the next time you are on the phone
Good luck
Vic
I just want to say thank you
for not taking the darker road
for being here beside me
for carrying the load
I know I could not stop you
from ever doing yourself harm
any more that I could understand
why in death you found charm
I cannot place into so many words
the relief that I feel
knowing that you live today
knowing your life is real
so if I do not say the words
that make you know I care
forgive me for I almost lost you
and now I am really scared
I do care unconditionally
it should be said more often
that might ease your painful moments
at least make life less rotten
most nights I sit doing my best impression
of a flower on the wall
I hope that when it comes to talking
my name will not be called
I am so comfortable in my chair
it is so cozy and soft
I am comfortable in my silence
listening to others talk
it is cool how the evening unfolds
before my very ears
how with support and encouragement
Living Miracles can stomp on fears
I stand here doing my best impression
of a flower that wants to grow
but before I blossom
my roots must take you know
The Friendship Journey Begins
getting to know a stranger
gets stranger day by day
I used to just go out to my sand box
and ask if you wanted to play
then there were the notes
the teacher never seen
how naive romance was
when I was just a teen
“can I buy you a drink”
I think I remember saying
never thinking about
the games that I was playing
now I have email
a cell phone and café’s
modern conveniences
to keep up with a modern pace
I wouldn’t change a thing
even if I could turn back time
my memories and experiences
are unique
they are mine
I sit here typing wondering
what exactly might be
as I take the first step
in a friendship journey
the little voice
listen to the little voice
the one that brought you here
the one that has a little smile
the lost voice of your cheer
dont tell me that you dont have one
becaue I know that you do
it is just WAY way way deep inside
the real you
the person that you really are
not the beast that has you down
look hard for that voice
really look around
look under the cushions
in the living room
look near and far
look beneath the broom
lool like it is the car keys
that you have recently lost
because this voice is more important
it has a higher cost
the point is not to find the voice
the pont is just to look around
becaue keeping busy is the key
to lifting yourself off the ground
we both know that in time
the voice will ring loud and clear
till that moment comes
do not give in to fear
I hope by the time you read this
you will be felling better
and this rhyme will just be an exercise
an encouraging letter
vic.
at times it seems like there will be no tomorrow
at times I wish there weren’t
it is times like these I feel so bad
yet know not exactly where I hurt
I want to scream but I did that once
it wasn’t the best two weeks
I spent them in a psych ward
feeling like a freak
I want to cry but my tears won’t fall
I hate that I really do
I mean maybe if I could just weep for a while
maybe my sadness would be thru
I want to sleep all day and all night
but I get hungry when I lie in bed to long
I want to sleep forever
but suicide is wrong
“I know that if I just keep breathing”
“this to will pass away”
“and I will be feeling better”
that is what I say
I say it every morning
I say it throughout the day
I say it before I go to sleep
I say it in different ways
I say it in the shower
I say it at my meals
I say it and say it and say it some more
in hopes that it will be real
but I have stopped believing
I don’t think that I should
but a decade and a half is long enough
for my words to become good
Vic
It is true that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over
while expecting different results. I am not sure what I am going to do different
but I do know I have to stop expecting to get better and start making it happen.
think of sleep
think of a springtime valley
a serene place that you know
where you can just relax and sit
and let your worries go
think of a powerful waterfall
that nature took centuries to build
picture the rush and spray of water
overcoming your will
think of the perfect sunny day
and all the things you can do
like ride your bike and play ball
and swim if you want too
think of a secret garden
your own private thinking spot
notice how beautiful
all the plants have got
think about the numbers
how one comes before two
and think about this relationship
if that is what helps you
think of a story that you knew
when you were just a child
if you can remember the words
that would be just wild
think about a movie
that you saw not to long ago
and how the maiden was saved
by the dashing hero
close your eyes if you can
if you can’t just let them be
know that prayers are said on your behalf
in hopes that you finally sleep
There comes a time I have to say
God just put me together this way
my weakness
my strengths
my character
my faults
this is the hand I was dealt
no more can any pill solve
I am not to wait till I get better
I am not so bad off right now
I can engage in life’s battles
at least I do know how
sure I will be afraid
there is a good chance I will lose
especially with the frame of mind
that I currently choose
if I lose so be it
I will fight again
each defeat I will not regret
I will learn my friend
I will change my frame of mind
the best that I know how
to one that will make me the victor
that I am destine to be right now
I can feel the passion
pulsing thru my veins
I know I can learn
to fight again
Okay it is a bit messed up and at times it doesn’t even make sense
but all that is really necessary for a call to arms is that it motivates one to fight
and that is what I m desperately trying to do.
today something snapped
I am not sure what it was
I was told by my trainer
that inner beauty and personality is important
I have the energy to do
whatever has to be done
I have the drive to finish
my work in progress
a work in progress
that is what I have become
all the while waiting for that day
that I am finally done
well I am done right now I tell you
I am here to say
I will work harder than ever before
I am done with play
I am not going to listen
when my head tells me that I cant
I am going to work hard at
becoming the best me I can be
physically
mentally
emotionally
totally
I know my mood will fall once more
it usually does
but I have today enough energy
to endure my cause
I may fail
I may succeed
but when I am done I will NOT
be able to say I didn’t try
with every fiber of my being
up one minute down the next
I know just how that feels
like life is a movie decades long
and someone has mixed up the reels
I look to my pills in a bottle
as if a genie could come out
it matters not how many I swallow
it matters not how loud I shout
I take solace in knowing
if I dont like where I am at
in minutes I will be somewhere else
that is a matter of fact
when I am better
when I can smile
I just have fun
like it is going outta style
someday the science may be there
to help everyone just like me
till then I will dare
to live life completely
I will endure the cold moods
I will embrace the hot
I will simply take moods as they come
I will live allot
Vic.
I know the phrase "Get well soon" is kinda trite here
but I do hope you are feeling better soon
and that it lasts for more than 3 days.
What do you do
What do you do? I was asked
by a stranger I never met before
the question kinda caught me off guard
I didn’t have an answer in store
I breathe I think therefore I am
I was going to say
I am defined not by my work
but rather by my play
so I told him
“I smile”
“I care”
“I laugh”
“I cry”
“I love”
“I hate”
“I live”
I sighed
“I give”
“I take”
“I clean”
“I make”
at the moment I am unemployed
and I have been for quite a while
that does not make me less of a person
that does not diminish my style
I am a valid person
not just some piece of trash
my life will not be valued
on if I make some cash