............. JARADOS:
.... The Dagblasted Web Page
."Everybody else in America visits this web page 50 times a day......................shouldn't you?"
Full update coming soon...
Oh, let's just face it. Milli Vanilli will be inducted into the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame before this website gets updated... Updated! JARADOS HEADLINES: ------------------------ Updated! JARADOS MOVIE PREDICTIONS ATTENTION!!!! POP PARODY CENTER: ASK Hey, there turtle/pet/web page mascot lovers! I'm Jarados' pet turtle, Shell Shock, and this is MY portion of the web page where you send me questions about absolutely anything in the universe, and I give you answers that you need to fortify your breakfast cereal every morning. Well, Shell Shock fans, it seems that Southern Writer Eudora Welty has taken over the web page, and there's nothing we can do about it.......so, now that that's out of the way, let's get on with the first question:
PETER FONDA: SHELL SHOCK FAN!!! If you would like to tell me how dumb this web page is, or if you would just like me to send you more dumb songs, or just plain say hi, you can e-mail me at jarados@jarados.com or at Marcel_Van_Bulck@Emerson.edu. Take your pick. I don't care. Just be sure to mention my web page in the subject so I don't think it's one of them junk mail things. You know how JARA-LINKS:
Date that this page will be updated: The day my winds of Zanzabar blow in the general direction of Al Roker. There's nothing down here. You can stop scrolling if you want. BUT ONLY IF YOU WANT TO!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T STOP YOU, YOU KNOW!!!!! IT'S JUST NOT POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Always floss. Don't chew gum while walking. It's just disturbing. Okay, I'm done now...
THE DAGBLASTED WEB PAGE RELOADS...ummm...DAGBLAST IT!!!
Coming soon...
NEW E-MAIL ADDRESS!!! Updated August 29, 2002
JARA-LINKS Updated: July 18, 2001
UPDATED: June 7, 2001
Stay tuned for more details!!!
Hello, and welcome to the only web site in America that is not only approved by my dentist but probably by yours as well......."Jarados: The Dagblasted Web Page!!!!!!!!"
Well, after 8,671,822 years of the same thing, I've finally updated the web site, and it's about dang time too!!!!! Other than a new neighbor, a lunch buffet, and a camel named "Cecil," here's what's new on the web site. First off, I have written and posted a new song parody in the "Pop Parody Center" that has not only passed the DGA, but also the CRA, the PLU, the UNOTME, the CDO, the NOTAREALACRONYM, and the "Charles Lloyd Cecil Seal Of Approval". BUT FRET NOT, Jarados-a-mites!!! The weird, wacky, and all-around zany humor of "Jarados: The Dagblasted Web Page" remains with more mindless babbling, and more rumors about that man who's been walking around in circles shedding scalp hair on my front lawn for the past 17 days claiming to be "merely a rubber chicken blowing in the wind...". Not surprisingly my Waldenbooks "Preferred Reader" card account has mysteriously gone up approximately forty-three cents......
So, without further ado........SIT BACK.............RELAX........................AND HANG ON TO THAT RABID BEAR WHO HAS BEEN CHEWING ON THAT CAMERAMAN FOR SOMETIME NOW.............BECAUSE THIS IS......."JARADOS: THE DAGBLASTED WEB PAGE"!!!!! (Insert parentheses here.)
ELTON JOHN BLOWS AWAY MUSIC AWARDS WITH DUET WITH GIANT APE
LOS ANGELES, CA - The music world was blown away earlier this week when worlds collided in a music awards duet performed by music legend Elton John and "Mongo", an African Mountain Ape from the Los Angeles Zoo. "It is such a relief to be able to sing with a gorilla," John said, waving a bananna in front of the chimp's nose, "Mongo like bananna, don't you, Mongo..." However, not everyone was as enthused over the performance as Elton John was. "He's a chicken, I tell you!" said local pet store owner, Bart Johnson, "a giant chicken!"
From the best source of news on the internet this has been Jarados Headlines".
THE STORY SO FAR...
Jonathan walks down a busy street
One early Thursday morning in New York
And wanders into a small breakfast place
Called “The Muffin (since 1962)”
Jonathan walks up to the counter and orders
A plate of hash browns, two pancakes, a biscuit,
And, of course, a muffin.
Suddenly and unexpectedly, two men in ets
And matching sunglasses stroll into the fine
Breakfast establishment and both order…
Breakfast Platter Number Four
Suddenly and unexpectedly
The two men whip out seven dictionaries
Which have obviously each been soaked in
Cold water overnight.
The first man throws a dampened dictionary
At the guy behind the counter exclaiming,
“Take this, you filthy bandwagon!”
Jonathan ducks into a restroom, just
Barely evading a flying, wet dictionary
And emerges just moments later…
JOHNNY THUNDER!!!!!
To be continued…
Chris Columbus will not only direct the "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" movie, but will also direct "Harry Potter and the Chamber Of Secrets", "Harry Potter and the Goblet Of Fire", and "Harry Potter and the The Neck Of The Woods That Actually Belongs To Al Roker
Frank Oz will unfortunately leave the "Star Wars" movie franchise leaving the role of the nine-hundred-year-old Yoda open for grabs. On a lighter note, Strom Thurmond will turn to a career in movie acting...
UPDATED!!! TWO NEW PREDICTIONS!!!!
After completing his new top secret feature film, "A.I. Artificial Intelligence" Haley Joel Osment will finally find a role in the new feature film, "The Little Robot Kid That Could...And Did...Tie His Grandmother To The Roof Of His Car And Drive Off Screaming "How Do You Like Me Now, Granny?!?!"
And, finally, David Duchovney will return to star in a sequel to "The X-Files: Fight the Future" movie, cleverly entitled "Jumping Germans! There's A Rat In The Pool! Oh, Yeah, And There's A UFO Too...
Never mind.
I had the most peculiar experience some nights ago! I was getting ready for bed. I woke up at 5:00 in the morning to realize.......I SLEPT ON MY ARM WRONG!!!! I COULDN'T FEEL IT AT ALL!!! Well, as you might have guessed, I took it calmly. I yelled, "Holy gerbils! I can't feel my arm!!!" P.S. it happened again.
Welcome to the Pop Parody Center! This is where you'll find my own self-written song parodies to songs that have a bigger impact on pop ure today than the number of Easter Eggs STILL hidden in the White House. Folks, this song is based on a woman who is, indeed, the essence of evil in the universe. She is a woman who, for some unknown reason has been after me since the dawn of time. I am referring, of course to Southern Writer, Eudora Welty. Now, for some of you who......AHHH..Hey, what are you doing??? YOU!!!! What are you doing here??? What do you want? Get away from me! This is MY web page!!! Noooooo!!!! (BUZZ)
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Please Stand By...
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AAAAAAAHHHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!! I'M BAAACCKK!!!!!!! THIS IS MY WEB PAGE NOW!!!! HA HA HA!!!! HIT IT!
......................................THE BALLAD OF EUDORA WELTY
...................... (To the tune of Andrew Lloyd Weber's "The Phantom Of The Opera)
(Intro)
Her writing seems to be a bit intense
Her tales are senile and make no sense
Through all her books I read
I seem to find
Eudo---ra Welty, Southern Writer, finally
Has lost her mind
Now everywhere I go I sense she's near
Her geriatric gaze fills me with fear
In my attempts to flee
I always find
Eudo---ra Welty, Evil Writer's after me
And close behind
(She's there, that dang Eudora Wel-ty)
(You can't escape Eudora Wel-ty)
Want to get Jarados parodies e-mailed to you? Well, too bad!!! This is now "Eudora Welty: The Dagblasted Web Page"!!!!! Jarados is gone forever!!! I now have control of this web site!!! Now, puny mortal, I will decide whether or not I will allow you to view a brand new installment of "Ask Shell Shock." Maybe I will......maybe I won't!!!! Ah, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Well, why not? Shell Shock is now my servant! Ha ha ha! So, scroll down...if you dare! Ah, ha ha ha ha!!!!
SHELL SHOCK
Q. What does "Jarados" mean?
A. "Jarados" is a word that my owner thought up as an adjective describing his style of weird humor. For example, all of the humor on this web page is very jarados. Personally, I think he's an idiot, but he didn't ask me.
Q. Hey Shellshock! If the pope, bill clinton, and a rabbi all were in the same
room as a spy posing as a ninja posing as a russian bartender posing as a
muskrat, what would be you're favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?
A. You're talkin' to him. NEXT QUESTION!
Q. how old are you?
A. In turtle years, I am 8,671,822 years old.
Q. did jarados ever find his shoe or eat hot dogs again?
A. What do you think he's doing right now while yours truly is over here giving thought-provoking answers to these mind-boggling questions. Wait...no! Hold on. No! It's on your foot, Jarados! You idiot! No...I...(sigh)...oh, well.
Q. Dear Shell Shock, this may seem a little weird, but are you married?
A. UPDATED!
Nope, I am still available. And so is Jarados...painfully available...lousy bum...
If you have a question for me, PLEASE send it to me (or Eudora Welty) at shellshock@jarados.com, and it will most likely make its way here. Whoo hoo!
Here's an actual autographed napkin signed by famed movie star Peter Fonda from "Easy Riders"!!! I saw Mr. Fonda at a fund-raiser sneak preview premier of "The Perfect Storm" in Atlanta, Georgia, and he was gracious enough to give me an autograph (And yes, it is real).
Well, this just proves that even movie stars can praise web pages that they've probably never been to! Thanks again, Mr. Fonda!
-Ahhhh, ha ha ha ha!!! Well, puny mortals, it looks as if "Jarados: The Dagblasted Web Page" is finally under my control!
-I don't think so!!!
-What? Who dares to defy me?!?!?!?!
-THE SMARTEST TURTLE....IN THE UNIVERSE!!!!!
-Oh, really, fool?!?!?!
-YES!!
-Ha! Pathetic Earth creature! Do you know who you're dealing with?!?!?!
-Yes, and to prove it, I challenge you to a match of wits!
-Ha! Fine, mortal! What is your challenge?
-If I can ask you a question that you don't know the answer to, YOU have to leave the web page!
-HA! Insolent fool! Ask your question!
-Fine....what is the official definition of the word, "Jarados"?
-WHAT? What kind of a question is that?
-Wrong answer! The CORRECT answer is "Weird Marc humor!"
-What? But, but, but how could you possibly know that stupid minute fact?!?!?
-Simple! I've been answering that same question on "Ask Shell Shock" for over a year now!
-DeeeeaaaaaAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!
-Wait a minute! Willem Dafoe??? What are you doing here???
-Zees eez hardly yore veb page any longair....
-DddddaaaAAAAAHHHH!!!!! INSOLENT FOOLS!!!! Fine! I'll leave the web page.....FOR NOW! But I'll be back, Jarados! You have NOT heard the last of EUDORA WELTY!!!!
(Poof!)
Hey, folks! Jarados here! Well, it's good to be back!
(Cow falls on Jarados' head.)
annoying that can be!!!!
The Official "Weird Al" Yankovic Web Site
MAD MAGAZINE
THE ONION: The World's Greatest Newspaper
Monty Python's Flying Website
STAR WARS: THE OFFICIAL SITE
Tim Threet's site: Oh, yeah! It's weird!!
The Answers To Life And the Universe
Jamieism-Jamie Nance's page
My Sister's NEW Page. Check it out!
Michelle Lore's Site. YEAH!
The Sumter Little Theatre Official Site
Brickstead
HotDog-Head Productions
Van Bulck and Company, CPAs
The Wilson Hall Web Site
Wilson Hall Soccer
DAN3T.COM: The all-around best site for aspiring artists!
Bekah Tuggy's site! Sheer Genius!!!
Happybug
Camp Pinnacle
Want a link? E-mail me your web address and web site name, and I'll see what I can do.
SHOUT-OUTS:
SPECIAL THANKS TO:
Erin Z, Steph and Stacey H, Sarah S, Emily J, Tee R, Reid J, Rich W, Skip M, Chris A, Mom and Dad (Don't kill me for not giving you a shout-out), Everyone on the "Maniacal Mob of Moronic Marc Songs" mailing list, Tom O'Hare, Wilfred VB, Shell Shock, and everyone who visits this web page and thinks that it's funny. If I've left anyone out, I give you permission to beat me down with a tire. Thanks all!
That's it.
You can go now.
Dagblasted Webmaster: Marc "Jarados" van Bulck
