test

Bad Dream.. 4

A Hawk That Once Lived As a Mouse. 5

Prayer For Peace. 6

A Smile and a Prayer 7

A Smile That Sneaked Into My World. 8

Prayer For a Friend. 10

Acceptance. 11

Another Prayer 12

A Wish. 13

Call His Name. 14

Counting. 15

Cry If You Must 16

The Cure. 17

Darkness. 18

Delusions. 19

End it all. 22

FOREST. 24

Get Things Done. 25

GETWELL. 26

GIVE. 28

Friend of Time. 29

I am tired. 30

I know how you feel 32

I live. 34

I must climb. 35

I Saw the Doctors Today. 36

I Want to Say. 38

I will be tired. 39

I Will Try. 40

If You Don’t Mind. 42

I’m All Alone. 43

I'm Feeling Low.. 45

I’m Gonna Die And It Sucks. 47

I Still Pray. 48

It Should Have Been Me. 49

The Solution. 51

Life is Good. 53

Little Things. 54

Living With Intent 55

Love Does Not End. 56

Making Memories Once Again. 57

Maybei 58

MISTAKES. 60

Morning Comes. 62

Father’s Day. 63

Myfriend. 64

Not There. 65

Please. 66

Replaced. 67

Sleepless. 68

Someday. 70

sticks and stones. 71

Word1. 73

Tell Me I Am Beautiful 74

The hand. 76

The Mirror 77

The People Must Be Remembered. 78

The Razors Edge. 79

The Winds of Change. 81

The Words. 83

Then and Now.. 85

The Pain. 86

We Are Glorious. 88

Welcome Weary Stranger 89

What If 90

What Is The Point 91

When Does It Get Better 92

Why. 93

AFRIEND.. 94

A Writer's Pride. 95

Count The Heartbeats. 96

Emotions. 98

Faith. 99

What Faith Means To Me. 100

Friends. 102

Hello. 102

If You Are Reading This. 103

Impress. 105

Just Hi 106

My 2 Cents. 107

Sometime. 110

Spring is Near 111

The Waterfall In My Mind. 112

The Solution. 114

God’s Mistake. 116

The Brightest Star 117

Creation. 119

Another Ships Passing Poem.. 120

Poetic Rrefraction. 122

My First Real Attempt at Suicide. 123

Mistakes II 126

I Was to be a Millionaire. 127

I am Vic I am New Here. 128

For Shame. 130

Another Weekend. 132

Workitis. 133

This Particular Moment 136

Spring Daze. 138

Sleepless. 140

Winter Mood. 142

A Day in the Life. 143

A Journal Entry 12-8-04. 145

All I Want 146

Back Again. 147

Breathe. 149

Do not Count on it 151

Freak Show.. 152

Gloomy Moments. 154

Goodbye. 155

Grant Me Strength. 157

Hi my Name is Victor 159

How Do I Feel 160

I Can Leap Thru Fire. 162

I Dont Want To Sleep. 164

I Just Pray. 166

I’m Back. 167

Imperfect 168

Just Keep Breathing. 170

Life is Life. 171

Life's Honey. 172

Love's Sunrise. 174

Never Quitting. 176

One More Time. 177

Online Dating Ad. 178

Sleep Like There is a Bright Tomorrow.. 180

Special Poem.. 181

Strong Enough. 182

Thakyou for Choosing Life. 183

The Flower 184

The Friendship Journey Begins. 185

The Little Voice. 186

The Rut 187

Think of Sleep. 189

To Fight Again. 190

Today Something Snapped. 191

Up One Minute Down The Next 192

What do you do?. 193


Bad Dream

I have no clue why

I want to scream

I want to cry

feels like a dream

I have no sense of time

there is no wrong or right

I am going to explode

in a passionate song

I will look so bad

to all my friends

they do not understand

I don’t know where to hide

my head.

 

I did not scream

it was all a bad dream

the tears I shed

will dry from my head

no one knew felt pain

"I still look great", she said

I did not scream

it was all a bad dream


A Hawk That Once Lived As a Mouse

Well I find it hard to label

a bird that fell out of the tree.

I mean chick is probably destine

to be a cats entrée'

 

the only thing that happened

in most cases you will find

is that there was a eager young foul

that really wanted to fly.

Thanx to its high-strung spirit

the little bird must lie in the grass

not knowing just when which

peep will be its last.

 

So he sits there still and quiet,

even when Mom has a relay neat worm

he worries of danger all around him

even when there is no harm

He wakes up from sleep wanting to scream

when he realizes the flashback was just a dream

soon he weighs less than he should

so flight is not easy -- that's no good

 

finally comes the day he can fly.

It is the day he must fly.

nature, time and instincts take their course,

and soon up in the skies

 

lives a hawk that once lived like a mouse.


Prayer For Peace

Lord, please be gracious

with the peace there is in you

many among us desire it

some have great faith too

 

please do not consider

the amount that I deserve

lest Lord, please just please

please just calm my nerves

 

If for just one morning

I'd smile at the day's new birth

and have the energy to jump and run

oh what that would be worth

 

An then the whole day through

I could laugh and sing and play

I would song your praises

tell your glory, every day

 

and if at night I would not cry

until medicated to close my eyes

wondering if today was my last

wondering if tomorrow I would die

 

Peace of mind is yours to give lord,

I have begged and now I pray

please Lord if you deem it good

please grand me another good day.


A Smile and a Prayer

 

I promise not to take allot of your precious time

especially when it is just me talking

I want to thank you for all of your precious "hi"’s

I know it may seem a bit shocking

 

every time you say hello

I say to myself, "Vic"

"What can possibly keep you low?"

"what can make you sick?"

 

because here is this girl in all her pain

taking time to say

"Hi", to me and making sure

to brighten up my day

 

She may not see the gift

that every time says "hello"

I can close my eyes and see

her smile and a prayer.


A Smile That Sneaked Into My World.

 

Somewhere in the night

there lies a dream

that I once dreamt.

 

It is full of light

and it would seem

I knew what it meant

 

a long long time ago

I lost the meaning

the dream, the light the innocence

 

I just let go

I quit

trying to even make any sense

 

of a child's dream

made of a child's world

in a child's frame of mind

 

then the nightmares came.

big and bad and ugly

soon I learned to forget.

 

I learned to dream tamer

so as not to scream

I've not had a heart attack yet.

 

Now I watch the stars till dawn

looking really hard

for the light, the dream I lost years ago.

 

it seems the light

was the sunrise

even when I was 9 years old.

 

I remember now it is clear as day

I was just another kid.

playing king of the mountain

I did all things kids did.

 

They used to call me crazy,

I would call them wacko back

I remember Barbara had a crush on me

till I painted her pig-tails black

 

I can smile just remembering

everything that was

it is good -- well it is a smile

that sneaked into my world.


Prayer For a Friend

 

Lord help her I ask you please

as I sit in my chair typing keys

true I do not know her name, still she is my friend

her heart has been revealed to me time and again

 

she has comforted many people

she has shed tears on my behalf

she has shown me many many times

that life is definitely the better path

 

Lord I ask of you

to have her understand

in her hour of need

I will reach out my hand

 

I am sure she has not lost faith

I doubt that she is even close

please grant her your inner peace

is what I ask the most

 

you will heal her spirit

time will heal her flesh

her inspiration will demand

life is not over yet.

 

vic

 

 

 


Acceptance

 

Acceptance is not perfection

they are two different words

I mean flaws are what make us real

at least that is what I've heard

 

People are people

so what do you say

that's the way the song goes

there is work and there is play

 

We try to please our loved ones

and we try not to fail

depending on our nature

we sometimes fail ourselves

 

I accept those that I love

no need for pomp or circumstance

that is the way that I am

that is the way I dance

 

I have found

beyond my dream of dreams

my acceptance

to them works the same way it seems

 

I am not in your situation

I am sure I don't understand it all

I will leave showing my complete hand

 

You know I am not going to say it

I am not going to say a thing

I will fail you will accept and understand

 

 


Another Prayer

I have never been too good with the quotes in the bible

there are some really great ones I hear them all the

time, but quotes isn't exactly what praying is all about

anyways.

 

I offer a prayer that comes from my heart,

I know it will be well received

And what I pray for saves me when times are hard.

it is Jesus' own inner peace.

 

I know you will weather the storms.

but at what price I wonder inside.

Some times it seems we are alone.

and all that is good in us has died.

 

There is an inner peace. One that I cannot describe.

that helps. believe me its true.

why would I lie.

may His peace be with you.

 

 


A Wish

 

I wish I could say every day would be all right,

and every time it was proper you would sleep at night

every dream that you remember would make a smile

every time you wanted to you'd go that "extra mile"

 

but that is not to be.

 

Medicines are nice they help our cause,

and lifestyles the must change too.

But to be painfully honest

time is the only cure.

 

I wish I were more patient

as a patient is supposed to be

because the steps that may seem backward

are the ones that help us heal

 

and I wish it didn't hurt so much

every time we fall.

and I wish there would be one last time

to say, "finally I have it all".


 

Call His Name

I call his name When ...

. . . feel pain I know it will be gone

. . . it rains I call in the drops I hear a song

. . . I am lonely I call and I know he is right beside me

. . . no one will hold me and no longer do I need

. . . I am alone in a crowd them not a stranger do I see.

. . . I have to scream out loud I end up screaming unto the Lord

. . . and somehow I am proud when I feel like I have sung the perfect chord.

 

Nothing is impossible

nothing is unstoppable

God knows the pain in our lives.

 

have faith that He loves you

and yes I believe it is true

take pleasure in the gifts that he give.

 

 


Counting

 

Sure we had laughter

sure we had tears

and sure we had minutes

but what about years.

 

I know there are times

when it seems no one cares

when in the darkness

you are alone and really scared.

 

don't count the footprints

they sometimes lie

just count your pulse

it is mime.

 

 


Cry If You Must

 

Cry if you must

for days gone by

but believe me it does not help

memories can embellish

soft sun light

and how wonderful it felt

 

time are tough now

I do not argue with that,

and that is the way it is

I am sorry that life

has hurt you

the cure goes beyond a kiss

 

The cure that is funny

I mean I am messed up

messed up as all the rest

I have had doctors guessing

about what might help me

they have only clues and an educated guess

 

I have swallowed a dozen pills each day

for a decade actually eight years

and sure I can talk to strangers now

but my friends bring me to tears

 

oh yeha days gone by

I forgot all about them

I was saying how it doesn't help

a bit to remember when

 

I do believe it doesn't help

but hey what can it hurt

even eleven years of good times

when times are bad can divert.

 

 


The Cure

 

The cure is quite simple

it is not found in any pill

for it there is no prescription

there is not even a hefty bill

 

it is hope and prayer

kindness and love

it is genuine respect

from all involved

 

that its not just me

that is being cured

by God's loving hand

of this I am sure

 

for scientist are getting smarter

love is being redefined

a simple smile

I can broaden a skeptic's mind

 

I am a person let that be known

no better no worse than the next

sure I long for the day I am better

but today I am glad I am blessed

 

 

 

 

 


Darkness

 

lack of feeling

lack of emotion and goodness too

walking in darkness

I disappear from view

 

darkness envelops my body

darkness captures my soul

I am not talking about lack of light

I am referring to losing control

 

I don’t care -- I think I should though

I really want to, I think

but I cant remember why

the further into the pit I sink

 

Oh I hear the words "Choose life"

and "Things are not all that bad"

I know I am not gonna die

even though I am sad

 

I am meant to be in darkness

I can put a on grease paint smile

I will fain joy now and again

Lonely and sad is not so bad for a while

 

 


Delusions

If I thought for just one moment,

that I could do some good.

I would reach inside my soul

and give everything I could

I would give and give, and give,

and give, and give some more

till all that was left of me

was a bare depleted core

people would come from miles around

just to see the sight

of the spot where

one man made things right

they would come and look into my eyes

that is if I still did live

and see a man that is just too weak

a man that cannot give.

 

I have looked into those eyes somewhere

I cannot quite place the sight.

It was morning yeha I am remembering

I had waken from the night

I brushed my teeth, and washed my face

I was just about to shave

In the mirror I saw a worthless soul

that knew not how to behave.

He had the strength to help for sure

and only one thing was clear

that nothing can paralyze a spirit

like ignorance and fear

 

I can help I know I can

I know it won't make me weak

In fact I will probably grow stronger

one step closer to the peak.

I hope that I feel this way tomorrow,

I somehow doubt I will

maybe I can find solace

after taking all my pills

 

I need a plan Yeha that is what I need

to make me a better man

I know I hate the lime light

so in the shadows I must stand

maybe I could ask for help,

an ad in the local rag

and find cause that could use

a reason to up and brag

not just any cause of course I know

I want one that is right for me

I want to help the people

that are in real need

 

I want to help the poor,

the homeless and the oppressed

the female that has not a voice

and man that was to wear a dress.

and I want to help the hungry

the stupid that can't get work

and anyone that classified

as a class A grade I jerk

I want to help the writers

of those country songs

and everyone that has had to struggle

with a used car for too long

and don't forget the rich folk

their life is way hard too.

every year come around taxes

they pay a percent or two

The animals need help most of all

because they can't even talk

I want to pay for surgeries

so that every hamster can walk

I think the cold is curable

There must be more studies done.

The war on drugs is loosing.

we must make sure drugs are not fun.

Traffic is getting better

no one has been shot lately

but I think I will see to it

that target practice is mandatory

loose moral there is a spot

that I can surely fix.

by the punishment for men without morals

will be cutting off their income.

 

That is the first day of my great crusade

I better go to sleep now.

maybe I will fix delusions of grandeur

if I have time some how.

 

 


End it all.

 

here is a poem few will understand

yet many will think they do.

It is about how I want to end it all

get it all over, done, and through.

 

Yes I want to wake up one day

and cut out what is ailing me

look in the mirror and just say "you putz"

"are you so blind you can't see"

 

"that day after day there is a problem"

"and it is only getting worse"

"life is not going the way you want"

"not the way that you rehearsed."

 

"End all the madness and silly stuff"

"and walk the path of life"

"like you are healthy"

"and stop living this lie."

 

"I mean saying today that tomorrow"

"you will feel good enough to have fun"

"Buck up realize that it will just be sorrow"

"then maybe you can get things done"

 

"End all the delusions that there will come a day"

"that you can hold a job"

"for more that a season of the year"

"without quitting and starting to sob"

 

"Get over the feeling some call pride"

"It was years ago that it went away"

"Get over the intense wanting to cry"

"Get over caring it’s the safest way"

 

 

No

 

 

I cannot live just for the moment

just waiting to die

I may not succeed every time ,

but I will always try

 

and when I look into tomorrow

It may be dark. I may be scared

but one sunset at a time

I will find my way there

 

I will end it all

if "IT" consists of my self pity

and to get "IT" over with for good

I will not stay sitting

 

 

I will FIGHT

I will WIN

I will LOSE gracefully

And FIGHT again

 

I will RACE until

Until I FINISH

 

I will

 

 

well I will

 

I will end all the bad things I can control

and I will get over the ones I cannot.

 

 


FOREST

One day a man wen on a journey

for the path that would lead to the forest.

He left his home and traveled by night

because he thought it was the best

 

At night he could guard against daemons

and all that nocturnally prey

and sleeping as the sun shone

he felt that he was safe.

 

Also the afternoon sun was hot

in the land that he was from

so traveling by night was genies

And everyone called him dumb.

 

Well then one day beyond a the final tree

he saw that path and rejoiced

"The path to the forest!" he exclaimed

in a towering manly voice.

 

Soon he would find all the plants that he needed

for medicine, and dies, and food.

he started to run faster and faster,

alas he was the fool

 

for he walked on for miles and saw not a tree

just deserts, and animals, and sand

 

 

 

 

 


Get Things Done

NYC

oh say can you see

a terrible page in history

 

It is a world of sinners

it is a world of crime

now it seems we are all beginners

living in a new less innocent time

 

Live we must

live we will

to just survive

with no thrill

would be to admit defeat

 

so remember September 9th

if you really can

think of the headlines

remember your daily plan

 

if like me that is too hard,

think of ten minutes from now

what can be done to live and maybe smile

like looking at a cloud

 

maybe it is raining,

that makes for a good day to clean

maybe there is a good movie

that you haven’t seen

 

I know what I like to do

the things that make life full and fun

somehow I think you do to

the tough part is to get things done.

 

 


GETWELL

Hi,

I sit here hoping

that everything is fine

that you are feeling peachy

that you have peace of mind

 

I am so many miles away,

I can't even offer a hug

but maybe if I try real hard

I can share a little love.

 

I can share the part of my soul

that really wants to play

you know the part I talk of

the part that runs all day

 

It is the inherent energy

of a three year old child

Some say that we out grow it

to me that seems wild.

 

I mean I still have it sure I do,

I looks silly when I show it.

but let me tell you

the energy helps not to quit.

 

I fear I may not make you smile

some times we are meant to cry.

If that helps you go on so be it

let the tears by.

 

When you have added an inch to the lake,

and you can cry no more

Jump on the bed, or squirt Hubby some

find your "energy" once more

 

I suppose it is "easy to say"

I mean life is not so cut and dry

I do not pretend to know

how you feel as I sit and write.

 

If you are felling great, and I brought you down

oops is all I can really say

But if Get well soon is proper right about now

then I'll be here whenever you want to play.

 

 

 

 

 


GIVE

Give me the strength Lord

to give it my all

when times are tough

and I want to fall

please grant me the luxury

of seeing your peace

even when life torments me

and my troubles don't cease

I beg that when I am down

with my heart on my sleeve

that I look twice and that I see

there is cause to believe

for I am in your image Lord

you are aware that I suffer

 

There is greatness in me

I can't see through the tears

and the wiser I get

the less are my fears.

once in a while Lord

All that I ask

Is an occasional smile

I remember from my the past.

The strength that I asked for,

well I suppose I know

it grows inside me

as I grow.

 

 


Friend of Time

 

Once a long long long long time ago

the very first instant appeared

before that there was no time

deadlines were not feared

 

since that day time moved on

at a steady even pace

setting the stage for the main event

called the human race. (I like to think so)

 

Time marched till the moment

I saw you again

I swear for just an instant

it stopped

 

I was visiting a friend.

 


I am tired

I want to write the words

that everyone wants to hear

just as I have lived my life

so that no one sheds a tear

 

I am tired of saying I feel good

if I feel like poop

I am tired of hiding a smile

when I really want to

 

I am tired of taking medicines

that make me fat and stupid

I am tired of getting blood level checks

by a tired underpaid phlabotomist

 

I am tired of feeling good

ant then feeling sad

I am tired of waking up one morning

wondering what day we are at

 

I am tired of getting fired

and grinning and saying thankyou

I am tired of not ever

ever ever ever ever telling the truth

 

I am tired of knowing I have gone thru hell

to get to where I am with no one to tell

I am tired of being so proud of me

only my mirror and med records see

 

I am tired I really am

I want to be normal already

I am tired of knowing there will never be a cure

just pills that get slightly better and cost more

 

I am tired of know I am a the freak

at the but of late nights jokes

I am tired of only crying at night

so no one need to know

 

I am tired of hiding all that I have to offer

creativity and words that rhyme

I am tired of knowing that some day maybe soon

I may run out of time

 

You would think as tired as I am

I would sleep even with bad dreams and all

but I will sleep when I can

I will sleep when I get too tired.

 

 

 


I know how you feel

"yeah, I know how you feel."

 

How could it be

how in the world

could you know

how I feel

 

You have a clue

maybe some pain

but you don't know

what goes on in my brain

 

don't tell me a lie

because I know that you care

I know you mean well

but at least play fair.

 

don't try to fix me

as you wipe my tears

and realize you have yours

and that I have my fears

 

You don't know

believe me

I know what I say

 

when I say

that I hurt

that I am in pain

 

if I could describe it

I would have by now

but descriptions alone

are useless some how

 

no this is more

than stubbing your toe

there are no band aids

for this that I know

 

I am sorry for times

that I treated you bad

and more for the times

that I was sad

and you could just stand there

feeling bad

because you love me

being helplessness just makes you mad

 

but trust me I know

there will be a day

that we will look back and laugh

some how some way

 

No, not tomorrow

no not next year.

that day is way off

I really do fear.

 

but so is the day

I first fell in this pit

it doesn’t seem that long ago

now does it?

 

yes I am tiered too,

now I must rest

I feel I am lucky

I feel I am blessed

 

to have a friend

like you by my side.

what do you mean you know how I feel?

well,

I will let that one slide.

 

 

 

 


I live

I smile if I want to smile

it is only fair

don’t think for even an instant

it means that I don’t care

I care

I care

I feel

I grieve

I cry

I laugh

I smile

I wonder why

I remember

I regret

I ponder

I try to forget

I pray

I forgive

I feel loss

I live

 

I really had a hard time accepting any good feelings. I felt as though if I laughed when I thought something was funny, I was acting improper. Allot of the people I talk to now feel the same way.

 

I am not telling knock knock jokes around town, but I am not forcing depression on myself to impress my neighbors either.

 

 


I must climb

I am back where I started

I have been here before

time and time again

 

no longer can I see this

as the beginning

I feel this is the end

 

Make no mistake

I tried my best

my success just never came

 

I am not angry

I am not sad

I am just insane

 

If I take

another step

what good would it do

 

walking in circles

running in place

hoops that I've jumped thru

 

I have my sights set on higher ground

there is a mountain

I must climb

 

I don’t know that I can

but I realize

I must try

 

 


I Saw the Doctors Today

I saw the doc earlier today

he said that I was fine.

I turned my head and coughed

he was off to the next patient in line.

 

and later I saw the psychiatrist

she too said things were well

I take my pills responsibly

that much she could tell

 

well after I got home today

I wondered if I was wrong

but isn't it true a healthy man

doesn't heal for so so long.

 

I mean I got "sick" so long ago

all I remember is the date.

October 26, 1992

was my twist of fate.

 

and since then I have been getting "better"

what the hell does that mean

when will I be able to say

there was a day I was not healthy

 

when will look back and laugh

and not just want to cry?

when will I never ever ever ever

think I want to die?

 

I mean I can pray I know of faith

it was fed to me as a kid

and patience I have a mess of that

at least I thought I did

 

but there comes a time for action

acting is all I do

if 2 doctors with years of experience

said I am okay, its true

 

and all this on a day

I need only the slightest chance

to scream and jump and cry and rant, and rave and ...

at even a persons wrong glance

 

well I lived through today

I will live through tomorrow

I will make it through the next day too

 

That is what they say

though I feel sorrow

I will make it through

 

I know that there is a reason

I know there is a rhyme

I know that some how I am living

and surviving at the present time

 

and if there should come a weakness

that leads to my last gasp of air

I know I will have given everything

at this moment I care.

 

That my friends is important to know

that I care right here and now

it is not very important

what I care about

 

But I really feel I am doing fine

as I turn out the light

I will sleep and dream

till the mornings light.

 

I saw the doctors today

they said I was okay

who am I to argue

what good would come anyways.

 

good night

vic

 

 

 


I Want to Say

I want to say "good morning

as we pas every day

at least say hello

as our eyes meet every day

 

I want to introduce myself

as we meet on the bus

I know that we would smile

instead of being so serious

 

I want to say "thank you"

for the encouragement at work

I don’t my lips stay silent

I feel like a jerk

 

I want to say "can I sit here"

or maybe "do you mind"

instead I take a healthy lunch walk

to a park bench I call mine

 

I want to tell the funny jokes

beside the water cooler too

but I can never seem to get them right

was it a monkey a priest, and a Jew?

 

there we are on the same buss home

I still don't say a word

out eyes meet as they have before

it really seems absurd

 

I want to open up the door

to my castle my home once more

I want to say "I am HOOOOME"

and hear love say "close the door"

 

I want to eat a meal

at a table set for more than one

so when I say grace I can see the face

of a person that loves me just for fun

 

I want to say "God, Thank You"

for another day

I didn’t say as single word

that might get in the way

I will be tired

I am tired of saying I am sorry

or I did not mean to say that

I am tired of making friend

only to leave them flat

I am tired because I want to cry

when I do things that are wrong

I am tired of just accepting my wrongness

as I turn up the volume on a song

 

am tired so I sleep

it is easier than facing the day

I am tired so I sleep

it is just my way

I am tired so I sleep

if I wake I just close my eyes

I am tired so I sleep

and pray I never wake

 

I will wake and the funny thing is

I will be tired.


I Will Try

If you are reading this

 

I have never lost a friend.

I have never lost a love.

I have never lost a dollar.

that I didn't think of.

 

I can't stop you from sleeping Rose

I know better than to try.

If you never read this

I will try not to cry

 

I will try.

 

If you read this you will know that

I am writing from the heart.

the journey is almost over

even though you chose not to start.

 

It will be rougher every day

this I will assure to you

that yesterday wasn't the last day

that you couldn't pull through.

 

I will try

 

 

No, tomorrow has its demons

and they are stronger than you think

You have walked throughout hell Rose

and in your strength you forgot to blink

 

Pictures are engraved

in your soul no one should endure

Dante could have used them You must.

Use them.

Find beauty. Find the pure.

 

I will try.

 

Rose I know that it seems we've no power

at times to even take another step.

and sometimes even to breathe

takes way too much pep.

 

but alas rose I am telling you there will be a moment

that you look back at a century gone by

and laugh loudly at satin and hell and earth from heaven.

after I draw my last breath

 

I will try.


If You Don’t Mind

I have proven a man can live alone

I am not really proud of that

I am an average face in the crowd

maybe a little fat

I don't have a friend to bury me

should I get hit by a truck

nobody will even know that I am gone

till my rent lady gets stuck

I need to love again somehow

I am certain that I can

after all I am average

I am a common man

I wish I could just remember

the words I need to find

to begin with I must ask for help

if you do not mind.

 


I’m All Alone

Thankyou for taking the time to read

all what I have to say

it shows that you care

that is rare in a very special way

 

I am in pain but I will survive,

but this probably already occurred to you

the human mind and body

is stronger than most of us ever knew

 

I will tell you about what is bothering me

if you promise not to laugh

because it is really quite insignificant

but not from my behalf

 

You see I am alone

 

When I was small I would go play

in the sandbox after lunch

and my friends would join me sooner or later

unless it was raining too much

 

as I grew up there the sandbox grew,

but the concept was the same

I mean sooner or later I could count

on someone to come and play

 

well here I am on the edge

it is where I want to be

I moved twelve hundred miles

to live on the Atlantic beach

 

sure AT&T reminds me

there is more than casual hellos

but I am lonely

and life is going wrong

 

My meds don’t work and I don’t have a job

and I hate the thoughts I think

I mean no body would even notice

if I swam east a while and then sink

 

Alas I have already picked

old age as my suicide of choice

I know my career is waiting for me

I can hear its little voice (just kidding)

 

and as for the fact that my sand box is too big

I don't know what to do

but maybe you know is there a pill?

maybe pink or maybe blue.

 

Once a gain thankyou for reading my words

I suppose I just needed to type

believe I usually don’t type this much

thankyou for letting me vent.

 

 


I'm Feeling Low

 

I'm feeling low

here by my self

I'm feeling low

like I'm on a shelf

 

I do suppose

its my fault I know

but that don't change the fact

I'm feeling low

 

there is Jesus

he is on my side

oh thank you Lord Jesus

for filling me with pride

 

you will be here tomorrow

this much I know

as you have been here today

when I am feeling low

 

there can be no good days

if there are to be no bad

all the days would be alike

and I don't think I'd want that

 

at the moment

I would like a bit of company

a tangible smile or even a tear

I am feeling alone you see

 

but I will cry till sun set

I will cry till late

my tears will dry I will sleep

as I medicate

 

mid morning at my place

I lie still and quiet

till I can no longer sleep

I look about and realize

 

I am feeling low

here all by my self

another damned day

on this tiled floored shelf

 

thank you Lord for hearing my prayers

but I'm gonna pray again

Lord, creator of heavens and earth

help me find a friend.

 

Rosie, fret not. I am not really feeling low, I just had this bitchin blues riff in my head( I think it belongs to Stevie Ray Vaughn), and then BB King himself started sinning, and then the next thing I know this poem was born, after only a few moments of labor.

The poem doesn't read very well, but I haven't written for a long time to anyone. if you have anything special for me to write about (no smut, I know that goes without saying) please suggest away.

 

I do hope this note does not find you ore leave you singing the blues, after all you are the friend I was asking for in the song.

 

Vic.


 

I’m Gonna Die And It Sucks

I’m gonna die and it sucks

there is nothing I can do

and to everyone sayin "Yes, there is"

I was once like you

 

standing on the outside

laughing at the grease paint smiles

hell bent on the notion

that breathing is worth while

 

what happened? I cant tell you

where my path just stopped

I suppose I looked around

I suppose my expectations droped

 

no longer am I waiting

for a friend by my side

no longer do I see the need

I can just go away

after all my life is mine

death happens all the time why not to me

 

for once I will walk in the sun

no grease paint on my face

I will frown tears may fall

for once I will sleep to escape

how I feel when I am awake

sleep oh precious sleep eternal

 

 

Istillpray


I Still Pray

 

The Lord has answered

Every prayer I have ever inspired

true at times the answers

were not the ones that I desired

 

so sill I pray

I pray for a best friend

that knows when to be much more

I pray for a simple gal

that isn't drawn by gold’s allure

I pray for a hand to hold

so I won't feel alone

I pray for those conversations

the ones that really hit home

I pray for patience and understanding

in this ever so important quest

I am so demanding because

there is no such thing as second best.

 

 

 

it should hav been me


It Should Have Been Me

 

every day someone dies

people mourn their loss

and in almost every case

society has paid a cost

 

as I sit here typing

at tear falls

because of how I feel

nature calls

 

It should have been me

that is dead

and the valuable person

should get ahead

 

it should have been me

everyone knows

it is just a matter of time

before I go

 

It should have been me

I want to die

no one will even miss me

I will wear a disguise

 

it should have been

I deserve peace

burning in hell

would be a relief

 

it should have been me

I could have replaced a child

that would someday find a cure

for greed

 

I have no right to wish for death

it is selfish this I know

maybe I am worthless

but that is the way it goes

 

My tears are drying I am confused

but grateful for your time

especially thankful for a friendly place

to sit and post my rhyme

 

It should have been me this very night

that did something stupid and rash

but I didn’t that is what happened

maybe it is part of His plan.

 

 

 

 

just one more day


The Solution

 

There was a day actually a night

that I decided to die

I knew that I would be happier

at least it was worth a try.

 

I took a 2 liter bottle

dissolved a bunch of stuff

anything I could find

that would kill me just enough

 

I succeeded I was dead

the monitors line was flat

my solution worked

how about that

 

for years I believed

I really was dead

when life is hell

it plays with your head.

 

Thank God you are alive

everyone would say

I hate that still

I hate it this day.

 

alas time passed, I healed

and I learned to smile

I even learned to dream

 

recently I have discovered

that dreams come true

if you have faith and you believe.

 

The solution ... the answer

the best angle to take

 

Lies not our perception

but rather the life we make

 

in our least significant prayers.

 

 

Your decisions are your own

to say death is not a choice

well that would be a lie,

One I cannot voice

 

but the way I see it

there will come a day

the door to life will close

why not fight just one more day

 


Life is Good

 

Life is good, that is not bad

at least it should not be

why is it that when I am smiling

I turn on the TV

 

Sure these are troubled times

with all that has transpired

but I will be damned if

I sit down and stay tired

 

I run in the sun

I play in the night

I laugh at the good jokes

I live my life

 

sure I look twice under my bed

and when I fall asleep

a few bad thoughts

creep into my head

 

But when I wake in the morning

and greet another day

all I can say

is

Life is good.

 


Little Things

I remember sunlight

smiling as it set on my face

I remember puddle hopping

in the hard tropical rain

I remember smiling

I can't remember why

smiling was such a little thing

I didn't have to try

 

Now I live rather I survive

for the little things I search

I look every day really hard

I know how much they are worth

 

I don't have to tell you

how hard it is to try

to look for stupid little things

with a tear in my eye.

 

 


Living With Intent

I stand tall when I explain to a person

that I am a few cards short of a deck

knowing full well they will never look upon me

the same but what the heck

 

I know of the stigma and the looks and the talk

that goes on behind my back

I refused to be labeled crazy

just because of a panic attack

 

my voice is only one

I know it is really not loud

I will be damned if I am put to shame

Just because I am proud!

 

I am sick. that is all

and till now there is no cure

Doctors guess at what will help

but no one knows for sure

 

I intend to talk

before it is too late

because if there is no language

how can we educate.

 

 

I mean really.

 

if the average Joe only knows the bad things about mental illness what is he to think? and lets face it most printed current events are bad.

 

my intent? oh yeha my intent, help shed a bit of light on darkness. I know I don't light too much, but hey maybe I might just light a fire.

 

 


Love Does Not End

 

Sorry to be so bold

and try to make a point

but Love is not finite

it cannot be controlled

 

passion lust and even greed

those all fade away

admiration, fascination and need

can be lost any given day

 

Love

in its purest form

Love

does not conform

Love

it just is

Love

fond in a kiss

Love

not found in words

Love

rather in how they are heard

 

Live is simple, much like a light

of the sunny day

hate, and illness can tend to blind

and seem to take love away

 

though it may seem that there is none left

fear not for it is just night

sooner than you think morning will come

and love will shine bright.

 


Making Memories Once Again

 

rays of sunlight through the leaves

of short fat little trees

butterflies seeming to float

almost taunting me

the warmth of the sunlight

on my skin as I take a casual stroll

chocolate, oh yes chocolate

in a cake that has ice cream in it roll

the sound of birds at sun set

heading for their home

the sun sets on Lake Erie

way beyond the foam

the night is coming slowly

darkness takes its place

and romance well, at least hormones

have a chance to race

I have always belonged to the night

every aspect is amplified

Seemingly short are the minutes

till another red sunrise

 

Sure these are memories of yesterday

happy one I keep of friends

but today I was happy

making memories once again


 

 

Maybei

Though my song may be a sad one

when my days are through

there are verses that are fun

there are words that will ring true

 

and maybe everyone cannot see the sunset

as a work of art

but it is when the night begins

the darkness in my heart

 

and should someone ask, "Vic how can it be"

"that you never see the light"

"why can't you work a job"

"or even smile and be polite"

 

I never answer because you see

there is no answer that can satisfy

the curious minds of the just and right

that is why I never try.

 

maybe some day I will draw a picture

it will only take a thousand words

I can paint the night and stars no moon

some will say it is absurd

 

just like the moon has the right to hide the light

from the Mother Earth

I can show what I want to show

I decide what it is worth

 

I believe what I want to believe

until the pills bring me "down"

I believe what I want to believe

for as long as I am around

 

or till a pill takes me down

 

some day some one might look back and say

"I can't believe they did that" to vic

just like I find it hard to believe

leaches and how blood was let from the sick

 

maybe some day will be looked upon

as an asset and not a debt

for I can give to society

more than most will bet.

 

sure I can push a button

make a computer work

but 15 pills a day keep my secret

at times I feel like a jerk

 

maybe I need more pills

 

 


 

MISTAKES

 

Some will argue without fault

that to try is better

than not at all

but at times it is the hardest thing to do

 

to take a chance

to dare romance

to swing at a possible curve

 

to climb a mountain

or walk in the fountain

to gather all our nerve.

all of lives journeys

start with a single step

I need not mention

risk will develop

 

every time I wake up in the morning,

I will not forget

to read the label on the tube

for Brylcreem taste like shit

 

and when I make my way to the kitchen

I go down the stairs with care

because marbles are fun to play with

as long as you know they are there

 

and then I make my breakfast

just cereal and toast

but when I take the bread out

well a fork makes my toast coast

 

then I go to work

we are building a chimney today

I make sure I know the rules

slow and steady wins the race

 

Now I need a shower

maybe not but I will take one in case

and just because the biggest bug in the world came out

I will not slip in haste.

 

and now I have to go to sleep.

DAMN I forgot my noon pill.

well I will take the rest of them

and sleep I know I will.

 

I made it through another day,

I wish I could have done better

but mistakes made on days gone by

helped this one stay together.

 

no I did not climb a mountain

but taken in hind sight

the steps I took living this SIMPLE day

I have climbed my mountain in my own right

 

some times we have to take a look at those things we do and take for granted. make coffee, or do laundry, or drive a car, or anything; because as we get healthier that list gets longer and longer. And sometimes we get down because we demand more of ourselves. It is frustrating. Sure it drives us to do better, but I find I get caught fixating on my self improvement, and not giving myself credit for achievements that I have earned.

 

Some may not know that I sit down to type as a form of therapy. I have no clue as to where the poem may take me. I let my instincts try to tell me what is happening with me. It seems a bit selfish to do so in this group. well this may not have been the most well written poem of my life, but it makes sense to me. I hope maybe someone else will read it an maybe it will make sense to them too

 


Morning Comes

 

Morning comes I sleep

till way past after noon

I don’t care if evening finds me

it is all the same

I try to care

I really do

It is really all the same

I feel hunger but it is only pain

the sun sets I never notice

I eat it gives me something to do

I do the things I ought to do

like clean and bathe and watch TV

My meds oh yeha I would not want to forget those

the tiny chemicals that the pharmasudical gods created

they must be swallowed

 

I am not sleepy

but I will sleep

 

mourning comes once more

 

 


Father’s Day

Today is the day many people

say "Dad I think you are great"

or maybe something like that

they will usually say

 

today is Father's Day

across the land

but I don't need a special day

to say that you are grand

 

In fact I ma living proof

that you are wise and good

the way I live the way I act

is thanks to you, it is understood

 

as a child you taught me well

as a teen you taught me right

as a man you showed me what it means

to fight the good fight

 

So on this special day set aside

I am really not sure what to do

all I can really think to say is - Thank You.


 

Myfriend

there are times I feel so bad

I feel as if I have no friends

and even though life is going well

I just want it all to end.

 

 

I mean sure I have enough money

and my family is always there

It just would be really nice

if love was not DNA compared

 

I mean My sisters and aunts and parents too

all know how special I am

when I get a chance to show my stripes

well my moods rewrite the program

 

Please don't get me wrong, I have people that care

most on the internet now.

These are the folks that keep the gun from my head

and keep air in my lungs somehow

 

Thankyou for reading the words in my head

thankyou for caring and supporting me to no end

thankyou I mean it I could very well be dead

if it were not for you -- my friends.

 

 


Not There

sometimes a miracle is just too much

for me to ever expect

I mean I pray, and worship and believe and all

but the sky remains dark gray

I ask for peace

I find war

I ask for love

I find a whore

I ask for food

I find rocks

I ask for shoes

I get socks.

I ask and ask and ask some more

and much to my avail

never do my words reach heaven

the sound just seems to trail

I have failed.

I want to die,

but that would be wrong

I have been told this time and again

by people that are happy and have many many friends

The doctors drive fancy cars,

and when I look around

all the time I hear "Don't jump"

from a "friend" that doesn't frown.

I know God is not a take out store

and understand when I say

The God that made my life this way doesn't care.

He is not there.

 

 

 

 

 


Please

I pray

 

Pleas make today a day of patience

so that what is said is to me is clear.

Please make to day one filled with strength

so I can overcome my fear.

 

Please make today a day of justice

a day that is civilized.

Please make today focused

so on my judgement I can really

 

make today my day

make today bright

make today clear

make today light

 

If it is in your plan to bring pain to my day

I will accept it

if it is has to be there is rain in my day

I will accept it

if words I don’t like must be spoken that I have to hear

I will accept it

if when the sun falls nothing is clear

I will accept it

 

All I ask Lord is

Please make today.

 

 


Replaced

please excuse the sarcasm, it is just that I am mad

a friend of mine said something and it made me sad

this friend well she believed that if given enough time

that her entire life would be put behind

 

her ways would be forgotten

her laugh would ring no more

She said everything she is right now

could be bought at a store

 

She could be found at a temp service

She could be bought right off the street

her services from those that love her

were mearly common charity

 

I stayed silent once to often

and her tears roll down my cheeks

every time I remember her

as she reaches out to me

 

I said nothing she is dead

those are the facts at hand

She will NEVER be replaced

I hope now she understands.

 


Sleepless

One day I woke up, and in the mirror

there was a person crying

Who he was was not clear

but I knew that he was dying

 

I screamed for someone else's help

and someone came quickly

but for some reason someone else

saw no one in the mirror but me.

 

I went to sleep

 

I woke up

I was in another room

and strangers seemed to know my name

 

I thought it strange

I am of legal age

and I don't remember a thing

about this wedding ring

 

I went to sleep

 

How do you plea?

the judge asked

waking me up from a pleasant dream

 

You are guilty he proclaimed

that he said to me

you are to serve life imprisonment

without so much as a key

 

 

I cried ,

I screamed ,

I begged ,

I screamed,

I had no clue

I screamed

of what to do

I screamed

 

I shut up

 

I realized that they mad a mistake

I was thrown out the back door

I ran like hell past then lake

 

to see the jail never more

 

I ran to my house

right to my bed

laid on the pillow

my tired head

 

I could not sleep

 

I only thought of my terrible sentence

and could never slept again

sure my eyes close from her to hence

but good dreams I only pretend

 

here I am time has passed, I am doing the best I can

I want my dreams back and I'll be damned

if I never sleep again

 

"I'll be damned", that is funny I am damned right now

I know there is hope it is true some how

there is my friend

 

for if I can never dream again

then the fire in my heart

will cease and no longer try to mend

 

if I can still find it in my heart

to make another comfy

then there will be a day that somebody

will bring comfort to me

 

I will sleep

 

 

 

 

 


Someday

Me desistí del gran secreto

Que nos permita talvez añadir

Cién letras más al alfabeto

Y tengo fe al predecir

Que alguna vez habrá palabras

Que expresarán lo que quiero decir

Y habrá una balada

Que cantará la ilusión

Que hay en mi

Que alguna vez tendremos alas

Para volar, volar y volar

Y al terminar cada jornada

En una estrella

Poder descansar

 

We are aware of the grand secret

That we might have even have to augment

No letters to really upon let alone an alphabet

Still I have faith when I say

Some day there will be the words

So that my intentions will somehow be heard

Someday there will be a ballad

that sings the illusion

that is me

Someday we will have wings

To fly, fly and fly

and at the end of journeying

upon a star

we will find rest.

 

 

 

 


Sticks and Stones

What to do when someone cares

and really wants to help

but in the end they aggravate

by the advice they tell

 

I don’t want to be rude

I don’t want to explode

I don’t want to say "dude"

"shut up leave me alone"

 

I mean after all he is so proud

to be "helping" a fellow human being

what am I to say when

he hurts my feelings

 

He starts of with the usual

"I know how you feel"

HE HAS NO CLUE

about the way my world is

 

but that is as common as

"how are you today"

no one wants an answer

it is just something to say

 

by the end of all of five minutes

he has told me what my Problem is

and that life is so much more simple

from his perspective

 

Now I am inferior.

my thoughts are all skewed

he proceeds for some time

to explain his point of view

 

"He is a nice person"

I keep telling myself

"let him talk just don’t listen"

I keep telling myself

"sticks and stones can blah blah blah"

I keep telling myself

"he is gone now"

I keep telling myself

 

sticks and stones can brake my bones

but my bones heal

words and ignorance can hurt cause damage

I will always feel

 

 

there is no "dude" this is just how I feel about a few of my neighbors that have "caught" depression, but got over it and now want me to do the same.

 


Word1

I know I am not the man

That you expect me to be

my shining armor is made smoke and mirrors

my actions they mislead

 

When I look so passionately

into a glance from your eyes

I can see your frustration

I feel you screaming "why ?"

 

I cant defend my nature

I just know I act on faith

if I were to move too soon

that would be a mistake

 

I want to reveal you

uncover your real self

not the actress I know right know

but the you that lives in stealth

 

Maybe that is too much to ask

but there is where your passion lies

It is possible I am wrong

but I am not it is in your eyes

 

You see I have been investing time

in hopes you would come out and play

and walk on the beach and in my arms

you might know you are safe.

 

I have time and patience

I think both are well spent

and if I never get to know you

hey at least I have found a friend.

 

 


Tell Me I Am Beautiful

Tell me that I am beautiful

I really need to hear

words of praise about me

entering in my ear

 

I jump I dance I rhyme for you

and silence is all I hear

sure my eyes are ugly now

they are full of tears

 

I hate to even bother you

you are obviously better than me

but could you look in my direction

is there one good thing you see

 

I am sure there is something

that catches your knowledgeable eye

I could change I know I can

at least I could try

 

tell me I am beautiful

even if you must lie

words can cure my self esteem

I have no reason why

---

 

I am Gods creation damn it

I know I have worth

I did not walk of a photo shoot

but I have had His image from birth

 

Look closely here is your last chance

to verbalize what I already know

tell me I am beautiful --

too late here I go

 

I am beautiful

this is obvious to me

I may not be aesthetic

but there is more to see

 

I have a heart holding more than blood

twenty-four seven and three hundred-sixty-five

passion truth and love are commodities

no plastic surgeon can derive

 

Oh yeah I am beautiful

even in this light

a perfect "10" strutting my stuff

down the catwalk of life.

 

 


The hand.

 

the hand that you were dealt

is the hand that you must play my friend

understand there is much more to the game

throw the cards in once in a while

it doesn't mean you are weak

by no means is it a sign of shame

 

The rules to the game?

I thought you understood

they are specific and they are not concise

no one really knows them

you know that cant be good

I learned to play by breaking them once or twice

 

You are a good person

that has a smart head

next round you will have all the chips

remember all us small time players

as you are saying "I remember when"

and smiling at the hand.

 

 


The Mirror

I was once told that people are allot like mirrors. Every mirror has imperfections, so as to reflect a bit differently. I have a feeling one of your mirrors is broken, or maybe warped, or maybe even turned to the sun so as to blind you, or maybe even turned around all together, so as to give the impression of total darkness. I do not know.

 

Just remember you are a mirror too, and just as fragile as the rest of us. Take care of you .

 

 


The People Must Be Remembered

I have watched more TV

than I really think I should

the news is so incredible

and the coverage is pretty good

 

but I would like to make a distinction

that I have not herd yet made

death is the tragedy

not the mess that was made

 

Sure this goes without saying

I am not sure it is right

but I have spoken that were mad as hell

because they had to miss their flight

 

others regret the fact

they will never stand

atop a trade center tower

and see people look like ants

 

I even heard it on TV

that the buildings were attacked

I feel the people are the ones

we will never quite bring back.

 

 


The Razors Edge

Come one come all

the ride is about to leave

calling it a roller coaster would be a lie

the climb is pure anticipation

the can last for days

once at the top you can see for miles

 

The top the top that razor's edge

dance and jump

and pray it never ends

 

It ends.

 

there is no fall

there is no scream

there is no chance to raise your hands

the bottom of darkness

time stands still

there is cement in the hourglass sand

 

tomorrow, next week, next month, next year,

next minute will not come

sleep if you can

eat if you must

smile always smile for the cameras

watch for signs of light

and cry when no one can sense your fear

try not to laugh to hard

when asked "where does it hurt"

does it hurt?

is fear pain?

can loneliness inside be cured with an aspirin

is the fact that so many love me, and nobody really cares an oowwwwweeee?

sleep

rest

tomorrow is another day

tomorrow is another day

tomorrow is a day

tomorrow is day

tomorrow I

 

a ray of sunshine

climb for it

let instincts pull and push

energy

in your heart

start to fill your veins so much

 

faster and harder

eat sleep and pray

you see the first sunrise

The air feels fresh

the food tastes great

life is heaven for your eyes

 

at the razors edge.

 


The Winds of Change

 

The winds of change are coming

I have felt their touch before

and like a fool I hurried up

and closed each and every door

 

I closed every window

sat down and closed my eyes

I remained the same

change I would not try

 

now I am older

and in many ways I am the same

as for the world around me

I don't recognize at all that is a shame

 

the winds of change can be but warm breezes

on a bitter cold winter day

little by little they can melt the snow

and make it go away.

 

the winds of change can have the gale force

of a tornado or a hurricane

in an instant they can bring people together

by taking things away

 

do not fear the wind

do not fear the change

do not fear the challenge

do not fear the pain

 

wind is a natural force of movement

that can move the sands of time

and change is what elevates mere survival

to living a rich and full life

challenges make us stronger

only if they are accepted

and fear of pain can cause fear

of taking paths with hard times ahead

 

true the winds of change are coming

true they are already here

true they were here yesterday

true they were here last year

 

true that the winds of change

feed on the spirits they transform

I have reached a time in my life

I simply must weather the storm

 

 

 


The Words

What is the word or sentence or phrase

that can fully and properly explain

that death is an option not one I want to take

but none the less it is in my brain

 

"No!", I hear that is not true

"not when there is so much in your life."

"Suicide now it doesn't make sense,"

"how can you bare to say good-bye?"

 

there is no thinking I try to explain

but to no avail for I can't get through

I ask them to remember back to the day

that instincts were their golden rule

 

I ask if there is an impulse in their head

that wasn't processed but true

well I sometimes have the impulse to be dead

It is not what I want to do

 

I suppose it is a sickness,

maybe it is a gene

maybe it is just the devil

or God being mean

 

but by any account here I stand

breathing in and out

and death is an option

I sometimes think about

 

I really don't want to find the words

that can make anyone understand

why this particular course of action

has become mine to command

 

Because I might just be too good at it

and what good would it do

to have one more person on the Earth

that thinks of suicide too

 

The words I am looking for are simple

I know not exactly what they are

but they are all based on principle

deep in the instinct of who we are

 


Then and Now

 

There was a time I remember

that my life was going fine

some steps I took were wrong

but at least I knew they were mine.

 

Now I find myself at the gates of heaven

and my legs won't seem to move.

I am going through hell alone now

I don't know what to do.

 

I have lived and learned to be on my own

and I have cared for all around me

I have never been really alone

that is how it should be

 

Now I find that I need help

after my life is done

I have won every battle there is to fight

but the war has just begun

 

I have to learn to live again

I have to learn to cry.

There will be times I can't be a friend.

I know I have to try.

 

Oh, I can walk backwards with the greatest of ease

I can feel the flames at the door.

Or I can face this "friendship" disease

and learn to live once more

 

I must trust

I must believe

not only when I want to

 

I must love

that includes me

not only when I want to

 

most of all

I will pray

not only when I want to.


The Pain

I sit here sweating pouring satisfaction

knowing I did what I could do.

earlier I tried to run a mile

once I would do it just for fun

 

I tried to run but there was pain

I could not pinpoint exactly where

looking back I am not positive

it was even ever there.

 

I got sad, because you see

my meds are causing my weight gain

and when I try to counter it.

all I get is pain.

 

I tried to reason that tomorrow

I will heal, and run I will

but that is like what I said yesterday

even longer back still

 

I started thinking, getting down

feeling the pounds add up knowing not what to do

then a little rage built up inside me

an my eyes turned red from blue

 

I am NOT going quietly into the good night

misquoted part of me from inside

unless something falls off I am going to fight

I will live life with pride.

 

so at 11:30 in the evening I started my run

I did not even look at my watch

and sure enough there was pain, not fun

but this pain I could describe to everyone

 

This was the pain of fear, and the unknown

the feeling that you are alone in your task

I was determine unless something fell off

I would wear my athlete’s mask

 

as I turned the first block and could see my goal

the one half mark in sight.

all of a sudden my instincts kicked in

I remembered how to do it right.

 

I never did like running I smiled to myself

the mask I was wearing went back on the shelf

because the pain has turned into a memory

replaced by resolve and aggression that will not melt

 

The next I remember I am tuning back

remembering techniques lost in my past

breathe in breathe in 1,2,3, breathe out 1,2,3

I can finally relax.

 

 

How fast did I run it, was it a record pace.

would I have been embarrassed if I were in a race

It was slow I know it, but the fact sill remains true

I kick my but to run now the mile is through

 

Not to make this longer, but I feel I should explain

this was not about running, it was about the pain

 

 


We Are Glorious

 

I am Catholic too and the I listen to the sermons

sometimes I get right out and leave

before I red your post I was wondering if I had lost Him

and suddenly I felt something in me

 

my helping hands acted automatically

I felt the need to speak

but the place that I am in right now

my words may be a bit weak

 

so use your imagination or your logic

if you must

All you really need to have

is trust

 

Trust that in the sunrise of tomorrow

God has placed a small portion of his glory

in the western horizon when the sun sets

God has placed a small portion of his glory

in the night moon and all the stars

God has placed a small portion of his glory

 

Oh there is glory left Lots and lots and lots

and it is not hard to see

it is in the souls

of you and me

 

sure there will be rain clouds

but the sun will still rise and set

there are clouds in our minds as well

but please never forget

 

weather we see it or not,

we are glorious.


Welcome Weary Stranger

 

 

 

 

Name: vic

Email: N/A

Subject: welcome weary stranger

Date: Aug 19, 1998 at 08:04 EST

 

To those of you that read the words,

but feel you don't belong.

please feel free to speak your mind

and help us in our song

 

we sing the blues, we sing the Reds

we sing a little off key

the most important thing of all

is this is about you and me

 

the people here are friendly

all are very sincere

and some of us have a sense of humor

most some of us have tears

 

I know first hand that never before

have I ever known a "place"

that I could say "I don't care"

right to someone's face.

 

Here is a place that I can speak my mind

and at least someone will understand

Here we find the normal people

that can lend a helping hand.

 

and a smile:)


What If

What if I do tell you all the things

you really don’t want to hear

would any of the facts change

would would life become less clear

 

What if I take advantage

of every weakness and strength I posses

would the facts change

would I live with more or less?

 

What if I do give you all the answers

to the tests that life has in store

would the fact change

would you end up with much more

 

what if I make a promise

I do not intend to keep

will the facts change

will I burn for eternity

 

 

What if I do nothing

more than sit right here and breathe

would the fact change

yes they would indeed

 

when I talk

when I take

when I give

when I make

I live

 

When I do noting

I exist.

 

 

 

 


What Is The Point

I really wish I could take control

of my life that I am living

I am old enough to be self sufficient

and to society I should be giving

 

aw what the heck does complaining do

I will live until I die

I think I will just go back to sleep

and keep drawing SSDI.

 

 


When Does It Get Better

When does it get better

I need the exact date

at least assurance that

I am not way too late

 

maybe it got better

when I was sound asleep

maybe I missed the call

this may be all for me

 

God may never smile

the way I want him to

wishes made on twilight stars

may never even come true

 

I am way beyond frustrated

but have not yet given up

ho much does life want to treat me

like the local dump

 

maybe giving up will help

maybe I should give that a try

just sit here in my bed

and cry


Why

I saw the pictures on TV I still cannot believe

that terror can be quite so real

CNN showed time and again the sequence of events

I feel bad about the way I feel

Thousands of people died today all I can say is wow

I feel like I just saw a flick

As sure as am here today I feel those actors will walk away

it was just a smoke and mirrors trick

There couldn't have been anyone inside the missing piece

of the pentagon that protects the world

upon a New York on a sound stage the cameras produced

explosions that cause blood to curl

 

There were people there was no warning

I am scared

the tragic number of fatalities

is beyond compare

 

there are more that are

physically hurt

the world has changed today

we are more alert

 

I feel bad I want to cry

but all I can do as ask, why?

 


AFRIEND

What I am looking for in a friend

 

a pulse would be nice

to have in a friend

an a smile yeha a smile

and a laugh that isn't pretend.

 

Female I think

I happen to like them more

call me old fashioned

call me a bore

 

but when dancing cheek to cheek

I just feel I am in trouble

when I feel the grit

of razor stubble

 

I like honesty

It is reality swell

but knowing when to lie

can save a bit of hell.

 

No I am not saying

I approve of bold face lies

but sometimes to keep the peace

fibs at times arise.

 

But I always tell the truth

never do I sway

(I like a person gullible too

really I'd rather a brain).

 

Oh I could go on and on

till both feet were in my mouth

it is a curse it is how I write

it is how my thoughts get out.

 

but I will be kind, at least I will find

if you care for me to say hello again

or maybe Dr. Seus is not your style

when it comes to friends.

 

 


A Writer's Pride

 

It was told to me long ago

back when I was still in school.

that to write it is to reveal your soul

and take the comments -- bad and cruel

 

leave out one strand of your moral fiber

from what it is you say

hold back an ounce your convictions

and you're just sharpening the blade

for your words will cut right through

who you believe you are

and sleep will only get easier

once you accept from a far

that your pen is not longer a tool you use

to state the way you feel

but rather it is what you use

whenever you want a meal

 

for it is easy to white in the public eye

when you say what has been heard

and never contradict the golden rule

... uh, I mean the golden word.

 

"This is as he said,

"It is as it was

"He has a smart head.

"It is a great cause

"He was so right

"She was not wrong

"There is only darkness at night

"Everyone belongs.

 

As you minstrel to the public's ear

and get a feel of what to say

what the masses want to hear

the dollars you'll find some day

 

but to publish all that is in your heart, without regard to what may subside

may leave you dead and poor with only a writer's pride

 

 

 

 


Count The Heartbeats

How many heartbeats till I can laugh again

there must be a certain count

How many I want to know till I can cry

only when I know that I am crying about

 

There must be a certain number

I am sure it is extremely big

that can indicate how much more

how many heartbeats until I can finally live

 

I am keeping count inside my head

because I know some day some how

I will find out the magical number

I will continue to count

 

When that last beat comes flowing through my veins

I will jump and dance and sing

for I will have all I want

every last imaginable dream

 

But what if that heartbeat never comes

I mean there is "another" numbered too

maybe I should try to find

an "alternate route"

 

A path that is set for only me

that takes me where I must go

It may mean breaking from the ordinary

aside from the straight and narrow

 

Maybe I might do more than just wait

for that med to cure my will

for it will only take longer

and longer if I only stand still.

 

I said all that to a person, years ago

as he looked at me from a mirror.

Maybe tomorrow will finally be the day

the answer will become clear.

 

how many heartbeats will it take?

 

 

 

 


Emotions

I write my poems once in a while

sometimes I get one right

if I am lucky I will get a smile

for a not so badly written line

 

I can always pull a tear

from a concerned and gullible eye

just by writing a line of fear

I don't even have to try

 

I suppose I can juggle base emotions

that is what poems do

by giving or implying simple notions

the words make the feelings true

 

Death and dying is so so sad

this is known to everyone

but when I write of the glory it has

a different experience it does become

 

and sixteen candles oh what joy

at least it usually is

unless there is the monologue

of missing that first kiss.

 

yes emotions are what the poems are about

not just words and rhyming

I mean "Sam I am" is just a phrase

but green eggs, "yuck" they sound slimey

 

 

 

 


 

Faith

Flor,

I did tell you I am a poet, but left out the reason why.

I write to understand who I am and what I feel.

what is faith?

I have been faced with this question.

far too many times

and I pray for clear direction

as I type this rhyme

 

When I was young I understood

that faith took no more that belief

the years have proven faith to be more

that just what I conceive

 

I mean I can say I have faith in you,

but that is somewhat tame

Kinda like saying I love Chocolate

when love you are trying to explain

 

The faith I speak of and wish to understand

if only in my limited way

is the faith in my Lord's merciful hand

The faith I have today.

 

I like to sleep, as some who know me are aware

And in sleep I find an example of true faith

for while twelve were fearing death by storm

Jesus slept his peace with God was made

He was startled to see the look of fear

in the faces he had known

I am sure they believed strongly

I am sure that day their faith did grow

 

You see faith needs all of a person

the mind the soul, the spirit.

and when there is faith inside me

I can almost hear it

It is as if I can walk the path

and know that I am walking right

even if the darkness that surrounds me

is of a cloudy moonless night

 

What Faith Means To Me

 

Faith makes me confident

not that I can or I will

I just know the I am

and that is such a thrill

 

I pray to Jesus constantly

I make my life a prayer

for once when I was smaller

I prayed for one more breath of air

 

And soon I prayed

for one more breath every time I breath

well it became very simple

to listen when the Lord talks to me

 

I must make clear I am the product

of many people's constant prayers,

most of which were for my health

when I needed care

 

What about the topic

at hand here and now

Faith is what I am here to describe

Faith is what this is about

 

Prayer is essential

to the faith in me

from the casual conversation

to when I fall to my knees.

 

The more faith is in me

the clearer it becomes

danger is not necessarily evil

and evil will be overcome

 

I do not hold a claim wisdom,

and knowledge is not my goal

so maybe I am wrong in what I see

maybe I am a fool

but when I sleep, I sleep well knowing

God is in control.

Believe it or not I was bugged that I could not even take a shot in the dark when asked what faith is. it has been a long time since anyone challenged me to think it feels good thanks. I have never had a pen pal, but would really like to correspond by mail. I am curious to read what you have to say about faith. If not, I am patient, we'll "talk" when you get back on-line; if you so desire. God willing I will see you at the picnic later this month, along with all the other smiling faces

 

Does everyone always smile that much in Canada? or is it just me?

 

Bye for now,

Vic


Friends

Once in a while, there comes along

someone you can count on to be there

at times it seems that he alone

is the answer to your prayers

 

Still again there is the one

that can never do you wrong

and then there is that person

that loves all your favorite songs

 

But I tell you girl take them in stride

their names will come and go

to make it in the halls of friendship

you have to have only one thing to know

 

there is only one side to him

That is not the one that the mirror shows

that is not the one that everyone knows

that is not the one that is jolly and fun

that is not the one that can handle a gun

that is not the one that can make the pope cry

that is not the one that will always try

that is not the one that will hold your chair

that is not the one that notices you are there

 

friendship is built like a very fine mirror

every time you meet you grow nearer and nearer

and soon the friend will appear to you

as someone you know through and through

 

My friends are like an antique mirror

that has imperfections century old.

and every day I have to take on faith

that our friendship will continue to unfold.

 

 

 

 

Hello

Hello :)

 

I was to leave this blank

that was to be the effect.

but then I may never ever get this chance

to vie for a touch of respect.

 

I am not a bad person as people go,

still I have to admit

I would be the lucky one should you and I

go walking down the street

 

 

Oh I can be handsome,

I am sure you are a babe

and with can ooze out of our pores

 

But I fell there would be a presence

an aoura if you will

and you will the one to be adored.

 

How do I how this

how can I know

to be honest I don't

but I had to say more than

hello.

vic

 

 

 

If

If You Are Reading This

 

I have never lost a friend.

I have never lost a love.

I have never lost a dollar.

that I didn't think of.

 

I can't stop you from sleeping Rose

I know better than to try.

If you never read this

I will try not to cry

 

I will try.

 

But If you read this you will know that

I am writing from the heart.

and the journey is almost over

even you chose not to start.

 

It will be rougher every day

and this I will assure to you

that yesterday wasn't the last

day that you couldn't pull through.

 

I will try

 

No, tomorrow has its demons

and they are stronger than you think

You have walked throughout hell Rose

and in your strength you forgot to blink

 

Pictures are engraved in your soul no man should endure

Dante could have used them

You must. Use them. Find beauty. Find the pure.

 

I will try.

 

Rose I know that it seems we've no power

at times to even take another step.

and sometimes even to breathe

takes too much pep.

 

but alas rose I am telling you there will be a moment

that you look back at a century gone by

and laugh loudly at satin and hell and earth from heaven.

after I draw my last breath I will try.

 

 

 


Impress

Impress her I must,

I know that I can

I must show her

that I am more than a man.

 

Rise to every occasion

Fall at her whim

praise her beauty

from head to limb.

 

But did I not say

Just a few short years ago

as I saw big brother

as he was putting on a show.

 

It was clear to see with every move

that the maiden was looking for him

and obviously he had not a clue

a he turned the lights down dim

 

And when I grow up,

I will never surrender

to the forces of evil

my body puts me under

 

I am me! Only me.

that is who I am.

not at a fish in a stream

showing off my dance.

 

I am kind , I am generous

I am funny so I am told

but most of all

My heart is not he least cold.

 

Any smart female will see this at once

and jump at the chance if the catch.

that is what I said back when I was young.

oh the bliss of those days.


 

Just Hi

 

I have said it time and again but this time is different I suppose.

my mood swings are happening now is my chance to live life and just let go.

To bad I am " disabled"

to bad I am "over weight"

To bad I am "Bipolar"

to bad I am not straight.

To bad I don't have all my senses

and it is a shame I can't think

To bad I am not "normal"

If I rise I will just sink.

 

Well I find it hard to label

a bird that fell out of the tree.

I mean chick is probably destine

to be a cats entrée'

 

the only thing that happened

in most cases you will find

is that there was a eager young foul

that really wanted to fly.

Thanx to its high-strung spirit

the little bird must lie in the grass

not knowing just when which

peep will be its last.

 

So he sits there still and quiet,

even when Mom has a relay neat worm

he worries of danger all around him

even when there is no harm

He wakes up from sleep wanting to scream

when he realizes the flashback was just a dream

soon he weighs less than he should

so flight is not easy -- that's no good

 

And finally comes the day he can fly.

It is the day he must fly.

 

Then nature, time and instincts take

their course, and soon the skies are graced with a

hawk that once lived like a mouse.


 

My 2 Cents

There are times that I remember well

that my world was a living breathing hell

never did I have a prayer

the worst part was that I did not care.

 

well day by day those that believed

that I could be more than constant grief

prayed prayers sincere, from the heart

and little by little the healing did start.

 

when I say little I mean little

the healing is going slow,

but for some time now

I know the way to go.

 

I can look in the mirror

and in my eyes

the ere is a Loooooong tunnel

and at the end I see light

 

the light is the part I once used to use

to fight when I was down and confused.

and it is getting closer, and bigger, and bright

now I remember how to fight.

 

when the winds are blowing and the rain really hurts

and there is no place to hide,

that is when I push and do my best to stand straight

Knowing I will not die.

I have pride,

 

and many times the softest winds have knocked me down

and times I did not want to get up

but the fire inside me soon overcomes

all that bad icky stuff.

 

today I ran past the three mile mark

and that was a personal victory

I say this not to brag, well yes I do

I am sorry, but you see.

 

Never in my wildest dreams

did I ever conceive

that maybe just maybe

I could ever compete.

 

again

 

I am not running to be skinny or strong

I run because I believed all along

that God had taken my talents away

I see he was just storing them for another day

 

I know I can't be the only one to feel the sting

of a passionate heart that dying to sing

 

again

 

I hate to run is the bottom line.

but if I can do it then VICTORY is mine.

because I could do it before

when I was sane and in line

 

why tell you this I am sure you may ask

am I rubbing it in because I can?

no my friends I am not quite that cold

there is actually a sense of challenge in this poem

 

I know it is hard to push fear aside.

and try to come back after being pushed aside,

maybe at time it may seem so unfair.

but we are strong all of us the proof is

-- we are here

 

What is the challenge, what do I dare,

well that is up to you what ever is fair.

that is right you read it I said fair

maybe

see the outside once a day

make a cake or delicious soufflé'

once every day go for a walk

once every month give junior a talk

ride that bike hanging in the garage

start painting again, using the brush.

 

try to remember one thing from your past

that used to make the good times last.

 

and if you have not recent recollection

of things that once were fun.

the you my friend have a double challenge

if you choose to just find one,

 

I can't tell you how to go about

finding the dream of your own

but I do know this life is hard without

a vision to call your own

 

I know I have typed more than usual

and maybe it makes no sense

it is just my opinion, and I stand by my words

this is just my 2 cents.

 

 

 

 

 


Sometime

Me desistí del gran secreto

Que nos permita talvez añadir

Cién letras más al alfabeto

Y tengo fe al predecir

Que alguna vez habrá palabras

Que expresarán lo que quiero decir

Y habrá una balada

Que cantará la ilusión

Que hay en mi

Que alguna vez tendremos alas

Para volar, volar y volar

Y al terminar cada jornada

En una estrella

Poder descansar

 

You have told of the grand seacret

You might have permited us to aument

Without leters let alone an alpheebt

Still I have faith in what I say

Some day there will be te words

That express what I have to say

Someday there will be a ballad

that sings the illusion

that is me

Sometime we will have wings

To fly, and fly and fly

and at the end of every days journy

upon a star

we will find rest

 

We are aware of the grand secret

That we might have even have to augment

No leters to realy upon let alone an alphebet

Still I have faith when I say

Some day there will be the words

So that my intentions will be heard

Someday there will be a ballad

that sings the illusion

that is me

Sometime we will have wings

To fly, fly and fly

and at the end of journying

upon a star

we will find rest.

Spring is Near

 

it is cold, the sky is gray

soon spring will be on its way

the plants will grow

the words will sing

telling of the sun

summer will bring

cook outs, fireworks, and longer days

bricklayers making better pay

for now just sit and bide some time

enjoy the sunshine in your mind


The Waterfall In My Mind

 

Spring is when the mountains cry

for part of it is melting away

Tear by tear, inch by inch

a river begins to live again

 

life is removed from the mountain

as erosion takes its toll

but the tears are tears of joy

as the river looses control.

 

Every year the mountain has been patient,

the mountain is patient still

for each year nature shows

there is beauty in that there hill.

 

The flow it is raging

with caps of white and all.

Mother nature is carefully staging

the beauty of a water fall.

 

The edge of the mountain is cut just so

and this I know for certain

that no fabric known to man

will make a more elegant curtain.

 

The illusion is awesome from a distance

but as my boat gets near

The shear magnitude of the motion involved

causes excitement and raw fear.

 

Still I have to know

what it fells like on the other side

as I steer the craft with nerves of steel

it is a matter of pride.

 

WOW what a sight I have to remember

next time I come see this

to bring her along

it is perfect for a kiss.

 

I am sure they were here all along

and I was just too nervous to note.

Rainbows bright as any I have seen

all around my boat.

 

I feel as though I am Noah

and this would be my arc

and God himself is speaking to me

in the colors as bright as they are.

 

As I float away I am somewhat sad

I am leaving such majestic glory behind

the farther I go I know I will survive

thanks to the waterfall in my mind.


 

The Solution

 

 

 

Name: vic

Email: N/A

Subject: The solution

Date: Feb 08, 1999 at 08:52 EST

 

There was a day actually a night

that I decided to die

I knew that I would be happier

at least it was worth a try.

 

I took a 2 liter bottle

dissolved a bunch of stuff

anything I could find

that would kill me just enough

 

I succeeded I was dead

the monitors line was flat

my solution worked

how about that

 

for years I believed

I really was dead

when life is hell

it plays with your head.

 

Thank God you are alive

everyone would say

I hate that still

I hate it this day.

 

alas time passed, I healed

and I learned to smile

I even learned to dream

 

recently I have discovered

that dreams come true

if you have faith and you believe.

 

The solution ... the answer

the best angle to take

 

Lies not our perception

but rather the life we make

 

in our least significant prayers.

 

 

Your decisions are your own

to say death is not a choice

well that would be a lie,

One I cannot voice

 

but the way I see it

there will come a day

the door to life will close

why not fight just one more day

 

 

 

 


 

God’s Mistake.

 

Over here to your left

you will plainly see

God's mistake

that would be me

 

framed in indecision

unique and not quite right

lacking the will

to fight

 

notice the texture

the brush stokes are all wrong

his point of view is skewed

his stubbornness is very strong

 

Standing next to David

by Michael Angelo

his flaws almost laughable

any one would know

 

I shine like a star at night

David only glows

my eyes are proof of life

my windows to my soul

 

I can think of laughter

and I can think of pain

I can comfort a friend

I can be comforted again

 

I have God inside me

David well he does not

I love and I am loved

That really means allot

 

Angelo carved the perfect man

front stone he chiseled away

I sand before you a masterpiece

my imperfections make me that way.

 


The Brightest Star

 

Somewhere in the dark of night

there shines the brightest star

really really really bright

and really really far

 

Once this star was very faint

not much to see at all

less than a tiny drop of pain

the star was oh so small

 

Every night the star would wish

someday that it would be so

to shine brighter than the night before

the star wanted to grow

 

So, the little star ate every thing

that was on its plate

soon other stars were noticing

how the little star radiates

 

The star grew bigger and brighter

each and every passing night

and stronger and faster

the star soon took to flight

 

While other stars were falling

because they were so tired

the little star grew brighter

flying higher and higher

 

The star loved to play allot

dance and jump and sing

and when the star got way too hot

the star enjoyed resting

 

now . . .

 

Helping is what the brightest star

really likes to do

twinkling way up in the sky

all the long night through

 

Twinkle twinkle way up high

guiding ships across the sea

on the dark and starry nights

is where the brightest star will be

 

So when the sun has gone to sleep

after a long and busy day

take a look you might see

the brightest star so far away.

 

The End.

 

 


Creation

 

Creation is so simple

all you have to do

is simply apply talents

that have been afforded you

 

a sculptor sees a statue

in a hunk of rock

a chef conjures up tasty treats

with whatever he has got

 

a gardener turns an empty land

into a garden so serene

an artist approaches canvas

with visions yet unseen

 

a poet can write a poem

simply just because

a priest can write a sermon

worthy of applause

 

even an accountant

can create a tax return

teachers can create

so kids can learn

 

the list is endless

there is no doubt

that is what the

whole world is all about

 

creation is so simple

there is one link for what it is worth

every one that can create

can thank their mom for birth.

 

 

 

 


Another Ships Passing Poem

Theresa,

 

(Another Ships Passing Poem)

 

not so long ago, not as long as one would think

men would sail the waters alone

ships would traverse the seas for long periods of time

men would have only memories of home

 

once in a great while, I would imagine

a ship would be spotted from crows nest

even the least faithful on board either vessel

would pray no harm would be met

 

for a flag is only colors on a cloth

many times it did so deceive

pirates were a fact of life

an unfortunate reality

 

once it was clear to the captains

friends not foe were floating near

the celebration must have been clamorous

joyous and sincere

 

I am certain there were conversations

and ale to be had

alas too soon the ships would continue

on their previous path

 

sure the ships would sail

on their predetermined course

but thanks to their encounter

their spirit would be restored

 

So it was I imagine

a long long time ago

I suppose I could be wrong

but I really do not think so

 

a long few weeks have passed

our sails, and courses are set

to be honest in the years to come

much you have told me I probably will forget

 

but as I look at the stars at night

largely thanks to you

I will rest assured fighting the good fight

is what I want to do.


Poetic Rrefraction

I wasn’t satisfied with what I said

as to why I write this way

let me just take a sec and understand

to try to set the record straight

 

when I rhyme the words just flow

as if blood from my soul

I don’t have any choices

I have no control

 

the words are not what I want to say

the words are not organized in a special way

the words are not refined

the words are not in my mind

 

the words just flow

 

(I would have deleted the top part)

Poetic Refraction

 

I was told a long time ago

everyone has a rainbow inside

they are sometimes hard to see

because of vanity and pride

 

I must admit I am quite proud

and my rainbow is buried kinda deep

but when I write my poetry

it is my rainbow that you see

 

Vic.


My First Real Attempt at Suicide

 

I remember why I started town the road I am on

I wasn’t angry

I wasn’t depressed

I wasn’t feeling down

I just wanted to move on

I wanted to see what would happen

 

I knew that there was more to life

than the life that I was living

I thought that I was being fair

that the fates would be forgiving

 

I looked at my options

one at a time

long and hard

I did

every one took too much work

I just wanted to seize to live

 

then in a moment of enlightenment

I realized all I had to do

 

nothing

 

I would eat when I was hungry

I would sleep when I was tired

I was tired

I would bathe if I was dirty

my plan was so inspired

 

no more pills I reasoned

soon my condition would be such

that suicide will be so welcome

once I get our of touch

 

that was a thought that passed my mind

for a moment but not too long

because for a day or two

there was nothing wrong

 

I felt finer than I ever had

in a looooon long time

I knew that I was manic

but I did not seem to mind

 

I knew the crash was coming

I fear it is still to come

I know that I will soon find

that feeling is just too much

 

still I had a little hope

that dangerous water of the soul

I prayed so hard every conscious minute

that I was in control

 

I know my prayers were answered

because here I sit right now

at the cross roads of hell and earth

I decide where to go and how

 

I can drive my car to the doors

that will lead me back to where I was

or I can drive till I run out of gas

in more ways than one I suppose

 

live one minute at a time

is all that I can try

I am confident that I will revert

to my first real attempt of suicide

 

You see I set a plan in motion

long before today

I made a promise to myself

that I really don’t want to break

 

I reasoned that eternity

is a really really long time

and no one can say with certainty

what I am going to find

 

I will not go easy into that good night

I will fight and rage

I will die soon enough

hopefully of old age

 

okay technically that is not suicide

it is just the opposite I suppose

but I made a promise I will try to keep

and that’s the way it goes.

 

 

11/12/03 10:46:46 AM

I stopped taking my meds 8 days ago.

I don’t know why

I do not feel like apologizing. I do honestly feel it was due to several factors:

* the Ambilify had an effect of making me feel suicidal at night. I went to see the doc about this but it is only in hind sight that I can realize that the reason she didn’t see anything wrong is because the med was actually working. When I went to see her I was feeling normal. he funny thing about my suicidal thoughts was that it was more of a feeling than a conscious thought. so when the feeling was gone I had no reason to despair

or eve think about feeling bad. It is kinda like a every time I take my car to the mechanic complaining about that little wakka wakka noise it was making when I made the appointment to see him. well when I got in the garage there was no wakka wakka noise. He is a very competent mechanic

as my doctor is very competent too (as a doctor); but try as he did he could not recreate the noise or find out what was wrong. It turns out I need a new timing belt on my car because 20

000 miles later every time it rains I hear “wakka wakka” . One of theses days I am going to look into that.

* I need to have someone to talk to. someone that isn’t living with me that I can use as a soundboard. possibly a consoler

or something. I need the help of a trained professionals to guide me thru some of my life choices. I was seeing a consoler

but he kept asking me “what do you expect me to do?” I kept telling him all kinds of crap like -- help me find work

or find out how I am lacking as a person

or help me enlarge my social circle

but the truth was I don’t need someone that has an agenda in fixing me

but rather someone that is willing to listen to what is happening in my life and professionally talk to me about what it is they think.

* I need a social group. My family loves me I know that but there is a certain aspect of support they cannot provide. from a mental health aspect I need to be able to just relax and be around friends. I could probably write a book on this point from other angles.

 

I am really too tired and messed up to think. I do want to leave myself a note to look into possible solutions to these points I have mentioned because I know I will not be so motivated once I start my meds again.

 

I did start an exercise regime and I think it is good. I trying to work out every day

at least 10-20 minutes. I think I should stay on that.

 


 

 

Mistakes II

Mistakes

 

I want to cry I want to scream

I can't believe I let myself dream

not once did I even think to prepare

for the feeling of despair

that is failure

 

there was pride and vanity in my face

this blow really put me in my place

I had a bad day

that is all I can say

 

that is all it was

I stumbled on my way to the top

I fell and I stayed down

instead of getting up

 

I have worked so hard to become

the person I am now

I have fallen in the past

I have gotten up somehow

 

the choice is mime to get up tomorrow

and meet the challenge of the day

or in my self pity

let time and opportunity slip away

 

it isnt as easy as it my seem

I am bruised and I want to heal

but that is not my style

I am Victor an that is how I feel

 

I can cry later if I so desire

when there is something to cry about

what good is this bit of wounded pride

that I can do without

 

I have faith that God has a plan

for every breath I take

I pray that I have the faith to be strong

and learn from my mistakes

I Was to be a Millionaire

I was to be a millionaire

and mary a beautiful wife

kids

I would have at least two

that was to be my life

 

I was to write the greatest poem

this world has ever read

at least be published

just one book before I was dead

 

I was to have a good job

one that pays he bills

and lets me fly to see the ocean

just for the thrill

 

I was to write a song or two

in my spare time for fun

and take pleasure in the spotlight

as they soar to number one

 

I was to have a great big house

with a seven car garage

the dinner parties I would host

would never be very large

 

I was to have a bank account

that I wouldn’t even understand

and an accountant I could trust

to make sure there was cash on hand

 

I was to live a life so great

and never even cry

I see now “I was”

was just a lie.

 

 

 


I am Vic I am New Here

I am Vic

I am new here

I think better when I rhyme

it is not that I am casual

it is my expressive side

 

I was diagnosed Bipolar

October 26

1991

that was the day I first went manic

and life as I now know it begun

 

I was lucky to respond

to lithium right of the bat

it didnt take me months or years

to find out what I had

 

Bipolar I a textbook case

they said I would never work again

I have yet to prove the doctors wrong

but I will in the end

 

I was a rapid cycler

and it took me years to understand

that alcohol and medicine

dont go hand in hand

 

I spent 2 months in a psych ward

in 1994

I got allot of education

I received so much more

 

finally I saw a doctor

that didnt see me as a text book case

I was a person to her

she saw the pain in my face

 

She talked to me and listened

and got me on some meds

that to this day I take

each night when I go to bed

 

I have been a snow bird

for oh about seven years

never holding a job too long

because of my manic tears

 

This past year I have settled down

in Cleveland for a while

I want to make a friend or two

I want to live n style

 

I have my own problems

loneliness and depression at times

but I also have a family that loves me

they keep me doing fine

 

well

I have typed your ear off

I am sure we will talk again soon

I just wanted to say "HI-HO"

and that I wold love to hear from you.

 

Vic.

 

 


For Shame

 

many times I walk alone

even in among friends

wearing a finely crafted mask

I dare to pretend

 

I tell myself that no one can see

the horror in my eyes

I tell myself again

I know I lie

 

I can hear the whispers

I when my back is turned

I can feel the wind of change

fuel the torches that burns

 

the dance just seemed to happen

I did not write the song

life knocked me down a notch

but not for long.

 

slowly the sun is fading

the mask that I have made

time and time again

I have found no shade

 

In the Son’s light I can see

that I am not so bad

God made me in his image

that helps me when I am sad

 

now whenever I hear a whisper

I turn around and see

others are just talking

not even about me

 

the winds of change blow strongly

but they always have

the best thing I can do

is laugh

 

for what did I suffer

for what was so wrong

for what made me so weak

when I was so strong

 

for shame.

 


Another Weekend

 

another weekend will soon be here

officially at five

time to relax

time to unwind

time to be alive

 

maybe I will do nothing at all

that sounds kinda nice

if I like doing nothing one day

I may just do it twice

 

maybe I will catch a matinee

there are some movies I want to see

maybe I will just buy a pizza

and rent a DVD

 

maybe I will do some laundry

I suppose I really should

my closet is quite empty

yes

laundry would be good

 

maybe I will see the game

at a local sports bar

win or lose I will have fun

that is how Browns fans are

 

Friday night

Saturday

and Sunday

What am I to do?

I can’t wait to find out

how about you?

 


Workitis

 

to be invisible

in plain light

to be darkness

in the night

to live

to only exist

to love

without a kiss

to work each day

eight to five

a paycheck proves

I am alive

taxes are paid

each week I am told

week by week

I get old

someday I will look back

someday I will see

the lack of vision I have

the missed opportunities

today I sleep till it is night

then I sleep some more

when I wake I go to work

just like the day before

not for money

not for fame

just for something to do

what a shame

What to do

What to do

 

when I was young I was told

by a man of wealth and means

that to be successful and happy

I had to stop wearing jeans

 

I had to grow up

I had to fly right

I had to make money

every day

every night

My Father told me it wasn’t so.

 

models and movie stars

told me the secret to success

was to work on your looks

and spend money on your dress

 

I had to stop eating

I had to work out each day

I had to turn the man in the mirror

into a Greek god of clay

My Father told me it wasn’t so.

 

eat laugh and be merry

for tomorrow there may be none

that was bliss for me

existing to have fun

 

I had to feel good

I had to eat

I had to consume

to be complete

My Father told me it wasn’t so.

 

there she was

standing in my head

happiness was life with her

without her I was dead

 

I had to have her

I had to dream her

I had to think her

she was perfect

My Father told me it wasn’t so.

 

One day I was infuriated

because I was right

determine to win

I was going to fight

 

I had to fight

I had to kill

I had to enforce

my stubborn will

My Father told me it wasn’t so.

 

to die and pay taxes

was all I had to do

after all nothing ever changes

into what I want it to

 

I had to do nothing

I had everything I need

I has only to exist

like a naturally planted seed.

My Father told me it wasn’t so.

 

Gates had so much money

Britny looks so fine

Banderas has all the ladies

their lot in life is so much better than mine

 

I had to be better than him

I had to have his dream

I had to have the latest and greatest

that is the way it seemed

My Father told me it wasn’t so.

 

 

My Father is in heaven

His name is holy indeed

He delivers me from evil

He gives me all I need

He is patient and forgiving

He as taught me to be the same

He is in control of what

I should do today.


This Particular Moment

 

this particular moment

is not the best time in my life

I am unemployed

living with my folks

at 36 that cuts like a knife

 

I don’t exactly fit the image

of a model on TV

I guess I should just get over it

I am fat and I will always be

 

I cant seem to get motivated

to find a job

to lose some weight

I try

I think of my failed attempts

and I don’t feel so great

 

My friend this is the moment

the instant I will point to

some day in the future

that I started saying “I DO”

 

I will say “I CAN”

I will say “I WILL”

I will say “I AM WORTH IT”

 

I am tired of feeling tired

I am tired of feeling pain

and I know that some days

all I will want to do is complain

 

I am bipolar it is true

that means I can get away

with doing hardly nothing

each and every day

 

but I am also ME

I know that a positive thought

can get me out of bed

as good as any med that I bought

 

at this particular moment

I feel the fire of hope burn

and tomorrow I start living

because it is MY TURN.


 

Spring Daze

 

 

when you look out your window

at another beautiful spring day

wishing you could just get up

and go outside to play

 

try to remember the trials

try to remember the pains

try to remember the troubles

when you were only eight

 

Life was oh so unfair

nobody listened to you

no one seemed to care

about your point of view

 

sitting in a desk

the spring day is so inviting

what was so important

about reading and writing

 

Now you sit behind a desk

when the day is so nice

I suppose that growing up

does come with a price

 

oh but what a bargain:

 

two great children

their love and respect

friends that say kind words of you

and a schedule that’s a mess

(I would love a messy schedule)

 

A job albeit a hard one

that brings home food and more

a fighting spirit

and your sense of humor

 

you have your looks and fashion sense

your wit and sarcastic mind

I could type forever

but I do have a point to find

 

Oh yeha I remember

the window and the great day outside

and helping you feel better

that to that desk you are tied

 

I cant change the fact

that you yearn to run and play

I only hope some sunlight

shines on your blessings today

 

 


Sleepless

another sunrise

starts another day

more energy pulses

thru my tired veins

 

I get out of bed

as I did the day before

knowing the sleep I need

is not what is in store

 

I have to laugh

I have to pretend all is right

knowing that I survived

yet another sleepless night

 

I hear people talk

it makes no sense

when I walk

I am on a fence

when I breath it hurts

my muscles remain ever tense

I look okay

under false pretense

 

the sun sets

evening starts

energy surges

thru my tired heart

 

I envy the day

that has just gone by

I envy the fact

that the day did die

 

I want to sleep

I need to sleep

I want to stop breathing

it hurts

 

my muscles ever tense

I want to feel nothing

 

1:30 in the morning

I type a stupid poem

energy fills my head

I think my hair needs to be combed

 

I have taken all my meds

and drank my herbal tea

meditated to soft music

after doing Tai Chi

earlier today I did exercise

so that I would get tired

and my muscles feel the pain

I am wired for the moment

it is hard to explain

 

I want to sleep

I will sleep

I sleep

eventually

I am tired.

 

 


Winter Mood

I have to wear so many clothes

just to go outside

winter seems such a bummer

looking thru my eyes

 

soon the snow starts falling

and then my cousin comes to play

we make the bestest snowman

on a sunny winters day

 

I can hear her laughter

on the crystals of her breath

as she hits me with a snowball

my clothes are all soaking wet

 

suddenly I am seeing winter

from a different point of view

the cold can be invigorating

depending what I do

 

the hot coco tastes so good

with little marshmallows and all

I forgot all about

summer

spring

and fall

 

it took a little child

to teach me this lesson but good

it is not the day on the calendar

that dictates my mood.

 

Vic


A Day in the Life

 

I want to write about the times

that are not really so bad

the moments that life is good

and I am not feeling sad

 

but for some unspoken reason

those ideas never seem to sell

ordinary life is ordinary

there is nothing much to tell

 

to wake up in the morning

tired from a long peaceful sleep

wanting 9 more minutes

then into the bathroom I creep

 

I wash my face I brush my teeth

I get dressed and eat breakfast too

late for work I rush into my car

only to get caught up in the morning slew

 

I make it to work in time

and before I know it is time for lunch

I eat a fast food burger

I know I shouldn’t do that too much

 

I stare at the clock I swear it is stuck

on ten minutes until five

tired from the days activities

I enjoy my afternoon drive

 

I cook myself some dinner

healthy as I can

catch the evening news

it is going to be sunshiny/rainy/ cloudy again

 

I get my stuff together

and make it to the gym

sweat for a half hour

I’m trying to get thin

 

My favorite television show is on

at 9 o’clock on the television set

I race home to catch it

in my Lazyboy I sit

 

I go outside to admire the stars

it is time for bed

today was a good day

I just thought this had to be said.

 


A Journal Entry 12-8-04

 

it seems like a long long time ago

I was having a realy really hard time

I didn’t think I had anything that mattered

I thought I could have been sold for a dime

 

now I am not sure what has changed

I feel better I feel good

I feel like I am worth soooo much

I think that is just understood

 

my days are full

at night I sleep

rarely do I stop

and think I want to weep

 

I would be lying if I said

that my life was perfect as could be

I still am a bit of a loner

I guess that is just me

 

I would rather have

no friends at all

than just a bunch of names in a phone book

that I never call

 

I am not lonely though

not most of the time

I suppose that is the way

I was made by the one divine

 

all in all I am okay

I like the way life is going

I liked the things I did today

all in all my life is flowing

 

 

 

 


All I Want

well I just erased a long pity party that I a sure would have been appropriate to post

but in retrospect

I am doing okay. I am not particularly depressed at the moment

and I have shelter in my parents house at the moment. I have the desire to lose the weight that I blame all my social problems on. I know there are millions that are looking for work right now

like me. I have things under control

and everything is really okay enough

but there is a HUGE part of me that is screaming in tears because I want more.

 

Thanks for listening

Vic

 

I am lucky to be alive

able to survive

but life is so much more

than hat I have

I want to do more than cry

I want to laugh

I want to do more than complain

I want to sing

I want to do more than feel pain

I want to dance

I want to do more than sleep all day

I want to play

I want to see more people

I want to talk

I want to see more people

I want to listen

I want to do more by the end of the day

I want to have a say

 

to laugh

to sing

to dance

to play

 

to talk

to listen

to have something to say

 

that is all I want.

Back Again


Back Again

 

I have been here before

for my good mood wont last

I prepare for tomorrow carefully

tomorrow will go by so fast

 

I will try to clean the mess

I have made of my life

I one step at a time

I will take care of past strife

 

I will call an old friend

we will talk for some time

I will dance in the evening

till the morning chimes

 

tomorrow is a blessing

I know that is true

I have so many things

that I want to do

 

because I cannot be certain

when the dark moods will come

. . . the dark moods will come

 

I cannot waste energy

thinking about

the things I now have

I will soon have to do without

 

I must remain focused

I must remain clear

for the moment I am happy

I must not introduce fear

 

if after tomorrow

I am still feeling glad

oh the thing I can accomplish

that wont be so bad

 

thank you for listening

I do hope that you are glad

that a moment of sunshine

is now being had

 

if I could I would break

a piece off for you

I can't so I hope

a smile will do

 

:)


Breathe

 

I have read some posts

to painful to recall how many

and fear that my futile words

wont even be wroth a penny

 

I have been at the edge

more than a time or two

and know that reality is

a bit misconstrued

 

life it seems is an option

it seems so simple at the time

but this is not a simple task

hence the tears

the pain

and things are not fine

 

clichés don’t work I wont try

rhetoric about permanent solutions

and you know about the loved ones

and the emotional pollution

 

please take a minute

and just sit and breathe

I know it is hard

but do this much for me

 

breathe in breathe out

for a stranger wit a tear in his eye

breathing hurts I know

but please just try

 

don’t think about tomorrow

don’t think about yesterday

don’t think about the sorrow

don’t think about the pain

 

just think about the air

that is entering you right now

and think about the air

that is going out

 

that is right think of the mechanics

that is a human life

the miracle that is joy

the miracle that is strife

 

know that like the air

that you cant taste or see

there is a reason

for you to be

 

 

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

Copyright © 2004 Victor Venero

 

 


Do not Count on it

 

do not count the minutes

for darkness know no time

as quickly as it entered

it can leave your mind

 

do not count your tears

for the pain will surely stay

if obsession fills your heart

and all hope goes astray

 

do not count on others

for they may not understand

words can sometimes wound

in the guise of a helping hand

 

do not count on medicine

pills can only do so much good

sometimes they don’t work

quite the way they should

 

do not count on unanswered prayers

for the answer may be no

God’s wisdom with all his power

doesn’t always show

 

do not count on anything

to pull you from despair

except for the assurance

that the darkness will not always be there

 

 

I have been feeling down for a long time. I cant remember quite how long

but I know it has been a looooooong time since I really laughed

or enjoyed doing stuff. There have been times I have felt less down than others

but I know that brighter days are ahead

I just hope they are not too far off.

 

Vic.


Freak Show

come on come all pay the price

to see the freak on display

it is worth the cost of admission

on this special day

 

I waited with my bated breath

to see the abomination

I was ready to be so scared

I was really loosing my patience

 

I saw the curtain rise

only to find a crowd

screaming and covering their eyes

and saying "My God" really loud

 

I got up to complain

I wanted a refund

the curtain came back down

before I was done

 

I could not leave

I was in a cage

bars made of diagnosis’s

 

stigmas

and rage

 

Every day would come and go

I would be on display

soon I started putting on a show

it was like a play

 

I began to believe the carnival barker

when he called me names

and I would take every comment personal

I felt I was to blame

 

till one fateful afternoon

there were loving eyes in the crowd

people that cared for me

I did not know why or how

 

I knew that to these people

I was actually quite strong

I opened the door to my cage

it was unlocked all along

 

 

 

Stef

 

I feel like a freak because I dont work too. but talking to my family I realize I am really quite strong

just because of the fight I have fought for the years. I do hold the hope that some day someone will realize that I am a very capable person that has a few unique problems.

 

I do not profess to know your situation

but if you are indeed living in a glass box then I hope you see the sunshine now and again :-)

 

Vic


Gloomy Moments

 

it is hard to take off the grease paint

that shows the world a smile

but that is exactly what you have to do

every once in a while

 

let your hair down

it is okay to frown

that does not make you bad

it only means you are sad

 

in your moments of weakness

try not to forget

that every action has a reaction

try not to regret

 

I wish I could give you a huge hug

and show you that I care

all I can do is write my silly poem

and let you know I am here

 

vic


Goodbye

If this is the last time

that you will hear my voice

then I have to say goodbye

using words of my choice

 

I will try to choose the nicest words

that come into my mind

even though nice thoughts

are kinda hard to find

 

I am thinking that you may

not ever say hello again

and here I was just starting

to look forward to calling you friend

 

I know that you didnt know me

very well but that was about to change

then you dropped from my radar

I didnt hear from you again

 

now it seems you feel that

you are not worth that much

I have to disagree

I have to keep you in touch

 

you may not have hugs for a stranger

you may not even have caring thoughts for friends

but you have the heart you were bourn with

and now it is hurting you to no end

 

maybe it is time

for you to lie in the couch

and tell us what is going on

what life is all about

 

let me feel good for once

because I have helped someone

let us try to comfort you

let us help you find the sun

 

if you decide that this is

just goodbye for good

then may God bring you happiness

you deserve it

that is understood.

 

Vic


Grant Me Strength

 

I woke up this morning to a brand new day

I opened my mouth I had something to say

 

“good morning” was all I heard

“I’m just fine” I couldn’t believe my words

 

I knew there was a storm brewing inside me

clouds of despair so dark that I could barely see

 

I knew that it was just a matter of time

till my outlook on life would be worth less than a dime

 

I wanted to tell my very best friend

but I don’t have a friend to tell

I wanted to tell my family

that I was starting to feel like hell

 

I wanted to scream and dance and show

that I was not doing too good

I wanted to I know I did

I really think I should

 

silence filled my voice today

silence filled my day

maybe tomorrow the clouds will pass

and all this will be a mute point anyway

 

I can fell the way I feel

and wear a greasepaint smile

and if I find myself in the pit

it will only be for a while

 

soon the sun will shine again

I will be silent because I have nothing to say

soon I will be happy

soon I will play

 

I pray

 

Lord please give me strength to endure

the times I am going thru

Lord please let the time pass quickly

so I can do what I have to do

Lord please let me not be a burden

to those that love me so much

Lord let me not lose my sanity

Lord help me stay in touch

Please give me peace to sleep

once in every while

please Lord grant me the strength

to somehow try to smile

Lord if it is not too much trouble

please make my path straight

and guide me through my darkest hours

in Your name I pray.

 

vic


Hi my Name is Victor

Hi my name is Victor

I used to come here allot

I used to give advice sometimes

usually advice was what I got

 

I do look forward to reading

about all of the people here

sharing laughter when I am manic

when I am depressed I will share a tear

 

right now I am not doing so bad

well I have been much worse

it feels good to be back at WOM

and typing in my silly verse.

hopeless

hopeless

the history books will never

even mention my name

up until thins moment

I was sure I was destined for fame

 

I thought I was going to write

a book or maybe invent a doo dad

I was going to make millions of dollars

I was not going to become too bad

 

I know

that I have no skills

I have no real plans

so probably I never will

 

I will probably live my life

dependant on SSDI

and on those that love me

at least until they die

 

I am and will forever be

a burden to society

maybe it would be best

if I were laid to rest

 

vic


How Do I Feel

I cant seem to explain

I dont feel right now

I want to tell someone

but I dont know how

 

I dont feel happy

I dont feel sad

I dont feel good

I dont feel bad

I dont feel normal

I dont feel sick

I dont feel

I dont feel anything

 

I want to write

such beauty and prose

but I cant feel the words

thats the way it goes

 

this too will pass

like the winter cold

then I will feel

maybe I will just feel old

 

maybe I will feel

like I dont want to be

maybe I will feel

pain and suffering

 

at least I will be

able to say

how I feel

on that day.

Hunger to die

Hunger to die

 

I woke up in the morning

I was starved to be dead

I wanted so much to die

at least I did in my head

 

I am not suicidal

I have never really been

just form time to time

I want to do myself in

 

the urge it is quite real

even though I know I wont act

is it fair that I have

this monkey on my back?

 

I feel like I am starving

and I really really want food

but there is no food around

I go without it is just understood

 

every waking moment

I know the urge is there

but I try not to let it bother me

I try not to care

 

I dare not think of eating

of the dish that I desire

for if I do I will forever burn

for eternity in hells fire

 

I hope that I can sleep

I know that I soon will

thanks to the magic

of my Benadryl

 

I will dream of suicide

my tears will wake me once more

at the moment just before I wake

I wonder if I was dead before

 

my first waking breath I feel

the hunger in my soul

dreading yet another day

I must not lose control

 

I am a good kid

at the age of thirty-six

I will hunger in silence

I can get past this


 

I Can Leap Thru Fire

I can leap thru fire

and never feel the burn

till I have had time to think

then I stop and learn

 

I can deal with pressure

the more the better I deal

but it isnt till all is calm

that I start to feel

 

I know that I should crumble

when bad things happen to me

I dont I

I really want to

but I dont you see

 

I want to scream

I want to cry

I want to feel

like I want to die

 

I want to feel compassion

right there and then

I dont and that bugs me

to no end

 

and the feeling of living

as if I was on another world

I thought that just happened to me

the felling is terrible

 

the knowing that I will break down

is little consolation

I think the knowledge is bad

it just ads to my frustration

 

I can type all the words I want

and none will really do any good

because I know what you are asking for

Ian I would give it to you if I could

 

I would tell you the secret

that would make everything just fine

but when I am in limbo times

I just lose my mind

 

I make sure I do my house work

I make sure to keep my job

I try to look presentable

at least not look like a slob

 

I pass the time as you are doing

and you are doing great

I hope by the time you read this

my words will come too late

 

Vic.


I Dont Want To Sleep

I don’t want to sleep

I know that if I do

all my energy

will fall thru

I am so exhausted

my body aches in pain

I don’t want to sleep

I must be insane

I am not really tired

I have energy to spare

I can stay awake for days

but I don’t want to go there

I guess I will take

a couple Benadryl

let my body aches

be cured again by a pill

I don’t want to sleep

but night is wasting fast

I don’t want to sleep

but I am running outta gas

soon I will just be confused

I have been this way before

thinking I am razor sharp

but not making sense no more

I will forget to finish sentences

I will forget to start them at all

I will hear voices from beyond the fences

I start my fall

I have been so good for so long

I don’t want to mess that up

but I don’t want to sleep

I just don’t want to stop

I am on the verge

of feeling oh so great

mania is so seductive

like lines on a mirrored plate

I want to taste the euphoria

I want to just once more

but alas I will just go to bed

and be “healthy” just once more

I don’t want to sleep

that is in my head

but I don’t want to wake up

in a hospital bed

 


I Just Pray

 

I read the posts

from so many in pain

I want to care

but I refrain

 

for what if I say something wrong

something that is not nice

I cannot take it back

upon thinking twice

 

I have the best intentions

I want to help I really do

but there are so many here that know how to say

words that sing so true

 

there are people here that know what to say

and when to say nothing at all

so I just remember in my prayers

all that I can recall

 

 


I’m Back

 

it has been a long long while

since I last posted here

I stopped coming for a spell

the reasons are not all to clear

 

I think I was acting the part

of a disabled person way too much

I had to take some time

just to get in touch

 

I had to see that my problems

are not all about depression

some in fact many are due

to the recent recession

 

I also had to realize

that I am capable of living life

I can handle the glory

I can handle the strife

 

I am back now and I want to help

in any way I can

I am bipolar but I am much more

I am a living man

 

I do have my problems still

I will probably share them too

and then I will be looking for comfort

and answers or maybe a clue

 

for now I am just going to say

it feels good to be back here

I look forward to celebrating Thanks Giving

and Christmas

and the New Year

 

Vic


Imperfect

Ayame.

 

sometimes when I look in the mirror

imperfections are all I see

all my vision is drawn to

my huge abnormalities

 

is it a trick of light

or is it a sad reality

that I cant look into the mirror

and see the real me

 

I cant see my smile

I cant even see my tears

I focus on my scars

I focus on my fears

 

I am afraid that is just who I am

like it or not

mirrors will never be my friends

I must rely on thoughts

 

the times that I have helped someone

when they were feeling down

and the memories of when I myself

made a smile from a frown

 

the times I forgot who I was

on the dance floor at night

when I laughed with my friends

and such memories of delight

 

I am beautiful

so are you

I can say tat without any doubt

not because of as stupid mirror

We are beautiful! I can shout

 

because beauty is not determined

by the beast that lies within

but rather by the heartbeat

that lets our sun shine in

 

I have heard it said

more than once and it is true

that Love

true love

is found in the imperfections in you

 

vic

 

I am not certain that makes any sense

but I am trying to say that cameras and mirrors sometimes only show us 2 dimensional imperfections. In the real world I now people as imperfect as they come and I love them so why cant I seem to give them credit for being able to love me even though I dont look like a picture from a magazine?


 

Just Keep Breathing

Judy

 

the times that we must be

stronger than we ever thought we could

are the times that our resolve

is not always all that very good

 

when failure is not an option

at least not one that we like to talk about

is when want to cry

when we want to break down and shout

 

the pressure of doing right

sometimes makes us want to stop the fight

 

but rage sweet rage is instinct in your heart

it is not pretty it is not wise and it is not very smart

 

knowing deep inside that you are YOU

is all you really need to make it through

 

maybe you wont look the best in some people's eyes

maybe you will have to sit right down and do nothing

maybe you it will look to some like you did not even try

but in your heart of hearts you know you will win

-- just keep breathing.

 

Vic.

 

Judy

 

I do hope by the time you read this you are feeling better

but if not all I was trying to type was that even if you do nothing but breathing you have attained victory over the beast that was tormenting you when you first posted.

 

 


Life is Life

 

look at life not like a journey

but rather like a play

that lives a different scene

every single day

 

some scenes are happy

some are sad

some are written well

some are written bad

 

most are inconsequential

the really are just fillers at best

but then are those days that we remember

that make our life a test

 

the sunny day that for no reason

kinda sticks in my mind

the rainy day I was not happy

and I wasn’t very kind

 

the day I graduated

and the day I fell in love

are just a few scenes that

I am talking of

 

the play has more than one stage

and there are certainly more than one line

to the story and the plot

than I can sit and define

 

there are definitely more than three acts

life has its twists and turns

and defiantly it take several days

to get some lessons learned

 

so maybe this is not a play

because there are no curtain calls

maybe life is just life

after all


Life's Honey

I am an old grown man

living with my folks

tell me the punch line if you can

of my life that is a joke

 

I am not laughing

it is not funny

I don’t think it is

to live a life

without any honey

to merely exist

 

life’s honey is so sweet

at least so I am told

the taste makes life complete

the taste makes life bold

 

sweetness oh sweet sweetness

where are you today

I can’t even remember

how sweet sweetness tastes

 

I am worthless at least worth less

than I thought life had in store

I will sleep I will eat

then I will sleep some more

 

the sooner I get thru my skin

that mine is not the lot

to be very happy deep within

and what I have is what I got

 

the sooner I will realize

that I am what I am

mentally disabled

genetically damned

 

that day is some day far away

because I refuse to believe

everything that people say

that is bad about me

 

I am capable of feeling pain

I know I can cry

and if I can feel then I know

I can feel quite high

 

I know I can taste life

I know that I can

I can deal with strife

I am a capable man

 

right now I am feeling blue

but this some day will pass

someday I will be a man

with honey in his glass

 

Vic

 




Love's Sunrise

 

there is a darkness

it is the night

insecurity and fear

live in delight

 

there is no time

no way to tell

when the sun will shine

but believe me it will

 

the sun will rise

and when it does

the day will be brighter

just because

 

because there is light

because there is love

because there is warmth

because there is love

because there is life

because there is love

because there is comfort

because there is love

 

love may sometimes

seem so far away

but when it seems it is the farthest

love shines on a brand new day

Making the cut

Making the cut

 

winning sometimes feels like everything

sometimes losing does too

that is when life seems dark

and we are feeling blue

 

it is not whether you win or lose

that matters much in the end

it is the role that you play

the impact you make on your loved ones and friends

 

if you feel like you have been in the crowd

not even chosen for a team

or if you feel like you can’t wake up

from a really really bad dream

time will take care of that

I know what I am talking about

because not too long ago I was the one

that swallowed silent tears and shouts

 

I thought I was too weak to play

this game that most call life

I was going to end it all

with pills instead of a knife

 

I couldn’t see that I was just scared

I could not see too straight at all

because I was alone

I was alone or so I thought

 

A minute passed

maybe it was a day

maybe it was a week

I can’t really quite say

 

the point is that time passed

and somehow I feel different

maybe not to much better

but I feel passion

 

I am still a bit down

I would be lying if I said I was not

but somehow life -- the game

is within me trying to get out

 

 

Chameleon

 

all it takes to make the team is the courage to keep on breathing. and believe me it isnt always fun

and every "game isn't a happy victory

and I live in Cleveland so I know every season isnt meant to be our team's year to make it to the championship but there ARE victories. and as your lows can make you forget all the good moments there are good times that make you forget all the bad times.

 

 

Vic.


Never Quitting

 

It has been a long while

since I wrote a poem

that said anything special

that brought any point home

 

but I am not going to quit

trying to write you see

not as long as I can type

not as long as I can breath

 

I will keep typing

I will keep rhyming

even if my messages

need help in their timing

 

maybe the poems wont be

the best ever written

but when I look back

I know they will fit in

 

I know that each rhyme

that I could not make work

will tell me just how I felt

even if I felt like a jerk

 

the point is to not quit

to try and move on

till my passion for writing

once again sees the sun

 

vic




One More Time

 

I have a bit of energy

I have a bit of drive

I have a bit of courage

I am going to give it one more try

 

Once more I will try …

…to lose some weight

…to find a girlfriend

…to find a better job

…to wake up early

…to exercise

…not to look like a slob

 

I know I will fail

I have failed so many times before

but I will try because it makes me feel

like I am doing something more

 

I feel like I am more

one more time :)

 

 


Online Dating Ad

strange that as we are/

we would probably never meet/

unless I can find the words/

to make your heart skip a beat/

 

I have to first convince you/

that my words are true/

and that is simply not/

an easy thing to do/

 

I am sure you have the lines/

like “Have we met before?”/

and maybe you are convinced/

that most men are rotten to the core/

 

I am not most men/

you have never met me yet/

giving me the benefit of the doubt/

I doubt you will regret/

 

alas your heart I did not forget/

I was on a mission to alter its pace/

I regret that I cannot/

for a heart is personal space/

 

till I get a note from you/

my poetic hands are truly tied/

till I get a note from you/

I cannot even make you sigh/

 

prayers answered

I have almost forgotten

the times I prayed …

…for energy just to get out of bed

…for the thoughts to get out of my head

…that I could smile again

…that I could be a friend

 

all my prayers were answered

My meds are doing well

now it is up to me

to simply walk out of hell

 

one step at a time

time and time again

will lead me to a better place

and I will have forgotten

 

I pray…

… for something to do

… for a job I can keep

… to manage my time

… to get just eight hours sleep

 


Sleep Like There is a Bright Tomorrow

 

Every once in a while

I feel like I can win

an on the odd occasion

I finish what I begin

 

I am starting to feel that way right now

and I must admit

it feels really great

I feel like I am not going to quit

 

I think I am going to loose some weight

I think I am going to start walking strait

I feel like I can start dressing with style

I feel like I am going to start to smile

I know I have to take a chance

I know I hear the music and I have to dance

 

In all likelihood

this is just a passing phase

in all likelihood

morning will come my mood will change

but for a minute

for right now

I fell great

I think I am allowed

 

to sleep like there is a bright tomorrow

Vic


Special Poem

I love you more than a thousand roses

love the light of a summers day

when I see you my heart just mealts

in such a special way

 

when you speak I swear I hear angles

accompanying your gentle voice

when you are near I am so glad

I just want to rejoice

 

your smile is one that can brighten up

any gloomy room

when you are gone I swear I can still smell

the fragrance of your perfume

 

when you are gone oh what a joke

for you are always in my mind

I could see your pretty face

even if I were to go blind

 

but please don’t leave for too long

for I miss you when we part

you see you own most of me

including my heart

 

someday soon I know I will be able to say

these words to a real live gal in a special way

I will look into her loving eyes and maybe see a tear

because she loves me too that will be so clear

someday soon I have no doubt that I will be in love

I have so much to offer so many things I cant even think of

if there is a God and I know there is I will find a friend

I will have some special poems to write I will then

 

vic


Strong Enough

I know you may be strong enough

to wear a greasepaint smile

for everyone that loves you

that is your strength -- your style

 

but

if someone that you loved

had a thorn in their toe

wouldn't you pull it out

you would this I know

 

you my friend have a thorn

stuck inside your brain

it causes you an indescribable

not so obvious pain

 

talking offers some relief

but you have to find the souls

that can listen to you

and not lose control

 

I know that it is scary

to reveal weaknesses we have

the fear of disapproval

the fear that someone might laugh

 

but it is scarier

hiding this pain alone

so give credit to a loved one

the next time you are on the phone

 

Good luck

 

Vic

 


Thakyou for Choosing Life

 

I just want to say thank you

for not taking the darker road

for being here beside me

for carrying the load

 

I know I could not stop you

from ever doing yourself harm

any more that I could understand

why in death you found charm

 

I cannot place into so many words

the relief that I feel

knowing that you live today

knowing your life is real

 

so if I do not say the words

that make you know I care

forgive me for I almost lost you

and now I am really scared

 

I do care unconditionally

it should be said more often

that might ease your painful moments

at least make life less rotten


The Flower

 

most nights I sit doing my best impression

of a flower on the wall

I hope that when it comes to talking

my name will not be called

 

I am so comfortable in my chair

it is so cozy and soft

I am comfortable in my silence

listening to others talk

 

it is cool how the evening unfolds

before my very ears

how with support and encouragement

Living Miracles can stomp on fears

 

I stand here doing my best impression

of a flower that wants to grow

but before I blossom

my roots must take you know

The Friendship Journey Begins


The Friendship Journey Begins

 

getting to know a stranger

gets stranger day by day

I used to just go out to my sand box

and ask if you wanted to play

 

then there were the notes

the teacher never seen

how naive romance was

when I was just a teen

 

“can I buy you a drink”

I think I remember saying

never thinking about

the games that I was playing

 

now I have email

a cell phone and café’s

modern conveniences

to keep up with a modern pace

 

I wouldn’t change a thing

even if I could turn back time

my memories and experiences

are unique

they are mine

 

I sit here typing wondering

what exactly might be

as I take the first step

in a friendship journey

 

 

the little voice


The Little Voice

 

listen to the little voice

the one that brought you here

the one that has a little smile

the lost voice of your cheer

 

dont tell me that you dont have one

becaue I know that you do

it is just WAY way way deep inside

the real you

 

the person that you really are

not the beast that has you down

look hard for that voice

really look around

 

look under the cushions

in the living room

look near and far

look beneath the broom

 

lool like it is the car keys

that you have recently lost

because this voice is more important

it has a higher cost

 

the point is not to find the voice

the pont is just to look around

becaue keeping busy is the key

to lifting yourself off the ground

 

we both know that in time

the voice will ring loud and clear

till that moment comes

do not give in to fear

 

I hope by the time you read this

you will be felling better

and this rhyme will just be an exercise

an encouraging letter

 

vic.


The Rut

 

at times it seems like there will be no tomorrow

at times I wish there weren’t

it is times like these I feel so bad

yet know not exactly where I hurt

 

I want to scream but I did that once

it wasn’t the best two weeks

I spent them in a psych ward

feeling like a freak

 

I want to cry but my tears won’t fall

I hate that I really do

I mean maybe if I could just weep for a while

maybe my sadness would be thru

 

I want to sleep all day and all night

but I get hungry when I lie in bed to long

I want to sleep forever

but suicide is wrong

 

“I know that if I just keep breathing”

“this to will pass away”

“and I will be feeling better”

that is what I say

 

I say it every morning

I say it throughout the day

I say it before I go to sleep

I say it in different ways

I say it in the shower

I say it at my meals

I say it and say it and say it some more

in hopes that it will be real

 

but I have stopped believing

I don’t think that I should

but a decade and a half is long enough

for my words to become good

 

Vic

 

It is true that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over

while expecting different results. I am not sure what I am going to do different

but I do know I have to stop expecting to get better and start making it happen.

think of sleep


Think of Sleep

 

think of a springtime valley

a serene place that you know

where you can just relax and sit

and let your worries go

 

think of a powerful waterfall

that nature took centuries to build

picture the rush and spray of water

overcoming your will

 

think of the perfect sunny day

and all the things you can do

like ride your bike and play ball

and swim if you want too

 

think of a secret garden

your own private thinking spot

notice how beautiful

all the plants have got

 

think about the numbers

how one comes before two

and think about this relationship

if that is what helps you

 

think of a story that you knew

when you were just a child

if you can remember the words

that would be just wild

 

think about a movie

that you saw not to long ago

and how the maiden was saved

by the dashing hero

 

close your eyes if you can

if you can’t just let them be

know that prayers are said on your behalf

in hopes that you finally sleep

 


To Fight Again

There comes a time I have to say

God just put me together this way

 

my weakness

my strengths

my character

my faults

this is the hand I was dealt

no more can any pill solve

 

I am not to wait till I get better

I am not so bad off right now

I can engage in life’s battles

at least I do know how

 

sure I will be afraid

there is a good chance I will lose

especially with the frame of mind

that I currently choose

 

if I lose so be it

I will fight again

each defeat I will not regret

I will learn my friend

 

I will change my frame of mind

the best that I know how

to one that will make me the victor

that I am destine to be right now

 

I can feel the passion

pulsing thru my veins

I know I can learn

to fight again

 

Okay it is a bit messed up and at times it doesn’t even make sense

but all that is really necessary for a call to arms is that it motivates one to fight

and that is what I m desperately trying to do.


Today Something Snapped

today something snapped

I am not sure what it was

I was told by my trainer

that inner beauty and personality is important

 

I have the energy to do

whatever has to be done

I have the drive to finish

my work in progress

 

a work in progress

that is what I have become

all the while waiting for that day

that I am finally done

 

well I am done right now I tell you

I am here to say

I will work harder than ever before

I am done with play

 

I am not going to listen

when my head tells me that I cant

I am going to work hard at

becoming the best me I can be

 

physically

mentally

emotionally

totally

 

I know my mood will fall once more

it usually does

but I have today enough energy

to endure my cause

 

I may fail

I may succeed

but when I am done I will NOT

be able to say I didn’t try

 

with every fiber of my being

 

 


Up One Minute Down The Next

up one minute down the next

I know just how that feels

like life is a movie decades long

and someone has mixed up the reels

 

I look to my pills in a bottle

as if a genie could come out

it matters not how many I swallow

it matters not how loud I shout

 

I take solace in knowing

if I dont like where I am at

in minutes I will be somewhere else

that is a matter of fact

 

when I am better

when I can smile

I just have fun

like it is going outta style

 

someday the science may be there

to help everyone just like me

till then I will dare

to live life completely

 

I will endure the cold moods

I will embrace the hot

I will simply take moods as they come

I will live allot

 

Vic.

 

I know the phrase "Get well soon" is kinda trite here

but I do hope you are feeling better soon

and that it lasts for more than 3 days.

What do you do


What do you do?

 

What do you do? I was asked

by a stranger I never met before

the question kinda caught me off guard

I didn’t have an answer in store

 

I breathe I think therefore I am

I was going to say

I am defined not by my work

but rather by my play

 

so I told him

 

“I smile”

“I care”

“I laugh”

“I cry”

“I love”

“I hate”

“I live”

I sighed

“I give”

“I take”

“I clean”

“I make”

 

at the moment I am unemployed

and I have been for quite a while

that does not make me less of a person

that does not diminish my style

 

I am a valid person

not just some piece of trash

my life will not be valued

on if I make some cash

 

 

<<__a bad dream

test

Bad Dream.. 4

A Hawk That Once Lived As a Mouse. 5

Prayer For Peace. 6

A Smile and a Prayer 7

A Smile That Sneaked Into My World. 8

Prayer For a Friend. 10

Acceptance. 11

Another Prayer 12

A Wish. 13

Call His Name. 14

Counting. 15

Cry If You Must 16

The Cure. 17

Darkness. 18

Delusions. 19

End it all. 22

FOREST. 24

Get Things Done. 25

GETWELL. 26

GIVE. 28

Friend of Time. 29

I am tired. 30

I know how you feel 32

I live. 34

I must climb. 35

I Saw the Doctors Today. 36

I Want to Say. 38

I will be tired. 39

I Will Try. 40

If You Don’t Mind. 42

I’m All Alone. 43

I'm Feeling Low.. 45

I’m Gonna Die And It Sucks. 47

I Still Pray. 48

It Should Have Been Me. 49

The Solution. 51

Life is Good. 53

Little Things. 54

Living With Intent 55

Love Does Not End. 56

Making Memories Once Again. 57

Maybei 58

MISTAKES. 60

Morning Comes. 62

Father’s Day. 63

Myfriend. 64

Not There. 65

Please. 66

Replaced. 67

Sleepless. 68

Someday. 70

sticks and stones. 71

Word1. 73

Tell Me I Am Beautiful 74

The hand. 76

The Mirror 77

The People Must Be Remembered. 78

The Razors Edge. 79

The Winds of Change. 81

The Words. 83

Then and Now.. 85

The Pain. 86

We Are Glorious. 88

Welcome Weary Stranger 89

What If 90

What Is The Point 91

When Does It Get Better 92

Why. 93

AFRIEND.. 94

A Writer's Pride. 95

Count The Heartbeats. 96

Emotions. 98

Faith. 99

What Faith Means To Me. 100

Friends. 102

Hello. 102

If You Are Reading This. 103

Impress. 105

Just Hi 106

My 2 Cents. 107

Sometime. 110

Spring is Near 111

The Waterfall In My Mind. 112

The Solution. 114

God’s Mistake. 116

The Brightest Star 117

Creation. 119

Another Ships Passing Poem.. 120

Poetic Rrefraction. 122

My First Real Attempt at Suicide. 123

Mistakes II 126

I Was to be a Millionaire. 127

I am Vic I am New Here. 128

For Shame. 130

Another Weekend. 132

Workitis. 133

This Particular Moment 136

Spring Daze. 138

Sleepless. 140

Winter Mood. 142

A Day in the Life. 143

A Journal Entry 12-8-04. 145

All I Want 146

Back Again. 147

Breathe. 149

Do not Count on it 151

Freak Show.. 152

Gloomy Moments. 154

Goodbye. 155

Grant Me Strength. 157

Hi my Name is Victor 159

How Do I Feel 160

I Can Leap Thru Fire. 162

I Dont Want To Sleep. 164

I Just Pray. 166

I’m Back. 167

Imperfect 168

Just Keep Breathing. 170

Life is Life. 171

Life's Honey. 172

Love's Sunrise. 174

Never Quitting. 176

One More Time. 177

Online Dating Ad. 178

Sleep Like There is a Bright Tomorrow.. 180

Special Poem.. 181

Strong Enough. 182

Thakyou for Choosing Life. 183

The Flower 184

The Friendship Journey Begins. 185

The Little Voice. 186

The Rut 187

Think of Sleep. 189

To Fight Again. 190

Today Something Snapped. 191

Up One Minute Down The Next 192

What do you do?. 193


Bad Dream

I have no clue why

I want to scream

I want to cry

feels like a dream

I have no sense of time

there is no wrong or right

I am going to explode

in a passionate song

I will look so bad

to all my friends

they do not understand

I don’t know where to hide

my head.

 

I did not scream

it was all a bad dream

the tears I shed

will dry from my head

no one knew felt pain

"I still look great", she said

I did not scream

it was all a bad dream


A Hawk That Once Lived As a Mouse

Well I find it hard to label

a bird that fell out of the tree.

I mean chick is probably destine

to be a cats entrée'

 

the only thing that happened

in most cases you will find

is that there was a eager young foul

that really wanted to fly.

Thanx to its high-strung spirit

the little bird must lie in the grass

not knowing just when which

peep will be its last.

 

So he sits there still and quiet,

even when Mom has a relay neat worm

he worries of danger all around him

even when there is no harm

He wakes up from sleep wanting to scream

when he realizes the flashback was just a dream

soon he weighs less than he should

so flight is not easy -- that's no good

 

finally comes the day he can fly.

It is the day he must fly.

nature, time and instincts take their course,

and soon up in the skies

 

lives a hawk that once lived like a mouse.


Prayer For Peace

Lord, please be gracious

with the peace there is in you

many among us desire it

some have great faith too

 

please do not consider

the amount that I deserve

lest Lord, please just please

please just calm my nerves

 

If for just one morning

I'd smile at the day's new birth

and have the energy to jump and run

oh what that would be worth

 

An then the whole day through

I could laugh and sing and play

I would song your praises

tell your glory, every day

 

and if at night I would not cry

until medicated to close my eyes

wondering if today was my last

wondering if tomorrow I would die

 

Peace of mind is yours to give lord,

I have begged and now I pray

please Lord if you deem it good

please grand me another good day.


A Smile and a Prayer

 

I promise not to take allot of your precious time

especially when it is just me talking

I want to thank you for all of your precious "hi"’s

I know it may seem a bit shocking

 

every time you say hello

I say to myself, "Vic"

"What can possibly keep you low?"

"what can make you sick?"

 

because here is this girl in all her pain

taking time to say

"Hi", to me and making sure

to brighten up my day

 

She may not see the gift

that every time says "hello"

I can close my eyes and see

her smile and a prayer.


A Smile That Sneaked Into My World.

 

Somewhere in the night

there lies a dream

that I once dreamt.

 

It is full of light

and it would seem

I knew what it meant

 

a long long time ago

I lost the meaning

the dream, the light the innocence

 

I just let go

I quit

trying to even make any sense

 

of a child's dream

made of a child's world

in a child's frame of mind

 

then the nightmares came.

big and bad and ugly

soon I learned to forget.

 

I learned to dream tamer

so as not to scream

I've not had a heart attack yet.

 

Now I watch the stars till dawn

looking really hard

for the light, the dream I lost years ago.

 

it seems the light

was the sunrise

even when I was 9 years old.

 

I remember now it is clear as day

I was just another kid.

playing king of the mountain

I did all things kids did.

 

They used to call me crazy,

I would call them wacko back

I remember Barbara had a crush on me

till I painted her pig-tails black

 

I can smile just remembering

everything that was

it is good -- well it is a smile

that sneaked into my world.


Prayer For a Friend

 

Lord help her I ask you please

as I sit in my chair typing keys

true I do not know her name, still she is my friend

her heart has been revealed to me time and again

 

she has comforted many people

she has shed tears on my behalf

she has shown me many many times

that life is definitely the better path

 

Lord I ask of you

to have her understand

in her hour of need

I will reach out my hand

 

I am sure she has not lost faith

I doubt that she is even close

please grant her your inner peace

is what I ask the most

 

you will heal her spirit

time will heal her flesh

her inspiration will demand

life is not over yet.

 

vic

 

 

 


Acceptance

 

Acceptance is not perfection

they are two different words

I mean flaws are what make us real

at least that is what I've heard

 

People are people

so what do you say

that's the way the song goes

there is work and there is play

 

We try to please our loved ones

and we try not to fail

depending on our nature

we sometimes fail ourselves

 

I accept those that I love

no need for pomp or circumstance

that is the way that I am

that is the way I dance

 

I have found

beyond my dream of dreams

my acceptance

to them works the same way it seems

 

I am not in your situation

I am sure I don't understand it all

I will leave showing my complete hand

 

You know I am not going to say it

I am not going to say a thing

I will fail you will accept and understand

 

 


Another Prayer

I have never been too good with the quotes in the bible

there are some really great ones I hear them all the

time, but quotes isn't exactly what praying is all about

anyways.

 

I offer a prayer that comes from my heart,

I know it will be well received

And what I pray for saves me when times are hard.

it is Jesus' own inner peace.

 

I know you will weather the storms.

but at what price I wonder inside.

Some times it seems we are alone.

and all that is good in us has died.

 

There is an inner peace. One that I cannot describe.

that helps. believe me its true.

why would I lie.

may His peace be with you.

 

 


A Wish

 

I wish I could say every day would be all right,

and every time it was proper you would sleep at night

every dream that you remember would make a smile

every time you wanted to you'd go that "extra mile"

 

but that is not to be.

 

Medicines are nice they help our cause,

and lifestyles the must change too.

But to be painfully honest

time is the only cure.

 

I wish I were more patient

as a patient is supposed to be

because the steps that may seem backward

are the ones that help us heal

 

and I wish it didn't hurt so much

every time we fall.

and I wish there would be one last time

to say, "finally I have it all".


 

Call His Name

I call his name When ...

. . . feel pain I know it will be gone

. . . it rains I call in the drops I hear a song

. . . I am lonely I call and I know he is right beside me

. . . no one will hold me and no longer do I need

. . . I am alone in a crowd them not a stranger do I see.

. . . I have to scream out loud I end up screaming unto the Lord

. . . and somehow I am proud when I feel like I have sung the perfect chord.

 

Nothing is impossible

nothing is unstoppable

God knows the pain in our lives.

 

have faith that He loves you

and yes I believe it is true

take pleasure in the gifts that he give.

 

 


Counting

 

Sure we had laughter

sure we had tears

and sure we had minutes

but what about years.

 

I know there are times

when it seems no one cares

when in the darkness

you are alone and really scared.

 

don't count the footprints

they sometimes lie

just count your pulse

it is mime.

 

 


Cry If You Must

 

Cry if you must

for days gone by

but believe me it does not help

memories can embellish

soft sun light

and how wonderful it felt

 

time are tough now

I do not argue with that,

and that is the way it is

I am sorry that life

has hurt you

the cure goes beyond a kiss

 

The cure that is funny

I mean I am messed up

messed up as all the rest

I have had doctors guessing

about what might help me

they have only clues and an educated guess

 

I have swallowed a dozen pills each day

for a decade actually eight years

and sure I can talk to strangers now

but my friends bring me to tears

 

oh yeha days gone by

I forgot all about them

I was saying how it doesn't help

a bit to remember when

 

I do believe it doesn't help

but hey what can it hurt

even eleven years of good times

when times are bad can divert.

 

 


The Cure

 

The cure is quite simple

it is not found in any pill

for it there is no prescription

there is not even a hefty bill

 

it is hope and prayer

kindness and love

it is genuine respect

from all involved

 

that its not just me

that is being cured

by God's loving hand

of this I am sure

 

for scientist are getting smarter

love is being redefined

a simple smile

I can broaden a skeptic's mind

 

I am a person let that be known

no better no worse than the next

sure I long for the day I am better

but today I am glad I am blessed

 

 

 

 

 


Darkness

 

lack of feeling

lack of emotion and goodness too

walking in darkness

I disappear from view

 

darkness envelops my body

darkness captures my soul

I am not talking about lack of light

I am referring to losing control

 

I don’t care -- I think I should though

I really want to, I think

but I cant remember why

the further into the pit I sink

 

Oh I hear the words "Choose life"

and "Things are not all that bad"

I know I am not gonna die

even though I am sad

 

I am meant to be in darkness

I can put a on grease paint smile

I will fain joy now and again

Lonely and sad is not so bad for a while

 

 


Delusions

If I thought for just one moment,

that I could do some good.

I would reach inside my soul

and give everything I could

I would give and give, and give,

and give, and give some more

till all that was left of me

was a bare depleted core

people would come from miles around

just to see the sight

of the spot where

one man made things right

they would come and look into my eyes

that is if I still did live

and see a man that is just too weak

a man that cannot give.

 

I have looked into those eyes somewhere

I cannot quite place the sight.

It was morning yeha I am remembering

I had waken from the night

I brushed my teeth, and washed my face

I was just about to shave

In the mirror I saw a worthless soul

that knew not how to behave.

He had the strength to help for sure

and only one thing was clear

that nothing can paralyze a spirit

like ignorance and fear

 

I can help I know I can

I know it won't make me weak

In fact I will probably grow stronger

one step closer to the peak.

I hope that I feel this way tomorrow,

I somehow doubt I will

maybe I can find solace

after taking all my pills

 

I need a plan Yeha that is what I need

to make me a better man

I know I hate the lime light

so in the shadows I must stand

maybe I could ask for help,

an ad in the local rag

and find cause that could use

a reason to up and brag

not just any cause of course I know

I want one that is right for me

I want to help the people

that are in real need

 

I want to help the poor,

the homeless and the oppressed

the female that has not a voice

and man that was to wear a dress.

and I want to help the hungry

the stupid that can't get work

and anyone that classified

as a class A grade I jerk

I want to help the writers

of those country songs

and everyone that has had to struggle

with a used car for too long

and don't forget the rich folk

their life is way hard too.

every year come around taxes

they pay a percent or two

The animals need help most of all

because they can't even talk

I want to pay for surgeries

so that every hamster can walk

I think the cold is curable

There must be more studies done.

The war on drugs is loosing.

we must make sure drugs are not fun.

Traffic is getting better

no one has been shot lately

but I think I will see to it

that target practice is mandatory

loose moral there is a spot

that I can surely fix.

by the punishment for men without morals

will be cutting off their income.

 

That is the first day of my great crusade

I better go to sleep now.

maybe I will fix delusions of grandeur

if I have time some how.

 

 


End it all.

 

here is a poem few will understand

yet many will think they do.

It is about how I want to end it all

get it all over, done, and through.

 

Yes I want to wake up one day

and cut out what is ailing me

look in the mirror and just say "you putz"

"are you so blind you can't see"

 

"that day after day there is a problem"

"and it is only getting worse"

"life is not going the way you want"

"not the way that you rehearsed."

 

"End all the madness and silly stuff"

"and walk the path of life"

"like you are healthy"

"and stop living this lie."

 

"I mean saying today that tomorrow"

"you will feel good enough to have fun"

"Buck up realize that it will just be sorrow"

"then maybe you can get things done"

 

"End all the delusions that there will come a day"

"that you can hold a job"

"for more that a season of the year"

"without quitting and starting to sob"

 

"Get over the feeling some call pride"

"It was years ago that it went away"

"Get over the intense wanting to cry"

"Get over caring it’s the safest way"

 

 

No

 

 

I cannot live just for the moment

just waiting to die

I may not succeed every time ,

but I will always try

 

and when I look into tomorrow

It may be dark. I may be scared

but one sunset at a time

I will find my way there

 

I will end it all

if "IT" consists of my self pity

and to get "IT" over with for good

I will not stay sitting

 

 

I will FIGHT

I will WIN

I will LOSE gracefully

And FIGHT again

 

I will RACE until

Until I FINISH

 

I will

 

 

well I will

 

I will end all the bad things I can control

and I will get over the ones I cannot.

 

 


FOREST

One day a man wen on a journey

for the path that would lead to the forest.

He left his home and traveled by night

because he thought it was the best

 

At night he could guard against daemons

and all that nocturnally prey

and sleeping as the sun shone

he felt that he was safe.

 

Also the afternoon sun was hot

in the land that he was from

so traveling by night was genies

And everyone called him dumb.

 

Well then one day beyond a the final tree

he saw that path and rejoiced

"The path to the forest!" he exclaimed

in a towering manly voice.

 

Soon he would find all the plants that he needed

for medicine, and dies, and food.

he started to run faster and faster,

alas he was the fool

 

for he walked on for miles and saw not a tree

just deserts, and animals, and sand

 

 

 

 

 


Get Things Done

NYC

oh say can you see

a terrible page in history

 

It is a world of sinners

it is a world of crime

now it seems we are all beginners

living in a new less innocent time

 

Live we must

live we will

to just survive

with no thrill

would be to admit defeat

 

so remember September 9th

if you really can

think of the headlines

remember your daily plan

 

if like me that is too hard,

think of ten minutes from now

what can be done to live and maybe smile

like looking at a cloud

 

maybe it is raining,

that makes for a good day to clean

maybe there is a good movie

that you haven’t seen

 

I know what I like to do

the things that make life full and fun

somehow I think you do to

the tough part is to get things done.

 

 


GETWELL

Hi,

I sit here hoping

that everything is fine

that you are feeling peachy

that you have peace of mind

 

I am so many miles away,

I can't even offer a hug

but maybe if I try real hard

I can share a little love.

 

I can share the part of my soul

that really wants to play

you know the part I talk of

the part that runs all day

 

It is the inherent energy

of a three year old child

Some say that we out grow it

to me that seems wild.

 

I mean I still have it sure I do,

I looks silly when I show it.

but let me tell you

the energy helps not to quit.

 

I fear I may not make you smile

some times we are meant to cry.

If that helps you go on so be it

let the tears by.

 

When you have added an inch to the lake,

and you can cry no more

Jump on the bed, or squirt Hubby some

find your "energy" once more

 

I suppose it is "easy to say"

I mean life is not so cut and dry

I do not pretend to know

how you feel as I sit and write.

 

If you are felling great, and I brought you down

oops is all I can really say

But if Get well soon is proper right about now

then I'll be here whenever you want to play.

 

 

 

 

 


GIVE

Give me the strength Lord

to give it my all

when times are tough

and I want to fall

please grant me the luxury

of seeing your peace

even when life torments me

and my troubles don't cease

I beg that when I am down

with my heart on my sleeve

that I look twice and that I see

there is cause to believe

for I am in your image Lord

you are aware that I suffer

 

There is greatness in me

I can't see through the tears

and the wiser I get

the less are my fears.

once in a while Lord

All that I ask

Is an occasional smile

I remember from my the past.

The strength that I asked for,

well I suppose I know

it grows inside me

as I grow.

 

 


Friend of Time

 

Once a long long long long time ago

the very first instant appeared

before that there was no time

deadlines were not feared

 

since that day time moved on

at a steady even pace

setting the stage for the main event

called the human race. (I like to think so)

 

Time marched till the moment

I saw you again

I swear for just an instant

it stopped

 

I was visiting a friend.

 


I am tired

I want to write the words

that everyone wants to hear

just as I have lived my life

so that no one sheds a tear

 

I am tired of saying I feel good

if I feel like poop

I am tired of hiding a smile

when I really want to

 

I am tired of taking medicines

that make me fat and stupid

I am tired of getting blood level checks

by a tired underpaid phlabotomist

 

I am tired of feeling good

ant then feeling sad

I am tired of waking up one morning

wondering what day we are at

 

I am tired of getting fired

and grinning and saying thankyou

I am tired of not ever

ever ever ever ever telling the truth

 

I am tired of knowing I have gone thru hell

to get to where I am with no one to tell

I am tired of being so proud of me

only my mirror and med records see

 

I am tired I really am

I want to be normal already

I am tired of knowing there will never be a cure

just pills that get slightly better and cost more

 

I am tired of know I am a the freak

at the but of late nights jokes

I am tired of only crying at night

so no one need to know

 

I am tired of hiding all that I have to offer

creativity and words that rhyme

I am tired of knowing that some day maybe soon

I may run out of time

 

You would think as tired as I am

I would sleep even with bad dreams and all

but I will sleep when I can

I will sleep when I get too tired.

 

 

 


I know how you feel

"yeah, I know how you feel."

 

How could it be

how in the world

could you know

how I feel

 

You have a clue

maybe some pain

but you don't know

what goes on in my brain

 

don't tell me a lie

because I know that you care

I know you mean well

but at least play fair.

 

don't try to fix me

as you wipe my tears

and realize you have yours

and that I have my fears

 

You don't know

believe me

I know what I say

 

when I say

that I hurt

that I am in pain

 

if I could describe it

I would have by now

but descriptions alone

are useless some how

 

no this is more

than stubbing your toe

there are no band aids

for this that I know

 

I am sorry for times

that I treated you bad

and more for the times

that I was sad

and you could just stand there

feeling bad

because you love me

being helplessness just makes you mad

 

but trust me I know

there will be a day

that we will look back and laugh

some how some way

 

No, not tomorrow

no not next year.

that day is way off

I really do fear.

 

but so is the day

I first fell in this pit

it doesn’t seem that long ago

now does it?

 

yes I am tiered too,

now I must rest

I feel I am lucky

I feel I am blessed

 

to have a friend

like you by my side.

what do you mean you know how I feel?

well,

I will let that one slide.

 

 

 

 


I live

I smile if I want to smile

it is only fair

don’t think for even an instant

it means that I don’t care

I care

I care

I feel

I grieve

I cry

I laugh

I smile

I wonder why

I remember

I regret

I ponder

I try to forget

I pray

I forgive

I feel loss

I live

 

I really had a hard time accepting any good feelings. I felt as though if I laughed when I thought something was funny, I was acting improper. Allot of the people I talk to now feel the same way.

 

I am not telling knock knock jokes around town, but I am not forcing depression on myself to impress my neighbors either.

 

 


I must climb

I am back where I started

I have been here before

time and time again

 

no longer can I see this

as the beginning

I feel this is the end

 

Make no mistake

I tried my best

my success just never came

 

I am not angry

I am not sad

I am just insane

 

If I take

another step

what good would it do

 

walking in circles

running in place

hoops that I've jumped thru

 

I have my sights set on higher ground

there is a mountain

I must climb

 

I don’t know that I can

but I realize

I must try

 

 


I Saw the Doctors Today

I saw the doc earlier today

he said that I was fine.

I turned my head and coughed

he was off to the next patient in line.

 

and later I saw the psychiatrist

she too said things were well

I take my pills responsibly

that much she could tell

 

well after I got home today

I wondered if I was wrong

but isn't it true a healthy man

doesn't heal for so so long.

 

I mean I got "sick" so long ago

all I remember is the date.

October 26, 1992

was my twist of fate.

 

and since then I have been getting "better"

what the hell does that mean

when will I be able to say

there was a day I was not healthy

 

when will look back and laugh

and not just want to cry?

when will I never ever ever ever

think I want to die?

 

I mean I can pray I know of faith

it was fed to me as a kid

and patience I have a mess of that

at least I thought I did

 

but there comes a time for action

acting is all I do

if 2 doctors with years of experience

said I am okay, its true

 

and all this on a day

I need only the slightest chance

to scream and jump and cry and rant, and rave and ...

at even a persons wrong glance

 

well I lived through today

I will live through tomorrow

I will make it through the next day too

 

That is what they say

though I feel sorrow

I will make it through

 

I know that there is a reason

I know there is a rhyme

I know that some how I am living

and surviving at the present time

 

and if there should come a weakness

that leads to my last gasp of air

I know I will have given everything

at this moment I care.

 

That my friends is important to know

that I care right here and now

it is not very important

what I care about

 

But I really feel I am doing fine

as I turn out the light

I will sleep and dream

till the mornings light.

 

I saw the doctors today

they said I was okay

who am I to argue

what good would come anyways.

 

good night

vic

 

 

 


I Want to Say

I want to say "good morning

as we pas every day

at least say hello

as our eyes meet every day

 

I want to introduce myself

as we meet on the bus

I know that we would smile

instead of being so serious

 

I want to say "thank you"

for the encouragement at work

I don’t my lips stay silent

I feel like a jerk

 

I want to say "can I sit here"

or maybe "do you mind"

instead I take a healthy lunch walk

to a park bench I call mine

 

I want to tell the funny jokes

beside the water cooler too

but I can never seem to get them right

was it a monkey a priest, and a Jew?

 

there we are on the same buss home

I still don't say a word

out eyes meet as they have before

it really seems absurd

 

I want to open up the door

to my castle my home once more

I want to say "I am HOOOOME"

and hear love say "close the door"

 

I want to eat a meal

at a table set for more than one

so when I say grace I can see the face

of a person that loves me just for fun

 

I want to say "God, Thank You"

for another day

I didn’t say as single word

that might get in the way

I will be tired

I am tired of saying I am sorry

or I did not mean to say that

I am tired of making friend

only to leave them flat

I am tired because I want to cry

when I do things that are wrong

I am tired of just accepting my wrongness

as I turn up the volume on a song

 

am tired so I sleep

it is easier than facing the day

I am tired so I sleep

it is just my way

I am tired so I sleep

if I wake I just close my eyes

I am tired so I sleep

and pray I never wake

 

I will wake and the funny thing is

I will be tired.


I Will Try

If you are reading this

 

I have never lost a friend.

I have never lost a love.

I have never lost a dollar.

that I didn't think of.

 

I can't stop you from sleeping Rose

I know better than to try.

If you never read this

I will try not to cry

 

I will try.

 

If you read this you will know that

I am writing from the heart.

the journey is almost over

even though you chose not to start.

 

It will be rougher every day

this I will assure to you

that yesterday wasn't the last day

that you couldn't pull through.

 

I will try

 

 

No, tomorrow has its demons

and they are stronger than you think

You have walked throughout hell Rose

and in your strength you forgot to blink

 

Pictures are engraved

in your soul no one should endure

Dante could have used them You must.

Use them.

Find beauty. Find the pure.

 

I will try.

 

Rose I know that it seems we've no power

at times to even take another step.

and sometimes even to breathe

takes way too much pep.

 

but alas rose I am telling you there will be a moment

that you look back at a century gone by

and laugh loudly at satin and hell and earth from heaven.

after I draw my last breath

 

I will try.


If You Don’t Mind

I have proven a man can live alone

I am not really proud of that

I am an average face in the crowd

maybe a little fat

I don't have a friend to bury me

should I get hit by a truck

nobody will even know that I am gone

till my rent lady gets stuck

I need to love again somehow

I am certain that I can

after all I am average

I am a common man

I wish I could just remember

the words I need to find

to begin with I must ask for help

if you do not mind.

 


I’m All Alone

Thankyou for taking the time to read

all what I have to say

it shows that you care

that is rare in a very special way

 

I am in pain but I will survive,

but this probably already occurred to you

the human mind and body

is stronger than most of us ever knew

 

I will tell you about what is bothering me

if you promise not to laugh

because it is really quite insignificant

but not from my behalf

 

You see I am alone

 

When I was small I would go play

in the sandbox after lunch

and my friends would join me sooner or later

unless it was raining too much

 

as I grew up there the sandbox grew,

but the concept was the same

I mean sooner or later I could count

on someone to come and play

 

well here I am on the edge

it is where I want to be

I moved twelve hundred miles

to live on the Atlantic beach

 

sure AT&T reminds me

there is more than casual hellos

but I am lonely

and life is going wrong

 

My meds don’t work and I don’t have a job

and I hate the thoughts I think

I mean no body would even notice

if I swam east a while and then sink

 

Alas I have already picked

old age as my suicide of choice

I know my career is waiting for me

I can hear its little voice (just kidding)

 

and as for the fact that my sand box is too big

I don't know what to do

but maybe you know is there a pill?

maybe pink or maybe blue.

 

Once a gain thankyou for reading my words

I suppose I just needed to type

believe I usually don’t type this much

thankyou for letting me vent.

 

 


I'm Feeling Low

 

I'm feeling low

here by my self

I'm feeling low

like I'm on a shelf

 

I do suppose

its my fault I know

but that don't change the fact

I'm feeling low

 

there is Jesus

he is on my side

oh thank you Lord Jesus

for filling me with pride

 

you will be here tomorrow

this much I know

as you have been here today

when I am feeling low

 

there can be no good days

if there are to be no bad

all the days would be alike

and I don't think I'd want that

 

at the moment

I would like a bit of company

a tangible smile or even a tear

I am feeling alone you see

 

but I will cry till sun set

I will cry till late

my tears will dry I will sleep

as I medicate

 

mid morning at my place

I lie still and quiet

till I can no longer sleep

I look about and realize

 

I am feeling low

here all by my self

another damned day

on this tiled floored shelf

 

thank you Lord for hearing my prayers

but I'm gonna pray again

Lord, creator of heavens and earth

help me find a friend.

 

Rosie, fret not. I am not really feeling low, I just had this bitchin blues riff in my head( I think it belongs to Stevie Ray Vaughn), and then BB King himself started sinning, and then the next thing I know this poem was born, after only a few moments of labor.

The poem doesn't read very well, but I haven't written for a long time to anyone. if you have anything special for me to write about (no smut, I know that goes without saying) please suggest away.

 

I do hope this note does not find you ore leave you singing the blues, after all you are the friend I was asking for in the song.

 

Vic.


 

I’m Gonna Die And It Sucks

I’m gonna die and it sucks

there is nothing I can do

and to everyone sayin "Yes, there is"

I was once like you

 

standing on the outside

laughing at the grease paint smiles

hell bent on the notion

that breathing is worth while

 

what happened? I cant tell you

where my path just stopped

I suppose I looked around

I suppose my expectations droped

 

no longer am I waiting

for a friend by my side

no longer do I see the need

I can just go away

after all my life is mine

death happens all the time why not to me

 

for once I will walk in the sun

no grease paint on my face

I will frown tears may fall

for once I will sleep to escape

how I feel when I am awake

sleep oh precious sleep eternal

 

 

Istillpray


I Still Pray

 

The Lord has answered

Every prayer I have ever inspired

true at times the answers

were not the ones that I desired

 

so sill I pray

I pray for a best friend

that knows when to be much more

I pray for a simple gal

that isn't drawn by gold’s allure

I pray for a hand to hold

so I won't feel alone

I pray for those conversations

the ones that really hit home

I pray for patience and understanding

in this ever so important quest

I am so demanding because

there is no such thing as second best.

 

 

 

it should hav been me


It Should Have Been Me

 

every day someone dies

people mourn their loss

and in almost every case

society has paid a cost

 

as I sit here typing

at tear falls

because of how I feel

nature calls

 

It should have been me

that is dead

and the valuable person

should get ahead

 

it should have been me

everyone knows

it is just a matter of time

before I go

 

It should have been me

I want to die

no one will even miss me

I will wear a disguise

 

it should have been

I deserve peace

burning in hell

would be a relief

 

it should have been me

I could have replaced a child

that would someday find a cure

for greed

 

I have no right to wish for death

it is selfish this I know

maybe I am worthless

but that is the way it goes

 

My tears are drying I am confused

but grateful for your time

especially thankful for a friendly place

to sit and post my rhyme

 

It should have been me this very night

that did something stupid and rash

but I didn’t that is what happened

maybe it is part of His plan.

 

 

 

 

just one more day


The Solution

 

There was a day actually a night

that I decided to die

I knew that I would be happier

at least it was worth a try.

 

I took a 2 liter bottle

dissolved a bunch of stuff

anything I could find

that would kill me just enough

 

I succeeded I was dead

the monitors line was flat

my solution worked

how about that

 

for years I believed

I really was dead

when life is hell

it plays with your head.

 

Thank God you are alive

everyone would say

I hate that still

I hate it this day.

 

alas time passed, I healed

and I learned to smile

I even learned to dream

 

recently I have discovered

that dreams come true

if you have faith and you believe.

 

The solution ... the answer

the best angle to take

 

Lies not our perception

but rather the life we make

 

in our least significant prayers.

 

 

Your decisions are your own

to say death is not a choice

well that would be a lie,

One I cannot voice

 

but the way I see it

there will come a day

the door to life will close

why not fight just one more day

 


Life is Good

 

Life is good, that is not bad

at least it should not be

why is it that when I am smiling

I turn on the TV

 

Sure these are troubled times

with all that has transpired

but I will be damned if

I sit down and stay tired

 

I run in the sun

I play in the night

I laugh at the good jokes

I live my life

 

sure I look twice under my bed

and when I fall asleep

a few bad thoughts

creep into my head

 

But when I wake in the morning

and greet another day

all I can say

is

Life is good.

 


Little Things

I remember sunlight

smiling as it set on my face

I remember puddle hopping

in the hard tropical rain

I remember smiling

I can't remember why

smiling was such a little thing

I didn't have to try

 

Now I live rather I survive

for the little things I search

I look every day really hard

I know how much they are worth

 

I don't have to tell you

how hard it is to try

to look for stupid little things

with a tear in my eye.

 

 


Living With Intent

I stand tall when I explain to a person

that I am a few cards short of a deck

knowing full well they will never look upon me

the same but what the heck

 

I know of the stigma and the looks and the talk

that goes on behind my back

I refused to be labeled crazy

just because of a panic attack

 

my voice is only one

I know it is really not loud

I will be damned if I am put to shame

Just because I am proud!

 

I am sick. that is all

and till now there is no cure

Doctors guess at what will help

but no one knows for sure

 

I intend to talk

before it is too late

because if there is no language

how can we educate.

 

 

I mean really.

 

if the average Joe only knows the bad things about mental illness what is he to think? and lets face it most printed current events are bad.

 

my intent? oh yeha my intent, help shed a bit of light on darkness. I know I don't light too much, but hey maybe I might just light a fire.

 

 


Love Does Not End

 

Sorry to be so bold

and try to make a point

but Love is not finite

it cannot be controlled

 

passion lust and even greed

those all fade away

admiration, fascination and need

can be lost any given day

 

Love

in its purest form

Love

does not conform

Love

it just is

Love

fond in a kiss

Love

not found in words

Love

rather in how they are heard

 

Live is simple, much like a light

of the sunny day

hate, and illness can tend to blind

and seem to take love away

 

though it may seem that there is none left

fear not for it is just night

sooner than you think morning will come

and love will shine bright.

 


Making Memories Once Again

 

rays of sunlight through the leaves

of short fat little trees

butterflies seeming to float

almost taunting me

the warmth of the sunlight

on my skin as I take a casual stroll

chocolate, oh yes chocolate

in a cake that has ice cream in it roll

the sound of birds at sun set

heading for their home

the sun sets on Lake Erie

way beyond the foam

the night is coming slowly

darkness takes its place

and romance well, at least hormones

have a chance to race

I have always belonged to the night

every aspect is amplified

Seemingly short are the minutes

till another red sunrise

 

Sure these are memories of yesterday

happy one I keep of friends

but today I was happy

making memories once again


 

 

Maybei

Though my song may be a sad one

when my days are through

there are verses that are fun

there are words that will ring true

 

and maybe everyone cannot see the sunset

as a work of art

but it is when the night begins

the darkness in my heart

 

and should someone ask, "Vic how can it be"

"that you never see the light"

"why can't you work a job"

"or even smile and be polite"

 

I never answer because you see

there is no answer that can satisfy

the curious minds of the just and right

that is why I never try.

 

maybe some day I will draw a picture

it will only take a thousand words

I can paint the night and stars no moon

some will say it is absurd

 

just like the moon has the right to hide the light

from the Mother Earth

I can show what I want to show

I decide what it is worth

 

I believe what I want to believe

until the pills bring me "down"

I believe what I want to believe

for as long as I am around

 

or till a pill takes me down

 

some day some one might look back and say

"I can't believe they did that" to vic

just like I find it hard to believe

leaches and how blood was let from the sick

 

maybe some day will be looked upon

as an asset and not a debt

for I can give to society

more than most will bet.

 

sure I can push a button

make a computer work

but 15 pills a day keep my secret

at times I feel like a jerk

 

maybe I need more pills

 

 


 

MISTAKES

 

Some will argue without fault

that to try is better

than not at all

but at times it is the hardest thing to do

 

to take a chance

to dare romance

to swing at a possible curve

 

to climb a mountain

or walk in the fountain

to gather all our nerve.

all of lives journeys

start with a single step

I need not mention

risk will develop

 

every time I wake up in the morning,

I will not forget

to read the label on the tube

for Brylcreem taste like shit

 

and when I make my way to the kitchen

I go down the stairs with care

because marbles are fun to play with

as long as you know they are there

 

and then I make my breakfast

just cereal and toast

but when I take the bread out

well a fork makes my toast coast

 

then I go to work

we are building a chimney today

I make sure I know the rules

slow and steady wins the race

 

Now I need a shower

maybe not but I will take one in case

and just because the biggest bug in the world came out

I will not slip in haste.

 

and now I have to go to sleep.

DAMN I forgot my noon pill.

well I will take the rest of them

and sleep I know I will.

 

I made it through another day,

I wish I could have done better

but mistakes made on days gone by

helped this one stay together.

 

no I did not climb a mountain

but taken in hind sight

the steps I took living this SIMPLE day

I have climbed my mountain in my own right

 

some times we have to take a look at those things we do and take for granted. make coffee, or do laundry, or drive a car, or anything; because as we get healthier that list gets longer and longer. And sometimes we get down because we demand more of ourselves. It is frustrating. Sure it drives us to do better, but I find I get caught fixating on my self improvement, and not giving myself credit for achievements that I have earned.

 

Some may not know that I sit down to type as a form of therapy. I have no clue as to where the poem may take me. I let my instincts try to tell me what is happening with me. It seems a bit selfish to do so in this group. well this may not have been the most well written poem of my life, but it makes sense to me. I hope maybe someone else will read it an maybe it will make sense to them too

 


Morning Comes

 

Morning comes I sleep

till way past after noon

I don’t care if evening finds me

it is all the same

I try to care

I really do

It is really all the same

I feel hunger but it is only pain

the sun sets I never notice

I eat it gives me something to do

I do the things I ought to do

like clean and bathe and watch TV

My meds oh yeha I would not want to forget those

the tiny chemicals that the pharmasudical gods created

they must be swallowed

 

I am not sleepy

but I will sleep

 

mourning comes once more

 

 


Father’s Day

Today is the day many people

say "Dad I think you are great"

or maybe something like that

they will usually say

 

today is Father's Day

across the land

but I don't need a special day

to say that you are grand

 

In fact I ma living proof

that you are wise and good

the way I live the way I act

is thanks to you, it is understood

 

as a child you taught me well

as a teen you taught me right

as a man you showed me what it means

to fight the good fight

 

So on this special day set aside

I am really not sure what to do

all I can really think to say is - Thank You.


 

Myfriend

there are times I feel so bad

I feel as if I have no friends

and even though life is going well

I just want it all to end.

 

 

I mean sure I have enough money

and my family is always there

It just would be really nice

if love was not DNA compared

 

I mean My sisters and aunts and parents too

all know how special I am

when I get a chance to show my stripes

well my moods rewrite the program

 

Please don't get me wrong, I have people that care

most on the internet now.

These are the folks that keep the gun from my head

and keep air in my lungs somehow

 

Thankyou for reading the words in my head

thankyou for caring and supporting me to no end

thankyou I mean it I could very well be dead

if it were not for you -- my friends.

 

 


Not There

sometimes a miracle is just too much

for me to ever expect

I mean I pray, and worship and believe and all

but the sky remains dark gray

I ask for peace

I find war

I ask for love

I find a whore

I ask for food

I find rocks

I ask for shoes

I get socks.

I ask and ask and ask some more

and much to my avail

never do my words reach heaven

the sound just seems to trail

I have failed.

I want to die,

but that would be wrong

I have been told this time and again

by people that are happy and have many many friends

The doctors drive fancy cars,

and when I look around

all the time I hear "Don't jump"

from a "friend" that doesn't frown.

I know God is not a take out store

and understand when I say

The God that made my life this way doesn't care.

He is not there.

 

 

 

 

 


Please

I pray

 

Pleas make today a day of patience

so that what is said is to me is clear.

Please make to day one filled with strength

so I can overcome my fear.

 

Please make today a day of justice

a day that is civilized.

Please make today focused

so on my judgement I can really

 

make today my day

make today bright

make today clear

make today light

 

If it is in your plan to bring pain to my day

I will accept it

if it is has to be there is rain in my day

I will accept it

if words I don’t like must be spoken that I have to hear

I will accept it

if when the sun falls nothing is clear

I will accept it

 

All I ask Lord is

Please make today.

 

 


Replaced

please excuse the sarcasm, it is just that I am mad

a friend of mine said something and it made me sad

this friend well she believed that if given enough time

that her entire life would be put behind

 

her ways would be forgotten

her laugh would ring no more

She said everything she is right now

could be bought at a store

 

She could be found at a temp service

She could be bought right off the street

her services from those that love her

were mearly common charity

 

I stayed silent once to often

and her tears roll down my cheeks

every time I remember her

as she reaches out to me

 

I said nothing she is dead

those are the facts at hand

She will NEVER be replaced

I hope now she understands.

 


Sleepless

One day I woke up, and in the mirror

there was a person crying

Who he was was not clear

but I knew that he was dying

 

I screamed for someone else's help

and someone came quickly

but for some reason someone else

saw no one in the mirror but me.

 

I went to sleep

 

I woke up

I was in another room

and strangers seemed to know my name

 

I thought it strange

I am of legal age

and I don't remember a thing

about this wedding ring

 

I went to sleep

 

How do you plea?

the judge asked

waking me up from a pleasant dream

 

You are guilty he proclaimed

that he said to me

you are to serve life imprisonment

without so much as a key

 

 

I cried ,

I screamed ,

I begged ,

I screamed,

I had no clue

I screamed

of what to do

I screamed

 

I shut up

 

I realized that they mad a mistake

I was thrown out the back door

I ran like hell past then lake

 

to see the jail never more

 

I ran to my house

right to my bed

laid on the pillow

my tired head

 

I could not sleep

 

I only thought of my terrible sentence

and could never slept again

sure my eyes close from her to hence

but good dreams I only pretend

 

here I am time has passed, I am doing the best I can

I want my dreams back and I'll be damned

if I never sleep again

 

"I'll be damned", that is funny I am damned right now

I know there is hope it is true some how

there is my friend

 

for if I can never dream again

then the fire in my heart

will cease and no longer try to mend

 

if I can still find it in my heart

to make another comfy

then there will be a day that somebody

will bring comfort to me

 

I will sleep

 

 

 

 

 


Someday

Me desistí del gran secreto

Que nos permita talvez añadir

Cién letras más al alfabeto

Y tengo fe al predecir

Que alguna vez habrá palabras

Que expresarán lo que quiero decir

Y habrá una balada

Que cantará la ilusión

Que hay en mi

Que alguna vez tendremos alas

Para volar, volar y volar

Y al terminar cada jornada

En una estrella

Poder descansar

 

We are aware of the grand secret

That we might have even have to augment

No letters to really upon let alone an alphabet

Still I have faith when I say

Some day there will be the words

So that my intentions will somehow be heard

Someday there will be a ballad

that sings the illusion

that is me

Someday we will have wings

To fly, fly and fly

and at the end of journeying

upon a star

we will find rest.

 

 

 

 


Sticks and Stones

What to do when someone cares

and really wants to help

but in the end they aggravate

by the advice they tell

 

I don’t want to be rude

I don’t want to explode

I don’t want to say "dude"

"shut up leave me alone"

 

I mean after all he is so proud

to be "helping" a fellow human being

what am I to say when

he hurts my feelings

 

He starts of with the usual

"I know how you feel"

HE HAS NO CLUE

about the way my world is

 

but that is as common as

"how are you today"

no one wants an answer

it is just something to say

 

by the end of all of five minutes

he has told me what my Problem is

and that life is so much more simple

from his perspective

 

Now I am inferior.

my thoughts are all skewed

he proceeds for some time

to explain his point of view

 

"He is a nice person"

I keep telling myself

"let him talk just don’t listen"

I keep telling myself

"sticks and stones can blah blah blah"

I keep telling myself

"he is gone now"

I keep telling myself

 

sticks and stones can brake my bones

but my bones heal

words and ignorance can hurt cause damage

I will always feel

 

 

there is no "dude" this is just how I feel about a few of my neighbors that have "caught" depression, but got over it and now want me to do the same.

 


Word1

I know I am not the man

That you expect me to be

my shining armor is made smoke and mirrors

my actions they mislead

 

When I look so passionately

into a glance from your eyes

I can see your frustration

I feel you screaming "why ?"

 

I cant defend my nature

I just know I act on faith

if I were to move too soon

that would be a mistake

 

I want to reveal you

uncover your real self

not the actress I know right know

but the you that lives in stealth

 

Maybe that is too much to ask

but there is where your passion lies

It is possible I am wrong

but I am not it is in your eyes

 

You see I have been investing time

in hopes you would come out and play

and walk on the beach and in my arms

you might know you are safe.

 

I have time and patience

I think both are well spent

and if I never get to know you

hey at least I have found a friend.

 

 


Tell Me I Am Beautiful

Tell me that I am beautiful

I really need to hear

words of praise about me

entering in my ear

 

I jump I dance I rhyme for you

and silence is all I hear

sure my eyes are ugly now

they are full of tears

 

I hate to even bother you

you are obviously better than me

but could you look in my direction

is there one good thing you see

 

I am sure there is something

that catches your knowledgeable eye

I could change I know I can

at least I could try

 

tell me I am beautiful

even if you must lie

words can cure my self esteem

I have no reason why

---

 

I am Gods creation damn it

I know I have worth

I did not walk of a photo shoot

but I have had His image from birth

 

Look closely here is your last chance

to verbalize what I already know

tell me I am beautiful --

too late here I go

 

I am beautiful

this is obvious to me

I may not be aesthetic

but there is more to see

 

I have a heart holding more than blood

twenty-four seven and three hundred-sixty-five

passion truth and love are commodities

no plastic surgeon can derive

 

Oh yeah I am beautiful

even in this light

a perfect "10" strutting my stuff

down the catwalk of life.

 

 


The hand.

 

the hand that you were dealt

is the hand that you must play my friend

understand there is much more to the game

throw the cards in once in a while

it doesn't mean you are weak

by no means is it a sign of shame

 

The rules to the game?

I thought you understood

they are specific and they are not concise

no one really knows them

you know that cant be good

I learned to play by breaking them once or twice

 

You are a good person

that has a smart head

next round you will have all the chips

remember all us small time players

as you are saying "I remember when"

and smiling at the hand.

 

 


The Mirror

I was once told that people are allot like mirrors. Every mirror has imperfections, so as to reflect a bit differently. I have a feeling one of your mirrors is broken, or maybe warped, or maybe even turned to the sun so as to blind you, or maybe even turned around all together, so as to give the impression of total darkness. I do not know.

 

Just remember you are a mirror too, and just as fragile as the rest of us. Take care of you .

 

 


The People Must Be Remembered

I have watched more TV

than I really think I should

the news is so incredible

and the coverage is pretty good

 

but I would like to make a distinction

that I have not herd yet made

death is the tragedy

not the mess that was made

 

Sure this goes without saying

I am not sure it is right

but I have spoken that were mad as hell

because they had to miss their flight

 

others regret the fact

they will never stand

atop a trade center tower

and see people look like ants

 

I even heard it on TV

that the buildings were attacked

I feel the people are the ones

we will never quite bring back.

 

 


The Razors Edge

Come one come all

the ride is about to leave

calling it a roller coaster would be a lie

the climb is pure anticipation

the can last for days

once at the top you can see for miles

 

The top the top that razor's edge

dance and jump

and pray it never ends

 

It ends.

 

there is no fall

there is no scream

there is no chance to raise your hands

the bottom of darkness

time stands still

there is cement in the hourglass sand

 

tomorrow, next week, next month, next year,

next minute will not come

sleep if you can

eat if you must

smile always smile for the cameras

watch for signs of light

and cry when no one can sense your fear

try not to laugh to hard

when asked "where does it hurt"

does it hurt?

is fear pain?

can loneliness inside be cured with an aspirin

is the fact that so many love me, and nobody really cares an oowwwwweeee?

sleep

rest

tomorrow is another day

tomorrow is another day

tomorrow is a day

tomorrow is day

tomorrow I

 

a ray of sunshine

climb for it

let instincts pull and push

energy

in your heart

start to fill your veins so much

 

faster and harder

eat sleep and pray

you see the first sunrise

The air feels fresh

the food tastes great

life is heaven for your eyes

 

at the razors edge.

 


The Winds of Change

 

The winds of change are coming

I have felt their touch before

and like a fool I hurried up

and closed each and every door

 

I closed every window

sat down and closed my eyes

I remained the same

change I would not try

 

now I am older

and in many ways I am the same

as for the world around me

I don't recognize at all that is a shame

 

the winds of change can be but warm breezes

on a bitter cold winter day

little by little they can melt the snow

and make it go away.

 

the winds of change can have the gale force

of a tornado or a hurricane

in an instant they can bring people together

by taking things away

 

do not fear the wind

do not fear the change

do not fear the challenge

do not fear the pain

 

wind is a natural force of movement

that can move the sands of time

and change is what elevates mere survival

to living a rich and full life

challenges make us stronger

only if they are accepted

and fear of pain can cause fear

of taking paths with hard times ahead

 

true the winds of change are coming

true they are already here

true they were here yesterday

true they were here last year

 

true that the winds of change

feed on the spirits they transform

I have reached a time in my life

I simply must weather the storm

 

 

 


The Words

What is the word or sentence or phrase

that can fully and properly explain

that death is an option not one I want to take

but none the less it is in my brain

 

"No!", I hear that is not true

"not when there is so much in your life."

"Suicide now it doesn't make sense,"

"how can you bare to say good-bye?"

 

there is no thinking I try to explain

but to no avail for I can't get through

I ask them to remember back to the day

that instincts were their golden rule

 

I ask if there is an impulse in their head

that wasn't processed but true

well I sometimes have the impulse to be dead

It is not what I want to do

 

I suppose it is a sickness,

maybe it is a gene

maybe it is just the devil

or God being mean

 

but by any account here I stand

breathing in and out

and death is an option

I sometimes think about

 

I really don't want to find the words

that can make anyone understand

why this particular course of action

has become mine to command

 

Because I might just be too good at it

and what good would it do

to have one more person on the Earth

that thinks of suicide too

 

The words I am looking for are simple

I know not exactly what they are

but they are all based on principle

deep in the instinct of who we are

 


Then and Now

 

There was a time I remember

that my life was going fine

some steps I took were wrong

but at least I knew they were mine.

 

Now I find myself at the gates of heaven

and my legs won't seem to move.

I am going through hell alone now

I don't know what to do.

 

I have lived and learned to be on my own

and I have cared for all around me

I have never been really alone

that is how it should be

 

Now I find that I need help

after my life is done

I have won every battle there is to fight

but the war has just begun

 

I have to learn to live again

I have to learn to cry.

There will be times I can't be a friend.

I know I have to try.

 

Oh, I can walk backwards with the greatest of ease

I can feel the flames at the door.

Or I can face this "friendship" disease

and learn to live once more

 

I must trust

I must believe

not only when I want to

 

I must love

that includes me

not only when I want to

 

most of all

I will pray

not only when I want to.


The Pain

I sit here sweating pouring satisfaction

knowing I did what I could do.

earlier I tried to run a mile

once I would do it just for fun

 

I tried to run but there was pain

I could not pinpoint exactly where

looking back I am not positive

it was even ever there.

 

I got sad, because you see

my meds are causing my weight gain

and when I try to counter it.

all I get is pain.

 

I tried to reason that tomorrow

I will heal, and run I will

but that is like what I said yesterday

even longer back still

 

I started thinking, getting down

feeling the pounds add up knowing not what to do

then a little rage built up inside me

an my eyes turned red from blue

 

I am NOT going quietly into the good night

misquoted part of me from inside

unless something falls off I am going to fight

I will live life with pride.

 

so at 11:30 in the evening I started my run

I did not even look at my watch

and sure enough there was pain, not fun

but this pain I could describe to everyone

 

This was the pain of fear, and the unknown

the feeling that you are alone in your task

I was determine unless something fell off

I would wear my athlete’s mask

 

as I turned the first block and could see my goal

the one half mark in sight.

all of a sudden my instincts kicked in

I remembered how to do it right.

 

I never did like running I smiled to myself

the mask I was wearing went back on the shelf

because the pain has turned into a memory

replaced by resolve and aggression that will not melt

 

The next I remember I am tuning back

remembering techniques lost in my past

breathe in breathe in 1,2,3, breathe out 1,2,3

I can finally relax.

 

 

How fast did I run it, was it a record pace.

would I have been embarrassed if I were in a race

It was slow I know it, but the fact sill remains true

I kick my but to run now the mile is through

 

Not to make this longer, but I feel I should explain

this was not about running, it was about the pain

 

 


We Are Glorious

 

I am Catholic too and the I listen to the sermons

sometimes I get right out and leave

before I red your post I was wondering if I had lost Him

and suddenly I felt something in me

 

my helping hands acted automatically

I felt the need to speak

but the place that I am in right now

my words may be a bit weak

 

so use your imagination or your logic

if you must

All you really need to have

is trust

 

Trust that in the sunrise of tomorrow

God has placed a small portion of his glory

in the western horizon when the sun sets

God has placed a small portion of his glory

in the night moon and all the stars

God has placed a small portion of his glory

 

Oh there is glory left Lots and lots and lots

and it is not hard to see

it is in the souls

of you and me

 

sure there will be rain clouds

but the sun will still rise and set

there are clouds in our minds as well

but please never forget

 

weather we see it or not,

we are glorious.


Welcome Weary Stranger

 

 

 

 

Name: vic

Email: N/A

Subject: welcome weary stranger

Date: Aug 19, 1998 at 08:04 EST

 

To those of you that read the words,

but feel you don't belong.

please feel free to speak your mind

and help us in our song

 

we sing the blues, we sing the Reds

we sing a little off key

the most important thing of all

is this is about you and me

 

the people here are friendly

all are very sincere

and some of us have a sense of humor

most some of us have tears

 

I know first hand that never before

have I ever known a "place"

that I could say "I don't care"

right to someone's face.

 

Here is a place that I can speak my mind

and at least someone will understand

Here we find the normal people

that can lend a helping hand.

 

and a smile:)


What If

What if I do tell you all the things

you really don’t want to hear

would any of the facts change

would would life become less clear

 

What if I take advantage

of every weakness and strength I posses

would the facts change

would I live with more or less?

 

What if I do give you all the answers

to the tests that life has in store

would the fact change

would you end up with much more

 

what if I make a promise

I do not intend to keep

will the facts change

will I burn for eternity

 

 

What if I do nothing

more than sit right here and breathe

would the fact change

yes they would indeed

 

when I talk

when I take

when I give

when I make

I live

 

When I do noting

I exist.

 

 

 

 


What Is The Point

I really wish I could take control

of my life that I am living

I am old enough to be self sufficient

and to society I should be giving

 

aw what the heck does complaining do

I will live until I die

I think I will just go back to sleep

and keep drawing SSDI.

 

 


When Does It Get Better

When does it get better

I need the exact date

at least assurance that

I am not way too late

 

maybe it got better

when I was sound asleep

maybe I missed the call

this may be all for me

 

God may never smile

the way I want him to

wishes made on twilight stars

may never even come true

 

I am way beyond frustrated

but have not yet given up

ho much does life want to treat me

like the local dump

 

maybe giving up will help

maybe I should give that a try

just sit here in my bed

and cry


Why

I saw the pictures on TV I still cannot believe

that terror can be quite so real

CNN showed time and again the sequence of events

I feel bad about the way I feel

Thousands of people died today all I can say is wow

I feel like I just saw a flick

As sure as am here today I feel those actors will walk away

it was just a smoke and mirrors trick

There couldn't have been anyone inside the missing piece

of the pentagon that protects the world

upon a New York on a sound stage the cameras produced

explosions that cause blood to curl

 

There were people there was no warning

I am scared

the tragic number of fatalities

is beyond compare

 

there are more that are

physically hurt

the world has changed today

we are more alert

 

I feel bad I want to cry

but all I can do as ask, why?

 


AFRIEND

What I am looking for in a friend

 

a pulse would be nice

to have in a friend

an a smile yeha a smile

and a laugh that isn't pretend.

 

Female I think

I happen to like them more

call me old fashioned

call me a bore

 

but when dancing cheek to cheek

I just feel I am in trouble

when I feel the grit

of razor stubble

 

I like honesty

It is reality swell

but knowing when to lie

can save a bit of hell.

 

No I am not saying

I approve of bold face lies

but sometimes to keep the peace

fibs at times arise.

 

But I always tell the truth

never do I sway

(I like a person gullible too

really I'd rather a brain).

 

Oh I could go on and on

till both feet were in my mouth

it is a curse it is how I write

it is how my thoughts get out.

 

but I will be kind, at least I will find

if you care for me to say hello again

or maybe Dr. Seus is not your style

when it comes to friends.

 

 


A Writer's Pride

 

It was told to me long ago

back when I was still in school.

that to write it is to reveal your soul

and take the comments -- bad and cruel

 

leave out one strand of your moral fiber

from what it is you say

hold back an ounce your convictions

and you're just sharpening the blade

for your words will cut right through

who you believe you are

and sleep will only get easier

once you accept from a far

that your pen is not longer a tool you use

to state the way you feel

but rather it is what you use

whenever you want a meal

 

for it is easy to white in the public eye

when you say what has been heard

and never contradict the golden rule

... uh, I mean the golden word.

 

"This is as he said,

"It is as it was

"He has a smart head.

"It is a great cause

"He was so right

"She was not wrong

"There is only darkness at night

"Everyone belongs.

 

As you minstrel to the public's ear

and get a feel of what to say

what the masses want to hear

the dollars you'll find some day

 

but to publish all that is in your heart, without regard to what may subside

may leave you dead and poor with only a writer's pride

 

 

 

 


Count The Heartbeats

How many heartbeats till I can laugh again

there must be a certain count

How many I want to know till I can cry

only when I know that I am crying about

 

There must be a certain number

I am sure it is extremely big

that can indicate how much more

how many heartbeats until I can finally live

 

I am keeping count inside my head

because I know some day some how

I will find out the magical number

I will continue to count

 

When that last beat comes flowing through my veins

I will jump and dance and sing

for I will have all I want

every last imaginable dream

 

But what if that heartbeat never comes

I mean there is "another" numbered too

maybe I should try to find

an "alternate route"

 

A path that is set for only me

that takes me where I must go

It may mean breaking from the ordinary

aside from the straight and narrow

 

Maybe I might do more than just wait

for that med to cure my will

for it will only take longer

and longer if I only stand still.

 

I said all that to a person, years ago

as he looked at me from a mirror.

Maybe tomorrow will finally be the day

the answer will become clear.

 

how many heartbeats will it take?

 

 

 

 


Emotions

I write my poems once in a while

sometimes I get one right

if I am lucky I will get a smile

for a not so badly written line

 

I can always pull a tear

from a concerned and gullible eye

just by writing a line of fear

I don't even have to try

 

I suppose I can juggle base emotions

that is what poems do

by giving or implying simple notions

the words make the feelings true

 

Death and dying is so so sad

this is known to everyone

but when I write of the glory it has

a different experience it does become

 

and sixteen candles oh what joy

at least it usually is

unless there is the monologue

of missing that first kiss.

 

yes emotions are what the poems are about

not just words and rhyming

I mean "Sam I am" is just a phrase

but green eggs, "yuck" they sound slimey

 

 

 

 


 

Faith

Flor,

I did tell you I am a poet, but left out the reason why.

I write to understand who I am and what I feel.

what is faith?

I have been faced with this question.

far too many times

and I pray for clear direction

as I type this rhyme

 

When I was young I understood

that faith took no more that belief

the years have proven faith to be more

that just what I conceive

 

I mean I can say I have faith in you,

but that is somewhat tame

Kinda like saying I love Chocolate

when love you are trying to explain

 

The faith I speak of and wish to understand

if only in my limited way

is the faith in my Lord's merciful hand

The faith I have today.

 

I like to sleep, as some who know me are aware

And in sleep I find an example of true faith

for while twelve were fearing death by storm

Jesus slept his peace with God was made

He was startled to see the look of fear

in the faces he had known

I am sure they believed strongly

I am sure that day their faith did grow

 

You see faith needs all of a person

the mind the soul, the spirit.

and when there is faith inside me

I can almost hear it

It is as if I can walk the path

and know that I am walking right

even if the darkness that surrounds me

is of a cloudy moonless night

 

What Faith Means To Me

 

Faith makes me confident

not that I can or I will

I just know the I am

and that is such a thrill

 

I pray to Jesus constantly

I make my life a prayer

for once when I was smaller

I prayed for one more breath of air

 

And soon I prayed

for one more breath every time I breath

well it became very simple

to listen when the Lord talks to me

 

I must make clear I am the product

of many people's constant prayers,

most of which were for my health

when I needed care

 

What about the topic

at hand here and now

Faith is what I am here to describe

Faith is what this is about

 

Prayer is essential

to the faith in me

from the casual conversation

to when I fall to my knees.

 

The more faith is in me

the clearer it becomes

danger is not necessarily evil

and evil will be overcome

 

I do not hold a claim wisdom,

and knowledge is not my goal

so maybe I am wrong in what I see

maybe I am a fool

but when I sleep, I sleep well knowing

God is in control.

Believe it or not I was bugged that I could not even take a shot in the dark when asked what faith is. it has been a long time since anyone challenged me to think it feels good thanks. I have never had a pen pal, but would really like to correspond by mail. I am curious to read what you have to say about faith. If not, I am patient, we'll "talk" when you get back on-line; if you so desire. God willing I will see you at the picnic later this month, along with all the other smiling faces

 

Does everyone always smile that much in Canada? or is it just me?

 

Bye for now,

Vic


Friends

Once in a while, there comes along

someone you can count on to be there

at times it seems that he alone

is the answer to your prayers

 

Still again there is the one

that can never do you wrong

and then there is that person

that loves all your favorite songs

 

But I tell you girl take them in stride

their names will come and go

to make it in the halls of friendship

you have to have only one thing to know

 

there is only one side to him

That is not the one that the mirror shows

that is not the one that everyone knows

that is not the one that is jolly and fun

that is not the one that can handle a gun

that is not the one that can make the pope cry

that is not the one that will always try

that is not the one that will hold your chair

that is not the one that notices you are there

 

friendship is built like a very fine mirror

every time you meet you grow nearer and nearer

and soon the friend will appear to you

as someone you know through and through

 

My friends are like an antique mirror

that has imperfections century old.

and every day I have to take on faith

that our friendship will continue to unfold.

 

 

 

 

Hello

Hello :)

 

I was to leave this blank

that was to be the effect.

but then I may never ever get this chance

to vie for a touch of respect.

 

I am not a bad person as people go,

still I have to admit

I would be the lucky one should you and I

go walking down the street

 

 

Oh I can be handsome,

I am sure you are a babe

and with can ooze out of our pores

 

But I fell there would be a presence

an aoura if you will

and you will the one to be adored.

 

How do I how this

how can I know

to be honest I don't

but I had to say more than

hello.

vic

 

 

 

If

If You Are Reading This

 

I have never lost a friend.

I have never lost a love.

I have never lost a dollar.

that I didn't think of.

 

I can't stop you from sleeping Rose

I know better than to try.

If you never read this

I will try not to cry

 

I will try.

 

But If you read this you will know that

I am writing from the heart.

and the journey is almost over

even you chose not to start.

 

It will be rougher every day

and this I will assure to you

that yesterday wasn't the last

day that you couldn't pull through.

 

I will try

 

No, tomorrow has its demons

and they are stronger than you think

You have walked throughout hell Rose

and in your strength you forgot to blink

 

Pictures are engraved in your soul no man should endure

Dante could have used them

You must. Use them. Find beauty. Find the pure.

 

I will try.

 

Rose I know that it seems we've no power

at times to even take another step.

and sometimes even to breathe

takes too much pep.

 

but alas rose I am telling you there will be a moment

that you look back at a century gone by

and laugh loudly at satin and hell and earth from heaven.

after I draw my last breath I will try.

 

 

 


Impress

Impress her I must,

I know that I can

I must show her

that I am more than a man.

 

Rise to every occasion

Fall at her whim

praise her beauty

from head to limb.

 

But did I not say

Just a few short years ago

as I saw big brother

as he was putting on a show.

 

It was clear to see with every move

that the maiden was looking for him

and obviously he had not a clue

a he turned the lights down dim

 

And when I grow up,

I will never surrender

to the forces of evil

my body puts me under

 

I am me! Only me.

that is who I am.

not at a fish in a stream

showing off my dance.

 

I am kind , I am generous

I am funny so I am told

but most of all

My heart is not he least cold.

 

Any smart female will see this at once

and jump at the chance if the catch.

that is what I said back when I was young.

oh the bliss of those days.


 

Just Hi

 

I have said it time and again but this time is different I suppose.

my mood swings are happening now is my chance to live life and just let go.

To bad I am " disabled"

to bad I am "over weight"

To bad I am "Bipolar"

to bad I am not straight.

To bad I don't have all my senses

and it is a shame I can't think

To bad I am not "normal"

If I rise I will just sink.

 

Well I find it hard to label

a bird that fell out of the tree.

I mean chick is probably destine

to be a cats entrée'

 

the only thing that happened

in most cases you will find

is that there was a eager young foul

that really wanted to fly.

Thanx to its high-strung spirit

the little bird must lie in the grass

not knowing just when which

peep will be its last.

 

So he sits there still and quiet,

even when Mom has a relay neat worm

he worries of danger all around him

even when there is no harm

He wakes up from sleep wanting to scream

when he realizes the flashback was just a dream

soon he weighs less than he should

so flight is not easy -- that's no good

 

And finally comes the day he can fly.

It is the day he must fly.

 

Then nature, time and instincts take

their course, and soon the skies are graced with a

hawk that once lived like a mouse.


 

My 2 Cents

There are times that I remember well

that my world was a living breathing hell

never did I have a prayer

the worst part was that I did not care.

 

well day by day those that believed

that I could be more than constant grief

prayed prayers sincere, from the heart

and little by little the healing did start.

 

when I say little I mean little

the healing is going slow,

but for some time now

I know the way to go.

 

I can look in the mirror

and in my eyes

the ere is a Loooooong tunnel

and at the end I see light

 

the light is the part I once used to use

to fight when I was down and confused.

and it is getting closer, and bigger, and bright

now I remember how to fight.

 

when the winds are blowing and the rain really hurts

and there is no place to hide,

that is when I push and do my best to stand straight

Knowing I will not die.

I have pride,

 

and many times the softest winds have knocked me down

and times I did not want to get up

but the fire inside me soon overcomes

all that bad icky stuff.

 

today I ran past the three mile mark

and that was a personal victory

I say this not to brag, well yes I do

I am sorry, but you see.

 

Never in my wildest dreams

did I ever conceive

that maybe just maybe

I could ever compete.

 

again

 

I am not running to be skinny or strong

I run because I believed all along

that God had taken my talents away

I see he was just storing them for another day

 

I know I can't be the only one to feel the sting

of a passionate heart that dying to sing

 

again

 

I hate to run is the bottom line.

but if I can do it then VICTORY is mine.

because I could do it before

when I was sane and in line

 

why tell you this I am sure you may ask

am I rubbing it in because I can?

no my friends I am not quite that cold

there is actually a sense of challenge in this poem

 

I know it is hard to push fear aside.

and try to come back after being pushed aside,

maybe at time it may seem so unfair.

but we are strong all of us the proof is

-- we are here

 

What is the challenge, what do I dare,

well that is up to you what ever is fair.

that is right you read it I said fair

maybe

see the outside once a day

make a cake or delicious soufflé'

once every day go for a walk

once every month give junior a talk

ride that bike hanging in the garage

start painting again, using the brush.

 

try to remember one thing from your past

that used to make the good times last.

 

and if you have not recent recollection

of things that once were fun.

the you my friend have a double challenge

if you choose to just find one,

 

I can't tell you how to go about

finding the dream of your own

but I do know this life is hard without

a vision to call your own

 

I know I have typed more than usual

and maybe it makes no sense

it is just my opinion, and I stand by my words

this is just my 2 cents.

 

 

 

 

 


Sometime

Me desistí del gran secreto

Que nos permita talvez añadir

Cién letras más al alfabeto

Y tengo fe al predecir

Que alguna vez habrá palabras

Que expresarán lo que quiero decir

Y habrá una balada

Que cantará la ilusión

Que hay en mi

Que alguna vez tendremos alas

Para volar, volar y volar

Y al terminar cada jornada

En una estrella

Poder descansar

 

You have told of the grand seacret

You might have permited us to aument

Without leters let alone an alpheebt

Still I have faith in what I say

Some day there will be te words

That express what I have to say

Someday there will be a ballad

that sings the illusion

that is me

Sometime we will have wings

To fly, and fly and fly

and at the end of every days journy

upon a star

we will find rest

 

We are aware of the grand secret

That we might have even have to augment

No leters to realy upon let alone an alphebet

Still I have faith when I say

Some day there will be the words

So that my intentions will be heard

Someday there will be a ballad

that sings the illusion

that is me

Sometime we will have wings

To fly, fly and fly

and at the end of journying

upon a star

we will find rest.

Spring is Near

 

it is cold, the sky is gray

soon spring will be on its way

the plants will grow

the words will sing

telling of the sun

summer will bring

cook outs, fireworks, and longer days

bricklayers making better pay

for now just sit and bide some time

enjoy the sunshine in your mind


The Waterfall In My Mind

 

Spring is when the mountains cry

for part of it is melting away

Tear by tear, inch by inch

a river begins to live again

 

life is removed from the mountain

as erosion takes its toll

but the tears are tears of joy

as the river looses control.

 

Every year the mountain has been patient,

the mountain is patient still

for each year nature shows

there is beauty in that there hill.

 

The flow it is raging

with caps of white and all.

Mother nature is carefully staging

the beauty of a water fall.

 

The edge of the mountain is cut just so

and this I know for certain

that no fabric known to man

will make a more elegant curtain.

 

The illusion is awesome from a distance

but as my boat gets near

The shear magnitude of the motion involved

causes excitement and raw fear.

 

Still I have to know

what it fells like on the other side

as I steer the craft with nerves of steel

it is a matter of pride.

 

WOW what a sight I have to remember

next time I come see this

to bring her along

it is perfect for a kiss.

 

I am sure they were here all along

and I was just too nervous to note.

Rainbows bright as any I have seen

all around my boat.

 

I feel as though I am Noah

and this would be my arc

and God himself is speaking to me

in the colors as bright as they are.

 

As I float away I am somewhat sad

I am leaving such majestic glory behind

the farther I go I know I will survive

thanks to the waterfall in my mind.


 

The Solution

 

 

 

Name: vic

Email: N/A

Subject: The solution

Date: Feb 08, 1999 at 08:52 EST

 

There was a day actually a night

that I decided to die

I knew that I would be happier

at least it was worth a try.

 

I took a 2 liter bottle

dissolved a bunch of stuff

anything I could find

that would kill me just enough

 

I succeeded I was dead

the monitors line was flat

my solution worked

how about that

 

for years I believed

I really was dead

when life is hell

it plays with your head.

 

Thank God you are alive

everyone would say

I hate that still

I hate it this day.

 

alas time passed, I healed

and I learned to smile

I even learned to dream

 

recently I have discovered

that dreams come true

if you have faith and you believe.

 

The solution ... the answer

the best angle to take

 

Lies not our perception

but rather the life we make

 

in our least significant prayers.

 

 

Your decisions are your own

to say death is not a choice

well that would be a lie,

One I cannot voice

 

but the way I see it

there will come a day

the door to life will close

why not fight just one more day

 

 

 

 


 

God’s Mistake.

 

Over here to your left

you will plainly see

God's mistake

that would be me

 

framed in indecision

unique and not quite right

lacking the will

to fight

 

notice the texture

the brush stokes are all wrong

his point of view is skewed

his stubbornness is very strong

 

Standing next to David

by Michael Angelo

his flaws almost laughable

any one would know

 

I shine like a star at night

David only glows

my eyes are proof of life

my windows to my soul

 

I can think of laughter

and I can think of pain

I can comfort a friend

I can be comforted again

 

I have God inside me

David well he does not

I love and I am loved

That really means allot

 

Angelo carved the perfect man

front stone he chiseled away

I sand before you a masterpiece

my imperfections make me that way.

 


The Brightest Star

 

Somewhere in the dark of night

there shines the brightest star

really really really bright

and really really far

 

Once this star was very faint

not much to see at all

less than a tiny drop of pain

the star was oh so small

 

Every night the star would wish

someday that it would be so

to shine brighter than the night before

the star wanted to grow

 

So, the little star ate every thing

that was on its plate

soon other stars were noticing

how the little star radiates

 

The star grew bigger and brighter

each and every passing night

and stronger and faster

the star soon took to flight

 

While other stars were falling

because they were so tired

the little star grew brighter

flying higher and higher

 

The star loved to play allot

dance and jump and sing

and when the star got way too hot

the star enjoyed resting

 

now . . .

 

Helping is what the brightest star

really likes to do

twinkling way up in the sky

all the long night through

 

Twinkle twinkle way up high

guiding ships across the sea

on the dark and starry nights

is where the brightest star will be

 

So when the sun has gone to sleep

after a long and busy day

take a look you might see

the brightest star so far away.

 

The End.

 

 


Creation

 

Creation is so simple

all you have to do

is simply apply talents

that have been afforded you

 

a sculptor sees a statue

in a hunk of rock

a chef conjures up tasty treats

with whatever he has got

 

a gardener turns an empty land

into a garden so serene

an artist approaches canvas

with visions yet unseen

 

a poet can write a poem

simply just because

a priest can write a sermon

worthy of applause

 

even an accountant

can create a tax return

teachers can create

so kids can learn

 

the list is endless

there is no doubt

that is what the

whole world is all about

 

creation is so simple

there is one link for what it is worth

every one that can create

can thank their mom for birth.

 

 

 

 


Another Ships Passing Poem

Theresa,

 

(Another Ships Passing Poem)

 

not so long ago, not as long as one would think

men would sail the waters alone

ships would traverse the seas for long periods of time

men would have only memories of home

 

once in a great while, I would imagine

a ship would be spotted from crows nest

even the least faithful on board either vessel

would pray no harm would be met

 

for a flag is only colors on a cloth

many times it did so deceive

pirates were a fact of life

an unfortunate reality

 

once it was clear to the captains

friends not foe were floating near

the celebration must have been clamorous

joyous and sincere

 

I am certain there were conversations

and ale to be had

alas too soon the ships would continue

on their previous path

 

sure the ships would sail

on their predetermined course

but thanks to their encounter

their spirit would be restored

 

So it was I imagine

a long long time ago

I suppose I could be wrong

but I really do not think so

 

a long few weeks have passed

our sails, and courses are set

to be honest in the years to come

much you have told me I probably will forget

 

but as I look at the stars at night

largely thanks to you

I will rest assured fighting the good fight

is what I want to do.


Poetic Rrefraction

I wasn’t satisfied with what I said

as to why I write this way

let me just take a sec and understand

to try to set the record straight

 

when I rhyme the words just flow

as if blood from my soul

I don’t have any choices

I have no control

 

the words are not what I want to say

the words are not organized in a special way

the words are not refined

the words are not in my mind

 

the words just flow

 

(I would have deleted the top part)

Poetic Refraction

 

I was told a long time ago

everyone has a rainbow inside

they are sometimes hard to see

because of vanity and pride

 

I must admit I am quite proud

and my rainbow is buried kinda deep

but when I write my poetry

it is my rainbow that you see

 

Vic.


My First Real Attempt at Suicide

 

I remember why I started town the road I am on

I wasn’t angry

I wasn’t depressed

I wasn’t feeling down

I just wanted to move on

I wanted to see what would happen

 

I knew that there was more to life

than the life that I was living

I thought that I was being fair

that the fates would be forgiving

 

I looked at my options

one at a time

long and hard

I did

every one took too much work

I just wanted to seize to live

 

then in a moment of enlightenment

I realized all I had to do

 

nothing

 

I would eat when I was hungry

I would sleep when I was tired

I was tired

I would bathe if I was dirty

my plan was so inspired

 

no more pills I reasoned

soon my condition would be such

that suicide will be so welcome

once I get our of touch

 

that was a thought that passed my mind

for a moment but not too long

because for a day or two

there was nothing wrong

 

I felt finer than I ever had

in a looooon long time

I knew that I was manic

but I did not seem to mind

 

I knew the crash was coming

I fear it is still to come

I know that I will soon find

that feeling is just too much

 

still I had a little hope

that dangerous water of the soul

I prayed so hard every conscious minute

that I was in control

 

I know my prayers were answered

because here I sit right now

at the cross roads of hell and earth

I decide where to go and how

 

I can drive my car to the doors

that will lead me back to where I was

or I can drive till I run out of gas

in more ways than one I suppose

 

live one minute at a time

is all that I can try

I am confident that I will revert

to my first real attempt of suicide

 

You see I set a plan in motion

long before today

I made a promise to myself

that I really don’t want to break

 

I reasoned that eternity

is a really really long time

and no one can say with certainty

what I am going to find

 

I will not go easy into that good night

I will fight and rage

I will die soon enough

hopefully of old age

 

okay technically that is not suicide

it is just the opposite I suppose

but I made a promise I will try to keep

and that’s the way it goes.

 

 

11/12/03 10:46:46 AM

I stopped taking my meds 8 days ago.

I don’t know why

I do not feel like apologizing. I do honestly feel it was due to several factors:

* the Ambilify had an effect of making me feel suicidal at night. I went to see the doc about this but it is only in hind sight that I can realize that the reason she didn’t see anything wrong is because the med was actually working. When I went to see her I was feeling normal. he funny thing about my suicidal thoughts was that it was more of a feeling than a conscious thought. so when the feeling was gone I had no reason to despair

or eve think about feeling bad. It is kinda like a every time I take my car to the mechanic complaining about that little wakka wakka noise it was making when I made the appointment to see him. well when I got in the garage there was no wakka wakka noise. He is a very competent mechanic

as my doctor is very competent too (as a doctor); but try as he did he could not recreate the noise or find out what was wrong. It turns out I need a new timing belt on my car because 20

000 miles later every time it rains I hear “wakka wakka” . One of theses days I am going to look into that.

* I need to have someone to talk to. someone that isn’t living with me that I can use as a soundboard. possibly a consoler

or something. I need the help of a trained professionals to guide me thru some of my life choices. I was seeing a consoler

but he kept asking me “what do you expect me to do?” I kept telling him all kinds of crap like -- help me find work

or find out how I am lacking as a person

or help me enlarge my social circle

but the truth was I don’t need someone that has an agenda in fixing me

but rather someone that is willing to listen to what is happening in my life and professionally talk to me about what it is they think.

* I need a social group. My family loves me I know that but there is a certain aspect of support they cannot provide. from a mental health aspect I need to be able to just relax and be around friends. I could probably write a book on this point from other angles.

 

I am really too tired and messed up to think. I do want to leave myself a note to look into possible solutions to these points I have mentioned because I know I will not be so motivated once I start my meds again.

 

I did start an exercise regime and I think it is good. I trying to work out every day

at least 10-20 minutes. I think I should stay on that.

 


 

 

Mistakes II

Mistakes

 

I want to cry I want to scream

I can't believe I let myself dream

not once did I even think to prepare

for the feeling of despair

that is failure

 

there was pride and vanity in my face

this blow really put me in my place

I had a bad day

that is all I can say

 

that is all it was

I stumbled on my way to the top

I fell and I stayed down

instead of getting up

 

I have worked so hard to become

the person I am now

I have fallen in the past

I have gotten up somehow

 

the choice is mime to get up tomorrow

and meet the challenge of the day

or in my self pity

let time and opportunity slip away

 

it isnt as easy as it my seem

I am bruised and I want to heal

but that is not my style

I am Victor an that is how I feel

 

I can cry later if I so desire

when there is something to cry about

what good is this bit of wounded pride

that I can do without

 

I have faith that God has a plan

for every breath I take

I pray that I have the faith to be strong

and learn from my mistakes

I Was to be a Millionaire

I was to be a millionaire

and mary a beautiful wife

kids

I would have at least two

that was to be my life

 

I was to write the greatest poem

this world has ever read

at least be published

just one book before I was dead

 

I was to have a good job

one that pays he bills

and lets me fly to see the ocean

just for the thrill

 

I was to write a song or two

in my spare time for fun

and take pleasure in the spotlight

as they soar to number one

 

I was to have a great big house

with a seven car garage

the dinner parties I would host

would never be very large

 

I was to have a bank account

that I wouldn’t even understand

and an accountant I could trust

to make sure there was cash on hand

 

I was to live a life so great

and never even cry

I see now “I was”

was just a lie.

 

 

 


I am Vic I am New Here

I am Vic

I am new here

I think better when I rhyme

it is not that I am casual

it is my expressive side

 

I was diagnosed Bipolar

October 26

1991

that was the day I first went manic

and life as I now know it begun

 

I was lucky to respond

to lithium right of the bat

it didnt take me months or years

to find out what I had

 

Bipolar I a textbook case

they said I would never work again

I have yet to prove the doctors wrong

but I will in the end

 

I was a rapid cycler

and it took me years to understand

that alcohol and medicine

dont go hand in hand

 

I spent 2 months in a psych ward

in 1994

I got allot of education

I received so much more

 

finally I saw a doctor

that didnt see me as a text book case

I was a person to her

she saw the pain in my face

 

She talked to me and listened

and got me on some meds

that to this day I take

each night when I go to bed

 

I have been a snow bird

for oh about seven years

never holding a job too long

because of my manic tears

 

This past year I have settled down

in Cleveland for a while

I want to make a friend or two

I want to live n style

 

I have my own problems

loneliness and depression at times

but I also have a family that loves me

they keep me doing fine

 

well

I have typed your ear off

I am sure we will talk again soon

I just wanted to say "HI-HO"

and that I wold love to hear from you.

 

Vic.

 

 


For Shame

 

many times I walk alone

even in among friends

wearing a finely crafted mask

I dare to pretend

 

I tell myself that no one can see

the horror in my eyes

I tell myself again

I know I lie

 

I can hear the whispers

I when my back is turned

I can feel the wind of change

fuel the torches that burns

 

the dance just seemed to happen

I did not write the song

life knocked me down a notch

but not for long.

 

slowly the sun is fading

the mask that I have made

time and time again

I have found no shade

 

In the Son’s light I can see

that I am not so bad

God made me in his image

that helps me when I am sad

 

now whenever I hear a whisper

I turn around and see

others are just talking

not even about me

 

the winds of change blow strongly

but they always have

the best thing I can do

is laugh

 

for what did I suffer

for what was so wrong

for what made me so weak

when I was so strong

 

for shame.

 


Another Weekend

 

another weekend will soon be here

officially at five

time to relax

time to unwind

time to be alive

 

maybe I will do nothing at all

that sounds kinda nice

if I like doing nothing one day

I may just do it twice

 

maybe I will catch a matinee

there are some movies I want to see

maybe I will just buy a pizza

and rent a DVD

 

maybe I will do some laundry

I suppose I really should

my closet is quite empty

yes

laundry would be good

 

maybe I will see the game

at a local sports bar

win or lose I will have fun

that is how Browns fans are

 

Friday night

Saturday

and Sunday

What am I to do?

I can’t wait to find out

how about you?

 


Workitis

 

to be invisible

in plain light

to be darkness

in the night

to live

to only exist

to love

without a kiss

to work each day

eight to five

a paycheck proves

I am alive

taxes are paid

each week I am told

week by week

I get old

someday I will look back

someday I will see

the lack of vision I have

the missed opportunities

today I sleep till it is night

then I sleep some more

when I wake I go to work

just like the day before

not for money

not for fame

just for something to do

what a shame

What to do

What to do

 

when I was young I was told

by a man of wealth and means

that to be successful and happy

I had to stop wearing jeans

 

I had to grow up

I had to fly right

I had to make money

every day

every night

My Father told me it wasn’t so.

 

models and movie stars

told me the secret to success

was to work on your looks

and spend money on your dress

 

I had to stop eating

I had to work out each day

I had to turn the man in the mirror

into a Greek god of clay

My Father told me it wasn’t so.

 

eat laugh and be merry

for tomorrow there may be none

that was bliss for me

existing to have fun

 

I had to feel good

I had to eat

I had to consume

to be complete

My Father told me it wasn’t so.

 

there she was

standing in my head

happiness was life with her

without her I was dead

 

I had to have her

I had to dream her

I had to think her

she was perfect

My Father told me it wasn’t so.

 

One day I was infuriated

because I was right

determine to win

I was going to fight

 

I had to fight

I had to kill

I had to enforce

my stubborn will

My Father told me it wasn’t so.

 

to die and pay taxes

was all I had to do

after all nothing ever changes

into what I want it to

 

I had to do nothing

I had everything I need

I has only to exist

like a naturally planted seed.

My Father told me it wasn’t so.

 

Gates had so much money

Britny looks so fine

Banderas has all the ladies

their lot in life is so much better than mine

 

I had to be better than him

I had to have his dream

I had to have the latest and greatest

that is the way it seemed

My Father told me it wasn’t so.

 

 

My Father is in heaven

His name is holy indeed

He delivers me from evil

He gives me all I need

He is patient and forgiving

He as taught me to be the same

He is in control of what

I should do today.


This Particular Moment

 

this particular moment

is not the best time in my life

I am unemployed

living with my folks

at 36 that cuts like a knife

 

I don’t exactly fit the image

of a model on TV

I guess I should just get over it

I am fat and I will always be

 

I cant seem to get motivated

to find a job

to lose some weight

I try

I think of my failed attempts

and I don’t feel so great

 

My friend this is the moment

the instant I will point to

some day in the future

that I started saying “I DO”

 

I will say “I CAN”

I will say “I WILL”

I will say “I AM WORTH IT”

 

I am tired of feeling tired

I am tired of feeling pain

and I know that some days

all I will want to do is complain

 

I am bipolar it is true

that means I can get away

with doing hardly nothing

each and every day

 

but I am also ME

I know that a positive thought

can get me out of bed

as good as any med that I bought

 

at this particular moment

I feel the fire of hope burn

and tomorrow I start living

because it is MY TURN.


 

Spring Daze

 

 

when you look out your window

at another beautiful spring day

wishing you could just get up

and go outside to play

 

try to remember the trials

try to remember the pains

try to remember the troubles

when you were only eight

 

Life was oh so unfair

nobody listened to you

no one seemed to care

about your point of view

 

sitting in a desk

the spring day is so inviting

what was so important

about reading and writing

 

Now you sit behind a desk

when the day is so nice

I suppose that growing up

does come with a price

 

oh but what a bargain:

 

two great children

their love and respect

friends that say kind words of you

and a schedule that’s a mess

(I would love a messy schedule)

 

A job albeit a hard one

that brings home food and more

a fighting spirit

and your sense of humor

 

you have your looks and fashion sense

your wit and sarcastic mind

I could type forever

but I do have a point to find

 

Oh yeha I remember

the window and the great day outside

and helping you feel better

that to that desk you are tied

 

I cant change the fact

that you yearn to run and play

I only hope some sunlight

shines on your blessings today

 

 


Sleepless

another sunrise

starts another day

more energy pulses

thru my tired veins

 

I get out of bed

as I did the day before

knowing the sleep I need

is not what is in store

 

I have to laugh

I have to pretend all is right

knowing that I survived

yet another sleepless night

 

I hear people talk

it makes no sense

when I walk

I am on a fence

when I breath it hurts

my muscles remain ever tense

I look okay

under false pretense

 

the sun sets

evening starts

energy surges

thru my tired heart

 

I envy the day

that has just gone by

I envy the fact

that the day did die

 

I want to sleep

I need to sleep

I want to stop breathing

it hurts

 

my muscles ever tense

I want to feel nothing

 

1:30 in the morning

I type a stupid poem

energy fills my head

I think my hair needs to be combed

 

I have taken all my meds

and drank my herbal tea

meditated to soft music

after doing Tai Chi

earlier today I did exercise

so that I would get tired

and my muscles feel the pain

I am wired for the moment

it is hard to explain

 

I want to sleep

I will sleep

I sleep

eventually

I am tired.

 

 


Winter Mood

I have to wear so many clothes

just to go outside

winter seems such a bummer

looking thru my eyes

 

soon the snow starts falling

and then my cousin comes to play

we make the bestest snowman

on a sunny winters day

 

I can hear her laughter

on the crystals of her breath

as she hits me with a snowball

my clothes are all soaking wet

 

suddenly I am seeing winter

from a different point of view

the cold can be invigorating

depending what I do

 

the hot coco tastes so good

with little marshmallows and all

I forgot all about

summer

spring

and fall

 

it took a little child

to teach me this lesson but good

it is not the day on the calendar

that dictates my mood.

 

Vic


A Day in the Life

 

I want to write about the times

that are not really so bad

the moments that life is good

and I am not feeling sad

 

but for some unspoken reason

those ideas never seem to sell

ordinary life is ordinary

there is nothing much to tell

 

to wake up in the morning

tired from a long peaceful sleep

wanting 9 more minutes

then into the bathroom I creep

 

I wash my face I brush my teeth

I get dressed and eat breakfast too

late for work I rush into my car

only to get caught up in the morning slew

 

I make it to work in time

and before I know it is time for lunch

I eat a fast food burger

I know I shouldn’t do that too much

 

I stare at the clock I swear it is stuck

on ten minutes until five

tired from the days activities

I enjoy my afternoon drive

 

I cook myself some dinner

healthy as I can

catch the evening news

it is going to be sunshiny/rainy/ cloudy again

 

I get my stuff together

and make it to the gym

sweat for a half hour

I’m trying to get thin

 

My favorite television show is on

at 9 o’clock on the television set

I race home to catch it

in my Lazyboy I sit

 

I go outside to admire the stars

it is time for bed

today was a good day

I just thought this had to be said.

 


A Journal Entry 12-8-04

 

it seems like a long long time ago

I was having a realy really hard time

I didn’t think I had anything that mattered

I thought I could have been sold for a dime

 

now I am not sure what has changed

I feel better I feel good

I feel like I am worth soooo much

I think that is just understood

 

my days are full

at night I sleep

rarely do I stop

and think I want to weep

 

I would be lying if I said

that my life was perfect as could be

I still am a bit of a loner

I guess that is just me

 

I would rather have

no friends at all

than just a bunch of names in a phone book

that I never call

 

I am not lonely though

not most of the time

I suppose that is the way

I was made by the one divine

 

all in all I am okay

I like the way life is going

I liked the things I did today

all in all my life is flowing

 

 

 

 


All I Want

well I just erased a long pity party that I a sure would have been appropriate to post

but in retrospect

I am doing okay. I am not particularly depressed at the moment

and I have shelter in my parents house at the moment. I have the desire to lose the weight that I blame all my social problems on. I know there are millions that are looking for work right now

like me. I have things under control

and everything is really okay enough

but there is a HUGE part of me that is screaming in tears because I want more.

 

Thanks for listening

Vic

 

I am lucky to be alive

able to survive

but life is so much more

than hat I have

I want to do more than cry

I want to laugh

I want to do more than complain

I want to sing

I want to do more than feel pain

I want to dance

I want to do more than sleep all day

I want to play

I want to see more people

I want to talk

I want to see more people

I want to listen

I want to do more by the end of the day

I want to have a say

 

to laugh

to sing

to dance

to play

 

to talk

to listen

to have something to say

 

that is all I want.

Back Again


Back Again

 

I have been here before

for my good mood wont last

I prepare for tomorrow carefully

tomorrow will go by so fast

 

I will try to clean the mess

I have made of my life

I one step at a time

I will take care of past strife

 

I will call an old friend

we will talk for some time

I will dance in the evening

till the morning chimes

 

tomorrow is a blessing

I know that is true

I have so many things

that I want to do

 

because I cannot be certain

when the dark moods will come

. . . the dark moods will come

 

I cannot waste energy

thinking about

the things I now have

I will soon have to do without

 

I must remain focused

I must remain clear

for the moment I am happy

I must not introduce fear

 

if after tomorrow

I am still feeling glad

oh the thing I can accomplish

that wont be so bad

 

thank you for listening

I do hope that you are glad

that a moment of sunshine

is now being had

 

if I could I would break

a piece off for you

I can't so I hope

a smile will do

 

:)


Breathe

 

I have read some posts

to painful to recall how many

and fear that my futile words

wont even be wroth a penny

 

I have been at the edge

more than a time or two

and know that reality is

a bit misconstrued

 

life it seems is an option

it seems so simple at the time

but this is not a simple task

hence the tears

the pain

and things are not fine

 

clichés don’t work I wont try

rhetoric about permanent solutions

and you know about the loved ones

and the emotional pollution

 

please take a minute

and just sit and breathe

I know it is hard

but do this much for me

 

breathe in breathe out

for a stranger wit a tear in his eye

breathing hurts I know

but please just try

 

don’t think about tomorrow

don’t think about yesterday

don’t think about the sorrow

don’t think about the pain

 

just think about the air

that is entering you right now

and think about the air

that is going out

 

that is right think of the mechanics

that is a human life

the miracle that is joy

the miracle that is strife

 

know that like the air

that you cant taste or see

there is a reason

for you to be

 

 

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

Copyright © 2004 Victor Venero

 

 


Do not Count on it

 

do not count the minutes

for darkness know no time

as quickly as it entered

it can leave your mind

 

do not count your tears

for the pain will surely stay

if obsession fills your heart

and all hope goes astray

 

do not count on others

for they may not understand

words can sometimes wound

in the guise of a helping hand

 

do not count on medicine

pills can only do so much good

sometimes they don’t work

quite the way they should

 

do not count on unanswered prayers

for the answer may be no

God’s wisdom with all his power

doesn’t always show

 

do not count on anything

to pull you from despair

except for the assurance

that the darkness will not always be there

 

 

I have been feeling down for a long time. I cant remember quite how long

but I know it has been a looooooong time since I really laughed

or enjoyed doing stuff. There have been times I have felt less down than others

but I know that brighter days are ahead

I just hope they are not too far off.

 

Vic.


Freak Show

come on come all pay the price

to see the freak on display

it is worth the cost of admission

on this special day

 

I waited with my bated breath

to see the abomination

I was ready to be so scared

I was really loosing my patience

 

I saw the curtain rise

only to find a crowd

screaming and covering their eyes

and saying "My God" really loud

 

I got up to complain

I wanted a refund

the curtain came back down

before I was done

 

I could not leave

I was in a cage

bars made of diagnosis’s

 

stigmas

and rage

 

Every day would come and go

I would be on display

soon I started putting on a show

it was like a play

 

I began to believe the carnival barker

when he called me names

and I would take every comment personal

I felt I was to blame

 

till one fateful afternoon

there were loving eyes in the crowd

people that cared for me

I did not know why or how

 

I knew that to these people

I was actually quite strong

I opened the door to my cage

it was unlocked all along

 

 

 

Stef

 

I feel like a freak because I dont work too. but talking to my family I realize I am really quite strong

just because of the fight I have fought for the years. I do hold the hope that some day someone will realize that I am a very capable person that has a few unique problems.

 

I do not profess to know your situation

but if you are indeed living in a glass box then I hope you see the sunshine now and again :-)

 

Vic


Gloomy Moments

 

it is hard to take off the grease paint

that shows the world a smile

but that is exactly what you have to do

every once in a while

 

let your hair down

it is okay to frown

that does not make you bad

it only means you are sad

 

in your moments of weakness

try not to forget

that every action has a reaction

try not to regret

 

I wish I could give you a huge hug

and show you that I care

all I can do is write my silly poem

and let you know I am here

 

vic


Goodbye

If this is the last time

that you will hear my voice

then I have to say goodbye

using words of my choice

 

I will try to choose the nicest words

that come into my mind

even though nice thoughts

are kinda hard to find

 

I am thinking that you may

not ever say hello again

and here I was just starting

to look forward to calling you friend

 

I know that you didnt know me

very well but that was about to change

then you dropped from my radar

I didnt hear from you again

 

now it seems you feel that

you are not worth that much

I have to disagree

I have to keep you in touch

 

you may not have hugs for a stranger

you may not even have caring thoughts for friends

but you have the heart you were bourn with

and now it is hurting you to no end

 

maybe it is time

for you to lie in the couch

and tell us what is going on

what life is all about

 

let me feel good for once

because I have helped someone

let us try to comfort you

let us help you find the sun

 

if you decide that this is

just goodbye for good

then may God bring you happiness

you deserve it

that is understood.

 

Vic


Grant Me Strength

 

I woke up this morning to a brand new day

I opened my mouth I had something to say

 

“good morning” was all I heard

“I’m just fine” I couldn’t believe my words

 

I knew there was a storm brewing inside me

clouds of despair so dark that I could barely see

 

I knew that it was just a matter of time

till my outlook on life would be worth less than a dime

 

I wanted to tell my very best friend

but I don’t have a friend to tell

I wanted to tell my family

that I was starting to feel like hell

 

I wanted to scream and dance and show

that I was not doing too good

I wanted to I know I did

I really think I should

 

silence filled my voice today

silence filled my day

maybe tomorrow the clouds will pass

and all this will be a mute point anyway

 

I can fell the way I feel

and wear a greasepaint smile

and if I find myself in the pit

it will only be for a while

 

soon the sun will shine again

I will be silent because I have nothing to say

soon I will be happy

soon I will play

 

I pray

 

Lord please give me strength to endure

the times I am going thru

Lord please let the time pass quickly

so I can do what I have to do

Lord please let me not be a burden

to those that love me so much

Lord let me not lose my sanity

Lord help me stay in touch

Please give me peace to sleep

once in every while

please Lord grant me the strength

to somehow try to smile

Lord if it is not too much trouble

please make my path straight

and guide me through my darkest hours

in Your name I pray.

 

vic


Hi my Name is Victor

Hi my name is Victor

I used to come here allot

I used to give advice sometimes

usually advice was what I got

 

I do look forward to reading

about all of the people here

sharing laughter when I am manic

when I am depressed I will share a tear

 

right now I am not doing so bad

well I have been much worse

it feels good to be back at WOM

and typing in my silly verse.

hopeless

hopeless

the history books will never

even mention my name

up until thins moment

I was sure I was destined for fame

 

I thought I was going to write

a book or maybe invent a doo dad

I was going to make millions of dollars

I was not going to become too bad

 

I know

that I have no skills

I have no real plans

so probably I never will

 

I will probably live my life

dependant on SSDI

and on those that love me

at least until they die

 

I am and will forever be

a burden to society

maybe it would be best

if I were laid to rest

 

vic


How Do I Feel

I cant seem to explain

I dont feel right now

I want to tell someone

but I dont know how

 

I dont feel happy

I dont feel sad

I dont feel good

I dont feel bad

I dont feel normal

I dont feel sick

I dont feel

I dont feel anything

 

I want to write

such beauty and prose

but I cant feel the words

thats the way it goes

 

this too will pass

like the winter cold

then I will feel

maybe I will just feel old

 

maybe I will feel

like I dont want to be

maybe I will feel

pain and suffering

 

at least I will be

able to say

how I feel

on that day.

Hunger to die

Hunger to die

 

I woke up in the morning

I was starved to be dead

I wanted so much to die

at least I did in my head

 

I am not suicidal

I have never really been

just form time to time

I want to do myself in

 

the urge it is quite real

even though I know I wont act

is it fair that I have

this monkey on my back?

 

I feel like I am starving

and I really really want food

but there is no food around

I go without it is just understood

 

every waking moment

I know the urge is there

but I try not to let it bother me

I try not to care

 

I dare not think of eating

of the dish that I desire

for if I do I will forever burn

for eternity in hells fire

 

I hope that I can sleep

I know that I soon will

thanks to the magic

of my Benadryl

 

I will dream of suicide

my tears will wake me once more

at the moment just before I wake

I wonder if I was dead before

 

my first waking breath I feel

the hunger in my soul

dreading yet another day

I must not lose control

 

I am a good kid

at the age of thirty-six

I will hunger in silence

I can get past this


 

I Can Leap Thru Fire

I can leap thru fire

and never feel the burn

till I have had time to think

then I stop and learn

 

I can deal with pressure

the more the better I deal

but it isnt till all is calm

that I start to feel

 

I know that I should crumble

when bad things happen to me

I dont I

I really want to

but I dont you see

 

I want to scream

I want to cry

I want to feel

like I want to die

 

I want to feel compassion

right there and then

I dont and that bugs me

to no end

 

and the feeling of living

as if I was on another world

I thought that just happened to me

the felling is terrible

 

the knowing that I will break down

is little consolation

I think the knowledge is bad

it just ads to my frustration

 

I can type all the words I want

and none will really do any good

because I know what you are asking for

Ian I would give it to you if I could

 

I would tell you the secret

that would make everything just fine

but when I am in limbo times

I just lose my mind

 

I make sure I do my house work

I make sure to keep my job

I try to look presentable

at least not look like a slob

 

I pass the time as you are doing

and you are doing great

I hope by the time you read this

my words will come too late

 

Vic.


I Dont Want To Sleep

I don’t want to sleep

I know that if I do

all my energy

will fall thru

I am so exhausted

my body aches in pain

I don’t want to sleep

I must be insane

I am not really tired

I have energy to spare

I can stay awake for days

but I don’t want to go there

I guess I will take

a couple Benadryl

let my body aches

be cured again by a pill

I don’t want to sleep

but night is wasting fast

I don’t want to sleep

but I am running outta gas

soon I will just be confused

I have been this way before

thinking I am razor sharp

but not making sense no more

I will forget to finish sentences

I will forget to start them at all

I will hear voices from beyond the fences

I start my fall

I have been so good for so long

I don’t want to mess that up

but I don’t want to sleep

I just don’t want to stop

I am on the verge

of feeling oh so great

mania is so seductive

like lines on a mirrored plate

I want to taste the euphoria

I want to just once more

but alas I will just go to bed

and be “healthy” just once more

I don’t want to sleep

that is in my head

but I don’t want to wake up

in a hospital bed

 


I Just Pray

 

I read the posts

from so many in pain

I want to care

but I refrain

 

for what if I say something wrong

something that is not nice

I cannot take it back

upon thinking twice

 

I have the best intentions

I want to help I really do

but there are so many here that know how to say

words that sing so true

 

there are people here that know what to say

and when to say nothing at all

so I just remember in my prayers

all that I can recall

 

 


I’m Back

 

it has been a long long while

since I last posted here

I stopped coming for a spell

the reasons are not all to clear

 

I think I was acting the part

of a disabled person way too much

I had to take some time

just to get in touch

 

I had to see that my problems

are not all about depression

some in fact many are due

to the recent recession

 

I also had to realize

that I am capable of living life

I can handle the glory

I can handle the strife

 

I am back now and I want to help

in any way I can

I am bipolar but I am much more

I am a living man

 

I do have my problems still

I will probably share them too

and then I will be looking for comfort

and answers or maybe a clue

 

for now I am just going to say

it feels good to be back here

I look forward to celebrating Thanks Giving

and Christmas

and the New Year

 

Vic


Imperfect

Ayame.

 

sometimes when I look in the mirror

imperfections are all I see

all my vision is drawn to

my huge abnormalities

 

is it a trick of light

or is it a sad reality

that I cant look into the mirror

and see the real me

 

I cant see my smile

I cant even see my tears

I focus on my scars

I focus on my fears

 

I am afraid that is just who I am

like it or not

mirrors will never be my friends

I must rely on thoughts

 

the times that I have helped someone

when they were feeling down

and the memories of when I myself

made a smile from a frown

 

the times I forgot who I was

on the dance floor at night

when I laughed with my friends

and such memories of delight

 

I am beautiful

so are you

I can say tat without any doubt

not because of as stupid mirror

We are beautiful! I can shout

 

because beauty is not determined

by the beast that lies within

but rather by the heartbeat

that lets our sun shine in

 

I have heard it said

more than once and it is true

that Love

true love

is found in the imperfections in you

 

vic

 

I am not certain that makes any sense

but I am trying to say that cameras and mirrors sometimes only show us 2 dimensional imperfections. In the real world I now people as imperfect as they come and I love them so why cant I seem to give them credit for being able to love me even though I dont look like a picture from a magazine?


 

Just Keep Breathing

Judy

 

the times that we must be

stronger than we ever thought we could

are the times that our resolve

is not always all that very good

 

when failure is not an option

at least not one that we like to talk about

is when want to cry

when we want to break down and shout

 

the pressure of doing right

sometimes makes us want to stop the fight

 

but rage sweet rage is instinct in your heart

it is not pretty it is not wise and it is not very smart

 

knowing deep inside that you are YOU

is all you really need to make it through

 

maybe you wont look the best in some people's eyes

maybe you will have to sit right down and do nothing

maybe you it will look to some like you did not even try

but in your heart of hearts you know you will win

-- just keep breathing.

 

Vic.

 

Judy

 

I do hope by the time you read this you are feeling better

but if not all I was trying to type was that even if you do nothing but breathing you have attained victory over the beast that was tormenting you when you first posted.

 

 


Life is Life

 

look at life not like a journey

but rather like a play

that lives a different scene

every single day

 

some scenes are happy

some are sad

some are written well

some are written bad

 

most are inconsequential

the really are just fillers at best

but then are those days that we remember

that make our life a test

 

the sunny day that for no reason

kinda sticks in my mind

the rainy day I was not happy

and I wasn’t very kind

 

the day I graduated

and the day I fell in love

are just a few scenes that

I am talking of

 

the play has more than one stage

and there are certainly more than one line

to the story and the plot

than I can sit and define

 

there are definitely more than three acts

life has its twists and turns

and defiantly it take several days

to get some lessons learned

 

so maybe this is not a play

because there are no curtain calls

maybe life is just life

after all


Life's Honey

I am an old grown man

living with my folks

tell me the punch line if you can

of my life that is a joke

 

I am not laughing

it is not funny

I don’t think it is

to live a life

without any honey

to merely exist

 

life’s honey is so sweet

at least so I am told

the taste makes life complete

the taste makes life bold

 

sweetness oh sweet sweetness

where are you today

I can’t even remember

how sweet sweetness tastes

 

I am worthless at least worth less

than I thought life had in store

I will sleep I will eat

then I will sleep some more

 

the sooner I get thru my skin

that mine is not the lot

to be very happy deep within

and what I have is what I got

 

the sooner I will realize

that I am what I am

mentally disabled

genetically damned

 

that day is some day far away

because I refuse to believe

everything that people say

that is bad about me

 

I am capable of feeling pain

I know I can cry

and if I can feel then I know

I can feel quite high

 

I know I can taste life

I know that I can

I can deal with strife

I am a capable man

 

right now I am feeling blue

but this some day will pass

someday I will be a man

with honey in his glass

 

Vic

 




Love's Sunrise

 

there is a darkness

it is the night

insecurity and fear

live in delight

 

there is no time

no way to tell

when the sun will shine

but believe me it will

 

the sun will rise

and when it does

the day will be brighter

just because

 

because there is light

because there is love

because there is warmth

because there is love

because there is life

because there is love

because there is comfort

because there is love

 

love may sometimes

seem so far away

but when it seems it is the farthest

love shines on a brand new day

Making the cut

Making the cut

 

winning sometimes feels like everything

sometimes losing does too

that is when life seems dark

and we are feeling blue

 

it is not whether you win or lose

that matters much in the end

it is the role that you play

the impact you make on your loved ones and friends

 

if you feel like you have been in the crowd

not even chosen for a team

or if you feel like you can’t wake up

from a really really bad dream

time will take care of that

I know what I am talking about

because not too long ago I was the one

that swallowed silent tears and shouts

 

I thought I was too weak to play

this game that most call life

I was going to end it all

with pills instead of a knife

 

I couldn’t see that I was just scared

I could not see too straight at all

because I was alone

I was alone or so I thought

 

A minute passed

maybe it was a day

maybe it was a week

I can’t really quite say

 

the point is that time passed

and somehow I feel different

maybe not to much better

but I feel passion

 

I am still a bit down

I would be lying if I said I was not

but somehow life -- the game

is within me trying to get out

 

 

Chameleon

 

all it takes to make the team is the courage to keep on breathing. and believe me it isnt always fun

and every "game isn't a happy victory

and I live in Cleveland so I know every season isnt meant to be our team's year to make it to the championship but there ARE victories. and as your lows can make you forget all the good moments there are good times that make you forget all the bad times.

 

 

Vic.


Never Quitting

 

It has been a long while

since I wrote a poem

that said anything special

that brought any point home

 

but I am not going to quit

trying to write you see

not as long as I can type

not as long as I can breath

 

I will keep typing

I will keep rhyming

even if my messages

need help in their timing

 

maybe the poems wont be

the best ever written

but when I look back

I know they will fit in

 

I know that each rhyme

that I could not make work

will tell me just how I felt

even if I felt like a jerk

 

the point is to not quit

to try and move on

till my passion for writing

once again sees the sun

 

vic




One More Time

 

I have a bit of energy

I have a bit of drive

I have a bit of courage

I am going to give it one more try

 

Once more I will try …

…to lose some weight

…to find a girlfriend

…to find a better job

…to wake up early

…to exercise

…not to look like a slob

 

I know I will fail

I have failed so many times before

but I will try because it makes me feel

like I am doing something more

 

I feel like I am more

one more time :)

 

 


Online Dating Ad

strange that as we are/

we would probably never meet/

unless I can find the words/

to make your heart skip a beat/

 

I have to first convince you/

that my words are true/

and that is simply not/

an easy thing to do/

 

I am sure you have the lines/

like “Have we met before?”/

and maybe you are convinced/

that most men are rotten to the core/

 

I am not most men/

you have never met me yet/

giving me the benefit of the doubt/

I doubt you will regret/

 

alas your heart I did not forget/

I was on a mission to alter its pace/

I regret that I cannot/

for a heart is personal space/

 

till I get a note from you/

my poetic hands are truly tied/

till I get a note from you/

I cannot even make you sigh/

 

prayers answered

I have almost forgotten

the times I prayed …

…for energy just to get out of bed

…for the thoughts to get out of my head

…that I could smile again

…that I could be a friend

 

all my prayers were answered

My meds are doing well

now it is up to me

to simply walk out of hell

 

one step at a time

time and time again

will lead me to a better place

and I will have forgotten

 

I pray…

… for something to do

… for a job I can keep

… to manage my time

… to get just eight hours sleep

 


Sleep Like There is a Bright Tomorrow

 

Every once in a while

I feel like I can win

an on the odd occasion

I finish what I begin

 

I am starting to feel that way right now

and I must admit

it feels really great

I feel like I am not going to quit

 

I think I am going to loose some weight

I think I am going to start walking strait

I feel like I can start dressing with style

I feel like I am going to start to smile

I know I have to take a chance

I know I hear the music and I have to dance

 

In all likelihood

this is just a passing phase

in all likelihood

morning will come my mood will change

but for a minute

for right now

I fell great

I think I am allowed

 

to sleep like there is a bright tomorrow

Vic


Special Poem

I love you more than a thousand roses

love the light of a summers day

when I see you my heart just mealts

in such a special way

 

when you speak I swear I hear angles

accompanying your gentle voice

when you are near I am so glad

I just want to rejoice

 

your smile is one that can brighten up

any gloomy room

when you are gone I swear I can still smell

the fragrance of your perfume

 

when you are gone oh what a joke

for you are always in my mind

I could see your pretty face

even if I were to go blind

 

but please don’t leave for too long

for I miss you when we part

you see you own most of me

including my heart

 

someday soon I know I will be able to say

these words to a real live gal in a special way

I will look into her loving eyes and maybe see a tear

because she loves me too that will be so clear

someday soon I have no doubt that I will be in love

I have so much to offer so many things I cant even think of

if there is a God and I know there is I will find a friend

I will have some special poems to write I will then

 

vic


Strong Enough

I know you may be strong enough

to wear a greasepaint smile

for everyone that loves you

that is your strength -- your style

 

but

if someone that you loved

had a thorn in their toe

wouldn't you pull it out

you would this I know

 

you my friend have a thorn

stuck inside your brain

it causes you an indescribable

not so obvious pain

 

talking offers some relief

but you have to find the souls

that can listen to you

and not lose control

 

I know that it is scary

to reveal weaknesses we have

the fear of disapproval

the fear that someone might laugh

 

but it is scarier

hiding this pain alone

so give credit to a loved one

the next time you are on the phone

 

Good luck

 

Vic

 


Thakyou for Choosing Life

 

I just want to say thank you

for not taking the darker road

for being here beside me

for carrying the load

 

I know I could not stop you

from ever doing yourself harm

any more that I could understand

why in death you found charm

 

I cannot place into so many words

the relief that I feel

knowing that you live today

knowing your life is real

 

so if I do not say the words

that make you know I care

forgive me for I almost lost you

and now I am really scared

 

I do care unconditionally

it should be said more often

that might ease your painful moments

at least make life less rotten


The Flower

 

most nights I sit doing my best impression

of a flower on the wall

I hope that when it comes to talking

my name will not be called

 

I am so comfortable in my chair

it is so cozy and soft

I am comfortable in my silence

listening to others talk

 

it is cool how the evening unfolds

before my very ears

how with support and encouragement

Living Miracles can stomp on fears

 

I stand here doing my best impression

of a flower that wants to grow

but before I blossom

my roots must take you know

The Friendship Journey Begins


The Friendship Journey Begins

 

getting to know a stranger

gets stranger day by day

I used to just go out to my sand box

and ask if you wanted to play

 

then there were the notes

the teacher never seen

how naive romance was

when I was just a teen

 

“can I buy you a drink”

I think I remember saying

never thinking about

the games that I was playing

 

now I have email

a cell phone and café’s

modern conveniences

to keep up with a modern pace

 

I wouldn’t change a thing

even if I could turn back time

my memories and experiences

are unique

they are mine

 

I sit here typing wondering

what exactly might be

as I take the first step

in a friendship journey

 

 

the little voice


The Little Voice

 

listen to the little voice

the one that brought you here

the one that has a little smile

the lost voice of your cheer

 

dont tell me that you dont have one

becaue I know that you do

it is just WAY way way deep inside

the real you

 

the person that you really are

not the beast that has you down

look hard for that voice

really look around

 

look under the cushions

in the living room

look near and far

look beneath the broom

 

lool like it is the car keys

that you have recently lost

because this voice is more important

it has a higher cost

 

the point is not to find the voice

the pont is just to look around

becaue keeping busy is the key

to lifting yourself off the ground

 

we both know that in time

the voice will ring loud and clear

till that moment comes

do not give in to fear

 

I hope by the time you read this

you will be felling better

and this rhyme will just be an exercise

an encouraging letter

 

vic.


The Rut

 

at times it seems like there will be no tomorrow

at times I wish there weren’t

it is times like these I feel so bad

yet know not exactly where I hurt

 

I want to scream but I did that once

it wasn’t the best two weeks

I spent them in a psych ward

feeling like a freak

 

I want to cry but my tears won’t fall

I hate that I really do

I mean maybe if I could just weep for a while

maybe my sadness would be thru

 

I want to sleep all day and all night

but I get hungry when I lie in bed to long

I want to sleep forever

but suicide is wrong

 

“I know that if I just keep breathing”

“this to will pass away”

“and I will be feeling better”

that is what I say

 

I say it every morning

I say it throughout the day

I say it before I go to sleep

I say it in different ways

I say it in the shower

I say it at my meals

I say it and say it and say it some more

in hopes that it will be real

 

but I have stopped believing

I don’t think that I should

but a decade and a half is long enough

for my words to become good

 

Vic

 

It is true that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over

while expecting different results. I am not sure what I am going to do different

but I do know I have to stop expecting to get better and start making it happen.

think of sleep


Think of Sleep

 

think of a springtime valley

a serene place that you know

where you can just relax and sit

and let your worries go

 

think of a powerful waterfall

that nature took centuries to build

picture the rush and spray of water

overcoming your will

 

think of the perfect sunny day

and all the things you can do

like ride your bike and play ball

and swim if you want too

 

think of a secret garden

your own private thinking spot

notice how beautiful

all the plants have got

 

think about the numbers

how one comes before two

and think about this relationship

if that is what helps you

 

think of a story that you knew

when you were just a child

if you can remember the words

that would be just wild

 

think about a movie

that you saw not to long ago

and how the maiden was saved

by the dashing hero

 

close your eyes if you can

if you can’t just let them be

know that prayers are said on your behalf

in hopes that you finally sleep

 


To Fight Again

There comes a time I have to say

God just put me together this way

 

my weakness

my strengths

my character

my faults

this is the hand I was dealt

no more can any pill solve

 

I am not to wait till I get better

I am not so bad off right now

I can engage in life’s battles

at least I do know how

 

sure I will be afraid

there is a good chance I will lose

especially with the frame of mind

that I currently choose

 

if I lose so be it

I will fight again

each defeat I will not regret

I will learn my friend

 

I will change my frame of mind

the best that I know how

to one that will make me the victor

that I am destine to be right now

 

I can feel the passion

pulsing thru my veins

I know I can learn

to fight again

 

Okay it is a bit messed up and at times it doesn’t even make sense

but all that is really necessary for a call to arms is that it motivates one to fight

and that is what I m desperately trying to do.


Today Something Snapped

today something snapped

I am not sure what it was

I was told by my trainer

that inner beauty and personality is important

 

I have the energy to do

whatever has to be done

I have the drive to finish

my work in progress

 

a work in progress

that is what I have become

all the while waiting for that day

that I am finally done

 

well I am done right now I tell you

I am here to say

I will work harder than ever before

I am done with play

 

I am not going to listen

when my head tells me that I cant

I am going to work hard at

becoming the best me I can be

 

physically

mentally

emotionally

totally

 

I know my mood will fall once more

it usually does

but I have today enough energy

to endure my cause

 

I may fail

I may succeed

but when I am done I will NOT

be able to say I didn’t try

 

with every fiber of my being

 

 


Up One Minute Down The Next

up one minute down the next

I know just how that feels

like life is a movie decades long

and someone has mixed up the reels

 

I look to my pills in a bottle

as if a genie could come out

it matters not how many I swallow

it matters not how loud I shout

 

I take solace in knowing

if I dont like where I am at

in minutes I will be somewhere else

that is a matter of fact

 

when I am better

when I can smile

I just have fun

like it is going outta style

 

someday the science may be there

to help everyone just like me

till then I will dare

to live life completely

 

I will endure the cold moods

I will embrace the hot

I will simply take moods as they come

I will live allot

 

Vic.

 

I know the phrase "Get well soon" is kinda trite here

but I do hope you are feeling better soon

and that it lasts for more than 3 days.

What do you do


What do you do?

 

What do you do? I was asked

by a stranger I never met before

the question kinda caught me off guard

I didn’t have an answer in store

 

I breathe I think therefore I am

I was going to say

I am defined not by my work

but rather by my play

 

so I told him

 

“I smile”

“I care”

“I laugh”

“I cry”

“I love”

“I hate”

“I live”

I sighed

“I give”

“I take”

“I clean”

“I make”

 

at the moment I am unemployed

and I have been for quite a while

that does not make me less of a person

that does not diminish my style

 

I am a valid person

not just some piece of trash

my life will not be valued

on if I make some cash

 

 

Page.Editor.Document> <<__a bad dream

test

Bad Dream.. 4

A Hawk That Once Lived As a Mouse. 5

Prayer For Peace. 6

A Smile and a Prayer 7

A Smile That Sneaked Into My World. 8

Prayer For a Friend. 10

Acceptance. 11

Another Prayer 12

A Wish. 13

Call His Name. 14

Counting. 15

Cry If You Must 16

The Cure. 17

Darkness. 18

Delusions. 19

End it all. 22

FOREST. 24

Get Things Done. 25

GETWELL. 26

GIVE. 28

Friend of Time. 29

I am tired. 30

I know how you feel 32

I live. 34

I must climb. 35

I Saw the Doctors Today. 36

I Want to Say. 38

I will be tired. 39

I Will Try. 40

If You Don’t Mind. 42

I’m All Alone. 43

I'm Feeling Low.. 45

I’m Gonna Die And It Sucks. 47

I Still Pray. 48

It Should Have Been Me. 49

The Solution. 51

Life is Good. 53

Little Things. 54

Living With Intent 55

Love Does Not End. 56

Making Memories Once Again. 57

Maybei 58

MISTAKES. 60

Morning Comes. 62

Father’s Day. 63

Myfriend. 64

Not There. 65

Please. 66

Replaced. 67

Sleepless. 68

Someday. 70

sticks and stones. 71

Word1. 73

Tell Me I Am Beautiful 74

The hand. 76

The Mirror 77

The People Must Be Remembered. 78

The Razors Edge. 79

The Winds of Change. 81

The Words. 83

Then and Now.. 85

The Pain. 86

We Are Glorious. 88

Welcome Weary Stranger 89

What If 90

What Is The Point 91

When Does It Get Better 92

Why. 93

AFRIEND.. 94

A Writer's Pride. 95

Count The Heartbeats. 96

Emotions. 98

Faith. 99

What Faith Means To Me. 100

Friends. 102

Hello. 102

If You Are Reading This. 103

Impress. 105

Just Hi 106

My 2 Cents. 107

Sometime. 110

Spring is Near 111

The Waterfall In My Mind. 112

The Solution. 114

God’s Mistake. 116

The Brightest Star 117

Creation. 119

Another Ships Passing Poem.. 120

Poetic Rrefraction. 122

My First Real Attempt at Suicide. 123

Mistakes II 126

I Was to be a Millionaire. 127

I am Vic I am New Here. 128

For Shame. 130

Another Weekend. 132

Workitis. 133

This Particular Moment 136

Spring Daze. 138

Sleepless. 140

Winter Mood. 142

A Day in the Life. 143

A Journal Entry 12-8-04. 145

All I Want 146

Back Again. 147

Breathe. 149

Do not Count on it 151

Freak Show.. 152

Gloomy Moments. 154

Goodbye. 155

Grant Me Strength. 157

Hi my Name is Victor 159

How Do I Feel 160

I Can Leap Thru Fire. 162

I Dont Want To Sleep. 164

I Just Pray. 166

I’m Back. 167

Imperfect 168

Just Keep Breathing. 170

Life is Life. 171

Life's Honey. 172

Love's Sunrise. 174

Never Quitting. 176

One More Time. 177

Online Dating Ad. 178

Sleep Like There is a Bright Tomorrow.. 180

Special Poem.. 181

Strong Enough. 182

Thakyou for Choosing Life. 183

The Flower 184

The Friendship Journey Begins. 185

The Little Voice. 186

The Rut 187

Think of Sleep. 189

To Fight Again. 190

Today Something Snapped. 191

Up One Minute Down The Next 192

What do you do?. 193


Bad Dream

I have no clue why

I want to scream

I want to cry

feels like a dream

I have no sense of time

there is no wrong or right

I am going to explode

in a passionate song

I will look so bad

to all my friends

they do not understand

I don’t know where to hide

my head.

 

I did not scream

it was all a bad dream

the tears I shed

will dry from my head

no one knew felt pain

"I still look great", she said

I did not scream

it was all a bad dream


A Hawk That Once Lived As a Mouse

Well I find it hard to label

a bird that fell out of the tree.

I mean chick is probably destine

to be a cats entrée'

 

the only thing that happened

in most cases you will find

is that there was a eager young foul

that really wanted to fly.

Thanx to its high-strung spirit

the little bird must lie in the grass

not knowing just when which

peep will be its last.

 

So he sits there still and quiet,

even when Mom has a relay neat worm

he worries of danger all around him

even when there is no harm

He wakes up from sleep wanting to scream

when he realizes the flashback was just a dream

soon he weighs less than he should

so flight is not easy -- that's no good

 

finally comes the day he can fly.

It is the day he must fly.

nature, time and instincts take their course,

and soon up in the skies

 

lives a hawk that once lived like a mouse.


Prayer For Peace

Lord, please be gracious

with the peace there is in you

many among us desire it

some have great faith too

 

please do not consider

the amount that I deserve

lest Lord, please just please

please just calm my nerves

 

If for just one morning

I'd smile at the day's new birth

and have the energy to jump and run

oh what that would be worth

 

An then the whole day through

I could laugh and sing and play

I would song your praises

tell your glory, every day

 

and if at night I would not cry

until medicated to close my eyes

wondering if today was my last

wondering if tomorrow I would die

 

Peace of mind is yours to give lord,

I have begged and now I pray

please Lord if you deem it good

please grand me another good day.


A Smile and a Prayer

 

I promise not to take allot of your precious time

especially when it is just me talking

I want to thank you for all of your precious "hi"’s

I know it may seem a bit shocking

 

every time you say hello

I say to myself, "Vic"

"What can possibly keep you low?"

"what can make you sick?"

 

because here is this girl in all her pain

taking time to say

"Hi", to me and making sure

to brighten up my day

 

She may not see the gift

that every time says "hello"

I can close my eyes and see

her smile and a prayer.


A Smile That Sneaked Into My World.

 

Somewhere in the night

there lies a dream

that I once dreamt.

 

It is full of light

and it would seem

I knew what it meant

 

a long long time ago

I lost the meaning

the dream, the light the innocence

 

I just let go

I quit

trying to even make any sense

 

of a child's dream

made of a child's world

in a child's frame of mind

 

then the nightmares came.

big and bad and ugly

soon I learned to forget.

 

I learned to dream tamer

so as not to scream

I've not had a heart attack yet.

 

Now I watch the stars till dawn

looking really hard

for the light, the dream I lost years ago.

 

it seems the light

was the sunrise

even when I was 9 years old.

 

I remember now it is clear as day

I was just another kid.

playing king of the mountain

I did all things kids did.

 

They used to call me crazy,

I would call them wacko back

I remember Barbara had a crush on me

till I painted her pig-tails black

 

I can smile just remembering

everything that was

it is good -- well it is a smile

that sneaked into my world.


Prayer For a Friend

 

Lord help her I ask you please

as I sit in my chair typing keys

true I do not know her name, still she is my friend

her heart has been revealed to me time and again

 

she has comforted many people

she has shed tears on my behalf

she has shown me many many times

that life is definitely the better path

 

Lord I ask of you

to have her understand

in her hour of need

I will reach out my hand

 

I am sure she has not lost faith

I doubt that she is even close

please grant her your inner peace

is what I ask the most

 

you will heal her spirit

time will heal her flesh

her inspiration will demand

life is not over yet.

 

vic

 

 

 


Acceptance

 

Acceptance is not perfection

they are two different words

I mean flaws are what make us real

at least that is what I've heard

 

People are people

so what do you say

that's the way the song goes

there is work and there is play

 

We try to please our loved ones

and we try not to fail

depending on our nature

we sometimes fail ourselves

 

I accept those that I love

no need for pomp or circumstance

that is the way that I am

that is the way I dance

 

I have found

beyond my dream of dreams

my acceptance

to them works the same way it seems

 

I am not in your situation

I am sure I don't understand it all

I will leave showing my complete hand

 

You know I am not going to say it

I am not going to say a thing

I will fail you will accept and understand

 

 


Another Prayer

I have never been too good with the quotes in the bible

there are some really great ones I hear them all the

time, but quotes isn't exactly what praying is all about

anyways.

 

I offer a prayer that comes from my heart,

I know it will be well received

And what I pray for saves me when times are hard.

it is Jesus' own inner peace.

 

I know you will weather the storms.

but at what price I wonder inside.

Some times it seems we are alone.

and all that is good in us has died.

 

There is an inner peace. One that I cannot describe.

that helps. believe me its true.

why would I lie.

may His peace be with you.

 

 


A Wish

 

I wish I could say every day would be all right,

and every time it was proper you would sleep at night

every dream that you remember would make a smile

every time you wanted to you'd go that "extra mile"

 

but that is not to be.

 

Medicines are nice they help our cause,

and lifestyles the must change too.

But to be painfully honest

time is the only cure.

 

I wish I were more patient

as a patient is supposed to be

because the steps that may seem backward

are the ones that help us heal

 

and I wish it didn't hurt so much

every time we fall.

and I wish there would be one last time

to say, "finally I have it all".


 

Call His Name

I call his name When ...

. . . feel pain I know it will be gone

. . . it rains I call in the drops I hear a song

. . . I am lonely I call and I know he is right beside me

. . . no one will hold me and no longer do I need

. . . I am alone in a crowd them not a stranger do I see.

. . . I have to scream out loud I end up screaming unto the Lord

. . . and somehow I am proud when I feel like I have sung the perfect chord.

 

Nothing is impossible

nothing is unstoppable

God knows the pain in our lives.

 

have faith that He loves you

and yes I believe it is true

take pleasure in the gifts that he give.

 

 


Counting

 

Sure we had laughter

sure we had tears

and sure we had minutes

but what about years.

 

I know there are times

when it seems no one cares

when in the darkness

you are alone and really scared.

 

don't count the footprints

they sometimes lie

just count your pulse

it is mime.

 

 


Cry If You Must

 

Cry if you must

for days gone by

but believe me it does not help

memories can embellish

soft sun light

and how wonderful it felt

 

time are tough now

I do not argue with that,

and that is the way it is

I am sorry that life

has hurt you

the cure goes beyond a kiss

 

The cure that is funny

I mean I am messed up

messed up as all the rest

I have had doctors guessing

about what might help me

they have only clues and an educated guess

 

I have swallowed a dozen pills each day

for a decade actually eight years

and sure I can talk to strangers now

but my friends bring me to tears

 

oh yeha days gone by

I forgot all about them

I was saying how it doesn't help

a bit to remember when

 

I do believe it doesn't help

but hey what can it hurt

even eleven years of good times

when times are bad can divert.

 

 


The Cure

 

The cure is quite simple

it is not found in any pill

for it there is no prescription

there is not even a hefty bill

 

it is hope and prayer

kindness and love

it is genuine respect

from all involved

 

that its not just me

that is being cured

by God's loving hand

of this I am sure

 

for scientist are getting smarter

love is being redefined

a simple smile

I can broaden a skeptic's mind

 

I am a person let that be known

no better no worse than the next

sure I long for the day I am better

but today I am glad I am blessed

 

 

 

 

 


Darkness

 

lack of feeling

lack of emotion and goodness too

walking in darkness

I disappear from view

 

darkness envelops my body

darkness captures my soul

I am not talking about lack of light

I am referring to losing control

 

I don’t care -- I think I should though

I really want to, I think

but I cant remember why

the further into the pit I sink

 

Oh I hear the words "Choose life"

and "Things are not all that bad"

I know I am not gonna die

even though I am sad

 

I am meant to be in darkness

I can put a on grease paint smile

I will fain joy now and again

Lonely and sad is not so bad for a while

 

 


Delusions

If I thought for just one moment,

that I could do some good.

I would reach inside my soul

and give everything I could

I would give and give, and give,

and give, and give some more

till all that was left of me

was a bare depleted core

people would come from miles around

just to see the sight

of the spot where

one man made things right

they would come and look into my eyes

that is if I still did live

and see a man that is just too weak

a man that cannot give.

 

I have looked into those eyes somewhere

I cannot quite place the sight.

It was morning yeha I am remembering

I had waken from the night

I brushed my teeth, and washed my face

I was just about to shave

In the mirror I saw a worthless soul

that knew not how to behave.

He had the strength to help for sure

and only one thing was clear

that nothing can paralyze a spirit

like ignorance and fear

 

I can help I know I can

I know it won't make me weak

In fact I will probably grow stronger

one step closer to the peak.

I hope that I feel this way tomorrow,

I somehow doubt I will

maybe I can find solace

after taking all my pills

 

I need a plan Yeha that is what I need

to make me a better man

I know I hate the lime light

so in the shadows I must stand

maybe I could ask for help,

an ad in the local rag

and find cause that could use

a reason to up and brag

not just any cause of course I know

I want one that is right for me

I want to help the people

that are in real need

 

I want to help the poor,

the homeless and the oppressed

the female that has not a voice

and man that was to wear a dress.

and I want to help the hungry

the stupid that can't get work

and anyone that classified

as a class A grade I jerk

I want to help the writers

of those country songs

and everyone that has had to struggle

with a used car for too long

and don't forget the rich folk

their life is way hard too.

every year come around taxes

they pay a percent or two

The animals need help most of all

because they can't even talk

I want to pay for surgeries

so that every hamster can walk

I think the cold is curable

There must be more studies done.

The war on drugs is loosing.

we must make sure drugs are not fun.

Traffic is getting better

no one has been shot lately

but I think I will see to it

that target practice is mandatory

loose moral there is a spot

that I can surely fix.

by the punishment for men without morals

will be cutting off their income.

 

That is the first day of my great crusade

I better go to sleep now.

maybe I will fix delusions of grandeur

if I have time some how.

 

 


End it all.

 

here is a poem few will understand

yet many will think they do.

It is about how I want to end it all

get it all over, done, and through.

 

Yes I want to wake up one day

and cut out what is ailing me

look in the mirror and just say "you putz"

"are you so blind you can't see"

 

"that day after day there is a problem"

"and it is only getting worse"

"life is not going the way you want"

"not the way that you rehearsed."

 

"End all the madness and silly stuff"

"and walk the path of life"

"like you are healthy"

"and stop living this lie."

 

"I mean saying today that tomorrow"

"you will feel good enough to have fun"

"Buck up realize that it will just be sorrow"

"then maybe you can get things done"

 

"End all the delusions that there will come a day"

"that you can hold a job"

"for more that a season of the year"

"without quitting and starting to sob"

 

"Get over the feeling some call pride"

"It was years ago that it went away"

"Get over the intense wanting to cry"

"Get over caring it’s the safest way"

 

 

No

 

 

I cannot live just for the moment

just waiting to die

I may not succeed every time ,

but I will always try

 

and when I look into tomorrow

It may be dark. I may be scared

but one sunset at a time

I will find my way there

 

I will end it all

if "IT" consists of my self pity

and to get "IT" over with for good

I will not stay sitting

 

 

I will FIGHT

I will WIN

I will LOSE gracefully

And FIGHT again

 

I will RACE until

Until I FINISH

 

I will

 

 

well I will

 

I will end all the bad things I can control

and I will get over the ones I cannot.

 

 


FOREST

One day a man wen on a journey

for the path that would lead to the forest.

He left his home and traveled by night

because he thought it was the best

 

At night he could guard against daemons

and all that nocturnally prey

and sleeping as the sun shone

he felt that he was safe.

 

Also the afternoon sun was hot

in the land that he was from

so traveling by night was genies

And everyone called him dumb.

 

Well then one day beyond a the final tree

he saw that path and rejoiced

"The path to the forest!" he exclaimed

in a towering manly voice.

 

Soon he would find all the plants that he needed

for medicine, and dies, and food.

he started to run faster and faster,

alas he was the fool

 

for he walked on for miles and saw not a tree

just deserts, and animals, and sand

 

 

 

 

 


Get Things Done

NYC

oh say can you see

a terrible page in history

 

It is a world of sinners

it is a world of crime

now it seems we are all beginners

living in a new less innocent time

 

Live we must

live we will

to just survive

with no thrill

would be to admit defeat

 

so remember September 9th

if you really can

think of the headlines

remember your daily plan

 

if like me that is too hard,

think of ten minutes from now

what can be done to live and maybe smile

like looking at a cloud

 

maybe it is raining,

that makes for a good day to clean

maybe there is a good movie

that you haven’t seen

 

I know what I like to do

the things that make life full and fun

somehow I think you do to

the tough part is to get things done.

 

 


GETWELL

Hi,

I sit here hoping

that everything is fine

that you are feeling peachy

that you have peace of mind

 

I am so many miles away,

I can't even offer a hug

but maybe if I try real hard

I can share a little love.

 

I can share the part of my soul

that really wants to play

you know the part I talk of

the part that runs all day

 

It is the inherent energy

of a three year old child

Some say that we out grow it

to me that seems wild.

 

I mean I still have it sure I do,

I looks silly when I show it.

but let me tell you

the energy helps not to quit.

 

I fear I may not make you smile

some times we are meant to cry.

If that helps you go on so be it

let the tears by.

 

When you have added an inch to the lake,

and you can cry no more

Jump on the bed, or squirt Hubby some

find your "energy" once more

 

I suppose it is "easy to say"

I mean life is not so cut and dry

I do not pretend to know

how you feel as I sit and write.

 

If you are felling great, and I brought you down

oops is all I can really say

But if Get well soon is proper right about now

then I'll be here whenever you want to play.

 

 

 

 

 


GIVE

Give me the strength Lord

to give it my all

when times are tough

and I want to fall

please grant me the luxury

of seeing your peace

even when life torments me

and my troubles don't cease

I beg that when I am down

with my heart on my sleeve

that I look twice and that I see

there is cause to believe

for I am in your image Lord

you are aware that I suffer

 

There is greatness in me

I can't see through the tears

and the wiser I get

the less are my fears.

once in a while Lord

All that I ask

Is an occasional smile

I remember from my the past.

The strength that I asked for,

well I suppose I know

it grows inside me

as I grow.

 

 


Friend of Time

 

Once a long long long long time ago

the very first instant appeared

before that there was no time

deadlines were not feared

 

since that day time moved on

at a steady even pace

setting the stage for the main event

called the human race. (I like to think so)

 

Time marched till the moment

I saw you again

I swear for just an instant

it stopped

 

I was visiting a friend.

 


I am tired

I want to write the words

that everyone wants to hear

just as I have lived my life

so that no one sheds a tear

 

I am tired of saying I feel good

if I feel like poop

I am tired of hiding a smile

when I really want to

 

I am tired of taking medicines

that make me fat and stupid

I am tired of getting blood level checks

by a tired underpaid phlabotomist

 

I am tired of feeling good

ant then feeling sad

I am tired of waking up one morning

wondering what day we are at

 

I am tired of getting fired

and grinning and saying thankyou

I am tired of not ever

ever ever ever ever telling the truth

 

I am tired of knowing I have gone thru hell

to get to where I am with no one to tell

I am tired of being so proud of me

only my mirror and med records see

 

I am tired I really am

I want to be normal already

I am tired of knowing there will never be a cure

just pills that get slightly better and cost more

 

I am tired of know I am a the freak

at the but of late nights jokes

I am tired of only crying at night

so no one need to know

 

I am tired of hiding all that I have to offer

creativity and words that rhyme

I am tired of knowing that some day maybe soon

I may run out of time

 

You would think as tired as I am

I would sleep even with bad dreams and all

but I will sleep when I can

I will sleep when I get too tired.

 

 

 


I know how you feel

"yeah, I know how you feel."

 

How could it be

how in the world

could you know

how I feel

 

You have a clue

maybe some pain

but you don't know

what goes on in my brain

 

don't tell me a lie

because I know that you care

I know you mean well

but at least play fair.

 

don't try to fix me

as you wipe my tears

and realize you have yours

and that I have my fears

 

You don't know

believe me

I know what I say

 

when I say

that I hurt

that I am in pain

 

if I could describe it

I would have by now

but descriptions alone

are useless some how

 

no this is more

than stubbing your toe

there are no band aids

for this that I know

 

I am sorry for times

that I treated you bad

and more for the times

that I was sad

and you could just stand there

feeling bad

because you love me

being helplessness just makes you mad

 

but trust me I know

there will be a day

that we will look back and laugh

some how some way

 

No, not tomorrow

no not next year.

that day is way off

I really do fear.

 

but so is the day

I first fell in this pit

it doesn’t seem that long ago

now does it?

 

yes I am tiered too,

now I must rest

I feel I am lucky

I feel I am blessed

 

to have a friend

like you by my side.

what do you mean you know how I feel?

well,

I will let that one slide.

 

 

 

 


I live

I smile if I want to smile

it is only fair

don’t think for even an instant

it means that I don’t care

I care

I care

I feel

I grieve

I cry

I laugh

I smile

I wonder why

I remember

I regret

I ponder

I try to forget

I pray

I forgive

I feel loss

I live

 

I really had a hard time accepting any good feelings. I felt as though if I laughed when I thought something was funny, I was acting improper. Allot of the people I talk to now feel the same way.

 

I am not telling knock knock jokes around town, but I am not forcing depression on myself to impress my neighbors either.

 

 


I must climb

I am back where I started

I have been here before

time and time again

 

no longer can I see this

as the beginning

I feel this is the end

 

Make no mistake

I tried my best

my success just never came

 

I am not angry

I am not sad

I am just insane

 

If I take

another step

what good would it do

 

walking in circles

running in place

hoops that I've jumped thru

 

I have my sights set on higher ground

there is a mountain

I must climb

 

I don’t know that I can

but I realize

I must try

 

 


I Saw the Doctors Today

I saw the doc earlier today

he said that I was fine.

I turned my head and coughed

he was off to the next patient in line.

 

and later I saw the psychiatrist

she too said things were well

I take my pills responsibly

that much she could tell

 

well after I got home today

I wondered if I was wrong

but isn't it true a healthy man

doesn't heal for so so long.

 

I mean I got "sick" so long ago

all I remember is the date.

October 26, 1992

was my twist of fate.

 

and since then I have been getting "better"

what the hell does that mean

when will I be able to say

there was a day I was not healthy

 

when will look back and laugh

and not just want to cry?

when will I never ever ever ever

think I want to die?

 

I mean I can pray I know of faith

it was fed to me as a kid

and patience I have a mess of that

at least I thought I did

 

but there comes a time for action

acting is all I do

if 2 doctors with years of experience

said I am okay, its true

 

and all this on a day

I need only the slightest chance

to scream and jump and cry and rant, and rave and ...

at even a persons wrong glance

 

well I lived through today

I will live through tomorrow

I will make it through the next day too

 

That is what they say

though I feel sorrow

I will make it through

 

I know that there is a reason

I know there is a rhyme

I know that some how I am living

and surviving at the present time

 

and if there should come a weakness

that leads to my last gasp of air

I know I will have given everything

at this moment I care.

 

That my friends is important to know

that I care right here and now

it is not very important

what I care about

 

But I really feel I am doing fine

as I turn out the light

I will sleep and dream

till the mornings light.

 

I saw the doctors today

they said I was okay

who am I to argue

what good would come anyways.

 

good night

vic

 

 

 


I Want to Say

I want to say "good morning

as we pas every day

at least say hello

as our eyes meet every day

 

I want to introduce myself

as we meet on the bus

I know that we would smile

instead of being so serious

 

I want to say "thank you"

for the encouragement at work

I don’t my lips stay silent

I feel like a jerk

 

I want to say "can I sit here"

or maybe "do you mind"

instead I take a healthy lunch walk

to a park bench I call mine

 

I want to tell the funny jokes

beside the water cooler too

but I can never seem to get them right

was it a monkey a priest, and a Jew?

 

there we are on the same buss home

I still don't say a word

out eyes meet as they have before

it really seems absurd

 

I want to open up the door

to my castle my home once more

I want to say "I am HOOOOME"

and hear love say "close the door"

 

I want to eat a meal

at a table set for more than one

so when I say grace I can see the face

of a person that loves me just for fun

 

I want to say "God, Thank You"

for another day

I didn’t say as single word

that might get in the way

I will be tired

I am tired of saying I am sorry

or I did not mean to say that

I am tired of making friend

only to leave them flat

I am tired because I want to cry

when I do things that are wrong

I am tired of just accepting my wrongness

as I turn up the volume on a song

 

am tired so I sleep

it is easier than facing the day

I am tired so I sleep

it is just my way

I am tired so I sleep

if I wake I just close my eyes

I am tired so I sleep

and pray I never wake

 

I will wake and the funny thing is

I will be tired.


I Will Try

If you are reading this

 

I have never lost a friend.

I have never lost a love.

I have never lost a dollar.

that I didn't think of.

 

I can't stop you from sleeping Rose

I know better than to try.

If you never read this

I will try not to cry

 

I will try.

 

If you read this you will know that

I am writing from the heart.

the journey is almost over

even though you chose not to start.

 

It will be rougher every day

this I will assure to you

that yesterday wasn't the last day

that you couldn't pull through.

 

I will try

 

 

No, tomorrow has its demons

and they are stronger than you think

You have walked throughout hell Rose

and in your strength you forgot to blink

 

Pictures are engraved

in your soul no one should endure

Dante could have used them You must.

Use them.

Find beauty. Find the pure.

 

I will try.

 

Rose I know that it seems we've no power

at times to even take another step.

and sometimes even to breathe

takes way too much pep.

 

but alas rose I am telling you there will be a moment

that you look back at a century gone by

and laugh loudly at satin and hell and earth from heaven.

after I draw my last breath

 

I will try.


If You Don’t Mind

I have proven a man can live alone

I am not really proud of that

I am an average face in the crowd

maybe a little fat

I don't have a friend to bury me

should I get hit by a truck

nobody will even know that I am gone

till my rent lady gets stuck

I need to love again somehow

I am certain that I can

after all I am average

I am a common man

I wish I could just remember

the words I need to find

to begin with I must ask for help

if you do not mind.

 


I’m All Alone

Thankyou for taking the time to read

all what I have to say

it shows that you care

that is rare in a very special way

 

I am in pain but I will survive,

but this probably already occurred to you

the human mind and body

is stronger than most of us ever knew

 

I will tell you about what is bothering me

if you promise not to laugh

because it is really quite insignificant

but not from my behalf

 

You see I am alone

 

When I was small I would go play

in the sandbox after lunch

and my friends would join me sooner or later

unless it was raining too much

 

as I grew up there the sandbox grew,

but the concept was the same

I mean sooner or later I could count

on someone to come and play

 

well here I am on the edge

it is where I want to be

I moved twelve hundred miles

to live on the Atlantic beach

 

sure AT&T reminds me

there is more than casual hellos

but I am lonely

and life is going wrong

 

My meds don’t work and I don’t have a job

and I hate the thoughts I think

I mean no body would even notice

if I swam east a while and then sink

 

Alas I have already picked

old age as my suicide of choice

I know my career is waiting for me

I can hear its little voice (just kidding)

 

and as for the fact that my sand box is too big

I don't know what to do

but maybe you know is there a pill?

maybe pink or maybe blue.

 

Once a gain thankyou for reading my words

I suppose I just needed to type

believe I usually don’t type this much

thankyou for letting me vent.

 

 


I'm Feeling Low

 

I'm feeling low

here by my self

I'm feeling low

like I'm on a shelf

 

I do suppose

its my fault I know

but that don't change the fact

I'm feeling low

 

there is Jesus

he is on my side

oh thank you Lord Jesus

for filling me with pride

 

you will be here tomorrow

this much I know

as you have been here today

when I am feeling low

 

there can be no good days

if there are to be no bad

all the days would be alike

and I don't think I'd want that

 

at the moment

I would like a bit of company

a tangible smile or even a tear

I am feeling alone you see

 

but I will cry till sun set

I will cry till late

my tears will dry I will sleep

as I medicate

 

mid morning at my place

I lie still and quiet

till I can no longer sleep

I look about and realize

 

I am feeling low

here all by my self

another damned day

on this tiled floored shelf

 

thank you Lord for hearing my prayers

but I'm gonna pray again

Lord, creator of heavens and earth

help me find a friend.

 

Rosie, fret not. I am not really feeling low, I just had this bitchin blues riff in my head( I think it belongs to Stevie Ray Vaughn), and then BB King himself started sinning, and then the next thing I know this poem was born, after only a few moments of labor.

The poem doesn't read very well, but I haven't written for a long time to anyone. if you have anything special for me to write about (no smut, I know that goes without saying) please suggest away.

 

I do hope this note does not find you ore leave you singing the blues, after all you are the friend I was asking for in the song.

 

Vic.


 

I’m Gonna Die And It Sucks

I’m gonna die and it sucks

there is nothing I can do

and to everyone sayin "Yes, there is"

I was once like you

 

standing on the outside

laughing at the grease paint smiles

hell bent on the notion

that breathing is worth while

 

what happened? I cant tell you

where my path just stopped

I suppose I looked around

I suppose my expectations droped

 

no longer am I waiting

for a friend by my side

no longer do I see the need

I can just go away

after all my life is mine

death happens all the time why not to me

 

for once I will walk in the sun

no grease paint on my face

I will frown tears may fall

for once I will sleep to escape

how I feel when I am awake

sleep oh precious sleep eternal

 

 

Istillpray


I Still Pray

 

The Lord has answered

Every prayer I have ever inspired

true at times the answers

were not the ones that I desired

 

so sill I pray

I pray for a best friend

that knows when to be much more

I pray for a simple gal

that isn't drawn by gold’s allure

I pray for a hand to hold

so I won't feel alone

I pray for those conversations

the ones that really hit home

I pray for patience and understanding

in this ever so important quest

I am so demanding because

there is no such thing as second best.

 

 

 

it should hav been me


It Should Have Been Me

 

every day someone dies

people mourn their loss

and in almost every case

society has paid a cost

 

as I sit here typing

at tear falls

because of how I feel

nature calls

 

It should have been me

that is dead

and the valuable person

should get ahead

 

it should have been me

everyone knows

it is just a matter of time

before I go

 

It should have been me

I want to die

no one will even miss me

I will wear a disguise

 

it should have been

I deserve peace

burning in hell

would be a relief

 

it should have been me

I could have replaced a child

that would someday find a cure

for greed

 

I have no right to wish for death

it is selfish this I know

maybe I am worthless

but that is the way it goes

 

My tears are drying I am confused

but grateful for your time

especially thankful for a friendly place

to sit and post my rhyme

 

It should have been me this very night

that did something stupid and rash

but I didn’t that is what happened

maybe it is part of His plan.

 

 

 

 

just one more day


The Solution

 

There was a day actually a night

that I decided to die

I knew that I would be happier

at least it was worth a try.

 

I took a 2 liter bottle

dissolved a bunch of stuff

anything I could find

that would kill me just enough

 

I succeeded I was dead

the monitors line was flat

my solution worked

how about that

 

for years I believed

I really was dead

when life is hell

it plays with your head.

 

Thank God you are alive

everyone would say

I hate that still

I hate it this day.

 

alas time passed, I healed

and I learned to smile

I even learned to dream

 

recently I have discovered

that dreams come true

if you have faith and you believe.

 

The solution ... the answer

the best angle to take

 

Lies not our perception

but rather the life we make

 

in our least significant prayers.

 

 

Your decisions are your own

to say death is not a choice

well that would be a lie,

One I cannot voice

 

but the way I see it

there will come a day

the door to life will close

why not fight just one more day

 


Life is Good

 

Life is good, that is not bad

at least it should not be

why is it that when I am smiling

I turn on the TV

 

Sure these are troubled times

with all that has transpired

but I will be damned if

I sit down and stay tired

 

I run in the sun

I play in the night

I laugh at the good jokes

I live my life

 

sure I look twice under my bed

and when I fall asleep

a few bad thoughts

creep into my head

 

But when I wake in the morning

and greet another day

all I can say

is

Life is good.

 


Little Things

I remember sunlight

smiling as it set on my face

I remember puddle hopping

in the hard tropical rain

I remember smiling

I can't remember why

smiling was such a little thing

I didn't have to try

 

Now I live rather I survive

for the little things I search

I look every day really hard

I know how much they are worth

 

I don't have to tell you

how hard it is to try

to look for stupid little things

with a tear in my eye.

 

 


Living With Intent

I stand tall when I explain to a person

that I am a few cards short of a deck

knowing full well they will never look upon me

the same but what the heck

 

I know of the stigma and the looks and the talk

that goes on behind my back

I refused to be labeled crazy

just because of a panic attack

 

my voice is only one

I know it is really not loud

I will be damned if I am put to shame

Just because I am proud!

 

I am sick. that is all

and till now there is no cure

Doctors guess at what will help

but no one knows for sure

 

I intend to talk

before it is too late

because if there is no language

how can we educate.

 

 

I mean really.

 

if the average Joe only knows the bad things about mental illness what is he to think? and lets face it most printed current events are bad.

 

my intent? oh yeha my intent, help shed a bit of light on darkness. I know I don't light too much, but hey maybe I might just light a fire.

 

 


Love Does Not End

 

Sorry to be so bold

and try to make a point

but Love is not finite

it cannot be controlled

 

passion lust and even greed

those all fade away

admiration, fascination and need

can be lost any given day

 

Love

in its purest form

Love

does not conform

Love

it just is

Love

fond in a kiss

Love

not found in words

Love

rather in how they are heard

 

Live is simple, much like a light

of the sunny day

hate, and illness can tend to blind

and seem to take love away

 

though it may seem that there is none left

fear not for it is just night

sooner than you think morning will come

and love will shine bright.

 


Making Memories Once Again

 

rays of sunlight through the leaves

of short fat little trees

butterflies seeming to float

almost taunting me

the warmth of the sunlight

on my skin as I take a casual stroll

chocolate, oh yes chocolate

in a cake that has ice cream in it roll

the sound of birds at sun set

heading for their home

the sun sets on Lake Erie

way beyond the foam

the night is coming slowly

darkness takes its place

and romance well, at least hormones

have a chance to race

I have always belonged to the night

every aspect is amplified

Seemingly short are the minutes

till another red sunrise

 

Sure these are memories of yesterday

happy one I keep of friends

but today I was happy

making memories once again


 

 

Maybei

Though my song may be a sad one

when my days are through

there are verses that are fun

there are words that will ring true

 

and maybe everyone cannot see the sunset

as a work of art

but it is when the night begins

the darkness in my heart

 

and should someone ask, "Vic how can it be"

"that you never see the light"

"why can't you work a job"

"or even smile and be polite"

 

I never answer because you see

there is no answer that can satisfy

the curious minds of the just and right

that is why I never try.

 

maybe some day I will draw a picture

it will only take a thousand words

I can paint the night and stars no moon

some will say it is absurd

 

just like the moon has the right to hide the light

from the Mother Earth

I can show what I want to show

I decide what it is worth

 

I believe what I want to believe

until the pills bring me "down"

I believe what I want to believe

for as long as I am around

 

or till a pill takes me down

 

some day some one might look back and say

"I can't believe they did that" to vic

just like I find it hard to believe

leaches and how blood was let from the sick

 

maybe some day will be looked upon

as an asset and not a debt

for I can give to society

more than most will bet.

 

sure I can push a button

make a computer work

but 15 pills a day keep my secret

at times I feel like a jerk

 

maybe I need more pills

 

 


 

MISTAKES

 

Some will argue without fault

that to try is better

than not at all

but at times it is the hardest thing to do

 

to take a chance

to dare romance

to swing at a possible curve

 

to climb a mountain

or walk in the fountain

to gather all our nerve.

all of lives journeys

start with a single step

I need not mention

risk will develop

 

every time I wake up in the morning,

I will not forget

to read the label on the tube

for Brylcreem taste like shit

 

and when I make my way to the kitchen

I go down the stairs with care

because marbles are fun to play with

as long as you know they are there

 

and then I make my breakfast

just cereal and toast

but when I take the bread out

well a fork makes my toast coast

 

then I go to work

we are building a chimney today

I make sure I know the rules

slow and steady wins the race

 

Now I need a shower

maybe not but I will take one in case

and just because the biggest bug in the world came out

I will not slip in haste.

 

and now I have to go to sleep.

DAMN I forgot my noon pill.

well I will take the rest of them

and sleep I know I will.

 

I made it through another day,

I wish I could have done better

but mistakes made on days gone by

helped this one stay together.

 

no I did not climb a mountain

but taken in hind sight

the steps I took living this SIMPLE day

I have climbed my mountain in my own right

 

some times we have to take a look at those things we do and take for granted. make coffee, or do laundry, or drive a car, or anything; because as we get healthier that list gets longer and longer. And sometimes we get down because we demand more of ourselves. It is frustrating. Sure it drives us to do better, but I find I get caught fixating on my self improvement, and not giving myself credit for achievements that I have earned.

 

Some may not know that I sit down to type as a form of therapy. I have no clue as to where the poem may take me. I let my instincts try to tell me what is happening with me. It seems a bit selfish to do so in this group. well this may not have been the most well written poem of my life, but it makes sense to me. I hope maybe someone else will read it an maybe it will make sense to them too

 


Morning Comes

 

Morning comes I sleep

till way past after noon

I don’t care if evening finds me

it is all the same

I try to care

I really do

It is really all the same

I feel hunger but it is only pain

the sun sets I never notice

I eat it gives me something to do

I do the things I ought to do

like clean and bathe and watch TV

My meds oh yeha I would not want to forget those

the tiny chemicals that the pharmasudical gods created

they must be swallowed

 

I am not sleepy

but I will sleep

 

mourning comes once more

 

 


Father’s Day

Today is the day many people

say "Dad I think you are great"

or maybe something like that

they will usually say

 

today is Father's Day

across the land

but I don't need a special day

to say that you are grand

 

In fact I ma living proof

that you are wise and good

the way I live the way I act

is thanks to you, it is understood

 

as a child you taught me well

as a teen you taught me right

as a man you showed me what it means

to fight the good fight

 

So on this special day set aside

I am really not sure what to do

all I can really think to say is - Thank You.


 

Myfriend

there are times I feel so bad

I feel as if I have no friends

and even though life is going well

I just want it all to end.

 

 

I mean sure I have enough money

and my family is always there

It just would be really nice

if love was not DNA compared

 

I mean My sisters and aunts and parents too

all know how special I am

when I get a chance to show my stripes

well my moods rewrite the program

 

Please don't get me wrong, I have people that care

most on the internet now.

These are the folks that keep the gun from my head

and keep air in my lungs somehow

 

Thankyou for reading the words in my head

thankyou for caring and supporting me to no end

thankyou I mean it I could very well be dead

if it were not for you -- my friends.

 

 


Not There

sometimes a miracle is just too much

for me to ever expect

I mean I pray, and worship and believe and all

but the sky remains dark gray

I ask for peace

I find war

I ask for love

I find a whore

I ask for food

I find rocks

I ask for shoes

I get socks.

I ask and ask and ask some more

and much to my avail

never do my words reach heaven

the sound just seems to trail

I have failed.

I want to die,

but that would be wrong

I have been told this time and again

by people that are happy and have many many friends

The doctors drive fancy cars,

and when I look around

all the time I hear "Don't jump"

from a "friend" that doesn't frown.

I know God is not a take out store

and understand when I say

The God that made my life this way doesn't care.

He is not there.

 

 

 

 

 


Please

I pray

 

Pleas make today a day of patience

so that what is said is to me is clear.

Please make to day one filled with strength

so I can overcome my fear.

 

Please make today a day of justice

a day that is civilized.

Please make today focused

so on my judgement I can really

 

make today my day

make today bright

make today clear

make today light

 

If it is in your plan to bring pain to my day

I will accept it

if it is has to be there is rain in my day

I will accept it

if words I don’t like must be spoken that I have to hear

I will accept it

if when the sun falls nothing is clear

I will accept it

 

All I ask Lord is

Please make today.

 

 


Replaced

please excuse the sarcasm, it is just that I am mad

a friend of mine said something and it made me sad

this friend well she believed that if given enough time

that her entire life would be put behind

 

her ways would be forgotten

her laugh would ring no more

She said everything she is right now

could be bought at a store

 

She could be found at a temp service

She could be bought right off the street

her services from those that love her

were mearly common charity

 

I stayed silent once to often

and her tears roll down my cheeks

every time I remember her

as she reaches out to me

 

I said nothing she is dead

those are the facts at hand

She will NEVER be replaced

I hope now she understands.

 


Sleepless

One day I woke up, and in the mirror

there was a person crying

Who he was was not clear

but I knew that he was dying

 

I screamed for someone else's help

and someone came quickly

but for some reason someone else

saw no one in the mirror but me.

 

I went to sleep

 

I woke up

I was in another room

and strangers seemed to know my name

 

I thought it strange

I am of legal age

and I don't remember a thing

about this wedding ring

 

I went to sleep

 

How do you plea?

the judge asked

waking me up from a pleasant dream

 

You are guilty he proclaimed

that he said to me

you are to serve life imprisonment

without so much as a key

 

 

I cried ,

I screamed ,

I begged ,

I screamed,

I had no clue

I screamed

of what to do

I screamed

 

I shut up

 

I realized that they mad a mistake

I was thrown out the back door

I ran like hell past then lake

 

to see the jail never more

 

I ran to my house

right to my bed

laid on the pillow

my tired head

 

I could not sleep

 

I only thought of my terrible sentence

and could never slept again

sure my eyes close from her to hence

but good dreams I only pretend

 

here I am time has passed, I am doing the best I can

I want my dreams back and I'll be damned

if I never sleep again

 

"I'll be damned", that is funny I am damned right now

I know there is hope it is true some how

there is my friend

 

for if I can never dream again

then the fire in my heart

will cease and no longer try to mend

 

if I can still find it in my heart

to make another comfy

then there will be a day that somebody

will bring comfort to me

 

I will sleep

 

 

 

 

 


Someday

Me desistí del gran secreto

Que nos permita talvez añadir

Cién letras más al alfabeto

Y tengo fe al predecir

Que alguna vez habrá palabras

Que expresarán lo que quiero decir

Y habrá una balada

Que cantará la ilusión

Que hay en mi

Que alguna vez tendremos alas

Para volar, volar y volar

Y al terminar cada jornada

En una estrella

Poder descansar

 

We are aware of the grand secret

That we might have even have to augment

No letters to really upon let alone an alphabet

Still I have faith when I say

Some day there will be the words

So that my intentions will somehow be heard

Someday there will be a ballad

that sings the illusion

that is me

Someday we will have wings

To fly, fly and fly

and at the end of journeying

upon a star

we will find rest.

 

 

 

 


Sticks and Stones

What to do when someone cares

and really wants to help

but in the end they aggravate

by the advice they tell

 

I don’t want to be rude

I don’t want to explode

I don’t want to say "dude"

"shut up leave me alone"

 

I mean after all he is so proud

to be "helping" a fellow human being

what am I to say when

he hurts my feelings

 

He starts of with the usual

"I know how you feel"

HE HAS NO CLUE

about the way my world is

 

but that is as common as

"how are you today"

no one wants an answer

it is just something to say

 

by the end of all of five minutes

he has told me what my Problem is

and that life is so much more simple

from his perspective

 

Now I am inferior.

my thoughts are all skewed

he proceeds for some time

to explain his point of view

 

"He is a nice person"

I keep telling myself

"let him talk just don’t listen"

I keep telling myself

"sticks and stones can blah blah blah"

I keep telling myself

"he is gone now"

I keep telling myself

 

sticks and stones can brake my bones

but my bones heal

words and ignorance can hurt cause damage

I will always feel

 

 

there is no "dude" this is just how I feel about a few of my neighbors that have "caught" depression, but got over it and now want me to do the same.

 


Word1

I know I am not the man

That you expect me to be

my shining armor is made smoke and mirrors

my actions they mislead

 

When I look so passionately

into a glance from your eyes

I can see your frustration

I feel you screaming "why ?"

 

I cant defend my nature

I just know I act on faith

if I were to move too soon

that would be a mistake

 

I want to reveal you

uncover your real self

not the actress I know right know

but the you that lives in stealth

 

Maybe that is too much to ask

but there is where your passion lies

It is possible I am wrong

but I am not it is in your eyes

 

You see I have been investing time

in hopes you would come out and play

and walk on the beach and in my arms

you might know you are safe.

 

I have time and patience

I think both are well spent

and if I never get to know you

hey at least I have found a friend.

 

 


Tell Me I Am Beautiful

Tell me that I am beautiful

I really need to hear

words of praise about me

entering in my ear

 

I jump I dance I rhyme for you

and silence is all I hear

sure my eyes are ugly now

they are full of tears

 

I hate to even bother you

you are obviously better than me

but could you look in my direction

is there one good thing you see

 

I am sure there is something

that catches your knowledgeable eye

I could change I know I can

at least I could try

 

tell me I am beautiful

even if you must lie

words can cure my self esteem

I have no reason why

---

 

I am Gods creation damn it

I know I have worth

I did not walk of a photo shoot

but I have had His image from birth

 

Look closely here is your last chance

to verbalize what I already know

tell me I am beautiful --

too late here I go

 

I am beautiful

this is obvious to me

I may not be aesthetic

but there is more to see

 

I have a heart holding more than blood

twenty-four seven and three hundred-sixty-five

passion truth and love are commodities

no plastic surgeon can derive

 

Oh yeah I am beautiful

even in this light

a perfect "10" strutting my stuff

down the catwalk of life.

 

 


The hand.

 

the hand that you were dealt

is the hand that you must play my friend

understand there is much more to the game

throw the cards in once in a while

it doesn't mean you are weak

by no means is it a sign of shame

 

The rules to the game?

I thought you understood

they are specific and they are not concise

no one really knows them

you know that cant be good

I learned to play by breaking them once or twice

 

You are a good person

that has a smart head

next round you will have all the chips

remember all us small time players

as you are saying "I remember when"

and smiling at the hand.

 

 


The Mirror

I was once told that people are allot like mirrors. Every mirror has imperfections, so as to reflect a bit differently. I have a feeling one of your mirrors is broken, or maybe warped, or maybe even turned to the sun so as to blind you, or maybe even turned around all together, so as to give the impression of total darkness. I do not know.

 

Just remember you are a mirror too, and just as fragile as the rest of us. Take care of you .

 

 


The People Must Be Remembered

I have watched more TV

than I really think I should

the news is so incredible

and the coverage is pretty good

 

but I would like to make a distinction

that I have not herd yet made

death is the tragedy

not the mess that was made

 

Sure this goes without saying

I am not sure it is right

but I have spoken that were mad as hell

because they had to miss their flight

 

others regret the fact

they will never stand

atop a trade center tower

and see people look like ants

 

I even heard it on TV

that the buildings were attacked

I feel the people are the ones

we will never quite bring back.

 

 


The Razors Edge

Come one come all

the ride is about to leave

calling it a roller coaster would be a lie

the climb is pure anticipation

the can last for days

once at the top you can see for miles

 

The top the top that razor's edge

dance and jump

and pray it never ends

 

It ends.

 

there is no fall

there is no scream

there is no chance to raise your hands

the bottom of darkness

time stands still

there is cement in the hourglass sand

 

tomorrow, next week, next month, next year,

next minute will not come

sleep if you can

eat if you must

smile always smile for the cameras

watch for signs of light

and cry when no one can sense your fear

try not to laugh to hard

when asked "where does it hurt"

does it hurt?

is fear pain?

can loneliness inside be cured with an aspirin

is the fact that so many love me, and nobody really cares an oowwwwweeee?

sleep

rest

tomorrow is another day

tomorrow is another day

tomorrow is a day

tomorrow is day

tomorrow I

 

a ray of sunshine

climb for it

let instincts pull and push

energy

in your heart

start to fill your veins so much

 

faster and harder

eat sleep and pray

you see the first sunrise

The air feels fresh

the food tastes great

life is heaven for your eyes

 

at the razors edge.

 


The Winds of Change

 

The winds of change are coming

I have felt their touch before

and like a fool I hurried up

and closed each and every door

 

I closed every window

sat down and closed my eyes

I remained the same

change I would not try

 

now I am older

and in many ways I am the same

as for the world around me

I don't recognize at all that is a shame

 

the winds of change can be but warm breezes

on a bitter cold winter day

little by little they can melt the snow

and make it go away.

 

the winds of change can have the gale force

of a tornado or a hurricane

in an instant they can bring people together

by taking things away

 

do not fear the wind

do not fear the change

do not fear the challenge

do not fear the pain

 

wind is a natural force of movement

that can move the sands of time

and change is what elevates mere survival

to living a rich and full life

challenges make us stronger

only if they are accepted

and fear of pain can cause fear

of taking paths with hard times ahead

 

true the winds of change are coming

true they are already here

true they were here yesterday

true they were here last year

 

true that the winds of change

feed on the spirits they transform

I have reached a time in my life

I simply must weather the storm

 

 

 


The Words

What is the word or sentence or phrase

that can fully and properly explain

that death is an option not one I want to take

but none the less it is in my brain

 

"No!", I hear that is not true

"not when there is so much in your life."

"Suicide now it doesn't make sense,"

"how can you bare to say good-bye?"

 

there is no thinking I try to explain

but to no avail for I can't get through

I ask them to remember back to the day

that instincts were their golden rule

 

I ask if there is an impulse in their head

that wasn't processed but true

well I sometimes have the impulse to be dead

It is not what I want to do

 

I suppose it is a sickness,

maybe it is a gene

maybe it is just the devil

or God being mean

 

but by any account here I stand

breathing in and out

and death is an option

I sometimes think about

 

I really don't want to find the words

that can make anyone understand

why this particular course of action

has become mine to command

 

Because I might just be too good at it

and what good would it do

to have one more person on the Earth

that thinks of suicide too

 

The words I am looking for are simple

I know not exactly what they are

but they are all based on principle

deep in the instinct of who we are

 


Then and Now

 

There was a time I remember

that my life was going fine

some steps I took were wrong

but at least I knew they were mine.

 

Now I find myself at the gates of heaven

and my legs won't seem to move.

I am going through hell alone now

I don't know what to do.

 

I have lived and learned to be on my own

and I have cared for all around me

I have never been really alone

that is how it should be

 

Now I find that I need help

after my life is done

I have won every battle there is to fight

but the war has just begun

 

I have to learn to live again

I have to learn to cry.

There will be times I can't be a friend.

I know I have to try.

 

Oh, I can walk backwards with the greatest of ease

I can feel the flames at the door.

Or I can face this "friendship" disease

and learn to live once more

 

I must trust

I must believe

not only when I want to

 

I must love

that includes me

not only when I want to

 

most of all

I will pray

not only when I want to.


The Pain

I sit here sweating pouring satisfaction

knowing I did what I could do.

earlier I tried to run a mile

once I would do it just for fun

 

I tried to run but there was pain

I could not pinpoint exactly where

looking back I am not positive

it was even ever there.

 

I got sad, because you see

my meds are causing my weight gain

and when I try to counter it.

all I get is pain.

 

I tried to reason that tomorrow

I will heal, and run I will

but that is like what I said yesterday

even longer back still

 

I started thinking, getting down

feeling the pounds add up knowing not what to do

then a little rage built up inside me

an my eyes turned red from blue

 

I am NOT going quietly into the good night

misquoted part of me from inside

unless something falls off I am going to fight

I will live life with pride.

 

so at 11:30 in the evening I started my run

I did not even look at my watch

and sure enough there was pain, not fun

but this pain I could describe to everyone

 

This was the pain of fear, and the unknown

the feeling that you are alone in your task

I was determine unless something fell off

I would wear my athlete’s mask

 

as I turned the first block and could see my goal

the one half mark in sight.

all of a sudden my instincts kicked in

I remembered how to do it right.

 

I never did like running I smiled to myself

the mask I was wearing went back on the shelf

because the pain has turned into a memory

replaced by resolve and aggression that will not melt

 

The next I remember I am tuning back

remembering techniques lost in my past

breathe in breathe in 1,2,3, breathe out 1,2,3

I can finally relax.

 

 

How fast did I run it, was it a record pace.

would I have been embarrassed if I were in a race

It was slow I know it, but the fact sill remains true

I kick my but to run now the mile is through

 

Not to make this longer, but I feel I should explain

this was not about running, it was about the pain

 

 


We Are Glorious

 

I am Catholic too and the I listen to the sermons

sometimes I get right out and leave

before I red your post I was wondering if I had lost Him

and suddenly I felt something in me

 

my helping hands acted automatically

I felt the need to speak

but the place that I am in right now

my words may be a bit weak

 

so use your imagination or your logic

if you must

All you really need to have

is trust

 

Trust that in the sunrise of tomorrow

God has placed a small portion of his glory

in the western horizon when the sun sets

God has placed a small portion of his glory

in the night moon and all the stars

God has placed a small portion of his glory

 

Oh there is glory left Lots and lots and lots

and it is not hard to see

it is in the souls

of you and me

 

sure there will be rain clouds

but the sun will still rise and set

there are clouds in our minds as well

but please never forget

 

weather we see it or not,

we are glorious.


Welcome Weary Stranger

 

 

 

 

Name: vic

Email: N/A

Subject: welcome weary stranger

Date: Aug 19, 1998 at 08:04 EST

 

To those of you that read the words,

but feel you don't belong.

please feel free to speak your mind

and help us in our song

 

we sing the blues, we sing the Reds

we sing a little off key

the most important thing of all

is this is about you and me

 

the people here are friendly

all are very sincere

and some of us have a sense of humor

most some of us have tears

 

I know first hand that never before

have I ever known a "place"

that I could say "I don't care"

right to someone's face.

 

Here is a place that I can speak my mind

and at least someone will understand

Here we find the normal people

that can lend a helping hand.

 

and a smile:)


What If

What if I do tell you all the things

you really don’t want to hear

would any of the facts change

would would life become less clear

 

What if I take advantage

of every weakness and strength I posses

would the facts change

would I live with more or less?

 

What if I do give you all the answers

to the tests that life has in store

would the fact change

would you end up with much more

 

what if I make a promise

I do not intend to keep

will the facts change

will I burn for eternity

 

 

What if I do nothing

more than sit right here and breathe

would the fact change

yes they would indeed

 

when I talk

when I take

when I give

when I make

I live

 

When I do noting

I exist.

 

 

 

 


What Is The Point

I really wish I could take control

of my life that I am living

I am old enough to be self sufficient

and to society I should be giving

 

aw what the heck does complaining do

I will live until I die

I think I will just go back to sleep

and keep drawing SSDI.

 

 


When Does It Get Better

When does it get better

I need the exact date

at least assurance that

I am not way too late

 

maybe it got better

when I was sound asleep

maybe I missed the call

this may be all for me

 

God may never smile

the way I want him to

wishes made on twilight stars

may never even come true

 

I am way beyond frustrated

but have not yet given up

ho much does life want to treat me

like the local dump

 

maybe giving up will help

maybe I should give that a try

just sit here in my bed

and cry


Why

I saw the pictures on TV I still cannot believe

that terror can be quite so real

CNN showed time and again the sequence of events

I feel bad about the way I feel

Thousands of people died today all I can say is wow

I feel like I just saw a flick

As sure as am here today I feel those actors will walk away

it was just a smoke and mirrors trick

There couldn't have been anyone inside the missing piece

of the pentagon that protects the world

upon a New York on a sound stage the cameras produced

explosions that cause blood to curl

 

There were people there was no warning

I am scared

the tragic number of fatalities

is beyond compare

 

there are more that are

physically hurt

the world has changed today

we are more alert

 

I feel bad I want to cry

but all I can do as ask, why?

 


AFRIEND

What I am looking for in a friend

 

a pulse would be nice

to have in a friend

an a smile yeha a smile

and a laugh that isn't pretend.

 

Female I think

I happen to like them more

call me old fashioned

call me a bore

 

but when dancing cheek to cheek

I just feel I am in trouble

when I feel the grit

of razor stubble

 

I like honesty

It is reality swell

but knowing when to lie

can save a bit of hell.

 

No I am not saying

I approve of bold face lies

but sometimes to keep the peace

fibs at times arise.

 

But I always tell the truth

never do I sway

(I like a person gullible too

really I'd rather a brain).

 

Oh I could go on and on

till both feet were in my mouth

it is a curse it is how I write

it is how my thoughts get out.

 

but I will be kind, at least I will find

if you care for me to say hello again

or maybe Dr. Seus is not your style

when it comes to friends.

 

 


A Writer's Pride

 

It was told to me long ago

back when I was still in school.

that to write it is to reveal your soul

and take the comments -- bad and cruel

 

leave out one strand of your moral fiber

from what it is you say

hold back an ounce your convictions

and you're just sharpening the blade

for your words will cut right through

who you believe you are

and sleep will only get easier

once you accept from a far

that your pen is not longer a tool you use

to state the way you feel

but rather it is what you use

whenever you want a meal

 

for it is easy to white in the public eye

when you say what has been heard

and never contradict the golden rule

... uh, I mean the golden word.

 

"This is as he said,

"It is as it was

"He has a smart head.

"It is a great cause

"He was so right

"She was not wrong

"There is only darkness at night

"Everyone belongs.

 

As you minstrel to the public's ear

and get a feel of what to say

what the masses want to hear

the dollars you'll find some day

 

but to publish all that is in your heart, without regard to what may subside

may leave you dead and poor with only a writer's pride

 

 

 

 


Count The Heartbeats

How many heartbeats till I can laugh again

there must be a certain count

How many I want to know till I can cry

only when I know that I am crying about

 

There must be a certain number

I am sure it is extremely big

that can indicate how much more

how many heartbeats until I can finally live

 

I am keeping count inside my head

because I know some day some how

I will find out the magical number

I will continue to count

 

When that last beat comes flowing through my veins

I will jump and dance and sing

for I will have all I want

every last imaginable dream

 

But what if that heartbeat never comes

I mean there is "another" numbered too

maybe I should try to find

an "alternate route"

 

A path that is set for only me

that takes me where I must go

It may mean breaking from the ordinary

aside from the straight and narrow

 

Maybe I might do more than just wait

for that med to cure my will

for it will only take longer

and longer if I only stand still.

 

I said all that to a person, years ago

as he looked at me from a mirror.

Maybe tomorrow will finally be the day

the answer will become clear.

 

how many heartbeats will it take?

 

 

 

 


Emotions

I write my poems once in a while

sometimes I get one right

if I am lucky I will get a smile

for a not so badly written line

 

I can always pull a tear

from a concerned and gullible eye

just by writing a line of fear

I don't even have to try

 

I suppose I can juggle base emotions

that is what poems do

by giving or implying simple notions

the words make the feelings true

 

Death and dying is so so sad

this is known to everyone

but when I write of the glory it has

a different experience it does become

 

and sixteen candles oh what joy

at least it usually is

unless there is the monologue

of missing that first kiss.

 

yes emotions are what the poems are about

not just words and rhyming

I mean "Sam I am" is just a phrase

but green eggs, "yuck" they sound slimey

 

 

 

 


 

Faith

Flor,

I did tell you I am a poet, but left out the reason why.

I write to understand who I am and what I feel.

what is faith?

I have been faced with this question.

far too many times

and I pray for clear direction

as I type this rhyme

 

When I was young I understood

that faith took no more that belief

the years have proven faith to be more

that just what I conceive

 

I mean I can say I have faith in you,

but that is somewhat tame

Kinda like saying I love Chocolate

when love you are trying to explain

 

The faith I speak of and wish to understand

if only in my limited way

is the faith in my Lord's merciful hand

The faith I have today.

 

I like to sleep, as some who know me are aware

And in sleep I find an example of true faith

for while twelve were fearing death by storm

Jesus slept his peace with God was made

He was startled to see the look of fear

in the faces he had known

I am sure they believed strongly

I am sure that day their faith did grow

 

You see faith needs all of a person

the mind the soul, the spirit.

and when there is faith inside me

I can almost hear it

It is as if I can walk the path

and know that I am walking right

even if the darkness that surrounds me

is of a cloudy moonless night

 

What Faith Means To Me

 

Faith makes me confident

not that I can or I will

I just know the I am

and that is such a thrill

 

I pray to Jesus constantly

I make my life a prayer

for once when I was smaller

I prayed for one more breath of air

 

And soon I prayed

for one more breath every time I breath

well it became very simple

to listen when the Lord talks to me

 

I must make clear I am the product

of many people's constant prayers,

most of which were for my health

when I needed care

 

What about the topic

at hand here and now

Faith is what I am here to describe

Faith is what this is about

 

Prayer is essential

to the faith in me

from the casual conversation

to when I fall to my knees.

 

The more faith is in me

the clearer it becomes

danger is not necessarily evil

and evil will be overcome

 

I do not hold a claim wisdom,

and knowledge is not my goal

so maybe I am wrong in what I see

maybe I am a fool

but when I sleep, I sleep well knowing

God is in control.

Believe it or not I was bugged that I could not even take a shot in the dark when asked what faith is. it has been a long time since anyone challenged me to think it feels good thanks. I have never had a pen pal, but would really like to correspond by mail. I am curious to read what you have to say about faith. If not, I am patient, we'll "talk" when you get back on-line; if you so desire. God willing I will see you at the picnic later this month, along with all the other smiling faces

 

Does everyone always smile that much in Canada? or is it just me?

 

Bye for now,

Vic


Friends

Once in a while, there comes along

someone you can count on to be there

at times it seems that he alone

is the answer to your prayers

 

Still again there is the one

that can never do you wrong

and then there is that person

that loves all your favorite songs

 

But I tell you girl take them in stride

their names will come and go

to make it in the halls of friendship

you have to have only one thing to know

 

there is only one side to him

That is not the one that the mirror shows

that is not the one that everyone knows

that is not the one that is jolly and fun

that is not the one that can handle a gun

that is not the one that can make the pope cry

that is not the one that will always try

that is not the one that will hold your chair

that is not the one that notices you are there

 

friendship is built like a very fine mirror

every time you meet you grow nearer and nearer

and soon the friend will appear to you

as someone you know through and through

 

My friends are like an antique mirror

that has imperfections century old.

and every day I have to take on faith

that our friendship will continue to unfold.

 

 

 

 

Hello

Hello :)

 

I was to leave this blank

that was to be the effect.

but then I may never ever get this chance

to vie for a touch of respect.

 

I am not a bad person as people go,

still I have to admit

I would be the lucky one should you and I

go walking down the street

 

 

Oh I can be handsome,

I am sure you are a babe

and with can ooze out of our pores

 

But I fell there would be a presence

an aoura if you will

and you will the one to be adored.

 

How do I how this

how can I know

to be honest I don't

but I had to say more than

hello.

vic

 

 

 

If

If You Are Reading This

 

I have never lost a friend.

I have never lost a love.

I have never lost a dollar.

that I didn't think of.

 

I can't stop you from sleeping Rose

I know better than to try.

If you never read this

I will try not to cry

 

I will try.

 

But If you read this you will know that

I am writing from the heart.

and the journey is almost over

even you chose not to start.

 

It will be rougher every day

and this I will assure to you

that yesterday wasn't the last

day that you couldn't pull through.

 

I will try

 

No, tomorrow has its demons

and they are stronger than you think

You have walked throughout hell Rose

and in your strength you forgot to blink

 

Pictures are engraved in your soul no man should endure

Dante could have used them

You must. Use them. Find beauty. Find the pure.

 

I will try.

 

Rose I know that it seems we've no power

at times to even take another step.

and sometimes even to breathe

takes too much pep.

 

but alas rose I am telling you there will be a moment

that you look back at a century gone by

and laugh loudly at satin and hell and earth from heaven.

after I draw my last breath I will try.

 

 

 


Impress

Impress her I must,

I know that I can

I must show her

that I am more than a man.

 

Rise to every occasion

Fall at her whim

praise her beauty

from head to limb.

 

But did I not say

Just a few short years ago

as I saw big brother

as he was putting on a show.

 

It was clear to see with every move

that the maiden was looking for him

and obviously he had not a clue

a he turned the lights down dim

 

And when I grow up,

I will never surrender

to the forces of evil

my body puts me under

 

I am me! Only me.

that is who I am.

not at a fish in a stream

showing off my dance.

 

I am kind , I am generous

I am funny so I am told

but most of all

My heart is not he least cold.

 

Any smart female will see this at once

and jump at the chance if the catch.

that is what I said back when I was young.

oh the bliss of those days.


 

Just Hi

 

I have said it time and again but this time is different I suppose.

my mood swings are happening now is my chance to live life and just let go.

To bad I am " disabled"

to bad I am "over weight"

To bad I am "Bipolar"

to bad I am not straight.

To bad I don't have all my senses

and it is a shame I can't think

To bad I am not "normal"

If I rise I will just sink.

 

Well I find it hard to label

a bird that fell out of the tree.

I mean chick is probably destine

to be a cats entrée'

 

the only thing that happened

in most cases you will find

is that there was a eager young foul

that really wanted to fly.

Thanx to its high-strung spirit

the little bird must lie in the grass

not knowing just when which

peep will be its last.

 

So he sits there still and quiet,

even when Mom has a relay neat worm

he worries of danger all around him

even when there is no harm

He wakes up from sleep wanting to scream

when he realizes the flashback was just a dream

soon he weighs less than he should

so flight is not easy -- that's no good

 

And finally comes the day he can fly.

It is the day he must fly.

 

Then nature, time and instincts take

their course, and soon the skies are graced with a

hawk that once lived like a mouse.


 

My 2 Cents

There are times that I remember well

that my world was a living breathing hell

never did I have a prayer

the worst part was that I did not care.

 

well day by day those that believed

that I could be more than constant grief

prayed prayers sincere, from the heart

and little by little the healing did start.

 

when I say little I mean little

the healing is going slow,

but for some time now

I know the way to go.

 

I can look in the mirror

and in my eyes

the ere is a Loooooong tunnel

and at the end I see light

 

the light is the part I once used to use

to fight when I was down and confused.

and it is getting closer, and bigger, and bright

now I remember how to fight.

 

when the winds are blowing and the rain really hurts

and there is no place to hide,

that is when I push and do my best to stand straight

Knowing I will not die.

I have pride,

 

and many times the softest winds have knocked me down

and times I did not want to get up

but the fire inside me soon overcomes

all that bad icky stuff.

 

today I ran past the three mile mark

and that was a personal victory

I say this not to brag, well yes I do

I am sorry, but you see.

 

Never in my wildest dreams

did I ever conceive

that maybe just maybe

I could ever compete.

 

again

 

I am not running to be skinny or strong

I run because I believed all along

that God had taken my talents away

I see he was just storing them for another day

 

I know I can't be the only one to feel the sting

of a passionate heart that dying to sing

 

again

 

I hate to run is the bottom line.

but if I can do it then VICTORY is mine.

because I could do it before

when I was sane and in line

 

why tell you this I am sure you may ask

am I rubbing it in because I can?

no my friends I am not quite that cold

there is actually a sense of challenge in this poem

 

I know it is hard to push fear aside.

and try to come back after being pushed aside,

maybe at time it may seem so unfair.

but we are strong all of us the proof is

-- we are here

 

What is the challenge, what do I dare,

well that is up to you what ever is fair.

that is right you read it I said fair

maybe

see the outside once a day

make a cake or delicious soufflé'

once every day go for a walk

once every month give junior a talk

ride that bike hanging in the garage

start painting again, using the brush.

 

try to remember one thing from your past

that used to make the good times last.

 

and if you have not recent recollection

of things that once were fun.

the you my friend have a double challenge

if you choose to just find one,

 

I can't tell you how to go about

finding the dream of your own

but I do know this life is hard without

a vision to call your own

 

I know I have typed more than usual

and maybe it makes no sense

it is just my opinion, and I stand by my words

this is just my 2 cents.

 

 

 

 

 


Sometime

Me desistí del gran secreto

Que nos permita talvez añadir

Cién letras más al alfabeto

Y tengo fe al predecir

Que alguna vez habrá palabras

Que expresarán lo que quiero decir

Y habrá una balada

Que cantará la ilusión

Que hay en mi

Que alguna vez tendremos alas

Para volar, volar y volar

Y al terminar cada jornada

En una estrella

Poder descansar

 

You have told of the grand seacret

You might have permited us to aument

Without leters let alone an alpheebt

Still I have faith in what I say

Some day there will be te words

That express what I have to say

Someday there will be a ballad

that sings the illusion

that is me

Sometime we will have wings

To fly, and fly and fly

and at the end of every days journy

upon a star

we will find rest

 

We are aware of the grand secret

That we might have even have to augment

No leters to realy upon let alone an alphebet

Still I have faith when I say

Some day there will be the words

So that my intentions will be heard

Someday there will be a ballad

that sings the illusion

that is me

Sometime we will have wings

To fly, fly and fly

and at the end of journying

upon a star

we will find rest.

Spring is Near

 

it is cold, the sky is gray

soon spring will be on its way

the plants will grow

the words will sing

telling of the sun

summer will bring

cook outs, fireworks, and longer days

bricklayers making better pay

for now just sit and bide some time

enjoy the sunshine in your mind


The Waterfall In My Mind

 

Spring is when the mountains cry

for part of it is melting away

Tear by tear, inch by inch

a river begins to live again

 

life is removed from the mountain

as erosion takes its toll

but the tears are tears of joy

as the river looses control.

 

Every year the mountain has been patient,

the mountain is patient still

for each year nature shows

there is beauty in that there hill.

 

The flow it is raging

with caps of white and all.

Mother nature is carefully staging

the beauty of a water fall.

 

The edge of the mountain is cut just so

and this I know for certain

that no fabric known to man

will make a more elegant curtain.

 

The illusion is awesome from a distance

but as my boat gets near

The shear magnitude of the motion involved

causes excitement and raw fear.

 

Still I have to know

what it fells like on the other side

as I steer the craft with nerves of steel

it is a matter of pride.

 

WOW what a sight I have to remember

next time I come see this

to bring her along

it is perfect for a kiss.

 

I am sure they were here all along

and I was just too nervous to note.

Rainbows bright as any I have seen

all around my boat.

 

I feel as though I am Noah

and this would be my arc

and God himself is speaking to me

in the colors as bright as they are.

 

As I float away I am somewhat sad

I am leaving such majestic glory behind

the farther I go I know I will survive

thanks to the waterfall in my mind.


 

The Solution

 

 

 

Name: vic

Email: N/A

Subject: The solution

Date: Feb 08, 1999 at 08:52 EST

 

There was a day actually a night

that I decided to die

I knew that I would be happier

at least it was worth a try.

 

I took a 2 liter bottle

dissolved a bunch of stuff

anything I could find

that would kill me just enough

 

I succeeded I was dead

the monitors line was flat

my solution worked

how about that

 

for years I believed

I really was dead

when life is hell

it plays with your head.

 

Thank God you are alive

everyone would say

I hate that still

I hate it this day.

 

alas time passed, I healed

and I learned to smile

I even learned to dream

 

recently I have discovered

that dreams come true

if you have faith and you believe.

 

The solution ... the answer

the best angle to take

 

Lies not our perception

but rather the life we make

 

in our least significant prayers.

 

 

Your decisions are your own

to say death is not a choice

well that would be a lie,

One I cannot voice

 

but the way I see it

there will come a day

the door to life will close

why not fight just one more day

 

 

 

 


 

God’s Mistake.

 

Over here to your left

you will plainly see

God's mistake

that would be me

 

framed in indecision

unique and not quite right

lacking the will

to fight

 

notice the texture

the brush stokes are all wrong

his point of view is skewed

his stubbornness is very strong

 

Standing next to David

by Michael Angelo

his flaws almost laughable

any one would know

 

I shine like a star at night

David only glows

my eyes are proof of life

my windows to my soul

 

I can think of laughter

and I can think of pain

I can comfort a friend

I can be comforted again

 

I have God inside me

David well he does not

I love and I am loved

That really means allot

 

Angelo carved the perfect man

front stone he chiseled away

I sand before you a masterpiece

my imperfections make me that way.

 


The Brightest Star

 

Somewhere in the dark of night

there shines the brightest star

really really really bright

and really really far

 

Once this star was very faint

not much to see at all

less than a tiny drop of pain

the star was oh so small

 

Every night the star would wish

someday that it would be so

to shine brighter than the night before

the star wanted to grow

 

So, the little star ate every thing

that was on its plate

soon other stars were noticing

how the little star radiates

 

The star grew bigger and brighter

each and every passing night

and stronger and faster

the star soon took to flight

 

While other stars were falling

because they were so tired

the little star grew brighter

flying higher and higher

 

The star loved to play allot

dance and jump and sing

and when the star got way too hot

the star enjoyed resting

 

now . . .

 

Helping is what the brightest star

really likes to do

twinkling way up in the sky

all the long night through

 

Twinkle twinkle way up high

guiding ships across the sea

on the dark and starry nights

is where the brightest star will be

 

So when the sun has gone to sleep

after a long and busy day

take a look you might see

the brightest star so far away.

 

The End.

 

 


Creation

 

Creation is so simple

all you have to do

is simply apply talents

that have been afforded you

 

a sculptor sees a statue

in a hunk of rock

a chef conjures up tasty treats

with whatever he has got

 

a gardener turns an empty land

into a garden so serene

an artist approaches canvas

with visions yet unseen

 

a poet can write a poem

simply just because

a priest can write a sermon

worthy of applause

 

even an accountant

can create a tax return

teachers can create

so kids can learn

 

the list is endless

there is no doubt

that is what the

whole world is all about

 

creation is so simple

there is one link for what it is worth

every one that can create

can thank their mom for birth.

 

 

 

 


Another Ships Passing Poem

Theresa,

 

(Another Ships Passing Poem)

 

not so long ago, not as long as one would think

men would sail the waters alone

ships would traverse the seas for long periods of time

men would have only memories of home

 

once in a great while, I would imagine

a ship would be spotted from crows nest

even the least faithful on board either vessel

would pray no harm would be met

 

for a flag is only colors on a cloth

many times it did so deceive

pirates were a fact of life

an unfortunate reality

 

once it was clear to the captains

friends not foe were floating near

the celebration must have been clamorous

joyous and sincere

 

I am certain there were conversations

and ale to be had

alas too soon the ships would continue

on their previous path

 

sure the ships would sail

on their predetermined course

but thanks to their encounter

their spirit would be restored

 

So it was I imagine

a long long time ago

I suppose I could be wrong

but I really do not think so

 

a long few weeks have passed

our sails, and courses are set

to be honest in the years to come

much you have told me I probably will forget

 

but as I look at the stars at night

largely thanks to you

I will rest assured fighting the good fight

is what I want to do.


Poetic Rrefraction

I wasn’t satisfied with what I said

as to why I write this way

let me just take a sec and understand

to try to set the record straight

 

when I rhyme the words just flow

as if blood from my soul

I don’t have any choices

I have no control

 

the words are not what I want to say

the words are not organized in a special way

the words are not refined

the words are not in my mind

 

the words just flow

 

(I would have deleted the top part)

Poetic Refraction

 

I was told a long time ago

everyone has a rainbow inside

they are sometimes hard to see

because of vanity and pride

 

I must admit I am quite proud

and my rainbow is buried kinda deep

but when I write my poetry

it is my rainbow that you see

 

Vic.


My First Real Attempt at Suicide

 

I remember why I started town the road I am on

I wasn’t angry

I wasn’t depressed

I wasn’t feeling down

I just wanted to move on

I wanted to see what would happen

 

I knew that there was more to life

than the life that I was living

I thought that I was being fair

that the fates would be forgiving

 

I looked at my options

one at a time

long and hard

I did

every one took too much work

I just wanted to seize to live

 

then in a moment of enlightenment

I realized all I had to do

 

nothing

 

I would eat when I was hungry

I would sleep when I was tired

I was tired

I would bathe if I was dirty

my plan was so inspired

 

no more pills I reasoned

soon my condition would be such

that suicide will be so welcome

once I get our of touch

 

that was a thought that passed my mind

for a moment but not too long

because for a day or two

there was nothing wrong

 

I felt finer than I ever had

in a looooon long time

I knew that I was manic

but I did not seem to mind

 

I knew the crash was coming

I fear it is still to come

I know that I will soon find

that feeling is just too much

 

still I had a little hope

that dangerous water of the soul

I prayed so hard every conscious minute

that I was in control

 

I know my prayers were answered

because here I sit right now

at the cross roads of hell and earth

I decide where to go and how

 

I can drive my car to the doors

that will lead me back to where I was

or I can drive till I run out of gas

in more ways than one I suppose

 

live one minute at a time

is all that I can try

I am confident that I will revert

to my first real attempt of suicide

 

You see I set a plan in motion

long before today

I made a promise to myself

that I really don’t want to break

 

I reasoned that eternity

is a really really long time

and no one can say with certainty

what I am going to find

 

I will not go easy into that good night

I will fight and rage

I will die soon enough

hopefully of old age

 

okay technically that is not suicide

it is just the opposite I suppose

but I made a promise I will try to keep

and that’s the way it goes.

 

 

11/12/03 10:46:46 AM

I stopped taking my meds 8 days ago.

I don’t know why

I do not feel like apologizing. I do honestly feel it was due to several factors:

* the Ambilify had an effect of making me feel suicidal at night. I went to see the doc about this but it is only in hind sight that I can realize that the reason she didn’t see anything wrong is because the med was actually working. When I went to see her I was feeling normal. he funny thing about my suicidal thoughts was that it was more of a feeling than a conscious thought. so when the feeling was gone I had no reason to despair

or eve think about feeling bad. It is kinda like a every time I take my car to the mechanic complaining about that little wakka wakka noise it was making when I made the appointment to see him. well when I got in the garage there was no wakka wakka noise. He is a very competent mechanic

as my doctor is very competent too (as a doctor); but try as he did he could not recreate the noise or find out what was wrong. It turns out I need a new timing belt on my car because 20

000 miles later every time it rains I hear “wakka wakka” . One of theses days I am going to look into that.

* I need to have someone to talk to. someone that isn’t living with me that I can use as a soundboard. possibly a consoler

or something. I need the help of a trained professionals to guide me thru some of my life choices. I was seeing a consoler

but he kept asking me “what do you expect me to do?” I kept telling him all kinds of crap like -- help me find work

or find out how I am lacking as a person

or help me enlarge my social circle

but the truth was I don’t need someone that has an agenda in fixing me

but rather someone that is willing to listen to what is happening in my life and professionally talk to me about what it is they think.

* I need a social group. My family loves me I know that but there is a certain aspect of support they cannot provide. from a mental health aspect I need to be able to just relax and be around friends. I could probably write a book on this point from other angles.

 

I am really too tired and messed up to think. I do want to leave myself a note to look into possible solutions to these points I have mentioned because I know I will not be so motivated once I start my meds again.

 

I did start an exercise regime and I think it is good. I trying to work out every day

at least 10-20 minutes. I think I should stay on that.

 


 

 

Mistakes II

Mistakes

 

I want to cry I want to scream

I can't believe I let myself dream

not once did I even think to prepare

for the feeling of despair

that is failure

 

there was pride and vanity in my face

this blow really put me in my place

I had a bad day

that is all I can say

 

that is all it was

I stumbled on my way to the top

I fell and I stayed down

instead of getting up

 

I have worked so hard to become

the person I am now

I have fallen in the past

I have gotten up somehow

 

the choice is mime to get up tomorrow

and meet the challenge of the day

or in my self pity

let time and opportunity slip away

 

it isnt as easy as it my seem

I am bruised and I want to heal

but that is not my style

I am Victor an that is how I feel

 

I can cry later if I so desire

when there is something to cry about

what good is this bit of wounded pride

that I can do without

 

I have faith that God has a plan

for every breath I take

I pray that I have the faith to be strong

and learn from my mistakes

I Was to be a Millionaire

I was to be a millionaire

and mary a beautiful wife

kids

I would have at least two

that was to be my life

 

I was to write the greatest poem

this world has ever read

at least be published

just one book before I was dead

 

I was to have a good job

one that pays he bills

and lets me fly to see the ocean

just for the thrill

 

I was to write a song or two

in my spare time for fun

and take pleasure in the spotlight

as they soar to number one

 

I was to have a great big house

with a seven car garage

the dinner parties I would host

would never be very large

 

I was to have a bank account

that I wouldn’t even understand

and an accountant I could trust

to make sure there was cash on hand

 

I was to live a life so great

and never even cry

I see now “I was”

was just a lie.

 

 

 


I am Vic I am New Here

I am Vic

I am new here

I think better when I rhyme

it is not that I am casual

it is my expressive side

 

I was diagnosed Bipolar

October 26

1991

that was the day I first went manic

and life as I now know it begun

 

I was lucky to respond

to lithium right of the bat

it didnt take me months or years

to find out what I had

 

Bipolar I a textbook case

they said I would never work again

I have yet to prove the doctors wrong

but I will in the end

 

I was a rapid cycler

and it took me years to understand

that alcohol and medicine

dont go hand in hand

 

I spent 2 months in a psych ward

in 1994

I got allot of education

I received so much more

 

finally I saw a doctor

that didnt see me as a text book case

I was a person to her

she saw the pain in my face

 

She talked to me and listened

and got me on some meds

that to this day I take

each night when I go to bed

 

I have been a snow bird

for oh about seven years

never holding a job too long

because of my manic tears

 

This past year I have settled down

in Cleveland for a while

I want to make a friend or two

I want to live n style

 

I have my own problems

loneliness and depression at times

but I also have a family that loves me

they keep me doing fine

 

well

I have typed your ear off

I am sure we will talk again soon

I just wanted to say "HI-HO"

and that I wold love to hear from you.

 

Vic.

 

 


For Shame

 

many times I walk alone

even in among friends

wearing a finely crafted mask

I dare to pretend

 

I tell myself that no one can see

the horror in my eyes

I tell myself again

I know I lie

 

I can hear the whispers

I when my back is turned

I can feel the wind of change

fuel the torches that burns

 

the dance just seemed to happen

I did not write the song

life knocked me down a notch

but not for long.

 

slowly the sun is fading

the mask that I have made

time and time again

I have found no shade

 

In the Son’s light I can see

that I am not so bad

God made me in his image

that helps me when I am sad

 

now whenever I hear a whisper

I turn around and see

others are just talking

not even about me

 

the winds of change blow strongly

but they always have

the best thing I can do

is laugh

 

for what did I suffer

for what was so wrong

for what made me so weak

when I was so strong

 

for shame.

 


Another Weekend

 

another weekend will soon be here

officially at five

time to relax

time to unwind

time to be alive

 

maybe I will do nothing at all

that sounds kinda nice

if I like doing nothing one day

I may just do it twice

 

maybe I will catch a matinee

there are some movies I want to see

maybe I will just buy a pizza

and rent a DVD

 

maybe I will do some laundry

I suppose I really should

my closet is quite empty

yes

laundry would be good

 

maybe I will see the game

at a local sports bar

win or lose I will have fun

that is how Browns fans are

 

Friday night

Saturday

and Sunday

What am I to do?

I can’t wait to find out

how about you?

 


Workitis

 

to be invisible

in plain light

to be darkness

in the night

to live

to only exist

to love

without a kiss

to work each day

eight to five

a paycheck proves

I am alive

taxes are paid

each week I am told

week by week

I get old

someday I will look back

someday I will see

the lack of vision I have

the missed opportunities

today I sleep till it is night

then I sleep some more

when I wake I go to work

just like the day before

not for money

not for fame

just for something to do

what a shame

What to do

What to do

 

when I was young I was told

by a man of wealth and means

that to be successful and happy

I had to stop wearing jeans

 

I had to grow up

I had to fly right

I had to make money

every day

every night

My Father told me it wasn’t so.

 

models and movie stars

told me the secret to success

was to work on your looks

and spend money on your dress

 

I had to stop eating

I had to work out each day

I had to turn the man in the mirror

into a Greek god of clay

My Father told me it wasn’t so.

 

eat laugh and be merry

for tomorrow there may be none

that was bliss for me

existing to have fun

 

I had to feel good

I had to eat

I had to consume

to be complete

My Father told me it wasn’t so.

 

there she was

standing in my head

happiness was life with her

without her I was dead

 

I had to have her

I had to dream her

I had to think her

she was perfect

My Father told me it wasn’t so.

 

One day I was infuriated

because I was right

determine to win

I was going to fight

 

I had to fight

I had to kill

I had to enforce

my stubborn will

My Father told me it wasn’t so.

 

to die and pay taxes

was all I had to do

after all nothing ever changes

into what I want it to

 

I had to do nothing

I had everything I need

I has only to exist

like a naturally planted seed.

My Father told me it wasn’t so.

 

Gates had so much money

Britny looks so fine

Banderas has all the ladies

their lot in life is so much better than mine

 

I had to be better than him

I had to have his dream

I had to have the latest and greatest

that is the way it seemed

My Father told me it wasn’t so.

 

 

My Father is in heaven

His name is holy indeed

He delivers me from evil

He gives me all I need

He is patient and forgiving

He as taught me to be the same

He is in control of what

I should do today.


This Particular Moment

 

this particular moment

is not the best time in my life

I am unemployed

living with my folks

at 36 that cuts like a knife

 

I don’t exactly fit the image

of a model on TV

I guess I should just get over it

I am fat and I will always be

 

I cant seem to get motivated

to find a job

to lose some weight

I try

I think of my failed attempts

and I don’t feel so great

 

My friend this is the moment

the instant I will point to

some day in the future

that I started saying “I DO”

 

I will say “I CAN”

I will say “I WILL”

I will say “I AM WORTH IT”

 

I am tired of feeling tired

I am tired of feeling pain

and I know that some days

all I will want to do is complain

 

I am bipolar it is true

that means I can get away

with doing hardly nothing

each and every day

 

but I am also ME

I know that a positive thought

can get me out of bed

as good as any med that I bought

 

at this particular moment

I feel the fire of hope burn

and tomorrow I start living

because it is MY TURN.


 

Spring Daze

 

 

when you look out your window

at another beautiful spring day

wishing you could just get up

and go outside to play

 

try to remember the trials

try to remember the pains

try to remember the troubles

when you were only eight

 

Life was oh so unfair

nobody listened to you

no one seemed to care

about your point of view

 

sitting in a desk

the spring day is so inviting

what was so important

about reading and writing

 

Now you sit behind a desk

when the day is so nice

I suppose that growing up

does come with a price

 

oh but what a bargain:

 

two great children

their love and respect

friends that say kind words of you

and a schedule that’s a mess

(I would love a messy schedule)

 

A job albeit a hard one

that brings home food and more

a fighting spirit

and your sense of humor

 

you have your looks and fashion sense

your wit and sarcastic mind

I could type forever

but I do have a point to find

 

Oh yeha I remember

the window and the great day outside

and helping you feel better

that to that desk you are tied

 

I cant change the fact

that you yearn to run and play

I only hope some sunlight

shines on your blessings today

 

 


Sleepless

another sunrise

starts another day

more energy pulses

thru my tired veins

 

I get out of bed

as I did the day before

knowing the sleep I need

is not what is in store

 

I have to laugh

I have to pretend all is right

knowing that I survived

yet another sleepless night

 

I hear people talk

it makes no sense

when I walk

I am on a fence

when I breath it hurts

my muscles remain ever tense

I look okay

under false pretense

 

the sun sets

evening starts

energy surges

thru my tired heart

 

I envy the day

that has just gone by

I envy the fact

that the day did die

 

I want to sleep

I need to sleep

I want to stop breathing

it hurts

 

my muscles ever tense

I want to feel nothing

 

1:30 in the morning

I type a stupid poem

energy fills my head

I think my hair needs to be combed

 

I have taken all my meds

and drank my herbal tea

meditated to soft music

after doing Tai Chi

earlier today I did exercise

so that I would get tired

and my muscles feel the pain

I am wired for the moment

it is hard to explain

 

I want to sleep

I will sleep

I sleep

eventually

I am tired.

 

 


Winter Mood

I have to wear so many clothes

just to go outside

winter seems such a bummer

looking thru my eyes

 

soon the snow starts falling

and then my cousin comes to play

we make the bestest snowman

on a sunny winters day

 

I can hear her laughter

on the crystals of her breath

as she hits me with a snowball

my clothes are all soaking wet

 

suddenly I am seeing winter

from a different point of view

the cold can be invigorating

depending what I do

 

the hot coco tastes so good

with little marshmallows and all

I forgot all about

summer

spring

and fall

 

it took a little child

to teach me this lesson but good

it is not the day on the calendar

that dictates my mood.

 

Vic


A Day in the Life

 

I want to write about the times

that are not really so bad

the moments that life is good

and I am not feeling sad

 

but for some unspoken reason

those ideas never seem to sell

ordinary life is ordinary

there is nothing much to tell

 

to wake up in the morning

tired from a long peaceful sleep

wanting 9 more minutes

then into the bathroom I creep

 

I wash my face I brush my teeth

I get dressed and eat breakfast too

late for work I rush into my car

only to get caught up in the morning slew

 

I make it to work in time

and before I know it is time for lunch

I eat a fast food burger

I know I shouldn’t do that too much

 

I stare at the clock I swear it is stuck

on ten minutes until five

tired from the days activities

I enjoy my afternoon drive

 

I cook myself some dinner

healthy as I can

catch the evening news

it is going to be sunshiny/rainy/ cloudy again

 

I get my stuff together

and make it to the gym

sweat for a half hour

I’m trying to get thin

 

My favorite television show is on

at 9 o’clock on the television set

I race home to catch it

in my Lazyboy I sit

 

I go outside to admire the stars

it is time for bed

today was a good day

I just thought this had to be said.

 


A Journal Entry 12-8-04

 

it seems like a long long time ago

I was having a realy really hard time

I didn’t think I had anything that mattered

I thought I could have been sold for a dime

 

now I am not sure what has changed

I feel better I feel good

I feel like I am worth soooo much

I think that is just understood

 

my days are full

at night I sleep

rarely do I stop

and think I want to weep

 

I would be lying if I said

that my life was perfect as could be

I still am a bit of a loner

I guess that is just me

 

I would rather have

no friends at all

than just a bunch of names in a phone book

that I never call

 

I am not lonely though

not most of the time

I suppose that is the way

I was made by the one divine

 

all in all I am okay

I like the way life is going

I liked the things I did today

all in all my life is flowing

 

 

 

 


All I Want

well I just erased a long pity party that I a sure would have been appropriate to post

but in retrospect

I am doing okay. I am not particularly depressed at the moment

and I have shelter in my parents house at the moment. I have the desire to lose the weight that I blame all my social problems on. I know there are millions that are looking for work right now

like me. I have things under control

and everything is really okay enough

but there is a HUGE part of me that is screaming in tears because I want more.

 

Thanks for listening

Vic

 

I am lucky to be alive

able to survive

but life is so much more

than hat I have

I want to do more than cry

I want to laugh

I want to do more than complain

I want to sing

I want to do more than feel pain

I want to dance

I want to do more than sleep all day

I want to play

I want to see more people

I want to talk

I want to see more people

I want to listen

I want to do more by the end of the day

I want to have a say

 

to laugh

to sing

to dance

to play

 

to talk

to listen

to have something to say

 

that is all I want.

Back Again


Back Again

 

I have been here before

for my good mood wont last

I prepare for tomorrow carefully

tomorrow will go by so fast

 

I will try to clean the mess

I have made of my life

I one step at a time

I will take care of past strife

 

I will call an old friend

we will talk for some time

I will dance in the evening

till the morning chimes

 

tomorrow is a blessing

I know that is true

I have so many things

that I want to do

 

because I cannot be certain

when the dark moods will come

. . . the dark moods will come

 

I cannot waste energy

thinking about

the things I now have

I will soon have to do without

 

I must remain focused

I must remain clear

for the moment I am happy

I must not introduce fear

 

if after tomorrow

I am still feeling glad

oh the thing I can accomplish

that wont be so bad

 

thank you for listening

I do hope that you are glad

that a moment of sunshine

is now being had

 

if I could I would break

a piece off for you

I can't so I hope

a smile will do

 

:)


Breathe

 

I have read some posts

to painful to recall how many

and fear that my futile words

wont even be wroth a penny

 

I have been at the edge

more than a time or two

and know that reality is

a bit misconstrued

 

life it seems is an option

it seems so simple at the time

but this is not a simple task

hence the tears

the pain

and things are not fine

 

clichés don’t work I wont try

rhetoric about permanent solutions

and you know about the loved ones

and the emotional pollution

 

please take a minute

and just sit and breathe

I know it is hard

but do this much for me

 

breathe in breathe out

for a stranger wit a tear in his eye

breathing hurts I know

but please just try

 

don’t think about tomorrow

don’t think about yesterday

don’t think about the sorrow

don’t think about the pain

 

just think about the air

that is entering you right now

and think about the air

that is going out

 

that is right think of the mechanics

that is a human life

the miracle that is joy

the miracle that is strife

 

know that like the air

that you cant taste or see

there is a reason

for you to be

 

 

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

Copyright © 2004 Victor Venero

 

 


Do not Count on it

 

do not count the minutes

for darkness know no time

as quickly as it entered

it can leave your mind

 

do not count your tears

for the pain will surely stay

if obsession fills your heart

and all hope goes astray

 

do not count on others

for they may not understand

words can sometimes wound

in the guise of a helping hand

 

do not count on medicine

pills can only do so much good

sometimes they don’t work

quite the way they should

 

do not count on unanswered prayers

for the answer may be no

God’s wisdom with all his power

doesn’t always show

 

do not count on anything

to pull you from despair

except for the assurance

that the darkness will not always be there

 

 

I have been feeling down for a long time. I cant remember quite how long

but I know it has been a looooooong time since I really laughed

or enjoyed doing stuff. There have been times I have felt less down than others

but I know that brighter days are ahead

I just hope they are not too far off.

 

Vic.


Freak Show

come on come all pay the price

to see the freak on display

it is worth the cost of admission

on this special day

 

I waited with my bated breath

to see the abomination

I was ready to be so scared

I was really loosing my patience

 

I saw the curtain rise

only to find a crowd

screaming and covering their eyes

and saying "My God" really loud

 

I got up to complain

I wanted a refund

the curtain came back down

before I was done

 

I could not leave

I was in a cage

bars made of diagnosis’s

 

stigmas

and rage

 

Every day would come and go

I would be on display

soon I started putting on a show

it was like a play

 

I began to believe the carnival barker

when he called me names

and I would take every comment personal

I felt I was to blame

 

till one fateful afternoon

there were loving eyes in the crowd

people that cared for me

I did not know why or how

 

I knew that to these people

I was actually quite strong

I opened the door to my cage

it was unlocked all along

 

 

 

Stef

 

I feel like a freak because I dont work too. but talking to my family I realize I am really quite strong

just because of the fight I have fought for the years. I do hold the hope that some day someone will realize that I am a very capable person that has a few unique problems.

 

I do not profess to know your situation

but if you are indeed living in a glass box then I hope you see the sunshine now and again :-)

 

Vic


Gloomy Moments

 

it is hard to take off the grease paint

that shows the world a smile

but that is exactly what you have to do

every once in a while

 

let your hair down

it is okay to frown

that does not make you bad

it only means you are sad

 

in your moments of weakness

try not to forget

that every action has a reaction

try not to regret

 

I wish I could give you a huge hug

and show you that I care

all I can do is write my silly poem

and let you know I am here

 

vic


Goodbye

If this is the last time

that you will hear my voice

then I have to say goodbye

using words of my choice

 

I will try to choose the nicest words

that come into my mind

even though nice thoughts

are kinda hard to find

 

I am thinking that you may

not ever say hello again

and here I was just starting

to look forward to calling you friend

 

I know that you didnt know me

very well but that was about to change

then you dropped from my radar

I didnt hear from you again

 

now it seems you feel that

you are not worth that much

I have to disagree

I have to keep you in touch

 

you may not have hugs for a stranger

you may not even have caring thoughts for friends

but you have the heart you were bourn with

and now it is hurting you to no end

 

maybe it is time

for you to lie in the couch

and tell us what is going on

what life is all about

 

let me feel good for once

because I have helped someone

let us try to comfort you

let us help you find the sun

 

if you decide that this is

just goodbye for good

then may God bring you happiness

you deserve it

that is understood.

 

Vic


Grant Me Strength

 

I woke up this morning to a brand new day

I opened my mouth I had something to say

 

“good morning” was all I heard

“I’m just fine” I couldn’t believe my words

 

I knew there was a storm brewing inside me

clouds of despair so dark that I could barely see

 

I knew that it was just a matter of time

till my outlook on life would be worth less than a dime

 

I wanted to tell my very best friend

but I don’t have a friend to tell

I wanted to tell my family

that I was starting to feel like hell

 

I wanted to scream and dance and show

that I was not doing too good

I wanted to I know I did

I really think I should

 

silence filled my voice today

silence filled my day

maybe tomorrow the clouds will pass

and all this will be a mute point anyway

 

I can fell the way I feel

and wear a greasepaint smile

and if I find myself in the pit

it will only be for a while

 

soon the sun will shine again

I will be silent because I have nothing to say

soon I will be happy

soon I will play

 

I pray

 

Lord please give me strength to endure

the times I am going thru

Lord please let the time pass quickly

so I can do what I have to do

Lord please let me not be a burden

to those that love me so much

Lord let me not lose my sanity

Lord help me stay in touch

Please give me peace to sleep

once in every while

please Lord grant me the strength

to somehow try to smile

Lord if it is not too much trouble

please make my path straight

and guide me through my darkest hours

in Your name I pray.

 

vic


Hi my Name is Victor

Hi my name is Victor

I used to come here allot

I used to give advice sometimes

usually advice was what I got

 

I do look forward to reading

about all of the people here

sharing laughter when I am manic

when I am depressed I will share a tear

 

right now I am not doing so bad

well I have been much worse

it feels good to be back at WOM

and typing in my silly verse.

hopeless

hopeless

the history books will never

even mention my name

up until thins moment

I was sure I was destined for fame

 

I thought I was going to write

a book or maybe invent a doo dad

I was going to make millions of dollars

I was not going to become too bad

 

I know

that I have no skills

I have no real plans

so probably I never will

 

I will probably live my life

dependant on SSDI

and on those that love me

at least until they die

 

I am and will forever be

a burden to society

maybe it would be best

if I were laid to rest

 

vic


How Do I Feel

I cant seem to explain

I dont feel right now

I want to tell someone

but I dont know how

 

I dont feel happy

I dont feel sad

I dont feel good

I dont feel bad

I dont feel normal

I dont feel sick

I dont feel

I dont feel anything

 

I want to write

such beauty and prose

but I cant feel the words

thats the way it goes

 

this too will pass

like the winter cold

then I will feel

maybe I will just feel old

 

maybe I will feel

like I dont want to be

maybe I will feel

pain and suffering

 

at least I will be

able to say

how I feel

on that day.

Hunger to die

Hunger to die

 

I woke up in the morning

I was starved to be dead

I wanted so much to die

at least I did in my head

 

I am not suicidal

I have never really been

just form time to time

I want to do myself in

 

the urge it is quite real

even though I know I wont act

is it fair that I have

this monkey on my back?

 

I feel like I am starving

and I really really want food

but there is no food around

I go without it is just understood

 

every waking moment

I know the urge is there

but I try not to let it bother me

I try not to care

 

I dare not think of eating

of the dish that I desire

for if I do I will forever burn

for eternity in hells fire

 

I hope that I can sleep

I know that I soon will

thanks to the magic

of my Benadryl

 

I will dream of suicide

my tears will wake me once more

at the moment just before I wake

I wonder if I was dead before

 

my first waking breath I feel

the hunger in my soul

dreading yet another day

I must not lose control

 

I am a good kid

at the age of thirty-six

I will hunger in silence

I can get past this


 

I Can Leap Thru Fire

I can leap thru fire

and never feel the burn

till I have had time to think

then I stop and learn

 

I can deal with pressure

the more the better I deal

but it isnt till all is calm

that I start to feel

 

I know that I should crumble

when bad things happen to me

I dont I

I really want to

but I dont you see

 

I want to scream

I want to cry

I want to feel

like I want to die

 

I want to feel compassion

right there and then

I dont and that bugs me

to no end

 

and the feeling of living

as if I was on another world

I thought that just happened to me

the felling is terrible

 

the knowing that I will break down

is little consolation

I think the knowledge is bad

it just ads to my frustration

 

I can type all the words I want

and none will really do any good

because I know what you are asking for

Ian I would give it to you if I could

 

I would tell you the secret

that would make everything just fine

but when I am in limbo times

I just lose my mind

 

I make sure I do my house work

I make sure to keep my job

I try to look presentable

at least not look like a slob

 

I pass the time as you are doing

and you are doing great

I hope by the time you read this

my words will come too late

 

Vic.


I Dont Want To Sleep

I don’t want to sleep

I know that if I do

all my energy

will fall thru

I am so exhausted

my body aches in pain

I don’t want to sleep

I must be insane

I am not really tired

I have energy to spare

I can stay awake for days

but I don’t want to go there

I guess I will take

a couple Benadryl

let my body aches

be cured again by a pill

I don’t want to sleep

but night is wasting fast

I don’t want to sleep

but I am running outta gas

soon I will just be confused

I have been this way before

thinking I am razor sharp

but not making sense no more

I will forget to finish sentences

I will forget to start them at all

I will hear voices from beyond the fences

I start my fall

I have been so good for so long

I don’t want to mess that up

but I don’t want to sleep

I just don’t want to stop

I am on the verge

of feeling oh so great

mania is so seductive

like lines on a mirrored plate

I want to taste the euphoria

I want to just once more

but alas I will just go to bed

and be “healthy” just once more

I don’t want to sleep

that is in my head

but I don’t want to wake up

in a hospital bed

 


I Just Pray

 

I read the posts

from so many in pain

I want to care

but I refrain

 

for what if I say something wrong

something that is not nice

I cannot take it back

upon thinking twice

 

I have the best intentions

I want to help I really do

but there are so many here that know how to say

words that sing so true

 

there are people here that know what to say

and when to say nothing at all

so I just remember in my prayers

all that I can recall

 

 


I’m Back

 

it has been a long long while

since I last posted here

I stopped coming for a spell

the reasons are not all to clear

 

I think I was acting the part

of a disabled person way too much

I had to take some time

just to get in touch

 

I had to see that my problems

are not all about depression

some in fact many are due

to the recent recession

 

I also had to realize

that I am capable of living life

I can handle the glory

I can handle the strife

 

I am back now and I want to help

in any way I can

I am bipolar but I am much more

I am a living man

 

I do have my problems still

I will probably share them too

and then I will be looking for comfort

and answers or maybe a clue

 

for now I am just going to say

it feels good to be back here

I look forward to celebrating Thanks Giving

and Christmas

and the New Year

 

Vic


Imperfect

Ayame.

 

sometimes when I look in the mirror

imperfections are all I see

all my vision is drawn to

my huge abnormalities

 

is it a trick of light

or is it a sad reality

that I cant look into the mirror

and see the real me

 

I cant see my smile

I cant even see my tears

I focus on my scars

I focus on my fears

 

I am afraid that is just who I am

like it or not

mirrors will never be my friends

I must rely on thoughts

 

the times that I have helped someone

when they were feeling down

and the memories of when I myself

made a smile from a frown

 

the times I forgot who I was

on the dance floor at night

when I laughed with my friends

and such memories of delight

 

I am beautiful

so are you

I can say tat without any doubt

not because of as stupid mirror

We are beautiful! I can shout

 

because beauty is not determined

by the beast that lies within

but rather by the heartbeat

that lets our sun shine in

 

I have heard it said

more than once and it is true

that Love

true love

is found in the imperfections in you

 

vic

 

I am not certain that makes any sense

but I am trying to say that cameras and mirrors sometimes only show us 2 dimensional imperfections. In the real world I now people as imperfect as they come and I love them so why cant I seem to give them credit for being able to love me even though I dont look like a picture from a magazine?


 

Just Keep Breathing

Judy

 

the times that we must be

stronger than we ever thought we could

are the times that our resolve

is not always all that very good

 

when failure is not an option

at least not one that we like to talk about

is when want to cry

when we want to break down and shout

 

the pressure of doing right

sometimes makes us want to stop the fight

 

but rage sweet rage is instinct in your heart

it is not pretty it is not wise and it is not very smart

 

knowing deep inside that you are YOU

is all you really need to make it through

 

maybe you wont look the best in some people's eyes

maybe you will have to sit right down and do nothing

maybe you it will look to some like you did not even try

but in your heart of hearts you know you will win

-- just keep breathing.

 

Vic.

 

Judy

 

I do hope by the time you read this you are feeling better

but if not all I was trying to type was that even if you do nothing but breathing you have attained victory over the beast that was tormenting you when you first posted.

 

 


Life is Life

 

look at life not like a journey

but rather like a play

that lives a different scene

every single day

 

some scenes are happy

some are sad

some are written well

some are written bad

 

most are inconsequential

the really are just fillers at best

but then are those days that we remember

that make our life a test

 

the sunny day that for no reason

kinda sticks in my mind

the rainy day I was not happy

and I wasn’t very kind

 

the day I graduated

and the day I fell in love

are just a few scenes that

I am talking of

 

the play has more than one stage

and there are certainly more than one line

to the story and the plot

than I can sit and define

 

there are definitely more than three acts

life has its twists and turns

and defiantly it take several days

to get some lessons learned

 

so maybe this is not a play

because there are no curtain calls

maybe life is just life

after all


Life's Honey

I am an old grown man

living with my folks

tell me the punch line if you can

of my life that is a joke

 

I am not laughing

it is not funny

I don’t think it is

to live a life

without any honey

to merely exist

 

life’s honey is so sweet

at least so I am told

the taste makes life complete

the taste makes life bold

 

sweetness oh sweet sweetness

where are you today

I can’t even remember

how sweet sweetness tastes

 

I am worthless at least worth less

than I thought life had in store

I will sleep I will eat

then I will sleep some more

 

the sooner I get thru my skin

that mine is not the lot

to be very happy deep within

and what I have is what I got

 

the sooner I will realize

that I am what I am

mentally disabled

genetically damned

 

that day is some day far away

because I refuse to believe

everything that people say

that is bad about me

 

I am capable of feeling pain

I know I can cry

and if I can feel then I know

I can feel quite high

 

I know I can taste life

I know that I can

I can deal with strife

I am a capable man

 

right now I am feeling blue

but this some day will pass

someday I will be a man

with honey in his glass

 

Vic

 




Love's Sunrise

 

there is a darkness

it is the night

insecurity and fear

live in delight

 

there is no time

no way to tell

when the sun will shine

but believe me it will

 

the sun will rise

and when it does

the day will be brighter

just because

 

because there is light

because there is love

because there is warmth

because there is love

because there is life

because there is love

because there is comfort

because there is love

 

love may sometimes

seem so far away

but when it seems it is the farthest

love shines on a brand new day

Making the cut

Making the cut

 

winning sometimes feels like everything

sometimes losing does too

that is when life seems dark

and we are feeling blue

 

it is not whether you win or lose

that matters much in the end

it is the role that you play

the impact you make on your loved ones and friends

 

if you feel like you have been in the crowd

not even chosen for a team

or if you feel like you can’t wake up

from a really really bad dream

time will take care of that

I know what I am talking about

because not too long ago I was the one

that swallowed silent tears and shouts

 

I thought I was too weak to play

this game that most call life

I was going to end it all

with pills instead of a knife

 

I couldn’t see that I was just scared

I could not see too straight at all

because I was alone

I was alone or so I thought

 

A minute passed

maybe it was a day

maybe it was a week

I can’t really quite say

 

the point is that time passed

and somehow I feel different

maybe not to much better

but I feel passion

 

I am still a bit down

I would be lying if I said I was not

but somehow life -- the game

is within me trying to get out

 

 

Chameleon

 

all it takes to make the team is the courage to keep on breathing. and believe me it isnt always fun

and every "game isn't a happy victory

and I live in Cleveland so I know every season isnt meant to be our team's year to make it to the championship but there ARE victories. and as your lows can make you forget all the good moments there are good times that make you forget all the bad times.

 

 

Vic.


Never Quitting

 

It has been a long while

since I wrote a poem

that said anything special

that brought any point home

 

but I am not going to quit

trying to write you see

not as long as I can type

not as long as I can breath

 

I will keep typing

I will keep rhyming

even if my messages

need help in their timing

 

maybe the poems wont be

the best ever written

but when I look back

I know they will fit in

 

I know that each rhyme

that I could not make work

will tell me just how I felt

even if I felt like a jerk

 

the point is to not quit

to try and move on

till my passion for writing

once again sees the sun

 

vic




One More Time

 

I have a bit of energy

I have a bit of drive

I have a bit of courage

I am going to give it one more try

 

Once more I will try …

…to lose some weight

…to find a girlfriend

…to find a better job

…to wake up early

…to exercise

…not to look like a slob

 

I know I will fail

I have failed so many times before

but I will try because it makes me feel

like I am doing something more

 

I feel like I am more

one more time :)

 

 


Online Dating Ad

strange that as we are/

we would probably never meet/

unless I can find the words/

to make your heart skip a beat/

 

I have to first convince you/

that my words are true/

and that is simply not/

an easy thing to do/

 

I am sure you have the lines/

like “Have we met before?”/

and maybe you are convinced/

that most men are rotten to the core/

 

I am not most men/

you have never met me yet/

giving me the benefit of the doubt/

I doubt you will regret/

 

alas your heart I did not forget/

I was on a mission to alter its pace/

I regret that I cannot/

for a heart is personal space/

 

till I get a note from you/

my poetic hands are truly tied/

till I get a note from you/

I cannot even make you sigh/

 

prayers answered

I have almost forgotten

the times I prayed …

…for energy just to get out of bed

…for the thoughts to get out of my head

…that I could smile again

…that I could be a friend

 

all my prayers were answered

My meds are doing well

now it is up to me

to simply walk out of hell

 

one step at a time

time and time again

will lead me to a better place

and I will have forgotten

 

I pray…

… for something to do

… for a job I can keep

… to manage my time

… to get just eight hours sleep

 


Sleep Like There is a Bright Tomorrow

 

Every once in a while

I feel like I can win

an on the odd occasion

I finish what I begin

 

I am starting to feel that way right now

and I must admit

it feels really great

I feel like I am not going to quit

 

I think I am going to loose some weight

I think I am going to start walking strait

I feel like I can start dressing with style

I feel like I am going to start to smile

I know I have to take a chance

I know I hear the music and I have to dance

 

In all likelihood

this is just a passing phase

in all likelihood

morning will come my mood will change

but for a minute

for right now

I fell great

I think I am allowed

 

to sleep like there is a bright tomorrow

Vic


Special Poem

I love you more than a thousand roses

love the light of a summers day

when I see you my heart just mealts

in such a special way

 

when you speak I swear I hear angles

accompanying your gentle voice

when you are near I am so glad

I just want to rejoice

 

your smile is one that can brighten up

any gloomy room

when you are gone I swear I can still smell

the fragrance of your perfume

 

when you are gone oh what a joke

for you are always in my mind

I could see your pretty face

even if I were to go blind

 

but please don’t leave for too long

for I miss you when we part

you see you own most of me

including my heart

 

someday soon I know I will be able to say

these words to a real live gal in a special way

I will look into her loving eyes and maybe see a tear

because she loves me too that will be so clear

someday soon I have no doubt that I will be in love

I have so much to offer so many things I cant even think of

if there is a God and I know there is I will find a friend

I will have some special poems to write I will then

 

vic


Strong Enough

I know you may be strong enough

to wear a greasepaint smile

for everyone that loves you

that is your strength -- your style

 

but

if someone that you loved

had a thorn in their toe

wouldn't you pull it out

you would this I know

 

you my friend have a thorn

stuck inside your brain

it causes you an indescribable

not so obvious pain

 

talking offers some relief

but you have to find the souls

that can listen to you

and not lose control

 

I know that it is scary

to reveal weaknesses we have

the fear of disapproval

the fear that someone might laugh

 

but it is scarier

hiding this pain alone

so give credit to a loved one

the next time you are on the phone

 

Good luck

 

Vic

 


Thakyou for Choosing Life

 

I just want to say thank you

for not taking the darker road

for being here beside me

for carrying the load

 

I know I could not stop you

from ever doing yourself harm

any more that I could understand

why in death you found charm

 

I cannot place into so many words

the relief that I feel

knowing that you live today

knowing your life is real

 

so if I do not say the words

that make you know I care

forgive me for I almost lost you

and now I am really scared

 

I do care unconditionally

it should be said more often

that might ease your painful moments

at least make life less rotten


The Flower

 

most nights I sit doing my best impression

of a flower on the wall

I hope that when it comes to talking

my name will not be called

 

I am so comfortable in my chair

it is so cozy and soft

I am comfortable in my silence

listening to others talk

 

it is cool how the evening unfolds

before my very ears

how with support and encouragement

Living Miracles can stomp on fears

 

I stand here doing my best impression

of a flower that wants to grow

but before I blossom

my roots must take you know

The Friendship Journey Begins


The Friendship Journey Begins

 

getting to know a stranger

gets stranger day by day

I used to just go out to my sand box

and ask if you wanted to play

 

then there were the notes

the teacher never seen

how naive romance was

when I was just a teen

 

“can I buy you a drink”

I think I remember saying

never thinking about

the games that I was playing

 

now I have email

a cell phone and café’s

modern conveniences

to keep up with a modern pace

 

I wouldn’t change a thing

even if I could turn back time

my memories and experiences

are unique

they are mine

 

I sit here typing wondering

what exactly might be

as I take the first step

in a friendship journey

 

 

the little voice


The Little Voice

 

listen to the little voice

the one that brought you here

the one that has a little smile

the lost voice of your cheer

 

dont tell me that you dont have one

becaue I know that you do

it is just WAY way way deep inside

the real you

 

the person that you really are

not the beast that has you down

look hard for that voice

really look around

 

look under the cushions

in the living room

look near and far

look beneath the broom

 

lool like it is the car keys

that you have recently lost

because this voice is more important

it has a higher cost

 

the point is not to find the voice

the pont is just to look around

becaue keeping busy is the key

to lifting yourself off the ground

 

we both know that in time

the voice will ring loud and clear

till that moment comes

do not give in to fear

 

I hope by the time you read this

you will be felling better

and this rhyme will just be an exercise

an encouraging letter

 

vic.


The Rut

 

at times it seems like there will be no tomorrow

at times I wish there weren’t

it is times like these I feel so bad

yet know not exactly where I hurt

 

I want to scream but I did that once

it wasn’t the best two weeks

I spent them in a psych ward

feeling like a freak

 

I want to cry but my tears won’t fall

I hate that I really do

I mean maybe if I could just weep for a while

maybe my sadness would be thru

 

I want to sleep all day and all night

but I get hungry when I lie in bed to long

I want to sleep forever

but suicide is wrong

 

“I know that if I just keep breathing”

“this to will pass away”

“and I will be feeling better”

that is what I say

 

I say it every morning

I say it throughout the day

I say it before I go to sleep

I say it in different ways

I say it in the shower

I say it at my meals

I say it and say it and say it some more

in hopes that it will be real

 

but I have stopped believing

I don’t think that I should

but a decade and a half is long enough

for my words to become good

 

Vic

 

It is true that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over

while expecting different results. I am not sure what I am going to do different

but I do know I have to stop expecting to get better and start making it happen.

think of sleep


Think of Sleep

 

think of a springtime valley

a serene place that you know

where you can just relax and sit

and let your worries go

 

think of a powerful waterfall

that nature took centuries to build

picture the rush and spray of water

overcoming your will

 

think of the perfect sunny day

and all the things you can do

like ride your bike and play ball

and swim if you want too

 

think of a secret garden

your own private thinking spot

notice how beautiful

all the plants have got

 

think about the numbers

how one comes before two

and think about this relationship

if that is what helps you

 

think of a story that you knew

when you were just a child

if you can remember the words

that would be just wild

 

think about a movie

that you saw not to long ago

and how the maiden was saved

by the dashing hero

 

close your eyes if you can

if you can’t just let them be

know that prayers are said on your behalf

in hopes that you finally sleep

 


To Fight Again

There comes a time I have to say

God just put me together this way

 

my weakness

my strengths

my character

my faults

this is the hand I was dealt

no more can any pill solve

 

I am not to wait till I get better

I am not so bad off right now

I can engage in life’s battles

at least I do know how

 

sure I will be afraid

there is a good chance I will lose

especially with the frame of mind

that I currently choose

 

if I lose so be it

I will fight again

each defeat I will not regret

I will learn my friend

 

I will change my frame of mind

the best that I know how

to one that will make me the victor

that I am destine to be right now

 

I can feel the passion

pulsing thru my veins

I know I can learn

to fight again

 

Okay it is a bit messed up and at times it doesn’t even make sense

but all that is really necessary for a call to arms is that it motivates one to fight

and that is what I m desperately trying to do.


Today Something Snapped

today something snapped

I am not sure what it was

I was told by my trainer

that inner beauty and personality is important

 

I have the energy to do

whatever has to be done

I have the drive to finish

my work in progress

 

a work in progress

that is what I have become

all the while waiting for that day

that I am finally done

 

well I am done right now I tell you

I am here to say

I will work harder than ever before

I am done with play

 

I am not going to listen

when my head tells me that I cant

I am going to work hard at

becoming the best me I can be

 

physically

mentally

emotionally

totally

 

I know my mood will fall once more

it usually does

but I have today enough energy

to endure my cause

 

I may fail

I may succeed

but when I am done I will NOT

be able to say I didn’t try

 

with every fiber of my being

 

 


Up One Minute Down The Next

up one minute down the next

I know just how that feels

like life is a movie decades long

and someone has mixed up the reels

 

I look to my pills in a bottle

as if a genie could come out

it matters not how many I swallow

it matters not how loud I shout

 

I take solace in knowing

if I dont like where I am at

in minutes I will be somewhere else

that is a matter of fact

 

when I am better

when I can smile

I just have fun

like it is going outta style

 

someday the science may be there

to help everyone just like me

till then I will dare

to live life completely

 

I will endure the cold moods

I will embrace the hot

I will simply take moods as they come

I will live allot

 

Vic.

 

I know the phrase "Get well soon" is kinda trite here

but I do hope you are feeling better soon

and that it lasts for more than 3 days.

What do you do


What do you do?

 

What do you do? I was asked

by a stranger I never met before

the question kinda caught me off guard

I didn’t have an answer in store

 

I breathe I think therefore I am

I was going to say

I am defined not by my work

but rather by my play

 

so I told him

 

“I smile”

“I care”

“I laugh”

“I cry”

“I love”

“I hate”

“I live”

I sighed

“I give”

“I take”

“I clean”

“I make”

 

at the moment I am unemployed

and I have been for quite a while

that does not make me less of a person

that does not diminish my style

 

I am a valid person

not just some piece of trash

my life will not be valued

on if I make some cash