PM]: :-)
WabanakiWoman [7:51 PM]: :-)
Tllmn62 [7:51 PM]: how as your day
Tllmn62 [7:51 PM]: was*
WabanakiWoman [7:53 PM]: about twice as bad as yesterdy in some ways
WabanakiWoman [7:54 PM]: and if I worried you last night, Im sorry, but, you had every right to be,,,,,,,,,,,,,,:'(
Tllmn62 [7:55 PM]: you will always worrie me because for you i can
Tllmn62 [7:55 PM]: and willingly do it
WabanakiWoman [7:55 PM]: no, Dan, I almost wasnt here today :(
Tllmn62 [7:56 PM]: i know
Tllmn62 [7:56 PM]: :(
Tllmn62 [7:56 PM]: but i can not press you
WabanakiWoman [7:56 PM]: I left Vic with the same message I left you, and then spent 2 hours crying and contemplating it
Tllmn62 [7:57 PM]: there is too many people who need you and that is not an answer for them or you
WabanakiWoman [7:58 PM]: my landlord not only gave me a 7 day notice, he gave me a notice to quit, so if I come up with the money, I still have to move at end of month
Tllmn62 [7:59 PM]: we sold a car today i have expendable cash now i know you won't take it from me but will you take it as a loan it is only 500
WabanakiWoman [7:59 PM]: I have an appt at 9:15 with social workers who are going to see what they can do
WabanakiWoman [7:59 PM]: he saaid my house stunk
WabanakiWoman [7:59 PM]: already told him I had no money for cleaning supplies
WabanakiWoman [8:00 PM]: but today, I had to see the shrink and she gave me a $25 card to get cleaning suppliues
WabanakiWoman [8:01 PM]: he said he didnt believe I had anything going and not going to fight for the rent every month
WabanakiWoman [8:01 PM]: I asked him how he lived with himself
Tllmn62 [8:01 PM]: too many like him in this world
WabanakiWoman [8:03 PM]: rather than get angrier or more upset, I shut the door in his face afer he gave me the notices
Tllmn62 [8:03 PM]: so you have to move just sooner than planed
WabanakiWoman [8:03 PM]: Nikki just left, making sure I was going to be alright
Tllmn62 [8:03 PM]: are you
WabanakiWoman [8:04 PM]: and if it wasnt for Lynda being the one to find me, I would have been gone last night
WabanakiWoman [8:05 PM]: they took all my pills away from me today
WabanakiWoman [8:06 PM]: I have to stop at Nikkis every morning to pick up my daily dosage
WabanakiWoman [8:07 PM]: and yes, I guess Im okay for now
WabanakiWoman [8:08 PM]: going to be harder after I talk to Steel, but thats been something that has to have been done for a long time too
Tllmn62 [8:08 PM]: and what will you do
WabanakiWoman [8:08 PM]: maybe I'm flattering myself, ut dont think its going to bother him as much I think it would have,
WabanakiWoman [8:09 PM]: just to plain ass tell, there is no relationship, theres never going to be one
Tllmn62 [8:10 PM]: if it is needed then so be it
WabanakiWoman [8:10 PM]: it does, Dan, and you know it too
WabanakiWoman [8:11 PM]: it always was a game,
Tllmn62 [8:11 PM]: it is a wish and everyone should be allowed to try to fulfill it
Tllmn62 [8:12 PM]: and you have tried
WabanakiWoman [8:12 PM]: maybe there will never be anyone for me, but not right I build anyone or my own hopes up, I have to live in the real world, not this cyber world
WabanakiWoman [8:13 PM]: there are other issues that decided it, his jealousy and possessiveness, I cant live like that
Tllmn62 [8:13 PM]: which is showing you to be growing
Tllmn62 [8:14 PM]: out of your hole
Tllmn62 [8:14 PM]: or what ever you want to call it
Tllmn62 [8:15 PM]: but i am the egnima in it :(
WabanakiWoman [8:15 PM]: if I had loved him the way I loved Frank, woiuld have gone thru heaven andd hell, but I didnt, and never will,
Tllmn62 [8:16 PM]: enigma
WabanakiWoman [8:16 PM]: I was wrong, he was an amusing relationship, something to occupy some of my time on here, but it should never have been allowed to go further, and I knew it
Tllmn62 [8:17 PM]: that is and was always your chioce
WabanakiWoman [8:17 PM]: wwhat do you mean you are the enigma?
Tllmn62 [8:18 PM]: when others said stop you went on with it out of your own sence of they are wrong and you deserve it as others have found it
WabanakiWoman [8:19 PM]: I know
WabanakiWoman [8:19 PM]: just looking for someone/something to fill the emptiness
Tllmn62 [8:20 PM]: aren't we all just doing that all the time everywhere
Tllmn62 [8:21 PM]: we go just something to complement ourselves
Tllmn62 [8:21 PM]: <wishing for >
WabanakiWoman [8:21 PM]: but he wasnt it and I knew, but played the game anyway
Tllmn62 [8:23 PM]: yes you did and it is a game that will be played again and again
WabanakiWoman [8:23 PM]: but not by me
Tllmn62 [8:24 PM]: because to not play the game will mean you have given up and i don't think you can do that
Tllmn62 [8:24 PM]: you may feel like it now
Tllmn62 [8:24 PM]: but that will change
Tllmn62 [8:24 PM]: as everything does
WabanakiWoman [8:24 PM]: what I meant is, not to play it to hurt someone, ever again, I know where my heart is, and Im not free to speak of it
WabanakiWoman [8:26 PM]: my son suggested last nightm that I bring Duane, home, no, cant do that either
Tllmn62 [8:26 PM]: no that would get you arrested
WabanakiWoman [8:26 PM]: if I did that might as well walk away from this program
Tllmn62 [8:27 PM]: till you got off on insanity plea
Tllmn62 [8:28 PM]: explain to him that that would be 2 steps backwards from your recovering you humanity
Tllmn62 [8:28 PM]: Lynda is the best step you have taken in a long while
WabanakiWoman [8:28 PM]: he knows that, but hes just thinking of security for me, until I get thru this program,,,,he doesnt realize its not going to help
Tllmn62 [8:29 PM]: and it may endanger you with the program
Tllmn62 [8:30 PM]: because you would be denying yourself because of him
Tllmn62 [8:30 PM]: shoadowing yourself from him and everyone around
Tllmn62 [8:31 PM]: because of him
WabanakiWoman [8:31 PM]: he would not come back anyway, he saw death in my eyes
Tllmn62 [8:31 PM]: and your need to be away from him
WabanakiWoman [8:31 PM]: he knew fera that day, I saw it
WabanakiWoman [8:31 PM]: fear
Tllmn62 [8:33 PM]: yes i think he may have gotten the point you were trying to make
WabanakiWoman [8:33 PM]: it scared me too, that I was capable of actually doing it if I could have got near him
WabanakiWoman [8:33 PM]: that is not the me I care to be
Tllmn62 [8:34 PM]: it was a needed thing at the time and nothing to fret about that was the you backed into a corner with no way out
Tllmn62 [8:35 PM]: natural instinct
Tllmn62 [8:36 PM]: because we treat an animal like an animal
Tllmn62 [8:36 PM]: and we put down a sick one
WabanakiWoman [8:36 PM]: chit, they even going to watch each dose as I take it to make sure I dont hoard it for later
Tllmn62 [8:37 PM]: is it something you thought of or them
WabanakiWoman [8:37 PM]: they did
WabanakiWoman [8:37 PM]: I had to be honest with them I told the shrink what I felt like doing last night
Tllmn62 [8:38 PM]: i think that crossroad has passed
Tllmn62 [8:38 PM]: too much at in this short amount of time
Tllmn62 [8:38 PM]: and not being able to see the morning
Tllmn62 [8:39 PM]: so
WabanakiWoman [8:40 PM]: and they have extended my program 2 weeks
WabanakiWoman [8:40 PM]: ideally, they still want me in the hosp
Tllmn62 [8:41 PM]: that is always negotiable
WabanakiWoman [8:41 PM]: and those were beautiful cards, ty, they helped brighten this morning :)
Tllmn62 [8:41 PM]: because even after the program is done
Tllmn62 [8:41 PM]: it isn't
Tllmn62 [8:42 PM]: took along time finding some of what i felt
WabanakiWoman [8:42 PM]: no, I will be monitored for meds for the rest of my life, tyhis isnt something thats ever going to go away
Tllmn62 [8:42 PM]: it never is
Tllmn62 [8:42 PM]: everyone is like this not only you
Tllmn62 [8:43 PM]: you just need special attention right now
Tllmn62 [8:43 PM]: as we all do at different times
Tllmn62 [8:43 PM]: with all your children
WabanakiWoman [8:43 PM]: and Im getting the best that this part of the state can open
Tllmn62 [8:44 PM]: did you have to cuddle eace and everyone all the time
Tllmn62 [8:44 PM]: or did they seam to take turns
Tllmn62 [8:45 PM]: and even sometime were uninterested
WabanakiWoman [8:45 PM]: we would pigpile and watch Sat morning cartoons together, lol
Tllmn62 [8:46 PM]: that is where you are at you just at this time have need more attention than the others
Tllmn62 [8:46 PM]: you are allowed to need
Tllmn62 [8:47 PM]: and Sat mornig cartoons are not what they used to be lol
WabanakiWoman [8:47 PM]: nope:-(
WabanakiWoman [8:48 PM]: I knew you would know what I meant last night, this was Steels answer
WabanakiWoman [8:48 PM]: What the heck was that all about?
WabanakiWoman [8:49 PM]: he doesnt know me
Tllmn62 [8:49 PM]: to have confronted you with it last nite was the worst thing i could have done
Tllmn62 [8:49 PM]: you needed to decide for you what you wanted
WabanakiWoman [8:50 PM]: yes, and thats why I signed immediately off, and didnt come back on till this morning
WabanakiWoman [8:50 PM]: I made myself a little stronger in my decision
Tllmn62 [8:50 PM]: it had to be yours
Tllmn62 [8:51 PM]: for someone else to have made it would have been selfish and would have lessened you
Tllmn62 [8:52 PM]: and you are more than you can understand
WabanakiWoman [8:55 PM]: I just wish I could see some light at the end of the tunnel :(
Tllmn62 [8:56 PM]: don't we all
Tllmn62 [8:56 PM]: so
Tllmn62 [8:56 PM]: will you take my loan to you
WabanakiWoman [8:57 PM]: but I can not repay it until I can make baskets after this program is over
Tllmn62 [8:57 PM]: that is why i can do this
Tllmn62 [8:58 PM]: not part of needed monies for the near future or ever that i can see
WabanakiWoman [8:58 PM]: I was supposed to work on an order for Foxwoods for this month, but Im too tired when I get home, too druggy
Tllmn62 [8:58 PM]: and another place for me to hide it
WabanakiWoman [8:59 PM]: lol, I'll fix you, make you come up here to collect it,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Tllmn62 [8:59 PM]: that is you still adjusting to the meds
WabanakiWoman [8:59 PM]: :-D
Tllmn62 [8:59 PM]: lol :-D
Tllmn62 [8:59 PM]: and i just might come ;-)
WabanakiWoman [8:59 PM]: actually today in that way was the best Ive had, only nodded off once after lunch
WabanakiWoman [9:00 PM]: had a big lunch tho, meatloaf mashed potaotes, gravy spinach and pumpkin pie
Tllmn62 [9:00 PM]: wish i could nod off after before and during lunch
Tllmn62 [9:00 PM]: that i don't eat usually
Tllmn62 [9:01 PM]: sounds good
WabanakiWoman [9:01 PM]: all the doctors and nurses were given gift certificates for Xmas, the one my shrink gave me was the one she was given
Tllmn62 [9:01 PM]: i have not had pumpkin pie though
Tllmn62 [9:02 PM]: i like cherry
WabanakiWoman [9:02 PM]: when Lynda not here, I eat a good lunch there, so I dont have to cook at home, just sandwich or soup and a salad
Tllmn62 [9:02 PM]: actually love cherry pie
WabanakiWoman [9:02 PM]: and you in cherry country, lol
Tllmn62 [9:03 PM]: best cherry pie and me and my brother have been buying it everywhere
Tllmn62 [9:03 PM]: was the one we had as kids
Tllmn62 [9:04 PM]: mom would get it from the A&P
WabanakiWoman [9:04 PM]: lol, I take a can of filling pop in a crust, thats my version
Tllmn62 [9:04 PM]: all others are compared to it lol
WabanakiWoman [9:04 PM]: we have an A&p here, too
Tllmn62 [9:04 PM]: proable all they did lol
WabanakiWoman [9:04 PM]: oops, no, IGA
Tllmn62 [9:05 PM]: had a A&P here it closed
WabanakiWoman [9:05 PM]: when I make cherry ice cream, tho, I use black cherries
Tllmn62 [9:05 PM]: the best :)
WabanakiWoman [9:06 PM]: but my peanut butter ice cream pie is my specialty
Tllmn62 [9:06 PM]: i am also not a chocolate person lol
Tllmn62 [9:07 PM]: never developed a taste for it
WabanakiWoman [9:07 PM]: I have my cravings, but not for everyday
WabanakiWoman [9:08 PM]: our age was taught choc broke your face out, was never allowed it as a child, face still broke out, lol
Tllmn62 [9:08 PM]: yep lol
WabanakiWoman [9:11 PM]: I got a letter from Toon today, he is getting ready to come home this weekend,,,,,to Florida
Tllmn62 [9:11 PM]: where has he been
WabanakiWoman [9:12 PM]: been living in Portugal
Tllmn62 [9:12 PM]: nice part of the world
WabanakiWoman [9:12 PM]: but like others, he feels, theres no place like home
Tllmn62 [9:13 PM]: yep
Tllmn62 [9:13 PM]: now all i have to do is find it
WabanakiWoman [9:13 PM]: while its true home is where the heart is
WabanakiWoman [9:14 PM]: Dan, you will find it, you are searching, too, I read it in your words
Tllmn62 [9:15 PM]: :)
WabanakiWoman [9:17 PM]: they call it middle age crisis, but I dont believe that at all
Tllmn62 [9:17 PM]: no my middle age is still a little way off
Tllmn62 [9:17 PM]: lol
WabanakiWoman [9:17 PM]: its an unwillingness to live with the status quo, and to have some measure of happiness
WabanakiWoman [9:18 PM]: forever young, huh, lol
Tllmn62 [9:19 PM]: no just still growing up
WabanakiWoman [9:19 PM]: I hear that
WabanakiWoman [9:24 PM]: Thank You Flowers Greeting ~ AngelRays Animated Cards
Tllmn62 [9:26 PM]: well i am just thankful for you
WabanakiWoman [9:29 PM]: yes, we built a great friendship, didnt we
Tllmn62 [9:30 PM]: yes we did (no face with stars in eyes )
WabanakiWoman [9:30 PM]: :-)
WabanakiWoman [9:31 PM]: nope, everthing I try to make looks obscene, lmao
Tllmn62 [9:31 PM]: lol
WabanakiWoman [9:34 PM]: * *
^
____
WabanakiWoman [9:34 PM]: lol
WabanakiWoman [9:34 PM]: well, that didnt work
Tllmn62 [9:34 PM]: close
Tllmn62 [9:46 PM]: well i am glade you are here :)
Tllmn62 [9:46 PM]: money order or check which is easier
WabanakiWoman [9:46 PM]: :-)
WabanakiWoman [9:46 PM]: either
Tllmn62 [9:46 PM]: i need a shower again lol
Tllmn62 [9:46 PM]: took one this afternoon in trans oil
WabanakiWoman [9:46 PM]: my account is untouchable now
WabanakiWoman [9:47 PM]: want a back scrub?
Tllmn62 [9:47 PM]: so need to get it off
Tllmn62 [9:47 PM]: :)
Tllmn62 [9:47 PM]: only 2 more to finish in shop and 5 more outside shop
Tllmn62 [9:48 PM]: then my personal projects will be done
Tllmn62 [9:48 PM]: and i will take a rest
WabanakiWoman [9:48 PM]: :-)