This site is dedicated to my father, Dean. I have no idea where to begin. This is the second hardest site I have ever had to do, first being the death of my first son, Jacob. So, please bare with me.

My father was a very strong willed man, and could be difficult at times, but deep down he was a dreamer & a lover. He loved women, didn't matter what their age was, they were all beautiful to him. Sad to say, but my father died alone. He had no wife nor a girlfriend. Just himself & his love for his family.

I remember when I was a little girl, my daddy was everything to me. He spoiled me rotten, being I was the only girl out of 4 children. My brothers hated me for this, but I never asked to be spoiled.

When I was 2 or 3, I remember my father taking me to a bar for my birthday. The owners gave me a smiley face candle and my father was having a ball showing off his little girl. Years later when I went back to that same bar, they remembered that day and told me how proud my father was of me then. And how I was daddy's little girl.

Needless to say, things started to fall to pieces a couple years later. My father loved beer, and even called it his bud. He started being mean & abusive, not only to my mother but to us kids as well. The boys getting most of the abuse. When I was 12, my parents divorced. My mother made the decision that my younger brother Lance & I would stay with her and the other two boys, Vance & Mark would go with my father. I didn't have a choice & my father always thought I did and that I picked my mother over him. I wanted to go with him, due to unspeakable acts that were being done to me by my mother's boyfriend, but I wasn't allowed to.

My father & brothers moved to California. Every once & awhile we would get a letter from them saying how they were doing. My life fell apart after my parents split up, I went into a foster home by my choice, because I didn't want to be home. When I was 16, my father came to visit with his new wife. We went out to dinner and had a good time talking. I didn't see my father again until 5 years later, when I was sent out there after the death of my son.

I stayed a month with my father, but was not happy. I wanted to be home with the love of my life as my father called him, Chuck. My father tried everything to make me happy, but I just wanted to be home, so he sent me back. After that, we wrote each other & then about 3 years later he started calling me every Sunday. We got to know each other all over again.

During this time, he had a quadrupal bypass surgery, which changed him. He became more loving & understanding. He had also found a great job that he absolutely loved, working in the United Methodist Church as the grounds keeper. He didn't believe in God, so this was quite the shock to us. I think by working there though, he started to believe if not just a little. He loved the people he worked for & I have heard they loved him just as much. They even gave him extra money to fly to NY to meet his grandchildren. He was only here 3 days, but to him it meant a lifetime. He loved spending time with the grandkids & his family. I heard he was planning on doing it again real soon.

The thing I will remember the most about my father will be his smile. He didn't do it often, but when he did, it made your heart melt. He taught me a lot in life, but the thing that mostly stuck in my mind all these years is the beauty around us, the earth. I love being in the woods and near water and my father did too. He respected nature as much as the indians did.

Will you remember me,
When God takes you to heavens immensity?
Will you hear me calling out your name,
When the hurt is to much to proclaim?
Will you see me crying at night,
When it's dark & lonely in the moonlight?
Will you feel me kiss you good-bye,
When no one is around & I am free to cry?
Will you remember me?

Last picture I have of my father. Taken at my house 3 years ago.

"Daddy Come Back To Me"

Daddy, I just can't believe you are gone,
The pain is so great that it is hard to hide.
Daddy, I feel as if my life can't go on,
I need you by my side.

How am I suppose to go on without you,
Daddy, come back to me!
I need you more then they do,
Why can't they see?

Daddy, the pain is real bad,
I never thought I would feel this way.
Daddy, my heart is broken & I am sad,
Please come back & stay.

Daddy, I need to tell you I love you one more time,
But I can't find you.
Daddy, you were in your prime,
What am I gonna do?
Daddy come back to me!!

"It Hurts So Bad"

It hurts so bad,
My heart is broken in two.
The pain keeps getting worse,
Dad, where are you?

It hurts so bad,
I feel like dying.
It won't go away,
Dad, can you see the tears I'm crying?

It hurts so bad,
The tears won't stop falling.
Visions of you playing over & over in my head,
Dad, can't you hear me calling?
Dad?