DOSAGE: take two tablets every six hours for joint pain.

SIDE EFFECTS: This drug may cause joint pain, nausea, head-ache, or shortness of breath. You may also experience muscle aches, rapid heartbeat, and ringing in the cars. If you feel faint, call your doctor. Do not consume alcohol while taking this pill; likewise, avoid red meat, shellfish, and vegetables. 
O.K. foods: flounder. Under no circumstances eat yak. Men can expect painful urination while sitting, especially if the penis is caught between the toilet seat and the bowl. Projectile vomiting is common in thirty per cent of users-sorry, fifty per cent. If you undergo disorienting nausea accompanied by migraine and raspy breathing, double the dosage. Leg cramps are to be expected; one knee-buckler per day is normal. Bowel movements may become frequent-in fact, every ten minutes. If bowel movements become greater than twelve per hour, consult your doctor, or any doctor, or just anyone who will speak to you. You may find yourself becoming lost or vague; this would be a good time to write a screenplay. Do not pilot a plane, unless you are among the ten per cent of users who experience "spontaneous test-pilot knowledge." If your hair begins to smell like burning tires, move away from any buildings or populated areas, and apply tincture of iodine to the head until you no longer hear what could be taken for a "countdown." May cause stigmata in Mexicans. If a fungus starts to grow between your eyebrows, call the Guinness Book of World Records. May induce a tendency to compulsively repeat the phrase "no can do." This drug may cause visions of the Virgin Mary to appear in treetops. If this happens, open a souvenir shop. There may be an overwhelming impulse to shout out during a Catholic Mass, "I'm gonna wop you wid da ugly stick!" You may feel a powerful sense of impending doom; this is because you are about to die. Men may experience impotence, but only during intercourse. Otherwise, a powerful erection will accompany your daily "walking-around time." Do not take this product if you are uneasy with lockjaw. Do not be near a ringing telephone that works at 900 MHz or you will be very dead, very fast. We are assuming you have had chicken pox. You also may experience a growing dissatisfaction with life along with a deep sense of melancholy-join the club! Do not be concerned if you arouse a few ticks from a Geiger counter. You might want to get a one-month trial subscription to Extreme Fighting. The hook shape of the pill will often cause it to become caught in the larynx. To remove, jam a finger down your throat while a friend holds your nose to prevent the pill from lodging in a nasal passage. Then throw yourself stomach first on the back portion of a chair. The expulsion of air should eject the pill out of the mouth, unless it goes into a sinus cavity, or the brain. WARNING: This drug may shorten your intestines by twenty-one feet. Has been known to cause birth defects in the user retroactively. Passing in front of TV may cause the screen to moiré. Women often feel a loss of libido, including a woo-octave lowering of the voice, an increase in ankle hair, and perhaps the lowering of a testicle. If this happens, women should write a detailed description of their last three sexual encounters and mail it to me, Bob, Trailer Six, Fancyland Trailer Park, Encino, CA. Or E-mail me at hot-guy.com. Discontinue use immediately if you feel that you feel that your teeth are receiving radio broadcasts. You may experience "lumpy back" syndrome, but we are actively seeking a cure. Bloated fingertips on the heart-side hand are common. When finished with the dosage, be sure to allow plenty of "quiet time" in order to retrain the eye to move off stationary objects. Flotation devices at sea will become pointless, as the user of this drug will develop a stone-like body density; therefore, if thrown overboard, contact your doctor. (This product may contain one or more of the following: bungee cord, plankton, rubber, crack cocaine, pork bladders, aromatic oils, gunpowder, corn husk, glue, bee pollen, dung, English muffin, poached eggs, ham, Hollandaise sauce, crushed saxophone reeds.) Sensations of levitation are illusory, as is the sensatino of having a "phantom" third arm. Users may experience certain inversions of language. Acceptable: "Hi, are how you?"  Unacceptable: "The rain in Sprain slays blainly on the phsssst." Twenty minutes after taking the pills, you will feel an insatiable craving to take another dose. AVOID THIS WITH ALL YOUR POWER. It is advisable to have a friend handcuff you to a large kitchen appliance, ESPECIALLY ONE THAT WILL NOT FIT THROUGH THE DOORWAY TO WHERE THE PILLS ARE. You should also be out of reach of any weapon-like utensil with which you could threaten friends or family, who should also be briefed to not give you the pills, no matter how much you sweet-talk them.

 "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
  --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science,1949

 "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.'
  --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

 "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with  the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that  won't last out the year."
 --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

 "But what ... is it good for?"
  --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968,
 commenting on the microchip.

 "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
  --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp.,
1977

 "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value.  Who would  pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
  --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment
 in the radio in the 1920s.

 "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than  a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
  --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's
 paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found 
 Federal Express Corp.)

 "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
 --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

 "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not  Gary Cooper."
  --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in 
   "Gone With The Wind."

 "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
  --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

 "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
 --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

 "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment.  The  literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
  --Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3M
 "Post-It" Notepads.

 "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even  built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or  we'll give it to you.  We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for  you.' And they said, 'No.'  So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they  said, 'Hey, we don't need you.  You haven't gotten through college yet."
 --Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and
 HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

 "You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all  of your muscles?  It can't be done.  It's just a fact of life.  You just have to accept  inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training."
  --Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing
 the Nautilus machine.

 "Drill for oil?  You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?  You're crazy."
  --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for
oil in 1859.

 "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
  --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

 "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
  --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de
Guerre.

 "Everything that can be invented has been invented."
  --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.

 "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
  --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse,1872

 "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion  of the wise and humane surgeon." 
 --Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to
 Queen Victoria 1873.

 "640K ought to be enough for anybody."
  --Bill Gates, 1981

1. I can please only one person per day.  Today is not your day.  Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
2. I don't have an attitude problem.  You have a perception problem.
3. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"
4. I love deadlines.  I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
5. Am I getting smart with you?  How would you know? 
6. I loathe people who keep dogs.  They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people       themselves.
7. I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
8. My Reality Check bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
11. I don't suffer from stress.  I'm a carrier.
12. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
13. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
14. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
15. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
16. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. 

Women Seeking Men
=================
I like driving around with my two cats, especially on the freeway.  I make them wear little hats so that I can use the carpool lane.  Way too much time on your hands too?  Call me.  SWF, 42, 5'10", brown/blue.

SWF, 27, obnoxious, silly, pierced, tattooed, insane, hormonally unbalanced, Rollerblading, sushi-eating, cartoon-watching redhead from Hell, seeks Vlad. My neck is all yours.  BITE ME.

Don't call me if you are uneducated; unemployed; unhealthy smoker; felon; under 30 years old, 5'10"; over 40 years old, 6'8", 230 pounds; like cats, channel surfing; make less than $30,000 annually; or have body parts pierced.  Others feel free.

Men Seeking Women
=================
Fat, flatulent, over-40, cigar-smoking redneck seeks sexy woman with big hair to cook, lean and pick up unemployment checks.

Desperate lonely loser, SWM, 32, miserable, apathetic, tired of watching TV and my roommate's hair fall out.  Seeks depressed, unattractive SWF, 25-32, no sense of humor, for long talks about the macabre.

Handsome DWM, 40, seeks loving, romantic S/DWF with round, bulging bubble butt and pretty face with monogamous intentions, 28-40.

Thick glasses, HP calculator, SAT 99th percentile, knows pi to 16 digits.  Great job, big house, pool.  SWM, 33, 6'0", 144 lbs.  Better looking than Bill Gates.

So you want to date "MY" daughter? 
Thanks to Cybersmiles

When I was in high school, I used to be scared to death of my girlfriend's fathers, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands all over his daughter.  They would open the door and immediately give me a murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds. 

Now, years later, it's my turn to be the dad.  Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. 

MY MOTTO:  Wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night. 

As we make casual conversation while waiting for my daughter to finish getting ready I say, "So, I see you have your nose pierced.  Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?" 

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room. 

RULE ONE:  If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package or bring me a pizza, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up. 

RULE TWO:  You do not touch my daughter in front of me.  You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. 

RULE THREE:  I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.  Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. 

Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.  However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist. 

RULE FOUR:  I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. 

Let me elaborate: When it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you. 

RULE FIVE:  In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.  Please do not do this. 

The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." 

RULE SIX:  I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.  This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.  Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.  If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry. 

RULE SEVEN:  As you stand in my front hallway waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.  If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.  My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.  Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? 

RULE EIGHT:  The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:  Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.  Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.  Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.  Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to
her adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay.  Hockey games are okay. 

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory.  So, I do expect you to be through by the time she appears.

One time, my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, getting out of the car and going up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times).  She asked me why I was being so hard on the boy.  "Don't you remember being that age?"  she dared ask me. 

"Of course I remember," I said,  "Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules? 

1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
7. I doubt, therefore I might be.
8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. A fool and his money are soon partying.
14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.  What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money.  The cardinality of set "M" is 100.  Each element is worth one dollar.  Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M".  The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M."  Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and  answer the following question:  What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20.  Your assignment:  Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.  What do you think of this way of making a living?  Topic for class participation after answering the question:  How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?  There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996:
By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100.  How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80?  Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 1997:
A company outsources all of its loggers.  The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back.  The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance.  The contracted logger charges $50 an hour.  Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 1998:
A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback.  Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?

Teaching Math in 1999:
A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people is being trained as a UNIX programmer in order to work on Y2K projects.  What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/2000?