Neglect:
Neglect occurs when someone who should be taking care of you and
providing you with the basic things you need doesn’t. This is not where
a parent doesn’t buy you a car or a cd you want. This is when someone
doesn’t provide you with basic food, clean shelter and clothing. If
your parent is out spending all their money on alcohol, drugs,
gambling, whatever, and not taking care of you and/or your brothers and
sisters, then they are neglecting you. This can happen to only one
child out of a household, or it can happen to all the children in the
household.
Ritual Abuse:
Ritual Abuse is any of the above when committed as part of a religious,
cult or other ritual or ceremony.
Who
Commits Abuse?
Abuse can be committed by anyone and can happen anywhere! Your
abuser will likely be someone you trust and care a lot about, but not
always. Your abuser can be a parent, other family member, family
friend, neighbor, teacher, coach, Scout leader, counselor, religious
leader, youth group leader, employer/boss, best friend, acquaintance at
school, friend, or anyone who can control or trick you into doing or
allowing abusive things to be done to you.
What
Can I Do About It?
YOU NEED TO GET HELP! Please speak to someone you trust,
preferably an adult. Your teacher, counselor, doctor, religious leader,
youth group leader, coach or a friend’s parent. If you don’t have
someone like that in your life, then look at the Online Resources or
Telephone Hotlines on this page and make contact with them! Also, if
you don’t think that you can talk to someone you know and trust because
the words won’t come out of your mouth (and yes, this actually can
happen!), then write down what you want to say and make that trusted
adult read it! This actually lets you organize what you want to say and
takes away some of the difficulty in explaining what has happened!
I
Am Too Scared or Embarassed To Tell Anyone!
This may be the hardest thing you will ever have to do! Anyone
in your position would be scared and embarrassed too! You probably
are worried about what will happen when you tell. And you might
be embarrassed to admit that someone, maybe someone of the same sex,
has been messing with you. Fear and embarrassment are two of the
tools your abuser is using against you. They may have threatened
you, telling you what they would do if you told. Or, they may
have told you that you will be embarrassed when you tell someone what
another boy or girl, or a man or woman, did to you, and what you did to
them. These are tricks to keep you quiet and to keep their little
secret.
What will happen when you tell? Well, some people won't
believe you. Others may think it was your fault. You wouldn't want this
to happen to your brother or your sister or your best friend! Probably
the hardest thing to do is tell someone what has happened. But it has
to be done! Some people carry this pain and this shame all their lives
because they never told. And because they didn't tell, chances are very
likely that they were not the only kid or teen abused by this person.
You have every right to be scared, this is very normal!
And so is being embarrassed! You need to work past the fear and
embarassment and tell a trusted adult what happened so that the
abuser can be stopped, and so that your healing can begin.
I know you are worried about what your parents or other family
members will think, and likely you will be worried about other people,
like your friends, finding out. These things are also normal. Those who
really care about you will be upset that this happened to you! They and
others may ask you why you let this happen. The truth is you didn't.
You were victimized. You were made to feel comfortable and wanted, or
threatened, or tricked. Even if you think it was your fault, no one has
the right to do this to you! No one!!
The most important thing to remember is that you were made a
victim! Someone else took advantage of you. They stole your innocence
from you, they made you feel ashamed, or worried, or scared. They did
this to please themself not you!
If you have been or are being abused, you have to tell! It is
unpleasant and embarrassing, but you have to do it!
The important thing here is to trust yourself. If what you
have, or are, experiencing seems wrong, then you need to tell a trusted
adult! And if the first one you tell doesn't listen or do something to
help you, then tell another, and another, until you get help!
What
If My Abuser Is Someone I Love?
'But i don’t understand, this person says they really like
me or love me. They care more about me than anyone else. And besides,
what we do doesn’t hurt and feels good!'
Understand that there can be a difference between two kids or
teens of similar age exploring and experimenting with their sexuality,
their body and each other; and an older person who is “grooming” you
for abuse.
“Grooming” is when someone gets you used to the idea of having
sexual contact with them or another person. This can happen by someone
at first being really nice to you and paying attention to you, like
buying you stuff and taking you to fun places and getting you to like
them or to feel comfortable with them.. Then, at some point, the
subject of sex comes up. This can be by asking you about your sexuality
and/or sexual experiences; dropping little hints about sexual matters
or pointing out sexually suggestive things such as TV programs, music,
or photos. Then as that person gets you used to being with them, they
will likely increase physical contact with you. This can be by touching
you, scratching your back, giving you a massage, or having you do those
things to them. Over time, you get more comfortable with them and the
contact can become sexual in nature, meaning the contact is with one of
the places covered by your bathing suit. At that point, they may tell
you they are sorry, lonely, scared or lots of other things to win or
force your silence about what has happened or is happening. They can
tell you that it was your fault; that you started it and therefore,
there must be something wrong with you; that you must be gay or that
you must have wanted it; that they will have to tell your friends or
your parents; or a thousand other lies!
Stop
Being a Victim!
If you stop this person now, you may well keep from being a
victim or keep another kid or teen from being a victim! This does not
mean that everyone who does this is a potential abuser. But, it does
mean that you need to be aware that this can and does happen sometimes
for the wrong reasons!
Every battle you win is one that they lost! Every time you accomplish
something and get to feel good about yourself or have a good and happy
experience, you take one step away from your past and one giant step
closer to your future! You can own your life, you really can!!! But,
you have to step away from your past and those who abused you. You have
to truly understand that you were victimized and that the problem and
the blame was theirs and not yours!
I
Have Done Bad Things
'I am bad or weak or wicked because I let these things
happen and/or did them to other kids! Maybe I will get into trouble.'
It's not your fault! Someone stole your innocence, your trust,
your sense of self worth. If you did this to someone else, especially
as a kid or teen, that was not right, but it doesn’t mean that you are
bad, or evil or a monster! What it does mean is that you need help to
regain your trust and your sense of self worth.
You
Are Not Alone!
Most authorities believe that 1 out of every 4 girls and 1 out
of every 10 boys are abused before age 18. The most vulnerable years
seem to be between 7 and 13 years of age. (Prevent Child Abuse in
America: Child Sexual Abuse) In most cases, the abuser is known to
the victim. Our reading and direct knowledge includes the following
abusive situations:
