Welcome!

To Brain's......Brain

Close to a similar page once owned and occupied by someone I know, this is the page where I voice my concerns, thoughts, and stuff that bugs me. This is my way of venting. I would have to assume most people think me pretty nice, docile, etc. Well...I only am in civilized society. This is my REAL thoughts, funny, shockingly vivid, and sometimes offensive to the person or persons they are directed to. I won't change anything I say here, however...if you don't like what I say....well...then maybe I'm not the one you should be blaming for your faults, huh?
~Bri

Oh, and, this page will see no more updating. I've moved on to the next stage. Thoughts 100-200. But read these...many are very insightful.

1. In the words of the great Scott Adams, "The President should give an excutive order to all the people to march into the sea. Then the people who are smart enough to ignore him can divide up their stuff. You'd be suprsied what nice things dumb people own."

2. "It it silliness to live, when to live is torment. And then we have a prescription to die, when Death is our physician." -Shakespeare, "Othello".

3. Relating to #2, death is a funny thing. Not many people can say they've had a near-death expierience. Well...they're missing out. Remembering what it was like to feel my body shutting down, I'd have to say I felt absoutley no emotion. I was floating in a sea of indifference. I could on for pages and pages about it. But in the intrest of space, I'd have to say that in what only seemed like a brief moment, I felt I had achieved Transcendence. Englightenment, if you will.

4. You know what's the ONE thing that pisses me off most in this world? Not people who are dumb trying to be smart...because they are only trying to live up to the expectations of life, and for that I congratulate them. It's the smart people trying to be dumb. Such a waste of intellectual ability astounds me. If you are gifted, GIFTED, with a capable and competent mind, why would you waste that oppourtunity?

5. Almost every day I hear a comment from at least one person, if not more, about Catherine. Personally, I became numb to insults of any kind a VERY long time ago...but when someone has the audacity to say things about people they don't even know, based on what they look like...saddens me to the greatest degree. I mean...what right does ANYONE have to judge people by simply their outside? Perhaps some of the best couples, be it friends, lovers, or married people, in the world did not judge their significant other by the outside. "Let people be judged not by the colour of their skin(or some other physical "difference"), but by the content of their character." -Martin Luther King Jr.
I find it very sad so very many people in this world cannot see past the shroud. Espeically the ones who know better.

6. As a select few people know, my life on the inside of fraught with depression and sadness. As selfish as it is, considering I have a very privlidged life, to answer the age-old question "money and unhappiness, or poverty and inner peace", I would take the inner peace in a heartbeat. Money=corruption. I can't accept such evil, and say it makes me happy. I would give it all away to someone who really needed it. I wish I had never seen this life, and to know nothing else, as I like to say to myself. For if you know nothing else, but "know thyself", then nothing else matters, not even life.

7. "We are the children of a dead planet." Something else which bothers to no end is the waste in the world. Mostly initiated by the smartest people. Can't they see that this world will die? We have already gone past the point of no return. I read a book once, Rainbow Six by Tom Clancy. In it, an international Anti-Terrorism Team was put together by the governments of the world to curb the rising tide. They ended up stopping a corporation trying to cleanse the world by killing everyone in it. Although these people were the bad guys, and were stopped, they still instilled a chilling message, and I have to believe that these people weren't in the wrong. They would plan to unleash a virus onto the world, which would lead to the worldwide extinction of the human race, with only they, a mere few hundred people, to survive with the vaccine to it inside of them, and live on, while Gaia righted inself. These people were RIGHT. Perhaps maybe to a extreme...but they saw that this world cannot survive what we are doing to it. Maybe another hundred years, max, before this world dies. It's sad...that nothing short of a worldwide plague, like in the book, would curb this Planetdeath.

8. I always wondered if there was a word for the way I interact with other people. Well, one day in BOA, i actually saw it, and knew instantly what I am. A martyr. It's odd....if something bugs me, or someone is doing something I don't like...I let them do it, but boy, do I make them feel bad about it. I don't even think about it, it's subconscious. Now that I know what it is...I still don't think about it when I do it, but I think about it afterwards...nice to learn something about yourself every once in a while.

9. A lot of people have called me the laziest person they've ever met. I agree. Unfortunately, since I was given the oppourtunity to be lazy, i took it, and now I can't break that cycle. However, if I was never offered this oppourtunity, then i may be a hard-worker, proactive, etc. Like, in elementry school, i worked SO hard. I got A's in everything...i took enriched classes. But then I met a few people, who showed me the benfits of a life of sloth. I have yet to leave it. Maybe I never will.

10. Although I have had a relationship, and have been...well....around the bases, so to speak, I find that instead of being addicted to sex...I find myself repulsed by it. I know that's a very odd predicament...But I find myself...well...not caring...about girls, like, at all. Before, I chased my share of skirts at school...got shot down...like...I think it was 9 times before cat. Maybe that was part of it. Then after cat...I felt...different, is the simplest way to put it. I felt...less like a kid...more like an adult...in the span of a year, I grew up 10. It's sad, really...I mean, I know i'll never get married...I couldn't do that to someone. I doubt very much i'll have even...like....3 more relationships in my entire lifetime. I just...don't see people the same way anymore.

11. Something that has ALWAYS pissed me off...is when people soup up old cars, like civics, and 80's clunker's, and shit. YOU COULD BUY A HALF-DECENT CAR WITH THE MONEY IT TAKES TO SOUP UP THAT PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!

12. The 2002 Viper is fuckin gorgeous. I wouldn't hesitate to touch it's bum. I have a poster of it in my room, it's magical. I always wanted a viper...if i grow up, and I have enough money to, i'll buy the current year viper...that car is beautiful is so many ways. I WOULD TOUCH IT'S BUM!!

13. I would like to point out, quickly, that i've heard some comments about my last few thoughts there. Yea, I know they're stupid...TRUST ME, I KNOW!! But I won't delete them..just cus...I don't feel like it. Anyways, yea goods, I watched blair witch 2 today..it was alright...i get scared of spernatural stuff easily, i hear all sorts of noises and shit, i'm pretty damn paranoid. So yea, I guess it was alright...but if your not me, I would adivse against seeing it...the storyline was pretty DAMN horrible.

14. I know what I gotta do, to add to the site. It's been a while since I did anything, but I realized I gotta put up the hotties section, and the pics section. If only I could get my pics scanned, and I wouldn't have chicks on the hotties list finding out about the hotties site....yea, that was pretty embarrasing.

15. Another thing that bothers me is people's innate fear of death. Maybe I have a biased opinion since i've been a pessimist all my life, had a near-death expierience, etc, etc...but I have to say...sometimes the masses can be idiots. Why would you fear death? It's not like your going to regret it for the rest of your life, BECAUSE YOU'LL BE DEAD!! How can you be afraid of something that frees you from this world? So what about all those people that die unjustly, you say? How can you tyrannize someone who cannot feel pain any longer?

16. It saddens me to no degree to see beautiful people succumb to their surroundings. Although I hate recieving it, and I really wish not to, I can't help feeling an extreme amount of pity for the people that have no choice but to endure the evil put upon them, or else take more drastic measures to escape their situations. May they find peace.

17. "One friend in a lifetime is a gift, two is much, and three is nearly impossible" -I don't know who said that, but it IS a quote from some famous guy. I would have to say I'm blessed with "much" friends. Those two, who have had incalculabe influence in my life, are Karie and Ryan. Sadly, they are enemies. Well, I guess you can't have everything. However, these two people have given me life, so to speak, because without them, I would surely be dead. Karie hath given me something in which I may never feel in any other person ever again. Quoted from 'Loser' By three doors down, "A love that flows through me like this". Karie, my love for you flows through ME like that...such a profound force, that it governs almost all my thoughts and actions, and will surely do so for a very long time. Ryan, your friendship has meant all the world to me. Although we HAVE had our differences(hint hint nudge nudge), I still think that nothing has changed. Without that talk on your front porch, I would be lying in a grave right now. Definetly.

18. It would seem that, no matter what I do, what I say, what I sacrifice, I always end up, in some way being wrong in the end. Why is that? Is it the way of the world, or is everyone out to get me? Either or, they are both probably right. Boy, that sucks an awful lot.

19. God damn, spending the day at blakelock was one of the funnest experiences i've ever had. They ARE right, I should have gone to blacklock, and if I still could, I most definetly would. However, I didn't simplye because I have other friends at loyola that, at the time, I couldn't leave behind. NOW I wish I went to pilgrim wood, and I was a year older...and a whole bunch of stuff...but wishing don't change nothing.

20. Sometimes, even when things could be their very best, I can always find something to damper the mood. ALWAYS. Take today, for instance. Today was a very good day for me...a lot of stuff happened that I wanted to happen....BUT....for some reason I'm not feeling any happier then normal...in fact, I actually feel a bit WORSE then usual. Is it that I can never see the bright side of things, and always the dark, that i'm such a negative person? FUCK...I wish i didn't feel like this...but...I wish for a lot of things, and even when I get them...things always turn out worse.

21. I believe Blink 182 said it best in Adam's Song: "16 just held such better days." They couldn't be more right. I miss those days, that beautiful summer when the DW and LP crews were together as one...they was no pain, no hate. Just pure fun, joking around, and friendships we all thought would last forever. God, I miss those days. Really, that's the only time in my life I've ever been really, truly, happy.

22. It seems that, a lot of people around my age these days, (well, the smart ones anyways) seem to care about school an awful lot. I mean, the people who don't concentrate on other stuff, whether it be recreation(ie- sports, drugs, or sex..which I only have objection to sports...unless your gonna be an athlete, they're a waste of time...for me, anyway. Drugs and sex are fine with me), or some other such activity, they care about school. I mean, hell, everyone tells me I'm smart, so they must be at least PARTLY true, right? Well...I don't. I mean, jesus, I couldn't give two shits what happens in school, to the dismay of my parents. But still...I don't really care if I fail in life...I don't really plan to live that long ANYways, so what do I care if I die in the gutter, or die successful? Makes no difference to me. Another waste to society I am, if you ask me.

23. Just last night, I finished a book called 'Eater'. It's about, basically...this black hole with a buncha magetic fields that surround it, and these magnetic fields hold, like...information. So this hole is sentinent, and...well, i'll call it an 'it'. It comes to earth's orbit, and like, starts talkng to the people. Basically, these astromers dudes are the main characters, and they are the ones talking to it. It's a creepy book...eventually the black hole demands all these like famours people to be given to it, like...to download their brains into numbers and shit, cus it's been doing that for...i think it was 7 billion years(longer then the solar system has exsisted). It was pretty cool...the ending was magical, to say the least. Although this was basically a filler book, the real books i want are on hold at the library. Two Tom Clancy books(debt of honor, and op-center->state of siege), and i also wanna read 'war and peace' by leo tolesty. Should be goods.

24. I just finished that thought up there, and just had an epiphany, so I decided to add another thought. I was reading ry's area, actually....and I came across the name AOE. Ho damn, that brought back some memories. I remember...god, I think it was TWO years ago...that great summer...when me and ry played AOE non-stop. We were obsessed about it, i think, overall...we probably over 1000 games. On two names alone I have 300 games racked up. Ahh...those were the good ol days. When I formed the DW clan, too...and met Brandy. Ahh fuck, that is the ONLY time in my life I have ever been really, truly, happy. Those days of staying up to 4am playing AOE against delete_77 who let us play 7 games against him, 5vs1. When I stayed up all night talking to Brandy on the phone, not caring about the phone bill. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........I guess nothing lasts forever...

25. Ahh...I spent the night with cat tonite. It brought back a LOT of memories...god I miss her. I miss those days of old...when I was so young and naive, when I was so happy, every waking desire fufilled with a single person. She made me so happy....she still does, even just to see her, be with her...this is the ONLY time when I feel truly alive. The scent of her on my clothing fills me with a passion...something very alien to me, which is why I feel so alive at this moment. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.......GOD DAMN I want you cat...with every fiber of my being. I love you...

26. While writing my NA message, I had another epiphany, so I decided to add a thought about it, since I haven't done it yet. I have my own philosophy of life, which I haven't written anywhere...so I thought i'd better write it now before i'm gone. In my NA message I wrote the following:
death + life = balance
good + evil = balance
love + hate = balance
I believe that the world hangs in a balance. There are equal forces of good and evil on the planet, and have always co-exsisted together, to form the reality and perception that we all see. It is evident everywhere if you know where to look. For example, we invent a bunch of cures to various diseases, swinging the pendulum of this world in good's favor. Evil retaliates, by unleashing various plagues on the world. Evil grabs the pendulum when Hitler took power. Good retaliates by defeating him. See, everywhere you look, this balance is kept. BECAUSE you see, there is a defined reason for this, I believe. What happens if the world was nothing but good? Then it would stagnate, and become evil, bringing back the balance. If the world was pure evil, then the evil would turn in upon itself, eating it's own tail, in a sense, thus restoring the balance. There are equal portions of both in this world, and have been, and will always exist, for all of time. Or, at least....that's what I believe.

27. A lot of people spend their entire lives looking for love. A very small amount of people find it. An ever smaller amount of people can make that love last, have it transcend the very meaning of the word, to a higher plane of exsistence. However...I...don't look for it. I look for pain. As incredibly odd as that may sound...I have felt love, I think...and I have also felt searing, pure, total pain. I think I like the pain better. I can't explain the way it makes me feel...there isn't a word for the emotion. To feel wave after wave of astronomical agony is a kind of heaven for me. Perhaps this is why I am a pessimist, I seek out the bad in people, the pain in their actions, the evil and injustice in the world. It fills me. With something also belonging on that higher plane of exsistence.

28. At our school, I've seen a lot of people filled with a lot of sadness over two people that were injured in a car accident a few days back. I thought that the pain of these people, I could have felt, taken it into myself, filled the void, in a sense. However, it didn't touch me...I felt nothing, not even a glimmer of their pain. Perhaps I am becoming more and more numb to it...so I need higher forms of pain to fill the void, at least for a little while. That, in itself, saddens me...to a certain extent, at least...because now...simple physical pain doesn't do it for me anymore. A line of 'Stan' By Eminem used to be true of me: "Sometimes I even cut myself just to see how much it bleeds,/ it's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me." I used to do that a lot...but it just doesn't hold the same effect anymore...I think I need to be emotionally hurt now...badly.

29. I had a revelation today, thought I'd write it down. I realized that I don't think I can ever be with anyone again. Thinking of my latest...prospect, is the word I'll have to use, I realized that she has intelligence, she's cultured. If we were to date, she would actually want to go out and DO stuff...not stay in and do stuff. And I don't think I would know what to do...I'm not used to that. How can I be with someone when I couldn't possibly be what they wanted? How can I measure up? I've fucked myself over...and I can't change it back.

30. After spending, probably, one of the best days of my life at the mall, I can ALMOST(not quite), contradict my last thoughts up there. It IS possible to do things...going to the mall, for instance. It CAN be done...I've witnessed and expierienced it firsthand. Maybe I'm not as doomed as I'd have myself believe.

31. (I wrote this on the night it was snowing...I'm only just adding it now).
God, what a night. Snow falling firmly, yet gently. The sky is a dim pink, almost twilight outside, yet it is 10:30. This, you see, is just those kind of nights that I long for. Quiet, cool yet freezing, moonlit(somewhat), and calm. A night of contemplation, I would say. Just one of those things that brings a small, yet needed, meaning to my life.

32. (Note to self: Do NOT make any thoughts while drunk. Please excuse this number, I'm not going to put anything in here...cus I don't like to erase thoughts, but the one that was here was pretty stupid.)

33. It happened again, last night. For the first time in a while...makes it 3 times, now. Three times i've expierienced this weird feeling. I got it when I died, the time when I went to the hospital. And the time the first night I slept in my bed after coming home from the hospital. But now...now it doesn't happeen with insinuating circumstances. I MADE it happen this time. I focused all my thoughts. I'll try to explain what it is...or at least what little I know of this...trance.
When I lie in bed at night, darkness around me...I sort of...concentrate...on what I don't know, but I just focus my thoughts into nothing. It seems like a 'gate' opens in front of my closed eyes...what I can see goes from black to blacker...like a gate opening, so to speak. When the gate is fully open around me(it takes a long time to happen, I don't know how time passes when this occurs), then something weird happens. A bunch of things occur at once. First, my sense of hearing is increased tenfold. I hear EVERYTHING around me(for instance, when I swallow my spit, it sounds like a tidal wave, no joke) amplified. Then, my body begins to shut down. I can feel myself breathing less and less(it feels like your running, like out of breath, but your just volutarily not breathing that much). This is the part that is different every time. The last two times when this happened, I felt like I started to leave my body(felt like I was floating, so to speak), but this time I could feel my chest compressing because I had stopped breathing for about2-3 mins(I think). But this time I broke myself out of it. I almost hit the celing with the recoil of it. So I can make it happen, and I can break it. I can control this weird...power. Maybe one day it will kill me.

34. I always think of thoughts to add at the weirdest times. I was just doing some of my quotes when I suddenly found myself thinking about death again. Man, I'm a fuckin physco, I always think about weird stuff like that. Especially my whole dying...trance. That's some pretty scary shit, I must admit. Then again, I'm a pretty scary guy(or so I've been told).

35. Once again, I contradict an earlier thought. First I said I couldn't be with anyone again, then I went back on it and said it was possible...but now I turn around on it AGAIN and say that I can't be with her. How could I possibly come between you and him? He's a much better person then I am. Why should I jepordize your happiness to satisfy my own selfish delusions? Maybe that's what I've been doing wrong to all the other girls I've wanted to be with. It's not right for THEM! I can't really seem to see past my own dementia...I guess that's the price you pay for your rampant hormones. Or is it something more? It was for at least some people. Still is. Even as I write this, I should practice what I preach, for I still do the same stupid things, even now.

36. I realized how very often I contemplate my own death today. At the most inoppourtune times, when I should be having fun, and being happy(which, as i'm sure your all aware of, if you've read my other thoughts, doesn't happen very often), I think of depressing subjects. I can give you a shining example of this which comes to mind. I was at cat's house, in her comptuer room, and she was turning on her ICQ. She started talking to somebody, and I said to myself"boy, she would be sad if I was gone and she couldn't talk to me". See? At the oddest of times, I feel like dying the most. Happiness bites, when I should feel happy, I feel like shit. When I should feel like shit, i feel strangely...content. Like pain is a good friend of mine. Ahh well, that's just the way I am...fucked up.

37. I just wanna clear something up, make sure everyone knows something, that they may not have before. Apparently, I do certain things to be COOL. COOL? Honestly? Is that what you think? DO you think I do what I do to be cool? To get attention? To make FRIENDS?! Man...I guess some people just don't understand me as much as they'd like to believe. I can't remember a SINGLE instance in my life(although don't hold me to this, my memory capabilities are fading away more and more) when I have EVER done ANYTHING to be cool. I do what I do for two things. One, for my own personal benefit(what I do is for me, not for anyone else), or Two, the means to an end. Means to an end. Do you really think I care what other people think of me? Do you? Do you think I want death to PLEASE them? To make them like me? Really? I don't think I can put any more emphasis on this with the limitations of computer text, but I DO NOT CARE WHAT ANYONE THINKS. Certain people, of ALL people, should have figured that out by NOW.............

38. Hey what do you think of this thought..YOU R GAY.. goin' after me in your thoughts section scares me oh so much.

39. Hehehe. What an interesting day. I was almost scared that my page was erased again. I'm glad it isn't. Ahh well, shit happens. And what makes you think I was going after you in my thought there? I just wanted to make sure nobody else makes that mistake. And besides, why would I try to scare you? I don't play such childish games.

40. I thoght I'd write a thought right now, since I'm actually feeling happy(this is a short-term thing, I'll be back to my normal self in a few hours). I just exchanged presents with Karie, and I'm feeling quite loved right now. Now THIS happenes even more rarely then me being happy, so I think it deserves a thought. Even though we are two very different people, opposites even...I guess opposites attract. Karie, thank you so much for the gifts, and making me feel happy and loved...for once.

41. Been a little while since I did any thoughts, me being gone to Montreal for New Years and all. Some good memories came outa that one...the last of what attainable dreams I had have been fufilled. I'm getting more distant by the day...knowing that soon...soon, my time will come. This time, though...I'm far more prepared. I have fought all my demons...I didn't beat them all, but it says something to challenge them. Now that I've fessed up to all my stupidity(at least to myself), I can die in peace. Maybe not everyone will agree with me on that one...but hell...sometimes, you just have to do things for yourself, and screw what everyone else thinks.

42. Earlier today I was sure about what I was doing...I knew at the end of the day, I would see the sun set for the last time. Now....now, dammit, I'm not so sure. Having second thoughts. This is really stupid. I can't back out of this...I already spent money on the means. I mean, It's definetly gonna happen, I have already admitted that to myself, but shit...WHEN? I need it now...not later, dammit, NOW! As you can see, I am having a mental battle right now. HOPEFULLY, this will be my last thought. Hopefully being the key word.

43. While I'm at it, I'd just like to add a few things that I'm sure everyone will be asking themselves, like why and stuff. Well let me answer that now: Why? Don't even bother to ask, you won't like my answers, and It's better that you don't know why. Just leave it at the fact that I've wanted this for as long as I can remember, and only now have I had the courage, intelligence, and most important, the means, to do this.

44. Well...it's been a few days since those last few thoughts. And just so ya know, you can obviously see I've added more thoughts...so my plans didn't come through for me. Mostly because of you, Niki. God damn...not only did your hystericalness change my mind...but spending the night with you...jesus...that ranks in the top 10 best nights on my life, without a doubt. I haven't felt that loved in as long as I can remember. I just wanted to say thanx...cus you've(and we can't forget your mom, of course) really changed my outlook on a lot of stuff.

45. It's been another long while since I did any thoughts, and I really don't have much to say, but hell, I had better do something before people start wondering. A few things i've realized over the past few days I might as well write down. first, I kinda realized that life(or my life, anyways), travels in waves...like, i'll explain. WAY back in the day, in grade 9/beginning of 10, I was in limbo(basically, I was not happy, nor sad...just...there), and then I met Brandy and LP, and my 'life wave' went up into happy...stayed for a while...then went back down to limbo after i started fighting with cat. Then, when things with cat started getting really bad, my life wave went down into depressiveness, and stayed there for about 6 months...then...in the end of grade 11/beginning of 12, they went back to limbo, and have been ever since(and still is). So, dammit...I need my life wave to get into happy again. BUT WHEN?

46. I had an interesting night last night, thought I'd share it. I was reflecting on things, as I usually do, when I can't fall asleep(which happens often enough). I was thinking about some things that I've done, things that I haven't done, etc, etc. To worry and ponder about certain things(what they were isn't important), and I got into sort of, a fit of rage. Now that doesn't happen very often at ALL(I don't get mad very easily), and it was suprising to see myself in such an uncontrollable passion. I started punching stuff like mad, for no reason, almost shaking with anger. It was kinda weird to feel that way...and I never did get to sleep that night.

47. This isn't really one of my better thoughts(certainly not comparing to the early 40's and mid-30's there), but I thought that I may as well add it anyways, for a reason which I'll get into. There are a few things I have to say. First of all, I bet a lot of people that read my site have noticed that this 'Erica' chick has signed my guestbook a few times. I noticed too, don't worry. And NO, I have no idea who she is. Although she seems to hate me an awful lot, I'm not mad. I am, however, very curious as to her reasons, but hey, what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger. It should be an interesting next few days.
Second of all, I was reading my thoughts today, and I noticed that I have an awful lot, 47 now. That's a helluva lot of thoughts. I just thought that was pretty cool.
Third, i was talking to Milena about stuff in class today, and once again, that certain someone came up. I thought to myself, after thinking it over long and hard...that MAYBE, just MAYBE...I have a chance with her. It's pretty damn close to zero...but that is a big step from the long line of zero's I've had in my life. Half is far, far, FAR better then none...but I'm not there yet.

48. Well, I did it. Today...today was one of those rare days when I actually DO things that are becoming of a regular human. I took the next step...but I don't know what the outcome is yet. Hopefully something good will come out of it. My prediction, however...is that either the absolute worst will happen(while unlikely, is more likely then the absolute best), or that nothing will really change, which is my true guess. I guess we'll find out tomorrow...my next thought will reflect the outcome.

49. Well, that day was an interesting day, all right...although not at ALL in the way I epxected. She didn't even show up to class, even though she was at school. That could be interpreted in a number of different ways...good or bad, however, I do not know. However, that was only the beginning of my interesting day. The big thing was, I found who anonymous girl was...and it's someone I know. Isn't that cool? Oh, the possibilites.

50. My 50th thought. That's gotta be something of a milestone. Just thought I'd update everyone on the current phase of this so-called life(If you even care). The babysitting was a bust...but that is mostly my fault, but hey...that isn't nessecairly over yet. The other current situation in my life has yet to develop...but if she's there monday, I'm sure that will take a step in one direction or another. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. I'm a patient man...in some respects.

51. I do a lot of contradicting thoughts. It just goes to show you that I really don't know anything, I mean fuck, how many times have I contradicted myself, on this pagw alone? 4 or 5? That's too many already. Ok, well, anyways...what I'm contradicting, you may ask? #47. I have zero chance, I came to that realization. There is just too many things that stand in the way, especially on my side. For all I know, she MIGHT like me...but even if she did, I'm sure there are so many thigns that would go wrong, that I'm just not gonna even bother...ahh well. Tis better to have never loved at all, then to have loved and lost(I know it was said the other way, but this way is FAR more true).

52. It is interesting to note, I thought, that even now, after all that has happened in the past month, nothing has really changed. I'm still the same dpressed, suicide-crazed, fucked up, prodigal son. Not after my talks with Niki(and her mom), not after telling my parents, not even after going to the hospital, do I still feel any different. WHAT'S IT TAKE, HUH?

53. It's been a while since I did any thoughts...why, you might ask? Mostly cus I don't really have anything to say...my life hasn't been very exciting lately. Although I did come to a few realizations...after watching 'High Fidelity', which was a really good movie. Most of those realizations are as follows(I put them as my NA...so they might seem worded funny.):
Isn't It ironic that my best memories are the ones that fill me with the most pain?
Isn't it ironic that I live in a fantasy world, where I perceive everything good to be bad, and everything bad to be good?
Isn't it ironic that everything I think I need to make me happy, are just the things that make me the most sad?
Isn't it ironic that I can't seem to grasp the concept that I am going to live longer then I want to?
Isn't it ironic that I'm not half as bad off as I think?

54. I know I haven't been doing thoughts lately. I could say that because of exams, I don't have time...but that's a big fat lie. It's cus I know people don't want to read what I have to say...cus they think that I'm over everything that's happened to me, and I'm in some sense of normality. Well, sadly, that isn't true at ALL. If anything, I'm worse off, cus I know more about myself, and nessecairly it isn't good stuff. I still want to die, now more then ever. However, I realize now that I can't, there is simply too much keeping me here, as unlikely as I thought that would be. Dammit, it's all because of you people that I can't just die in peace. Why can't you just hate me, like Erica? It would all be easier if you did.

55. Well, it's been a while since I did any thoughts again. I seem to be getting more distant from myself, thinking even less then I usually do, and so I don't have much to say. I've been in almost complete limbo lately...things aren't absolutely horrible like they've been sometimes, but also, things could stand to be a HELLUVA lot better. It almost seems like I can't even draw anything from my life anymore....good OR bad. I still wanna die, but it seems more like a dream then actually attainable. Nothing seems real anymore...I just can't feel it. I wonder if that's good or bad?

56. Stratch that thought. For now, at least. I'm feeling something right now, and it's definetly a good thing. One of those times that you go over and over in your mind, wondering why such a small thing can make someone so happy. I have a few of those...and while most of the times, in the end, they prove to do more harm to myself then good....at the time when it's happening, though...god, it feels so good.

57. Although nothing is happening right now...somehow, it feels like so much is happening at once. For now, at least, a myriad of thoughts and emotions swifl through me, as I listen to my music. I don't even know what to think anymore...it all seems so wrong...I really don't belong here. Dammit, if only I had a gun...

58. What brilliance. Katie showed me today, what I have really been doing. My last couple thoughts, as I'm sure you've realized, haven't been very good...they have been less prespectives on life, then my own personal journal, and I apologize for that. Now that I've realized what I've been doing, I'll have to make a few changes...my thoughts can't be a diary anymore...they need to revert back to their original style...a style which, when I read them, seems so much more...well, true to myself then anything else. So just expect my next few thoughts to hopefully be better.

59. A lot of people let fear run their lives. I was listening to Drive by Incubus(which is a good song ry, I must admit), and it quoted a very true line. "Don't let fear take the whell and drive". It's sad that so many people let fear run their lives. Fear of anything, be it everything, or something so small and insignificant that most other people wouldn't even see it...It can ruin someone's life forever. Sure...maybe one day, down the road, you can either get over it or get it talked out of you(something shrinks are good for), but it will still make such an impact on you life...I dunno. Fear is probably the most powerful weapon anyone can use to sway the masses...or just sway one person. I just thought that was pretty interesting.

60. I am going to try and mix my thoughts now...a mixture of the old, my more philosophical thoughts and musings, like my first 10 or so. I'll also throw in some of my later thoughts, like the last 20 or so, just to vent some of my anger in writing. hopefully if I combine them correctly, my site can revery back to it's sense of normality. Well, this thought is going to be similar to my later thoughts, cus I have something to vent today. Not nessecairly a bad thing, though. My semester this year, is going to be really good. I had the BEST day today...I woke up late, had two good classes, got to piss off a teacher I absolutely hate in third, got to come home and have a leisurely lunch, and went back to school for a final period of American History, which is a good class. All around, my school life is getting much better...for once, something is actually getting better! Ahh, what a feeling that is.

61. I just had the worst nightmare of my life. I dreamt that I RAN all the way to cat's house from mine, and it took me SO long to get there. And when I got to cat's door, her and her friend were just coming in....and she just looked at me with such hatred and pain, I was dumbstruck. Then she said "go up to the dining room, maybe my parents can drive you home". And then she went downstairs. Then her parents came down, and started talking to me, saying that I shouldn't have done what I did, etc, etc. but I didn't know WHAT it was that I did. That was one of the scariest expieriences of my life, knowing that someone had so much hatred for me, and I didn't know what it was, but I knew it was MY fault. Wow...that was bad.

62. Haven't done any thoughts for a while. I've just been busy, what with work now, and night school, and all. Anyways...I just wanted to point out the fact that I happened to notice while working for the first time today. It's not as hard to be half-decently nice to people as I thought. Before I worked, I always thought that I was NOT a people person, that I simply couldn't interact with people for an extended period of time without getting nasty...well...it turns out that it's not as hard as I thought. You can at least be civil with little effort...IF ONLY THEY WOULD DO THE SAME TO YOU! I feel bad when I'm rude to people just trying to do their jobs now. I think I'll be just a little bit nicer to people. I'm sure that's a good thing.

63. Well, last night was certainly interesting. I learned alot about myself, and about other people. I learned that I'm too dependant on the past to live my future...definetly a bad thing. That's bad for anyone...cus your past can never be your future. I also learned that driving stoned is even MORE of a bad thing....although it's pretty cool cus you feel like your going super fast. Anyways yea, I really need to come up with some better thoughts.

64. You know, I was thinking today, having little else better to do...and I realized something. That if your really down in your life, like you've hit a rut...it is REALLY hard to get out of it. No matter how hard you try, how happy you think yiu might be, you always fall back into it, like you never even TRIED to get out. It's a vicious cycle, it is.

65. Well, I can't really seem to get my thoughts in order lately. There seems to be too much floating about in my head for me to be able to write philosophical thoughts, or even stuff that is even mildly interesting to anyone but me. So unfortunately, my next thoughts(if I even bother to do any), will kinda suck.

66. It's been a while. I've gone through one period if near-extreme depression, and came out of it again, and I'm actually feeling pretty good these last two days, so I think it's time to add another thought. Although, I've started my more serious writings again. About a year ago, I started writing a book on the comp. I was up to about 20 or 30 some-odd pages, and then my incredibly inept dad deleted it. Wow, you should have seen it, I RARELY get that mad. Well, after that I was pretty discouraged, and shied away from starting again. however, I finally got around to re-writing it again, although I've only done 3 pages. But at least I've started again, and I think i'm back on track to getting some good thoughts again(I mean, I get good thoughts, but can rarely find the words to express them). Anyways, yea...expect good things to come.

67. After some careful consideration, I've been realizing a few things about myself, some things I'm sure are pretty...well...important. First, I noticed, (or rather admitted), for the first time, that I'm REALLY not that bad off, however I do ANYTHING I can to make it seem like i'm bad off....I try to find something, anything, to blame for my depression. There's probably a word for that, but I don't know what it is. I also realized that I usually have a cyclical manner of depression. It first sets in today, on tuesdays, after I watch Buffy and Angel, my two favorite shows (Which, like me, are really dark, brooding shows). After that, it starts to set in...it festers wednesday and thursday, until I'm going nuts with it by thursday night/friday afternoon. However, if I have a good weekend, then it usually subsides for a few days, and if I don't, then i'll get myself really drunk and that usually makes it go away for a day or two. Pretty weird, but good to know.

68. The world is a cesspool of corruption, greed, sin, deceit, trechary, and betrayal. Today is NOT one of my good days. It is, though...it really is(Note- I don't know what that last sentence is supposed to mean..I don't remember writing it). I think that dead guy on Angel said it best..."The world does not work in spite of us...it works with us...because of us." He is, of course, talking about evil, and I really agree...sadly enough. Although there has to be evil in the world to keep the balance...I mean, fuck, it seems like that's all I can see...

69. Hehehe, thought #69. Anyways, I just wanted to make a quick note that although my thoughts have been erratic and sporadic lately, I really have a lot of pent-up anger and depression, and i'm letting it out in smaller and smaller increments, especially in my thoughts area. I'd like to write more thoughts about it, but that would be undermining my vow to make all my thoughts meaningful and informative, rather then my own personal journal. So i'm kind of stuck in a rut here, not knowing which way to go. I think I'll make a poll on my site to get people's opinion's of which thoughts they like better.

70. I have a thought. More of an epiphany, really. I realized something about that poll. I thought that I would see and gauge people's reactions and change my site accorindgly to your desire. However, two things came out of that. One, I realized none of you have any real care what goes on here...naive of me to think otherwise. Secondly, I realize that, frankly, i don't give two shits what you think. Why should I change what I do just because you don't want me to? Also naive of me...well, now I sure as hell know better. So I deleted the poll, and probably won't do anything like THAT again.

71. It's been a LONG time. My damn internet STILL isn't working, and my dad is too lazy to actually get a damn network guy over here. Ahh well, he's gone to florida for a few days, so I have free reign of his much-faster labtop. Anyways, it's been an awful long time since I have been able to vent all my feeling here, and as a result, i've been worse then usualy, and I think that that's why things have been suckin some major ass lately. Even though my life right now is AMAZING, the exact kind of life I want to lead, the depresion is getting in the way, permeating every aspect of my life, interfering in the chance of happiness I had. Oh well.

72. WOW. It's been a long time, my longest break in thoughts. Well, because I didn't have any internet access(cus my comp needed a serious overhaul), and I didn't have a thoughts section to vent my feeling into, things have sucked some pretty major ass lately. But hey, today I feel HAPPY for once, all because of my new(well, not really new...just imporved) computer. It's nice to have a purpose for once, and now I have a purpose re-vamping the computer to some sembelence of how it used to be.

73. Well, I do have to point out, that things haven't nessecairly been getting better lately, but I AM a lot more content with myself, now that I have something to vent my feelings into. Slowly but surely, hopefully things will get better. I mean, FUCK, good stuff has been coming my way lately. I talked to laura for the first time today, and while I pretty much made a complete ass of myself, it's a start. That was the first REAL progress I've had with her(notice my numerous thoughts on the subject, a bit higher in the numbers). Ahh well, hopefully more good things will come my way. But I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

74. It is interesting to note how immersed I now find myself in...well...I wouldn't nessecairly call it abuse, but simply overUSE, of drugs. I know, drugs are bad, m'kay. But then again, I don't really have anything STOPPING me...I mean, this is the ONLY(and beleive me when I say ONLY), thing that makes me happy right now. Sure, it may be artificial, but artificial is better then nothing at all.

75. My thoughts have succumbed to the primitive, primeval, and primordial. That isn't nessecairly a good thing. I have fallen to the depths of earthly pleasures, desires, and evils. That also isn't nessecairly a good thing. I have recently concerned myself with the here-and-now, rather then the more important things in this wretched life of mine: "The heart, the soul, the life, the passion"(Papa Roach - Between Angels and Inscets). But even more so then these things, I must try to strive for the intellectual purity that I so crave. I ride on a different wavelength then the norm. I walk in words the others can't possibly begin to imagine. And so, I should not try to conform to the society that i do not belong to, and must instead search for my true purpose: That which I have not yet found, but have felt the dimmest tips of. For that is the greatest part of life, is it not? Cold purpose.

76. Lately I have felt myself becoming more and more distant from the earthly realm to which I have consigned myself, for most of my life. I don't talk to the people I cared about, hardly ever. I don't associate with many people anymore, I care less about fitting in, then I do about searching for my own happiness. That is good. However, I'm only halfway there. I still have a long way to go before I can sever all contacts I have with this, the mortal realm. Only time can cure that, if I manage to live that long. However, some contacts I must keep, to be able to distance myself. The irony of that is just sickening. Although...I must admit...besides my usual ties, one, by far the strongest non-family tie...that one I will have a hard time breaking. I think i'm sub-consciously trying to break it by trying to make a move, so to speak. I am severly attracted to her, more her personality and the way she carries herself then anything else. I think love is too strong a word...yet. But it's getting there, and if I don't do anything about it, subconsciously or not, I think it may soon become that. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

77. Wow. 77 thoughts, that's pretty cool. Anyways, I'd just like to point out a few things(I always say something like that at the beginning of my thoughts, don't I?). Alrighty...well, first of all...I noticed that, except for DW, I don't talk to ANYBODY anymore...not even some of the people whom I thought I was closest to. I work, I drink, I blaze...and that's about it. I mean, sure, I talk to at people at school a bit, and I talk to milena all the time, and DW, of course...but that about entails it. I think I much prefer it this way, I have a lot less....clutter....in my life. I don't have to run around worrying about all sorts of stupid stuff anymore. That is DEFINETLY an improvement. My mind is so occupied nowadays, I don't have any time to dwell on all the negative things that swirl around me. I've become even more apathetic, more cynical, more sarcastic, and especially, more distant. I'm becoming, slowly, what I've always wanted to be.

78. Well, y'know, I had a great thought lined up, but now, for the life of me, I can't remember what it was. Just goes to show you how absent-minded I really am. AHH yes, I remmeber(keep in mind I was sitting here for like 20 minutes trying to think of it). But I remember now. I was going to comment on thought #4. Seems like the longest time ago I wrote some of those thoughts. Well, anyways, if your too lazy to go up and read thought 45(which i'm sure a good portion of you are, if your anything like me), It basically talks about my concept of happiness/depression coming and going in 'waves'. Well, I explained in 45 that I was in limbo at present. Well, that is starting to change, and for once, for GOD DAMN ONCE, it's not getting worse. Although I am by no means in the happy wave yet(if it even exsists), but things are certainly out of depression, and lifting out of limbo. Despite a few minor setbacks, things are just going great lately. I have a relatively easy school semester(reflected in my total lack of effort, and consequently, my total lack of good marks, but that isn't really a concern to me). I also have Milena, a greatly positive influence in my life. Attractions aside, she is one of my better friends. She's like me in a lot of ways, she doesn't judge me. She's pretty much satisfied with who I am, much like I'm satisfied with who she is, and that is exactly how I like it. And, last of all, there's my job. Sue, I don't like it, but is ANYONE really all that suprsied. It keeps me busy, and it gets me money. The busy part is much more beneficial to me then the money. For, so they say, Idle hands are the devil's workshop. And my hands have been pretty damn idle until about 3 months ago.

79. Well, It's the big old 18th. My 79th thought. Everything is all coming together into a fine mesh of reality. Although I think i'm being influenced slightly by the chemical inbalances in my head, the depression, etc, I think I can almost say that I'm thinking in clear objectivity. Looking back...I have nothing to show. I am an insignificant speck in the universe. Just a tiny little dot the size of Mickey Rooney. That's from animaniacs. I don't matter, in the grand scheme of things, whatever that may be. What prupose do I have here, or am I simply just that, a vessel of no purpose. Sure as hell seems like that. What I do, what I say, it had no bearing on anything, if anyone else was looking at it through a fine glass. It just goes to show you that anything and everything I do is for naught.

80. Getting ever closer to that magical #, thought 100. Although It'll probably take like a few months to actually GET to that mark. Well, I don't want to cut off this page and start a new one at such a non-symmetrical # like 80. Simply in the intrest of order. I decided what I'll do. When I get to 100, I'll divide the thoughts pages. The first 100 I'll call "The Dark thoughts". Because that's what they(well, most of them, at least) are. Dark. My character has gone through dramatic changes since the start of this page, changes which can be measured in my thoughts. In the begining(LIke the first 15), things were ok. I was basically in limbo. But then, from 15 till about...oh, say 50, things were taking massive slides into the depths of depression. That was probably the second largest, and hardest, bout of depression I've ever suffered(The first being fall of grade 10...and how fitting the name of the season that it occured). However, after 50, things began to(however slowly), pick up. There were times of great sadness, however, but in general, I was moving out of the true depth. By about now, and say the last 5 thoughts, I've actually pulled myself completely out of depression, and moved back into limbo. Only time will tell how things fare from here. And, of course, a small part of destiny and fate, but I have no control over that.

81. Wow. I have NOT felt this depressed in a REALLY long time. Kind of a contradiction to #80 up there, huh? Hahaha. Wow, this is really reminiscent of the days of old...but, the alcohol probably has something to do with that, I bet. I'll probably feel better in the morning(I don't get hangovers). I should probably be getting off to bed before some of the more vicious thoughts enter my head...but hey...they already have.

82. It's been a while. It's mostly due to the fact that I have been so out of wack lately, I haven't been all there. Well, I think it's only gotten worse now. A feel a profound force pushing on me. The depression is only the beginning. These god damn...feelings, for lack of a better word, are corrupting my body. I haven't felt like this is a very long time...I forgot what it was like to feel so dark. It would have to be during these moments of clear objectivity, that I really learn what I was supposed to do in this world. Leave it.

83. Ok, I know, no thoughts for a while. But I haven't really had anything too say...really. I'm usually full of stuff...but not these last couple days. Well, I DID get Edgefest tickets today with Milena, and that's pretty cool..first concert EVER for me. Plus the camping before/after will be fun too. Damn, that's about it...I don't have all that much else to say.

84. You know, I'm always telling myself, and usually writing in my NA's, that it's time. It's always time(well, it feels like it quite a bit). But when is it REALLY time? I think that time had already passed. Due to an interesting series of coincidences, and very odd happenings indeed, I'm still here. It almost seems like I'm living on borrowed time. I've been doing that...probably for almost a year now. Well, that time can't last forever, it's gonna run out sooner or later...preferably sooner, but I'm not all that sure I'm making the decisions around here. Don't ask me what that means, I'm not sure myself.

85. Yes, yes, I know, no thoughts lately. Frankly, I haven't had time. What with work and all, I just haven't really had TIME to think, and the way it usually goes, the more free time I have, the more depressed I get. But the less free time I have, the more I WANT more free time, and it ends of being cyclical. So basically, I'm fucking myself over. It really is true...idle hands ARE the devil's workshop. Although I'm not all that sure that me using my hands for such purposes is really the work of the devil...more like the work of my twisted mind.

86. Well, I've had a few days of rest, and I'm right back at square one. Sqarely depressed. Funny how that works. Guess the only solution to it(or as far as I've been able to gather) is to constantly be busy. But that is very taxing on my frail body. This is quite a paradox, isn't it? On one hand, if I'm not bsy, I'm depressed. On the other hand, when I'm busy, I wish I wasn't. Jesus, what the FUCK am I supposed to do? WHAT'S IT TAKE, HUH?!

87. Well, life is certainly one interesting little piece of work. I'm coming to grips with my own external emotions, stuf which I've previously had little control over. But now, I think I'm getting much better at controlling my emotions. Especially when it comes to girls. I'm still only 18, and I'm pretty much a raging hormone bomb, but for the first time since I was like 13, I've got it under control. I can recognize when the hormones are at work, and I can fight it down to keep me from doing something stupid, things which I'm pretty much KNOWN for doing. So no more of that, thank god. I mean, c'mon, what the hell do I REALLY need a girl for? All they've EVER done is fuck up my life, and going after them or being with them has only resulted in pain and hardship. So now, no more of that. No more girls. Music to my ears.

88. Well, I meant to add a thought a few days, but I never got around to it, so here I go, a little belated. ...Actually, to tell you the truth, I can't remember what my thought was going to be about. How's that for irony? Well, anyways, I guess for the first time EVER, I realized that, as much as I loathe to say it, I need an education. Frankly, I don't want to be working at baskin robbins for the rest of my life(at least not in the summertime). Not after that last little...episode, shall we say?

89. I noticed something, something I'm sure some of you were wondering(ok, that's probably not true at all, but hey, a guy can dream, right?). Why haven't I done any good thoughts lately? Or, for that matter, ANY thoughts? Well, I think I realized it tonite. Not because I'm busy or anything, cus I always got time, especially now, in summertime. I think it's because most of my thoughts tend to be at times of depression(that's for damn sure), but the thing is, I haven't really felt any real depression lately, at least nothing in comparison to my darker days. I've been pretty...well, not happy...more like...not sad. I've rarely got time to sit and brood like I used to. I even had a good trip down memory lane today, picking up Brent from his graduation dance. See, I miss things like that...times...I guess it's fair to say, 'the world before the fall...'.

90. Wow, 90 thoughts. Getting closer to 100. Anyways, I know there haven't been any thoughts in the last little while, but unless you link directly to this site, you'll know why(my updates say it all). Now that calculus is over, I can actually start to enjoy the summer...or can I? It seems to me, that I can never be really, truly free. I always worry about SOMETHING. I guess that's just ingrained in my head, although it is a very unsettling feeling. I mean, c'mon, what the HELL do I need to worry about? I am one of the haves, and yet, I worry. Right now, I worry about work. But FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, my job isn't THAT bad. It's tolerable, even though I take a hateful eye to everyone that comes in, guilty until proven innocent, being the best way to describe it. I really am one twisted little fuck, huh?

91. Thoughts have been slow lately. Not nessecairly because I don't have time. I have FAR TOO MUCH time on my hands. Maybe that's why. I laze around all day, literally, on days I don't work. Which is 4 of the 7. That's a lot of idleness. Which would lead me to believe that nothing is really happening to me, at nothing thought-worthy. I have distanced myself a great deal from the goings on of the world around. That's good. I don't LIKE it here...

92. Even though today was a good day, I'm in a more black mood then usual. How typical of me. I really, really, REALLY wish I had a spine. If I did, i'd be long gone, and damn, how peaceful THAT would be. But, this wretched shell of mine is afraid of it. AFRAID, afraid of what is my salvation from this...this mess. This is not life. What I live is not life. It's a twisted form of unlife. I cannot take this anymore. But what escape do I have? Sure, death beckons, and God, how I want to go that way, but something holds me back...I guess whatever shreds of reality remain have gathered themselves into one last struggle. Damn, I wish I could win. Not even alcohol is an escape anymore. I have nothing left. Now all I need to do is find a way to beat this life inside of me...and finally, FINALLY, be free of this. DAMN, how I wish I had a gun...things would be SO much easier. I WANT OUT! NOW!

93. My thoughts lately have been quite somber. Well, I can't exactly say I'm feeling anything BUT somber. I've been imagining the reactions of some of my...more remembered ties. Needless to say, I'm expecting something dramatic, even though I know it won't REALISTICALLY happen. But...through some, seen or not, work on my part, I have distanced myself from all the ties I consider to be the strongest. That means...there is nothing left holding me here. So what holds me now? Why am I not already gone? I have searched, sought out that answer as the focus of my entire quest. I think, MAYBE, I know the answer. It has eluded me, given me hints here and there, and even when I mustered the strength...that last time...it had still not manifested itself. But now...maybe...I think I know.

Fear.

Fear holds me here. Keeps me in the mortal coil. I am afraid of so many things, and yet afraid of nothing. I fear the pain that will no doubt accompany me. I fear what lays beyond. I fear the baleful stares of my comrades that will haunt my last moments. I fear the reactions of others...some...some I truly regret...only I deserve that kind of pain. I am sorry to have to force other people to endure that pain. I cannot deny it anymore. I know that people DO care about me, as much as I stiffly denied it. However...it's not that I don't care about you....I just have more important tasks at hand. Someone once told me, to do things for myself, and not care about what other people think. Good advice, depending on the context. And so...these things plague me. This fear plagues me. It holds me here. Whether real or imagined, it is nonetheless present. I do not know how long it will take for me to conquer this fear, but I must persevere. Else...what other purpose do I have? My quest, for as long as I can remember, is to step off this world. I am hoping that it has reached it's conclusion.

94. I was mulling over this for quite some time, I tried to hide it, bury it. But after reciting the story to someone...it's all coming back. I wasn't always like this. I wasn't always depressed like crazy, suicidal, constantly wanting to die. A long, long time ago...I was happy. I WAS HAPPY. Do you know how foreign that sounds to me? I can vividly remember it all, though...like it was yesterday. Brandy. She...was the epitimy of my life, the focal point of all that I believed in, all that I loved, all that I was. I loved her like no other. And she loved me like no other. Blinding, searing, right-down-to-the-BONE love. I loved her with every fiber of my being. And I destroyed it. I killed what I loved most. I cheated on her. And when she found out...right then, at THAT precise moment, my life began to slide downhill...

95. I haven't really done any thoughts in a long time. Sort of gives me some time to save up some of the stuff that's happened over the past 2 weeks or so. And now, mere hours before this summer is officially over, what better time to add a thought? Well, anyways, like I said, thus endeth my final summer of my past self. This has probably been the longest summer, and the shortest at the same time. Long, because I didn't really do as much as before. I worked, sure, but when I wasn't, I was counting the time until I did. Which made it long. What made it short, is the simple fact that this will be last time I have...the last time I have to revel in adolescence. This has also been the happiest, and the most depressing summer I've ever had. Happiest, because not only have I really appreciated the time I had with all my friends before they leave. Depressing, not only because of my usual fits, but also because, now, it's over. That's it. I have left my old self behind, shed the last vestiges of my childhood. Now, now is the dawning of a new era. I can see it unfolding before my eyes, a new age has begun for myself. I cannot tell what it portends, nor how long I will be able to bear it's burden, as badly as I've borne the burden of yesteryear. Only time will tell. I have to hold myself together through the sheer force of my will. Because I have nothing left to lean on now.
Now, I am really, truly....alone.

96. Well, school has started. Everyone in DW thought it would be some big transistion. Well, for Salo and Elgar, it might be, but for me, ry and aaku, nothing has really changed. If anything, we have MORE time on our hands, now that were not working as much. Ahh well, funny how these things work. Anyways, since my comp stuff got deleted AGAIN, I have to start over on a lot of stuff. One of these things would be my book. All I have is the prologue. I'd started on the first chapter, and was pretty well into it, but it's gone now. It seems like some higher power is REALLY trying to prevent me from writing this story. I've tried to start at least 4 times in the last year or so, and every time it's been deleted by some insinuating circumstance. Ahh well, the prologue is saved forever now, and I can go from there. As I finsih chapters, I'll add them too, so I can preserve that forever too. Anyways, yea, this is probably pretty boring, so I'll leave it at that. Except to add, that school is pretty goods. Politics, World Issues, and Finite is a pretty light semester. AND, Milena AND Laura are in my W.I. class. Lucky me. ;)

97. No thoughts for a while. I'll have to retract parts of my earlier thought...things are quite a bit harder then I had anticipated. Finite is pretty damn hard...I'm actually gonna hafta WORK. Yea, you know me and work...oil and water. Anyways...some goods MAY be occuring tomorrow. If anything actually comes of it, I'll add another thought. Most likely, though, things will turn out exactly as they usually do(which happens 99.99999% of the time). Either nothing will change at all afterwards, and things will be exactly as they were, OR, something terrible will happen, and someone'll get hurt. Both got about a 49.9999% chance of happening. I guess we'll have to see. Anyways, goods, that's it. I lead a very uninteresting life.

98. This has been one HELL of an interesting weekend. I've had more things happen to me in the last 2 days then normally happens in a month. How very interesting indeed. Not only did I hang out with nicole on saturday, which, in itself, is an achievement, but I also met someone ELSE. Two new girls in a day. That's rivaling the 'them' record. Nevertheless, while Nicole is awesome to hang around with...she's WAY out of my league. But Erika...she could be one helluva friend to me. I already can't wait till I go to breakfast with her. I do not look forward to ANYTHING. This is the culmination of all sorts of dreams of mine...but I'm sure if I want it, now that's it here. This nervousness is reminiscent of like grade 9 and 10. This is NOT cool. There are pros and cons to this. A life of solitude suits me much better...but...is it just hormones compelling me to this...or do I really want it? I wish I had the answer to THAT one. It'd solve a whole slew of other problems.

99. Wow. that's a lot of thoughts. I'm close, close I tells ya. Anyways, I've had a little vodka, so I'm in a creative mood. Thought I'd bring up one of the things that seems to govern my every waking thought. For you see, while the world constantly battles in a struggle of good vs. evil, I myself, seem to be a shining example of that struggle contained within a single being. I am made up a mixture...half of me is pure and good...and the other half....filled with darkness, fear, hatred, loathing, and a ambition that threatens to tip the precarious scale that is my life. For you see, that ambition is a purpose, a purpose that has consumed both sides, consumed my entire being. The desire to die. That has fueled a passion that stirs something deep within me. The evil side of me wihes to be consumed by the darkness of that ambition, while the good tries valianty to try to maintain a sanity that could keep me in this world...but I fear that the evil is winning. Winning a battle for the very future of something that extends beyond my puny exsistence. A battle for exsistence itself. It was swept back and forth, these raging tides. I have felt such profound goodnesss that had nothing to do with weed. I have also felt total, all-consuming darkness. But I have felt that darkness far, far more times. Perhaps it is best to exlpain the unexplainable with a simple poem, one not written about this titantic stuggle, nor, does it have much to do with it. But to me...it is the epitamy, the very pedestal upon which sits the scales that hold the fragile balance in my life. When this poem becomes untrue...then the battle will have been decided.

100. When was the start of all this?
When did the wheels of fate begin to turn?
Perhaps it is impossible to grasp that answer now,
From deep within the flow of time...

But, for a certainty, back then
We loved so many, yet hated so much.
We hurt others and were hurt ourselves.

Yet, even then, we ran like the wind.
Whilst our laughter echoed,
Under cerulean skies...

Thoughts #'s 100 through 200.

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