Bob and i met on the internet while I was living in Colorado. We had fallen in love with each other over the internet and had met once before moving here!! I know he hated the thought of me leaving friends and family behind. I had told him that was not a problem for me and that my place was with him!!! I loved him so very much, he was like my missing link. We had often told each other that we loved the other so much that it was scary!!! We had been talking about moving to Colorado, he had always wanted to live near the mountains!

Bob was an alcoholic. He had been in the hospital at least twice before we met, once for a bleeding ulcer, the other for his liver. I can remember him saying that he was afraid that if he was to stop drinking now that it would kill him!!!

He knew the risks of drinking and had taken his last drink on Monday at 8 PM. On Monday night the 8th of June about midnight Bob started vomiting Blood!! This scared the hell out of me, he tried to hide it from me, and tried to reassure me he was fine and he felt all right. I could not get him to go to the doctor or hospital at that time. He said " WE can not afford it (for we did not have any insurance)" ! Then about 4 a.m. his bowel movements turned a real deep red (which was a sign of internal bleeding). Finally he agreed to let me take him to the emergency room at 4:30 a.m. on the 9th of June. I had to help him get dressed as he was getting weaker.. They took x-rays and a bunch of test. While waiting for the results he started vomiting Blood, LOTS of BLOOD!!!!!!!! I was so scared I did not know what to do. He asked me to call the office at 7 and tell them he would not be in. He had worked for his dad for over 18 years, and was not happy there. At this time, Bob still felt that he could be treated and would be able to go home in a few days!

Around 9 a.m. they finally moved him to ICU! While there he was still vomiting blood, when this gentleman walked by. Awhile later the gentleman came back, and we found out that he was a Chaplain there, he asked Bob if he wanted him to say a prayer over him and Bob said," YES"!! I knew then he was afraid he was going to die, I could see it on his face, he never said anything, he did not have to! We never had a chance to talk about this, because the nurse had given Bob a coagulant to try and stop the bleeding, (I found out he was bleeding profusely from a hole in his esophagus!) by 10 a.m. Bob went into convulsions, I called the nurse into his room as soon as he started, I was chased from his room so that they could start working on him. It was at this time that I proceeded to call his family and office letting them know that Bob was in the hospital and it did not look good!! His mother called me on the phone in ICU from southern Texas asking for all the details and said she would be there as soon as she could, it was a 5 hour drive for her, SHE MADE IT IN 3.

By 10:30 AM Bob had lapsed into a COMA!! I kept hoping and praying that God would somehow find a way to make him better and to bring him back to me!!! Every time I would go back into his room after they worked on him, he would have more tubes going in him. It got to where each time they tried to start a new IV that his veins would collapse and he would bleed from each attempt (they even went down to his legs to put IV's and tubes!!!) he had BLOOD coming out from each attempt, and from his mouth and nose the blood seemed to be gushing out. They had tubes in his nose and through his mouth into his stomach trying to pump all the blood back out of his body from where it did not belong!!! GOD, how it hurt to see him like this, and knowing that I could do nothing to help him... I hated this feeling of helplessness!!!!!!

Bob's family and gals from the office and their minister and some other people showed up. I felt totally like an outsider, and was treated very coldly by them!!! Grant it that they did not know me from Adam, but I did not deserve that kind of treatment. It was my Husband, my Friend, my Lover and my LIFE in there dying, and it was killing me to see him that way. Yet, no one tried to comfort me, but I understood!!!

I had met Bob's mother and brother only once before. So they were all like strangers. In the hall after Bob's mother finally got there she was crying and gave me a hug and told me how thankful she was that I had come into her sons life. She said that she knew he loved me very much, for when they would talk on the phone that was he would tell her how happy he was!!! She said, "I believe that if you had not come into Bob's life he would not have lived this long!!!! I told her that I Loved Bob with all my heart and soul, she said she knew that!! She was afraid that Bob did not know she was there, I tried to comfort her and told her I believe he knew!!!! I do not remember what time it was when everyone left. So once again I was alone with my fears and heartache and no one to talk to!!! I called Lois and Bill (a couple of our friends) they came up for awhile, but could not stay long. They could not believe this was happening. Lois kept saying that this can not be happening, not to BOB!!!! I did not want Lois to see Bob like this. I told her that he would want her to remember him as he was the last time she seen him playing darts, laughing and having a good time..

About 11 p.m. Brenda (Bob's ex-wife) started work (she was a Nurse in ICU), she broke down when she saw Bob's name on the board and me by his bedside, she got someone to cover her shift and stayed with me all night and even called Bob's best friend Jack (as I did not have his number), he stayed until about 4. Brenda could not believe that this was happening to Bob, for she had seen and spoke to him a few days earlier. It was a comfort to have her there, as we had became friends earlier. It was nice that Jack was there for awhile, I know he had to get up and go to work, so was surprised that he stayed so long.

They had to resuscitate Bob 10 times that I know of during the night!!! About 5 the next morning the nurse said she was calling Bob's doctors. I do not remember much after the nurses had told me that Bob was BRAIN DEAD!!!! I called his family and his best friend Jack. At sometime I called my family in Colorado to let them know i would not be flying back for my favorite Aunts funeral ( I was to have left for Colorado the day Bob died for a funeral that Saturday), my cousin (it was his mothers funeral I was going to), and a couple of friends. I do not really remember much about calling them or what was said. I was sort of walking around in a daze.

Finally around 6 A.M. the doctors showed up. They told me that there was nothing more that they could do for Bob, they said he had a massive heart attack and that he was Brain Dead, his brain had hemorrhaged, his liver and kidneys had stopped functioning and that they could not stop or slow down the bleeding! GOD how I hated hearing that, it hurt like hell. They were telling me that BOB would NEVER be coming back to me!!!!!

They had given Bob over 35 pints of blood, and additional blood subsitutes. They had tried everything to stop or slow the bleeding, but nothing worked!!! GOD how I hurt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They asked me if his heart was to stop again did I want him resuscitated and did I want him kept on life support!! GOD how it hurt , but I told them; NO!! I told them to just let him go, for he would not want to live this way!!! GOD how it hurt to tell them that!!!!!! (For me it felt like I killed him.) I had also told his family the same thing and they finally agreed to let him go if it came to that!

We were waiting for the doctors to fill out papers to stop all treatments and take him off life support!! They had this small room in ICU for the family. I went and sat there for a few minutes when something told me to go to Bob's room. I went and stood beside the bed holding his hand, crying and telling him how much I Loved Him, I told him that it was all right to go, but I would miss him and for him to never forget me or my love for him!!!! A few minutes later his friend Jack came in and went to the other side of the bed and held Bob's other hand. We both looked up at the monitor when it went to "ZERO" and then went back up, it did that twice, when nurse saw it she called in his family. The monitor once again went to "ZERO" ,only this time it stayed here!!!! GOD how that hurt!!!! I wanted to crawl up beside him and die with him!!!! Bob was dead at 10:08 a.m. on June 10, 1998!!!

The hardest part was going home and knowing that Bob would NEVER be coming home again!!! Later that day Jack told me that while he was sitting in that room that something told him to go into Bob's room. He said that he felt it was Bob's way of getting both of us together at the same time to tell us that it was time for him to go. Jack said he felt Bob was asking him to look out for me and he promised Bob that he would do that!!

Then about 2 months later I called Bob's mother, she was afraid that I was mad at her. I explained to her why I had not returned any of her calls and told her that I do not blame her for anything!!! I could not blame her for what Bob's dad was doing to me!!!! Then we both started crying!!! I had told both of them (Bob's mother and brother)that I felt Bob would have wanted us to keep in touch and at least become friends. I had not seen or heard from either one of them since we buried Bob!!! I really think this is what Bob would have wanted, for he LOVED his mother and brother and thought the world of them!!! I have not seen or heard from either of them since August!

I know I have a long way to go, but think I am at least on the right track!!! I can not blame all for what one does!!! I have to learn to forgive or become a very bitter person, and i know that is not me!!! That does not make the pain, and emptiness any less bearable!!!! I know sooner or later the pain will lesson, and that no one knows how long it will take.

Bob and I may not have had a long time together, but we lived life to the fullest and loved each other as we had never loved another!!! I know deep in my heart that I had made him happier than he had ever been as he had made me!!!! He would always tell me I was perfect!! I said I was not perfect and he would argue that point and say that TO HIM I was perfect because I accepted him as he was 100%. I had told him that was what being totally in love with someone means to me!!! He would always tell me how much he loved me and for me to never forget that, and that he was very happy and it was because of me and my love for him!!

Bob was my whole world, my life!!! Now it is so empty and meaningless!!!!! But I must go on, for he would want me to!!!! Then on September 23, 1998 our loving pet Hootch died. Hootch was more than a pet , he was part of the family!! Hootch had been with me for over 5 years. But now they are together!!!

You see, I am totally alone. No one has tried to comfort me in my time of grief. Even though I may be living with my cousin, I do not see or talk to him, so I am still alone. No one calls, writes or anything. I have made attempts to keep in contact with his mother and brother. But it appears that is not what they want.
Yes, they lost a Son and a Brother. But none of them knew the MAN that Bob had became and none have even attempted to talk to me to learn about him or how happy he was. All I get is broken promises from all the people, family and friends. I guess Bob did not know any of them as well as he thought he did. I am glad that he is not here to see the truth!!!!!

I found out later that Bob was living on borrowed time, so to speak. He had been born with kidney and liver problems and was not expected to live much past his 30's. Bob knew he was going to die, he just did not know it would be this soon!!! He thought we had time to build a life together!! We were in the process of starting a buisness together. This would enable him to tell his dad where to get off. It would also have made it possible for us to move to Colorado. So when Bob died all our dreams, hopes and plans died with him.

But I must go on!!! Bob would have wanted me to do that. I know he will always be with me!!!!!! I know in my heart and soul that he loved me and that he was happier than he had ever been. So I know when he died, he was happy and had found complete and total love!!!! For I LOVED THAT MAN more than life itself, and would have traded places with him if it were possible!!!!

Bobbie
(Still MISSING & LOVING Bob June 10, 1998 and now I add Hootch
September 23, 1998)