Ask Peevey!
Ask Peevey!
Dear Peevey,
1. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
Signed,
2. What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
3. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to
be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
4. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
5. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
6. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
7. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
8. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
9. If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then
what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?
10. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool
came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Just Wondering
1. The color they USED to have. It's kind of a space/time thing. The truth is, time is an illusion. There is always only now. When you remember the past, you are remembering in the present. When you imagine the future, you are imagining in the present. This is elementary physics. Lt. Cdr. Montgomery Scott said it best: "The best diplomat that I know is a fully-loaded phaser bank."
2. Opposable thumbs.
3. If it's 20 degrees outside today, and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? 40? Or does that mean, "twice as warm?" Is the glass half full, or... Partly sunny, or... But, like I said, time is an illusion, therefore there is no tomorrow anyway. But, if you would like to consider, for a "moment," that time DOES exist, then consider the "butt naked factor," which is similar to the "wind chill factor." If it's zero degrees outside today and you go outside "butt naked," how cold does it really FEEL?
4. Oh, I get it! Ha Ha Ha
5. The first letter, "a," means opposite, as in "amoral."
6. The color orange is an illusion created by light rays reflecting from the surface of an object. If all of the light rays are reflected, the color is white. If none of them are reflected, the color is black. That's why having black fur under the sun makes you feel really hot. Anyway, if the blue light rays are absorbed and the yellow and red are reflected, they combine to create what we call "orange." If the carrot is more orange, it is because it is absorbing more blue light rays. Because I know all that stuff, some people call me "Pet Peeve, the Science Gal."
7. Glue needs oxygen to "oxydize," a chemical reaction that causes solidification. Here's a tip, if you want glue to dry really fast, run a fan over it. Just don't use one of those fans they use in the movies to make high winds because, hey, GLUE ALL OVER THE HOUSE!
8. What was that stuff again about the light rays?
9. Tin. Everything is made out of tin. Tin cans. Tin lizzys. Your silverware. My dog dish. It's all tin. Oh, yeah. And glue. A fog horn is made out of orange glue that's twice as cold, and it's used by Roman paramedics when inserting 4's who live in apartments and they are all bald with blond hair and they all have sliced bread and they throw up hamburgers at their weddings.
10. Ahead of cabbage. BARK BARK
Peevey, a.k.a. Petpeeve
(Hey, no problem!)
Dear Peevey,
Why are cats so resistant to being herded?
My younger "sibling" is a 3 year old black cat. He is always causing mayhem and getting into mischief. I try to keep him away from the kitchen cabinets, but he insists on opening them anyway.
I have found that by licking him on the top of his head, he will run away and spend hours cleaning himself. This is only a temporary respite, however, since once he's done he's back to his same tom foolery.
I'm at my wits end. Please help!
Signed,
Sophie
Dear Sophie,
Cats are resistant to being herded because early on in the evolutionary chain, those cats who refused to be herded by dogs survived to sexual maturity to pass on their genes. That is not to say that they absolutely cannot be herded. Many dogs have successfully herded cats up the nearest roof. It takes fierceness, Sophie, and a determination to direct and control anything in your environnment that moves.
You have several options here. (It's like Windows).
1. Kudos on licking him on the top of his head. At least you are trying something! But, as you say, that is only a temporary respite. Perhaps you should take a quiet moment, just for Sophie, and reflect on your puppyhood. Examine those inner needs, desires, feelings. Who hurt you, Sohpie? Who stifled your growth? Were you never allowed to get into the kitchen cabinets yourself, Sophie? Were you never allowed to explore your world? Face it, Sohpie, though reliving these traumas can be just as painful as the original experience, you must get through these to the source of the pain before you can get on with life! Sophie, stop the madness!
2. You have needs, too, Sophie. Perhaps, as you say, you need to end forever this mayhem and madness. The next time he goes for the cabinet door, sneak up, pounce, growl, slam, sink your canines in! Remember, the only good cat is a cat on a hot tin woof!
3. Let the cat get into the kitchen cabinets. (That would be my choice. There could be a very enterprising reason why the cat wants in the cabinet. Be an opportunist!).
Peevey, a.k.a. Petpeeve
(Hey, no problem!)
Dear Peevey,
Why is "abbreviation" such a big word?
Signed,
Just Sitting Around and Curious
Dear Just,
Why not? After all, it's not an onomatopoeia!
Peevey, a.k.a. Petpeeve
(Hey, no problem!)
Dear Peevey,
On the way to work today, I got a flat tire. When I finally got to work, I was fired. I'm late on my mortgage and will probably lose my house. I went to a bar and got drunk, then got arrested and thrown in jail for driving while intoxicated. I got bailed out but now I owe the bail bond. Now I have a migraine and am nauseous.
I'm so depressed, I don't know what to do. Can you offer any suggestions to help me get over my blues?
Signed,
Deeply Despondent
Dear Deeply,
Quick! Find a tennis ball! Drop it at someone's feet. Run like hell. Watch it fly through the air. (It's a beautiful thing). Catch it in your mouth. Then race back and drop it at the someone's feet again. Repeat.
Peevey, a.k.a. Petpeeve
(Hey, no problem!)