Ikariku's Funny Library
!!!!! Notice !!!!!!
All the jokes i posted on the homepage is composed by someone else, not me..
I have no copyrights on those jokes.....
If u r the composer.... then sorry....
If u r just a reader... then enjoy....
21. 笨
某天有兩個有錢人在鄉村聚樂部裡閒話家常。其中一人對另一個人說
『嘿我告訴你我的司機實在很笨..你不認為嗎?』
『你看看就知道』
他把他的司機吉米叫了過來對他說『這裡有十元，到汽車展示區去給我買
一輛Mercedes回來。』
吉米回答，『是的，先生。我馬上就去。』就跑去汽車展示區了。
有錢人對著他的朋友說，『看，我告訴你他很笨了吧!』而另一個有錢人說
『那沒有什麼，你要看笨蛋，我就給你看笨蛋。接著他就叫他的司機比利過
來，『比利，回家去看看我在不在家。』而比利回答，
『是，先生，我馬上就去。』就跑回家了。『看到了吧?他甚至不用腦子
想想如果我在這裡又怎麼可能會在家呢!』稍後，這兩個司機在街上相遇。
吉米對比利說，『耶，你知道嗎我老板實在是太笨了，他竟然給
我10元叫我去汽車展示區買一輛Mercedes給他...他不知道今天是星期日嗎?
汽車展示區根本沒開! 比利回答，『你認為他笨嗎?我老板比他笨多了，
他竟然叫我回家看他有沒有在家..他有行動電話，不是嗎，他不會自己打啊!!!』
22. A nun and a priest
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without
warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest
surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the
priest spoke.
"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father."
"In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more
than a day or two."
"I agree."
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive,
would you do something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I
might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do
any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of
her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his
robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of
fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right
place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get
the hell out of here."
23. 打火機
大頭蛋:呵呵....今天MTV裡好多清涼的美女喔....呵呵呵...
憋四:嗯......也對.....呵呵....
大頭蛋:呃.......憋四.....你一直把手放在褲子裡幹嘛??
憋四:呃.....我在找打火機啊.......
大頭蛋:呵呵....可是你已經找了15分鐘ㄝ......
24. 情書
一天男的將情書交給他女友
女問: 你的愛情經得起考驗嗎??
男說: 那是當然的囉!
同樣的情書拿給十個不同的女友 , 每個都很感動
女:........
25. Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women
1.Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
2.Motorcycles' curves never sag.
3.Motorcycles last longer.
4.Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
5.You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month.
6.Motorcycles don't have parents.
7.Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
8.You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
9.You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
10.If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
11.You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is _really_ worn.
12.If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
13.Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
14.When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
15.Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
16.Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
17.New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.
18.If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
19.If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
20.If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
21.If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
22.You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
23.You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents.
24.You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
25.You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
26.You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are
equals.
27.If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apoligize before you can ride it again.
28.You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
29.Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
30.Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
31.Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
32.Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
33.Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
34.You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
35.It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
36.If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
37.You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.
26. The Sex Life of an Electron....... part one
One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Farad decided
to try and get a cute little coil to help him discharge.
He picked up Millie Amp and took her for a ride on his megacycle.
They rode across the Wheatstone Bridge and stopped by a magnetic field
with flowing currents and frolicked in the sine waves.
Micro Farad, attracted by Millie-Amp's characteristic curves,
soon had his resistance at a minimum and his field fully excited.
He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency and lowered
her reluctance. With a quick arc, he pulled out his high voltage probe
and inserted it in her socket, connecting them in parallel. He slowly began
short circuiting her resistance shunt while quickly raising her
thermal conductance level to mill-spec. Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled,
"Mho, Mho, Mho! Give me mho!" With his tube operating well into class C,
and her field vibrating with his current flow, a corona formed which
instantly caused her shunt to overheat just to the point when Micro-Farat
rapidly discharged and drained off every electron into her grid.
They fluxed all night trying various connections and sockets until his
magnet had a soft core and lost all of its field strength.
Afterwards, Milli- Amp tried self-induction and damaged her solenoid.
With his battery fully discharged, Micro Farad was unable to excite
his field generator. Not ready to be quiescent, they spent the rest
of the evening by reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses.
27. The Sex Life of an Electron....... part two
Micro was a real-time operator and a dedicated multi-user. His
broadband protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous
input/output devices, even if it meant time-sharing.
One evening he arrived home just as the Sun was crashing, and had
parked his Motorola 68000 in the main drive (he had missed the
5100 bus that morning), when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware
admiring the daisy wheels in his garden. He though to himself,
"She looks user-friendly. I'll see if she'd like an update tonight."
He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin 32
bit floating point processors, and inquired, "How are you,
Honeywell?"
"Yes, I am well", she responded, batting her optical fibers
engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear
functions.
Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone
tonight", he said. "How about computing a vector to my base
address? I'll output a byte to eat and maybe we could get offset
later on."
Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds, then transmitted
8K, "I've been recently dumped myself and a new page is just what
I need to refresh my disk packs. I'll park my machine cycle in
your background and meet you inside." She walked off, leaving
Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, "Wow, what a global
variable! I wonder if she'd like my firmware?"
They sat down at the process table to a top of form feed of fiche
and chips and a bottle of Baudot. Mini was in conversational mode
and expanded on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave occasional
acknowledgements although, in reality, he was analyzing the
shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He finally
settled on the old line, "Would you like to see my benchmark
subroutine?", but Mini was again one clock tick ahead.
Suddenly, she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal
the full functionality of her operating system. "Let's get BASIC,
you RAM" she said. Micro was loaded by this stage, but his
hardware policing module had a processor of its own and was in
danger of overflowing its output buffer, a hang-up that Micro had
consulted his analyst about. "Core", was all he could say, as she
prepared to log him off.
Micro soon recovered, however, when she went down on the DEC and
opened her device files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed
his fully packed root device and was about to start pushing into
her CPU stack, when she attempted an escape sequence.
"No, no!" she cried. "You're not shielded!" "Reset, baby", he
replied. "I've been debugged." "But I haven't got my current loop
enabled, and I can't support child processes", she protested.
"Don't run away", he said. "I'll generate an interrupt." "No!" she
squealed. "That's too error prone and I can't abort because of my
design philosophy."
But Micro was locked in by this stage and could not be turned off.
Mini stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into
his main supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went
to sleep. "Computers!" she thought as she compiled herself. "All
they ever think of is hex!"
28. 可碰和不可碰的女人
喜歡的女人可碰，那觸電的感覺教你一生難忘。
憎恨的女人不可碰，恐怕你會變成第二個O.J.Simpson。
美麗的女人可碰，只怕你未必有這個福份.....
醜陋的女人不可碰，記住！一次都不可！即使在你受盡慾火煎熬的時候。
年紀輕的女人可碰，因為她們個個皮光肉滑。
年紀大的女人不可碰，因為你皮光肉滑。
多情的女人可碰，特別是一夜澎湃那一種。
自作多情的女人不可碰，那種征服者的高姿態你連鄙視都來不及！
沈默寡言的女人可碰，碰了她也懶得叫非禮。
說長道短的女人不可碰，一旦缺點暴露你得隱姓埋名。
賢妻良母型的女人可碰，住家菜那個男人不垂涎？
職業婦女型的女人不可碰，打掃家務的男人那個同情？
朋友的女人可碰，那只代表對兄嫂滿懷敬意的照顧。
陌生人的女人不可碰，這點我想你會明白，那是可一不可再的遭遇。
最後我以個人經驗給你一個忠告：
可碰的女人你要盡量去碰
不可碰的女人有時間碰碰又有何妨？
29. President's wish...
As President Clinton was walking on a beach one day, his foot tripped
on a partially buried bottle. Picking it up, Bill rubbed it to
expose the label. Suddenly a cloud poured from the bottle and a huge
genie appeared.
"Thank you - oh, thank you for saving me from the prison I've been in. I've
been in there for hundreds, yes, hundreds of years. As a expression of my
overwhelming gratitude I will grant you one wish."
Mr. Clinton, being a world leader, knew exactly what to ask for. "Peace in
the Mideast!" he quickly replied.
The genie seemed confused. "Mideast... Mideast... I can't seem to
remember... can you help me out a little?
The President quickly has a world map brought over and he carefully points
out the affected area of the globe, recounting briefly the long-standing
geopolitical instability of the area.
The genie's eyes widen and he says "Oh, yea. Now I remember. The Mideast!
Whew. That's a tough one. You know, they've been fighting over there quite
literally for millennia. I hate to admit it, but I think that's more than I
can handle. I'm sorry. Can you wish for something else?"
Clinton, obviously crestfallen at such a missed opportunity, can think of
only one other wish: "Could you make the American people like my wife?"
The genie pauses, grimaces, then says, "Let me see that map again."
30. Gradually.......killed !!!
A gentleman is returning home after a lengthy trip, and is met by
his servant at the station. This is the conversation that they
have on their way to his home:
"So, has anything happened while I've been away?"
"No, sir, I can't think of anything at all worth mentioning."
"Come now, I've been away for weeks. Surely something must have
happened in all that time."
"Well, sir, come to think of
it, your dog died."
"My *dog* died? How awful! Still, he was getting on in years,
and I suppose it had to happen some time. How did he die?"
"The vet said it was probably from eating the rotten meat."
"The rotten meat? Since when do we leave rotten meat lieing
around for the dog to eat?"
"Well, it was the horses, sir. They'd been rotting for some time
after the barn burned down."
"Good heavens. How in the world did the barn burn down?"
"It must have been some embers that blew over from the house,
sir."
"The *house*? The house burnt down too? How did the house burn
down?"
"Well, sir, we think someone must have knocked over a candle."
"Oh. ... Wait a moment - we don't use candles anymore to light
the house! What were the candles doing there?"
"They were there for the wake, sir."
"The wake?!? Whose wake?"
"Your mother's, sir. She passed away quite suddenly."
"Oh my Lord. Mother is dead. The house is gone, along with the
stable. Even my dog is dead. What did Mother die of?"
"It must have been the shock, sir."
"The shock."
"Yes, sir, the shock. When your wife ran off with the handyman
the day after you left, sir. But aside from all that, it's been
fairly quiet while you've been away, sir."
"Oh God, kill me" he said & fainted away.
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