THE HUMOR PAGE |
The Darwin Awards are true stories that posthumously honor those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it. We commemorate the actions of men and women who gave their all, in an effort to improve the human species.
A Kansas man who was killed by a train after his car broke down on a motorway is among the contenders for the latest Darwin Awards. The train 's driver spotted him standing on the tracks, holding a mobile phone to one ear and cupping his hand to the other ear to block the noise of the train.
The nominees also included a Ukraine man who was killed when his dog retrieved a hand grenade which he'd just thrown at a police cadet.
A farmer decided to burn a beehive out of his orange tree. He protected his head from bee stings by sealing a plastic bag tightly around his neck. His worried wife found him dead a few hours later. He had forgotten to put breathing holes in the bag.
And, of course, top honors in 1996 went to the man who found out moments before making a 300 MPH dent in an Arizona cliff that the JATO (Jet Assist Take Off) rocket he'd strapped to his car could not be turned off once it was turned on....
A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
One day President Clinton came around to visit one of the schools. He was pushing one or the other of his programs "for the children" and he needed a good photo-op with "the children." While there at the school he asked the kids if they could give an example of a "tragedy."
One little girl raised her hand and when called upon she said: "It would be if a car ran through a stop sign and hit a school bus and killed some of the children."
"No," said the President. "That would not be a tragedy. That would be 'an accident.'"
Another child gave it a try. He said: "It would be if they had a fire at the Old Folks Home and some of the old people burned up."
"No," said the President. "That would not be a tragedy. That would be 'a great loss.'"
Finally one other little boy tried his luck. "I think it would be a tragedy if you were flying along in Air Force One and a guided missile came along and hit the plane and it crashed and killed you."
The President said, "Now that really would be a 'tragedy,' but how did you think of this example?"
The little boy responded: "I didn't think it would be 'an accident' and I know for sure that it wouldn't be any 'great loss'."
Question: Why does a gorilla have such large nostrils?
Answer: Because he has large fingers.
Up here in the hills several years ago there was a young
fellow who came riding along on his motorcycle out
on the main highway. It was winter time and it gets pretty cold
up here in the winter.
It's a kind of "wet" cold that penetrates every bone in your body.
Anyway this fellow had on a leather jacket, but the bitter cold was
penetrating the zipper
and up around his neck area. So he stopped his motorcycle and turned
the jacket around with the zipper in the back so that the collar came
up high on his neck and the solid front
presented a better shield against the wind.
The trick worked pretty well
as far as keeping him warmer but the awkward fit soon caused him to
lose control
of the motorcycle. He ran off the road and across a ditch and came
to rest near a big tree.
By the time Ole Mel Hullens, the sherriff's local deputy, came upon
the accident a pretty fair crowd had gathered around the young
fellow. Mel pushed his way though the crowd and asked what was
going on. One of the locals says: "Well, Mel, this fella over
here ran offn the road on his bike and landed here. When I first got
here he didn't seem to be hurt too bad, but by the time I got his head turned back
around to the front of his body he had quit breathing."
A man walks into an Irish pub and orders three pints of beer. He takes the beer and sits at a table where he takes a drink out of one, then the other, then the third glass. When he finishes the three beers he goes back to the bar and asks the bartender for three more. The bartender says: "I noticed that you're drinking alone, but you order three beers at a time. It's none of me business but the beer would stay fresher if you ordered just one at a time." The man answers: "Thank you for your consideration, but it's like this. I've got two brothers. One of them just moved to America and the other lives in Australia. So since they're so far away I come in and have a beer for each of us and I can remember their company." "And that's a noble thing," says the bartender and gives the man his three beers.
The man comes into the pub every day right on schedule, ordering beer by the threes each time. He sits alone, but all the regulars in the pub notice, and the bartender tells them the story. Then after many months of this habit, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender and everyone in the pub notice the fact that he only ordered two beers. The bartender realizes that something must have happened to one of the brothers. So when the man comes up to the bar to order two more beers the bartender says: "We've all noticed that you're only ordering two beers at a time this day. You certainly have all our condolences." The man looks a little puzzled for a few seconds and then, realizing the implications of what the bartender said, replies, "Oh, no, nothing bad has happened to me brothers. It's just that I converted over to being a Baptist and so I had to give up drinking."
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