Ikariku's Funny Library
!!!!! Notice !!!!!!
All the jokes i posted on the homepage is composed by someone else, not me..
I have no copyrights on those jokes.....
If u r the composer.... then sorry....
If u r just a reader... then enjoy....
361. 轉個身
瓊斯太太死後來到天堂，她想起死去多年的丈夫，不知到哪找，此時
正好看見聖彼得就在前面，於是就走過去，訴說了自己的困難。
「妳丈夫叫什麼名字？」聖彼得問。
「亨利。」
聖彼得想了想。「我們這邊有大力士亨利、禿頭亨利、膽小亨利……
太多人都叫做亨利了。我不曉得妳的丈夫是哪一個。妳可以提供更多
的線索嗎？」
瓊斯太太思索半天。「我想到一件事，不知有沒有用──我丈夫生前
曾經發誓說，如果他對我不忠，他死後連躺在墳裡都會轉個身。」
「啊！我知道了！」聖彼得叫道。「妳要找的是陀螺亨利！」
362.藝術品 (Yuna提供)
一位藝術家問畫廊老闆：他的畫銷路如何？
老闆說：「有好消息，但也有壞消息。」
「先說好消息吧！」
「有個客人問我，人死後，畫的價值是不是會提高？我說通常是的。
那客人立刻買下你所有的畫。」
「太棒了！」畫家欣喜若狂。『那壞消息呢？」
「壞消息是，那個客人是你的醫生。」
363.誠實（Yuna提供）
農夫質問六個兒子：「是誰把屋外的廁所推到溪裡去的？」
沒人承認。
「孩子啊，」農夫說。「你們難道都忘了華盛頓和櫻桃樹的故事嗎？」
最小的兒子聽了這話就招認了。
農夫立刻將他狠狠地打了一頓。
「爸爸，」少年抗議，「你不是說華盛頓認了錯，他父親就原諒他了
嗎？」
「不錯，」農夫回答，「不過你別忘了，華盛頓砍樹的時候，他父親
可沒蹲在樹上！」
364.黑熊
有一天，有個獵人上山打獵，遇到一隻黑熊，獵人高興極了，拿起手
槍就射。
沒想到黑熊沒死，反而還抓住他。獵人心想：完蛋了，必死無疑。沒
想到黑熊竟然開口說話了：
「你有兩條路走，一是讓我吃掉，一是幫我吹喇叭。」
獵人不想死，於是只好幫黑熊吹喇叭。黑熊滿足之餘，就放走了獵人。
事後，獵人越想越不甘心，於是就帶了把來福槍上山，想找黑熊報仇
。沒想到，黑熊太厲害了，獵人又被抓住。
獵人為了活命，只好再次幫黑熊吹喇叭。
回家後，獵人更不甘心了，帶了把霰彈槍，就衝上山找黑熊算帳。
沒想到，這次獵人還是輸了。黑熊又抓住他。此時，黑熊突然開口：
「你到底是來打獵還是來吹喇叭的？」
365. 海關
外國人講姓名，都是名字在前，姓氏在後。
話說兩個大公司的職員要出差，一個叫游發金，一個叫涂彌。
到了美國海關時，海關小姐問說：「你叫什麼名字？」
游發金便說：Fucking you.（發金－游）
海關小姐就很生氣，不理他，轉頭問涂彌：「那你呢？」。
涂彌說：Me too.
366. 天體營
有一位學者，應邀到天體營演講。
當他上了講台，發現全場只有他穿衣服，其他人都一絲不掛。他感覺
到自己的不禮貌，演講完畢後，便尷尬地離去了。
兩年後，該天體營再度邀請他去演講。這次，他有了心理準備，到了
現場，便鼓起勇氣，也跟著脫得精光。
然而當他赤條條地上了台，他才赫然發現：台下的觀眾為了表示尊重
，全部穿上了大禮服。
367. 好朋友
小泰和阿美是初交往的男女朋友，第一次約會時，小泰開車載著阿美
去吃飯。回來時，小泰把車開到偏僻的地方，吻了阿美，並把手伸進
阿美的上衣。
阿美給了小泰一巴掌，隨後便下了車，走路回家。
「雙腳是最好的朋友。」睡前， 阿美在日記上如此寫著。
兩個人第二次約會，小泰又把車子開到同樣地點，幹了同樣的事。
阿美再次給了小泰一巴掌，又走路回家。
「雙腳的確是最好的朋友。」 阿美在日記上如此寫著。
第三次約會，小泰又把車子開到同樣的地方，幹了同樣的事──
不過，這次阿美卻很晚才回家。
回來後，她在日記上如此寫著：
「雖然雙腳是最好的朋友，但有時也要分開。」
368. Leader of the Gang
A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be
admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the
guy is worthy. St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his
brow and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you ever did
anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good
either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED-- you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one
time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of Biker
Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what
was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em ripping
the clothes off this terrified young woman.
Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my
trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a Huge Guy with a
studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I
walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me.
So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the
head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the
rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a
bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a
lesson in pain!"
St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
369. Newborn Baby
An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor
arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see
while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother
pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by
the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in
the first place!!"
370. Lawyer Jokes!!!!
The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court
records nationwide...
1. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't
know anything about it until the next morning?
2. Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?
3. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
4. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
5. Were you alone or by yourself?
6. How long have you been a French Canadian?
7. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
8. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
9. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
10. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
11. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
12. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
13. So you were gone until you returned?
14. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?
15. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like,
but can you describe it?
16. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
17. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid
question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
18. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
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