Ikariku's Funny Library
!!!!! Notice !!!!!!
All the jokes i posted on the homepage is composed by someone else, not me..
I have no copyrights on those jokes.....
If u r the composer.... then sorry....
If u r just a reader... then enjoy....
111. Sex of the Computer
____________________________________________________________________
Top 10 reasons computers must be male
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter
Top 10 reasons compilers must be female
10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
4. Smalltalk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild.
112. 1 + 1 = ?
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position
as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was
interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with
"How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a
series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board
room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was
asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused
himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a
consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations,
he also announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked
the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the
last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door
to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices,
and asked "How much do you want it to be?"
113. HOW TO BAFFLE AND ANNOY PEOPLE
1. Call the Department of Consumer Affairs and complain about the Better
Business Bureau.
2. Call the FBI headquarters and say 'Hi, its Ted Kaczynski's brother
again. Frankly, I have some suspicions about all my other relatives,
too."
3. Sit in the church during a funeral and repeatedly shout, " It's in
the box."
4. Take a friend's triplets into Kinko's Copy Center. Walk up to counter
and irately exclaim, "Now look what you've done!"
5. Ask a sewer worker if he can sew a button for you.
6. They say New York is the city that doesn't sleep. At 4 a.m. choose
10 names from the Manhattan phone book and ask whoever answers if it's
true!
7. Smear wet cement all over your body, then lie down at the feet of the
statue of Liberty and wail like a newborn.
8. Run into a police station and tell them about a vicious crime. After
spending a few hours with the police artist, say, "That's him! That's
the man I saw on TV."
9. Make a restaurant reservation under the name of Kervorkian. When
they ask how many will be in the party, just say, "Depends."
114. Legal Career
___Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of
Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same
day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his
quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a
low grade Motel 6 type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room,
which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and
a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and
told St. Peter, "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how
the Pope was given such small accommodations." St. Peter replied, "We
have over a hundred Popes here, and we're really very bored with them.
We've never had a lawyer."
115. What do i look like ?
A woman could never get her husband to do anything
around the house. He would come home from work, sit
in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more --
would never do those little household repairs that most
husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite
a bit.
One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got
home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged.
Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I
look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the
sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When
her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey,
the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for
me?" Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr.
Plumber?"
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink.
When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and
said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check
on it?" And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look
like? The Maytag repairman?"
Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the
woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the
garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got
home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."
He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"
"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking
them a cake or having sex with them."
"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked.
She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"
116. Once a year...
A professor, teaching a college sexuality class, was
discussing the wide variety of frequency-of-sex that
could still be considered normal.
"Many people find that sex every other week is
sufficient frequency to satisfy -- and that's fine.
Yet others want to make love nightly--and there's
nothing wrong with that either. Let's take an informal
survey of this class. Don't be embarrassed. Please
answer honestly. How many people here make love more
than twice a week?" A few hands shot up. "Twice a
week?" A few more hands.
"Weekly, on average?" Many hands. "Once every two
weeks?" he continued, and "Once a month?" and "Once
every several months?" and finally, "Once a year?"
At this last category, one hand shot up, waving most
eagerly.
"Pardon my curiosity," the professor asked, "but if you
only make love once a year, why are you so excited over
it?"
Replied the student, "Tonight's the night!"
117. Get pregrant
The young Irish bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist
and told him of her and her husband's wish to start a family. "We've
been trying for months now, Doc, and I don't seem to be able to get
pregnant", she confessed.
I'm sure we'll solve the problem". Doc said. "If you just get up on
the examining table and take off your underpants . . ."
"Well, all right, Cod, she agreed. "but I'd rather have my husband's
baby."
118. Maths relationship
The Relationship:
They integrated from the very point of origin. Her curves were continuous,
and even though he was odd, he was a real number. They both wanted to get
skewed. The day their lines first intersected, they became an ordered
pair. From then on it was a continuous function. They were both in their
prime, so in next to no time they were horizontal and parallel. She was
awed by the magnitude of his perpendicular line, and he was amazed by
her conical projections. "bisect my angle!" she postulated each time she
reached her local maximum. He taught her the chain rule as she implicitly
defined the amplitude of his simple harmonic motion. They underwent
multiple rotations of their axes, until at last they reached the vertex,
the critical point, their finite limit. After that they slept like Logs.
Later she found him taking a right-handed limit, that was a problem,
it was improper form. He meanwhile had realized that she was irrational,
not to mention square. They diverged. She's currently reaching the limit
in a relationship that is somewhat undefined. He is currently unable to
afford dating because he cosined a loan for his son, tan.
119. Mom and Dad call each other
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their
horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would
feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs
and exotic fruits.
Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more
flavor than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close
your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty,
they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when
the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every
one of the children was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and
Mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and
shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"
120. Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone is Stupid
**************************************************************
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a happy meal.
A few beers short of a six pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
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